Posted tagged ‘Rick Perry jokes’

Only about 100 days…

October 29, 2011

Until pitchers and catchers report.

Gutsy pitching performance tonight by the St. Louis Cardinals’ ace. Almost expected to see the “Jesus was a Carpenter” signs?

(Of course, that would be sacrilegious, everyone knows if Jesus was to be reincarnated these days he would be Tim Tebow.)

So if God really was involved with this World Series, having Josh Hamilton get Texas so close to a championship, and then snatching it away, well all I can say is that He has a really mean sense of humor.

For the uninitiated: Josh Hamilton said that God told him he was going to hit a home run in game six. But Hamilton added “There was a period at the end of [the sentence]. He didn’t say, ‘You’re going to hit it and you’re going to win. ”

Just a reminder, when you pray, it’s important to be specific.

More on game six:

Another reason why baseball is THE best sport: No clock. At some point early in the second half in the Colts-Saints game, it wouldn’t have matter if Peyton Manning or even Johnny Unitas in his prime was miraculously transported in as QB, there would have been ZERO chance of a comeback.


Last night’s World Series game was one of the most exciting ever, despite 5 combined errors (not to mention the fact that Nelson Cruz misplayed David Freese’s triple.) There’s a great quote from Bull Durham, “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Well, sometimes two out of three ain’t bad.


Heck of a World Series. Of course had the BCS been in charge neither the Cardinals nor the Rangers would have been anywhere near it.

The Cardinals’ Matt Holliday, who booted a ball in left field, and got picked off third base with the bases loaded, was out of game seven with a wrist injury. Wonder if Tony LaRussa stepped on it.

If these smaller-market National League teams keep winning the World Series, Bud Selig may have to rethink his “All Star Game Winners Get Home Field Advantage” strategy


A former Ohio high school teacher was found guilty of having sexual encounters with FIVE students. These overcrowded classrooms are really getting out of hand.

Recently acquired Oakland QB Carson Palmer said when he was put into last Sunday’s Raiders -Chiefs game he only knew “about 15 plays.” Well, that’s about 14 more than JaMarcus Russell ever learned.

Michele Bachmann is now accusing Texas governor Rick Perry’s presidential campaign of a “stealth” political attack. Perry’s campaign denies any attack. Makes sense at this point attacking Bachmann’s campaign would be like cheating at Scrabble with George W. Bush.

Wells Fargo said Friday that the bank is cancelling test program of a monthly $3 fee for users of its debit cards: “As we adjust to changes in our business, we will continue to stay attuned to what our customers want,” said a Wells Fargo spokesman. Translation, “We’ve lost track of how many cut-in-half cards we’ve received in the mail.”

Rick Perry’s latest campaign slogan “Cut, Balance and Grow.” Is he running for President or to head up Home Depot’s Garden Centers?

Errors and omissions.

September 24, 2011

While Rick Perry looked like a rock star a few weeks ago, a series of gaffes and “unforced errors” in debates and on the campaign trail have made many potential GOP supporters stand back and reconsider. And somewhere, the late Molly Ivins, who once dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair,” is laughing, loudly.

At the University of Pennsylvania, students arrived for the first day of a class scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m. About an hour later, the class was officially cancelled as the students found out the professor had died five months ago. Penn is an Ivy League school. In the SEC, the entire football team would have rushed to sign up.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a contract to write his memoirs, which will be titled “Total Recall.” With the presumed subtitle “Selective Amnesia.”

Hewlett-Packard’s stock has fallen to its lowest level in six years. Apparently investors are worried about the choice of Meg Whitman as CEO. Probably because her last business decision was to spend over $160 million to try to win a job no sane person would want in the first place.

Oops. Authorities now say that the hunter attacked by a grizzly in a Montana forest was killed not by the bear, but by a gunshot fired by a companion trying to save him. Maybe it was a little too soon to return to hunting for Dick Cheney.

Diana Nyad is going to try again to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Well, officially anyway. Why do I have a feeling that the real record holder is choosing to remain anonymous?


NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman admitted this week that he pretended to be interested in Carl Crawford just to drive up the price for the Boston Red Sox to sign the free agent. If you love the Yankees this story will confirm their winning mentality, If you hate the Yankees this is one more reason to root for the Detroit Tigers to win the pennant.

Kobe Bryant has been offered over $6 million to play for a team in Italy. The offer has to be tempting, Kobe did spend time as a child in Italy. And the country has great jewellers.

The SF Giants’ season ended, fittingly, tonight with an out from Aubrey Huff. (Though a 4-3 grounder would have been more appropriate.) But really, this whole season has been a constant reliance on big money non-performing veterans at the expense of rookies….

From a woman’s point of view it’s been like listening to a friend defend a worthless boyfriend, because she’s spent so much money,time and energy on the relationship already, she’s SURE he will come around.

Hockey joke from my friend Bill Littlejohn:
An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son’s hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick.

Shootout at the Hair Club for Men:

September 23, 2011

The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”

Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?

Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.

The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?

You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”


Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.

This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”

Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.

This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”

Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)

Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.

The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.

Overhitting the Target?

September 15, 2011

Target’s website crashed as a frenzy of shoppers tried to purchase the new “Missoni for Target” line. The response from millions of American women -“Target has Missoni?” The response from millions of American men -“Who the heck is Missoni and what team does he play for?

The U.S. – Mexico border crossing between Tijuana and San Diego was closed Wednesday after scaffolding from construction at the crossing fell on more than a dozen cars. Well, that’s one way to keep out illegal immigrants – have our roads and infrastructure collapse to the point that no one can get in.

Speaking of overload – GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry met with Donald Trump Wednesday night in New York. Were they discussing the Donald possibly being Perry’s running mate? Or just thinking of opening their own branch of “Hair Club for Men?”

Commented my friend Alex Kaseberg on the Perry-Trump meeting: “They could both die from the crushing weight of their egos.”

Now Michele Bachmann is talking about the HPV vaccine making girls “retarded.” Is that what happened to her?

A new book coming out claims Sarah Palin had a very quick fling with Glen Rice when he was playing for Michigan. How quick? Apparently Sarah referred to it as a “Fab Five Minutes.”

Sports and political words buzzing over the Palin-Rice fling. Well, at least we know Sarah never slept with Lebron James. They might flirt but neither of them would be likely to go all the way.

The Sarah Palin-Glen Rice story, even it’s a nonstory, has even taken some media attention away from Rick Perry for a day. Not to say that the Texas Governor likes the limelight, but rumor has it Perry’s now got his staff looking for a female athlete who will admit to a one-nighter with him before HIS marriage.

(Note, it has to be a FEMALE athlete.)

“Not exactly” award of the day: Tom Brady, talking to reporter about the Patriots home opener told fans to “start drinking early.” A Patriots spokesman later said Brady wanted to clarify his remarks, he just “wants everyone to drink a lot of water, stay hydrated.” Yeah, right.

So what’s next for Glen Rice now that he’s been named as having had a fling with Sarah Palin back in the 1980s. Media interviews for sure, but how long until he nabs the big prize -a spot on “Dancing with the Stars?”

A new option on Australian passports for gender allows applicants to choose between “M,” “F”, and X” options, the latter for people of ambiguous or transgender sexuality. Three gender options? That’s probably about two too few for San Francisco.

On a non-sports, non-politics note, a little reminder that when things go wrong with travel that it could be worse. Had client just miss plane from Dulles to SF today because she was delayed in Washington. Ended up standby on a plane two hours later. And was at airport in time to see orginal flight return after an engine caught on fire….

Monday night massacre?

September 13, 2011

What got hit harder? That football Sebastian Janokowski kicked for a 63 yard field goal? Or the Dolphins secondary against the Patriots?

‎517 yards in the air for Tom Brady Monday night for New England. It’s the most success Brady’s had completing passes since he got Bridget Moynahan pregnant while dating Giselle Bunchen.

Eight-run outbursts on back-to-back days at A T and T Park. If this continues warrants will be issued for eight men impersonating the SF Giants’ lineup.

From Russell Young – Better Brandon Crawford than Orlando Cab-error.

The Boston Red Sox have lost 10 of their last 13 games, and are now 4 games behind the Yankees, and only 3 games ahead of the Rays for the wild card. “Hell, yeah, you’ve got to panic,” said David Ortiz . Oh, “STFU” said fans in SF, St. Louis, and Chicago.


According to police, Manny Ramirez was arrested and charged with battery Monday after a domestic dispute at his Florida home. Wonder if Manny’s defense will be all those raging pregnancy hormones?


Ted Ginn Jr. agreed to a reducted contract with the SF 49ers, and had one of the best games of his career, returning both a kickoff and punt for a touchdown. This might be the NFL’s best performance of the year after a paycut. Well, except for Cam Newton’s 422 yards passing after he left Auburn for the Carolina Panthers.


Cargill Inc. announced their second recent ground turkey recall. Apparently a test showed salmonella in a sample from the same Arkansas plant that produced the turkey recalled last month. So where are the GOP candidates today complaining about over-regulation and demanding cuts in the FDA budget?


At the GOP debate tonight, when Ron Paul was asked “What do you tell a guy who is sick, goes into a coma and doesn’t have health insurance? Who pays for his coverage? “Are you saying society should just let him die?”, several members of the crowd yelled out “Yeah.” This might be the final nail in the coffin for George H.W. Bush’s “kindler, gentler nation.”

A 290-pound New York man is suing the White Castle hamburger chain for violating his civil rights by not making their booths bigger to accommodate large bellies. Uh, maybe he could eliminate the problem by eating a few less hamburgers?


Texas Governor Rick Perry wrote an editorial about Social Security for USA Today in which he didn’t once mention the term “Ponzi scheme.” Translation – some one on his campaign staff told him he probably can’t win without Florida.

Although “Contagion” led the box office last weekend it was a particularly weak few days for the theaters. Can’t imagine why…. Millions of Americans are feeling nervous about the anniversary of 9/11, and the big new movie is about a virus that may wipe out the world?

Whose fault is this?

August 21, 2011

Rick Perry continued with his anti-evolution remarks, telling a supporter in South Carolina on Friday – “God is how we got here.” Replied God – “Hey, don’t blame me for this.


Saturday Night Live premieres in five weeks. Anyone besides me who can’t wait to see Kristen Wiig’s take on Michele Bachmann?

Michele Bachmann is taking some criticism for saying people are afraid “the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.” Even her GOP rival Sarah Palin responded, “I disagree, the American people are strong and fear neither China, India nor the Soviet Union.”


Bachmann dismissed her recent gaffes Saturday, saying “the media will report what the media will report.” Yeah, and they have this disturbing tendency sometimes to actually report what a candidate says.

The NCAA may have allowed boosters to run wild at Miami and other schools. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying to focus on the important things.

For example, Fox Sports reports the NCAA is considering a proposal to allow schools to offer spreads such as butter, cream cheese, jelly or peanut butter on top of bagels they provide for recruits. (Currently, schools are only allowed to provide such spreads for their own student-athletes.)

What’s the motto of all this? – “Cream cheese, it’s a slippery slope?”


Texas Gov. Rick Perry has stated he believes in term limits for federal judges, including Supreme Court judges. Can we try this out with Clarence Thomas?


President Obama continues to face criticism for his vacation. And yesterday he actually went into a book store and bought books. What a mistake. The GOP knows politicians aren’t supposed to read books, they’re only supposed to write them.

Fox MLB Game of the Week announcers say that Cubs pitchers have only one compete game all year. Well, Chicago is traveling to A T and T Park to play the Giants later this month.


In today’s first preseason AP top 25 college football poll, the Stanford Cardinal has been ranked #7. But local fans were disappointed to see that voters failed to also include the Cal Bears and Oakland Raiders.


LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson and several unidentified teammates were implicated in a fight at a Baton Rouge bar early Friday morning. So far Les Miles has received two requests for the names of those involved – one from the local media and the other from the draft scouts for the Cincinnati Bengals


Karl Rove thinks that Sarah Palin will run for President, but that she will bypass a traditional campaign structure and finance committee. Rove added “I don’t think she thinks the rules apply to her.” Wow, what was his first clue?

The King is dead, long live the …?

August 20, 2011

Burger King has apparently decided to stop using their creepy King mascot. Republicans responded to this news with – “Yet another job loss we can blame on President Obama.”

Not getting this. All the GOP Presidential contenders say that Obama’s actions are making the economy worse. But they are calling on him to come home from vacation. Uh, if what he does hurts the economy, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away?


These days the San Francisco Giants are practicing an “Abstinence only” offense: No scoring.


Some think the SF Giants just really need to get their confidence up by batting against a pitcher they can hit. Wonder if they could get a pickup game with a contender in the Little League World Series.


from T.C. A bat on board grounded a Delta regional flight to Atlanta. It wasn’t the plane carrying the SF Giants, cause we all know they don’t have any bats.

The Chicago Cubs fired GM Jim Hendry after nine years. Nine years. It took the team that long to figure out Hendry wasn’t going to get them to the World Series? That’s like saying it took Hillary Clinton nine years to figure out Bill wasn’t going to be a faithful husband.


With one of the highest payrolls and worst records in MLB, the Chicago Cubs on Friday announced they had fired GM Jim Hendry. According to ESPN.com the actual firing was July 22, but Hendry wanted to help the team by staying on through the July 31 trading deadline. Uh, if he were “helping” the team as GM, wouldn’t Hendry still be employed?

Bristol Palin has had a “T” tattoed on her right foot to signify family – as she said “Track, Trigg, Tripp and Todd.” Don’t forget “Trash.”

Once again there are reports out of 49ers training camp that “Alex Smith looks good in practice.” What’s the reverse corollary of bad dress rehearsal – good play?


Christine O’Donnell is now claiming that she walked out on the interview with Piers Morgan because he was sexually harassing here. O’Donnell may not have won her Senate race but she has accomplished something more difficult – making Piers Morgan seem almost sympathetic.


Texas Governor Rick Perry when asked if he believes in evolution – “It’s a theory that’s out there.” Shame no one can ask God if He/She believes in Rick Perry.


During his time at Texas A & M, Rick Perry was a “yell leader,” not a cheerleader, a “yell leader.” (They lead the crowd in chants at sporting events but don’t do flips etc.) On the official A & M yell leader website it states, “It is not uncommon for more than twice as many students to vote for yell leader candidates than vote in the Student Body President elections. In Texas, why am I not surprised

Football and other felonies?

August 18, 2011

Michele Bachmann said when she is President she will make gas prices come down under two dollars a gallon. Which means Ben Bernanke soon won’t be the only person Texas Governor Rick Perry will accuse of being treasonous.


from Marc Ragovin: After Rick Perry accused Ben Bernanke of treasonous conduct, Karl Rove said that you just don’t make that kind of charge against the Fed Chairman. “You save it for the President,” according to Rove.


The University of Miami just hired football coach Al Golden in December, and already the program is potentially facing the “death penalty.” If the NCAA moves fast enough Golden’s tenure could rival that of George O’Leary at Notre Dame.


Although under investigation, the University of Miami says they have no plans to suspend any current players. Translation, unless the NCAA decries otherwise, expect suspensions – but not starting until after whatever bowl game the Hurricanes play in ths year.

Panthers coach Ron Rivera says Cam Newton will start Friday night’s preseason game for Carolina against the Miami Dolphins. Rivera allegedly also told his rookie QB to relax and pretend it’s just another college game, albeit with a pay cut.

A major league baseball player was placed on the disabled list this week with a shoulder strain that he aggravated by sleeping on it. And shockingly to San Francisco fans, this player is not a member of the Giants. (It was Orioles’ first baseman Chris Davis.)


Goldstar, an online ticket site, has been offering discount tickets to the 49ers-Raiders preseason game this upcoming weekend. Wonder how much they would have to pay fans to fill up the stadium.


Reports have it that Best Buy ordered 270,000 HP Touchpads and they have sold only 25,000. The most common reaction to this story? “What’s an HP Touchpad?”


Regarding that Giants-Mets trade of Zach Wheeler to Carlos Beltran, is it too late to invoke California’s “Lemon Law?”


Last year, Ohio State’s president Gordon Gee mocked the “Little Sisters of the Poor” by accusing other universities of playing them in football. Today he toured a home for the elderly operated by the religious order in Ohio, and promised to be one of their “greatest advocates.”

Then Gee did add that if the sisters had any room on their 2012-13 schedules, he’d love to arrange a game with the Buckeyes.

Abercrombie & Fitch is offering “The Situation” money to stop wearing its clothing. Think the Giants can do that with Barry Zito?

A recent poll shows 79% of Americans give an “A” or “B” grade to the public school their oldest child attends, but only 17% gave an “A” or “B” grade to public schools in the nation as a whole.” This is the same great logic that has had Americans so negative about Congress while consistently re-electing their own representatives.

Hair raising?

August 16, 2011

Texas Governor Rick Perry today dismissed comparisons between himself and W. But his response to what the biggest difference between the two was -“I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.” At least he didn’t say “I have better hair.”

(This answer does mean potential fun in the debates if Mitt Romney is involved. Mitt spent a year at Stanford before transferring to BYU, and has a JD and MBA from Harvard.)

Jim Thome might have made the quietest entry yet into the 600 home run club. Of course, he committed a cardinal sin as far as the media is concerned – Thome never signed a free-agent contract with the Yankees.

The IRS says a 40 year old woman is facing charges that she obtained obtained fraudulent Social Security numbers for at least 19 non-existent children.

The agency became suspicious when they noticed her last name was neither Gosselin nor Suleman.

There are reports that the NCAA is investigating University of Miami over claims that more than a dozen former or current football players received gifts and services from a convicted Ponzi schemer. In Miami’s defense, the school may claim they were just trying to prove they were worthy of an offer to join the SEC.


So let’s see, last Sunday the NASCAR race at Watkins Glen was postponed until Monday, and a number of no-names battled it out for the PGA Golf Tournament title.

Television executives now know what they felt like on Wall Street last week.

Commie pinko stuff below, including a quote.

A preacher from a Central Florida mega-church was found dead in his hotel room in New York, and there are newspaper reports that cocaine was found in the room.

This was the same preacher who divorced his wife two years ago over an affair with a stripper.

And the reaction no doubt from some right-wingers who call themselves Christian – at least he wasn’t gay.



Multi-millionaire GOP candidate Mitt Romney denied that that he was out of touch with the American people. Then when asked what he thought of President Obama’s bus tour, Romney replied, “What’s a bus?”

Many people have posted the whole op-ed, I just like this one simple quote: “I have worked with investors for 60 years and I have yet to see anyone – not even when capital gains rates were 39.9 percent in 1976-77 – shy away from a sensible investment because of the tax rate on the potential gain.” Warren Buffett.

(I am waiting for the first GOP candidate to go after Buffett on this one.)