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When bad things happen to good quarterbacks…

December 7, 2010

Peyton Manning is saying that the Indianapolis Colts’ inexplicably bad season is his fault. Unreal, Peyton’s not blaming the media? Or the President? Surely some of this is Obama’s fault….

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Mark Sanchez had one of those nights where he had to wish he was still back at USC.  Especially this year, as since the Trojans are on probation.  And he wouldn’t have had to play in December.

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R.I.P Don Meredith, as my friend Alex Kaseberg said “with him around you could actually tolerate Howard Cosell.”

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Not only would “Dandy Don” Meredith have been singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” during Monday Night Football’s Jets-Pats game, he would have been singing it at halftime.

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Newt Gingrich has indicated he is interested in running for President in 2012. 

So let me see if I have this straight.  Newt’s had three marriages, (and each time being involved with the next wife while married to the current wife), plus he was reprimanded while Speaker by Congress for ethics violations. 

Sure, I can see why he’d be the darling of the family values conservatives who want to restore faith in the Presidency…,

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Another reason to want a college football playoff: Oregon and Auburn now have to wait FIVE weeks for their BCS Championship Game. Five weeks??! Some of the players will get so bored they may actually go to class.

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And the national championship will pit Auburn, with its controversy regarding Cam Newton, vs Oregon, with its leading running back, LaMichael James, on probation for a domestic violence incident. Makes a certain amount of sense that the stadium is sponsored by that hallowed institution, the University of Phoenix.

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Jayson Werth – a seven year $126 million dollar contract for the Nationals? With that kind of overspending, are we sure Congress wasn’t involved?

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The University of Connecticut must sell 17,500 tickets to the Fiest Bowl, or have to pay for the tickets themselves.    This is a variation on a thought from yesterday, but maybe they should double the price of men’s and women’s basketball tickets, and include a bowl game ticket for free?

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Latest in the “It’s all relative department”: Tiger Woods lost a four shot lead, and then lost the Chevron World Challenge to Graeme McDowell in a playoff today. But Tiger still probably had a better first weekend in December than he did last year.

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Reader Augie sent this great “quote” in,  a supposed retort from Bristol Palin to Margaret Cho: “If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.” 

Okay, a show of hands please from everyone who thinks Bristol wrote that.

Okay, how about a show of hands from everyone who thinks Bristol, age 20, even knows who KD Lang is.

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Bowls and bowled over.

December 6, 2010

 Well, today’s game against the Buffalo Bills is likely to result in Brett Favre’s fewest interceptions of the season, since he was knocked out of the game after his first pass. (Which was, curiously enough, intercepted.)

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Many in the media are questioning whether the Vikings stuck with Brad Childress too long, with interim coach Leslie Frazier now 2-0. Although with today’s 38-14 win over the Bills after Brett Favre was knocked out early, maybe Childress isn’t the only one Minnesota has stuck with too long.

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Giants 31, Redskins 7. Well, as long as Dan Snyder is around, Barack Obama never has to worry about being the most unpopular man in Washington.

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Owner Jed York predicted the 49ers would make the playoffs this year.  Playoffs?  San Francisco isn’t even likely to end up with a record that would make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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NFL union has told players to prepare for a lockout. If so, Stanford fans are more than happy to prepare for seeing Andrew Luck return for another year.

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Four interceptions today for Peyton Manning? Guess he really does think he’s the next Brett Favre.

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Anyone left to doubt the value of television viewers over fans and ticket sales as far as Bowl Games?  Distance between Bradley International Airport (Hartford, Connecticut) and Miami 1194 miles. Distance between Bradley and Phoenix, 2213 miles.

Distance between San Francisco Airport and Phoenix 651 miles, Distance between SFO and Miami, 2585. 

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The Big East and U Conn had lobbied the Orange Bowl heavily to pick their team, to no available. Maybe the Huskies should have offered to have their women’s and men’s basketball teams play at halftime.

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Another reason, besides geography, that Stanford should have been in in the Fiesta Bowl. Would have made sense that the bowl sponsored by Tostitos should have a team from the state that almost legalized marijuana.

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On the other hand,  I can see the Orange Bowl’s point.  Temple, 8-4, was denied any bowl bid whatsover, due to their weak schedule.  And one of those eight teams they beat?  Big East champion Connecticut.

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Delaware Republican Christine O’Donnell set a state record by spending more than $6.1 million in her losing Senate campaign against Democrat Chris Coons.

And Meg Whitman said “Damn, I tried to buy the wrong state.”

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Amateur sports?

December 5, 2010

Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they’re paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers.

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This could be the year for two BCS winners. Auburn if they beat Oregon. And then the Ducks when the NCAA finally gets around to disqualifying the Tigers after the game.

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And tomorrow the BCS picks will be announced. But instead of going by rankings, the postseason bowls will pick largely on economic factors – how many tickets a team will sell, and how much of a television audience they may attract.

In related news, the New York Yankees have asked Bud Selig to consider a BCS type system.

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On a lighter note, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats mascot was ejected from the game between the Bearcats and Pittsburgh, for throwing snowballs at fans in the stands. On a brighter note, since he hit his targets, he was immediately then offered a tryout with the Bengals.

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Jeb Bush called Sarah Palin “fantastic.” Based on this definition from Merriam-Webster I’d have to agree with him: 1a: based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief.

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The San Jose State Spartans finished off a woeful football season by losing 26 to 23 to Idaho State in overtime. About the only silver ling for San Jose fans.  None of that Sharks postseason letdown.

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San Francisco Giants (and Brian Wilson fans) rejoice:  “The Machine” is back. Pat Burrell resigned with the SF Giants for $1 million without an agent, saying he had made plenty of money and wanted to remain a part of “something special” with his hometown team. Upon hearing the news Derek Jeter just giggled.

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The University of Kentucky has resubmitted their basketball eligibility case for Enes Kanter, who was ruled ineligible for receiving excessive benefits while playing for a club team in Turkey. The school is arguing that like Cam Newton, Kanter was unaware there was an amateurism violation. Translation: if you pretend to believe Auburn’s B.S., why not ours?

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Skid marks.

December 4, 2010

The recently reeling Los Angeles Lakers discovered the cure for a four game skid: It’s called “Play the Sacramento Kings.”

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Apparently Lebron James soured his friendship with former Cavaliers teammate Dennis Gibson with his trash talking during the game Thursday night. Amazing. There was someone left in Cleveland that Lebron hadn’t alienated already?

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Amongst the many points of contention between the NFL owners and players is the potential overall economic impact of a lockout. Yet another sad chapter in the ongoing war between millionaires vs. billionaires.

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Officials from the New York Thruway said they could have done better job dealing with snow after hundreds of motorists were stranded on the road for several hours near Buffalo.   A better job?  Ya think?

Who are these guys, moonlighters from the Bills coaching staff?.

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No one was hurt at Minneapolis-St. Paul Aiport when a Delta Airlines jet slipped off the runway at  during a snow storm.  

Next up for Delta, a snow tire surcharge.

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The Disney-created town of Celebration, Florida had its second violent death in less than a week when a man turned his gun on himself after a police standoff. Although no statistics are available on the number of suicides from people faced with the idea of riding “It’s a Small World” one more time.

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A New York source tells the media that the last obstacle to Derek Jeter and the Yankees finalizing a contract is Jeter’s refusal to accept the fact he is 36 years old and not 26. When he figures it out, maybe he can tell Brett Favre?

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More on that 2022 World Cup:  How did FIFA pick Qatar, with its 118 degree temperatures for the World Cup? Curiously, 118 degrees is also allegedly the temperature at which vuvuzelas melt.

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While some in the U.S. cried foul at the World Cup selection process, rumor has it that FIFA just laughed and said they weren’t even in the same league as the BCS.

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George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” is outselling Sarah Palin’s “America by Heart.”  Makes sense – while they have overlapping fans W’s came out first, which means by the time Palin’s memoir came out, folks had already bought their book for the year.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Comments: 1 Comment

Random randomness.

December 3, 2010

Jamie Moyer, 48, just had Tommy John surgery but will attempt a comeback in 2012. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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Qatar won the World Cup bid for 2022.

That’s Q-A-T-A-R.     No U (or S).  

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The U.S. spent millions of dollars on its unsuccessful 2022 bid.  Apparently FIFA was undeterred by the money, and the promise of hundreds of fans at each game.

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On the other hand,  the average temperature during the day in Qatar during the time of year that the World Cup is played – 118 degrees..

At least this time when players flop, they’ll be doing it for a reason.

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118 degrees for an outdoor sporting event?  This could be even worse damage done to a sport by the heat since Lebron left for South Beach.

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NCAA President Mark Emmert said he was aware of the outrage regarding their Cam Newton decision, and vowed to fix the loophole. Right, either after South Carolina upsets Auburn Saturday, or after the BCS Championship game. Wonder how these kids get the idea it’s all about money….

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Of course, any final decision on Cam Newton’s eligibility will come only after discussion with the SEC – or as Augie says – “the Southern Ethics Committee.

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John McCain has been criticizing President Obama as “inexperienced.”  But by McCain standards, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre are inexperienced.

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NASA has discovered a new form of life that can thrive on arsenice.  I can see it now, “Honestly, your honor, I wasn’t trying to kill my husband, I thought he was an alien.”

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Bristol Palin lashed out at Keith Olberman for calling her a hypocrite, saying that’s an “old canard.” Shocking. Who taught her the word “canard?”

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Snow could shut down the city of Buffalo for the remainder of the week. And even worse news for sports fans, since the Bills are playing in Minnesota, it won’t even at least cancel their game.

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Christine O’Donnell has just tweeted that she has signed a book contract. No publication date as yet but that will be announced as soon she finds someone to write it for her.

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from Bill Littlejohn:

The Washington Redskins have announced that they will grant full refunds for all tickets in the event of a work stoppage. They will pay out retroactively starting with the Monday night game against Philadelphia”

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Law and Order – BCS and NFL

December 2, 2010

Auburn and the  NCAA said Cam Newton’s father broke rules.   But while the University declared their quarterback ineligible, the NCAA then immediately reinstated him for the SEC title game this weekend.  How does this make sense?  Because it’s the SEC, of course.

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Anyone want to lay odds on what would have happened if it were say, the TCU quarterback who was in the same situation as Newton?

We actually already know, he’d be cheerleading this weekend.

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Reggie Bush is thinking “Damn, if I just let Dad handle the negotiations.

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There’s a new response for high school and college sports stars who want to keep their eligibility.  “Don’t talk to me, my parents handle all the money issues.”

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Meanwhile, in the NFL, Roger Goddell decided not to suspend Texans star wide receiver Andre Johnson, despite the fact that Johnson was involved in an actual fist fight on the field last Sunday.  Coincidentally the Texans just happen to be on Thursday night football.

Goddell’s talked about a strict discipline policy that will teach players a lesson.  I guess the lesson here is,  just don’t get in any fights before weeks your team is playing a game that will be blacked out.

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And meanwhile,  Derek Anderson, who became a YouTube sensation for his outburst in a post-game press conference Monday night, gave what appeared to be a heartfelt apology Wednesday.

“There is a more professional way I could have handled that. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to act like that in times of adversity.”

Translation….  Well, wouldn’t you have liked to listen in on the call Derek probably got from his mom Tuesday morning?

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S.F. Giants fans think they know “torture.”  But 49ers fans get to live with the knowledge that their team bypassed Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft in order to take Alex Smith.

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The NCAA’s rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn’t enough evidence that he knew he was being “shopped.” Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because “the money was too much.” Even the O.J. jurors are saying “This guy got away with murder.”

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Men are especially glad Cyber Monday is over.  Wonder how many tried to alternate shopping with looking at porn and accidentally ordered their wives inflatable dolls for Christmas?

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An ESPN executive, Norby Williamson, said he does not think Jon Gruden will take the head coaching job at the University of Miami – “He is in year 2 of a long-term contract, and we expect Jon to be on ‘Monday Night Football’ doing what he’s been doing for a long time to come.”  Translation, or at least until he gets a better offer.

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If openly gay men and women in the military is such a problem, why aren’t the same people fighting the repeal of DADT talking about the issue of gays in TSA, or going through security lines? Wouldn’t same-sex gay patdowns be just as much of a potential danger/distraction

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The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat?

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Great riddle from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times:

Q: What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat?

A: The Daytona Barely .500

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Don’t ask….

December 1, 2010

 According to a Pentagon report, most U.S. troops don’t mind the idea of gays and lesbians serving in the military. The strongest pockets of resistance, however, come from the Marines. I guess they’re looking for “a few good men,” but not any fabulous ones.

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Actually, since the Marines are the branch of the U.S. Military that seem happiest with the current “stay in the closet” strategy,  maybe Tom Cruise was right in that movie when he told Jack Nicholson, “You can’t can’t handle the truth.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Lakers have lost three games in a row.  But hey, it’s the November and the beginning of the season – which means the team’s response to this “slump”  – “Don’t ask, don’t care.”

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Quarterback Derek Anderson of the Arizona Cardinals went on a profanity-laced tirarde during a post-game news conference last night. He was almost as upset as many of the fans who were looking forward all week to the MNF game, and then discovered it was 49ers-Cardinals.

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Some NFL teams are starting to send out season ticket renewal notices, but the league has announced that in case of a lockout, unplayed game tickets will be fully refunded. After Monday night’s game, fans in Arizona are now praying for a lockout.

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Sports Illustrated has selected Drew Brees as their Sportsman of the Year, for his performance on and off the field in New Orleans. Would be interesting to see who would be their “Bad Sportsman of the Year.” (I know who they’d pick in Cleveland..) But any suggestions?  Please feel free to add in comments.

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So the Giants signed Miguel Tejada to a one-year $6.5 million deal. Tejada batted .269 with 15 home runs, 26 doubles and 71 RBIs betwees two clubs in 2010. Guess S.F. decided he was a better value than a shortstop who batted .270 with 10 home runs, 30 doubles, and 67 RBIs in 2010 – Derek Jeter.

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An Alabama P.A announcer was fired for playing “Take the Money and Run” when Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers played the Crimson Tide last weekend.

On the brighter side, the announcer has been offered a job in Cleveland when Lebron James and the Heat play the Cavs on Thursday.

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Actually, while it’s not great sportsmanship, there’s a lot of potential for songs when certain teams or stars show come to town.  For example, how about these suggestions for any game that Brett Favre is the visiting quarterback – “Yesterday.”, or Julian Lennon’s “Just Too Late for Goodbyes.”

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And for that matter, what about the new potential TSA theme song – “The Way That I Want to Touch You.”

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So TCU (situated in Fort Worth,)  will now be in the Big East.  This means that along with schools such as Rutgers and Connecticut, the conference will cover Texas, Kentucky (Louisville) and Florida (University of South Florida.). 

What’s next, a school from Eastern Washington or California?

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Bowling for dollars…

November 30, 2010

TCU, (Texas Christian University) ,which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science.

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Although to be fair, Fort Worth is at least in the Eastern half  of Texas?

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The reason for this alignment is simple, if TCU is part of a major conference, they have a theoretical chance every year to go to a big money bowl game, which the BCS hopes will shut many of its critics up.   (Although anyone who thinks this will toughen up their schedule…. let’s see, Connecticut, Rutgers, Louisville, U Conn….it’s not exactly a murderer’s row football conference.)

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With TCU adopting the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” to the BCS system by joining the Big East, that leaves Boise State as the odd team out of the independent powerhouses.

Presumably the Broncos are looking for a conference that’s a good fit for their abilities – maybe the NFC West?

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Funeral arrangements are pending for Leslie Nielsen. Apparently he wanted an open-casket ceremony with his body unclothed. For all those who have never seen a grown man naked.

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Now there are rumors that the Broncos may have videotaped other teams besides the 49ers. And yet Denver is 3 and 7. This could end up being the worst waste of film since “Ishtar.”

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Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFC West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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Apparently Miami Heat players are complaining about coach Erik Spoelstra, saying he is “not letting them be themselves.” Oh, I don’t know, based on their ego-driven offseason antics, maybe the problem is that Spoelstra is letting Lebron and company absolutely be themselves.

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Tonight, however, the Heat clubhouse is full of a little more sweetness and light.  Of course, that’s because they took advantage of one temporary cure for a tough season – playing the Wizards.

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So the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFL West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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New York is playing hardball with Derek Jeter over his contract.  One Yankees staffer reported said that Jeter and his agent, Casey Close, need to “drink the reality potion.”

Okay, did you ever think you’d hear the words “Yankees” and “reality potion” in a discussion involving salaries?

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The University of Michigan is paying Rich Rodriguez a lot of money. And because he left his old school and broke a contract to coach the Wolverines, they are paying off his old school, West Virginia, as well.

Now Michigan is probably heading to the Insight Bowl.  (See if you can name the place and date of that one without looking it up.)  The West Virginia Mountaineers, however, if they win on Saturday, will probably go to the BCS Orange bowl.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

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Monday night was the premier of “Skating with the Stars.”  Finally, a television option for those who feel “Dancing with the Stars” just isn’t gay enough

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Cyber monday…

November 29, 2010

Which means, if you’re reading this instead of shopping you’ve either got all your shopping done or you’re waiting until Christmas Eve?

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Cyber Monday – it’s one day of the year when bosses may not cyber-snoop on employees, because they’re too busy shopping themselves. what

And if they do catch their employees hiding something, at least it’s not likely to be porn or solitaire.

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Actually, it’s a really good thing Cyber Monday isn’t in March.   Considering that most people fill out their NCAA brackets the day after “Selection Sunday,” both sexes could combine to bring American worker productivity to a complete halt.

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Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to “make a statement” against the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – “We still basically suck.”

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Hard to believe but with two pro teams (okay at least semi-pro) teams in the San Francisco Bay area, the top NFL quarterback currently in Northern California is probably already Andrew Luck.

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And with #4 Stanford now projected to go to the Fiesta Bowl, the University of Phoenix stadium, which also will host the BCS Championship game,  can claim to be hosting three of the top matchups of amateur teams in the nation.

Five if you count the 49ers – Cardinals game Monday night.

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Many in the media are taking Derek Jeter’s side in his contentious contract negotiations, with a USA Today article talking about how the Yankees are “jilting” Jeter.

“Jilting?”  Really?  To the tune of a $45 million contract?  As far as being jilted in New York the only people who have come close to that kind of payout have married Donald Trump..

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Leslie Nielsen died tonight at a Fort Lauderdale hospital.  Which is a “big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.” R.I.P. to one of the funniest men of our generation.

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Sarah Palin is complaining about “bluebloods and intellectuals.” Well, fine, except that pretty much describes our founding fathers.

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Grey Cup day

November 28, 2010

And no, the Grey Cup isn’t any game involving Brett Favre.

It’s the Canadian Football League championship.  Sunday, November 28.  (And they don’t play Thanksgiving weekend, because Canadian Thanksgiving was weeks ago.)

Anyway,  for any U.S. fans who were complaining about the weather for games today (and yes, that includes Stanford fans when the weather dipped into the 40s), the Grey Cup will be played in Edmonton, Alberta.  Outdoors. With the predicted weather minus 10 degrees. Plus wind chill

The game will feature the Saskatchewan Roughriders  against the Montreal Alouettes; it will be the eighth Grey Cup championship game for Montreal since 2000.

On the other hand, until 2009, “les Alouettes”had lost the last four Grey Cups they had played in, leading some to wonder whether “Alouettes” translates into English as Buffalo Bills.

(Actually for anyone who cares, Alouettes are little skylarks.)

The Alouettes franchise actually has gone out of business a few times, and was replaced most recently (in 1996) by a team that moved from Baltimore.  Are you listening, Jerry Jones?  This might be a way to put your Cowboys into contention for a championship.

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Back to U.S. sports..

Today probably marked the end of the Rich Rodriguez era in Michigan, although it was only January 2010, when Rodriguez started to pay off $1.5 million of his buyout clause from when he left West Virginia. Sort of like your trophy wife marriage breaking up when you have just begun to pay your first wife alimony.

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Meanwhile, Stanford shut out Oregon State 38-0.  The third shutout of the year for the Cardinal. Out of 12 games. That’s actually a better percentage than the World Champion San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff.

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Not that Stanford fans show up regularly to see their (potentially) #4 ranked team.  Now, admittedly it was Thanksgiving weekend, and cold with the threat of rain. 

Nonetheless, the University may have had more applications for their freshman class than they had fans in the stands today.

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Meanwhile, this year’s BCS games get murkier and murkier.  As Bill Littlejohn said, this week BCS may stand for “Boise Choked, Seriously.”

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The Denver Broncos were fined $100,000 by the NFL for illegally taping a San Francisco practice in London last month. Cheating to try to beat the 49ers? The Broncos may try to avoid the fine by using the insanity defense.

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Nike’s running ads for the new Lebron 8 basketball shoes. Who’d a thunk that 8 would also be the number of Heat losses before the end of November.

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And finally, Willie Nelson was arrested AGAIN for pot possession.  Can the man just move to California and get a medical marijuana prescription?  

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Once again, the Barely Credible System

November 27, 2010

Hard to believe not so long ago that there were college football fans who thought the bowl system was so messed up that the BCS could only be an improvement….

Friday night, 10-1 Nevada did their part to murky the waters by upsetting Boise State in overtime, 34-31.

This after an earlier in the season 52-31 drubbing of Cal.

So why aren’t the Wolfpack themselves in the BCS title hunt? One earlier season loss on the road, in Honolulu to Hawaii.  (Can’t imagine any of the players were too distracted there….)

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In any case, maybe the Pac 10, soon to be Pac 12, should have considerd Nevada before they made an offer to the Colorado Buffaloes (who this year are 5-6, including a 7-52 loss to those same Cal Bears.)

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Many football fans think teams like Boise State and Nevada and TCU shouldn’t be eligible for the National Championship because they play in weak conferences with consequently weaker schedules. But by that token no team should be Super Bowl eligible coming out of the NFC West.

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Ohio State president took on teams like Boise State and TCU in a media battle…..saying that the Buckeyes don’t play “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”

Possibly not, but the Little Sisters of the Poor might be favored in a matchup with Eastern Michigan, who Ohio State did select to fill an opening on their schedule.  (And beat 73-20.)

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Meanwhile, in the first half of their game against Notre Dame today, Cal scored 5. Yes, FIVE.  And no, it wasn’t a field goal and a safety. This was basketball. Most embarrassing thing to happen to the Golden Bears since last week’s football game against Stanford.

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Danny McDevitt died this week at the age of 78.  He was probably best known for being the last  Dodger pitcher to win a game in Brooklyn at Ebbets Field.   Apparently at his funeral his family hopes to have him eulogized by the game’s losing pitcher, Jamie Moyer.

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On the Tonight Show, Jay Leno pushed Cher for her opinion on the Tea Party.  And she finally stated she thought they were “f**king nuts.”

But lets be fair, with Bristol Palin’s new campaign, maybe some of them are becoming “abstinent nuts.”

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From the very funny Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix:   “The bat Kirk Gibson  used to hit his legendary home run in the 1988 World Series sold at auction for $575,000. Meanwhile, the one Vladimir Guerrero used in the 2010 World Series sold at auction for firewood.

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Happy Turkey Day.

November 26, 2010

On Thanksgiving, a brief post to thank everyone who makes writing this blog possible.

First of all and most important,  any and all readers.

But I couldn’t do this without the people who give me so much material –  a brief but not exhaustive list:

Brett Favre, Jamie Moyer, Tiger Woods, Lebron James, Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, the Chicago Cubs, the Dallas Cowboys, the San Francisco Fourth and Niners,  the New York Yankees  (and Mets), John McCain, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Meg Whitman, Jerry Brown….

Along with most of Congress (both parties), the BCS, and the NCAA in general.  Not to mention more pro-athletes than I could possibly list.

And for Canadian readers, the Toronto Maple Leafs.  (aka the Chicago Cubs of the NHL)

Back to the regular posts tomorrow.

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Does being QB mean never having to say you’re sorry?

November 25, 2010

 Three days after their much publicized postgame argument,  Vince Young apparently texted an apology to coach Jeff Fisher.

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The text apparently didn’t go over well.  But really, how could you doubt  the sincerity of “OMG, @TEOTD, MY BAD, TTYL.”

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Coach Fisher is also apparently not a fan of modern technology in general.  Although he gets the basics.  When asked about Young later his alleged response – he’s GTG.

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A third straight loss for the Heat tonight. Well, we certainly know what NBA fans outside Miami are thankful for this year.

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Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won “Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Sarah Palin’s latest target, Michelle Obama: “Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, in what (they) should eat.” Uh, Sarah, about that trust thing. Have you checked out the U.S. childhood obesity stats lately? It’s about 1 in 3.

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But okay, Sarah thinks Michelle should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people’s personal business. I’m waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people’s sex lives.

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from Gary Morton:

Paterno’s alma mater, Brown, played in the 1916 Rose Bowl. It’s not true that Joe started at QB for the Bears that day – freshmen weren’t eligible to play then.

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A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it’s a good thing John Madden only travels by bus.

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Sarah Palin supporters laugh off the little gaffe she made in a radio interview, confusing North Korea with South Korea. And sure, anyone can make a mistake. But can you imagine her in the Oval Office? Red button, green button, it’s all so confusing….

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Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey.

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Joe Paterno, he keeps going, and going, and going…

November 24, 2010

Joe Paterno has become the Energizer Bunny of college football.  OF course, at this point when he keeps going and going and going, sometimes his players have to point him in the right direction to get home.

Paterno, 83,  says he will be back at Penn State next year. Makes sense, he’s the only one who can translate his original playbook without using the Rosetta Stone.

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When Paterno started coaching, the Big Ten generally just referred to commandments.

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Paterno once said “It’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.”   Of course at his age, it’s a lot easier to remember the name on the front than all the different names on the back.

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Joe Paterno says he will be back for yet another season to coach the Nittany Lions. Hasn’t he already been there longer than Penn has BEEN a state?.

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Meanwhile,  Duke coach  Mike Krzyzewski got his 800th coaching win.   And Coach K is only 63.   Most Duke fans think Johnny Dawkins left for Stanford as a temporary measure because even as the heir-apparent, he couldn’t see getting the head coaching job in Durham anytime soon.

And if Paterno is any indication, sounds like Dawkins has another few decades in Palo Alto.

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On Tuesday night (?!) in college football,  Miami (Ohio) beat Temple 23-3.   And if you watched the entire game and aren’t an alum of either school, it is just possible you might be in need of a life.

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Money, money, money, money. If Major League Baseball was run like the BCS system the Yankees and Cubs would automatically make the playoffs every year.

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One of Apple’s first computers has sold for more than $200,000.  Curiously enough, that’s about the average that the first Windows users spent on tech support.

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Jennifer Grey won “Dancing with the Stars” Tuesday night.   And no doubt before the week is out,  Sarah Palin will have figured out how to blame it on President Obama and the liberal media.

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Sarah Palin is actually trying to stump for Christine O’Donnell to be a contestant on the next “Dancing with the Stars.”   Suppose it could draw ratings. But the shows are worried that if O’Donnell were booted off, she’d turn the remaining contestants into toads.

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All these people praising Bristol Palin on DWTS, both for her dancing and how impressive a job she is doing as a single mother…   Wonder how they’d react if the unwed teen mom on the show was the daughter of say, Jesse Jackson?

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Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

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So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

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Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

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New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

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As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

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Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

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At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

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The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

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Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

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More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?

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Bowled over….

November 22, 2010

This all could change…. but how messed up is the BCS?

Stanford, despite a #6 ranking, is projected to go to the Alamo Bowl, which gets the Pac 10 #2. team But that’s the bowl’s #2 CHOICE, not necessarily the 2nd best team.

So technically, except for that little matter of probation, the folks in San Antonio could go for a team whose alumni always travel and spend money, i.e. the USC Trojans.

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Speaking of money,  the Alamo Bowl has a payout of $2,250,000 this year, the same as the Champs Sports Bowl, who at this point is hoping to take a 7-4 Notre Dame.

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Although, really, considering the “self-esteem” of both programs, shouldn’t Notre Dame be the permanent host team of the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium.

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Speaking of college ball.  They always introduce NFL players by their college alma maters.

I think I’ve heard someone say this before, but since many of these guys never got degrees or even attended most of their classes, would love to see them announced with the last school they actually graduated from, even if that’s elementary or high school.  (Or reform school)

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Great line from my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Oakland Raiders’ Richard Seymore fined and ejected today for punching-out Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. Good news? Seymore named Man of the Year by N.O.W.”

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Meanwhile, at Candlestick Park…. Well, so much for all those San Francisco fans who thought that with the World Series over it would be a long time until they saw another shutout.

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-The New York Mets chose Terry Collins as their next manager. Although wouldn’t it be more correct to say “as their next interim manager?”

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And here’s a poll for readers:   Who’s going to last longer? Brett Favre as the Vikings’ starting quarterback, or Mike Singletary as the 49ers coach?

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Barbara Bush said in an interview that Sarah Palin seemed “very happy in Alaska,” and that she “hoped she’d stay there.” Shame Barbara didn’t tell her son that he “seemed very happy in Texas….”.

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About these new TSA pat-downs. Okay, I suppose I can see the need to check for potential explosives.  But customs agents have known for years that smugglers can conceal illegal substances, well, shall we say, internally. 

What’s next, TSA prostate exams?

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Big Game – Little drama

November 21, 2010

The first storm of the season: P G & E reports that there are six power outages in Berkeley. Seven if you count the Cal offense.

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The final score was Stanford 48 – Cal 14, and those 14 points came late in the game against Stanford’s second team defense.  So this year, however, the Bears can’t blame their Big Game loss on too much Luck.

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Despite the rivalry, however, Cal fans actually had nothing but good wishes for Stanford Quarterback Andrew Luck.  In fact, after the game they were unanimous in saying that with his talents, Luck really should enter the NFL draft after this year.

After the 2010 season,  Cal’s aging Memorial Stadium will be basically completely gutted and renovated.  But today’s Stanford-Cal “Big Game” was only the second-to-last game, as the University of Washington comes to Berkeley next weekend.

Just as well, after today’s 48-14 loss, Bears fans might be more than willing to tear down the old stadium, with the team in it.

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The Vikings will activate wide receiver Sydney Rice for tomorrow’s game against Packers. Presumably coach Brad Childress wanted to make sure Rice was completely ready to play, both to catch passes and to tackle Green Bay defensive ends who intercept Brett Favre.

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The Golden State Warriors now have both Stephen Curry, a Davidson graduate, and Jeremy Lin, a Harvard graduate, on their roster. Which means they may well have the two NBA players with the highest SAT scores.

Said many of their fellow players in the league  – “What are SAT scores?”

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game today was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Billionaire Mitt Romney told supporters that he thinks people are “exhausted” from the 2010 elections, so he wants to wait a while before he really gears up his presidential campaign for 2012.

Hmm, wonder when he last talked to his good friend and protege Meg Whitman?

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Another potential silver lining to this whole TSA potentially overly-instrusive patdown controversy.  By the time you get to your airline seat, being cramped, nickel-and-dimed, and ignored by flight attendants will seem almost pleasant by comparison.

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The Redskins hope to rebound Sunday against the Titans.   Or at least make a decision about saving some serious money.

Bill Littlejohn, on Donovan McNabb’s new $78 million contract giving the Redskins an out clause: “In the first quarter Monday night, it looked like a three-and-out clause.”

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Back to baseball – in a column this week Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Giants wrote while praising Brian Wilson that he nonetheless  “pulled out every theatrical gimmick except a monocle and feather boa.”

So okay, Giants fans, we know who to blame next year when Wilson shows up with that monocle and boa….

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Friday follies.

November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin’s publisher is suing Gawker for leaking pages of her upcoming book. Apparently Palin is particularly upset because people are asking her questions about the book and her staff hasn’t told her yet  what she was supposed to have written.

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The TSA has agreed that airline pilots with valid ID’s can skip the security scanning and pat-downs that normal passengers go through at the airports. Pilot groups are pleased. This means less potential harmful radiation, and a much easier time bringing their onboard flasks.

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The FDA is about to ban alcohol beverages containing caffeine. Great, so you can go to San Francisco and get a legal medical marijuana prescription, but you may have to start going to a speakeasy to get an Irish Coffee.

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Prince Charles indicated in a recent interview that as King he would consider making Camilla Queen. In a followup interview, Queen Elizabeth said she is considering living forever.

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Due to the stadium’s small size, the University of Illinois-Northwest football game this weekend at Wrigley Field will use only one end zone. Actually, they should have used the field for last night’s Bears-Dolphins game. Not like Miami needed the end zone anyway.

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Some fans are wondering – why choose WrigleyField  out of all of the stadiums to host a novelty college football game?  Apparently the NCAA thought it would be a nice gesture for local fans,  who haven’t seen a meaningful game played at Wrigley since about July.

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Although as we get close to bowl season, it becomes apparent that to fill all the existing bowls, some teams with VERY mediocre records are going to get postseason bids.  Including possibly the UCLA Bruins, who have not beaten one time with a .500 record or better. 

So what exactly is the NCAA trying to accomplish here by rewarding these lousy team?  Become the NFC West?

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One problem with Facebook increasingly reaching an older demographic… You have more and more friends sending you birthday wishes, at the same time you are -starting to forget who more and more of these people are.

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Despite consistently low scores, Bristol Palin is one of the last three contestants on “Dancing with the Stars.” Now we know the true meaning of her name -it’s Alaskan for “Sanjaya.”

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from Marc Ragovin:

This past Monday was the 58th anniversary of the Peanuts comic strip in which Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown as he is about to kick it. Charles Schulz once said he never would have gotten the idea if Brown’s regular holder — Bret Favre — hadn’t been injured.

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Rings and things.

November 19, 2010

 Tony Parker has three rings with the San Antonio Spurs. Sounds like maybe he should have bought another, for his wife.

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I’m not sure Brett Favre gets it. The last time he went through airport security he told the TSA guy. “Nice picture, can you send it to this girl I know?”

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Felix Hernandez of the lowly Seattle Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award with a major-league leading ERA. 2.27, although only a 13-12 record. Hernandez may never win another Cy Young, but at least his win total should go up when he ends up in pinstripes.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to expand the playoffs to include 10 teams, but not until at least 2012. Which means that next year the Red Sox and Yankees will have to make the playoffs the old-fashioned way, by buying free agents and picking up big names at the trade deadline.

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Derek Jeter is unhappy with the Yankees’ offer of $21 million a year for three years. This after a season in which most sportswriters agree he won the Golden Glove mostly on reputation, and hit all of .270. If New York actually ups the ante to keep Jeter maybe the SF Giants should talk to them about taking Zito.

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Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers told a reporter today that after he retires from the NBA,  he wants to play for an NFL team. Is he nuts? While Artest is a great athlete, there’s no way the guy is ready to play professional football. Which means he’s already received an invitation to try out for the Buffalo Bills.

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TC Chong wonders if there is a Guinness World Record for most times an announcer has been “muted” via the remote on a sports broadcast? If so, he thinks it be Joe Theismann.  I would say Tim McCarver would give him a run for his money.

TC also points out in the “something’s got to give” department,  that the Detroit Lions haven’t won on the road in 25 games, and the Dallas Cowboys haven’t won at all in their new stadium.   And wonders “A 10-10 overtime tie anyone? You heard it here first.”

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Sarah Palin knocked “American Idol” contestants, saying they were “untalented victims of the cult of self-esteem.” Right. As opposed to the well-adjusted, supremely gifted and attractive people who go on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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(this next partially inspired by Palin.)

Ah, delusions. If a man is rich, women will think he is attractive. If a woman is attractive, men will think she is smart.

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Senator Chris Dodd is denying that he sent a tweet that went out to his followers this morning saying “U love torturing me with this sh**.” Not that I think politicians are saints but am inclined to believe him. How many 66 year old men actually know how to send a tweet anyway?

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Many Americans just don’t understand all the hoopla over the engagement between Prince William and Kate Middleton. After all, William will only be King due to an accident of birth. Yet some of those same people were excited to hear that Jeb Bush might run for president.

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George W. Bush was on the tonight show Thursday, and made a joke about not having an exit strategy. Which would have been funnier if that lack hadn’t cost thousands of Americans their lives.

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Thank you, Sarah.

November 18, 2010

While Palin certainly helped Tina Fey become the youngest winner ever of the Mark Twain American humor award, she has also been a generous source of material to many of us lesser writers.

Today for example, was a bonanza. (Palin fans might want to skip to the last several  jokes.)

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 Sarah Palin said she believed she could beat Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential election. Has anyone told her the balloting procedure is just a little different from “Dancing with the Stars?”

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Palin also says that President Obama wasn’t properly “vetted” and now it is “coming home to roost.” Meanwhile, many Republicans are thinking, had John McCain done a little more vetting himself, the GOP would have probably won the Senate this year.

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And in Sarah Palin’s latest book, “America by Heart,” she apparently wrote that it was “disgusting” to watch “the father of my grandchild” Levi Johnston exploit his sudden fame. Right, as opposed to the mother of her grandchild.

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Wonder how Palin chose the title “America by Heart?”  I thought she thought America was by Russia?

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The book has not officially been released yet, though excerpts have been leaked. One thing’s for sure – looks like an early Christmas for comedy writers.

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Meanwhile, Willow Palin, 16, posted on her facebook page a number of slurs directed at a classmate, including telling him “Your (sic) such a f**got” Great, a homophobic illiterate. Her mother must be so proud.

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And not that I personally agree with Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski on a number of issues. But must admit, it’s kind of fun to watch. She’s irritating the GOP leadership these days more than any woman whose last name isn’t Pelosi.

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Tea Party Republican candidate Joe Miller has not yet conceded to Murkowski, who apparently has won re-election as a write-in candidate.  Miller’s latest potential  challenge, that her candidacy was unfair because she was actually appealing only to voters who could both read and write

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First Steve Nash announces he is divorcing, now Tony Parker’s wife has filed papers. Okay, who’d a thunk the longest married superstar in the NBA might end up being Kobe Bryant?

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One silver lining with this whole TSA invasive issue – After you make it through the airport Thanksgiving weekend, by comparision your mother’s questions at dinner may not seem quite so probing.

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In Los Angeles, supervisors have banned plastic bags. Said one lawmaker, “Plastic bags are a pollutant, they pollute the urban landscape.” Stand by for the supervisors’ next action – banning the Los Angeles Clippers.

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A Dutch company claims they have invented a skin patch that will help you lose weight. Sure, why not? Especially if you stick it over your mouth.

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