Weekend follies.

Posted August 16, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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A-Rod hits three home runs on Saturday, numbers 602, 603 and 604. Purists, however, say the homers should have an asterisks – they were hit against the Royals.

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Meanwhile at the PGA Championship, this great line from Marc Ragovin: There was a disturbing moment Sunday as Tiger Woods blurted out “[bleep] me” after making a poor shot, and 15 women came running out of the gallery

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President Obama’s Florida swim to prove the water was safe resulted in some mixed feelings from conservatives. Half of them said, “What a silly stunt, of course we know the oil won’t hurt anyone.” The other half said “Think he could go back and swim a few more times?””

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Tim Tebow fans are convinced that his seven yard touchdown run in tonight’s game proves he can be an NFL quarterback. Realists point out that it was on the last play of a pre-season game against the Bengals, which means he probably means he faced a tougher defense in the Sugar Bowl against the University of Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Are Las Vegas oddsmakers nuts? SF Giants are 6 to 1 odds to win NL pennant. Sounds reasonable but as of today the Mets are the SAME odds. Really.

When any reader finds somewhere giving 1-6 odds against the Mets winning the pennant, please let me know.

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Today was marked at Graceland as the 33rd anniversary of Elvis’s passing. Whats the difference between Elvis fans and New York fans? New York fans know the Mets are dead.
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Miami Heat forward Udonis Haslem was arrested Sunday for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop in Miami-Dade County. With all the expectations of Miami this year, let’s hope this isn’t the team’s high point.

Bizarre stat of the week: the item Walmart sells more of than any other is…bananas.

A few years ago, I was able to visit a Dole banana processing plant in Costa Rica. And the guide explained -off the record- that the biggest problem the plant had was no Costa Ricans wanting to do the work there, so they were overloaded with iillegal Nicaraguans who snuck across the border. Hmm, where have I heard that before?

Comments: 3 Comments

Onamatopoeia and beyond.

Posted August 15, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”

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Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.

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The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets

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Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?
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JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.

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A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?

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While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)

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The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.

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This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.

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Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.

Comments: 5 Comments

Eat, pray, love…

Posted August 14, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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The movie “Eat, Pray, Love” opened Friday.

That’s the chick flick. Apparently there will be a sequel for men “Drink, belch, sleep.”

Or the Rick Pitino documentary version “Drink, Stray, Lie.

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Raiders owner Al Davis says Jason Campbell could be another Jim Plunkett. At this point Oakland fans are just hoping he’s not another Jamarrcus Russell.

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San Francisco International Airport now has free wi-fi. So now passengers can go online to see why their flight is delayed.

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from reader T.C. -“When NY Jets holdout Derelle Revis was asked who his mentor was, he replied “Butthead.”

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Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the “Cathy” comic strip, has announced she is ending the strip in October after 34 years. “That’s really awful,” said several million women and about two men.

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The San Francisco Giants picked up Jose Guillen, a “big bat” reputed to have a bad attitude. Manager Bruce Bochy isn’t worried though. If Guillen gets out of line he will have Pablo Sandoval sit on him.

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Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, along with the university president and athletic director, have a hearing Saturday with the NCAA about five alleged major rules violations related to practices and workouts. Considering the Wolverines’ 8-16 record under Rodriguez, the school will argue that keeping him on is punishment enough.

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Things are different in the South. Some Republicans are attacking one of their own candidates in the Attorney General race because she is…divorced. No matter that Pam Blondi is a pro-life, Christian Republican who is also an analyst for Fox News. Wonder if they will “refudiate” Ronald Reagan next?
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized for using the “N-word” on the air several times, saying she was only “trying to make a philosophical point.” I believe the “N-word” that most applies to Dr. Laura is “nitwit.”

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Ben Quayle, son of the former Vice President, has denied then admitted that in 2007 he wrote for a porn site. But he did add that he spelled all his posts correctly.

And hey, in his defense, how many politicians can say they wrote something people actually wanted to read?

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Quayle is also in trouble for a mailer showing him and his wife with two young girls, a mailer that said “We are going to raise our family here.” Turns out the girls were his nieces.

“Give the guy a break, family relationships can be complicated.” noted Woody Allen.

Comments: 2 Comments

Base-brawls etc.

Posted August 13, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto has been suspended seven games for his part in a brawl with the St Louis Cardinals that resulted in at least one injury. No word on if Cueto will be disciplined further by the Reds but apparently he has received at least a tentative offer from the Bengals.

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After an altercation with his father-in-law, Mets closer K-Rod was arrested and charged with criminal assault. After blowing a 9-2 lead in the eighth against the Phillies and losing 10-9, however, wonder if the Dodgers bullpen will be arrested and charged with criminal negligence?-

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On a brighter note for New Yorkers, there’s now a Pop Tarts store in Times Square. For all those folks who would normally go to the Hershey’s store but are on a health kick.

Wonder how they came up with New York for the store. Guess they figured locals have always been looking for some kind of food they could actually toast and eat out of hand for breakfast?

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Okay, some either fascinating or useless baseball trivia, not that those are mutually exclusive. Whether or not they make the playoffs, the Giants lead the majors in Golden Spike award winners (top amateur player in the country.) Buster Posey – 2008, Tim Lincecum -2006, Pat Burrell -1998.

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Another weird baseball item. Today in San Francisco at the Giants-Cubs game, it was a 7-7 game in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, and Andres Torres hits a ball that bounces over the fence. Giants won 8-7. Shouldn’t a ground-rule double make the final score 9-7? (A home run would have made the score 11-7.)

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The U.S. Womens gymnastics team finally received their Olympic bronze medals, ten years after the fact, because the Chinese team was found to be underage. Meanwhile, the young women from that Chinese team have hopes of winning this year’s All-Asia High School Championship.

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The latest craziness in the citizenship wars is the rumor that women are coming here to the U.S. to have “terror babies. All these cute little U.S. citizen babies who will grow up to become terrorists? Doesn’t that at least temporarily describe most American teenagers?.

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Senator John McCain said today that Snookie was “too good-looking to go to jail.” Said former Governor Rod Blagojevich, “hey, that’s MY excuse.”

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Maxine Waters’ grandson has apparently been working as her chief of staff. Many Republicans have been condeming her for nepotism, but not for some reason, our most recent ex-president.

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In California, it looks like both Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman have finally come out against repealing the 14th amendment. While we’re on the subject of amendments, however, many voters would feel more better about both women had they actually been taking advantage of the 19th.

Comments: 2 Comments

Reality, what reality?

Posted August 11, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Let’s get the really tacky one out of the way.. Anyone with delicate sensibilities please skip the first one (although in that case, what are you doing reading this blog anyway?)

Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff.

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New USC coach Lane Kiffin has apparently suspended one of the top stars on his team, freshman running back Dillon Baxter, for the team’s season opener against Hawaii on Sept. 2. Well, that ought to get the spread down under 50.

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Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will apparently be charged with assault after a postgame fight which resulted in his father-in-law being taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Unfortunate, but New York fans knew it had to be a pitcher in that situation…Mets batters couldn’t hit anyone.

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From Marc Ragovin, “I’m not saying Mets manager Jerry Manuel — who is likely to be fired at season’s end — is planning to go out with a bang, but word is he spent all day yesterday playing with his grandkids’ water slide.”

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The jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial might be deadlocked. You know what that means….the former Illinois governor could wind up doing less time than Lindsay Lohan.

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A contractor hired to paint the word “school” on the road near a High School in North Carolina made it a “shcool” zone. Well, I guess that answers that question – “Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?”

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California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China.

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Chris Bosh said he was surprised by the negative reaction to LeBron’s primetime special. “I didn’t really see it coming.” Are you kidding Chris? Even Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming.

Reality show “stars” Michele and Jim Bob Duggars, whose 19th child was born three months premature and almost died, have said they would like a 20th child. “Are you nuts?” commented the Octomom.

(But really, 20? Are they trying to complete a family or win at blackjack?)

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A man has been sentenced to six months in jail for fondling a maternity nurse who was wheeling the man’s pregnant girlfriend to the delivery room. That Levi Johnston sure keeps busy.

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Qantas Airways of Australia posted a 4.3 percent drop (from 117 million down to $AU 112 million), in their annual profit for the year ending in June 2010, Said U.S. airlines… what’s an annual profit?

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Comments: 6 Comments

Things we won’t hear anytime soon…

Posted August 11, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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As we move into the late stages of summer, a few statements we won’t probably hear….

Terrell Owens – “What went wrong with my last team was completely my fault.”

Cubs fans- “You know, waiting until next year probably won’t be any different from this year.

Brett Favre “And that’s my final answer.”

Anyone at Fox News “The President really handled that situation well.”

Sarah Palin “I don’t know the answer and I’m not going to try to fake it.”

Any politician “You know, we have a choice, raise taxes or cut services. Which do you want?”

(more to come, and more reader comments encouraged.)

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At Vikings training camp, Minnesota wide receiver Percy Harvin has been out on leave from practice because of migraine headaches. That’s odd, usually the only people connected with the Vikings with migraines are fans and coaching staff waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind.

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Levi Johnston is apparently running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, as part of a new reality show. This could be the first time since the 2008 election that “Mayor of Wasilla” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.

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Sarah Palin lambasted the LSM (lamestream media) for reporting her confrontation today with a woman in Alaska who had made a “Worst Governor Ever” sign. Why is it that so many people who love to defend the second amendment seem to have a problem with the first?

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The Commerce Department announced today that it is returning to the Treasury $1.6 billion in savings from the 2010 Census, because they came in under budget. Who are the people in charge here… and can we elect them to Congress?

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Jodie Fisher, the woman at the center of the investigation that caused HP CEO Mark Hurd to resign, said it “wasn’t about sex.” Maybe she’d be just a tad more believable if she hadn’t hired the same celebrity lawyer as Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress?

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Reader Gary Morton’s comment on the HP payoffs – A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina….no wonder my HP toner cartridge costs $2,000./each.
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Houston linebacker Brian Cushing tested claims he tested positive for elevated levels of HCG because of he ‘overtrained.” Well at least that’s one problem Washington’s Albert Haynesworth will never have.

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A JetBlue flight attendant finally lost it and dramatically quit his job because of an obnoxious, rude customer. And he has become a national folk hero. Just one question, how long before something similar happens at Starbucks?

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Actually two questions. The police have not yet formally decided what charges to levy against Mr. Slater. And their biggest problem, how are they ever going to find 12 Americans willing to convict him?

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Other airlines watched the Slater story with interest. Wonder who will be the first to consider start using the emergency chute to offer a “priority disembarkation fee?

Comments: 3 Comments

High into the San Francisco Night….

Posted August 10, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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Many San Francisco fans may recognize, “There it goes, high into the San Francisco Night” as a home run call from Jon Miller….

But on a related note? Monday night’s Giants-Cubs game at A T and T Park in San Francisco was also Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead night. Best line of the night, from retired player and current broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, alluding to all the Deadheads at the game, “that’s not fog wafting up to the bridge…”

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Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez.

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Maybe Cushing mean “Overstraining,” as in “Overstraining credibility.”

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NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play a pair of regular-season games in London this season. And we accuse China of exporting poor quality junk overseas..

or

The NBA has announced that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play two regular season games in 2011 in London. So much for David Stern’s promise of having meaningful games in Europe before the 2012 Olympics.

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How can you miss him if he won’t go away department:

Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California.

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Question of the night – You go to a sporting event, it starts on time. You go to a movie, at least the previews start on time. So why is it when you go to a concert, you’re lucky if the opening act starts half an hour after the time on the tickets?

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Jodie Fisher is the reality television and one-time R-rated movie actress, whose lawsuit led to the resignation of HP CEO Mark Hurd. She issued a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred saying,”I was surprised and saddened that Mark Hurd lost his job over this, that was not my intention.” Stay tuned for her next role, on the new show – “Dancing with the Skanks.”

(open note to Ms. Fisher, if you DON’T want to look like a skank and a publicity whore, maybe it would be a good idea not to hire as a lawyer the woman who is most recently known for representing Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress.)

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A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina…. If they really want to help the California economy, maybe Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown should both consider a campaign promise to be both hired and fired as HP CEO, and then give their severance package to the state.

Comments: 4 Comments

Vacations, probations, etc…

Posted August 9, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.

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All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.
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This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

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The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.

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-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.

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In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

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In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.

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The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”

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The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.

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Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”

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President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.

Comments: 2 Comments

Fear of failure?

Posted August 8, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Jerry Rice said at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony that “the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life.” Because he just couldn’t live with the thought of being labeled a failure.

Well at least that we know that fear doesn’t affect anyone on the Cubs.

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Most recently it was Kate Hudson, now it’s Cameron Diaz dating Alex Rodriguez. Considering what a shallow, self-centered egotist A-Rod seems to be, how bad must male actors be to make him look like good relationship material by comparison?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

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You think you had a bad day -how about this pitching line Friday night from losing Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, who came in in the eighth with a 2-1 lead. 0 innings pitched, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 earned runs. Yikes.

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One day after the above Mets debacle, where New York ended up giving in 6 runs in the eighth, Johan Santana pitched into the eighth, and Mets manager Jerry Manuel went immediately to closer Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets won 1-0.

So for at least a day, filming was put off on “CSI- New York Bullpen.”

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As Marc Ragovin said, “how dire are things getting for the Mets? Their games may soon be broadcast on the Emergency Broadcast Network.”

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Despite a dismal past tenure, ranging from poor draft picks, to an $11 million dollar sexual harrassment settlement, to a horrible record as a coach, the New York Knicks have rehired Isiah Thomas as a consultant.

Who gets rehired with that kind of record? Re-elected, maybe.

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The University of Tennessee’s football program is has now joined the list of those being investigated for major violations, mostly for incidents that happened under Lane Kiffin. Kiffin, now at USC, may set a record for coaching at the most schools put on probation before leading anyone to a bowl game.

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At the University of Kentucky, rumors are swirling that star basketball recruit Anthony Davis was paid $200,000 to commit to the Wildcats. UK denies the allegations. And since their coach, John Calipari, only had his last two teams (Memphis and U Mass) have to forfeit their wins on his watch, who could doubt them?

Actually to be fair, $200,000 does sound like an unbelievable amount. For that much money Davis probably would have gone to USC.

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Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA.
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CEO Carly Fiorina, Chairwoman Patricia Dunn, CEO Mark Hurd…. So when did HP turn into BP?

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Fed up with Franken’s facial gestures and eye-rolling, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told Al Franken “this isn’t Saturday Night Live, Al.” Of course not, some of the stuff senators say with a straight face is far funnier.

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s vacation, and the criticism she is facing from some conservatives. If she had said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Spain but decided that this year I stay close to home with Sasha because of the economy,” no doubt some would have condemned her for pessimism and putting a damper on the recovering travel industry.

Comments: 1 Comment

Not exactly the “HP way to go!”

Posted August 7, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Carly Fiorina, the fired former CEO of HP, is now running for Senate in California because she wants to be the Republican version of Barbara Boxer. Does the latest news out of HP mean that Mark Hurd wants to be the Republican version of John Edwards.?

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GOProud, which claims to be the “only national organization supporting gay conservatives, has announced their first annual party “Homocon.” And the event will be headlined by…. Ann Coulter?! Considering all the anti-gay statements Coulter has made, the party will likely be as well attended as a Lebron James pep rally in Cleveland.

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Apparently Mark Hurd, the now former CEO of HP, was “caught” and forced to resign because he falsified expense reports to pay off a female contractor with whom he allegedly had a relationship. Excuse me, the guy made over $24 million in 2009 – he couldn’t have used cash?

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Tacky time. I’ll say one thing for Carly Fiorina, when she screwed HP employees, she kept her clothes on.

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Speaking of tacky,

Famous White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi complained that being interviewed on “The View” was “horrific” and that they wanted to torture her. Not true. The only people “The View” tortures are their viewers.

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USC cornerback T.J. Bryant had to have surgery on his left cheekbone Thursday after an altercation during a drill with a teammate. Guess maybe he should have chosen to play for the Fighting Irish.

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The University of West Virginia football program is being investigated for “major violations,” many of which occurred under former coach Rich Rodriguez before he jumped to the University of Michigan. (where he is also now under investigation.)

Isn’t this like being responsible for your ex-wife’s debts? With the only silver lining being that she is dragging her new boyfriend into bankruptcy too.
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The gift that keeps on giving…. While the San Francisco Giants are leading the NL wild card and are only a game out of first place in the NL West, it doesn’t mean it’s a painless season.

Like reading about the Minnesota Twins’ new ace, Francisco Liriano, who until he got roughed up tonight had been 4-0 since the All-Star break, with a 0.63 ERA while holding hitters to a .168 average.

Why does this hurt? For Giants fans who have repressed the memory, Liriano was a throw-in in the Joe Nathan deal, the one that brought the Giants A.J. Pierzynski.

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From Alex Kaseberg: Newspaper circulations are at an all-time low. To show how low newspaper circulation is, in London they are eating fish and chips off of an Apple lap top.

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And on an actual serious note – congratulations to former Stanford closer Drew Storen, who got his first major league save tonight. Against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Not a bad way to stay popular in the San Francisco area! .

Comments: 2 Comments

Fast food and fast times…

Posted August 6, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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A woman was found guilty of extortion for demanding millions of dollars from Rick Pitino to keep their “close encounter” in a restaurant secret. Pitino said the sex lasted “15 seconds” and was “unfortunate.”

The University of Louisville for now is sticking by their coach, though Pitino may lose endorsement contracts. On the other hand, he stands to pick up a new offer from “In and Out Burger.”

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Taco Bell is introducing new “Cantina” tacos, which they say can compete with street tacos. Yeah, right, the only way anyone is going to get anything approaching real street tacos at Taco Bell is if one of those trucks is parked in their lot.

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Singer Wyclef Jean has filed the paperwork to run for president of his native Haiti. Well, he has more political experience than Meg Whitman.

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Just how crazy are some of the comments Sharron Angle has been making lately? Apparently even Sarah Palin is thinking of “refudiating” her.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Repair crews in Boston will soon be busy addressing the Green Monster.And once Shaq gets fixed up, attention will be given to Fenway’s left field wall”

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A number of billionaires, including Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison and Bill Gates, have pledged to donate half their wealth to charity. Said Meg Whitman, Jeff Greene and Mike Bloomberg, “Does spending it on running for office count?”

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The University of Texas and Notre Dame have agreed to a four-game football series starting in 2015. This is going to be tough. For sports fans outside Texas and South Bend, Indiana, who do they hate and thus root for to lose more?

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Despite mounting evidence against Lance Armstrong, many fans want to believe he was “clean.” Why is it so hard to believe that someone who has an inspirational story can’t also be a cheater? Hey, Bill Clinton grew up a poor kid with a widowed mom and abusive stepfather.

For Canadian readers: This is an unusual year for Toronto sports fans. This year it looks like the Argonauts may actually stay in playoff contention longer than the Blue Jays.

There are now rumors that Brett Favre sent sexy text messages to a young woman who worked as sideline reporter. Hard to believe, it’s not just that Favre is a married man, but if he were going to “sext” another woman, how would he decide which one?

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Last thought for the night on Prop 8, direct quote from Judge Walker’s decision “Religious leaders may determine independently whether to recognize a civil marriage or divorce but that recognition or lack thereof has no effect on the relationship under state law.” Separation of church and state?! What a concept. This could catch on.

Comments: 3 Comments

Lies, damn lies, and propositions….

Posted August 5, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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An open question to all those in favor of Prop 8. Can any gay couple make more of a mockery of the idea of marriage than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston?

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Semi serious note: I just don’t see why conservatives oppose gay marriage. Leave the moral and fairness issues aside and let’s talk money. Married couples pay higher tax rates. And weddings – including the reception and gifts – are expensive, which boost the state economy and bring in more sales tax. More sales tax revenue equals less need for raising income taxes.

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Brett Favre now said Wednesday that he hasn’t decided on retirement, and the decision won’t be about money. Too bad, otherwise there is a chance we could pay him to go away.

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Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run today. “That’s really awesome” said absolutely no one outside New York.

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Two women have been charged with misdemeanors for a fight that led to a brawl during a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.
I guess we can expect felonies when their daughters try out for cheerleading.

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Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth skipped yet another conditioning test and still isn’t allowed to practiced. Haynesworth hasn’t blown off this many tests since he was at the University of Tennessee.

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Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested for shoplifting in New York. It will be interesting to see how Rudy ties this to 9/11.

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In San Francisco, federal authorities today announced the a number of arrests, and seizure of more than 200,000 counterfeit retail items valued at $100 million, in one of the largest such busts ever in Caliifornia, The retailers, many near Fisherman’s Wharf, had been selling Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Chanel labeled items, for a fraction of the cost of the real thing

Local reaction was mixed. 25 percent said the arrests wer warranted, 25 percent said they were unnecessary, and 50 percent said they wished they had known the names of the stores earlier.

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NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says testing players for HGH is about the “integrity of the game.” When a player can be suspended for steroids and go to the Pro Bowl in the same season I would ask “What integrity of the game?”

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Happy Birthday to Barack Obama. Wonder what the over-under was on conservative commentators who both wished him a happy day and once again brought up the issue of his birth certificate? (Open note to all doubters – if he had faked being born in the U.S., trust me, Hillary would have proved it.)

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Meg Whitman said today “In all likelihood I will vote no on Prop. 23,” (the climate change law suspension proposition.) Actually given Whitman’s past history, the first six words of her statement would have been newsworthy enough.

Comments: 2 Comments

Cha-cha-changes…

Posted August 4, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Airlines are already starting to gather “Secure Flight” data, and as of November 1, you won’t be able to get on a plane without divulging your date of birth, full legal name, and gender. I see a lawsuit coming in San F-Francisco. The gender box only has two choices.

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Lady Gaga says that she thinks having sex saps creativity. Well, that certainly would explain all those incredibly intricate and imaginative new video games.

(It also explains some of the amazing things at Comic-Con.)

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Morrie R. Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles snack, has died at the age of 90. In his honor, all the pallbearers will dye their fingers orange.

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Rough night for ESPN. Brett Favre retired again, A-Rod is still stuck on 599, and Lebron James wrote an open letter of thanks to fans in Akron but not Cleveland. The network had so much to cover they barely had time to read the scores.

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Brett Favre will apparently announce later today that he is retiring again. Yeah, well and Larry King has said “forsaking all others” a few times too.
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Brad Childress is dismissing reports of Brett Favre’s latest retirement, saying he has to hear it “from the horse’s mouth.” Considering all the time sports fans and reporters have spent waiting around on Favre, I’m not sure the mouth is the first part of the horse they associate with him.

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Super Bowl-winning quarterback Kurt Warner will apparently be the next former athlete to compete on “Dancing with the Stars. As opposed to Brett Favre who may appear on a show with Lebron James, titled “Dancing with the Decision.”

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Okay, the betting question of the night. Which will last longer? Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety? Or Brett Favre’s retirement?

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Lebron James took out a full page ad thanking the fans in Akron for their support over the years, but he doesn’t mention Cleveland at all. Another proud graduate of the BP School of Public Relations

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In China they are developing a huge catamaran inspired bus that can drive OVER cars. As opposed to San Francisco where Muni drivers just try to drive through them.

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Meg Whitman is likely to spend $150 million of her own money to run for Governor in California. And she may still lose. If this politics thing doesn’t work out she has at least proved herself uniquely qualified to take over the New York Mets.

Comments: 3 Comments

Dog days…

Posted August 3, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

August begins baseball’s “dog days of summer” – when exhaustion is creeping in for most players, but the pennant races are heating up. Which means fans of contending teams can face agonizing games with high hopes and crushing disappointments.

And in Chicago, the unofficial motto now is “August at Wrigley Field – one of the most stress-free experiences in baseball.”
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Ozzie Guillen is making waves, again, by saying that baseball should provide translators for Latino players like they routinely do for Asian players.

But why stop there? Heck, with translators most Americans could have actually understood George W. Bush. And politicians running in the general elections could find one translator for conservative groups and one for liberals. That way they wouldn’t have to come up with two different speeches.

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The Pac 10 is going to change their name to the Pac 12, so as new commissioner Larry Scott says, the conference can be “mathematically correct.” The commish’s next task, explaining to USC players what “mathematically correct” means.

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Quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was expelled from his first high school, and kicked off the University of Oregon team for repeated run-ins with the law, most recently driving on a suspended license and possessing marijuana. He just transferred to Mississippi, which was rated #5 on the top ten list of party schools. What could possibly go wrong?

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Mitch Miller died today at the age of 99. His last wish was to be buried in a round, rubber coffin, so mourners could “follow the bouncing ball.”

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has suddenly started changing her positions on a several issues, from immigration, to climate change, to state furloughs. She said the timing has nothing to do with the fact she is now running a general election campaign, but that because she didn’t vote or pay attention until recently, it took her until now to learn how to act like a politician.

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A survey said cat owners are 40 percent less likely than the public at large to die of heart attacks. But the same benefit is not found from owning a dog.

This could be for one of two reasons – first, that cats are just inherently soothing creatures. Second, that cat owners know that if if the backup plan is counting on a cat for heroism, you had better stay healthy.

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just asking…….

An increasing number of conservatives want to update the 14th amendment to deny “birthright citizenship,” because they feel that the constitution should adapt to the modern immigration problem. In that case can we also look at the modern murder problem, and consider updating the 2nd amendment while we’re at it?

Comments: 2 Comments

A new broom…

Posted August 2, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The SF Giants swept the Dodgers for the first time in San Francisco in six years. How bad are things going for the Dodgers. The loudest people yelling “Dodgers Suck” are calling into Los Angeles talk radio.

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The New York Mets had their Mets Hall of Fame induction ceremony for Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry today, and then went out and lost 14 to 1. Maybe they should have had Gooden and Strawberry suit up?.

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Stuart Appleby won the Greenbrier Classic tournament today with a PGA record-tying round of 59. This was only the fifth round of 59 ever in PGA first, but the second in 2010. (The last golfer to shoot 59 before 2010 was David Duval in 1999.)

So this year, golf scores are falling like Tiger Woods endorsement contracts.

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A CHP video apparently showed Sacramento basketball star Tyreke Evans driving 120-130 mph on California Interstate 80 . Locals are shocked…. you can find room to drive that fast on I-80?

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Former Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was suspended and then kicked off the team for a variety of infractions, ranging from pleading guilty to misdemeanor second-degree burglary, to being arrested after a traffic stop for marijuana possession and driving on a suspended license.

Masoli is now attempting to walk on at Old Miss. Apparently he feels the school and program offer him the best option to start over. And it’s the SEC- where to be suspensioned, you really need a conviction for a felony.

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Coach Houston Nutt has indicated he’s giving Nutt a chance because he really believes in the young man. That and because the Running Rebels had been picked to finish last in the SEC.

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The rich get richer department: The New York Yankees, with their $200 million powerhouse lineup, picked up Lance Berkman at the trade deadline. Really? The Yankees needed another hitter like Tiger Woods needed another mistress.

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Or for those who remember: The Yankees need another high priced hitter like Imelda Marcos needed another pair of shoes.

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Sarah Palin’s latest book is titled “America by Heart.” The subtitle presumably, “Except what you need to write on your palm to remember.”
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Comments: 1 Comment

One wedding…and a potential funeral.

Posted July 31, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The wedding, of course, was Chelsea Clinton’s. The potential funeral, Levi Johnston’s, now that Mama Grizzly has heard embarassing stories leak about TWO ex-girlfriends he apparently got back together with between engagements to Bristol.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was beautiful and touching. Not only did Hillary do the typical mother-of-the-bride crying, apparently Bill cried too. Right during the part where the minister said “If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He was crying that no one spoke up when he married Hillary.

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One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, referred to another of the golfer’s alleged mistresses as “an embarrassment.” We knew Tiger was at least at one time the greatest golfer in the world, but he may have pulled off a more difficult feat – making Bill Clinton look like he had classy taste in women.

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Hillary Clinton wore an Oscar de la Renta gown at Chelsea’s wedding. Apparently no designer mother-of-the-bride pantsuits were available.

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For everyone tired of all the hype regarding Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, there may be some silver lining in the Levi Johnston paternity story. We’re a lot less likely to go through this all again with Bristol Palin.

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Actually, the rumors are that the on-again, off-again Palin-Johnston engagement is off, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Kids, make up your minds.”

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Before the trade deadline the Yankees picked up Kerry Wood. Who pronounced himself thrilled to be heading to the Bronx, and ready to be injured for the post-season.

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The Seattle Mariners set a franchise record by losing 22 games in July. (Even with the All-Star break.) The only team with a worse record this month… BP’s PR department.

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No wonder there are worries about consumer spending and the recovery: The New York Yankees added only $4.8 million to their payroll at the trade deadline.

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From Bill Littlejohn : On Friday night against the Cubs, the Rockies set a record with 11 straight hits.They broke the record held by Michael Phelps on his bong”

Comments: 1 Comment

No crime or misdemeanor?

Posted July 30, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.

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With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)

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Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”

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Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.

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A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

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Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.

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Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.
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On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

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Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

Comments: 2 Comments

“Northern Overexposure,” renewed for another season.

Posted July 30, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

So the “Northern Overexposure” show continues. Soon after the announcement that Bristol Palin is re-engaged to her ex-fiance, and father of her child, Levi Johnston, is facing a paternity test from an ex-girlfriend. Apparently the two reconnected during the time Bristol and Levi were not seeing each other.

The young woman says she “thinks” Levi is the father, but is “extremely embarrassed” because she doesn’t know.

Apparently there are at least three potential dads here. Who knew Levi and Bristol’s potential reality show might be an Alaskan remake of “Mama Mia.”

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And okay, what kind of idiot gets a girl accidentally pregnant, and then doesn’t use condoms? (I never knew Levi had NBA aspirations.)

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A friend posted this quote today. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” — Robert Wilensky, 1996

On the other hand, they do a good job of reproducing the collective tweets of Sarah Palin.

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Poor ESPN. What are they to do? For a lead story on every edition of Sportscenter they won’t be able to decide between updates on A-Rod being stuck on 599 home runs, and Stephen Strasburg disabled list updates….

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Regarding President Obama’s appearance on “the View,” give the guy a little credit for being aware of popular culture. They asked former President George W. Bush what he thought of the View and he replied “I liked the one of the Rose Garden best.”

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Terrell Owens apparently arrived too late and missed his flight to Cincinnati last night. Well, T.O. may or may not still be able to get past NFL safeties, but clearly he’s no match for Delta gate agents.

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An investigation has shown that as many as 6600 graves at Arlington National Cemetery may have been unmarked or mismarked. So apparently they should have been referring to the Tombs of the Unknown Soldiers.

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Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent.

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Buck Showalter was hired today as manager of the Orioles. Well, at least he won’t have to worry about any more criticism for managing badly during the playoffs.

(while Showalter has done well with teams in the past, none of them have won the World Series, and two won it the year AFTER he left.)
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Meg Whitman has said if elected she will run California like she ran Ebay. For starters, instead of an expensive re-election campaign, she’ll just implement a “Buy-it-Now” button.

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According to a recent poll, apparently Meg Whitman’s expensive commercials are largely being tuned out by California voters. Well, if this governor thing doesn’t work out, she may have a job waiting for her as director of programming for NBC.

Comments: 1 Comment

Color me fined?

Posted July 29, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Brian Wilson, the SF Giants All-Star Closer, was fined $1000 for wearing the orange shoes he wore during the All-Star game during the regular season. Apparently the shoes were “too flashy,” and “distracting.”

Let’s hope the MLB fashion police never show up at A T and T Park on Friday night. (When the team ALL has been wearing bright orange jerseys.)

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Actually Wilson violated one of baseball’s cardinal rules. The only time a player is allowed to wear anything colorful and or ridiculous is if that part of the uniform is fully licensed by MLB for sales to the public. (Anyone remember those Fourth of July caps, for starters?)
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Scary thought, Lindsay Lohan has now done more jail time than any Goldman Sachs executive.

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Bad month for the latest former USC star named O.J. First the school strips him from the basketball record books, now today he was cut from Team USA. Guess O.J. just couldn’t convince coaches to hold the Mayo.

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The SF Giants won on a 10th inning walkoff hit, have won 17 of their last 21 games, and Buster Posey is on a 21 game hitting streak (one short of the team rookie record set by Willie McCovey.) Meanwhile, the lead story at ESPN, A-Rod remains stuck on 599 home runs.

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ESPN decided to pull an unflattering profile of Lebron James shortly after it was published on their website today. Apparently the story didn’t come close to making Lebron look as bad as “the Decision.”

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Anyone want to lay odds on what marriage of egos will collapse first? James, Bosh and Wade with the Heat? Or T.O and Ochicinco with the Bengals? Even Larry King has commented that it’s going to be tough for those relationships to last.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Florida’s Chris Coughlan is on the disabled list after injuring himself while throwing a pie in the face of teammate Wes Helms during a celebration.Looks like the Marlins have gone from fire sales to Soupy Sales”

The Governor of New Jersey has slammed “Jersey Shore” as a negative for the state. Can’t wait to see what he says this season about the Nets.

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The news from London, BP is firing their CEO Tony Heyward and sending him to work on a joint venture in Russia. And President Medvedev responded “Wait a minute, what about our mutual non-aggression policy?”

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Republicans are worried about the release of former President George W. Bush’s memoirs, titled “Decision Points,” right around the November elections. Democrats just hope that for their party the memoirs turn out to be a thousand points of delight.

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Republicans claim that the new Democratic National Committee strategy of trying to tie the GOP to the Tea Party is “political quackery.” Well, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

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Dignity, what dignity?

Posted July 28, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell criticized Barack Obama for agreeing to appear on “the View” because he feels “there should be a little bit of dignity to the presidency.” Right, after George W. Bush who gave the German Chancellor a neck rub, and Bill Clinton, who, well, do we really need to go there…?-

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The scandal continues in Bell, California, where top city officials were paid hundreds of thousands a year while the small town cut services and low-wage jobs. Normally the only people who are that overpaid in Southern California have signed long-term contracts with the Dodgers.

(or are named Lane Kiffin)

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Lane Kiffin said he was surprised that the Titans are suing him over his stealth hiring of their former assistant coach, saying “I didn’t anticipate this. No one would have.” Sounds like the Trojans found a true successor to Pete Carroll.

But let’s see here, seriously, Carroll alleges he was perhaps the only person in the world who didn’t know that USC was probably going on probation for recruiting violations. Kiffin now says he might have been the only person in football who didn’t realize he was committing several violations in hiring Kennedy Pola from the Titans.

So is it time to change the name of the school to University of the Seriously Clueless?

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Despite his mother’s having paid an “Unaccompanied Minor” fee, a 9 year old boy travelling from SF was forgotten in a children’s waiting room at O’Hare for almost 8 hours when no one came to pick him up for his Chicago Ottawa flight. Is this what United calls a “minor” problem?

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No word on the rumor that United’s Airline’s alleged first response was “You paid an unaccompanied minor fee…we left him unaccompanied.”

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Baseball players already face derision from players of other sports as not being “real athletes.” While I would disagree with that assessment, it would help if players would avoid injuries while doing things like putting on their shirts and hitting teammates with shaving cream pies.

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Meanwhile on a more serious note, this year, all NFL team locker rooms with have a poster saying that players should report concussions or symptoms, and warning that repeated concussions “can change your life and your family’s life forever.” How about a simpler and more to the point message? “Playing football is hazardous to your health.”
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But okay, once again, who came up with the baseball statistic “Quality Start?” (6 or more innings, 3 or less earned runs.) That’s a 4.50 ERA folks. It’s like saying .250 is a “Quality Batting Average.”

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Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin are apparently going to go on a camping trip to be filmed for an episode of Kate’s new TLC reality show. Wonder what the episode will be titled? “Dumb and Dumber” has already been taken. (My friend Michael Duca suggests, “Twit and Twitter.)
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Ohio State University says former football star Maurice Clarett has been granted admission again to complete his degree after he spent more than three years in prison.

Things will be a little different on campus for the man who once led the Buckeyes to a national championship….wonder if anyone’s told him yet about books and classes.

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