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Poor performances.

November 17, 2010
Charles Rangel was found guilty on 10 counts by the House Ethics Committee. This was shocking news to most Americans – the House HAS ethics?
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Despite stories of Donovan McNabb’s new $40 million contract being guaranteed, the Washington Redskins only have to pay $3.5 million if they cut him at the end of the season.  Translation, Brett Favre has a better chance of playing opening day in 2011 than McNabb.
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Pick your punchline – bipartisan joke.
The Redskins’ being routed 59-28 by the Philadelphia Eagles night…..
a.  Was the most disappointing performance in Washington history, well, since the current lame-duck Congress.
b. Will be the most disappointing performance in Washington history, well, until the new Congress takes over.
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In New Jersey, residents can now buy personalized license plates proclaiming that they are New Jersey Nets fans. Although the DMV has been instructed to give anyone who asks for such a plate a breathalyzer test.
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Actually, there might be one reason to buy a New Jersey Nets plate.  As a ruse to cover up the embarrassment of actually being a Knicks fan.
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A bomb threat Monday at Ohio State resulted in classes being cancelled in three academic buildings and the library being closed. At least that means no football players were affected.
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In the first episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” Sarah showed off a “baby-gate” on the stairs that she said was not only for Trig, but to keep her 16 year old daughter Willow’s boyfriend from going upstairs. Yeah, that worked out so well with Bristol.
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Facebook is starting up an email application. Let’s see, so this means the site could thus be used for both things you post casually to share with hundreds of people, as well as private communications between only you and your closest friends. What could possibly go wrong?
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The makers of “Four Loko”, a sweet alcoholic drink, have announced they will remove caffeine from their product.  Apparently the FDA is planning to ban caffeinated alcoholic beverages as unsafe. Wow. Good thing no one’s ever tried to put whiskey, sugar and cream in coffee.
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Cam Newton of Auburn remains eligible while the NCAA and FBI investigate allegations of him or his family being paid for him to choose a university.  But the Heisman committee may be justifiably afraid of voting for someone who may end up stripped of their trophy.
Meanwhile there’s always Oregon’s LaMichael James, perhaps the best running back in the country.   He’s only on two years probation (legal, not academic) from this past spring, after serving 10 days in jail for harrassing his former girlfriend.
And they wonder why some NFL players seem to think they can get away with anything.
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Carnival Cruise Lines has cancelled all sailings on the Splendour through mid January because of the fire  
The bad news for many travelers, they won’t be spending the holidays at sea with their families. The good news for some travelers, they won’t be spending the holidays at sea with their families.
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Timing is everything:  Lloyd’s Register, the international standards organization for ship classification and design , apparently is working with several companies to look into the feasibility of nuclear-powered commercial ships, including cruise ships.

I can see it now, the Carnival Glow Worm.

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Streak Buster.

November 16, 2010

Congrats to Buster Posey on winning NL Rookie of the Year. And that big collective sigh of relief you hear is all the writers who picked Jason Heyward before the NLDS.

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Posey was the first Giants to win the award since 1975.   A 35 year winless streak.   Wonder if back then Aubrey Huff was wearing a thong over his Pampers?.

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Since 1975, nine Los Angeles Dodgers have won the award. And curiously enough, the ONLY writer who didn’t even have Posey’s name on his ballot at all – Japan’s beat writer for the Dodgers.

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(Had Heyward won, particularly after he disappeared in the playoffs, would it have been considered a rookie mistake?)

Apparently Buster Posey was asked after winning the NL Rookie of the Year award if he would do the “I’m going to Disneyland” commercial. But Posey declined, saying he wanted to wait until he was old enough to go on all the rides.

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CNN asked the question. Is Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” reality TV or a campaign ad? The two, however, are not mutually exclusive.

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How much of a rout was the Eagles-Redskins game? At one point the p.a. system started playing “On Wisconsin.”-

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Before the Monday night game, the Redskin signed Donovan McNabb to a five-year contract extension worth $78 million,  $40 million guaranteed. And then he went out and threw three interceptions in a 59-28 lost to the Eagles.

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So just for one week, Washingtonians of all political persuasions agree the town’s biggest waste of money had nothing to do with Congress.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho :  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress.… That is NFL-speak for, “His ass will be tossed out in the snow any day.”

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Wisconsin coach Bret Bielman denied he was trying to run up the score, even though the Badgers beat Indiana 83-20, and were passing with a 69-13 lead. I guess had they really been trying to run up the score he’d have called fourth quarter “Hail Marys?.”

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Bill Clinton is going to appear in “Hangover 2.” Though for many Americans “Hangover 2” is the thought that another of George Bush’s sons may run for president.

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Actually, I’m confused, didn’t we break away from England partly to get away from a hereditary monarchy?

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Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Wood’s first alleged mistress, decided to finally tell her story to England’s “Daily Mail”   Yes, there was a time when we all thought Tiger’s marriage was on the rocks simply due to one affair.

Just as some naive sports fans believed Brett Favre would only have one retirement.

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Uchitel reportedly told a friend last summer she still wanted to marry Woods.  Let’s put that statement in the category of “Maybe not so smart women, but definitely foolish choices.”

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Alaska GOP senator Lisa Murkowski said she would not support Sarah Palin for President, saying she didn’t think she had “leadership qualities,” or “intellectual curiosity.” Of course, there are dissenters – “Whatever that intellectual stuff was, I never needed it” responded George W. Bush

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Are you ready for some bad football?

November 14, 2010

 The Buffalo Bills will not end up with a “perfect” record this year, since they won their first game today against the Detroit Lions. And to celebrate, the 1972 Miami Dolphins opened a case of really cheap generic beer.

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My friend Douglas Hudson pointed out that the Lions have now lost their 25th straight road game, breaking their own NFL record set in 2001-03.

In this environmentally conscious age, maybe Detroit should just declare themselves the NFL’s first truly “green” team and just forfeit the rest of their road games?  Would save travel costs, the associated “carbon footprint,” plus wear and tear on the players…

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Brett Favre seems to have recovered from his broken ankle, as he was running around the field like looking like a young man Sunday.  Unfortunately for the Vikings,  the young man he looked like was Vinny Testaverde.

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The lights went out for a brief time tonight during the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday night.  Although despite Dallas’s upset win, it was still about a month after the lights went out on the Cowboys’ season.

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A recent survey by the Chronicle of Higher Education found that 30 presidents of U.S. colleges and universities received more than $1 million in pay and benefits in 2008. As opposed to only 61 college football coaches who made over a million in salary alone.

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 San Francisco beat the Rams today in overtime 23-20, despite 14 penalties. Who knew… the secret of success might simply have been for the 49ers to become the Raiders?

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There are now allegations that parts of George W. Bush’s memoir were plagarized from other books and articles. On the brighter side, this might indicate that W. actually reads.

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A British study found that 1 in 10 men say they use the internet primarily to look for porn. The other nine presumably just go online to read the articles.

from Marc Ragovin: 

Bud Selig raised eyebrows the other day when he said that civil war veteran Abner Doubleday invented baseball, despite all evidence to the contrary. Leading Jamie Moyer to say: “I knew Abner Doubeday. I fought with Abner Doubleday. And Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.”

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No, it’s not a typo:

November 14, 2010

Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20. Worst loss in Indiana history. Or at least since Dan Quayle last played scrabble.

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83 points?  Seriously.  Today being the Wisconsin punter was about as relevant as being a caterer at a convention of super models.

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Nick Coombs sent in this stat, the only time the  Wisconsin men scored 83 in basketball last year was against… Indiana.

(For anyone who doesnt follow college basketball, Wisconsin’s basketball team, while usually pretty good,  plays a very defensive style that results in very low scoring games,  even in years when the team is good enough to make the NCAA tournament.)

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The U.S. Post Office lost over $8 billion last year and may have to go to five day a week mail service. Angry Americans plan to start a Facebook and email campaign to “Save Saturday delivery.”
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This weekend New York City is hosting the two-day Quidditch World Cup.  And over 40 broomstick-riding teams are participating.
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Wonder if the championship trophy will be given out by Christine O’Donnell?
But really?  Quidditch?   Even Trekkies are saying “How geeky can you get?”
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NFL priorities: This week the Panthers’ Jon Beason of the Carolina Panthers fined $10,000 for a hit to the head on the Saint’s Marques Colston. Meanwhile Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000, for wearing gold cleats.
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Reader Augie’s comment on David Lee, who compared the pain of  his infected elbow to giving birth. 

“Maybe David Lee’s wife gave birth to a 10lb elbow. Just think if he had gotten his head stuck in a hoop instead.”

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LeAnn Rimes actually  tweeted her best wishes to her ex-husband, who she famously cheated on,  She then added in another tweet “my congrats is from my heart. Sorry if you don’t understand it. I do not need the publicity, I get plenty”

Uh, LeAnn, if you don’t need the publicity, maybe a congratulatory phone call or email might have been better?

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Warning,  the next joke will only make sense to hockey fans.

What’s the difference between the Maple Leafs and the Sharks?  The regular season and the postseason.

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Don’t ask…

November 13, 2010
 (and don’t ask why the font is messed up tonight,  I think it’s gremlins.)
 
Anyway…
 
Cindy McCain has come out publicly in a video supporting gays’ right to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces, while her husband leads the Senate fight to maintain the status quo. Guessing that “What did you do today, honey?” conversations at the dinner table have given way to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”–

This weekend, Americans looking for escapist entertainment can watch a runaway train hurtling straight for disaster. And after the Cowboys game against the Giants, there’s also the movie “Unstoppable.”

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Jerry Jones stated that while he hopes interim coach Jason Garrett does well enough to earn a permanent position with the Cowboys, he had “Super Bowl-winning coaches solicit this job.” Really? I thought it was only NFL players, not sideline staff, who were getting those damaging concussions.

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Brett Favre said the 2011 is definitely his last. Right, and the newly elected Congress will definitely cut spending.

(and the Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl and the 49ers are going to the playoffs, etc…)

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Carnival Cruise Lines may have offer some big discounts next week to entice travelers who might have been scared off by this week’s events. Once they figure out what to title the promotion. Already vetoed – “Fire sale.”

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Former President Clinton gave up a thumbs up review to George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points,” and says everyone should read it. Of course Bill figures then that Americans will miss him more than ever.

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The Miami Heat, despite the presence of Lebron James and his friends Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, are only 5-4, which puts them on track to be one of the most over-hyped and over-rated teams of all time. Now all they need is to change their uniform to include pinstripes.

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Okay women friends and readers, how do you like this quote? It’s from David Lee, who plays basketball for the Golden State Warriors, about his infected elbow that will need surgery? “I know, I know, it’s an elbow scratch, but I was in the worst pain of my life, Now I know what it feels like to give birth”

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“Dancing With the Stars” Judge Carrie Ann Inaba told People magazine that she has a theory why the young woman, who is a relatively mediocre dancer, is in the semi-finals. 

Inaba stated  “Bristol Palin is somebody that I think most of Middle America and regular people can relate to. She is a regular girl with normal problems and issues” and as a result, people can see themselves in her.

Yeah, exactly, regular people get pregnant at 16, have their mom run for national office and have their engagement/breakup/engagement/breakup documented in exclusive interviews with major magazines.  I can see how Middle America would relate.

And don’t all teen moms have day care available anytime they want to give interviews, make speeches and go on reality shows??

 

   

 

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Boise State has a string of three nationally televised Friday night games in a row.  Tonight the Broncos destroyed Idaho 52-14, next week they take on Fresno State, and the following week Nevada.

Not that Boise State isn’t a good team, but shouldn’t this series of games be referred to as “Friday Night Lightweights.

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Tow, tow, tow your boat….

November 12, 2010

This great post title “Tow, tow, tow, your boat,” suggested by reader Gary Morton. And yes, it would make another possible new theme song for Carnival.

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And tonight the Splendor is back in port, having been pulled in by six tugs.  But while the ship’s electrical system may be kaput, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As passengers disembarked they were met by enterprising salespeople with $20 “I survived the 2010 Carnival Cruise Spamcation.”

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The t-shirt titles no doubt have potential too.

“My mom tried to go on a cruise to Mexico and all I got was a stale Pop Tart.”

“Spam, who said one million Hawaiians can’t be wrong.”

“Spam, it’s not just for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore.”

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Actually, a Carnival executive said no passengers were actually fed Spam.  Wonder what they used the stuff for instead.  A substitute for ice carving?

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One lesson from this cruise – be careful (or at least specific) what you wish for. Out of those thousands of people on the Carnival Splendor, there had to be at least one person who said, “You know what I’d really like is to get away from all technology for a while.”

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And a suggestion to passengers on the next Carnival Cruise, currently scheduled for November 21.  Probably not a good idea to be the first person to complain about cold eggs on the breakfast buffet.

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Apparently some passengers were joking that it might be the first cruise they had been on where they actually lost weight.  Just another way that cruise ships are different than the airlines – had some airline executive heard that he’d probably have tried to charge the passengers retroactively for a spa cruise.

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Okay, who’d have bet on this one? The last undefeated team in the NBA this season is the….New Orleans Hornets?!

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And the “Dream Team” Miami Heat are 5-4.  Making them right now possibly the most over-hyped and over-rated star-filled team in the U.S.

“Hey,” said the New York Yankees  “That’s OUR job.”

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Well, one good thing for the NBA out of Lebron’s “Decision.” It makes casual fans like me actually tune into at least part of some regular season games, just in hopes of seeing the Heat lose.

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Carlos Beltran said he would “consider” waiving his no-trade contract if the Mets asked. Actually I believe his precise words were “You can DO that? H*ll, yeah.”

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In a study involving 56 countries, the U.S. placed 31st in producing students with advanced math skills. Responded former President George W. Bush, “Well, at least we were in the top half.”

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Many people connected with “Dancing with the Stars” cannot believe Bristol Palin is still in the competition.  It’s not just that she’s not a great dancer, it’s that they figured that like her mom, she’d quit half way through and declare victory.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Jets kicker Nick Folk didn’t know that his overtime FG had beaten the Lions, admitting that he thought that the Lions would get possession if he made the kick.Meanwhile, the NFL is investigating to see if , during the game,Folk had been exchanging texts with Donovan McNabb”

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The Cowboys and other amateur football.

November 11, 2010

On November 13, Cowboys’ Stadium in Arlington, Texas will host Manny Pacquiao fighting Antonio Margarito for the WBC super welterweight title. For local sports fans who have been watching the Rangers and Cowboys, this may be the first time this month they can cheer for some real hits.

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George W. Bush said it hurt his feelings when Kanye West said he didn’t care about black people. Besides, it’s not true. As President, George W. didn’t care about poor people of all colors equally.

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Now Cam Newton, the Auburn quarterback and Heisman frontrunner, being accused of academic cheating and selling his services to the highest bidder, allegations that might make him ineligible for the award..  Although.many voters say so far these allegations will not affect their decision..

 
Considering the committee just got Bush’s award back, maybe they should start referring to it as the “Interim Heisman.”
 
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While appearing in Dallas with Governor Rick Perry, Sarah Palin started her talk by telling family stories, while saying they were stories she had told before. And she stated “I need to run for office just so I have more material to share in my speeches” Uh, couldn’t Palin also have gotten more material by finishing out her last elected term?
 

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Queen Elizabeth of England now has a Facebook page. Wonder if there was a trace of a royal smile when under family and children she entered “It’s complicated.”

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Super Bowl winning quarterback Jim McMahon said at a Chicago Bears team reunion that he is losing his memory. Bears fans just wish they could lose their memories of Rex Grossman.

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According to ESPN.com, in 2012, the Univ. of Denver, Texas-San Antonio and Texas State will join the WAC, joining Hawaii, Louisiana Tech, Idaho, New Mexico State, Utah State and San Jose State. (Boise State, Fresno State and Nevada are leaving for the Mountain West.) Stand by for the all-new “Who gives a crap” bowl.

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Actually the University of Denver will only join the WAC in basketball, as the school doesn’t have a football team. Undeterred, the WAC will continue to look for another team that would be a good match….although they haven’t heard back from the Denver Broncos.

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Latest Carnival Cruise Line slogan – “Cruising, unplugged.”

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Carnival’s “Fun Ships” may soon offer a whole new range of exciting activities. For starters – Spam carving and as my friend Steve suggested,  skeet shooting with Pop Tarts.

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Meanwhile, as the Splendor gets towed back to San Diego, you know somewhere else off the coast of Mexico, someone else is complaining about runny eggs and limp bacon on the breakfast buffet.

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And over in England,  Later this month, a stage adaptation of the movie “Love Story,” will open in London. And all around the city, men are telling their wives “Honey, of course I’ll get tickets, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather I go shopping with you instead?”

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But seriously, how many married men will voluntarily go to see the play “Love Story?”  Of course, buying tickets and going with their wives may end up being a new way for men to say they’re sorry.

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Bits and pieces.

November 10, 2010

A particularly random collection of thoughts tonight:

First a little NBA news:  The New Orleans Hornets are undefeated.   And tonight’s score from South Beach  – Utah 116 – Miami 114.

Maybe Lebron should have taken his talents to South Louisiana. Or the South Shore of Salt Lake.

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The latest from Alaska, which may soon change their state slogan to “And you thought Florida was weird”:

Joe Miller, the Republican tea party candidate who may have lost to Senator Lisa Murkowski and her write-in campaign, is now filing a lawsuit to invalidate ballots where “Murkowski” was spelled incorrectly.

Um, excuse me, if being able to spell correctly was any sort of  requirement in politics,  this country would never have elected George W.

(or for that matter, Dan Quayle.)

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Charlie Sheen is dismissing concerns about his New York hotel room meltdown, saying it was just “one bad night.” Yeah, by that standard, the Titanic only had “one bad night.”

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Dallas Cowboys fans who visit the team’s website were out of luck for a couple days. According to the Dallas Morning News, the team forgot to renew the dallascowboys.com domain, and the site was left blank. It’s that attention to detail that has made the Cowboys what they are today.

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Regarding New York’s contract negotiations with Derek Jeter, a source purportedly with “intimate knowledge” of the discussions told ESPN – “The Yankees are going to overpay him.” That’s “intimate knowledge”? The Yankees overpay everybody.

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You never know when there might be a silver lining.  Think of the schools who might have dropped out early in the recruiting battle for Auburn quarterback Cam Newton when the price seemed too high.

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Meanwhile at USC they are shocked?  Some other school actually might have outbid them?

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The latest allegations have Newton telling a Mississippi State recruiter that the Auburn “money was too much.”

Who knew that one of the main differences between the NFL and NCAA football might be that the NFL has a salary cap.

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(In all semi-seriousness I can see where this could be going.  Since it’s just rumors at this point, the young quarterback leads Auburn to a top ten season and a  BCS bowl. Fans have a great time.  Then when more details come out the school “forfeits” their wins and goes on probation.   And Newton signs a big NFL contract.   Yeah, that’ll teach them.  

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Go figure, in San Francisco just about anyone can get a medical marijuana prescription. But heaven help you now if you decide to satisfy the munchies with a small cheeseburger and fries and want a free toy to go with that.

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Carnival Cruise Lines’ new slogan? “When you’re hot, you’re hot.”

Or maybe “Row, row, row your boat.”

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It could be worse for those stranded passengers on the Carnival Splendor.  Kathy Lee Gifford could be stuck on board with them.

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Well,  Bristol Palin may not be the most talented on Dancing with the Stars, but at least she has proven she’s not a clone of her mother.  The competition is more than halfway over, and Bristol hasn’t quit yet.

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Meanwhile, Bristol’s mother is battling yet another member of the “liberal media,” this time calling out a reporter, Sudeep Reddy, who questioned her knowledge about inflation, or rather the lack thereof.  Palin accused him of “not reading his own paper.”   Except two things – first, Sarah misquoted the article in question, and second, this liberal paper Reddy writes for  is  the Wall Street Journal.

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Cowboy down

November 9, 2010

The Dallas Cowboys have fired Wade Phillips. No word on Phillips’ next career move but for now he and the rats leaving with him just plan to swim home.

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The Texas Rangers won only one game in five against the San Francisco Giants.  That’s still a better winning percentage than the Dallas Cowboys.

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Jerry Jones has now turned to Jason Garrett in his quest to find a coach who can lead Dallas to the Super Bowl. With all due respect, the way the Cowboys have been playing, it would be a stretch to find a coach who could take the team to a BCS bowl.

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The Dallas Cowboys are 1-7, the University of Texas Longhorns are 4-5. Okay, who’d a thunk the state’s football reputation might rest on the shoulders of the TCU Horned Frogs?

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A Florida woman and her boyfriend have been jailed and charged with trying to sell the woman’s 8-week-old grandson for $30,000. What kind of monster would try to sell a baby. Now a teenager….okay, that would make sense.

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Senator Jim Demint said “The Tea Party is responsible for just about every Republican elected around the country.” As well as the election of more than a few Democrats.

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Stanford is #6 in the BCS standings and the Raiders are actually in the playoff hunt. which means as of now the 49ers are the third best football team in the Bay Area.

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Tim Tebow, who has yet to throw a pass in the NFL, is writing an “inspirational memoir” at the age of 23. 23?!! Now I know what they mean about saying God has a Tim Tebow complex.

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 Tiger Woods is getting VIP treatment and a warm welcome in Thailand, where he is playing in a charity golf tournament. Makes sense -remember “The King and I?” That guy had a LOT of concubines.

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from my funny friend Neil Berliner:  The Mets have named Paul DePodesta VP in charge of Amateur Scouting. He won’t have to look far on that team to find amateurs!

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Auburn quarterback Cam Newton apparently was caught cheating at the University of Florida in 2008 before he transferred to a junior college. Newton allegedly turned in a paper written by another student, and when caught, replaced it with one purchased off the internet.  This is shocking news. Florida football players have classes that require writing papers?

A similar scandal happened a few years ago at Florida State.  Apparently one player turned in an exam book where another student had actually done all the coloring.

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By a nose.

November 8, 2010

Super horse Zenyetta failed in her attempt to be the first racehorse in modern history to go 20-0 when she lost her final race, the Breeder’s Cup Classic, by a nose.   But to be fair, the 6 year old filly was running against 13 colts, and was running on an unfamiliar track in her first race at Churchill Downs.  Zenyetta was probably the only one who stopped to ask for directions.

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Speaking of by a nose, the Oakland Raiders and New York Jets both won in overtime. What’s the more shocking  story, that the Raiders actually had sold out their game against the Kansas City Chiefs?  Or that it took overtime for the Jets to beat the Detroit Lions.

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This is not a typo. Stanford is #6 in the latest BCS rankings. Yes, football.

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What a great week for Northern California sports fans. The Giants win the World Series, Stanford’s football team is ranked #6 in the country, even the Raiders and Warriors are winning.

And oh yeah, for the capper, the 49ers had a bye week.

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The Philadelphia Eagles upset the Indianapolis Colts 26-24, aided by an amazing 32 yard sprint from scrimmage by Michael Vick. I suppose it would be tacky to say he ran as if the hounds of hell were after him.

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MSNBC executives have decided two days was an “appropriate punishment’, so Keith Olbermann will be back on the air on Tuesday. Some of Olbermann’s supporters are so excited they may actually watch his show.

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In the California gubernatorial election, Jerry Brown spent $7.50 per vote. Meg Whitman spent $43 per vote. Just another example of why you can’t trust Republicans to spend responsibly.

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More than one domestic airline today reported problems ranging from  with online checkin to on-time departures because of the change away from Daylight Savings Time.  Yeah, I can see how that would just sneak up on them.

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The airlines hope to have all the problems corrected in time for the change BACK to Daylight Saving Time in Spring. For which they will charge a modest “time change fee.”

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Republican senate leader Mitch McConnell said that Republicans want to cut federal spending, but that it won’t be effective to cut “earmarks,” the practice of slipping funding requests for home-state projects into legislation. Translation, none of us want to cut spending that actually benefits our OWN state.

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Stanford’s football team  is now ranked #6 in the BCS standings.  But due to a deal made by the folks in Pasadena, (whereby the Rose Bowl, this year only, has to take a top ranked nonconference team if they don’t make it to the national championship, ) the Cardinal could lose out to TCU or Boise State for the Rose Bowl.

And while there are three other BCS bowls, the Sugar, Fiesta and Orange Bowls, since they can choose one team each, they would likely bypass Stanford and  choose lower ranked marquee name teams .

So all this means  Stanford could win out, be ranked #3 in the country, and end up at the Alamo Bowl. Just in case you didn’t hate the BCS already.

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Age and treachery….

November 7, 2010

 

It’s been a great week for Joe Paterno. Not only did he become the first Division 1 NCAA college football coach to win 400 games, he got to see that “nice young man” become governor of California again.

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During a press conference after his 400th coaching victory, Penn State’s Joe Paterno, 83, said “People ask me why I stuck around so long.” and gestured to the fans. Well, the fans plus the fact Paterno doesn’t remember his way home anyway.

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This morning America turned the clock back one hour. Big deal, in California’s gubernatorial election, we turned the clock back thirty years

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So after the most recent elections, California’s senators will be Barbara Boxer, who turns 70 on November 11, and Dianne Feinstein, age 77.  And governor-elect Jerry Brown is age 72. 

Or as John McCain says, “Nice young people, but in these tough times, do they have enough maturity and experience?

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Michigan 67 – Illinois 65.  Somewhere Bo Schembechler is rolling over in his grave. (for anyone who doesn’t remember Bo, he was a major practitioner of the “three-yards and a cloud of dust” offense. 20 points would have been a offensive explosion.)

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During that Michigan-Illinois game, it was 59-59 before the third overtime.  And the the ESPN announcer said that fatigue was becoming a factor, especially for the defenses. How could the defenses be tired? They hadn’t done anything.

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Silly World Series commemorative of the night.  Bradford Exchange is selling a $199.00 carousel music box featuring A T and Park, the World Series trophy, and the Giants logo.  The box plays “Take me out of the ballgame.” 

You’d think they would at least have the option of “Don’t Stop Believing.”

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It’s five days after the last game of the World Series, so we have reached the period of time in which free agents are able to negotiate with any club. Or as the Yankees call it – “shopping season.” 

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Go figure this one. After Arizona had an impressive no-huddle one minute drive to get back in the game against Stanford late in the third, the Wildcats got the ball back with about 12 minutes in the fourth quarter.

Arizona then not only then ran a slow drive with a lot of running plays to get to within 18 points,  the Wildcats didn’t go for an onside kick with nine minutes left in the game.

Maybe they thought the game had five quarters?

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From Bill Littlejohn,  after a collision during a Wisconsin high school cross-country meet between a deer and a sophomore named Sarah Glidden: “The deer was listed as a Jane Doe.’’ . .  

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For anyone who still cares about one-time ‘Bachelor’ fiancee Vienna Girardi, she hosted the Chippendales’ Ultimate Girls Night Out in Las Vegas Friday night.

And this is the woman who broke up with Jake because he was a “publicity whore?

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Top 10 things Meg Whitman could spend her next $150 million on…

November 6, 2010

10. A baseball team.  She may not win, but she’s likely to come closer than the $165 million payroll Chicago Cubs.

9. A new ballot proposition in California – change elections to include a “Buy it Now” button.

8. Just give $5 to every man, woman and child in California on a debit card.  If they all spend locally it could actually help the economy.

7. Hire really good hitman for whichever political consultant told her “don’t worry about your ex-housekeeper,” it’s old news and no one will care.

6. Buy governor’s job in 4 or 5 smaller states and take turns running them.

5. Buy congressmen and women in smaller states and run them that way.

4. 160 million lottery tickets – at least that way she’d be likely to win SOMETHING.

3. Have an autobiography ghost-written, buy up enough copies to be number one on New York Times best seller list.

2.  Go on Craigslist. Make many many attempts at trying to buy a clue.

1. Buy some small island and set herself up as Queen Meg for life.

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Orange haze…

November 6, 2010

Orange Haze:  That’s what happened to most SF Giants’ fans October.   (How did it get to be November already?)

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When a Dallas radio station asked Jerry Jones if Wade Phillips will finish the season as Cowboys coach, the team owner responded – “Yes.” Of course, the way things are going, the Cowboys’ season will be officially over in about two weeks. 

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Two players on the New England Patriots were fined by the NFL for their hits last week on Brett Favre. In addition, they may be charged with elder abuse.

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Now that they’ve won the World Series, the SF Giants will eventually end up making a trip to Washington D.C. to meet President Obama.  And Aubrey Huff will almost certainly end up bringing his red sequined rally thong. Which will be thus become the most famous thong in the White House since… oh, do I even need to finish this one?

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With a 96-93 victory, the New Orleans Hornets took their turn tonight at being part of what will become one of the most popular headlines in America this fall and winter outside of Miami – “”Fill-in-the-blank-team’ CAN beat the Heat.”

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Zenyetta, the super mare who is 19-0 and will finish her racing career in the Breeder’s Cup Classic on Saturday, is apparently a Guinness fan, which she will drink from a bowl. 

In fact, the brewery has invited the mare and her trainer to Dublin for her favorite beer fresh from the tap if she wins the race.

If she does win, however, does this mean Guinness could be classificed as a performance enhancing drug?

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R.I.P Jill Clayburgh  My favorite lines from “Silver Streak,”, in which she plays a woman being hit on in the bar car by a drunk jerk:

“Are you hot?
  What?
  I said, are you hot?                 
  Lady, I am always hot.             
  Maybe I can cool you down.”

And she pours an iced drink down his pants.

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All these writers and media types talking about the Giants dumping their World Series MVP Edgar Renteria…. Makes a good story but it’s WRONG. All the Giants did was decline to pay him  the club option $10.5 million for next year.

Renteria, who at most would play part-time, can still sign with SF at a reduced price, and may well do so if he doesn’t retire.

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A colloborative effort mostly written by Bill Littlejohn:    Recently “to honor America,” Major League Baseball has been playing “God Bless America” during the seventh inning stretch of playoff games.

So wonder if next year the SF Giants will honor their ace pitcher Tim Lincecum by playing “Toke me out to the ball game.”

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The latest to “fear the beard” – NBC censors.

November 5, 2010

 “The Machine” joined Brian Wilson on the Thursday’s ” The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  Even Conan said, “Okay, now that’s twisted.”

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Apparently there was talk of censoring “the Machine,”  until the powers-that-be realized no one was really watching the Tonight Show any more anyway.

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Good thing Wilson chose baseball over football. Tonight’s appearance would have guaranteed a fine from the No Fun League.

(assuming anyone reading this is familar with “the Machine.”  For his origins, google “Brian Wilson” and “Chris Rose” interview.  Maybe without children under 10 looking over your shoulder.)

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They’re still cleaning up from the parade and celebration in S.F.  But says T.C.  – “At least the field at A T and T Park isn’t frozen over, like it would be at Wrigley if the Cubs ever won.”

Actually, my friend Alex Kaseberg had a great joke on the same topic:

“Isn’t the San Francisco Giant’s AT&T Park beautiful? I’d say it is as beautiful as Chicago’s Wrigley Field in late October, but nobody has ever seen Wrigley Field in late October.”

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Longtime New York Mets clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels has been suspended due to allegations of illegal gambling.   So far, however, the allegations,  are only for betting on horse racing and football, not baseball.  Makes sense, who in their right mind would bet on the Mets?

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Considering how many Americans seem to think the new Congress will just waive a magic wand and fix everything, it’s surprising more of them didn’t vote for someone who had at least dabbled in witchcraft.

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For the last three elections, especially in Congress, many Americans have voted for “change.” Translation “make MY life better.” Wonder how long it takes them to discover that this latest group of electeds won’t instantly make that happen. Stand by for another vote for change in 2012.

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After Tuesday’s elections, President Obama offered the Republicans a post-election olive branch. John Boehner offered one back, tipped with curare.

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Bristol Palin apparently was too busy to vote in this election. Does this mean that when she’s done with all these reality shows Sarah’s daughter plans to run for Governor of California?

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Actually, Sarah Palin didn’t take the news too badly.  Of course the bar has been lowered a bit when Bristol says “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

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George W. Bush will apparently appear on “Oprah” to promote his memoirs. The former President has now joined an exclusive club – those who have written a book before they read one.

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One definite bit of good news about SF Mayor Gavin Newsom’s election as Lieutenant Governor. No one will be able to accuse him this time of focusing on a campaign for his NEXT elected office and neglecting his duties. (The California Lieutenant Governor doesn’t really have any.)

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The NCAA has dropped one of the serious charges against Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, and only added one year of probations to the team’s self-imposed punishment. Apparently looking at the Wolverines’ record lately, the NCAA couldn’t see that the school had gained any advantage from the infractions.

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Now what…

November 4, 2010

 Now that the playoffs, World Series and parade are over, Giants fans are being asked “What are you going to do next?” Well, laundry for starters.

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And San Franciscans who miss their near daily dose of torture will now have to wait until the next 49ers game.

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Although they lost the World Series, credit should be given to the Texas Rangers. They played meaningful games longer into the fall than the Cowboys.

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 Giants closer Brian Wilson is scheduled to be on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on Thursday night. Depending how this works out Wilson could be the most famous beard in America, well, other than Katie Holmes.

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There was a huge turnout for the SF Giants’ victory parade on  Wednesday, which wasn’t surprising, since the team hadn’t won the World Series since 1954.

Which curiously enough was about the same year Jerry Brown was sworn in for his first term as Governor.

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Meanwhile, some pundits seem surprised that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina haven’t announced what their future political plans might be.  But let’s be fair, a day after the election?  Meg and Carly probably haven’t even figured out if they are going to vote next time.

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There is a terrible Chase commercial running these days about a wedding couple in bad, talking about waiting all day for this. “This” being taking pictures of their gift checks with their camera phone, and depositing them in their Chase account.

It’s almost enough to make you miss political commercials.

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Well, now we know that Christine O’Donnell is really not a witch. Because even a mediocre witch should be able to cast a spell to change 50,000 or so votes.

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Carly Fiorina FINALLY conceded the California Senate race this morning, about 12 hours after all major networks called the race. She complained that she “couldn’t overcome the Democrats’ registration advantage.” Wonder how much of that “advantage” is due to the fact that people like Fiorina don’t register to vote until they run for office?

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From Marc Ragovin : “Meg Whitman’s new theme song “Can’t buy me gov.”

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So will the documentary about the 2010 campaign season, outside the West, be known as “The Hunt for Red November.”

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In his memoirs, George W. Bush said that, upset with media reports that he was justa puppet, he considered running without Cheney in 2004. But W. he asked permission, Dick just told him no.

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W. also said that the lowest point in his presidency was being criticized by Kanye West (who called him a racist.)   So, okay,  the former most powerful man in the world doesn’t quite have the maturity of Taylor Swift.

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They’re over….

November 3, 2010

The 2010 baseball season and the 2010 election.

Despite spending  $161 million, including $141 million of her own money, Meg Whitman finally conceded late Tuesday night. She told her supporters that they had been part of something important.

Meg may not be ready to be Governor, but she now might be more than qualified to be GM of the Chicago Cubs. (who spent $161 million, and didn’t even come in second.)

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Congrats to California Governor-elect Jerry Brown, on returning to the office after 28 years. There was just one embarassing moment, when Brown called New York Governor-elect Cuomo and said “Can’t wait to work with you again, Mario.”

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CNN says that Harry Reid’s victory is a testament to his ground game in Nevada. Really? I thought it was a testament to the fact his opponent was a fruitcake.

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And while Democrats and moderates were disappointed with the national results, at least there is one solace – now it’s John Boehner’s turn to herd cats.

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Political newcomer Rick Scott spent $73 million of his own money and won the Governor’s race in Florida. Looks like Meg Whitman, for all her Ebay experience, bid on the wrong state.

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Christine O’Donnell gave a defiant concession speech tonight in Delaware.  And then accompanied by her flying monkeys she flew home.

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Back to baseball, commission Bud Selig wants two more teams in the playoffs because he thinks it would be “more fair.”

Translation, ANYTHING to have the Red Sox, Yankees, Dodgers or Cubs have a better chance to get in and boost television ratings.

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The Prop 19 watch party is apparently a calm mellow get-together Tuesday night. Supporters, however, are getting ready for an energetic turnout at the polls on Wednesday.

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Meanwhile on November 2, Jamarcus Russell was working out for the Redskins. Isn’t election day in theory when we kick the bums out of Washington?.

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The Orlando Magic-New York Knicks game was postponed tonight because asbestos fell from the rafters at Madison Square Garden. Normally the only toxic thing at the Garden is the play of the Knicks.

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Great stat from my friend Michael Duca.   Pat Burrell has more World Series rings (2) than World Series hits. (1, none this series.).

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This just in from A T and T. Pigs were seen flying around the ballpark.

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Meanwhile in Dallas, they still have the Cowboys.

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We are the champions, of the world….

November 2, 2010

Well, the U.S. and Canada anyway.

SF Giants’ first World Championship in 1954.

Curiously enough, that was Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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This isn’t like some twisted episode of Dallas, is it? Where we wake up tomorrow and find out it was all a dream.

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Two reasons for folks in Northern California to celebrate. 1 – The Giants just won the World Series. 2. After tomorrow we are DONE with Meg Whitman commercials.

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Jerry Brown, Edgar Renteria. It’s shaping up to be a good November for re-treads.

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Actually the Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954.  Coicidentally the same year that Jerry Brown was first eligible for Social Security.

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Brian Wilson quoted as saying that tonight the Giants will celebrate and “get a little weird.” Now, I am a major Brian fan, but in his case, mission already accomplished.-

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Edgar Renteria, a charming man even with limited English. Asked about his World Series home run, he said (Lee) “tried to throw me a cutter and the ball no cut.”

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Interesting, in their interviews, more of the SF Giants thanked the fans than thanked God.

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Fox announcers keep talking about the Giants having not won a World Series since 1954. Or as Cubs fans call it “Only yesterday.”

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Fox executives were unhappy with the low ratings for the World Series. Well, maybe if they ever put anyone but the Yankees and Red Sox on the “Fox Game of the Week” during the regular season, sports fans might be more familiar with, and more interested in watching, the teams that were actually playing.

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Giants Fever is sweeping San Francisco. Some folks who have jumped on the bandwagon were so excited they actually watched some of Monday’s game. –

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Nolan Ryan’s ceremonial first pitch before Game 3 of the World Series was clocked at 68 mph.  Which is still almost twice as fast as Tim Wakefield.

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Ironic to see W. in the stands Sunday night. Because the Rangers’ “shock and awe” hitting lineup ran smack into “Operation Bumgarner.

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Another irony, George W. Bush’s dream job was to become Commissioner of baseball. And while I am hardly a W. fan, he does love the game, and knows it pretty well, despite having traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.

But can you imagine how different the world would have been had he gotten that job?  Not only would America not have had a Cheney presidency, we wouldn’t have had to deal with Commissioner Bud Selig either.

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After being unloaded by the New England Patriots, Randy Moss was now cut by the Minnesota Vikings after he ripped the team in news conference. At this point another NFL GM would have to be stoned to gather Moss.

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The SF 49ers are a disappointing 2-6. But they have won one more game than the Dallas Cowboys.

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Halloween destiny?

November 1, 2010

When you think about it, orange and black should rule on Halloween. Go Giants. 

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Actually “Day of the Dead” is Monday in Mexico. But it sure described the Rangers’ hitters on Sunday night.

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George H.W. Bush and George Bush came in on a cart to throw out the game four first pitch. From left field. Might be only time in their life they were on the left of anything.

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The only bad part of a glorious night for Madison Bumgarner and Buster Posey? The game got over so late they missed trick or treating.

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Buster Posey says he’s been a “baseball fan since I was little.”

What was that, last week?

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Okay, how bizarre is this? “The Simpsons” and Madison Bumgarner are the same age. Both born in 1989.

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Nothing against “God Bless America.” But requiring it at EVERY 7th inning in the post-season is making me root for the Toronto Blue Jays in 2011.

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Robocalls are stupid at the best of times. Robocalls during the World Series are a good way to get voters to vote against your candidate or cause.

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Remember that story about the construction worker burying a Red Sox jersey in the concrete at Yankee Stadium?  (The shirt was found and removed after the story leaked out.)

You have to wonder, who successfully buried what in the concrete at the new Cowboys stadium?

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Today’s sloppy game between the 49ers and Broncos in London did do one thing for British sports fans.  Helped convince them that they are right to have soccer as their national sport.

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A quote I remembered watching clips of the Jon Stewart rally, from Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts.  Who knew Charles Schultz might so accurately predict today’s political climate:

“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”

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The 0-7 Bills have lost their last two games in overtime.  Shame they aren’t in the NHL – forcing overtime but losing the game still gets you a point!

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Halloween eve.

October 31, 2010

The Giants lost to the Rangers 4-2 in game three of the World Series.  Given the lousy ratings, Fox may be have been disappointed.  Once the series is over the network can show “Glee” and “House” reruns.

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You can’t make this stuff up – At a Nevada rally for Sharron Angle, John McCain, referring to the hotel room Reid keeps in D.C, said that on Election Day “we are going to kick Harry Reid out of his penthouse at the Ritz Carlton.” This from the man who couldn’t remember how many houses he has.

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Caifornians who voted the first time for Jerry Brown for Governor are wondering “Would Linda Ronstadt come back and sing at his inaugural?” Those voting for Brown for the first time are wondering “Who’s Linda Ronstadt?”

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Hundreds of thousands of people in D.C. for Jon Stewart’s rally. This weekend might be a record for the number of times “Washington” and “sanity” are used in the same sentence.

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And okay, not that it really matters who your fans are in baseball.  But tonight’s crowd at the Ballpark at Arlington might have made a Tea Party rally look diverse.

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How improbable is it though?  The Giants are still up 2-1, and their cleanup hitter, Pat Burrell, doesn’t have a hit in the World Series, and has struck out eight of nine at bats.  Including four times tonight.

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And the worst part of tonight’s performance, Burrell didn’t want to DH because it would have affected his hitting.

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But okay Giants fans, thinking of REAL torture, here’s a memory for you – Shinjo at DH.

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(Burrell does, however,  have two walks.  Another beautiful aspect of baseball.  When you really feel like you suck at hitting, there is always the option of daring the pitcher to have a worse day than you are having.)

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Another day, another “One day only sale” flier from Safeway. When  did the grocery store turn into Macy’s? 

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What’s the difference between theTexas Rangers and the U.S.?  Well, at least with the Rangers most everyone agrees that they are much better off without George W. Bush in charge.

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Decisions, decisions.

October 30, 2010

Minnesota coach Brad Childress said he will not decide until Sunday who will be the Vikings starting quarterback. Which means millions of sports fans around the world can now enjoy the delightful idea of Brett Favre thinking “Ah come on, can’t you just make up your mind?”

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It’s only a few days until the election. Christine O’Donnell, however, is not planning to campaign on October 31. Since it’s a religious holiday.

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Houston Texans owner Bob McNair had the team’s locker room searched to make sure no players were using banned PEDs. (performance enhancing drugs.) 

Well, at least we know Rangers owner Nolan Ryan won’t be needing to do that for any members of his bullpen.

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In fact,  Nolan Ryan will throw out the first pitch for game 3 of the World Series in Texas. And then Rangers coach Ron Washington has asked him to go immediately to the bullpen to be ready to warm up.

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MLB commissioner Bud Selig denied any disappointment with the Giants-Rangers World Series matchup, despite early low ratings.  He added “I know FOX was happy and we were happy.” Right, and the performance-enhancing drug era in baseball is over.

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So let’s see, the favorites to play in the World Series were New York and Philadelphia, two major East Coast media markets.   With A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Ryan Howard, and Roy Halladay.

And the end result was two teams with few players casual fans outside of SF and Texas recognize,  except maybe “the pitcher kid with the hippie hair,” and Josh Hamilton.

So sure, FOX was thrilled.  That’s about as likely as after the Series the network’s doing a show on the “major first term accomplishments of Barack Obama.”

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A t-shirt in Texas takes aim at Aubrey Huff’s “rally thong” by proclaiming “In Texas, only the players’ wifes wear thongs.”  Well, considering the way the Rangers hit in games one and two, maybe they should consider a “Victoria’s Secret” run.

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There’s no love lost between Sarah Palin and Senator Lisa Murkowski. Said Palin, who said it was “shameful” for Murkowski to run as a write-in candidate. “Let’s call her the candidate for the entitlement party.” Guess Sarah is particularly upset since she’s the chair of that entitlement party.

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In only a few days Americans will finally get a break from political commercials. This break should last until the 2012 commercials start, which should be at least at least a few weeks.

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Roger Goddell said the NFL is seriously considering expanding to Europe.  In San Francisco fans are suggesting, why don’t they just keep the 49ers there for a few years?

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