Archive for February 2011

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Oscars and other statues

February 28, 2011

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

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On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

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Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

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“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

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Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

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Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

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Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

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One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

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Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

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Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

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Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

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The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

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But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

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Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

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President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

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Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

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Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

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Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

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In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

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Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

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British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

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Lockouts, and shutdowns and falls, oh my.

February 26, 2011

In a Washington Post op-ed about the possible NFL lockout, Senator Jay Rockefeller wrote that he’d like to see owners open their financial books to a neutral third party so that the players can see they are acting in good faith. Awesome. A trillionaire, lecturing billionaires, on how to deal with millionaires….

Meanwhile, $20 beers at the stadium anyone?

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Anne Hathaway said she won’t insult her fellow actors, James Franco says that Ricky Gervais’s jokes weren’t funny. Translation, no need to fasten your seatbelts for the Oscars, it’s going to be a boring night.

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Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, 20, apparently is still working on finding sponsors for his Sprint Cup and Nationwide cars. Well, makes sense. He’s too young to test-drive a car by himself, too young to drink, and barely old enough to shave.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner in 1995: When Bill Clinton played a round of golf just before the government shutdown he complained “Now is the time, not to play golf as the president did yesterday, now is the time to act.” John Boehner in 2011: went on a fundraising trip this week to Florida, and played a round of golf in Sarasota.

This year on American Idol, fans will be able to vote on Facebook. Up to a maximum of 50 votes per person. “Pikers”, responded voters in Chicago.

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George Clooney said this week that he has “known” (euphemism mine) too many women ever to run for office.  Okay, was this man asleep or what during the Bill Clinton years?

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Former President George W. Bush cancelled his keystone speeche at a Young President’s Organization event this weekend in Denver, because he said he didn’t want to be on the same program with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Interesting. Wonder who told W. who Assange is?

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Several of the Detroit Pistons missed a practice shoot-around as a protest against their coach. Well, considering their 21-38 record, doesn’t sound like practice has been doing the team much good anyway.

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Glenn Beck apologized for remarks he made on his radio show comparing Reformed rabbis to Islamic terrorists, saying “I was wrong on this. In this case I didn’t do enough homework.” This came as a shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Beck ever did ANY homework..

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Cavaliers 115, Knicks 109.  So Friday night Carmelo Anthony stars in the latest episode of “Karma’s a bitch.”

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Cold comfort?

February 25, 2011

A London ice cream parlor has started selling scoops made from frozen human breast milk. As far as sizes, presumably the ice cream will be available in A,B, C and D cups.

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Newt Gingrich was questioned by a college student about how he could run on a moral values platform when he’s had at least a few affairs and divorces. And Newt basically responded that “it’s not about my past.” Is he running for President or Home Run King?

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Although speaking of Newt’s future,  if his pattern of chasing younger women continues, will he be the first President to call for his own impeachment?

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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have set a date for their nuptials – June 18. But many Americans still think of it as a May wedding. As in, Hef MAY make it to the wedding.

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A new study has found that women seemed to have a lower risk of heart attack and death if they had hot flashes at the start of menopause, compared to women who never had them at all. No word on what the risk was for their husbands who ignored these hot flashes.

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Lindsay Lohan showed up for her felony grand theft hearing yesterday in a shirt cut almost down to her waist. Looks like she’s still showing the fine judgment that got her into this situation in the first place.

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Christine O’Donnell says she has been approached by Dancing With the Stars, but will probably turn it down. Apparently they don’t allow props – even brooms.

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How quickly things have changed in the NBA. Baron Davis was traded from the Clippers to the Cavaliers. Who’d a thunk last year that would be a downhill move?

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What’s wrong with the NBA?   All these trades and rumors….and how many teams have a chance to actually win the championship this year?  Realistically?  Four. The Spurs, Lakers, Celtics and Heat. So much for competition.

You know it’s bad when the people most defending the NBA model are the New York Yankees.

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Snow place like home.

February 24, 2011

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

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U Conned?

February 23, 2011

U Conn basketball coach Jim Calhoun was suspended for 3 games for recruiting violations. The team also lost scholarships and was put on 3 years probation, but the Huskies avoided a postseason ban. Apparently the precedent cited was “NCAA vs. SEC football.”

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Anne Hathaway said in an interview that she won’t be heckling fellow Hollywood stars as co-host of the Oscars. Thus giving millions of Americans another reason to skip the opening of the telecast.

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Rahm Emanuel has won the Chicago mayoral election and avoided a runoff. Impressively, he even got the votes of over 50 percent of the voters who are still actually alive.

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Apparently Frank Bailey, former Chief of Staff to Sarah Palin, says in his upcoming book the Alaska governor was more concerned about image than issues. Really? The next thing we’ll hear is that Nicole Kidman has used Botox.

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The U.S. State Department just issued a warning telling Americans to “defer all non-essential travel to Libya.” What was their first clue?

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Justin Bieber apparently got a haircut this weekends. “Wow, that’s fascinating,” said absolutely no one over the age of 15.

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Hank Steinbrenner criticized the Yankees for a lack of focus after winning the World Series in 2009, saying “Some of the players are too busy building mansions and doing other things, not concentrating on winning….”

Yeah, Steinbrenner should know about dealing with success.  He made his money the old-fashioned way – he inherited it.

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Sometimes you just have to wonder if anyone in marketing actually reads or thinks about their own ads.

This was sent to agents Tuesday morning, February 22, as a special of the week by a major Hawaii operator:  “ACT NOW! Reduced airfare rates to Hawaii: From $452 for 3 nights’ accommodation and air. Rate valid for travel on United Airlines through 2/28/11.”

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My friend Nick E.  points out that Tuesday was is Florida Annexation Day! 190 years ago Florida was annexed as a US territory from Spain for $5 million. Wonder how much we would have to pay Spain today to take them back.

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The Carnegie Deli in New York is putting a Carmelo Anthony sandwich on the menu – including corned beef, pastrami, salami, bacon, russian dressing and tomato. Knicks fans are just hoping the trade doesn’t leave them feeling as sick as eating the sandwich.

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Occidental College lost their season finale in basketball tonight, 46-45 to Caltech, which came into the game on a 310 (not a typo) game conference losing streak. Suddenly that Lakers loss to Cleveland doesn’t seem QUITE so embarrassing.

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Weighty matters.

February 22, 2011

Rush Limbaugh has now decided to take on Michelle Obama’s appearance, saying the First Lady would never be in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. With all due respect, the only way Rush himself would be pictured in that issue would be as a buoy.

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Carmelo Anthony has apparently been traded to the Knicks. Well, this could work out well. If Anthony moves to New York he’ll be closer to the major networks when it comes time to be a commentator for the later rounds of the NBA playoffs.

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The NFL owner and players association are having long secret talks. One lawyer described the proceedings as “We’re in a cone of silence.” Suppose it’s too much to hope for that both sides would “Get Smart.”

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Fans are still buzzing over Blake Griffin’s “car dunk” during the NBA All-Star slam-dunk competition. It might have been the biggest dunk ever over a large inanimate object, well not involving Shaq.

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Today will mark five YEARS since Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas has spoken during oral arguments. I guess he paid attention to that old Lincoln quote, “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

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A Florida mother ignited a controversy by having her teenage son stand on a street corner with a sign advertising his 1.22 GPA. The boy is particularly upset because he doesn’t want the school’s football players thinking that he’s a braggart and a nerd.

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Three of the Monkees are getting together for a 45th reunion tour.  Which no doubt will feature their hit – “I’m a believer.”   Excpet that now it’s “I’m a believer if i could just remember what I believe.”

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More music from Bill Littlejohn:  The Hollies are releasing a song about the 1,255-pound Yankees rotation–‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Starter'”

And from my friend Jim Barach:  Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out invitations to 1,900 guests for their upcoming Royal Wedding. Word is that Sarah Ferguson has already put hers up for sale on Ebay.

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In England, a travel company is now giving tours of  Kate Middleton’s home town. They are doing so well the company is considering adding a tour of Camilla’s home stables.

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Dunking and driving.

February 21, 2011

Today was a good sports day for fans of irony.  Two of the least racially diverse sports in America,both having their showcase events on the same day.

(For nonsports fans, the NBA All-Star game and the Daytona 500.)

So what’s more likely?  A white kid growing up in the U.S. to become an NBA All-Star starter, or a black kid growing up to be a driver at the Daytona 500?

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Regarding the NBA game –  since did NBA All-Star weekend turn into another episode of the Grammys? (There was  more music than actual basketball.)

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Rookie Trevor Bayne, 20, wins Daytona 500. Well, that’s one way for the sport to avoid embarrassing DUIs – have a star who’s too young to drink.

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Wonder what George Washington would say if he could see our current President’s Day celebrations? Probably something along the lines of “I cannot tell a lie, some of these so called “half price” sales are major ripoffs.”

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A recent survey by 24/7 Wall Street indicated that Priceline was the “big American retailer” with the worst customer service. This comes as a surprise to many Americans who’ve booked travel with the company – Priceline HAS customer service?

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Donald Rumsfeld said this week that the Oakland Raiders were “evil.” What is it with this guy and his need to go after entities with no discernible weapons?

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The NBA’s Sacramento Kings are thinking of moving to the Honda Center in Anaheim. Well, as far as title hopes, or even playoff hopes, perhaps they just want to be closer to their spiritual home – Fantasyland.

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So some Conservatives believe the protestors in Egypt were “used” by the Muslim Brotherhood who did not have the people’s interests at heart. But there’s a deafening silence when middle and lower income Tea Partiers have travelled to Wisconsin to chant “Don’t tax corporations.”

Apparently students in Texas currently rank 47th in the nation in literacy, 49th in verbal SAT scores and 46th in math scores.

So this well-known Texas liberal wrote a letter to the Houston Chronicle against Governor Perry’s proposed budget cuts:  “In light of these statistics, can we afford to cut the number of teachers, increase class sizes, eliminate scholarships for underprivileged students and close several community colleges?”

The liberal writer?  Laura Bush.

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All Star Eve:

February 20, 2011

The “NBA Skills Challenge” seems to be becoming a series of meaningless performances punctuated by increasing media hype. In other words, sort of like the NBA regular season.

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In fact the NBA regular season really has become a joke for the elite teams in the league, who know they just have to qualify with a decent seed.  Some of these guys are mailing it in so consistently they should be sponsored by the U.S. Post Office.

Serene Branson apparently was suffering from “migraine aura” when she began speaking gibberish during a live segment following the Grammy.

In related news, Paula Abdul just announced a fundraiser for fellow victims of “migraine aura.”

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A San Francisco radio station is playing 16 continuous hours of Grateful Dead music this weekend. This explains why, across Northern California, 7-11 stores are reporting a run on Doritos.

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Rahm Emanuel is projected to be the winner in Tuesday’s Chicago mayoral race. And makes sense, he is a smart, attractive candidate who hasn’t made particularly impossible promises – for example, Rahm hasn’t said he could fix the the Cubs.

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The #1 ranked Kansas men’s basketball team lost earlier in the week, the #1 ranked Baylor women’s team lost Saturday.

Being #1 in college basketball is getting to be about as safe as being the #2 guy in Al Qaeda.

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My friend Karen points out the scary fact that Kim Kardashian has more followers now on Twitter than President Obama.  But to be fair, the Kardashians probably have a lot more fans who can’t deal with more than 140 characters at a time.

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Tiger Woods apologized for spitting on the course in Dubai last weekend and said he “just wasn’t thinking.” Yeah, well, apparently that has been a problem for years.

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Frank Bailey, a former Sarah Palin chief of staff, is writing a tell-all memoir on the former Alaska Governor. I guess he’s not worried about getting sued, because that would require Sarah actually read a book to do it.

“I am Number 4” is doing well at the box office. This despite the  fact that many moviegoers think it must be a documentary about NBS status amongst the major networks.

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Just a thought, whatever side you are on:  Regarding everything that’s going on in Wisconsin, and something to think about for 2012. Wonder would have happened if all this effort and energy going into fighting Governor Walker’s proposals, had gone into electing a Democratic governor last November?

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President’s Day Weekend.

February 19, 2011

While we’re celebrating President’s Day here’s an interesting thought. Since Virginia was at that point a British colony, George Washington himself wasn’t born in the United States.

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Former President George W. Bush apparently used to complain that HE didn’t have a day in his own honor. Although Dick Cheney mollified him by saying that a day was already set aside for that in the future–the first of April.

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Sarah Palin came out against the “birthers” in her own party, saying questions about President Obama’s citizenship are “annoying” and a “distraction.” Possible translation – she’s beginning to worry that the same people who don’t know Hawaii is a state, aren’t sure about Alaska either.

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During an appearance in New York Thursday, Sarah Palin said that to help prepare for her speech,  she had asked her daughter Bristol to Google information about the economy in their hotel room the night before.

Too bad a few years ago Sarah hadn’t asked  Bristol to Google information about birth control.

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Unusually low temperatures and rain around San Francisco. Most Bay Area residents can’t remember being so cold here since their last Giants game at Candlestick.

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The judge overseeing Barry Bonds’ perjury case asked the lawyers on both sides to seek a plea bargain, “or rather “a resolution of this short of trial.” Translation, the judge is as sick of wasting time and money on this as most of the rest of us.

(My friend Ed Miller suggests, just tattoo an asterisk on his forthead and let him go.)

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Open note to the GOP: If you are really serious that our nation’s top priority is reducing abortions, what about making it a crime for heterosexual men without certified vasectomies to have sex outside of marriage?

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So any truth to the rumor that Mubarak’s next planned step is to run for Governor of Wisconsin?

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Things are getting wild indeed in Wisconsin.  The state hasn’t seen such outrage since Brett Favre signed with the Vikings.

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Life without a real Tiger: The Golf Channel has suspended Jim Gray from covering the “Northern Trust Open” after Gray had an altercation with Dustin Johnson’s caddie. This comes as real news to both people who were planning to watch the tournament.

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Detroit, we have a problem.

February 18, 2011

The Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who said last year he did not have an “alcohol problem,” was arrested in Florida for DUI. According to the Sheriff’s dept, Cabrera “smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and TOOK A SWIG FROM A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IN FRONT OF A DEPUTY.” (Caps mine.)” Well, I don’t know about an alcohol problem, but he sure has a stupidity problem.

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Cheryl Burke from “Dancing with the Stars’ has now confirmed rumors that she had a fling with her one-time partner Chad Ochocinco. Well, at least she had enough sense not to sign a long term contract with him.th him. 

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Michael Vick cancelled his appearance on “Oprah,” but also apparently has been receiving some inquiries about a possible appearance on “the View.” Great, so he may be going from dogfighting to catfighting.

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It’s after midnight, one week before the trade deadline. Do you know where Carmelo Anthony is?

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Former Partridge Family star David Cassidy pleaded no contest to DUI after being arrested with a .14 blood alcohol level and a half bottle of bourbon in the car. Sounds like he may have taken that “Come on get happy” a little too literally.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner reaffirmed his promise on budget cuts today, punctuating it with “Read my lips.” Yeah, that phrase worked out so well for the GOP before.

What’s next, will he declare of the Republican plans –  “mission accomplished?”

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Many passengers out of San Francisco today are complaining about flights delayed an hour or two by rain. And travelers living on the East Coast, in the Midwest and Texas are thinking, oh just SHUT UP.

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The Energy Department’s inspector general reported that California’s Lawrence Livermore National Lab failed to keep track of samples of dangerous drugs, including cocaine, amphetamines, opium and black tar heroin. And that some drugs were missing. Sounds like it could have been a heck of a Christmas party.

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Fox News was caught faking coverage at the CPAC straw poll. When Ron Paul beat Mitt Romney the network used footage from last year of people booing. Fox News isn’t always honest? Next thing we’ll hear is that Charlie Sheen has a substance abuse problem.

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So some think Florida governor and Tea Party favorite Rick Scott’s decision to turn down federal funds for High Speed Rail may help opponents derail HSR in California.  Okay, just how low have we fallen in the Golden State that we now aspire to be Florida?

From Bill Littlejohn: “In Egypt, they’ve found the stolen statue of King Tut’s father—it should be back in place at the entrance to Penn State’s Beaver football Stadium by next season”

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And by the time anyone reads this things may have changed, but as of the time of writing, my “don’t forget the lyrics” joke from last night is number three on Giglish.com  – behind Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon jokes. I’ll take it.

http://www.giglish.com/

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Dogging it?

February 17, 2011

Michael Vick has just backed out of a scheduled interview next week with Oprah Winfrey for “personal reasons.” Well, better that than saying he was “dog tired.” 

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Who’d a thunk it – the “cure” for the woeful Cleveland Cavaliers in 2011 might just turn out to be playing a team from Los Angeles?

(The Cavs only broke their 26 game losing streak in overtime last week against the Clippers.  But they beat the Lakers 104-99 in regulation.)

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Lance Armstrong has announced his second retirement, and says this one is final. “Amateur” scoffed Brett Favre.

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Those end of season home football losses to Stanford and Washington really stung Cal last year and knocked the Bears out of a bowl. So does that explain Cal’s decision to fill a hole in their schedule on Sept 17 at AT&T Park with Presbyterian College of Clinton, S.C.?

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A San Francisco student’s research indicates that car thefts and burglaries in the city went down considerably in October 2010 from 2009. She believes this wasbecause of the Giants playoff run. Notonly were people happy. But the streets were less empty,  thus affording less opportunity for thieves to break in without being seen.

Guess this means it was business as usual for car thieves in Chicago.

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Last advice from Randy Jackson to American Idol contestants tonight. “Don’t forget the lyrics.” Indeed, or else you could end up at some football game singing the National Anthem in front of millions of people.

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Herman Cain (I know, “who”?) the first Republican to open a presidential exploratory committee, said in a speech to the CPAC – “Stupid people are ruining America.”

“Ruining America?”  What, so instead we should elect a stupid person to run America? Tried that, didn’t work.

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Actual serious travel rant: So United Airlines had to temporarily ground all their 757s for overlooked maintenance issues.  Now if you have a problem that means you can’t make a flight you pay $150 plus fare difference. How come the airline wasn’t paying ticketed passengers $150 for the flights THEY had to change?.

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Michele Bachman is upset because the IRS says breast pumps (to aid in breast feeding) are tax deductible, saying it’s too much government outreach into our personal lives. Really. Where’s her outrage over being able to deduct a Viagra prescription?

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Rats.

February 16, 2011

Larry, the newest member of the British Government.

Apparently British Prime Minister David Cameron has yielded to his children’s pleas, along with requests from his staff who have seen several large rats,  and adopted a “predatory” cat whose job it will be to rid his office of vermin.

President Obama just wishes there was a cat who had the the same potential with lobbyists.

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Donald Trump is burnishing his Conservative credentials in preparation for a possible 2012 run for the Presidency. Which include stating that he is against gay-marriage. Instead “The Donald” believes that marriage should be a sacred union between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

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Donald Trump said that New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon wants him to buy part of the club but he declined. So let’s see, Trump is arrogant enough to think he can run for President and fix the United States, but not so arrogant as to think he can fix the Mets?.

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After months of posturing from both sides Roger Goodell now says labor talks must accelerate to avert a strike. Sounds like the NFL is taking the same advance planning approach to a potential shutdown as the Cowboys did with those extra Super Bowl seats.

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The St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly offered Albert Pujols $200 million for eight years, but Pujols may turn it down because it isn’t as high per year as A-Rod’s 10 year $275 million contract. So can someone explain to me exactly what you can buy with $275 million that you can’t buy with $200 million?

(Responded my friend, Jerry Perisho – “Kate Hudson.”  Although I think A-Rod only rented her.)

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A recent survery of likely GOP primary voters in 2012 saids that 51% of them think President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. 28 % think he was born here, 21 % aren’t sure. Maybe it’s time to change the song “God Bless America,” to “God Help America.”

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Probable 2012 Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Monday that for him the issue of abortion “transcends” all other pressing concerns facing the country.

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While good people can disagree on choice, its amazing how many of those who believe banning abortion is the MOST important issue are financially secure men with healthcare and jobs.

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Tiger, tiger…

February 15, 2011

For moments last weekend, Tiger Woods looked like his old self in Dubai. But turns out it was just his spitting image.

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A Los Angeles CBS station says Serene Branson, a reporter who spoke incoherently during a segment on the Grammy Awards, is “feeling fine.” In fact, Ms. Branson now hopes to audition to be a judge on next year’s American Idol.

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You know you’re getting older when your response to some of the Grammy award winners goes from “I don’t really listen to them,” to “Who the heck are they?”

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Justin Bieber’s fans are apparently outraged that their hero didn’t win a Grammy for best new artist. I don’t know, clearly I’m not a teenage girl, but “new?” Doesn’t it seem like Justin has been around for EVER?

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Apparently negotiations between the St. Louis Cardinals and Albert Pujols are not going well as the slugger wants a huge contract. Wonder what number Pujols will wear in pinstripes?

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One good thing about watching the Bachelor on Valentine’s Day: if you’re attached to someone semi-normal it makes them appear better by comparison. And if you’re single, you think, it could be so much worse.

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So today is 106 days since the SF Giants won the World Series. “So days, years, what’s the difference?” responded fans in Chicago.

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So they lost out on Cliff Lee, had Andy Petitte retire, and now the Yankees hear that C.C. Sabathia may exercise his opt-out clausenext year. At this point the New York pitching theme song may be “Another one bites the dust.”

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A San Diego weatherman pled guilty to a lewd act after two witnesses reported seeing him masturbate while watching a woman at a bus stop. 

He originally told police he was “adjusting the window blinds.”  Ladies and gentlemen, I think a new euphemism has been born.

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From Marc Ragovin.

So Yankees fans are worried that CC Sabathia might exercise his opt out clause.  No need for concern. It’s been a long time since CC has exercised anything.

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Going Gaga.

February 13, 2011

So after the Grammys will Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” album be retitled “Hatched this Way?”

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And some of these acts must be making the younger generation of viewers think –  they’re called the Grammys because only your Grammy has heard of some of these acts.

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Since when did part of the purpose of the Grammys become making whatever stars wear to the Oscars look good?

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So if the Grammys are really a huge national event and championship for the music industry, how come no one sang the National Anthem?

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On the other hand, maybe the music industry wanted a night where no one forgot the words.

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Tiger Woods shot a 75 and ended up 20th in Dubai. Who won? Yeah, I don’t care either.

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John Boehner says the facts say President Obama is a Christian and a citizen. But he added that “it’s not not my job to tell the American people what to think.” Actually, these days, the GOP seems to prefer that people NOT think.

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Tonight’s Washington Wizards game against the Cavaliers in Cleveland:. The perfect appetizer for all those who couldn’t wait for the March Madness play-in game.’

Well Cleveland Cavaliers fans, that winning streak was great while it lasted.

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Another sorry sidelight to the Christopher Lee  – aka the Craiglist Congressman – saga.  The guy was vain enough to lie about his age by seven years (said he was 39 instead of 46), but still stupid enough to use his real name?

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For anyone dreading Valentine’s day, as my friend Dan McCarthy points out, it is only one more day until “Cheap Candy Day.” 

(And okay, February 15 is maybe not quite as good as November 1,but the cheap stuff on the 15th is prettier.)

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And commie-pinko time:   Okay, while they say their top priority is eliminating abortions, the GOP wants to cut about $750 million from the “Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants & Children” (WIC). So can someone explain to me how you can be “pro-life” but anti-feeding pregnant mothers, and the kids once they’re born?

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It’s never easy.

February 12, 2011

The Tea Party’s success has Republicans really bickering amongst themselves. Who do they think they are?  Democrats?

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In the movie “Just Go With It,” Adam Sandler ends up in major trouble for pretending he is divorced, when he isn’t even married.  GOP leaders are thinking that it’s a shame that former Congressman Christopher Lee didn’t see an advance screening.

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Redskins DT tackle Albert Haynesworth has been formally charged with assault stemming from a road rage incident earlier this month. Haynesworth plans to call the Washington coaching staff as defense witnesses. They will testify that this year Albert seemed incapable of really hitting anyone.

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The city of Arlington has now released records indicating that they advised the Dallas Cowboys five MONTHS in advance that they needed permits for temporary seating. And the team didn’t start the approval process until mid January. Sounds like Dallas was as well prepared to host the Super Bowl as they were to play in it.

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And as of this blog posting, Tiger Woods is in contention at the Dubai Desert Classic. 

Okay, anyone need any more proof that for most Americans golf is a one man game?   This is the weekend of the A.T and T Pro-Am in Pebble Beach, one of the most iconic golf tournaments in the country….and we care about the Dubai Desert Classic?

With all due respect, if Tiger weren’t using the tournament to attempt his latest comeback, most of us wouldn’t even know there WAS a Dubai Desert Classic.

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Despite allegations that the Catholic church shelters its own, in Los Angeles, a 74 year priest was removed from his position by the Archdiocese. He had admitted having a sexual relationship with a high school girl starting in 1960. Because his lover was in high school when he was 23? Or because she was a girl?

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How rough is it this year for the Washington Wizards, with an 0-25 record on the road? Now they get to travel to Cleveland to play the Cavaliers while they’re hot.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is going back to making movies. Which is probably a good thing, with all the money the former Governor will earn (and pay taxes on), the state of California can go back to actually benefiting from his crappy performances.

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From reader Keith Hillyard: 

I see that Tanya Harding is pregnant. When the kid finds out who his mother is, his first words will be, “Why me?”

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Decisions, decisions

February 12, 2011

First he’s staying, then he’s rumored to be leaving, then he announces he’s staying, then finally Friday he resigns. Not sure what now-former Egyptian President Mubarak’s plans include, but one option probably includes playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

So, the revolution in Egypt has brought new leadership and the Egyptian people have hopes for a bright future. On the other hand, it’s not quite THAT easy. How many times in the past 100 years have the Chicago Cubs changed managers?

Congratulations to the people of Egypt. On the other hand, how would we Americans feel waking up in the morning to find out the Pentagon was in charge?

A new Ronald Reagan stamp will be a 44 cent “forever” stamp. To really do Reagan’s economic policies justice, Americans should buy the stamps, and save them to use when the real cost of first class postage is over $1.

The white designer mini-dress Lindsay Lohan wore to court this week apparently has now sold out in stores. Wonder how long it will take them to come up with a striped version.

A new book claims that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has fathered at least four “love children.” Who knew that Assange apparently had dreams of playing in the NBA?

Regarding Assange, yeah, white men can’t jump, but they can apparently score.  Especially without protection.

Newly released in the cinema:  A mediocre Adam Sandler-Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy and a Justin Bieber documentary.  It’s enough to even make many women say “So honey, isn’t the Pro Bowl normally the weekend after the Super Bowl?”

The Cleveland Cavaliers tonight ended their 26 game losing streak by beating the Los Angeles Clippers in overtime. And somewhere, some aging members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins cracked open a few beers.

From Bill Littlejohn:  Albert Haynesworth was reportedly involved in a road rage incident in which he punched another driver after allegedly tailgating him.  Redskins fans say it’s reportedly the first time he’s caught someone from behind all year.

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Transitions.

February 11, 2011

President Mubarak of Egypt did not resign today, but he did delegate all real power to his Vice President. Responded George W. Bush “Been there, done that.”

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 The Metrodome landlords decided today to replace, not repair, the snow damaged roof for next season. So for the Vikings in 2011, that’s now two aging relics that won’t be back.

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Sarah Palin referred to Rick Santorum as a “knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.” Wow, wonder who helped her write that on her hand?

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Regarding events in Egypt. We may do a lot of things wrong in this country but we sure do a neat and orderly job of transferring Presidential power on January 20 every four or eight years.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers lost again, tying the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the longest losing streak by a professional sports team. Although, really, when you lose 26 in a row, don’t you kind of forfeit the right to call yourself a professional sports team?

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 Los Angeles judge set bail for Lindsay Lohan in her felony theft case and told the troubled star not to “push her luck.” Then the judge had to leave the courtroom to get home. Since his horse was out in the field and he needed to close the barn door behind it.

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Well, although the entire world expected his resignation speech, Egyptian President Mubarak said he would “delegate powers” but refused to leave. “Doesn’t this guy know when to quit?” asked Brett Favre?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers are desperate for wins after losing 26 straight. At this point their only hope might be March Madness – with a decent seed they might make it through the first weekend.

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While no one knows for sure if Congresswoman Giffords will be able to return to Washington, she did utter an intelligible phrase this week. Which already puts her ahead of many current members of Congress.

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Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan abruptly resigned in the middle of the season, apparently deciding he was done with professional basketball. Wonder if he’s got any interest in the Cavaliers job?

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Mike Simpson, a Republican on the House Appropriations Committee says that the fight to cut spending could lead to a government shut down.   This is different from the current situation how?

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Great quote from Ben Cohen in the Wall Street Journal: “These are strange times, even by California’s standards. The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions for the first time, Stanford boasts the West Coast’s best football team and Los Angeles’s marquee NBA draw, Blake Griffin, plays for the Clippers.”

from Jim Barach: Three alien hunters say that scientists should develop a protocol for sending intelligible communications to life on other planets. That pretty much rules out text messaging.

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Just when you thought,

February 10, 2011

there wasn’t a man left in America who hadn’t heard the cautionary tales of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre and their texting….

Turns out there was a Congressman right in New York who didn’tg get the memo.

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But okay, here’s an open note to all politcians and athletes, especially those over the age of 25. EVERYTHING you send on a phone or over the internet is potentially public. And if it’s potentially embarrassing, it will almost certainly become public.

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Although when you think about this latest story of a married politician texting shirtless pictures of himself to a woman not his wife. I think we can all be thankful again that texting hadn’t been invented when Clinton was President.

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Mark Sanchez, 24, apparently is “hooking up” with a 17 year old New York high school student. (17 is the legal age of consent in New York, as opposed to 18 in California) Now we know why he was in such a hurry to leave USC.

Open warning to all CFL general managers, especially those with daughters,  should Sanchez wash out with the Jets.  In Canada the age of consent is 16.

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Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy apparently had his players fitted for championship rings the day before the Super Bowl. “Uh, it’s a lot easier if you just do it in the preseason” responded the New York Yankees.

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There are rumors that President Obama is dyeing his hair to get rid of some of the gray. Well, he DID take a biography of Ronald Reagan with him over Christmas….

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CBS and Turner Sports plan to expand their March Madness coverage, which according to a CBS executive will “create non-stop basketball from noon ET to midnight.” That crashing sound you are about to hear is American productivity next month plummeting to zero.

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Pirates’ pitcher Ross Ohlendorf won a $1.5 million raise in arbitration this year, even with a 1-11 record in 2010. Giants management hopes Barry Zito doesn’t hear about this.

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The Blame Game?

February 9, 2011

Michelle Obama has announced that her husband has quit smoking. Wonder how long it will take the GOP to accuse the President of contributing to unemployment in the tobacco industry?

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Taco Bell has been fighting back against a lawsuit that says the “seasoned ground beef” in its menu items doesn’t contain enough beef meat. And as a gesture of thanks the chain is offering a free Crunchy Beef Taco to its first 10 million Facebook fans.  Ten million tacos?!  Wow.  That’s almost a ton of meat.

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The Tea Party is coming out with a new magazine to express their anti-government platform – the Tea Party Review. But how are they going to deliver it? Surely not by the U.S. Post Office.

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Coach Sean Payton says he is committed to the Saints but he isnownow relocating his family back to their home town of Dallas from New Orleans. This might be the closest Jerry Jones comes to having a Super Bowl winning coach in Dallas.

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One sentence to sum up what kind of winter it’s been. “On Monday, Mark Wilson won the frost-delayed Phoenix Open.”

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A recent GE study looking at the disconnect between patients and their doctors said 28% of Americans say they sometimes lie or omit facts when talking to their health care provider about their care. And the other 72 % lie to survey takers.

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The Los Angeles Lakers have now joined the negotiations to get Carmelo Anthony from the Denver Nuggets. Apparent object – how to take back the title “Most hated team in America” from the Miami Heat.

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Former Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware has sent out a fundraising letter claiming she was the “White House’s”  top opponent in 2010. In related news, the Cleveland Cavaliers have sent out a letter to their fans with a special offer to buy potential playoff tickets.

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So now the story comes out that the NFL knew there was a potential problem with Super Bowl tickets, but kept quiet in hopes of the new seats being ready in time. And why would they have any reason to suspect Cowboys owner Jerry Jones of over-reaching ambition?

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And apropos of nothing except regarding that old chestnut “size matters.”  Population of  Green Bay -about 102,000.  Number of people who in one way or another got crammed into Cowboys Stadium Sunday?  About 103,000.

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From Marc Ragovin: A recent article said that the vast majority of New York City high school graduates are unprepared to succeed in college. In response, a group of exasperated students said “We ain’t?”

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