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Orange Friday.

October 9, 2010

SF Giants were let down by their bullpen and defense Friday night. Said Cubs fans -“What’s a bullpen and defense?”

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The Giants were on a real roll early in the season on “Orange Fridays.” But they’ve now lost 3 of the last 4 games. Personally, I liked it better when the only real Friday torture was watching Pablo Sandoval in that orange jersey. Shades of the Great Pumpkin.

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Meanwhile, baseball fans around the country are still buzzing about Tim Lincecum’s 14 strikeout performance on Thursday. He mowed down Altantans faster than any guy not named Sherman.

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A recent AP poll shows that white Americans without a four-year college degree prefer Republicans 58 to 36 percent. “That’s a great start,” said Sarah Palin, “but with a better message we could probably get over half of those voters.”

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The NFL is now apparently investigating reports that Brett Favre allegedly sexted a former sideline reporter while he was with the Jets. Really? How could anyone believe that story? If Favre were thinking of sexting a woman, how could he decide on which one?

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Brett Favre has been accused of emailing pictures of his “junk” to a young female reporter while he was with New York. But most Jets fans feel confident the only “junk” Favre was sending out were his passes on the field.

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Jerry Brown has now apologized for an overheard conversation in which one of his aides called Meg Whitman a “whore.” Now, he has another apology request, from the sex workers union, who don’t want their members compared to politicians.

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Glen Coffee, who quit the SF 49ers because he felt “God wanted him to stop playing football,” was arrested in Florida for possession of a concealed firearm. Looks like Coffee got confused – even in Florida the 10 Commandments don’t include the right to bear arms.

Or maybe God just didn’t want to see another headline starting “NFL player arrested…”

John Kerry said today that John Edwards’ situation with his mistress and baby was a “tragedy.” No, Edwards’ situation is a nasty cocktail of stupidity, arrogance and testosterone. The tragedy would have been if the story broke when he was Vice President.

From Marc Ragovin : “I knew the Minnesota Twins were originally a Washington team, I just didn’t realize it was the Generals.

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes

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Freak show.

October 8, 2010

Tim Lincecum, 14 strikeouts, 31 swing and misses (most in the majors all season), and a 1-0 complete game victory. And he did it without benefit of pitching to his own lineup.

(No, it wasn’t quite the record for strikeouts in a post-season game. But he should definitely have the record for most strikeouts per pound.)

Okay, this is a long way away, several games anyway, from being reality, but… If the Phillies and Giants meet in the NLCS and Halladay and Lincecum pitch game one, I’m figuring the over-under in Vegas is about one and a half.

(Reader T.C. suggested the over under for Thursday’s game should have been 3 1/2. Actually it was 6, which is low for a major league game, the average is about 8-9. And it didn’t even turn out to be close.)

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Another 1-0 game for the SF Giants Thursday night, this time a win. Between innings the p.a. system played “Living on a prayer.” I think it’s the hitters’ theme -song.

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And sorry if this offends anyone, but the newest t-shirt sold outside A T and T Park tomorrow is likely to be “Tim Lincecum, F*** Yeah.”

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So first Lincecum drops the F-bomb in a postgame interview after the Giants clinch the West, now Jerry Brown is overheard in a conversation where his aide refers to Meg Whitman as a “whore. ”

Wow, athletes and politicians swear. I am shocked, shocked.

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Brown immediately issued an apology to Meg Whitman for the conversation. Now he’s been asked for a second apology, from the Prostitutes Union.

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Actually, at this point I think Californians might cheerfully elect a capable whore. Prostitutes are generally straightforward, actually give value for money, and at least leave people satisfied. (And yes, there are more R and X rated versions of this riff, but I’ll quit while I’m ahead, or rather, behind.)

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Sharron Angle’s pastor, John Reed, has now gone after Harry Reid by saying that because he’s a Mormon, the Senator is a member of a “bizarre cult.”

Hmm, Did Reed forget about that Mitt Romney endorsement?

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Apparently the race between Sharron Angle and Harry Reid in Nevada is too close to call. One poll stated that one in ten “didn’t like either candidate.” Presumably as opposed to nine in ten who can’t stand either candidate.

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In San Francisco, the Liberty and Freedom Foundation put up a Sarah Palin billboard today at the corner of Market and Castro. What’s next, a Christine O’Donnell sign in front of Good Vibrations?

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Don Larsen, who pitched a perfect game in the 1956 World Series, was interviewed today after Roy Halladay’s no-hitter. A little known fact about that game, had Larsen faltered, Jamie Moyer was warming up in the bullpen.

(Actually in all seriousness, add Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey’s ages together, and you only beat Moyer’s age by one)

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While it can be hard to be funny, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to be a comedian. Latest case in point – Ralphie May, arrested for marijuana possession at Guam Airport…. after he went over to pet the drug-sniffing dog.

Baylor’s star guard LaceDarius Dunn was suspended from classes over allegations that he hit his girlfriend during a fight and broke her jaw.

Dunn’s basketball playing friends at other universities were stunned. At Baylor players actually go to class?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Jerry Brown jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Tim Lincecum jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Welcome to the torture chamber?

October 7, 2010

I am actually carrying such a sign to the Giants-Braves game on Thursday. (Well actually “Atlanta, Welcome to the Torture Chamber.”

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A sign you might be a latecomer to the Giants bandwagon if…. you turn on the TV Thursday night, wonder what the manager’s hippie kid is doing walking on the field, and then realize, it’s SF’s starting pitcher.

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For anyone who is convinced the SF Giants will lose because many of their players, especially the pitchers, don’t have playoff experience – tonight was Roy Halladay’s first postseason appearance.

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Okay SF fans, let’s be honest. If you had to bet on which playoff team would be no-hit in the first round, wouldn’t you have figured it would be the Giants?

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Much discussion in the SF area about whether the Giants will leave Barry Zito off the playoff roster. If they do, Zito and his $126 million contract might become known as the biggest waste of money in recent California history. Well, at least until Meg Whitman is done running for governor.

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For anyone looking for a playoff team to root for, consider the SF Giants. They’re a hardworking, scrappy, entertaining bunch. And besides, if they beat the Braves in the first round they will reduce America’s exposure to the dreaded Tomahawk Chop.

Bud Selig is bragging that that one World Series game, game three, this year will start at 655p, so children on the East Coast might actually be able to stay up and watch most of the game. But it’s the SATURDAY night game. Now, Sunday night, a school night, game four starts at 820p EST.

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Palin’s camp has been criticizing Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller for his tepid comments about her qualifications to run for president in 2012.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: SF Giants jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Beyond the regular season.

October 6, 2010

The Arizona Diamondbacks set a MLB record this year by striking out 1,507 times. That’s about 9 1/2 times PER GAME. On the bright side, the hitters did do their part to reduce the air-conditioning bill and thus carbon footprint at Chase Field.

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Sometimes the best trades are the ones you don’t make. Remember all the SF Giants fans back in July who wanted to swap Jonathan Sanchez for a bat?

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The Angels are out and the Dodgers are out. So this year, it’s not just NFL fans in Los Angeles who won’t see any wins in October.
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Interesting/scary stat of the day, the four highest paid players on the SF Giants’ payroll for 2010 are: Barry Zito $18,5 million, Aaron Rowand $13.6 million, Jose Guillen, $12 million (mostly paid by the Kansas City Royals.) , and Edgar Renteria $10 million. And all of them could, and maybe should, be left off the playoff roster.
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In Alabama, 11 people, including four Alabama state legislators and three lobbyists, were charged in connection with an alleged scheme to bribe legislators for their votes on proposed gambling and entertainment legislation. The arrests were the result of an FBI investigation. Observers in Louisiana had one comment – “Amateurs.”
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In Christine O’Donnell’s first television ad of the general election she states “I am not a witch.” Tranlation, Hogwarts has no record of her attending classes there either.

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Christine O’Donnell said in 2006 that she had secret “classified information” that China was plotting to take over America. If O’Donnell was talking about our economy she was only about 5 years too late.

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After the Giants clinched, SF pitcher Tim Lincecum set off a mini media storm Sunday by dropping the F-bomb while he was being interviewed on the field. Big deal, Mets fans have been dropping the F-bomb all year, watching their team on the field.

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Eliot Spitzer said in an interview with Parade Magazine this weekend that ‘You learn more by losing than by winning.” Which means the Detroit Lions are the smartest team in America.

(feel free to subtitute San Francisco 49ers, Maple Leafs, Chicago Cubs, or your team of choice)

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With the San Francisco 49ers at 0-4, prices for potential PSL’s (Personal Seat Licenses) are going up. If things don’t improve, who knows how much the team will end up having to pay season ticket holders to buy them?

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Michael Vick says he’s going to be out “maybe two weeks.” Wonder how long that is in dog years?

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes

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Say what?

October 6, 2010

Meg Whitman’s latest commercial proclaims “Jobs are on the way.” Well, yeah, unless you are one of the 40,000 state employees whose job she has promised to cut.

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While the Giants decide whether or not to put Barry Zito and his $126 million contract on the playoff roster, the Yankees decided to leave A.J. Burnett and his $82.5 million contract out of their playoff rotation. Of course, with the Yankees $82.5 million is a utility player contract.

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Meanwhile, down in Miami, Dwayne Wade sustained an hamstring injury and had to leave the Heat’s first pre-season game. The injury at this point doesn’t appear to be serious.

But if Wade’s hamstring doesn’t heal, it might mean the mini-Dream team won’t get to play together this year. “That would really be a shame” said nobody outside the state of Florida.
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Despite an 0-4 start 49ers coach Mike Singletary is still strongly supporting his quarterback Alex Smith. Makes sense. As long as Smith is with the team he will deflect some of the blame from Singletary.

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The NFL Players union head DeMaurice Smith has stated he thinks owners are preparing for a 2011 without professional football. Which means in Detroit, business as usual.

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Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell recently stated “I am not a witch.” “Well, we can’t all be perfect,” sniffed Hillary Clinton.

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While the U.S. has not always been well served by the “best and the brightest,” is it really necessary for us to turn instead to the worst and the dimmest?

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It’s understandable that many people don’t feel economic recovery is affecting them yet, and that change isn’t coming fast enough. And even that President Obama is too calm and celebral to connect well with the average American.

But really, some of these alternative candidates? It feels like the political equivalent of getting mad at your mother when you are a teenager, and getting a big tattoo just to spite her. Except that a tattoo would actually be easier to remove if you decide you made a hasty mistake.

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And regarding well-paid players who may not contribute much to their team in the post season, how about two shortstops in their mid 30s? One batted .276 with a .374 slugging percent, the second batted .270 with a .370 slugging percentage. And both realistically have lost a bit defensively.

The first is the Giants’ Edgar Renteria. The second, Derek Jeter.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball playoff jokes, Meg Whitman jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Magic number zero.

October 4, 2010

This is a crappy picture, so maybe it’s only worth 500 words… but.

(taken at A T and T Park about two minutes after the Giants clinched the Western Division.)

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An interesting question for San Francisco Bay Area sports fans… who is crazier? Giants closer Brian Wilson or Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh?

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The Pittsburgh Pirates are apparently about to fire manager John Russell after another losing season. But is this really fair? It’s hard to compete with a team where the average player makes less per year than Reggie Bush did at USC.

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And then there’s Seattle, where the Mariners lost 101 games. According to reader Gary Morton, “They’re so bad, they’ve already been mathematically eliminated from next year’s race.”

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In fact while SF fans justifiably have learned to love the phrase “Giants baseball – torture,” Mariners fans have had to take it to a whole new level. Last week they even managed to lose on a walk-off strikeout.

Not a misprint. With a runner on first and two outs in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game against the Texas Rangers, reliever Dan Corts struck out pinch-hitter Nelson Cruz. But the ball got past the catcher, Guillermo Quoriz, and his attempted throw to get Cruz at first base went into right field, enabling the runner on first to come all the way around to score the winning run.

Now THAT’S torture.

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Even if Michael Vick is ready to play again next Sunday after today’s injury, Kevin Kolb may have played well enough to reclaim the Eagles’ starting QB job. What can Vick say? He knows it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

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A Wells Fargo Bank executive acknowledged that he simply relied on co-workers and assumed that information in foreclosure documents was correct. So he hecked only the dates on up to 150 foreclosure documents he signed every day.

Yeah, why shouldn’t he trust fellow bank employees? It’s not like they’ve made any other lending mistakes over the years…. Oops, never mind.

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Do not adjust your sets – The last undefeated team in the NFL is indeed the Kansas City Chiefs. (Whose next win will equal their 2009 total of 4.)

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Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab, again. Not saying she’s not living in the real world but rumor has it Lindsay if she would be cured in time to go to a USC bowl game.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Michael Vick jokes, SF Giants

Comments: 1 Comment

TWO too many men on the field.

October 3, 2010

The University of Tennessee was on the verge of a major upset of LSU, and indeed had celebrated when a “Fourth and goal” by the Tgers went for naught. But then they were called for too many men on the field. Not 12, but 13.

Open note to UT: While it is not critical that all your football players be rocket-scientists, it is useful for them to be able to count beyond 11.

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Possible scary sidelight for USC – these players were recruited by Lane Kiffin.

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For Cardinal fans, there was only one thing wrong with Saturday night’s Oregon-Stanford game. Unfortunately that “one thing” was the second half.

Meanwhile, back in the bitterness of the NL West pennant race:

Note to SF Giants batters for Sunday: You stand a better chance of getting a hit if you don’t bat with both hands wrapped around your neck.

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Actualy, in Saturdays, 4-2 loss, San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy was ejected after the sixth, with his team down 4-0. Ostensibly for arguing when ball and strikes. But maybe he couldn’t stand to watch the game any more either.

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In their latest gubernatorial debate, broadcast in Spanish on Univision, Meg Whitman accused Jerry Brown and his surrogates ” of orchestrating the whole affair, by maniuplatiing Whitman’s former housekeepr and “putting her at risk for deportation.”

Well, Meg may sitll have issues. But the incident at least shows we can expect to receive the same standard of accountability from her as we have had regularly from politicians in Calfornia.

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Senator Jim DeMint of South Caroline today said that gays and unmarried pregnant women should not teach in public schools. But I guess it’s okay for closeted gays and the fathers of these out-of-wedlock children.

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Britain just recognized “druidry” as a religion. Well, maybe if this Delaware thing doesn’t work out we’ve just found another future opportunity for Christine O’Donnell to find herself and then run for office.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 1 Comment

Giants baseball…

October 2, 2010

A violation of the Geneva Convention? But really, who said it was going to be easy in San Francisco? And now all that Giants fans have to do is relax tomorrow afternoon and watch Barry Zito.

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(And open note to bandwagon fans, when the Giants give out “rally rags,” like they did tonight to all 42,000 plus in the stadium, the rags should be waived when the GIANTS are hitting. Not the other guys.)

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On the other hand, you know it’s been a rough season for baseball fans in Los Angeles when there’s more September-October drama in the courtroom for the McCourt’s divorce than on the field at Dodger Stadium

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A massive and unseasonal storm has flooded parts of the East Coast. Normally the biggest thing underwater there this time of year is the Mets’ playoff chances.

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Meanwhile, Bud Selig proudly announced that this year, there will be ONE World Series game that will start early, at 655p Eastern, instead of 830p, for the benefit of children who might want to watch the game. And let’s see, with the number of commercial breaks, a near 7pm start might actually get the game finished by 11pm.

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The South Carolina Senate race already has a Green candidate and two write-in candidates, after controversial novice Alvin Greene won the Democratic primary. Now celebrity chef and cookbook author Nathalie Dupree has entered the race, also as a write-in candidate. Her slogan? Maybe “Getting out of the kitchen, but I can stand the heat.”

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The latest from Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell, about her “dabbling” as a youth.

“I would have become a Hare Krishna, but I didn’t want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why, because I’m Italian and I love meatballs.”

Does this mean if they had good Gardenburgers back then that O’Donnell would now be the first Tea Party Hare Krishna candidate?

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News Corp, the parent company of Fox News, just gave $1 million to the U.S Chamber of Commerce, a pro-GOP business lobby that is trying to help the Republicans retake control of Congress. Golly. This could lead to people thinking Fox News might be biased.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle now has another Tea Party competitor, Scott Ashijian, who is running as a write-in candidate. Said one of Angle’s angry supporters, Scott Ashjian is an egomaniac whack-job.” Guess they’re worried about splitting that all important “whack-job” vote.

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EPCOT Center in Disney World has announced they are celebrating their 28th anniversary. Either that or 28 was their daily attendance. Not sure.

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San Francisco 49ers strong safety Michael Lewis didn’t apparently show up for practice today. Should we be surprised? Most of the 49ers’ defense hasn’t shown up on Sundays all year

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Singer-songwriter Bruno Mars has been arrested on felony cocaine-possession charges in Las Vegas. His alleged words to the police officers “That’s the last time I borrow gum from Paris Hilton.”

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A nice one from Bill Littlejohn:

At a Great Sports Legends Dinner on Monday, former President Bill Clinton said that he’s ‘dreamed
of getting a lesson from Annika Sorenstam’. He said he’d also like her to teach him some golf.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Christine O'Donnell jokes

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It pays to be frugal…

October 1, 2010

Right about now Jerry Brown has to be thanking his lucky stars that he’s too cheap to hire a housekeeper.

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Just wondering though, if it had been Jerry Brown who had the illegal housekeeper, would Meg Whitman say it was a non-issue and he had no real reason to doubt her?

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But seriously, Meg Whitman has stated strongly that illegal immigrants should be deported, Yet if you listen to Meg’s side of “Nannygate, the sequel,” she alleges that she found out her housekeeper, who had “become a member of their extended family” was illegal in back 2009 and chose to fire her rather than have her arrested.

Wouldn’t you think the personal experience just MIGHT have made her see that there are shades of gray with this issue…? (Well, we can dream…)

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Regarding this housekeeper with the phony social security number. Presumably Whitman withheld taxes from her paycheck, and paid her employer social security contribution as well. But in cases where it’s a phony number, the employee never gets anything back…..it’s basically free money for the government.

And right or wrong, the government is taking in a LOT of money this way.

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It just gets worse for Christine O’Donnell. Today a number of witches and warlocks came forward to say that besides not attending all those schools, they have no record of her ever really dabbling in witchcraft either.

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The SF Giants were 6 1/2 games out of first place on August 25. Thursday they clinched at least a tie for the Western Division title. Are we sure someone on the team isn’t dabbling in witchcraft?

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On the other hand, the Padres have lost 22 of 34 games since Aug. 25. They’ve fallen faster than Lebron James’ reputation.

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After an off-season marred by controversy with players increasingly calling the shots as to in which big market they want to play, and others, still under contract, acting like spoiled children who want to play only with their friends, the NBA has taken some action.

Coaches will no longer be allowed to wear mock turtlenecks under their suit jacket; a collared shirt will be required. Good to see the league is a dealing with the important issues.

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Tour de France champion Alberto Contador is blaming contaminated meat for his positive doping test. Great, now how many world-class athletes will claim to have been hanging out with Lady Gaga?

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Chad Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal sold in the Cincinnati area that benefits “Feed the Children” Unfortunately a phone number on the box for further donations has a typo that results in callers reaching a phone sex line. Not maybe what Ochocino meant in his tweet urging his fans to buy the cereal and “start your day with a l’il sugar.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, Jerry Brown jokes, Meg Whitman, Meg Whitman jokes, Ochicinco cereal sex line

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Classes? Classes? We don’t need no stinkin’ classes.

September 30, 2010

Christine O’Donnell lists both Claremont Graduate University and Oxford University on her resume. But this week both institutions denied she had ever attended their classes. USC is wondering if they can use the same logic with Reggie Bush.

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This week, Jimmy Raye became the fifth 49ers offensive-coordinator fired since QB Alex Smith has been with the club. Isn’t simply blaming the 49ers’ struggles on the latest offensive coordinator kind of like simply blaming Larry King’s latest wife for the failure of their marriage?

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Okay, regarding illegal immigrants, what’s the over-under on what percentage of Californians have hired someone illegal in their lives, either directly or through a contractor? I’m guessing about 90 percent have done so. (Have you hired babysitters, gardeners, contractors, housecleaners.. ? And this doesn’t count second-hand things like having your car washed, eating in restaurants, buying cheap produce.

Not saying it’s avoidable, but hypocrisy is a problem.

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And regarding Meg Whitman’s housekeeper situation: This is one of many reasons why voting and following politics is important. Anyone who paid attention to Nannygate (Bill Clinton losing TWO Attorney General nominees over illegal nannies) in 1993 would have known – check identification for household staff CAREFULLY.

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Tour de France winner Alberto Contador became the latest top cyclist to test possible for a banned drug. He blamed “tainted food.” What, was his team all out of “tainted supplements?”

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‎2009 Horse of the Year Rachel Alexandra will be retired and bred to Curlin, the 2007-08 Horse of the Year. Her owner said it was time to “reward her with a less stressful life.” Only in the equine world would motherhood be viewed as “a less stressful life.”

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Jersey Shore” star Snooki has a book deal. Is this to write one or read one?

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Apparently while Christine O’Donnell says she attended Oxford, it turns out it was a summer program sponsored by the Phoenix Institute, which wasn’t connected with the University. So it’s a stretch to say she studied at Oxford. Of course, George W. Bush did actually attend both Yale and Harvard.

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Justin Bieber is featured on the cover of Teen Vogue, where he is interviewed about how he feels about his fans. One thing he asks those fans – “Don’t come up to me while I’m eating.”

Apparently it’s been a whole year since he was able to finish a whole Happy Meal in peace.

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Robin Williams has come out with an ad-endorsement for Barbara Boxer. Makes sense that comedians are getting involved in this year’s election cycle. Some of the candidates if elected could wind up seriously competing with their acts.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, Meg Whitman jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Thank you, Cubbies.

September 29, 2010

Refrain for all Giants fans for the week: “Okay, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs.’

(for non-baseball fans, the Cubs have just won two in a row from the San Diego Padres, who the Giants are competing with for a playoff berth.)

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Earlier this summer, Giants pitcher Jonathan Sanchez made the mistake of predicting a San Francisco sweep against the Padres, and then went out and lost his start. He has been considerably more circumspect sense.

Meanwhile, last weekend, Padres catcher Yorvit Torrealba put San Diego’s chances of making the playoffs at “300 percent.” Now it definitely could still happen, but if Torrealba doesn’t play winter ball he might want to spend the offseason working on his mouth, and his math skills.

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Here’s an interesting bit of irony. When the San Francisco Giants, plagued by poor attendance and a poor ballpark, almost left SF after the 1992 season, they planned to move to the Tampa-St Petersburg area.

Last night, when the Tampa Bay Rays had a chance to clinch the division, they drew an “official” crowd of 12,446 fans (which looked a lot smaller), and the team is giving away 20,000 unsold tickets for their last regular season home game tomorrow.

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Rays star Evan Longoria was upset about the empty seats, and said publicly that it was embarrassing. If the man ever gets traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers someone better warn him about that third and seventh inning thing.

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Meanwhile, in the college game, the University of California announced it was cutting varsity baseball after 2011, along with rugby and some smaller sports. This will save the cash-strapped university about $4 million a year. $4 million. That’s about what Meg Whitman is spending on ads per week.

Regarding the Cal baseball program, has anyone thought of calling feuding Dodgers owners and soon-to-be-ex-spouses Frank and Jamie McCourt? Here’s their chance to back a genuine amateur team for the fraction of the cost of those boys at Chavez Ravine.
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During their gubernatorial debate, both Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown declined to say there was any benefit to illegal immigration for Californians. But both also said they were open to the idea of a Peripheral Canal idea to transport water in California. Yo, folks, if the state approves such a canal, who do think is going to dig it?

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Meg Whitman was just asked during the debate if she were elected would she work on changing campaign finance laws. Her answer, not immediately. What she means – not until after I’ve been able to buy my re-election.-

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The IRS says so many people are filing tax returns electronically that they will no longer automatically mail a traditional paper form. And we wonder why the Post Office is in trouble.

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Former President Jimmy Carter is apparently resting comfortably in a Cleveland hospital after becoming ill with an upset stomach on a Delta flight from Atlanta. Let’s hope he didn’t accept an invitation to join the pilots in the cockpit for a drink.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Coincidentally, the people who caused the recession are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Whitman-Brown debate jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Magic numbers?

September 28, 2010

With six games to go, SF Giants magic number is 6. L.A. Dodgers magic number is 18.

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Tonight, temperamental Chicago hurler Carlos Zambrano stepped up big time and the Cubs hung on for a 1-0 win over the San Diego Padres. Grateful Giants fans are considering sacrificing a water cooler in Zambrano’s honor.

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The SF Giants, one of the most “offensively-challenged” teams in baseball, will play the similarly afflicted San Diego Padres this weekend, with the NL Western Division title probably on the line. This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks.

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Sad story about the owner of the Segway company falling off a cliff while riding one of his machines. Sad, really. But I defy anyone to read the story without at least trying to stop giggling.

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Georgia Bulldogs freshman linebacker Demetre Baker, 19, was jailed this weekend in Athens on DUI and underage alcohol possession charges.

This makes him the 10th football player from the University arrested this year. On a brighter note, Georgia announced they officially are now running the NCAA’s best NFL preparedness program.

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For Canadian football fans – The cellar-dwelling Winnipeg Blue Bombers are actually a .500 team at home, but are winless in their six away games. In fact, they might have the worst record on the road since George Michael.

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Braylon Edwards was arrested last week for DUI, with a alleged blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. Jets coach Rex Ryan suspended him for ONE quarter, saying he thought Braylon had “suffered enough.” And Edwards caught a 67-yard touchdown catch that the team beat the Dolphins 31-23 Sunday. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

(If he’d injured or killed someone in an accident wonder if Ryan would have suspended him for a whole half?)
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While Michael Douglas’ sequel to “Wall Street” was the number one movie last week, it still put up disappointing numbers after mostly mediocre reviews. Apparently while “Money Never Sleeps,” the audience might doze off.

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As the Denver Nuggets try to unload a disgruntled Carmelo Anthony, Anthony is perhaps trying to salvage his reputation by insisting, “I’ve never said I wanted to be traded. I never once said anything about trade talk.”

Indeed, a trade means someone else gets to choose. Carmelo just wants to play where HE wants to play. Wonder if he’s already trying working out a deal for an ESPN special.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “Stanford’s FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie.”
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Rough day for the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers. Who’d a thunk that the best football team in California this year might turn out to be Stanford?

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Christine O’Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don’t tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, Cubs jokes, Jets jokes, Padres jokes, SF Giants jokes

Comments: 5 Comments

Where is Patsy Cline when you need her?

September 26, 2010

But either “Crazy” or “I Fall to Pieces” would be appropriate for more than one candidate this fall.

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Bob Brenley said he has decided not to seek the Cubs managerial job for “personal and professional” reasons. Translation personally, he’s not crazy and professionally, he values his career.

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In the latest Christine O’Donnell clip she calls evolution “a myth” and asks the question: if evolution is real, “why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?”

Well, actually, not only may this be happening, but some of these semi-evolved creatures seem to be running for office.

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Politicians on both sides of the aisle said Sunday that comedian Stephen Colbert’s testimony last week on immigration was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment.”

I guess the only people who are supposed to behave inappropriately and be embarrassing in Congress have to be elected there first.

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UCLA 34 – Texas 12. Texans haven’t been so embarrassed since George W. was president.

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Brett Favre’s Vikings got a monkey off their back with their first win of the year against the Detroit Lions. Now, the next step, seeing if Favre can still play against an NFL caliber team.

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Cal dominated Arizona’s offense for 58 minutes before losing 10 to 9 on a touchdown with a minute left. Just another example of why “prevent defense” is an oxymoron.

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The 49ers are 0-3. Meanwhile, Stanford is 4-0, Andrew Luck is looking like a number one draft pick if he comes out early, and Jim Harbaugh is looking like a mad genius.

Wonder if those two could be reunited at Candletstick park next year?

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Allegations of the Rockies using non-humidor baseballs when batting picked up steam Friday when lip readers caught Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum mouthing “‘blanking’ juiced balls.”
Colorado has denied the rumors, citing “their respect for the integrity of the game.””Right,” commented, among others, Gaylord Perry and Derek Jeter.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 1 Comment

The once and future King?

September 24, 2010

Larry King visited the set of SNL this week and apparently asked about being a guest host. While they were intrigued, the show’s producers said they were actually moving more in the direction of younger trendy hosts like Betty White.

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Katy Perry was bounced off Sesame Street for being too slutty. This is not good for Miss Piggy.

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All this talk from Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman about what they’ll do if elected. But what about the issue that seems to be uppermost on Californians minds- do either of them have a plan to fix Lindsay Lohan?

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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The San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff has now allowed 3 runs or fewer in 18 straight games, a modern day record, eclipsed only by the dead ball era – 1916 NY Giants and the 1917 Chicago White Sox.

Even more amazing, Giants pitchers are doing it without benefit of pitching against their own lineup.

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First a little background on the next thought. At Coors Field the Rockies some years back started putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars, to make them moister and heavier. This after years of softball scores. The humidor works as the moist balls are heavier and don’t fly off the bat like a normal baseball left out in the dry mile-high air.

All well and good, but in the past few years, the Rockies have been putting up incredible numbers at home, especially in September. And one theory, which I subscribe to, is that just maybe they are putting some of those dried-out balls into the game, particularly late or when they are behind.

One Rockies spokesman said it wouldn’t happen due to the “integrity of the game,” (right, baseball has the longest history of cheating of maybe any major sport, from stealing signs to corked bats to pretending to be hit by a pitch.)

Anyway, my son told me tonight that there was video of Tim Lincecum asking for a new baseball and his lips clearly said “blanking juiced ball.”

Of course, it could be his imagination. And baseball is a mind game. Or maybe not.

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Carly Fiorina’s latest commercial is all about Barbara Boxer asking a general to call her “Senator” rather than “M’am” during a congressional hearing. Good to see Fiorina is really focused on the crucial issues facing California.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the idea of Sarah Palin being elected president (Hey, who thought W. could ever be elected…) But if it happened, which 2 years of her term would she choose to serve

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A woman in Montana got a bear to run out of her garden by throwing zucchini at the animal. Assume the bear was a teenager. (Although personally I avoid zucchini myself.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, humidor jokes, Janice Hough, Katy Perry jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, SF Giants jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Outages?

September 24, 2010

To anyone who saw the SF Giants Chicago Cubs score tonight. It was not a transmission problem, please do not adjust your set.

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The final score 13-0. How bad was it? My twisted friend Ben Burnett said many Cubs fans were feeling guilty, secretly hoping that the would-be bomber would return.

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On the other hand, Facebook had outages all day. The horror. Millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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And as Alex Kaseberg noted, Christine O’Donnell was very upset over Mafia Wars being down. Millions of people were forced to whack themselves.

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Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons fell off a horse and will need surgery for a broken pelvis. But he also apparently will make a full recovery and is “alert and coherent.” Many Nevada voters from both parties are now urging Sharron Angle to go horseback riding
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How can any comedy writer hope to compete with this? Sarah Palin on running for president -“If nobody else wanted to step up, I would offer myself up in the name of service to the public. I don’t need the title, I don’t need — for any kind of self-gratification, any personal power seeking of my own — to run for office,”

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Turns out San Francisco 49ers and Giants fans have something in common. They both root for teams who do all their scoring once a week.

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Seriously, why the SF Giants should make the playoffs – their pitching staff now holds the modern day (since 1920) record for 17 consecutive starts holding the opponents to 3 or less runs. Why they may not make the playoffs. the team has lost 6 of those 17 starts.

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Don Nelson is stepping down as coach of the Warriors. Although many frustrated Golden State fans will tell you he hasn’t been actually coaching the team for years.

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Katy Perry sang her version of “Hot N Cold” for Sesame Street. But the show’s producers decided her bustier was too revealing and pulled the segment before it aired.

Too bad, no doubt millions of kids would have never forgotten “B is for Boobjob.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: facebook jokes, SF Giants jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Winners and losers.

September 23, 2010

So Michael Vick will be the starting quarterback this Sunday for the Eagles. Well, Philly fans are famous for once booing Santa Claus, but whatever happens this week at least they won’t be able to say their team has gone to the dogs.

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KFC is going to pay female college students to wear fitted sweatpants with ads for “Double Down” on their rear ends. Maybe this is a bit unclear on the concept; “Double Down” is KFC’s bunless sandwich.

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What’s the subtitle on this ad campaign. If the wording is readable, either you’re “too damn close,” or the wearer has had a few too many Double Downs?
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Starbucks is apparently hiking prices on some of their fancier drinks due to the soaring price of coffee. (The basic “tall” regular coffee price will remain unchanged.) Are they just a bit unclear on the concept? The fanciest mixed drinks probably have the smallest percentage of actual coffee.

Getting pretty tired of this headline – “(fill in name of journeyman pitcher) shuts out SF Giants in best pitching start of year.”

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A little more salt in the wound for all those SF Giants fans (like me) who haven’t gotten over the Joe Nathan for A.J. Pierzynski trade. A throw-in in that trade, Francisco Liriano, is now is 14-8 with a 3.44 ERA, and will be starting game one of the playoffs for the Twins.
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But it could be worse: Hard to believe that a month ago the St. Louis Cardinals looked like a lock for the postseason. Now they’re eight games behind the Reds and well out of the wild card picture. Manager Tony LaRussa’s popularity has fallen faster than anyone who hasn’t taken their talents to South Beach.

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Travel rant and there ought to be a law department: Three clients forwarded me a triple miles special offer from United Airlines today between LA or SF and JFK between now and the end of 2010.

Just one catch, the lowest “qualifying” fare is $1573 roundtrip, when United’s fares in those markets start under $300 roundtrip

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Sarah Palin has a new video advertisement promoting herself as a leader of the Tea Party movement. Actually, I think she is really a leader of the Sarah Palin movement.-

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A long-time cocaine smuggling ring was apparently broken up when one of the participants ended up having to check his carry-on bag, containing 41 pounds of cocaine, with Southwest Airlines and the airline temporarily misplaced the bag.

No word on what tipped DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officials off, but the gentleman in question is now in custody. He also now may have the record for the most expensive free checked bag in history.

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A Florida appeals court struck down the state’s ban on gay couples adopting children. The Department of Children and Familes had argued that there was “a rational basis for the prohibition on homosexual adoption because children will have better role models” with a father and mother in the picture.

Right, I would like to see some explain how a long-married gay couple could be worse role models for children than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. (Or for that matter, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline… Or Jon and Kate.)

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: KFC jokes, Michael Vick jokes, Sarah Palin jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Losing records.

September 22, 2010

Joe Torre apologized today for remarks indicating he might be interested in going back to New York :”It certainly wasn’t my intention of doing that and making people believe that I wanted to manage the Mets.”

Well, makes sense, if for no other reason than Torre doesn’t want other potential employers to question his sanity.

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New York manager Jerry Manuel had been upset about Joe Torre’s comment that he was “curious” about the Mets job, saying “I find it also curious when someone comments about a job that someone already has.”

Yeah, but considering that New York has the fifth highest payroll at $132 million and is in fourth place in their division, there is some question as to whether the someone who has the job is actually doing it.

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Houston Texans LT Duane Brown became the latest NFL player suspended for Performance Enhancing Drugs. And of course, he blamed a tainted supplement. At least Paris Hilton was original enough to come up with the gum excuse.

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After the 49ers loss to the New Orleans Saints by a last second field goal, many in the San Francisco media are loving to talk about the “moral victory.”

“Moral victory?” Who do they think Northern Californians are, Cubs fans?

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Meanwhile, Giants 1, Cubs 0. Just another offensive explosion for San Francisco.

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The Cubs, btw, have a $146 million payroll, and as of today 68 wins, which means they are about to come in at about $2 million a win. Making them just about the team equivalent to Barry Zito.

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A man was arrested allegedly for trying to plant a bomb near Wrigley Field. I suppose it’s some comfort to know at least that he wasn’t targeting the World Series.

(Or as Alex Kaseberg added, “I thought the Cubs were the biggest bomb at Wrigley Field.)

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There are rumors Facebook may come out with a cellphone. If so, it might be the first smartphone without a voice app.
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Apparently Cher is leaving Las Vegas next February and Celine Dion is returning to take her place. Wait, didn’t the U.S. sign a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Lisa Murowski, who lost the Republican Primary as a sitting senator, has the following line in a television ad about her write-in candidacy:

“Alaskans have spoken, they cannot accept the extreme views of Joe Miller nor the inexperience of (Democrat) Scott McAdams.”

(Well actually, based on the votes in the primary, Senator Murkowski, Alaskans have spoken, and they don’t want you.)

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A joint joke with my funny friend Jerry Perisho,

NFL star Reggie Bush broke his leg during Monday night’s game. Out of habit, he sent his copy of the x-rays back to the doctor.

Bush also said the crutches were not an admission that the leg was broken.
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Further regarding Bush’s statement about returning the Heisman not being an admission of guilt: Right, and Larry Craig’s pleading guilty was not an admission he was gay.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle suggested on Monday that she’d prefer free-market remedies to a legislative mandate that insurance companies be required to cover people with pre-existing condition. Uh, haven’t we been trying “free-market remedies” up until this point. Didn’t appear they were working.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Mets jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Payouts and payback

September 21, 2010

Apparently Los Angeles created only 55 jobs with $110 million in stimulus money. Big deal, Meg Whitman is trying to create only one job with $150 million of her own money.

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Actual verbatim headline on SI.Com after tonights 49ers-Saints game. “Bush on crutches after injurying leg in fourth quarter.”

Is there something about the name “Bush” that is incompatible with the English language?

(Michael Duca’s response, “Men can’t think properly in the presence of the word.)

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Here’s hoping Reggie Bush’s injury isn’t career ending, but for all those who talk about “God’s Will,” maybe God thought it was time for a little karmic payback after all the media fawning over Bush’s “doing the right thing” regarding returning the Heisman?
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Christine O’Donnell now says if she WERE a witch, Karl Rove would be a supporter of hers. No, if she was really a witch, those clips would have vaporized, and Bill Maher would be living on a lilypad in a pond.

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Ohio University has apologized to Ohio State and its fans after the school’s Bobcat mascot tackled the Buckeye’s Brutus mascot. Meanwhile, after the school’s 43-7 loss to OSU, Ohio coach Frank Solich has recruited the Bobcat to play defense.
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Watching Brett Favre being interviewed yesterday after the Vikings loss, seemed like both he and Lindsay Lohan have a problem in knowing when to quit.

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Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it’s not a glamorous life being a single mother.

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New York Republican candidate Carl Paladino, said recently that Manhattan is “home to smug, self-important, pampered liberal elitists.”

Not necessarily true, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx.

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Meanwhile, in California, Meg Whitman is continuing her campaign to win the vote of all smug, self-important pampered conservative elitists.

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Former CEO Mark Hurd has reached an agreement with HP to settle their lawsuit. Hurd will give up the stock portion of his severance and HP will “allow” him to work for Oracle. So he will only get $12 million cash severance and a new $11 million a year package at Oracle. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, Janice Hough, Meg Whitman jokes, Reggie Bush jokes

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Maybe he wasn’t ready for some football?

September 20, 2010

Four turnovers for Brett Favre today in Minnesota. At this rate he’ll be the first player in in the NFL to have his age be a higher number than his quarterback rating.

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The Vikings, however, have a plan for next weekend. Any defensive linemen or linebackers who get close to Favre will be charged with elder abuse.

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Meanwhile, the Dallas Cowboys are 0-2. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one outside the state of Texas.

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And better or worse news, depending on whether or not you live in Texas – Isn’t letting Jay Cutler throw three touchdowns with no interceptions kind of the NFL equivalent of being a major college program beaten by a FCS (Division 1-AA) team?

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One consolation for Redskins fans after their overtime loss to the Texans Sunday. Based on watching Oakland’s first two games, keeping Jason Campbell would have meant Washington would have lost before the game ever got close to overtime.
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Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio suffered a mlld heart attack in the morning only hours after his gutsy fake field goal call led to a Spartans win over the Fighting Irish. Notre Dame sent flowers, well-wishes and a suggestion that next year that Dantonio not stress himself and turn play-callling over to his staff. .
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One of those warm and fuzzy statistics…. the Florida Gators’ 31 points against Tennessee on Saturday exactly matched the total of players arrested since Urban Meyer began coaching the team in 2005. (The latest, Chris Rainey, who sent his girlfriend a “Time to Die” text. He is temporarily suspended, but maybe not for the Alabama game.)

Fox is starting their commercials for the Major League Baseball postseason. Fans who have only been watching the Fox game of the week will be shocked to find out there will be no Yankees-Red Sox matchups.
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Not that I ever feel that sorry for a major network. But week 2 of the NFL season, all kinds of fascinating story lines along with baseball pennant races, and ESPN had to hold Sportscenter until after the meaningless Tigers-White Sox game. Which ended at 1224a Eastern Time after 11 innings.

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During the past eight games, the SF Giants have had six games where they scored a total of seven runs, and two games where they scored a total of 19 runs. So far. Can a batting lineup officially be diagnosed as schizophrenic?

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Lisa Murkowski says running as a write-in candidate after losing in the Republican primary is justified because she was the victim of a “smear” campaign. So when did Alaska become the nation’s number one whine producing state?

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Jon Stewart has announced a “March to Restore Sanity” in Washington, D.C. Some say he is a dream, but hey, it might be easier than restoring a winning record to the Redskins.

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Colin Powell says he’s hired illegal immigrants at his home, adding that he thinks they do thing like repairs at most people’s homes. Well, at least he’s honest about it. Mitt Romney fired his gardening crew when it was revealed many of them were illegals, but the same thing turned out to be true with a replacement crew.

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And for what it’s worth, anyone who is REALLY concerned about illegal workers can of course look for bonded cleaning services , union contractors and licensed babysitters. Not to mention get all their produce from boutique farmers, etc. And probably eat at home, because you never know who’s washing your dishes.

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Favre jokes, football jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

Is she a good witch, or a bad witch?

September 19, 2010

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said on Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” show in 1999 that she had “dabbled in witchcraft.” Hmm, maybe now we know how she came out of nowhere to win the Republican primary.

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So much for all those Republicans who thought the only politician who rode around on a broom was Hillary Clinton.

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And you have to wonder, Maher says he has more clips from the show, which he will show unless O’Donnell agrees to come back on this year.

So if “witchcraft” was the first clip he released….what’s he saving for later?

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Lindsay Lohan failed at least one drug test this week. Now, clearly the woman is an addict, but with as much money as she has to afford help and support, and KNOWING she is tested daily, at some point isn’t a failed drug test a failed IQ test?

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Congrats to C.C. Sabathia, the first pitcher in the majors to win 20 games. He attributes it to hard work, throwing strikes and being supported by the Yankees lineup.

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Hollywood columnist James Bacon, 96, died today after a 75 year career. He might have been the last person who remembered what Joan Rivers’ real face actually looked like.

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The Cal Bears scheduled an early season football game with WAC member Nevada, hoping that a lopsided win would offset playing such a weak opponent in the polls. The result, a 52-31 LOSS to the Wolfpack in Reno. Just goes to show, it’s never that smart an idea to gamble in Nevada.

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So Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would abide by the will of the voters if she lost the Republican primary, has changed her mind and will run as a write-in candidate. What is it up in Alaska that no one thinks the regular rules about when to leave office or quit apply to them?

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Hua Mei, the first giant panda born in the United States (at the San Diego Zoo.), is back in China where she has now given birth to her eighth cub. Wonder if “Hua Mei” translates to “Octopanda?”

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Stanford 68 – Wake Forest 24. Well, looks like San Francisco Bay Area football fans have at least one professional looking offense to watch this season.

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Although to be fair, Wake Forest also gave up 48 points in a 52-48 win over Duke last week. Fans in North Carolina haven’t been this disappointed by scoring since John Edwards annnounced he had fathered a “love child.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, football jokes

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Left Coast Sports Babe