September mourning?

Posted September 6, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?

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T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.

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Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.

Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.

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My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”

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The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.

How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.
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John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.

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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.
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Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?

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The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.

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Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?

Comments: 4 Comments

Opening week…

Posted September 5, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents

(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)

But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.

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Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.

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How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.

This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.

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Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.

Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.

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from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
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JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?

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Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.

(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)

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Dumb and dumber – yet again

Posted September 4, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”

(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)

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Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.

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BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?

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Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.

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Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”

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Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”

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In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”

Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?

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Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”

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The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.

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Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?

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from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”

So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.

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Are you ready for some football?

Posted September 3, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

The college football season kicked off tonight, and many powerhouses scheduled their usual tough openers. Ohio State took on Marshall, Miami took on Florida A & M, USC took on Hawaii. So once again fans were generally treated to games with all the drama and uncertainty of the Christians taking on the Lions.

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Of course, what happened to #15 Pittsburgh, who took on a real team, Utah? A 27 to 24 loss. Which basically means the Panthers have been eliminated from any chance at a national championship, and it’s not even Labor Day. So the scheduling of crash-test dummies will continue.

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And actually, USC only beat Hawaii by 13 points, 49 to 36, and that after knocking out the Warriors starting quarterback on a questionable hit. So looks like that bowl ban for the Trojans just might end up being irrelevant.

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On the other hand, if this is the beginning of yet another mediocre season for Lane Kiffin, who knows what other team will try to lure him away from USC with a big contract.

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The University of Alabama, ranked number one in preseason polls, will be without Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram (injury), and defensive MVP of last year’s National Championship Marcell Dareus (suspension), for their season opener against San Jose State. Well, that ought to get the spread under 50.

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The SF Giants’ new call-up Darren Ford is beyond fast. He came in as a pinch-runner at first base Thursday in a 1-1 tie. Then he made it to second on a lousy bunt, went to third on a ball that only rolled a few feet away from the catcher, and scored on a wild throw. In fact, Ford’s so unstoppable maybe they should nickname him “Toyota.”

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Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman hit 103 mph on the radar gun in his second appearance for the team yesterday. Actually it’s not unusual for young major leaguers to be clocked at over 100 mph. But usually they are driving a car at the time.

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In California, the first ad has aired supporting Proposition 19, Marijuana Legalization. Presumably it was funded by the makers of Doritos.
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Feeling up for a challenge? A British gal broke a world record by texting the following in 29 seconds – “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.”

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from Bill Littlejohn – “Rob Dibble has been fired as the Nationals TV analyst.Steven Strasburg sent him a message telling him to suck it up and to stop crying”

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We’ll always have Paris…

Posted September 2, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Paris Hilton that is, a one-woman economic stimulus package to comedy writers.

Now she says she thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. Sort of puts a whole new slant on the concept of “Blowing bubbles.”

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But let’s see, mistaking cocaine for gum? Makes that “flaxseed oil” defense sound almost reasonable.

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I suppose Paris could have used the defense that she thought the marijuana was oregano, but that would have required at some point in her life that the woman had been in a kitchen.

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Lindsay Lohan says she is not an alcoholic or a drug user, and that she is “no longer young and irresponsible.” Of course not, she is now grown up and irresponsible.

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Burger King is reportedly in talks to be acquired by a private equity firm. The companies are said to be working out final stock purchase details, as in “Do you want fries with that?”

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President Obama called former President George W. Bush yesterday before his speech on the Iraq War. It was partly to be conciliatory and above politics, and also to tell W. that while Obama was redecorating the Oval Office he had ordered staff to put all of Bush’s art projects in a safe place.

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An attorney testified today in the McCourts’ divorce trial, that Frank McCourt told her he wasn’t going to sign a revised marital agreement that would share the Los Angeles Dodgers with his wife. If Frank really wanted to make Jamie, suffer, however, he would have given her the whole team.
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During practice yesterday, Kendall Langford of the Miami Dolphins apparently lost a 2.5 carat diamond earring valued at $50,000 on the field. It was the most ridiculous waste of money during the preseason since JaMarcus Russell was still doing drills with the Raiders.

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In the California leglislature, it’s another year, another deadlock. We can’t even call the California budget a political football – – you can actually pass a football.

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Also in Calfornia, in Carly Fiorina’s Senate debate with Barbara Boxer, Fiorina compared the state’s economic climate unfavorably to China’s, saying “China has done wonderful things to create jobs.”

This may be true, but even now in the California the unemployment rate isn’t so bad for eight-year olds.

Comments: 3 Comments

Winners and losers.

Posted September 1, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.

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San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.

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But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.

(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)

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Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”

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Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.

(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)

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from t.c.

Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.

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Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.

They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.

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A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.

I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.

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Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.

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“Arrested” development

Posted August 31, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Mizzou’s football team has now had three DUI arrests in the past couple month. Looks like Missouri has now become the “Show me your license and registration” state.

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According to the New York Times, Stanford’s star quarterback Andrew Luck has a 3.55 GPA and an architectural design major. Said football players at Cal, “what’s architectural design?” Said football players at USC “what’s a major?”

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Manny Ramirez is expected to join the White Sox Tuesday. His new Chicago teammates will celebrate by throwing him a nice little baby shower.

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A recent Fox News poll showed 64 percent of Americans think it’s wrong to build a mosque near ground zero. Just wondering, what are those other 36 percent doing listening to Fox News?

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Elin Nordegren said she gave the “only interview I’m going to give” on her divorce from Tiger Woods to “People” magazine. Now she’s on the cover of Britain’s “Hello” magazine, with her “one and only interview” on the subject. Maybe the celebrity she should have married was Brett Favre.

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Paris Hilton has been arrested for the third time in a little over a month, this time for cocaine possesion. Though she claims she was carrying someone else’s purse. You’d think for all the money she has, the woman could buy a clue?

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To be fair to Paris, she doesn’t have a lot to do with her time. Maybe she’s auditioning to be the poster girl for the Cincinnati Bengals?

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A NY Times article saying the percentage of registered Republicans in Orange County has dropped to 43 percent. Of course, the richest Republicans won’t register until they decide to run for office.

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Meg Whitman was apparently called for jury duty and attended the first day of juror selection. Scary thing, she already now has more judicial experience than she has political experience.

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from Gary Morton : On the NFL going to 18 games: we’ll finally get the answer to that old joke, “where do they bury the survivors?”
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This one’s a little over the top but it’s an interesting take on the economy, seen on a sign in London – “Buy more sh*t or we’re all f**ked.”

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Edinburgh quippery?

Posted August 30, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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No, that’s not a sport in a Harry Potter book, but a joke contest in Scotland. Here, for a little cross-Atlantic humor, are the winners….. Some of them prove that laughter is universal, some of them prove that we have absolutely nothing in common with Scotland and England except a language.

The winner, from Tim Vine ”I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” And the rest of the top eight, with attribution.

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3. Emo Philips: “I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.”
4. Jack Whitehall: “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5. Gary Delaney: “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6. John Bishop: “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7. Bo Burnham: “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8. Gary Delaney: “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

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And back on this side of the Atlantic..

Brett Favre threw two interceptions during the Vikings-Seahawks preseason game. So much for all those who said missing training camp would mean it would take Favre a long time to get into midseason form.

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President Obama went to New Orleans to honor the fifth anniversary of Katrina. A FEMA spokesman said “Seems like only yesterday.”

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So far the USA basketball team looks great at the FIBA World Basketball Championships. On the other hand, they’ve played Croatia and Slovenia. Thats the NBA equivalent of beating up on the Clippers.

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Despite a scandal involving prostitutes (and diapers), Louisiana Senator David Vitter easily won the GOP primary in his race to be re-elected. Maybe voters were just glad the prostitutes were female.

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Actually, from my point of view I suppose what a man or woman does in his or her private life is their own business, but Vitter should at least have second thoughts for voting against money for a stimulus.

(No word on how much the prostitutes were paid for stimulating HIS package.)

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Glenn Beck said of his controversial rally, that he wanted to take the politics out of civil rights. A fair goal…. but when you think of speakers that rise about politics, well, is there anyone but Beck who thinks of Sarah Palin?

Comments: 1 Comment

Restoring America?

Posted August 28, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Hawaii won the U.S. title at the Little League World Series. Parents of some defeated teams are demanding they show birth certificates indicating they were born in the U.S.

Actually, some parents are probably muttering, “How did those foreigners get into our bracket?”

(Not kidding, in the travel business I have been asked if you need a passport for Hawaii, and if they take U.S. money.
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An internet hoax indicates that Mars will be as big as the moon in the night sky. If you get such a message, ignore it. Or drink enough tequila and it could be true…

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Somehow Albert Pujols, who has come out adamantly against the Arizona immigration law, ended up a part of Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” event at the Lincoln Memorial Saturday. Beck said Albert was invited because he was a hero, and because Pujols was the only “diversity” they could get.

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Sarah Palin spoke at the rally about ‘restoring’ America. Was she talking about our country or a piece of furniture.

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Actually, if Sarah really wanted to connect with people in D.C. maybe she could have just talked about “restoring” the Nationals and Redskins.

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In the midst of the controversy, Beck said that white Americans didn’t “own” Abraham Lincoln, and black Americans didn’t “own” Martin Luther King. Could he have come up with a worse verb? (And did Beck even notice?)
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The Glenn Beck rally was billed, among other things, as a “a celebration of the First Amendment.” Stay tuned tomorrow to hear Sarah Palin criticize the media coverage.

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The U.S. beat Croatia 106-78 in the opening rounds of the World Basketball Championships. So it’s not the “Dream Team” but in the first round at least they avoided a nightmare loss.

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Many NFL players are against the proposed 18 game season because they think it will be too much wear and tear on their bodies. So anyone who wants to make money for playing a shorter season will just have to go to USC.

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How bad a month did Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum suddenly have? Rumor has it Tiger Woods asked him “Dude, did some gal come after you with a nine-iron too?”

Comments: 1 Comment

Crashes, explosions, etc…

Posted August 27, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Some stock market watchers are worried about something called the “Hindenberg Omen,” which has been about 25 percent accurate in predicting market crashes. Still others are waiting for a prediction from Paul the Octopus.

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British Airways apologized after an recorded message was accidentally broadcast on a London-Hong Kong flight. The message said “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”

So much for all those who said they had the worst flight of the week because of an inedible meal or a crying baby.

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‎47 years to the day after Martin Luther King, Jr gave his “I have a dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial, Glenn Beck will give a speech, “Restoring Honor”, on those same steps. I’m pretty sure the only dream MLK would have had regarding such a speech would have involved a hard night and WAY too much tequila.

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UNC’s athletic director says the football program is under investigation for “improprieties that existed outside the classroom.” Responded most Tarheel players when asked “What classroom?”

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Bad news for Stephen Strasburg, who while he has a guaranteed $15 million contract, will need to undergo Tommy John surgery and miss the 2011 season. Worse news for all those poor guys and gals trying to sell Nationals 2011 season tickets.

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The White Sox were apparently awarded the waiver claim on Manny Ramirez. Let’s see, this could mean Ozzie Guillen and Manny in the same clubhouse… isn’t this some kind of violation against a weapons treaty.

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A great comment from George Emil about yesterday’s post that Dennis Rodman had slept with 2,000 women. I wondered how many of them were lesbians. George wondered, how many of them BECAME lesbians?

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The preseason is months away, and the NBA has suspended Brandon Rush of the Indiana Pacers, Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings and Kenny Hasbrouck of the Miami Heat for separate incidents.

These guys aren’t doing much to refute the NBA image of “Nothing but A**holes.”

Levi Johnston now says he regrets his apology to Sarah Palin, because it wasn’t true, but he did it to make Bristol happy. In some ways it’s a shame the two have broken up, because they really are perfect for each other.

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Emergency Management agency director Mike Brown tells NBC’s “Today” show “there was a disconnect” between the truth and what the Bush administration was saying about the situation. Responded former President Bush – “There was no disconnect, the White House electricity never went off.”

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from T.C.

PGA golfer Jim Furyk missed his Pro-Am time due to his alarm failing, thus disqualifying him from this week’s event. No word on whether Ken Griffey Jr was in his group.

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and new Elton John song “Brady hates the Jets.”

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An open question to those who feel that the government should somehow regulate the building of mosques. Are you okay with the next step being government regulation of YOUR church?

Comments: 2 Comments

Big tent?

Posted August 26, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Larry Craig, California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Ken Mehlman…. The GOP may or may not have that “Big Tent.” But they sure have a big closet.

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Ken Mehlman, former RNC chair and director of President Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign, came out of the closet, and said he will become a gay rights advocate. So Mehlman spent the first 44 years of his life being ashamed of his homosexuality, now he can spend the rest of his life being ashamed of having helped re-elect George W?

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Mehlman, said of his coming out “It’s something I wish I had done years ago.” And millions of gay Americans who faced discrimination during the Bush years added “Not half as much was we do.”

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Regarding Melman’s saying he wants to become a gay rights advocate.. isn’t that like…

Jon Gosselin writing a parenting book?

Newt Gringrich espousing family values?

John Edwards defending traditional marriage?

Bristol Palin promoting abstinence?

Oops, never mind.

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One of the reasons Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston for a second time was that she said he only cared about being in the media limelight. No doubt we will hear more about that from Bristol now that she has signed up to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league plans to expand to an 18 game regular season in 2012. That is, if they can prove that for Detroit Lions fans, 18 games isn’t a violation of the Geneva convention.

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Elin Nordegren said she never hit Tiger Woods on the night of his car crash. Sounds like her aim is about as good as her ex-husband’s has been lately.

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Stephen Strasburg will apparently be shut down for the year. Well, his season lasted longer than the Cubs’.

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Rick Scott, who spent $38 million of his own money to win the Florida Republican senate primary,, says there is no limit on what he will spend to win the general election. Scoffed Meg Whitman in California, “everything’s cheaper in Florida.”

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Bill Littlejohn noted that Dennis Rodman says he has had sex with 2000, which figures as he was always about 10 percent the player Wilt was.

(Wonder how many of those 2000 women were lesbians?)

Comments: 3 Comments

Moving on, or not…

Posted August 25, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The NFL fined Ochocinco $25,000 for two Twitter violations during the Bengals-Eagles preseason game. Well, good to see the Cincinnati receiver is in midseason form.

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Tiger Woods’ now ex-wife Elin was featured on the cover of People Magazine for what she said was her first and last interview. Well, at least until someone makes her a better offer.

(Nothing against Elin here, who probably had no idea quite what she was getting into with Woods….but on the other hand, expecting a quiet, private life being married to the most famous golfer in the world, who had a playboy reputation as a single man. Well, let’s just say that Hillary Clinton had to be thinking, “Yeah, right, honey.”)

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To err is human, to forgive apparently is not Johnny Damon’s policy.

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Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner: “OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

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The SF Giants scored 12 runs Monday and 16 runs Tuesday against Cincinnati. Since when did the Reds’ pitching staff get replaced by the Bengals defense?

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In Alaska, Gulf War veteran Joe Miller has about a 1900 vote lead over Senator Lisa Murkowski in the GOP primary. He says Sarah Palin’s endorsement was “pivotal.” Of course, that could mean without her endorsement he’d be ahead by 10,000 votes.

But really, 1900 votes in a statewide race? In California that’s the approximate total every election of voters who write in “Mickey Mouse.”

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Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, is coming out with a book on parenting advice. Wouldn’t that be kind of like buying a book on decision making from Brett Favre?

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Miss Mexico won the Miss Universe title. The other contestants congratulated her and in a display of customary pageant sportsmanship immediately then tried to have her deported.

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Google announced Wednesday that they will compete with Skype by allowing Gmail users will be able to make free phone calls to the U.S. and Canada from within the e-mail service. Said most Gmail users under 25… what’s a phone call?

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Sean Connery is 80. Which means 007 now takes his martinis “shaken not stirred,” or was it “stirred not shaken”, or, was it….. “Hell, just give me some vodka.”

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Knowing when to quit?

Posted August 24, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The judge in the Roger Clemens case has issued a gag order. Shame for the Rocket that someone didn’t issue one to him before he voluntarily testified.

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The Basketball World Championships begin this Sunday in Istanbul, officially known as the FIBA (Fédération Internationale de Basketball Amateur) championships.

Basketball Amateur? Sounds like a Wizards-Clippers game.

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Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner:

“OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

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Tyler Thomas, 19, a now former Oregon State University offensive lineman, has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked in a stranger’s home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.

Apparently after a call, the police showed up, ordered him to surrender and Thomas then dropped into a football formation and charged the officers.

The young man has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest. A police spokesman also says “he was absolutely intoxicated. Really? What was their first clue?

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A team of students from Canadian universities are teaming up with several Canadian companies to make an electric vehicle out of hemp (cannabis). The cars will hold up to three passengers, reach 55 miles an hour and go for up to 100 miles without having to be recharged. The only problem, they keep stopping at 7-11s and doughnut shops.

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Christina Applegate says she is going to be the worlds first hippie type A mom. Is she kidding? Has she never been around any “hippie type” mom faced with the option of feeding her baby non-organic food?

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For SF Giants fans – okay, Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria may have been disasterous signings. But on the brighter side….Brian Sabean didn’t offer a contract to Manny Ramirez.

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Sammy Sosa is upset that the Cubs haven’t retired his number. Disillusioned Cubs fans are telling Sammy to “put a cork in it.”

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from Marc Ragovin on the same subject: Sammy Sosa has accused the Cubs of disrespecting him by assigning his #21 to a current player. “Well someone has a swelled head.

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Another comment from Gary Morton on T.O. – about his open letter to Cincinnati fans: “Terrell Owens says he has matured. Had he not written it in crayon, he might be more believable.
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Comments: 1 Comment

Goodbye Sweet Lou…

Posted August 23, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.

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Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.
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Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.

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Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.

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Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.

Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.

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A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.

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from Alex Kaseberg:

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

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Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.

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from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.

He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.

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In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.
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As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Commitment and maturity.

Posted August 22, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Brett Favre apparently stressed his “commitment” to the Vikings in a team meeting. Commitment? Right. Can you imagine Favre at his wedding? “Do you take this woman…” “Uh, I think I …I’d really like to…. can I get back to you on that?”

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Vin Scully just announced he will return to the Dodgers for his 62th season in 2011. Let’s hope Brett Favre doesn’t find out about this.

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62 seasons? Scully just missed Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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‎”Eat, Pray, Love,” has now taken in $47 million in two weeks in the U.S. Which must mean at least a few dozen men have now seen the movie.

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How warm has it been in much of the U.S.? Given a choice between mowing the lawn and going with their wives to see “Eat, Pray, Love” it looks like some men have actually decided to go to the movie.

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In an open letter to Cincinnati fans, Terrell Owens says he has matured. This might be true . On the other hand, wine in a box matures too, but that still doesn’t mean you want to touch the stuff.

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Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Sunday that he won’t rule out returning to politics. If he can find someone offering an office at a fair price.
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Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows.

In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy.

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from t.c.

Tom Hanks to Lou Pinella – “Crying?, crying?… there’s no crying in baseball!!!!” Oh yes there is, say season’s ticket holders of the Pirates, Cubs, Mets, Royals, Mariners and Orioles

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Many Americans say it’s not that they’re anti-Muslim, but a Islamic Center near Ground Zero seems inappropriate near American sacred ground. Well, Turkish Muslims seem to be coping with the McDonalds’ restaurant near the Blue Mosque.

Comments: 4 Comments

Stumbling into the weekend…

Posted August 21, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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More injury news from Boston: Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia went on the DL with an infection in his right leg, the fourth catcher alone on the team to be injured. And second man Dustin Pedroia has soreness in the same foot he broke earlier in the year. If this keeps up, they’ll have to rename the team “The Red Cross Sox.”

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It’s been a tough year for Red Sox fans with so many of their starters are hurt. And a rough year for Mets fans because their starters are healthy.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is still dealing with fallout from his profanity laced tirade on Hard Knocks. Guess no one around the Jets had heard that much swearing since fans watched Brett Favre was around throwing all those interceptions.

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From Bill Littlejohn.

“Jets coach Rex Ryan met with Tony Dungy in a ‘man to man talk’ over Ryan’s use of profanity on ‘Hard Knocks’. Isn’t this kind of the football equivalent of Gandhi meeting with Andrew Dice Clay”

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A 20 year old was inspired to climb up on a railing while waiting for the Tower of Terror ride at Disney’s California Adventure. He fell 25 feet and was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. A police spokesman said “there are some indications that the man had been drinking.” Yes, and there are some indications Brett Favre is a drama queen.

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from Marc Ragovin:

When someone asked Roger Clemens’ lawyer what his client’s strategy would be, his alleged response “First get the case moved to Chicago.”

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Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle apparently was once involved in a campaign against a local high school’s use of black football jerseys. During which she said the black uniforms were ungodly and wicked. After last year’s Super Bowl, she’d probably get some votes now from Indianapolis Colts fans.

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A USA Today sportswriter said that the T.O-Ochocinco pairing is either a “dynamic combination” or an implosion waiting to happen. Strikes me that’s not an either/or proposition.

Comments: 2 Comments

A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

Posted August 20, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

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My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”

Really?

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Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.

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Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.

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One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.

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The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.

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Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

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An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”

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Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”

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Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

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President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”

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Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.
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Comments: 4 Comments

Darwin award of the year.

Posted August 19, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Frank Ryan who was killed when he drove off a cliff, was allegedlyy tweeting about his border collie at the time of the accident. The dog, who was in the car, survived the crash. Talk about survival of the fittest – Darwin would be proud.

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Maybe the guy thought he could multi-task because he did all those surgeries at the same time on Heidi Montag and they turned out so well…. Oops, never mind.
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Brett Favre has announced he will return to the Vikings for “one more try” at a Super Bowl. Right. “One more try” for Favre has about the same meaning as, “I do” for Larry King.
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So instead of sports highlights, lately Sportcenter seems to lead with sagas – Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Lebron James, Tiger Woods… when did ESPN turn into People magazine?

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Lebron James now says he’s not sure the Cleveland Cavaliers owner “ever cared about Lebron” and he doesn’t regret making the ESPN special -“The Decision”

Hmm, ALS may have been misnamed Lou Gehrig’s disease, but the American Psychiatric Association is now considering renaming narcissism “Lebron James Personality Disorder.”

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A little perspective for a certain quarterback Vin Scully has been broadcasting Dodgers games for 60 years. And he hasn’t retired and unretired once.

In the “politics makes strange bedfellows” department, this might be one of this year’s winners: The 25,000-member Northern California District Council of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union has endorsed Prop 19 – the initiative to legalize marijuana

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Apparently Sarah Palin has posted Tweets encouraging Dr. Laura and defending her “1st.Amend rights” Figures. Birdbrains of a feather….

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Sarah Palin has been defending Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s first amendment rights, at the same time decrying the media coverage of the whole “N” word saga.

Note to Sarah, if you are going to defend an amendment, best to read it. There’s that little issue of “freedom of the press.”

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A joint joke with Alex Kaseberg, who started it off:

“Andrew Lloyd Weber’s songs will be available on a karaoke game on Xbox 360. This will be for all of those guys who love to sing show tunes on karaoke and play Xbox. What? Excuse me? This just in: there is no such thing as a guy who likes to sing karaoke show tunes and play Xbox.”

Actually there are such guys, especially in Northern California. Actually, the Andrew Lloyd Webber Karaoke game is likely to be a hot item on wedding registries, if the state ever overturns Prop 8.

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More worrisome, however, is this possibility. What if some college freshman brings the karaoke game to their dorm room in a state with “open-carry” gun laws. Could get ugly.

Comments: 3 Comments

Decisions, decisions, decisions..

Posted August 18, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The Brett Favre saga continues. Apparently the Vikings let three active players leave practice to fly down to Mississippi to try to convince the 40 year quarterback to return.

Note to Minnesota, if you have to beg, he’s just not that into you.

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On the other hand, ESPN remains in love with the story. Sportscenter is turning into “Decision; the Miniseries.”

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But back to basketball, now Carmelo Anthony is wondering whether he should opt out of his contract with the Denver Nuggets, or sign his extension, or just demand a trade. Because he feels he should be able to go play with his friends too, and win a championship ring.

So when did the NBA become the “Narcissists Basketball Association?”

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Apparently this year the Cleveland Cavaliers will have new uniforms, with altered colors and bolder lettering on the front. Wonder if that lettering will include the phrase “Lebron sucks?”

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As the San Francisco Giants go through another rough patch in their season while they are fighting for a playoff spot, it does remind us that there are advantages to being a Cubs fan. None of this late-August/September stress.

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Cher is working on a new album, but the 64-year-old diva says that fans “shouldn’t expect the same dance music” heard on her 1998 album, “Believe.”

Dance music? How about walker music?

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Yet another example of why winning isn’t everything. Daughtry, who finished fourth on season five of American Idol, is appearing on the “NBC Today Show Concert Series” Friday. Meanwhile, Taylor Hicks, that season’s winner, is appearing this weekend at the Rrazz Room in the San Francisco Nikko Hotel, capacity 186 people.

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After being criticized for her repeated use of the “N word,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger said she is giving up her radio show because she wants to “regain her free speech” rights, and “move onto other venues where I could say my piece and not have to live in fear anymore.” Hmm, wonder what position she will have at Fox News?

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Quote of the day on Newt Gringrch “He is a political opportunist;, what Newt is doing is he’s trying to get out and be more flamboyant and more charismatic, if you will, and more controversial than Sarah Palin” And the quote is from that flaming liberal Pat Buchanan.

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Absolutely agree that President Obama can be too nuanced. But as to him saying that there is a right to do something without commenting on the wisdom of doing it, well that’s a concept most parents of college students who are legally adults are very familar with….

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Ironic actually, that our first mixed-race president seems to have so many problems with nuanced statements. Because so many Americans just seem to want answers in black and white.

Comments: 5 Comments

Another one bites the dust…

Posted August 17, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)

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The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?

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At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?

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Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

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Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?

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Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

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Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.

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So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.

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Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”

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“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

Comments: 5 Comments

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