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Football and other games.

September 21, 2009

Brett Favre led the Minnesota Vikings over the apparently still woeful Detroit Lions. Proving once again that “Age and treachery can overcome youth and lack of skill.”

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The Dallas Cowboys pronounced the opening game at their new stadium almost a success. It would have been a complete success had the Giants’ game winning field goal clanged off the scoreboard.

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Former President Bill Clinton will come out to California to campaign for San Francisco Mayer Gavin Newsom, who is running for Governor. Should we be surprised? Lets see, Newsom got caught in a high profile sex scandal, with his best friend’s wife no less, and then ended up marrying a beautiful blond actress. Rumor has it Clinton refers to him as “my hero.”

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Cuba has announced they want to become an eco-tourist destination. Does that mean they will want travellers to start arriving as well as departing on rafts?

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Whatever else you can accuse the “Tea Baggers” of, at least no one can say they spent too much time with their heads in history books. Since the Boston Tea Party was about taxation without representation. Since their primary issue is to be anti-healthcare, aren’t they complaining about too much representation?

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You do wonder, with the “Tea Baggers” anti-government attitude, does that mean they won’t sue if their bus crashes due to hitting an unfilled pothole on an interstate highway?
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Jon Stewart won two Emmy’s Sunday night for the Daily Show. Hope he remembered to thank the people who made this possible – Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, Mark Sanford…..

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Liars and losers…

September 20, 2009

The Joe Wilson episode was shocking, the first time a member of Congress has yelled “You lie” at a sitting president. (Hillary doesn’t count, she wasn’t elected then.)
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Apparently President Obama wants New York Governor David Paterson not even to compete in the 2010 gubernatorial 2010 election because he is facing almost certain defeat. Paterson’s alleged response “Well, that hasn’t stopped the Mets.”

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This is tacky, but what the heck…

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and his wife Jennifer named their newborn daughter Montana, after the ranch Jennifer’s family owns in the state. Good thing that property wasn’t over the state line. It could be a little awkward campaigning in Oakland with a daughter named “Idaho.”

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Apparently during the recent Los Angeles area wildfire, a large number of marijuana plantations went up in smoke. Which may explain the record month’s sales at 7-11 and Krispy Kreme.

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Over 20,000 people showed up to see the 67-82 Padres take on the 56-90 Pirates. Which means there really isn’t much to do in Pittsburgh on a Saturday afternoon.

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Staggering into the weekend,

September 19, 2009

After a North Carolina resident had been having health problems for two years, doctors discovered and removed a plastic spoon with a Wendy’s logo from his lung.

The man is recovering. But from the restaurant chain’s perspective, if someone can’t tell your food from plastic, maybe you should rethink your recipes.

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With Donovan McNabb injured, and Michael Vick unavailable until week three, the Philadelphia Eagles will be choosing between Kevin Kolb, who has never started a game, and recently signed Jeff Garcia at quarterback.

No word on what Vick responded when asked for his opinion as to who should start. But I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t “I don’t have a dog in this fight.”

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A New York plumber streaked during a Mets game in May, wearing only a stuffed monkey tied around his waist. He pled guilty and this week was fined $3,000 in penalties, given 20 days of community service and banned from Citi Field for life. Just imagine the penalties if he hadn’t gotten that monkey off his back.

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Although given the way the Mets are playing a harsher punishment might have been requiring him to attend all next year’s home games.

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The University of Minnesota is instituting a new policy: Student season-ticket holders who get kicked out of the football stadium games for drunk and rowdy behavior, will have to pass a breath test each time they want to attend future games.

In Detroit, they are hoping this doesn’t catch on – It could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment to have to watch Lions games sober.

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Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle in Maryland while carrying two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case.

Three guns on a motorbike the freeway? Maybe he was working on his outside shot?

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True “great moments in heckling” story as told by Craig Coombs,

With the A’s leading the Indians 5-2 in the 8th, there were only a few thousand fans left in Oakland’s stadium Thursday night. The place was pretty quiet.

The home plate umpire, however, made two bad pitch calls in a row when the A’s were batting.

There were a few scattered boos, then a woman with a loud, gravely voice, yelled out:

“Hey, Blue! Does your wife know you’re screwing us?”

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Dinosaurs, etc.

September 18, 2009

For some reason best known only to themselves, CNN is running an online poll asking readers to name their favorite dinosaur. So far T-Rex is beating out a host of challengers, ranging from the New York Times to Brett Favre.

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New York anchorman Ernie Anastos has become infamous for his on-air flub of the phrase – “Keep plucking that chicken.” He just wishes plolks would fease stop making such a pluss about it.

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Lebron James will portray himself in an upcoming movie about basketball. Of course, based on his refusal to talk to the media or shake hands with Orlando players after the Magic eliminated the Cavs, Lebron already has acting experience…in acting like a baby.

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Federal prosecutors are urging a federal appellate court to reverse a trial judge’s ruling so they can present evidence they say shows Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids.

We don’t have money to spend on national healthcare, but the government can spend millions in hopes of proving a player that has been out of baseball for two years did the same thing at least 104 other players tested positive for doing. Is this a great country or what?

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An American Airlines flight made an emergency landing after a note was found saying there was a bomb on board. Turns out it was only a disgruntled passenger who had paid $5 to watch “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”

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And in the surreal world of reality television, another Kate, this time yet one more alleged recent ex-lover, has come forward to say she “despises” Jon Gosselin. At this point, stay tuned for the sequel of “Jon plus 8 – ex-girlfriends.”

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Newlyweds and nearly-deads

September 16, 2009

George Takei and his partner Brad Altman, who were married last year, will be the first gay couple on “The Newlywed Game.” Good to see them “boldly go where no men have gone before.

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A Phillies fan became a national celebrity after he handed his 3 year old daughter a foul ball and she threw away. Who knew the girl wanted to play for the Pirates?
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A new study indicates that 50 year olds who suffer from chronic pain feel like they are 80 years old. Which means the most geriatic folks in the country probably have season tickets at Wrigley Field.

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Critics are complaining that the new Leno show is just like his old Tonight show. And their point is?

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Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay injured his foot during rehearsal for “Dancing with the Stars.” Apparently, whatever his partner suggested, Delay kept moving to the right.

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This year’s U.S. Open will be remembered in part because of all the pictures of a child running around the court. And besides Serena Williams, Kim Clijster’s daughter was also pretty cute.
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Former Laugh-In star Henry Gibson died today at the age of 73. Funeral services are pending but will no doubt feature large flowers, and “A poem, by Henry Gibson.”

from Bill Littlejohn, after tests indicated that a world-class athlete is both male and female: “Are they talking about Caster Semenya or Manny Ramirez?”

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Watching him dance with “Baby”, we had the time of our life

September 15, 2009

R.I.P Patrick Swayze. Even if heaven is full of sexy, classy men, no one will put him in a corner

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Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Serena Williams. Good thing the founding fathers aren’t around to tweak the Bill of Rights. They might rethink that “freedom of speech” thing.

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The Iraqi man who threw a shoe at President Bush has been released from prison. One of his potential next moves? Recording a CD titled “Sole Man.”

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The Iraqi shoe-thrower said he was tortured in prison. What did his captors do? Make him listen to Biden speeches?

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Despite all the supposedly enhanced long-balls during the “Steroid Era”, the season Home Run record has already been broken this year at Yankee Stadium. Proving performance enhancing drugs are no match for stupid stadium construction.

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Sarah Palin’s speech to an investor’s group in Hong Kong will be closed to the media. But the former governor says she isn’t ducking journalists, in fact, she promises to have a printed transcript made of her remarks both in English and Hong Kong-ese.

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NFL week one etc.

September 14, 2009

Cincinnati lost to the Denver Broncos on an 87 yard last second tipped pass, a play that was aided by defensive mistakes. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bengals in recent memory. Well, without the police being involved.

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How bad was Quarterback Jay Cutler’s play in the Bears opening day loss to the Packers. By the fourth quarter Chicago fans were calling for the return of Rex Grossman.

Drew Brees threw six touchdown passes on Sunday, which tied the Saints’ single game record. No word on if because it was against the Lions the record will have an asterisk.

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The Green Bay media is praising Aaron Rodgers for a great season-opener, including his last minute drive to lead the Packers over the Bears. But to be fair and give credit where credit is due, they do say the Vikings seem to have a good running game.

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The Lions extended their regular season losing streak to 18 games. There went Detroit’s early hopes of cracking the AP College Football top 25.

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C.C. Sabathia won his 17th for the Yankees, 13-3 over the Orioles. The offensive outburst came without much help from A-Rod, who was on the bench after being ejected in the fourth. Well, that’s one way to get some practice for the playoffs.
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After their upset of Oklahama State, the Houston Cougars are in college football’s top 25 for the first time since 1991. To give you an idea how long ago that was, Brett Favre was just contemplating his first retirement.

Barack Obama condemned Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s MTV award acceptance.. But the President intends to give Kanye a chance to redeem himself; in fact he has invited the rapper to attend Joe Biden’s next speech.

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September might be a harsh reality check for Obama, as he realizes the limits of his power in Washington. Oh, he will probably get health care passed. But there is nothing he will be able to do about the Redskins.
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Serena Williams ending up forfeiting match point after a profanity-laced tirade in her U.S. Open semi-final. So much for all those who say the women would never catch up to the men’s game.
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Serena Williams’ over-the-top outburst at the U.S. Open, will cost her at least a $10,000 fine. Had she just yelled “You lie,” she might have offset that fine with contributions from Republicans.

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Sunday pun-day

September 13, 2009

Okay, anyone who doesn’t like puns stop reading now. And anyone who is easily offended don’t read the last joke.

While many of the headlines about the Serena Williams – Kim Clijsters match focus on Serena’s meltdown, how about the fact that Kim is playing with her toddler daughter in tow.

My headline idea – “Mum’s the word.”

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And after the Oklahoma State Cowboys were upset by the Houston Cougars… how many headlines in Oklahoma will read.

“Houston – we had a problem?”

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After freshman QB Tate Forcier led the Michigan Wolverines over Notre Dame.

“May the Forcier be with you”

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Or “Wolverines Forcier their way past Fighting Irish.”

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Brett Favre was voted one of the Minnesota Vikings’ five team captains. No confirmation on the rumor that Favre was chosen in a plea-bargain that meant the team didn’t have to wait for Brett to vote on his own choice.

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One person who won’t be invited to the last game of the year at Wrigley Field – South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson. The Cubs don’t want him anywhere around when they thank their fans for coming, and then tell them, “Wait until next year.”

San Francisco Giants fans have been hoping for months that their hitting would catch up to their pitching. Unfortunately, after 10-3 and 9-1 losses to the Dodgers, it appears to have happened the other way around.

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Richard Seymour, who has been AWOL for five days since being traded from New England, now says he’s “excited” to join Oakland. The Raiders professed themselves happy to have him, once he has an examination to check for any possible head injury.

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Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell dropped the “f bomb” in an interview. In some ways the GOP has to be relieved. It’s the first time this year the word was part of a news story with a Republican – where it wasn’t used as a verb.
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Conspiracy is no match for stupidity.

September 12, 2009

Yet another example why I am not generally a conspiracy theorist. Could many conspirators have come up with a better way to nearly cause hysteria in Washington DC, than whoever in the Coast Guard approved a training exercise where their boats supposedly fired on a suspicious craft in the Potomac on September 11?

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Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, in his first year of eligibility – five years after his final retirement. Which means that Pete Rose is likely to be a Hall of Famer before Brett Favre.

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In a recent survey, one in ten British drivers admit to using Twitter while driving. The other 90 percent say it would be way too dangerous a distraction, especially while they are updating their Facebook profiles.

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It’s looking increasingly likely that the SF Giants will have something in comment with the Oakland Raiders. Neither seem destined for meaningful games in October.

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A 40 year old Ohio man has just achieved the first perfect score in the nearly thirty year history of the video game Pac-Man. His next challenge – going out on his first date.

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The NFL has decided on a compromise blackout decision for teams who cannot sell out their home games. The affected games will not be shown live, but will be shown for free after midnight. Which is not a bad idea….given past history, Raiders and Bengals games, for example, might be deemed inappropriately scary for children.

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69 year old football coach Bill Snyder of Kansas State agreed to a new five-year contract worth over $9 million. Joe Paterno called the deal “just another example of paying for youth over experience.”.

Commie pinko time again.

Three questions for the “Tea Baggers” and others against health care reform.

1. So given the probable H1N1 epidemic this fall, what would you prefer? A world in which poor and uninsured people who think they have the flu get tested and treated, even if it’s aided by taxpayer dollars? Or a world in which those same people stay away from doctors, hope for the best, and go to work or school anyway?

2. Considering the incredible public relations potential, I wonder why those who are anti-health care reform don’t trot out all the uninsured, especially those who are unemployed, who want the government to get out of the way so they can get good health insurance again in the free market.

3. For all the Republicans who say they want to reform the system, just not in the way Barack Obama has proposed, why the heck didn’t they do it when they controlled the Presidency and both Houses of Congress.

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Friday thoughts…

September 11, 2009

Wondered if jokes were appropriate on 9/11, then figured, while we may all probably spend time reflecting and remembering, there is a reason for gallows humor. We all need to laugh as much as we need to try. So here’s an attempt at some mostly tasteful, or at least not completely tasteless, jokes.

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The defending Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers opened the NFL season with a win. Leading Pittsburgh Pirates fans to hope, maybe this week they can win one too.

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The San Francisco Giants at A T and T park are hosting a production of Verdi’s “Il Trovatore” on September 19, calling it “Opera at the Ballpark.” Unfortunately, this week Giants fans may have already seen the fat lady start singing.

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NBA officials may be locked out on October 1. Which will certainly complicate things for the league – who’s going to not call travelling on Lebron James?

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Not sure if the U.S. has the stupidest politicians on earth, or just the ones who get caught more often. But one reason we know the terrorists haven’t won – Americans don’t get arrested for political jokes.

(though, yeah, I know, Dick Cheney is working on it.)
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Ellen Degeneres has now been confirmed as the fourth judge on American Idol for next season, although she knows nothing about music. In other words, she will be an English speaking version of Paula Abdul.

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Tests on Caster Semenya apparently show the South African track star has both male and female sexual characteristics. Which could be a blow to her future athletic hopes. But it could make her more likely to get a future job hosting American Idol.

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When will they EVER learn..

September 10, 2009

So Rod Blagojevich got caught offering bribes on FBI wiretaps, and Mike Duvall got caught talking about sex on a open microphone. The next generation may not produce more honest politicians, but maybe at least they will be smarter about electronics?.

For those who haven’t heard:

Republican California Assemblyman Mike Duvall, a married father of two, was caught on tape bragging about having sex with two women lobbyists. He resigned, apologizing for his “inappropriate comments.” Yo, Mike, it’s not your COMMENTS that were inappropriate.

Follow-up from Jerry Perisho – In California, having sex with 2 women will either get you canned or get you elected Governor.

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Ellen Degeneres will be the new fourth judge on American Idol, replacing Paula Abdul. I like Ellen, but if Fox is hiring her to make the show more LGBT friendly, are they worried Ryan Seacrest is leaving too?

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Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell’s campaign has been struggling because of his recently revealed statements against working women and homosexuals.. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a Republican has done lately with his pants on.

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from Bill Littlejohn:

“Melanie Oudin, who is making a Cinderella run in the U.S. Open, didn’t plan to stay past the first few days in New York, and she was forced to change hotels after 12 days. Guess she also will now longer be using Anna Kournikova’s travel agent”

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More half-baked thoughts…

September 9, 2009

Apologies to readers if these jokes are more half-baked than usual, writing this week on vacation, which means that many of them are written more half-asleep than usual.

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William Del Biaggio, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist, and former part owner of the San Jose Sharks, has been sentenced to eight years in jail for fraud relating to his attempt to buy part of another NHL team, the Nashville Predators.

Eight years in jail. For the Predators?

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Caster Semenya posed for a glamorous photo shoot in a South African magazine. Although the idea was controversial the stylists did a nice job, she looks almost as pretty as Ryan Seacrest.
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Former Patriots defensive end Richard Seymour failed to report for a second day to Oakland after being traded to the Raiders. Apparently some of it has to do with under going post-trade testing. Well, I don’t know about the physical part but as to any psychological portion of the tests, I would say not wanting to show up to play in Oakland would indicated he should pass.

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Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell’s campaign was thrown for a loop because of his recently revealed anti-women and homosexual statements. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a Republican has done lately with his pants on.

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Sarah Palin, despite having never run a company and not completing her term as governor, nonetheless was given op-ed space in the Wall St Journal.

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing something for a newsletter for mimes?

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The San Francisco Giants top prospect Madison Bumgarner was a last minute call-up for an emergency start on Tuesday night. He said later he wasn’t nervous about facing major-league hitters, he just wished more of them were on the Giants.

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Random thoughts from across the world.

September 8, 2009

In the end, Pacman Jones did not sign with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Apparently someone finally told him that the Mounties were real cops.

In President Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, he tells students that the key to success is to work hard and stay in school.

The Republican rebuttal, with an assist from reader Mark – the key to success is having rich parents who get tax cuts.

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More nastiness today from Jon Gosselin about his soon to be ex-wife, saying that he now “despises” her. The working title for the rest of the season “Jon and Kate plus Hate.”

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Sometimes, real life is weirder than any punchline or skit idea anyone can think up. Or maybe not, maybe this was an idea for a skit once. Now it is a restaurant chain in Asia. Modern Toilet. Chairs made out of toilet bowls, food served in mini-toilet bowls and urinals. The actual link is below.

http://www.moderntoilet.com.tw/en/about.asp

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Another great one from Alex Kaseberg:

There is a new video game where you pretend to play Beatles songs on fake instruments. They got the idea from the career of The Monkees.

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Labor day

September 7, 2009

The idea of celebrating Labor Day has to feel more than a little off for the millions of the Americans who are out of work. Sort of like celebrating Valentine’s Day at a Star Trek convention.

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South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he is not resigning and intends to do “what God wanted me to do with my life”. Wouldn’t that have been a good idea to start doing before he went to Argentina?

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Sign in a McDonalds in Seoul Airport. “Everyday create your most delicious happiness” Doesnt that start by not going to Mcdonalds.

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The SF Giants hit into their first triple play in 11 years. This was particularly shocking because Giants fans didn’t realize their team could put two men on base at once.

The current issue of Sports Illustrated has a little purple circle, on their COVER, containing the number four with a slash through it. Around the circle are the words “100 % Favre-Free Issue”

Well, maybe until they put that circle on the cover…

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Headline heaven

September 6, 2009

So how good is it for headline writers in the San Francisco Bay Area?

The SF Giants have just picked up a pitcher by the name of Penny.

And the Stanford Cardinal’s starting quarterback is a kid by the name of Luck…

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And former USC quarterback John David Booty was cut by the Vikings.

Which means, of course, he’s waiting for another team to give him a Booty call.

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After a disappointing 2008 season, Notre Dame won their first game of the year over Nevada, 35-0. When asked about the impressive win, coach Charlie Weis said “These guys are hungry, a lot of it has to do with hunger.” Yeah, and a lot of it has to do with playing Nevada.”

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How stocked are the SF Giants with pitching? Besides Matt Cain, a hard-luck 13 and 4 with a 2.51 ERA… by the numbers, they have three Cy Young winners (Zito, Lincecum, Johnson), one guy who threw a no-hitter (Sanchez) , and two guys who dated Alyssa Milano (Zito and Penny)

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I apologize if this offends anyone, but, too hard to resist. San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman was arrested and charged with choking his girlfriend. Which is shocking. Usually the only choking the Chargers do is on the field.

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Biblical updates..

September 5, 2009

Apparently a modernized New International Version of the Bible is due out in 2011. While the idea is to make the Bible more accessible to younger people, I am not sure how I feel about “And God changed Adam’s status to ‘in a relationship.'”

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Brett Favre is currently doing a Wrangler’s commercial, with the tag line “When I think of value, I think of Wrangler, always have.” Stand by for next week, when Favre makes his first appearance for Levis.

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Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount was suspended for the year for punching a Boise State player who taunted him after the game Thursday night. On a brighter note, he might be offered a tryout with the San Francisco Giants, who are getting desperate looking for ANYONE who can hit.

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Forbes just published a little of the world’s happiest cities. The only American city on the list. San Francisco. Let’s see, 49ers, Giants, As, Raiders, Warriors… Pretty obvious the study wasn’t co-sponsored by Sports Illustrated.

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Ohio State paid $1 million to Navy to play the Buckeyes in their season opener. It was the first meeting between the teams since 1931. And Ohio State escaped with a four point win on an interception of a potential game-tying two point conversion. The Buckeyes plan to invite the Midshipmen back again, in about another 78 years.
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Let’s see, paying $1 million almost to be embarrassed on national television. For that amount couldn’t Ohio State have come up with more of a sure thing, like playing the Detroit Lions?

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A $1 million payment to Navy to almost be embarrassed on national television. Suddenly the Pentagon looks like responsible spenders.

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So Heisman winner Sam Bradford turned down millions in the NFL this year to return to Oklahoma. He was injured in the first game of the year, will be out indefinitely, and the Sooners were upset by BYU. The happiest people outside Utah? Anyone on the 49ers involved in negotiations with Michael Crabtree.
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Republicans are up in arms over President Obama’s plan to speak to the nation’s schoolchildren Tuesday, because they feel that somehow the speech encourage the children to become Democrats. They would have far preferred Vice President Biden say a “few words,” as they feel that would have helped the children become Republicans.

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Brett Favre and other babies….

September 5, 2009

In a Walmart earlier this week, a man was accused of slapping a crying whining child. I didn’t even know Michael Crabtree shopped at Walmart.

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The Duggars family are expecting their 19th child next March. All 18 of their children have names starting with J. For the next one, may I suggest “Just-say-no.”?

Or as the very funny Alex Kaseberg suggests “Jeez-are-you-kidding?”

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Apparently all the Duggars love to watch “Jon and Kate plus Eight.” Their children are fascinated by small families.

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Brett Favre won’t play in the pre-season final game for the Vikings against the Cowboys. Which gives him time to film his latest commercial – a solo version of the Miller Lite classic “Tastes great, less filling.”

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Whatever else happens this weekend, the Vikings need to keep Favre away from the over 500 store “Mall of America.” If he goes in to look for a present for someone, he could be gone for days.

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Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3 runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal.

(heck, the two of them together might weigh less than C.C. Sabathia.)

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Although, not to take anything away from the Hall of Fame career of Pedro Martinez, but surely any great pitching performance this year against the Giants’ lineup REALLY deserves an asterisk.

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And this is tacky, but….
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Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.

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Let’s hear it for mercenaries.

September 3, 2009

The following respectfully submitted as possible headlines. After the SF Giants’ $100,000 September rental, Brad Penny, pitched 8 shutout innings and got the win against the Phillies.

(for all those not baseball obsessed, because Penny was waived/cut by the Red Sox, who are paying most of his multi-million dollar salary, and no one picked him up originally, the Giants only have to pay him the major league minimum for the rest of the season, which is actually under $100,000.)

Anyway, the headlines:

So far, worth every Penny.

Who says there’s no value in a Penny?

Not such a bad Penny.

Giants benefit from a Penny saved.

of course, if he loses his next three starts, these all change.

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Mark Sanford, once again considering himself unjustly persecuted, is now comparing the ethics attacks on him with those made on Sarah Palin. At least he didn’t refer to Sarah as his “soulmate.”
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Curt Schilling, with absolutely no political experience whatsoever, has announced he is interested in Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat. I believe the correct response is “Put a bloody sock in it.”

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You have to wonder, why would Schilling want to join the Senate? Maybe because watching their performance over the past few years, it’s one group where he can be sure that no one is taking anything performance enhancing?

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The SF Giants have changed their minds and decided to promote Buster Posey. Guess they figure he can’t do any worse than the minor league hitters they already have in their lineup.

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In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U.S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.
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commie pinko joke alert.

Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian Senate. Big deal, down in the U.S., we elected a functional illiterate President.

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Prejean, Pacman, the Pac 10 and other problems…

September 2, 2009

USC cornerback Shareece Wright has been ruled academically ineligible for the entire 2009 season. That’s a real shame, said absolutely no one outside of Los Angeles.

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USC cornerback Shareece Wright is academically ineligible for the 2009 season. This follows the team’s starting fullback Stanley Havili being unable to play in last year’s Rose Bowl for academic reasons, and backup quarterback Mitch Mustain having eligibility issues earlier this year. Now we know what USC really means – Usually Skipping Class.

Rumor has it that the class Wright failed was a close call. He took underwater basketweaving and almost drowned.

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The fifth-place (out of six) Cincinnati Reds sold 9087 tickets for a game Monday against the last-place Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. There are actually over 9000 people who were willing to pay to see the Reds-Pirates?
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Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims being fired damaged her career. Let’s see, how many former Miss Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-payment of publicity services rendered.

(Or, as suggested by a couple friends, ask for their implants back.)

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Adam “Pacman” Jones has signed a contract with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. The team GM has said he expects Pacman to be a major contributor to the team, presumably because there aren’t many places to get into trouble in Winnipeg.

John Murphy, the Blue Bombers’ director of player personnel, said of “Pacman” Jones… he is going to “bring some fun and excitement to our team, our locker room, our city, and our league.”

Wonder if he’s alerted the Mounties.

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Lets hope that when “Pacman” signed with the Blue Bombers that he didn’t think he was signing up for a women’s roller derby team.

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Once again, the cure for a pitching slump? Play the SF Giants. Cole Hamels, 0-3 in August, allowed just two hits in a 1-0 victory. Although the Giants did have a leadoff double wasted and then the leadoff runner in the ninth inning picked off.

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How badly are the SF Giants doing with men in scoring position? About as well as a group of fraternity guys on a lesbian cruise.

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You think you had a bad Monday?

September 1, 2009

It could be worse in Minnesota.

How’d you like to be the guy at the Timberwolves who made the decision to choose Ricky Rubio with the number five pick in the NBA draft?

Or maybe the guy at the Vikings who decided to spend $25 million on Brett Favre now that he may have broken a few ribs.

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Bad news for the Vikings if after spending $25 million on Favre he turns out to have been injured. Good news, the bills should be covered by Medicare.

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Many people disdain politics because they say campaigning is all feel-good promises and meaningless performances that end up having little to do with reality. So how come so many of those same folks are so excited about pre-season football??

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So the University of Michigan is being investigated for allegations that players spent more than 20 hours a week on football during the season. I think the question on those charges is not so much, “is Michigan guilty? as “is there a top Division 1 football program that is innocent?”

In Michigan’s defense to the NCAA, they are saying “Come on, if we really spent that much time at practice, do you think we would have ended up with a 3-9 season?”

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A new TSA program will require passengers to give their full legal name AND date of birth when booking airline tickets. You know what that means? – A whole lot more Hollywood actresses on Amtrak.
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The SF Giants are hoping the old axiom is true. See a Penny, pick it up, all year long you’ll have good luck.

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Personally, what I would really like if the Giants are going to pick up an aging former star, is that they hire Rickey Henderson for a coaching session on how to actually work a count.
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For any Canadian readers…

Well, it’s that time of year in some cities, like Washington DC and Pittsburgh, where frustrated baseball fans are relieved to turn to football. Then there’s Toronto. Well there’s always hockey. Hmm, how about those winter Olympics?

(a short note of explanation, the Toronto Argonauts are currently in last place in the Canadian Football League. As to the Leafs, think Cubs. With skates.)

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