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Columbus Day..

October 13, 2009

Monday was Columbus Day. Which means many conservatives coud use the day off from work to continue their protests against illegal immigrants.

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The Denver Broncos ran their record to 5-0, despite wearing throwback uniforms that were so despised by the original AFL team that wore them that they were publicly burned the following year. At this point Raiders fans are considering a similar plan – with the team still in them.

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How bad looking were the uniforms? Even University of Oregon players wouldn’t be caught dead in them.

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It’s been a bad postseason for closers. In fact, there’s already been so many blown saves, some fans think they are watching the Sharks in the playoffs.

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When they play the Kansas City Chiefs Sunday, the Washington Redskins will become the first NFL team ever to play six straight games against previously winless opponents. Apparently last year’s Detroit Lions intra-squad games don’t count.

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Philadelphia fans were thrilled with their team’s ninth inning comeback Monday night. It means they get to once again boo the Phillies in the NLCS.

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Maurice Sendak has been popular for over 30 years, often by writing books that appeal more to children than their parents. While “Where the Wild Things Are.” has not appeared at the theatre yet, the author did provide a glimpse of the attitude that appeals to many children…..

A reporter asked him ‘What would you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?”

Sendak: “I would tell them to go to hell.””

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With all the jokes about the Nobel committee turning the Peace prize into a joke, maybe it’s time for a few new Nobel prizes.

For Joe Biden, if he can ever learn to shut up – “The Nobel Cease Prize.”

For Captain “Sully” Sullenberger – “The Nobel Geese Prize.”

For AIG “The Nobel Fleece Prize.”

For Conan O’Brien’s hair – “The Nobel Grease Prize.

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Commie pinko time.

Health insurance companies are claiming that over the next decade, Senate legislation will result in families paying thousands more a year for their premiums. As opposed to the status quo, where they will end up paying tens of thousands more for their premiums.

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Errors and omissions.

October 11, 2009

John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be “an error of historic proportions.”. And if anyone knows about historic errors, it’s the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.

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A study says that people who experience traumatic events as children could see their life expectancy drop by as much as twenty years. This could mean an NC17 rating for Wrigley Field.

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The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Colorado Rockies in sub-freezing weather at Coors Field Sunday night. Apparently it was the coldest game anyone can remember in major league baseball since the Giants left Candlestick.

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The Phillies’ winning rally included a hit that should have been ruled a foul ball. Yet another blown call by the umps this postseason. Talk about game-change performances that SHOULD be sponsored by Pontiac.

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The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016. Well, it’s probably about time Tiger Woods got some international exposure.

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How bad are things for the Redskins? Folks in D.C. are starting to think about season tickets next year for the Nationals.

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For the 2-3 Redskins, all their losses have been their opponent’s first wins of the season. President Obama is considering asking the team to speak out against health care reform.

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Next up for the Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, 0-5 after going 0-4 in the preseason. If the Chiefs also beat the ‘Skins, on November 1, put your money on a first ever win “bye week.”

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The Cleveland Browns beat the Buffalo Bills 6-3. 6-3? Apparently it was so cold a hockey game broke out.

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White House Communication director Anita Dunn called Fox News, “a vehicle for Republican Party propaganda.” The station angrily denied the accusation – they prefer to think of the Republican Party as a vehicle for Fox News propaganda.

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A few Saturday thoughts…

October 10, 2009

Memphis is appealing the NCAA’s decision to strip all the university’s basketball wins in 2007-08 because their star player faked an SAT test. Yes, heaven forbid the one academic year that Derrick Rose spent at Memphis before he left for the NBA be tainted.

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NASA says its moon bombing was a success. Said Dick Cheney – “An unprovoked, successful missile strike – where do I sign up?”

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Unfortunately for Colorado fans, the Phillies-Rockies game was postponed by snow. Unfortunately for St Louis fans, the Dodgers-Cardinal game wasn’t.
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President Obama just took home the Nobel Peace Prize. Considering the ratings jump David Letterman is getting from all his mea culpas about sleeping with staffers, can we say he is taking home the “Piece Prize?”

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The moon and other flights..

October 9, 2009

The Swiss denied bail for Roman Polanski, saying that they believe he is a flight risk. Wow, what was their first clue?
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NASA has sent a rocket basically to bomb the moon. They say it’s to detect the presence of ice. But the real reason? Once we bomb the moon, NASA hopes the government will be willing to spend billions of dollars there.

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On her Facebook page, Sarah Palin told President Obama that now is not the time for “second thoughts” about Afghanistan. And if anyone’s an expert on “second thoughts,” it’s the woman who served over half of her term as Governor.

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Oops. Five Somali pirates were captured by the French navy, after they attempted to storm the French navy’s 18,000 ton flagship in the Indian Ocean. (They had apparently mistaken it for a private cargo vessel.) This is the worst Pirates performance since Pittsburgh wrapped up their 2009 MLB season.

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Some conservatives are criticizing Mary Cheney for having a second child with her partner of almost 20 years. They claim, (for two printable examples) that the lesbian partnership is unnatural or that the child should have a father around. Anyone want to lay odds on this new baby growing up more or less well-adjusted, than say, the child of an unwed teenager mother whose teenage father is posing nude in Playgirl?

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Despite reports in Forbes magazine, Tiger Woods said he is not a billionaire. Guess he had a 401k too.

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Apparently the “pecking order” for scheduling major league baseball games is now something like this. If the Yankees are in the playoffs, their game will always be played in prime time. If the Yankees are out or have an off-day, the prime slots go to the Red Sox, then the Cubs (well, not this year), and then probably the Los Angeles Dodgers.

So kids who want to see a World Series played during the day sometime, keep rooting for something like Twins-Rockies.

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If the SF Giants had somehow managed to make the playoffs, local fans could probably count on the games at 11a.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: After Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games, residents swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night. When asked why they were so excited about the Olympics, the most common response; “What Olympics?”

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An upfront kind of guy…?

October 8, 2009

I have been advised by friends that visual thinkers should skip the first jokes.

To help his career and improve his image, apparently Levi Johnston has decided to pose nude for Playgirl. Thank goodness David Letterman has chosen a different “bare-all’ strategy.

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Apparently in Dallas, police are looking for a pudgy 6 foot tall man who covers his face, sneaks into backyards, dances around naked, and then runs away.

A spokeperson said police want to catch him “before it escalates into something worse.”

A large pudgy man dancing around in your backyard naked? Can most people imagine it getting worse?

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Or, in Dallas, police are looking for a pudge 6 foot tall man who dances around naked in strangers’ backyards with his face covered. Guess Tom Delay misses “Dancing with the Stars” more than we thought.

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Napa police are still trying to decide whether or not to charge Raiders coach Tom Cable with felony assault after he allegedly broke assistant coach Randy Hanson’s jaw in an altercation during a meeting this summer.
Maybe they can’t believe that anyone with the Raiders could actually deliver that big a hit.

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Although seriously, if a boss in any other industry broke an employee’s jaw at work, do you think there would be any question about charges? (Well, unless maybe it was Dick Cheney while he was cleaning his pellet gun.)

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After a questionable excessive-celebration penalty contributed to Georgia’s loss last weekend against LSU, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said there was no reason to have a “public hanging” when officials make bad calls. Unless, of course, it’s during a BCS bowl game.

(In which case the most appropriate place for the scaffold might be the 50 yard line)

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A Cardinals error with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th led to a Dodgers victory. In college football, Nebraska scored four unanswered touchdowns in the 4th quarter for a come-from-behind 27-12 win over Mizzou. Guess tonight with Sportscenter, Missouri is the “Please Don’t Show-Me State.”

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It’s not over….

October 6, 2009

How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times.

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Some FSU boosters want Bobby Bowden, 79 to resign. But the school’s athletic director said the coach will not “step down.” At this point, the fall could kill him.

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Joe Paterno, 82 when asked if he thought Bowden should stay on, reportedly replied, “Why not, he’ll only get better with experience.

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Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee. Yeah, but when you’re in a hurry it will still take the person in front of you ten minutes to decide which flavor to buy.

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A Canadian man shot his handgun into a television, and was sentenced to counseling. He was also ordered as a term of his probation to never, EVER, watch a Maple Leafs game.

(for any Canadian readers, feel free to substitute Argonauts. Although as Canadian readers may also know, the answer to the question of “What’s the difference between the Argonauts and the Leafs is currently – the Argos have actually won three games.)
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Now that Rio has been awarded the 2012 Olympics, some IOC members are worried about the large number of prostitutes in the city. But unlike the IOC, the prostitutes are upfront about their price and do generally offer value for money.
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Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however, be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football without a left tackle.

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One problem with Major League Baseball playoffs, most kids, especially on the east coast, can’t stay up late on weeknights for the usually ridiculously late games. Now, this years’ division series’ will have only two of the four matchups scheduled on Saturday – the Los Angeles Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals (at 607p eastern,) and the Philadelphia Phillies at the Colorado Rockies. And for all those junior Phillies fans…the start time – 937p eastern. I can hear it now “Mommy, can I stay up and watch the national anthem?”

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Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle, for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had to force himself to move to the left.

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Packers “Malled at America” field…

October 6, 2009

A British girl tried to sell her grandmother on Ebay. Unbelievable. Who would think a kid would try to sell grandma? One of their parents, maybe.

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For years the Packers’ line has done a great job of giving Brett Favre time to throw the football. Unfortunately for Green Bay, they did the same thing tonight.

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When asked about the game, Favre said he wanted to give all the credit to his offensive line. Then he said, no, I want to give credit to my receivers and great running backs. Then he said, he felt the win belonged to the coaching staff. Then, that the credit really should go to the fans….

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Actually both Favre and Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers had good nights, although Rodgers was sacked eight times. Hard not to believe, if the Vikings had drafted Rodgers, and Favre had stayed with the Packers, that Minnesota wouldn’t have still won.

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Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre is doing so well at the age of nearly 40. He played 16 years at Lambeau Field. Ice always has been a great preservative for fossils.

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Or, tackier version. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre, who turns 40 on Saturday, is in such great shape. He played 16 years on the “frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.” Maybe there is something to this cyrogenics stuff.

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James Carville said Glenn Beck was “out-and-out-nuts” and a “blatant hypocrite” for claiming to be pro-American but still celebrating Obama’s “failure” to bring the Olympics to the U.S.

Carville added “Beck wouldn’t know the difference between a football, a bat and a hockey court.”

To which Glenn Beck alllegedly responded. “Right, like Carville’s ever sat through all nine innings of a hockey game in his life.
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This last from the very funny Jerry Perisho, on the news that Yankee Stadium is set to host a college football bowl game – “Extra points kicked to the east should clear the parking lot.”

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About that Louvre Pyramid…

October 4, 2009

McDonald’s is opening a branch at the Louvre. Yes, in Paris.

Guess that pyramid out front is not a food pyramid

Rumor has it that many of the French are fried.

Will McDonald’s Louvre slogan be “McNifique?”

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Some criticize Obama for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for the Olympics, but hey, it’s not like a few hours last week would have changed anything on healthcare. Now, trying to have a relationship discussion with a sports fan partner tonight in Minnesota or Wisconson…THAT would be stupid

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Alex Rodriguez drove in seven runs in the Yankees regular season finale. Putting him on pace for an October total of eight.
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Todd Palin has resigned his job. Most Americans are shocked. They didn’t realize he had one.

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Great news in Cincinnati. The 3-1 Bengals have more wins than arrests.

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Terrell Owens says he is in a “no-win” situation in Buffalo. Wonder how long it is until T.O. realizes he IS a no-win situation.

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The Washington Redskins’ first three opponents in October. The Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Chiefs, currently with ZERO wins between them. A schedule like that might not even get you BCS consideration.

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Even Boise State is saying “Way to schedule those creampuffs.”

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Headline? “New Orleans Saints turn high-flying Jets into Jets Blue.”

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Was trying to come up with a punchline on this one, think my buddy Jim Barach has the “topper.”

A book says that Ted Williams’ frozen head was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. Apparently the technicians went so far as to put a frozen Yankees hat on it.

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Slouching towards the bowl season…

October 4, 2009

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After a 42-3 loss to Oregon last Saturday, Cal just got booed off the field at halftime en route to a 30-3 loss against USC. In Berkeley. This is shaping up to be the worst week for weenies since the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into that house.

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When asked if his team was too one-dimensional, Cal Coach Jeff Tedford said:

“We were zero dimensional. We couldn’t run the ball and we couldn’t throw it.”

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Meanwhile, in South Bend, the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown. Which means they had the worst performance close to a goal, since, well, the last session of Congress.

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This is the very tacky version of the above joke: the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown.

Or as Monica Lewinsky said about her next boyfriend after Bill Clinton. “Close, but no cigar.”

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A fossilized T-Rex failed to sell at auction in Las Vegas today when bidders failed to meet the $6 million minimum price. So the highest price paid for a dinosaur remains the $25 million the Vikings gave Brett Favre.

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While I have some sympathy for teams like Boise State trying to get into the BCS championship game with a perfect record from a lower-level conference, well, suffice to say I do lose a little sympathy when they schedule opponents like UC Davis. What, was Slippery Rock not available?

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The San Diego Padres fired GM Kevin Towers, who says new CEO Jeff Moorad “never really told me exactly the reason why.” Well, let’s see, an overall postseason record of 12–22; iincluding 10 of 11 since they won the pennant in 1998. And two really lousy seasons in a row…

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Amateur hour

October 2, 2009

Should we be surprised Chicago lost the Olympics? The city has a long and rich tradition of scandal, corruption and bribery. Put it down to the IOC’s professional jealousy ·

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I’ll refrain from making Cubs jokes about Chicago not getting the Olympics, because it’s too easy to say that the Cubbies already fulfill the city’s desire for top notch amateur athletics. And besides, the White Sox count too.

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When the extortion story broke, some comedy writers say they were disappointed in David Letterman. Most, however, were just relieved to hear some comedian other than Lisa Lampanelli has been having sex.

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So far, while he is the brunt of jokes, David Letterman seems to be weathering the sex scandal, in fact, his ratings have even gone up. In related news, the Late Show just received a guest host application from Bill Clinton.

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Apparently attendance for Major League Baseball has been down about seven percent in 2009.

“The way the economy’s going, a family of four comes to the ballpark and how much is a hot dog, a Coke, a drink for the parents?” Giants pitcher Brad Penny said. “That adds up.”

Interesting words from a guy who would like to return to San Francisco, if they can meet his $20 million or so price tag, Hey, a guy’s got to feed HIS family.

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San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Barry Zito had ten, count ’em, ten, outings this year when the offense didn’t score when he was on the mound. With that little scoring he’s become the poster pitcher for Trekkies.

Many Americans just don’t get the little nuances of hockey: It was announced Rob Blake will wear the ‘C’ as captain of the Sharks. Many San Jose fans thought the ‘C’ stood for their grade in the playoffs.’’

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Little rant of the night. Propel vitamin water now comes in a nice six-pack of 16.9 ounce bottles. The package proudly proclaims – “Only 10 calories per serving.” What’s a serving? Half a bottle.

(Okay, I understand when a half cup of ice cream has 300 calories, that you might want to pretend nobody ever eats the whole pint. But fudging when it’s the difference between 10 and 20 calories? Really??)

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Finally, a bad pun alert, from R.J. Currie:

After the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Delonte West this week suggested his recent arrest on gun charges is not a big deal: “Really? He was found carrying a 9mm handgun, a .357 Magnum, and an 870 shotgun. If convicted, where will Cleveland find another player of his caliber.’’

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Football and other follies

October 1, 2009

Who’d a thunk it, College Football Division. At 1230p on Saturday in Palo Alto, Stanford and UCLA meet for the Pac 10 lead. Meanwhile, at 5pm, Cal and USC play in the “Over-Rated Bowl.”

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One of the reasons BCS officials give against having a college football playoff system, is that the extra one or two games would be rough on the schedules of student-athletes. Meanwhile, in ESPN’s nationally televised Wednesday night college game, Louisiana Tech beat Hawaii 27-6, and in the Thursday night game, West Virginia knocked off Colorado 35-24.

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A fossil hominid (pre-human) skeleton found in Africa is apparently over 4 million years old and pre-dates Lucy. No confirmation on the rumor it was found wearing a Brett Favre jersey.

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Okay, this is tacky. But I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top Ten list?

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So Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, has pulled the plug for now on filming his children for the reality TV series. He couldn’t have thought of this sooner, like in 2007 before the show started?

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You cannot make this stuff up department:

Last year, Binghamton University earned a trip to March Madness. This year, before the season even has started, within a 48 hour period, six players were suspended from the team. And the school’s athletic director rhetorically asked “who’s running the zoo?”

The response, in a letter to the editor from Amanda J. Padwa, the Binghamton Zoo’s business manager.

“Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn’t have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won’t find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.”

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And in case anyone thinks that modern day sports is getting too overblown and out-of-hand, consider this quote from Bobby Dodd, one of college football’s most successful coaches at Georgia Tech during the 1950’s and early 1960s.

‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’

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Referees and rogues.

September 30, 2009

The NBA plans to open the preseason tomorrow with replacement referees. The players are appalled, what if the inexperienced refs do something drastically different – like call travelling.

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The newest college football bowl game, starting in 2010, will be the Yankee Bowl, at Yankee Stadium. Fans interested in tickets are encouraged to start taking out loans now.

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The Yankee Bowl will be the 35th in the Football Bowl Subvision (aka D1), which means that 70 out of 120 Division 1 teams will see post season action. Who does the NCAA think they are – the NBA?

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The Yankee Bowl may also have a parade. If so, a front-runner for the grandmarshall’s job has to be Alex Rodriguez. Since the grand marshall’s role is generally the same as A-Rod’s in the postseason – doing absolutely nothing.

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The tabloids are full of the rumors that Khloe Karadashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom may have been a fake. When asked, 20 percent of Americans said they believed it was real, 20 percent said it was a sham, and 60 percent said “Who the heck is Khloe Kardashian?”

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Sarah Palin finished writing her book – “Going Rogue” -ahead of schedule, and it will be released November 17. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is working on his own book. And he is almost finished with page 300. Of the first chapter.

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Sarah Palin’s book, before publication, is already number one on Amazon.com’s list. In fact, the book is selling so well that the Kennedy family is thinking of subtitling Ted’s posthumous memoir “Going Brogue.”

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Sarah Palin’s book is already number one on Amazon.com’s sales list. Of course, many of these books are no doubt being purchased as giveaways to be used for political propaganda. By the Democrats.

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Palin’s part of the book is finished, now apparently the publisher is rushing to do the final editing, including fact checking. Why start now?

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University of New Mexico administrators are investigating a fight where football coach Mike Locksley allegedly struck an assistant. The coach could be suspended or fined. Or worse yet, he could be sentenced to coach the Oakland Raiders.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. Of course, the number one sport at the University of Chicago? Chess.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. And if there’s any University where they should really know sports….. oh, never mind.

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Great comment from Alex Kaseberg. “Wow, can you imagine where Michael Vick would be if he hadn’t played football.”

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A recent study showed a higher incidence of dementia among men who played NFL football. Presumably one of the first clues was “signing with the Oakland Raiders.”

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Out of the mouths of idiots? On the new Jay Leno show during the “Battle of the Jaywalk All Stars, Leno asked “Who elects the president?” One gal answered “Florida.”

Commie pinko alert:

Ted Kennedy would be appalled at all of this bad behavior, but really, what’s the difference between “die quickly” and “death panels?

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Top ten reasons Meg Whitman didn’t vote in the past.

September 29, 2009

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has admitted to at best infrequent voting in the past. In fact, she didn’t register as a Republican until 2007. According to the Sacramento Bee, who reviewed her voting record, she not only didn’t regularly vote in six states, she didn’t even register in most of them.

Her most recent excuse, after pointing out that Sonny Bono didn’t vote regularly before he was elected, is that she was busy with her career, her husband’s career, and her family.

Just for the heck of it, here’s ten more possible reasons:

(And before anyone puts this down to commie pinko tendencies….you haven’t read my Gavin Newsom and Jerry Brown jokes.)

10. The dog ate my absentee ballot.

9. Moved so often I forget what state I was in.

8. Election day fell on the same day the Ebay auction closed for Governor Sarah Palin’s jet.

7. Same as Steve Martin with his taxes – “I FORGOT.”

6. Too involved with business classes in school to have read about the 19th amendment.

5. Voting? Wasn’t that covered under leaving Ebay feedback?

4. Too busy working on perfecting my Sonny Bono lookalike haircut.

3. As Ebay’s Supreme Ruler didn’t have time for a meaningless democracy (contributed by Jerry Perisho)

2. Wanted to appeal to all those other Californians who never vote in elections. Oops.

And of course the true number one reason:

1. Never thought I would run for Governor.

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NFL and other follies.

September 29, 2009

A good thing for Tony Romo finally had a decent game, at this point Cowboys fans were about to blame him for distracting Jessica Simpson.

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Jets coach Rex Ryan benched wide receiver David Clowney for week three after his twitter gripes about playing time after week two. Said Ryan “If I feel a guy is not putting the team first,” Ryan said, “I’ll make that decision to put the guy down.” I think we can safely knock the Jets off the list for the next stop on T.O.s NFL tour.

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The Detroit Lions finally won a game on Sunday, so the 1976-77 Tampa Bay Bucs’ 26 game record losing streak remains the longest in NFL history. The 1972 Miami Dolphins always crack open a bottle of champagne when some team who has threatened their record loses. So what did the Bucs do – twist open a wine cooler?

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Former President Clinton says there is still a right wing conspiracy and it is still virulent. Former President George W. Bush is still trying to figure out what virulent means.

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President Obama has decided to head to Copenhagen for a few hours to lobby for bringing the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. And while some may criticize him, who better understands over-hyped, over-expensive and overly-media oriented productions than a man who’s been dealing with Congress?

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Apparently President Clinton offered to go in Obama’s stead. At least until he heard that the IOC was almost exclusively male and all over 70.

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finally from my twisted friend Melodi –

The 40-something-year old victim of 76-year-old Roman Polanski pleas for mercy toward Polanski because he wouldn’t do it again… Didn’t she mean couldn’t?
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Dinosaurs Alive.

September 27, 2009

Stunners in the NFL: Brett Favre throws a last second touchdown pass for a Vikings win over the 49ers, and the Lions finally get a win, against the Redskins. In related news, Washington has just offered an immediate quarterback contract to Joe Theismann.

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Jim Riggleman, the interim manager of the 52-102 Washington Nationals said “We’re not the worst team in baseball.” He also predicted Barack Obama would someday be nominated to the Pro Bowlers Hall of Fame.

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How bad is it in our nation’s capital? The Nationals have the worst record in baseball, the Redskins just lost to the Lions, and the Wizards had one of the worst records, again, in the NBA last season. At this point the only way Washington gets a winning team in town is when Obama invites one to the White House.

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A man who snuck into the grizzly bear exhibit at San Francisco Zoo was somehow was rescued without any harm to him, or the grizzlies. Just as well the zoo got him out, any savings in the cost of feeding the bears this week would have been offset by the inevitable lawsuits.

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The CBS 5 Sunday night news referred to the man’s climbing into the bear enclosure as “A stunt that defied logic.” As opposed to climbing into a bear enclosure using logic?

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Today’s new Coaches Top 25 College Football poll has Cal ranked 19th, Oregon 25th. (Oregon just beat Cal 42-3.) Who’s overseeing this poll – President John McCain?
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The remake of the musicial “Fame” had a disappointing opening weekend at the box office. MGM/UA estimated the audience was almost 80 percent female. But the studio was cheered by the positive audience reviews from both straight men.

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Marriage and other games.

September 25, 2009

Former President Clinton says he has changed his mind, and now supports gay marriage. Of course, Bill has a history of changing his mind on marriage – starting with that “forsaking all others” stuff.

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The Chicago Cubs, favored to contend for the NL title, have long been out of the playoff hunt But really, what’s the difference between the 2009 Cubs and the 2008 team that won 97 games? About a week.

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The punchless San Francisco Giants, however, were shut out by the Cubs 3-0 on Friday night, in a game that took only 1 hour and 56 minutes. The game summary, “Nasty, brutal, but mercifully short.”

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Actually, the Giants hitting this year is often of mythical proportions. Mythical as in few people have ever really seen it.

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The Nationals, now officially losers of 100 games, have announced they will lower ticket prices in 2010. This might be a first in Washington. Incompetent results, and the public will end up paying less because of it.

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Tears for Lebron: On an episode of the Jay Leno Show, Leno asked Lebron James the last time he cried at a movie. Lebron answered with a plug for his new movie. A more honest answer might have been “Game tapes from the 2007 NBA Finals.”

(the San Antonio Spurs swept the the Cleveland Cavaliers in 4 games.)

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Politics and other dreams…

September 25, 2009

As much as I might try to write funny stuff, it’s hard to top Carly Fiorina’s new website – .
http://www.carlyforcalifornia.com Seriously. Even Sarah Palin commented “What was she THINKING?”

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The ironic thing, Fiorina was the president of HP. Her website does for technology what Chrysler did for cars.

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“Carlyfornia dreamin!!!? I guess Fiorinashe was listening to Arnold and tried to spell it phonetically

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Also in California, Meg Whitman, running for governor, has already started HER radio ads. Which curiously enough don’t mention if she is a Democrat or Republican. To be fair, Whitman has voted so infrequently, maybe she can’t remember.

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After comparing George W. Bush to the devil in 2006, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, said in a U.N. speech Thursday said, “It doesn’t smell like sulfur anymore.” Yeah, apparently staff disinfected the chambers after the speech from Gadhafi.

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American Idol season one runner-up Justin Guarini is getting married, then returning to the studio to record his third CD. Idol fans were surprised by the news – Guarini recorded a second CD?

A radio advertisement hails Stanford Football as “the hardest working team in the Pac 10.” That just means they go to class.

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Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks has broken his own record by striking out 205 times this season. 205 strikeouts? That’s more than a pair of horny frat boys at an LPGA event.

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I’m thinking of starting a Facebook Group. Who needs Michael Crabtree? Let’s see. The 49ers are 2-0, the sulky wide-receiver is still holding out. Personally I’d like to see them commit to making the playoffs without him. Then put half the bonus they were going to give him towards next year’s number one pick. And give the rest to charity. Talk about a way to become America’s team.

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A few midweek thoughts…

September 24, 2009

After being suspended for the rest of the season earlier this week, Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley apologized and said “I chose Chicago as a free agent because I wanted to be part of bringing a championship to the Cubs’ fans. ” That’s it, no more free agent signings in Chicago before sanity tests.

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by the way, this week’s posts so far written with a bad cold…. so apologies to any readers who think I have lost it. Of course, some may think I have never found it.
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The Nationals are, as of tonight, sitting on 99 losses, and almost certainly heading for their 100th. A record of futility unmatched in Washington, except maybe by Congress.

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How hopeless are the Nationals? Instead of asking Barack Obama to throw out next year’s first pitch, they are deciding between Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader.

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Also in Washington, a group of American Indians is asking the Supreme Court to declare that with their name, the Redskins defame Native Americans. If they are successful, PETA may ask the court to declare that the Bengals and Lions defame felines.

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After an IVF clinic made a mistake, an Ohio woman is giving birth to another couple’s biological child. And somewhere John Edwards is thinking, “Okay, I’m a good enough lawyer to somehow use that excuse….”

Commie pinko time…
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Another question for the tea-party/tea bagger types. Where’s all the outrage about taxpayer money going to fund NFL stadiums, and then the teams involved refusing to lift television blackout rules during the recession?

For that matter, while a lot of the tea-baggers are furious about the thought that lax oversight of any potential new health care reform laws might mean illegal immigrants get access to health insurance – where’s that same outrage about lax oversight of laws meaning those same illegals might get easy access to guns?

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In Sarah Palin’s Hong Kong speech, she told investors “I’m going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A.” Once again showing Walt’s genius in having Main Street lead directly to Fantasyland.

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Seasons changing…

September 23, 2009

Today was the first day of autumn, and all around the country you can see the signs. In Chicago, fans are just starting to roll out their “Cubs World Series champs 2010′ t-shirts.

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The NBA plans to start the season with replacement referees. The players association is against the idea. If the refs aren’t experienced, how will they know who never to call fouls on?

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Zack Greinke has 15 wins for the Royals. Who knew? The Royals have 15 wins?

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Actually, the Kansas City Royals, once on pace for losing 100 games easily, are 12-3. This is the baseball equivalent of George W. Bush deciding to read books during his last weeks in office.

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A Russian billionaire wants to buy the New Jersey Nets. If the deal is approved it would be the first NBA team with foreign ownership. I guess Mark Cuban’s home planet doesn’t count.

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Glenn Beck told Katie Couric. “I think John McCain would have been worse for the country than Barack Obama.” Say what? Well, I suppose it makes sense in one way, with McCain as President, Glenn Beck wouldn’t have a show.

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Ron Artest said that fans can blame him if the Lakers don’t repeat this year. He himself, however, will stick to blaming his teammates.

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Georgetown’s baseball team was put on three years probation because some of their players were overpaid for work-study programs. Other unnamed Division 1 athletic programs were astounded, Georgetown players actually had to work to be paid?

From Bill Littlejohn, last year’s joke, but as mentioned yesterday, Pete Carroll’s Trojans have once again been knocked out of the BCS championship by their annual inexplicable loss to a mediocre-at-best Pac 10 team. “If Pete Carroll were president during the Cold War, I wouldn’t have worried about the Soviet Union – I’d have worried about Liechtenstein.'”

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Monday thoughts.

September 21, 2009

As San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy and Carney Lansford keep insisting that they are trying to teach the their team plate discipline, one thought comes to mind. If Mike Singletary coached the Giants and told them not to swing at the first pitch, they wouldn’t do it more than once.

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Amazing thought, with the 49ers at 2-0, the best professional football team in California at the end of September this year will not be the USC Trojans.

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So this year Washington, last year Oregon State, then in 2006 Stanford. Sounds like the Trojans game plan is “Underachieve Some Conference” games.

As much as I would like to see a BCS playoff, I must say that I hate the thought of giving Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans a second chance every year at the national title, after their annual mail-it-in loss to some mediocre or worse Pac 10 team.

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To push his healthcare plan, President Obama appeared last weekend on all five Sunday morning talkshows. Talk about overexposure – who does he think he is, Peyton Manning?

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The Houston Astros, 70-79 and long eliminated from playoff contention, fired their manager with 13 games left in the season. Talk about locking the barn door after the horse has not only bolted, but also run 20 miles down the road into the next county.

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Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman, a lefthander with a 102 mph fastball, has established residency in Andorra while he files for free agency. Apparently he really plans to live in the tiny country, while he is not playing for the Yankees or Red Sox.

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