Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Is she a good witch, or a bad witch?

September 19, 2010

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said on Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” show in 1999 that she had “dabbled in witchcraft.” Hmm, maybe now we know how she came out of nowhere to win the Republican primary.


So much for all those Republicans who thought the only politician who rode around on a broom was Hillary Clinton.


And you have to wonder, Maher says he has more clips from the show, which he will show unless O’Donnell agrees to come back on this year.

So if “witchcraft” was the first clip he released….what’s he saving for later?


Lindsay Lohan failed at least one drug test this week. Now, clearly the woman is an addict, but with as much money as she has to afford help and support, and KNOWING she is tested daily, at some point isn’t a failed drug test a failed IQ test?

Congrats to C.C. Sabathia, the first pitcher in the majors to win 20 games. He attributes it to hard work, throwing strikes and being supported by the Yankees lineup.


Hollywood columnist James Bacon, 96, died today after a 75 year career. He might have been the last person who remembered what Joan Rivers’ real face actually looked like.

The Cal Bears scheduled an early season football game with WAC member Nevada, hoping that a lopsided win would offset playing such a weak opponent in the polls. The result, a 52-31 LOSS to the Wolfpack in Reno. Just goes to show, it’s never that smart an idea to gamble in Nevada.


So Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would abide by the will of the voters if she lost the Republican primary, has changed her mind and will run as a write-in candidate. What is it up in Alaska that no one thinks the regular rules about when to leave office or quit apply to them?

Hua Mei, the first giant panda born in the United States (at the San Diego Zoo.), is back in China where she has now given birth to her eighth cub. Wonder if “Hua Mei” translates to “Octopanda?”

Stanford 68 – Wake Forest 24. Well, looks like San Francisco Bay Area football fans have at least one professional looking offense to watch this season.


Although to be fair, Wake Forest also gave up 48 points in a 52-48 win over Duke last week. Fans in North Carolina haven’t been this disappointed by scoring since John Edwards annnounced he had fathered a “love child.”

Week one – weak one?

September 13, 2010

There were a few things that most the country could be happy about after one week of the NFL season – For starters, we won’t have to hear about the Colts’ pursuit of perfection, again.


Anyone want to start a pool on the over-under for the first week that T.O. will start complaining about Carson Palmer?


T.O. and Ochocinco posed as Batman and Robin for a photo shoot with the Cincinnati Enquirer. I don’t know, after week one seems like the same old Jokers to me.


Meanwhile in Oakland they’re hoping that Jason Campbell isn’t just JaMarcus Russell without the bling.


Wacky prediction, but I’m serious. Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s next job — maybe in 2012? Coach of the San Francisco 49ers. Hey, at least he’s proven he can beat a team coached by Pete Carroll.

Starbucks is taking some heat from conspiracy theorists, because some of their newly redone drive-thru menu boards list Grande (16 oz.) and Venti (20 oz.) sized beverages. But not the smaller Tall (12 oz) drinks, which are still for sale. (Along with the by request only Short (8 oz.).

The company responds that customers requested easier to read boards and that the “Tall” drinks weren’t selling that well. Makes sense, if you need coffee before you get out of the car, smaller probably isn’t going to do it.


But speaking of conspiracy theories, the Colorado Rockies had an almost perfect September in 2009, and they just completed a perfect homestand. Isn’t it about time Selig sent someone to see what’s up with that humidor?

(Explanation of the above for non-baseball junkies. When Coors Field opened, baseballs flew out of the park like it was a little league diamond because of the high-altitude.) After a number of losing seasons, and discovering no pitchers would sign with the team – altitude also means pitches won’t move like they do at sea-level, the team came up with the idea of putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars. The “humidified” or “wet” baseballs behaved much more normally and the run totals went down.

Now, the Rockies have been coming up with all kind of late inning wins at home, and of course it could be just another magical run. But it wouldn’t be that hard to toss in some “dry” balls in the home half of the inning.)

Meanwhile, up in Alaska, it looks like Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would support the Tea Party nominee who won the Republican primary, now will run as a independent in November.

What is it up there in our 49th state. Either they don’t know when to quit, or they don’t know when to finish their job?


Newt Gingrich said of Barack Obama, that the president has a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview. Now, I’m not sure what a “Kenyan” worldview is, but isn’t “anti-colonial” what our founding fathers were up to in 1776?


Inspired by Gary Morton. The humiliated Virginia Tech football program vowed it won’t happen again, next year they’re scheduling Boise Community College and Dollie Madison.

(bit of trivia, Boise State was actually founded in 1932 as Boise Junior College. Don’t tell the BCS.)

Embarrassments?

September 12, 2010

Stanford 35, UCLA 0. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen in Los Angeles since the Dodgers.

Good news from Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida, and the “Dove World Outreach Church.”)

On September 11, nothing got burned except USF’s secondary (The Gators won 38-14), and Penn State women’s volleyball 109 consecutive match winning streak. (Stanford beat them in 3 sets.)


Meanwhile, the Vatican issued a message calling for Catholics worldwide to show love and tolerance. Except pertaining to Ann Arbor, Michigan.


Congrats to Quarterback Denard Robinson, who broke the school record with 502 total yards today in Michigan’s 28-24 win over Notre Dame. It takes a special talent to overcome the coaching abilities of Rich Rodriguez.


Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl got fined $1.5 million for making misleading statements to the university amidst an NCAA investigation.

Guess Tennessee can use the money to help pick up the pieces left by football coach Lane Kiffin – who misled the university, and got the team under an NCAA investigation. And got rewarded with a new contract at USC.


The USA basketball team has quietly made it to the FIBA World Basketball Championships, without much fanfare or high ratings back home in America.

So much for all those who said that Americans didn’t care about the World Cup because it wasn’t our sport. We don’t care about any sport unless it’s the NFL, NBA, or maybe Major League Baseball.



Pat Riley is complaining already about those who have made personal attacks against players on the Miami Heat. And really, what have any members of the team done to warrant any unwanted special attention this summer?


Alabama 24, Penn State 3. Joe Paterno is about to discover one of the only good thing about being 84 years old. He may not remember this game in the morning.

Shocking upset of the day, Virginia Tech lost today to James Madison. The biggest shock to most sports fans, that James Madison HAS a football team.


Meg Whitman has been running ads saying she’s the only “fiscally responsible” candidate for Governor in California. And she’ll spent as many millions as it takes to get that message out.


Question of the day. At an event with Glenn Beck in Anchorage, Sarah Palin asked the crowd “What would we do without Fox News?”

Any readers want to answer that question? (Keep it PG-13, please.)

All about the marketing?

September 11, 2010

Now that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has been declared unconstitutional, there are rumors that the Army may change its slogan – from “Army Strong,” to “Army Fabulous.”


KFC has decided to try to “regain prestige” with a marketing campaign to remind consumers about their original founder, Colonel Sanders. (Who was a real person.)

Here’s a free tip for the beleaguered fast foot chain. If you are really going for the “prestige” brand image, maybe it’s not a good idea to introduce a “Double Down” sandwich that is simply two pieces of fried chicken with bacon and cheese inside?

Coffee futures have soared 44% since June. Starbucks has announced they will be sensitive to the economy, however, and offer their customers very low mortgage rates on lattes


Neither the Saints nor the Vikings had great games on offense in their season opener. But one major requirement for being a great NFL quarterback is a short memory. At this point, Brett Favre has that down cold.


Former West Virginia and Miami Dolphins Quarterback Pat White signed today with the Kansas City Royals, even though he hasn’t played baseball since he graduated from high school in 2004.

Apparently White, while he had a great football career, always wanted to be on a Major League Baseball roster. And failing that, he’d be happy to play for the Royals.

Angelina Jolie said in an interview with CNN that she doesn’t have a lot of friends, and Brad is the only person she can talk to. Really? Cant imagine why women, especially other young married women, wouldn’t feel comfortable with her around.


Carly Fiorina, speaking to Tea Party supporters today, slammed Barbara Boxer for asking a general to call her “Senator” instead of “Ma’am.” Well, I suppose better to focus on something important like that rather than slamming California’s “excessive regulations” on the day after a tragedy caused by a gas main explosion.

News story from Texas: A mother was angry at a group of seventh grade girls celebrating a blow-out win over her daughter’s middle-school volleyball team. So she pulled a gun on them while they were celebrating in the parking lot… The celebration ended fast and the girls fled. Even in Florida they are saying, “These people are nuts.”


From Marc Ragovin.

In a self-prepared report, BP has exonerated itself of liability for the Gulf oil spill, while pointing the fnger at everyone else involved in the rig’s construction. That’s like the owners of the Titanic blaming water for freezing at 32 degrees.

“Hook ups” and beyond.

September 7, 2010

A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”


Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.


But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?


Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”


Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)

A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.


The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”


NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”

Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.


Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…

Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.

Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.


For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?

September mourning?

September 6, 2010

Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?


T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.


Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.

Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.


My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”


The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.

How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.

John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.


Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.

Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?


The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.

Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?

Winners and losers.

September 1, 2010

While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.


San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.


But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.

(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)


Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”

Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”


Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.

(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)

from t.c.

Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.


Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.

They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.

A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.

I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.


Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.

Big tent?

August 26, 2010

Larry Craig, California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Ken Mehlman…. The GOP may or may not have that “Big Tent.” But they sure have a big closet.


Ken Mehlman, former RNC chair and director of President Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign, came out of the closet, and said he will become a gay rights advocate. So Mehlman spent the first 44 years of his life being ashamed of his homosexuality, now he can spend the rest of his life being ashamed of having helped re-elect George W?


Mehlman, said of his coming out “It’s something I wish I had done years ago.” And millions of gay Americans who faced discrimination during the Bush years added “Not half as much was we do.”

Regarding Melman’s saying he wants to become a gay rights advocate.. isn’t that like…

Jon Gosselin writing a parenting book?

Newt Gringrich espousing family values?

John Edwards defending traditional marriage?

Bristol Palin promoting abstinence?

Oops, never mind.


One of the reasons Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston for a second time was that she said he only cared about being in the media limelight. No doubt we will hear more about that from Bristol now that she has signed up to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”


NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league plans to expand to an 18 game regular season in 2012. That is, if they can prove that for Detroit Lions fans, 18 games isn’t a violation of the Geneva convention.


Elin Nordegren said she never hit Tiger Woods on the night of his car crash. Sounds like her aim is about as good as her ex-husband’s has been lately.


Stephen Strasburg will apparently be shut down for the year. Well, his season lasted longer than the Cubs’.

Rick Scott, who spent $38 million of his own money to win the Florida Republican senate primary,, says there is no limit on what he will spend to win the general election. Scoffed Meg Whitman in California, “everything’s cheaper in Florida.”

Bill Littlejohn noted that Dennis Rodman says he has had sex with 2000, which figures as he was always about 10 percent the player Wilt was.

(Wonder how many of those 2000 women were lesbians?)

Goodbye Sweet Lou…

August 23, 2010

A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.


Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.

Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.


Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.


Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.

Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.


A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.


from Alex Kaseberg:

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.


Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.


from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.

He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.


In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.

As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”

Commitment and maturity.

August 22, 2010

Brett Favre apparently stressed his “commitment” to the Vikings in a team meeting. Commitment? Right. Can you imagine Favre at his wedding? “Do you take this woman…” “Uh, I think I …I’d really like to…. can I get back to you on that?”


Vin Scully just announced he will return to the Dodgers for his 62th season in 2011. Let’s hope Brett Favre doesn’t find out about this.

62 seasons? Scully just missed Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.


‎”Eat, Pray, Love,” has now taken in $47 million in two weeks in the U.S. Which must mean at least a few dozen men have now seen the movie.


or

How warm has it been in much of the U.S.? Given a choice between mowing the lawn and going with their wives to see “Eat, Pray, Love” it looks like some men have actually decided to go to the movie.

In an open letter to Cincinnati fans, Terrell Owens says he has matured. This might be true . On the other hand, wine in a box matures too, but that still doesn’t mean you want to touch the stuff.


Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Sunday that he won’t rule out returning to politics. If he can find someone offering an office at a fair price.

Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows.

In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy.

from t.c.

Tom Hanks to Lou Pinella – “Crying?, crying?… there’s no crying in baseball!!!!” Oh yes there is, say season’s ticket holders of the Pirates, Cubs, Mets, Royals, Mariners and Orioles

Many Americans say it’s not that they’re anti-Muslim, but a Islamic Center near Ground Zero seems inappropriate near American sacred ground. Well, Turkish Muslims seem to be coping with the McDonalds’ restaurant near the Blue Mosque.

A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

August 20, 2010

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”

Really?


Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.


Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.


One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.


The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.


Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”


Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”


Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”


Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.

Another one bites the dust…

August 17, 2010

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)


The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?


At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?


Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?


Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.


So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.


Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”


“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

Onamatopoeia and beyond.

August 15, 2010

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”


Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.


The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets


Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?

JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.


A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?


While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)


The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.


This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.


Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.

Base-brawls etc.

August 13, 2010

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto has been suspended seven games for his part in a brawl with the St Louis Cardinals that resulted in at least one injury. No word on if Cueto will be disciplined further by the Reds but apparently he has received at least a tentative offer from the Bengals.

After an altercation with his father-in-law, Mets closer K-Rod was arrested and charged with criminal assault. After blowing a 9-2 lead in the eighth against the Phillies and losing 10-9, however, wonder if the Dodgers bullpen will be arrested and charged with criminal negligence?-

On a brighter note for New Yorkers, there’s now a Pop Tarts store in Times Square. For all those folks who would normally go to the Hershey’s store but are on a health kick.

Wonder how they came up with New York for the store. Guess they figured locals have always been looking for some kind of food they could actually toast and eat out of hand for breakfast?


Okay, some either fascinating or useless baseball trivia, not that those are mutually exclusive. Whether or not they make the playoffs, the Giants lead the majors in Golden Spike award winners (top amateur player in the country.) Buster Posey – 2008, Tim Lincecum -2006, Pat Burrell -1998.


Another weird baseball item. Today in San Francisco at the Giants-Cubs game, it was a 7-7 game in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, and Andres Torres hits a ball that bounces over the fence. Giants won 8-7. Shouldn’t a ground-rule double make the final score 9-7? (A home run would have made the score 11-7.)


The U.S. Womens gymnastics team finally received their Olympic bronze medals, ten years after the fact, because the Chinese team was found to be underage. Meanwhile, the young women from that Chinese team have hopes of winning this year’s All-Asia High School Championship.

The latest craziness in the citizenship wars is the rumor that women are coming here to the U.S. to have “terror babies. All these cute little U.S. citizen babies who will grow up to become terrorists? Doesn’t that at least temporarily describe most American teenagers?.

Senator John McCain said today that Snookie was “too good-looking to go to jail.” Said former Governor Rod Blagojevich, “hey, that’s MY excuse.”

Maxine Waters’ grandson has apparently been working as her chief of staff. Many Republicans have been condeming her for nepotism, but not for some reason, our most recent ex-president.


In California, it looks like both Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman have finally come out against repealing the 14th amendment. While we’re on the subject of amendments, however, many voters would feel more better about both women had they actually been taking advantage of the 19th.

Vacations, probations, etc…

August 9, 2010

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.


All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.

This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.


-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.


In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.


In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.


The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”


The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.


Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”


President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.

Lies, damn lies, and propositions….

August 5, 2010

An open question to all those in favor of Prop 8. Can any gay couple make more of a mockery of the idea of marriage than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston?

Semi serious note: I just don’t see why conservatives oppose gay marriage. Leave the moral and fairness issues aside and let’s talk money. Married couples pay higher tax rates. And weddings – including the reception and gifts – are expensive, which boost the state economy and bring in more sales tax. More sales tax revenue equals less need for raising income taxes.


Brett Favre now said Wednesday that he hasn’t decided on retirement, and the decision won’t be about money. Too bad, otherwise there is a chance we could pay him to go away.


Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run today. “That’s really awesome” said absolutely no one outside New York.


Two women have been charged with misdemeanors for a fight that led to a brawl during a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.
I guess we can expect felonies when their daughters try out for cheerleading.

Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth skipped yet another conditioning test and still isn’t allowed to practiced. Haynesworth hasn’t blown off this many tests since he was at the University of Tennessee.

Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested for shoplifting in New York. It will be interesting to see how Rudy ties this to 9/11.

In San Francisco, federal authorities today announced the a number of arrests, and seizure of more than 200,000 counterfeit retail items valued at $100 million, in one of the largest such busts ever in Caliifornia, The retailers, many near Fisherman’s Wharf, had been selling Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Chanel labeled items, for a fraction of the cost of the real thing

Local reaction was mixed. 25 percent said the arrests wer warranted, 25 percent said they were unnecessary, and 50 percent said they wished they had known the names of the stores earlier.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says testing players for HGH is about the “integrity of the game.” When a player can be suspended for steroids and go to the Pro Bowl in the same season I would ask “What integrity of the game?”

Happy Birthday to Barack Obama. Wonder what the over-under was on conservative commentators who both wished him a happy day and once again brought up the issue of his birth certificate? (Open note to all doubters – if he had faked being born in the U.S., trust me, Hillary would have proved it.)

Meg Whitman said today “In all likelihood I will vote no on Prop. 23,” (the climate change law suspension proposition.) Actually given Whitman’s past history, the first six words of her statement would have been newsworthy enough.

Dog days…

August 3, 2010

August begins baseball’s “dog days of summer” – when exhaustion is creeping in for most players, but the pennant races are heating up. Which means fans of contending teams can face agonizing games with high hopes and crushing disappointments.

And in Chicago, the unofficial motto now is “August at Wrigley Field – one of the most stress-free experiences in baseball.”

Ozzie Guillen is making waves, again, by saying that baseball should provide translators for Latino players like they routinely do for Asian players.

But why stop there? Heck, with translators most Americans could have actually understood George W. Bush. And politicians running in the general elections could find one translator for conservative groups and one for liberals. That way they wouldn’t have to come up with two different speeches.

The Pac 10 is going to change their name to the Pac 12, so as new commissioner Larry Scott says, the conference can be “mathematically correct.” The commish’s next task, explaining to USC players what “mathematically correct” means.

Quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was expelled from his first high school, and kicked off the University of Oregon team for repeated run-ins with the law, most recently driving on a suspended license and possessing marijuana. He just transferred to Mississippi, which was rated #5 on the top ten list of party schools. What could possibly go wrong?

Mitch Miller died today at the age of 99. His last wish was to be buried in a round, rubber coffin, so mourners could “follow the bouncing ball.”

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has suddenly started changing her positions on a several issues, from immigration, to climate change, to state furloughs. She said the timing has nothing to do with the fact she is now running a general election campaign, but that because she didn’t vote or pay attention until recently, it took her until now to learn how to act like a politician.


A survey said cat owners are 40 percent less likely than the public at large to die of heart attacks. But the same benefit is not found from owning a dog.

This could be for one of two reasons – first, that cats are just inherently soothing creatures. Second, that cat owners know that if if the backup plan is counting on a cat for heroism, you had better stay healthy.


just asking…….

An increasing number of conservatives want to update the 14th amendment to deny “birthright citizenship,” because they feel that the constitution should adapt to the modern immigration problem. In that case can we also look at the modern murder problem, and consider updating the 2nd amendment while we’re at it?

No crime or misdemeanor?

July 30, 2010

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”


Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.


With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)


Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.


After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”


Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.


A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.


Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.

On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

“Northern Overexposure,” renewed for another season.

July 30, 2010

So the “Northern Overexposure” show continues. Soon after the announcement that Bristol Palin is re-engaged to her ex-fiance, and father of her child, Levi Johnston, is facing a paternity test from an ex-girlfriend. Apparently the two reconnected during the time Bristol and Levi were not seeing each other.

The young woman says she “thinks” Levi is the father, but is “extremely embarrassed” because she doesn’t know.

Apparently there are at least three potential dads here. Who knew Levi and Bristol’s potential reality show might be an Alaskan remake of “Mama Mia.”


And okay, what kind of idiot gets a girl accidentally pregnant, and then doesn’t use condoms? (I never knew Levi had NBA aspirations.)


A friend posted this quote today. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” — Robert Wilensky, 1996

On the other hand, they do a good job of reproducing the collective tweets of Sarah Palin.

Poor ESPN. What are they to do? For a lead story on every edition of Sportscenter they won’t be able to decide between updates on A-Rod being stuck on 599 home runs, and Stephen Strasburg disabled list updates….


Regarding President Obama’s appearance on “the View,” give the guy a little credit for being aware of popular culture. They asked former President George W. Bush what he thought of the View and he replied “I liked the one of the Rose Garden best.”


Terrell Owens apparently arrived too late and missed his flight to Cincinnati last night. Well, T.O. may or may not still be able to get past NFL safeties, but clearly he’s no match for Delta gate agents.


An investigation has shown that as many as 6600 graves at Arlington National Cemetery may have been unmarked or mismarked. So apparently they should have been referring to the Tombs of the Unknown Soldiers.

Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent.


Buck Showalter was hired today as manager of the Orioles. Well, at least he won’t have to worry about any more criticism for managing badly during the playoffs.

(while Showalter has done well with teams in the past, none of them have won the World Series, and two won it the year AFTER he left.)

Meg Whitman has said if elected she will run California like she ran Ebay. For starters, instead of an expensive re-election campaign, she’ll just implement a “Buy-it-Now” button.


According to a recent poll, apparently Meg Whitman’s expensive commercials are largely being tuned out by California voters. Well, if this governor thing doesn’t work out, she may have a job waiting for her as director of programming for NBC.

Dignity, what dignity?

July 28, 2010

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell criticized Barack Obama for agreeing to appear on “the View” because he feels “there should be a little bit of dignity to the presidency.” Right, after George W. Bush who gave the German Chancellor a neck rub, and Bill Clinton, who, well, do we really need to go there…?-

The scandal continues in Bell, California, where top city officials were paid hundreds of thousands a year while the small town cut services and low-wage jobs. Normally the only people who are that overpaid in Southern California have signed long-term contracts with the Dodgers.

(or are named Lane Kiffin)

Lane Kiffin said he was surprised that the Titans are suing him over his stealth hiring of their former assistant coach, saying “I didn’t anticipate this. No one would have.” Sounds like the Trojans found a true successor to Pete Carroll.

But let’s see here, seriously, Carroll alleges he was perhaps the only person in the world who didn’t know that USC was probably going on probation for recruiting violations. Kiffin now says he might have been the only person in football who didn’t realize he was committing several violations in hiring Kennedy Pola from the Titans.

So is it time to change the name of the school to University of the Seriously Clueless?


Despite his mother’s having paid an “Unaccompanied Minor” fee, a 9 year old boy travelling from SF was forgotten in a children’s waiting room at O’Hare for almost 8 hours when no one came to pick him up for his Chicago Ottawa flight. Is this what United calls a “minor” problem?


No word on the rumor that United’s Airline’s alleged first response was “You paid an unaccompanied minor fee…we left him unaccompanied.”


Baseball players already face derision from players of other sports as not being “real athletes.” While I would disagree with that assessment, it would help if players would avoid injuries while doing things like putting on their shirts and hitting teammates with shaving cream pies.


Meanwhile on a more serious note, this year, all NFL team locker rooms with have a poster saying that players should report concussions or symptoms, and warning that repeated concussions “can change your life and your family’s life forever.” How about a simpler and more to the point message? “Playing football is hazardous to your health.”

But okay, once again, who came up with the baseball statistic “Quality Start?” (6 or more innings, 3 or less earned runs.) That’s a 4.50 ERA folks. It’s like saying .250 is a “Quality Batting Average.”

Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin are apparently going to go on a camping trip to be filmed for an episode of Kate’s new TLC reality show. Wonder what the episode will be titled? “Dumb and Dumber” has already been taken. (My friend Michael Duca suggests, “Twit and Twitter.)

Ohio State University says former football star Maurice Clarett has been granted admission again to complete his degree after he spent more than three years in prison.

Things will be a little different on campus for the man who once led the Buckeyes to a national championship….wonder if anyone’s told him yet about books and classes.