Archive for November 2010

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Bowling for dollars…

November 30, 2010

TCU, (Texas Christian University) ,which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science.

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Although to be fair, Fort Worth is at least in the Eastern half  of Texas?

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The reason for this alignment is simple, if TCU is part of a major conference, they have a theoretical chance every year to go to a big money bowl game, which the BCS hopes will shut many of its critics up.   (Although anyone who thinks this will toughen up their schedule…. let’s see, Connecticut, Rutgers, Louisville, U Conn….it’s not exactly a murderer’s row football conference.)

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With TCU adopting the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” to the BCS system by joining the Big East, that leaves Boise State as the odd team out of the independent powerhouses.

Presumably the Broncos are looking for a conference that’s a good fit for their abilities – maybe the NFC West?

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Funeral arrangements are pending for Leslie Nielsen. Apparently he wanted an open-casket ceremony with his body unclothed. For all those who have never seen a grown man naked.

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Now there are rumors that the Broncos may have videotaped other teams besides the 49ers. And yet Denver is 3 and 7. This could end up being the worst waste of film since “Ishtar.”

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Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFC West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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Apparently Miami Heat players are complaining about coach Erik Spoelstra, saying he is “not letting them be themselves.” Oh, I don’t know, based on their ego-driven offseason antics, maybe the problem is that Spoelstra is letting Lebron and company absolutely be themselves.

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Tonight, however, the Heat clubhouse is full of a little more sweetness and light.  Of course, that’s because they took advantage of one temporary cure for a tough season – playing the Wizards.

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So the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFL West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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New York is playing hardball with Derek Jeter over his contract.  One Yankees staffer reported said that Jeter and his agent, Casey Close, need to “drink the reality potion.”

Okay, did you ever think you’d hear the words “Yankees” and “reality potion” in a discussion involving salaries?

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The University of Michigan is paying Rich Rodriguez a lot of money. And because he left his old school and broke a contract to coach the Wolverines, they are paying off his old school, West Virginia, as well.

Now Michigan is probably heading to the Insight Bowl.  (See if you can name the place and date of that one without looking it up.)  The West Virginia Mountaineers, however, if they win on Saturday, will probably go to the BCS Orange bowl.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

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Monday night was the premier of “Skating with the Stars.”  Finally, a television option for those who feel “Dancing with the Stars” just isn’t gay enough

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Cyber monday…

November 29, 2010

Which means, if you’re reading this instead of shopping you’ve either got all your shopping done or you’re waiting until Christmas Eve?

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Cyber Monday – it’s one day of the year when bosses may not cyber-snoop on employees, because they’re too busy shopping themselves. what

And if they do catch their employees hiding something, at least it’s not likely to be porn or solitaire.

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Actually, it’s a really good thing Cyber Monday isn’t in March.   Considering that most people fill out their NCAA brackets the day after “Selection Sunday,” both sexes could combine to bring American worker productivity to a complete halt.

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Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to “make a statement” against the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – “We still basically suck.”

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Hard to believe but with two pro teams (okay at least semi-pro) teams in the San Francisco Bay area, the top NFL quarterback currently in Northern California is probably already Andrew Luck.

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And with #4 Stanford now projected to go to the Fiesta Bowl, the University of Phoenix stadium, which also will host the BCS Championship game,  can claim to be hosting three of the top matchups of amateur teams in the nation.

Five if you count the 49ers – Cardinals game Monday night.

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Many in the media are taking Derek Jeter’s side in his contentious contract negotiations, with a USA Today article talking about how the Yankees are “jilting” Jeter.

“Jilting?”  Really?  To the tune of a $45 million contract?  As far as being jilted in New York the only people who have come close to that kind of payout have married Donald Trump..

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Leslie Nielsen died tonight at a Fort Lauderdale hospital.  Which is a “big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.” R.I.P. to one of the funniest men of our generation.

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Sarah Palin is complaining about “bluebloods and intellectuals.” Well, fine, except that pretty much describes our founding fathers.

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Grey Cup day

November 28, 2010

And no, the Grey Cup isn’t any game involving Brett Favre.

It’s the Canadian Football League championship.  Sunday, November 28.  (And they don’t play Thanksgiving weekend, because Canadian Thanksgiving was weeks ago.)

Anyway,  for any U.S. fans who were complaining about the weather for games today (and yes, that includes Stanford fans when the weather dipped into the 40s), the Grey Cup will be played in Edmonton, Alberta.  Outdoors. With the predicted weather minus 10 degrees. Plus wind chill

The game will feature the Saskatchewan Roughriders  against the Montreal Alouettes; it will be the eighth Grey Cup championship game for Montreal since 2000.

On the other hand, until 2009, “les Alouettes”had lost the last four Grey Cups they had played in, leading some to wonder whether “Alouettes” translates into English as Buffalo Bills.

(Actually for anyone who cares, Alouettes are little skylarks.)

The Alouettes franchise actually has gone out of business a few times, and was replaced most recently (in 1996) by a team that moved from Baltimore.  Are you listening, Jerry Jones?  This might be a way to put your Cowboys into contention for a championship.

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Back to U.S. sports..

Today probably marked the end of the Rich Rodriguez era in Michigan, although it was only January 2010, when Rodriguez started to pay off $1.5 million of his buyout clause from when he left West Virginia. Sort of like your trophy wife marriage breaking up when you have just begun to pay your first wife alimony.

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Meanwhile, Stanford shut out Oregon State 38-0.  The third shutout of the year for the Cardinal. Out of 12 games. That’s actually a better percentage than the World Champion San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff.

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Not that Stanford fans show up regularly to see their (potentially) #4 ranked team.  Now, admittedly it was Thanksgiving weekend, and cold with the threat of rain. 

Nonetheless, the University may have had more applications for their freshman class than they had fans in the stands today.

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Meanwhile, this year’s BCS games get murkier and murkier.  As Bill Littlejohn said, this week BCS may stand for “Boise Choked, Seriously.”

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The Denver Broncos were fined $100,000 by the NFL for illegally taping a San Francisco practice in London last month. Cheating to try to beat the 49ers? The Broncos may try to avoid the fine by using the insanity defense.

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Nike’s running ads for the new Lebron 8 basketball shoes. Who’d a thunk that 8 would also be the number of Heat losses before the end of November.

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And finally, Willie Nelson was arrested AGAIN for pot possession.  Can the man just move to California and get a medical marijuana prescription?  

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Once again, the Barely Credible System

November 27, 2010

Hard to believe not so long ago that there were college football fans who thought the bowl system was so messed up that the BCS could only be an improvement….

Friday night, 10-1 Nevada did their part to murky the waters by upsetting Boise State in overtime, 34-31.

This after an earlier in the season 52-31 drubbing of Cal.

So why aren’t the Wolfpack themselves in the BCS title hunt? One earlier season loss on the road, in Honolulu to Hawaii.  (Can’t imagine any of the players were too distracted there….)

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In any case, maybe the Pac 10, soon to be Pac 12, should have considerd Nevada before they made an offer to the Colorado Buffaloes (who this year are 5-6, including a 7-52 loss to those same Cal Bears.)

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Many football fans think teams like Boise State and Nevada and TCU shouldn’t be eligible for the National Championship because they play in weak conferences with consequently weaker schedules. But by that token no team should be Super Bowl eligible coming out of the NFC West.

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Ohio State president took on teams like Boise State and TCU in a media battle…..saying that the Buckeyes don’t play “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”

Possibly not, but the Little Sisters of the Poor might be favored in a matchup with Eastern Michigan, who Ohio State did select to fill an opening on their schedule.  (And beat 73-20.)

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Meanwhile, in the first half of their game against Notre Dame today, Cal scored 5. Yes, FIVE.  And no, it wasn’t a field goal and a safety. This was basketball. Most embarrassing thing to happen to the Golden Bears since last week’s football game against Stanford.

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Danny McDevitt died this week at the age of 78.  He was probably best known for being the last  Dodger pitcher to win a game in Brooklyn at Ebbets Field.   Apparently at his funeral his family hopes to have him eulogized by the game’s losing pitcher, Jamie Moyer.

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On the Tonight Show, Jay Leno pushed Cher for her opinion on the Tea Party.  And she finally stated she thought they were “f**king nuts.”

But lets be fair, with Bristol Palin’s new campaign, maybe some of them are becoming “abstinent nuts.”

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From the very funny Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix:   “The bat Kirk Gibson  used to hit his legendary home run in the 1988 World Series sold at auction for $575,000. Meanwhile, the one Vladimir Guerrero used in the 2010 World Series sold at auction for firewood.

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Happy Turkey Day.

November 26, 2010

On Thanksgiving, a brief post to thank everyone who makes writing this blog possible.

First of all and most important,  any and all readers.

But I couldn’t do this without the people who give me so much material –  a brief but not exhaustive list:

Brett Favre, Jamie Moyer, Tiger Woods, Lebron James, Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, the Chicago Cubs, the Dallas Cowboys, the San Francisco Fourth and Niners,  the New York Yankees  (and Mets), John McCain, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Meg Whitman, Jerry Brown….

Along with most of Congress (both parties), the BCS, and the NCAA in general.  Not to mention more pro-athletes than I could possibly list.

And for Canadian readers, the Toronto Maple Leafs.  (aka the Chicago Cubs of the NHL)

Back to the regular posts tomorrow.

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Does being QB mean never having to say you’re sorry?

November 25, 2010

 Three days after their much publicized postgame argument,  Vince Young apparently texted an apology to coach Jeff Fisher.

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The text apparently didn’t go over well.  But really, how could you doubt  the sincerity of “OMG, @TEOTD, MY BAD, TTYL.”

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Coach Fisher is also apparently not a fan of modern technology in general.  Although he gets the basics.  When asked about Young later his alleged response – he’s GTG.

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A third straight loss for the Heat tonight. Well, we certainly know what NBA fans outside Miami are thankful for this year.

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Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won “Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Sarah Palin’s latest target, Michelle Obama: “Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, in what (they) should eat.” Uh, Sarah, about that trust thing. Have you checked out the U.S. childhood obesity stats lately? It’s about 1 in 3.

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But okay, Sarah thinks Michelle should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people’s personal business. I’m waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people’s sex lives.

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from Gary Morton:

Paterno’s alma mater, Brown, played in the 1916 Rose Bowl. It’s not true that Joe started at QB for the Bears that day – freshmen weren’t eligible to play then.

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A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it’s a good thing John Madden only travels by bus.

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Sarah Palin supporters laugh off the little gaffe she made in a radio interview, confusing North Korea with South Korea. And sure, anyone can make a mistake. But can you imagine her in the Oval Office? Red button, green button, it’s all so confusing….

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Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey.

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Joe Paterno, he keeps going, and going, and going…

November 24, 2010

Joe Paterno has become the Energizer Bunny of college football.  OF course, at this point when he keeps going and going and going, sometimes his players have to point him in the right direction to get home.

Paterno, 83,  says he will be back at Penn State next year. Makes sense, he’s the only one who can translate his original playbook without using the Rosetta Stone.

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When Paterno started coaching, the Big Ten generally just referred to commandments.

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Paterno once said “It’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.”   Of course at his age, it’s a lot easier to remember the name on the front than all the different names on the back.

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Joe Paterno says he will be back for yet another season to coach the Nittany Lions. Hasn’t he already been there longer than Penn has BEEN a state?.

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Meanwhile,  Duke coach  Mike Krzyzewski got his 800th coaching win.   And Coach K is only 63.   Most Duke fans think Johnny Dawkins left for Stanford as a temporary measure because even as the heir-apparent, he couldn’t see getting the head coaching job in Durham anytime soon.

And if Paterno is any indication, sounds like Dawkins has another few decades in Palo Alto.

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On Tuesday night (?!) in college football,  Miami (Ohio) beat Temple 23-3.   And if you watched the entire game and aren’t an alum of either school, it is just possible you might be in need of a life.

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Money, money, money, money. If Major League Baseball was run like the BCS system the Yankees and Cubs would automatically make the playoffs every year.

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One of Apple’s first computers has sold for more than $200,000.  Curiously enough, that’s about the average that the first Windows users spent on tech support.

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Jennifer Grey won “Dancing with the Stars” Tuesday night.   And no doubt before the week is out,  Sarah Palin will have figured out how to blame it on President Obama and the liberal media.

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Sarah Palin is actually trying to stump for Christine O’Donnell to be a contestant on the next “Dancing with the Stars.”   Suppose it could draw ratings. But the shows are worried that if O’Donnell were booted off, she’d turn the remaining contestants into toads.

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All these people praising Bristol Palin on DWTS, both for her dancing and how impressive a job she is doing as a single mother…   Wonder how they’d react if the unwed teen mom on the show was the daughter of say, Jesse Jackson?

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Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

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So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

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Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

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New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

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As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

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Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

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At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

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The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

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Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

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More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?

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Bowled over….

November 22, 2010

This all could change…. but how messed up is the BCS?

Stanford, despite a #6 ranking, is projected to go to the Alamo Bowl, which gets the Pac 10 #2. team But that’s the bowl’s #2 CHOICE, not necessarily the 2nd best team.

So technically, except for that little matter of probation, the folks in San Antonio could go for a team whose alumni always travel and spend money, i.e. the USC Trojans.

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Speaking of money,  the Alamo Bowl has a payout of $2,250,000 this year, the same as the Champs Sports Bowl, who at this point is hoping to take a 7-4 Notre Dame.

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Although, really, considering the “self-esteem” of both programs, shouldn’t Notre Dame be the permanent host team of the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium.

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Speaking of college ball.  They always introduce NFL players by their college alma maters.

I think I’ve heard someone say this before, but since many of these guys never got degrees or even attended most of their classes, would love to see them announced with the last school they actually graduated from, even if that’s elementary or high school.  (Or reform school)

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Great line from my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Oakland Raiders’ Richard Seymore fined and ejected today for punching-out Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. Good news? Seymore named Man of the Year by N.O.W.”

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Meanwhile, at Candlestick Park…. Well, so much for all those San Francisco fans who thought that with the World Series over it would be a long time until they saw another shutout.

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-The New York Mets chose Terry Collins as their next manager. Although wouldn’t it be more correct to say “as their next interim manager?”

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And here’s a poll for readers:   Who’s going to last longer? Brett Favre as the Vikings’ starting quarterback, or Mike Singletary as the 49ers coach?

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Barbara Bush said in an interview that Sarah Palin seemed “very happy in Alaska,” and that she “hoped she’d stay there.” Shame Barbara didn’t tell her son that he “seemed very happy in Texas….”.

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About these new TSA pat-downs. Okay, I suppose I can see the need to check for potential explosives.  But customs agents have known for years that smugglers can conceal illegal substances, well, shall we say, internally. 

What’s next, TSA prostate exams?

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Big Game – Little drama

November 21, 2010

The first storm of the season: P G & E reports that there are six power outages in Berkeley. Seven if you count the Cal offense.

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The final score was Stanford 48 – Cal 14, and those 14 points came late in the game against Stanford’s second team defense.  So this year, however, the Bears can’t blame their Big Game loss on too much Luck.

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Despite the rivalry, however, Cal fans actually had nothing but good wishes for Stanford Quarterback Andrew Luck.  In fact, after the game they were unanimous in saying that with his talents, Luck really should enter the NFL draft after this year.

After the 2010 season,  Cal’s aging Memorial Stadium will be basically completely gutted and renovated.  But today’s Stanford-Cal “Big Game” was only the second-to-last game, as the University of Washington comes to Berkeley next weekend.

Just as well, after today’s 48-14 loss, Bears fans might be more than willing to tear down the old stadium, with the team in it.

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The Vikings will activate wide receiver Sydney Rice for tomorrow’s game against Packers. Presumably coach Brad Childress wanted to make sure Rice was completely ready to play, both to catch passes and to tackle Green Bay defensive ends who intercept Brett Favre.

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The Golden State Warriors now have both Stephen Curry, a Davidson graduate, and Jeremy Lin, a Harvard graduate, on their roster. Which means they may well have the two NBA players with the highest SAT scores.

Said many of their fellow players in the league  – “What are SAT scores?”

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game today was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Billionaire Mitt Romney told supporters that he thinks people are “exhausted” from the 2010 elections, so he wants to wait a while before he really gears up his presidential campaign for 2012.

Hmm, wonder when he last talked to his good friend and protege Meg Whitman?

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Another potential silver lining to this whole TSA potentially overly-instrusive patdown controversy.  By the time you get to your airline seat, being cramped, nickel-and-dimed, and ignored by flight attendants will seem almost pleasant by comparison.

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The Redskins hope to rebound Sunday against the Titans.   Or at least make a decision about saving some serious money.

Bill Littlejohn, on Donovan McNabb’s new $78 million contract giving the Redskins an out clause: “In the first quarter Monday night, it looked like a three-and-out clause.”

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Back to baseball – in a column this week Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Giants wrote while praising Brian Wilson that he nonetheless  “pulled out every theatrical gimmick except a monocle and feather boa.”

So okay, Giants fans, we know who to blame next year when Wilson shows up with that monocle and boa….

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Friday follies.

November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin’s publisher is suing Gawker for leaking pages of her upcoming book. Apparently Palin is particularly upset because people are asking her questions about the book and her staff hasn’t told her yet  what she was supposed to have written.

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The TSA has agreed that airline pilots with valid ID’s can skip the security scanning and pat-downs that normal passengers go through at the airports. Pilot groups are pleased. This means less potential harmful radiation, and a much easier time bringing their onboard flasks.

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The FDA is about to ban alcohol beverages containing caffeine. Great, so you can go to San Francisco and get a legal medical marijuana prescription, but you may have to start going to a speakeasy to get an Irish Coffee.

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Prince Charles indicated in a recent interview that as King he would consider making Camilla Queen. In a followup interview, Queen Elizabeth said she is considering living forever.

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Due to the stadium’s small size, the University of Illinois-Northwest football game this weekend at Wrigley Field will use only one end zone. Actually, they should have used the field for last night’s Bears-Dolphins game. Not like Miami needed the end zone anyway.

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Some fans are wondering – why choose WrigleyField  out of all of the stadiums to host a novelty college football game?  Apparently the NCAA thought it would be a nice gesture for local fans,  who haven’t seen a meaningful game played at Wrigley since about July.

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Although as we get close to bowl season, it becomes apparent that to fill all the existing bowls, some teams with VERY mediocre records are going to get postseason bids.  Including possibly the UCLA Bruins, who have not beaten one time with a .500 record or better. 

So what exactly is the NCAA trying to accomplish here by rewarding these lousy team?  Become the NFC West?

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One problem with Facebook increasingly reaching an older demographic… You have more and more friends sending you birthday wishes, at the same time you are -starting to forget who more and more of these people are.

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Despite consistently low scores, Bristol Palin is one of the last three contestants on “Dancing with the Stars.” Now we know the true meaning of her name -it’s Alaskan for “Sanjaya.”

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from Marc Ragovin:

This past Monday was the 58th anniversary of the Peanuts comic strip in which Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown as he is about to kick it. Charles Schulz once said he never would have gotten the idea if Brown’s regular holder — Bret Favre — hadn’t been injured.

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Rings and things.

November 19, 2010

 Tony Parker has three rings with the San Antonio Spurs. Sounds like maybe he should have bought another, for his wife.

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I’m not sure Brett Favre gets it. The last time he went through airport security he told the TSA guy. “Nice picture, can you send it to this girl I know?”

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Felix Hernandez of the lowly Seattle Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award with a major-league leading ERA. 2.27, although only a 13-12 record. Hernandez may never win another Cy Young, but at least his win total should go up when he ends up in pinstripes.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to expand the playoffs to include 10 teams, but not until at least 2012. Which means that next year the Red Sox and Yankees will have to make the playoffs the old-fashioned way, by buying free agents and picking up big names at the trade deadline.

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Derek Jeter is unhappy with the Yankees’ offer of $21 million a year for three years. This after a season in which most sportswriters agree he won the Golden Glove mostly on reputation, and hit all of .270. If New York actually ups the ante to keep Jeter maybe the SF Giants should talk to them about taking Zito.

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Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers told a reporter today that after he retires from the NBA,  he wants to play for an NFL team. Is he nuts? While Artest is a great athlete, there’s no way the guy is ready to play professional football. Which means he’s already received an invitation to try out for the Buffalo Bills.

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TC Chong wonders if there is a Guinness World Record for most times an announcer has been “muted” via the remote on a sports broadcast? If so, he thinks it be Joe Theismann.  I would say Tim McCarver would give him a run for his money.

TC also points out in the “something’s got to give” department,  that the Detroit Lions haven’t won on the road in 25 games, and the Dallas Cowboys haven’t won at all in their new stadium.   And wonders “A 10-10 overtime tie anyone? You heard it here first.”

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Sarah Palin knocked “American Idol” contestants, saying they were “untalented victims of the cult of self-esteem.” Right. As opposed to the well-adjusted, supremely gifted and attractive people who go on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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(this next partially inspired by Palin.)

Ah, delusions. If a man is rich, women will think he is attractive. If a woman is attractive, men will think she is smart.

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Senator Chris Dodd is denying that he sent a tweet that went out to his followers this morning saying “U love torturing me with this sh**.” Not that I think politicians are saints but am inclined to believe him. How many 66 year old men actually know how to send a tweet anyway?

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Many Americans just don’t understand all the hoopla over the engagement between Prince William and Kate Middleton. After all, William will only be King due to an accident of birth. Yet some of those same people were excited to hear that Jeb Bush might run for president.

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George W. Bush was on the tonight show Thursday, and made a joke about not having an exit strategy. Which would have been funnier if that lack hadn’t cost thousands of Americans their lives.

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Thank you, Sarah.

November 18, 2010

While Palin certainly helped Tina Fey become the youngest winner ever of the Mark Twain American humor award, she has also been a generous source of material to many of us lesser writers.

Today for example, was a bonanza. (Palin fans might want to skip to the last several  jokes.)

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 Sarah Palin said she believed she could beat Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential election. Has anyone told her the balloting procedure is just a little different from “Dancing with the Stars?”

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Palin also says that President Obama wasn’t properly “vetted” and now it is “coming home to roost.” Meanwhile, many Republicans are thinking, had John McCain done a little more vetting himself, the GOP would have probably won the Senate this year.

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And in Sarah Palin’s latest book, “America by Heart,” she apparently wrote that it was “disgusting” to watch “the father of my grandchild” Levi Johnston exploit his sudden fame. Right, as opposed to the mother of her grandchild.

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Wonder how Palin chose the title “America by Heart?”  I thought she thought America was by Russia?

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The book has not officially been released yet, though excerpts have been leaked. One thing’s for sure – looks like an early Christmas for comedy writers.

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Meanwhile, Willow Palin, 16, posted on her facebook page a number of slurs directed at a classmate, including telling him “Your (sic) such a f**got” Great, a homophobic illiterate. Her mother must be so proud.

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And not that I personally agree with Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski on a number of issues. But must admit, it’s kind of fun to watch. She’s irritating the GOP leadership these days more than any woman whose last name isn’t Pelosi.

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Tea Party Republican candidate Joe Miller has not yet conceded to Murkowski, who apparently has won re-election as a write-in candidate.  Miller’s latest potential  challenge, that her candidacy was unfair because she was actually appealing only to voters who could both read and write

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First Steve Nash announces he is divorcing, now Tony Parker’s wife has filed papers. Okay, who’d a thunk the longest married superstar in the NBA might end up being Kobe Bryant?

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One silver lining with this whole TSA invasive issue – After you make it through the airport Thanksgiving weekend, by comparision your mother’s questions at dinner may not seem quite so probing.

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In Los Angeles, supervisors have banned plastic bags. Said one lawmaker, “Plastic bags are a pollutant, they pollute the urban landscape.” Stand by for the supervisors’ next action – banning the Los Angeles Clippers.

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A Dutch company claims they have invented a skin patch that will help you lose weight. Sure, why not? Especially if you stick it over your mouth.

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Poor performances.

November 17, 2010
Charles Rangel was found guilty on 10 counts by the House Ethics Committee. This was shocking news to most Americans – the House HAS ethics?
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Despite stories of Donovan McNabb’s new $40 million contract being guaranteed, the Washington Redskins only have to pay $3.5 million if they cut him at the end of the season.  Translation, Brett Favre has a better chance of playing opening day in 2011 than McNabb.
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Pick your punchline – bipartisan joke.
The Redskins’ being routed 59-28 by the Philadelphia Eagles night…..
a.  Was the most disappointing performance in Washington history, well, since the current lame-duck Congress.
b. Will be the most disappointing performance in Washington history, well, until the new Congress takes over.
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In New Jersey, residents can now buy personalized license plates proclaiming that they are New Jersey Nets fans. Although the DMV has been instructed to give anyone who asks for such a plate a breathalyzer test.
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Actually, there might be one reason to buy a New Jersey Nets plate.  As a ruse to cover up the embarrassment of actually being a Knicks fan.
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A bomb threat Monday at Ohio State resulted in classes being cancelled in three academic buildings and the library being closed. At least that means no football players were affected.
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In the first episode of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” Sarah showed off a “baby-gate” on the stairs that she said was not only for Trig, but to keep her 16 year old daughter Willow’s boyfriend from going upstairs. Yeah, that worked out so well with Bristol.
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Facebook is starting up an email application. Let’s see, so this means the site could thus be used for both things you post casually to share with hundreds of people, as well as private communications between only you and your closest friends. What could possibly go wrong?
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The makers of “Four Loko”, a sweet alcoholic drink, have announced they will remove caffeine from their product.  Apparently the FDA is planning to ban caffeinated alcoholic beverages as unsafe. Wow. Good thing no one’s ever tried to put whiskey, sugar and cream in coffee.
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Cam Newton of Auburn remains eligible while the NCAA and FBI investigate allegations of him or his family being paid for him to choose a university.  But the Heisman committee may be justifiably afraid of voting for someone who may end up stripped of their trophy.
Meanwhile there’s always Oregon’s LaMichael James, perhaps the best running back in the country.   He’s only on two years probation (legal, not academic) from this past spring, after serving 10 days in jail for harrassing his former girlfriend.
And they wonder why some NFL players seem to think they can get away with anything.
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Carnival Cruise Lines has cancelled all sailings on the Splendour through mid January because of the fire  
The bad news for many travelers, they won’t be spending the holidays at sea with their families. The good news for some travelers, they won’t be spending the holidays at sea with their families.
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Timing is everything:  Lloyd’s Register, the international standards organization for ship classification and design , apparently is working with several companies to look into the feasibility of nuclear-powered commercial ships, including cruise ships.

I can see it now, the Carnival Glow Worm.

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Streak Buster.

November 16, 2010

Congrats to Buster Posey on winning NL Rookie of the Year. And that big collective sigh of relief you hear is all the writers who picked Jason Heyward before the NLDS.

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Posey was the first Giants to win the award since 1975.   A 35 year winless streak.   Wonder if back then Aubrey Huff was wearing a thong over his Pampers?.

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Since 1975, nine Los Angeles Dodgers have won the award. And curiously enough, the ONLY writer who didn’t even have Posey’s name on his ballot at all – Japan’s beat writer for the Dodgers.

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(Had Heyward won, particularly after he disappeared in the playoffs, would it have been considered a rookie mistake?)

Apparently Buster Posey was asked after winning the NL Rookie of the Year award if he would do the “I’m going to Disneyland” commercial. But Posey declined, saying he wanted to wait until he was old enough to go on all the rides.

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CNN asked the question. Is Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” reality TV or a campaign ad? The two, however, are not mutually exclusive.

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How much of a rout was the Eagles-Redskins game? At one point the p.a. system started playing “On Wisconsin.”-

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Before the Monday night game, the Redskin signed Donovan McNabb to a five-year contract extension worth $78 million,  $40 million guaranteed. And then he went out and threw three interceptions in a 59-28 lost to the Eagles.

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So just for one week, Washingtonians of all political persuasions agree the town’s biggest waste of money had nothing to do with Congress.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho :  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress.… That is NFL-speak for, “His ass will be tossed out in the snow any day.”

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Wisconsin coach Bret Bielman denied he was trying to run up the score, even though the Badgers beat Indiana 83-20, and were passing with a 69-13 lead. I guess had they really been trying to run up the score he’d have called fourth quarter “Hail Marys?.”

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Bill Clinton is going to appear in “Hangover 2.” Though for many Americans “Hangover 2” is the thought that another of George Bush’s sons may run for president.

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Actually, I’m confused, didn’t we break away from England partly to get away from a hereditary monarchy?

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Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Wood’s first alleged mistress, decided to finally tell her story to England’s “Daily Mail”   Yes, there was a time when we all thought Tiger’s marriage was on the rocks simply due to one affair.

Just as some naive sports fans believed Brett Favre would only have one retirement.

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Uchitel reportedly told a friend last summer she still wanted to marry Woods.  Let’s put that statement in the category of “Maybe not so smart women, but definitely foolish choices.”

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Alaska GOP senator Lisa Murkowski said she would not support Sarah Palin for President, saying she didn’t think she had “leadership qualities,” or “intellectual curiosity.” Of course, there are dissenters – “Whatever that intellectual stuff was, I never needed it” responded George W. Bush

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Are you ready for some bad football?

November 14, 2010

 The Buffalo Bills will not end up with a “perfect” record this year, since they won their first game today against the Detroit Lions. And to celebrate, the 1972 Miami Dolphins opened a case of really cheap generic beer.

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My friend Douglas Hudson pointed out that the Lions have now lost their 25th straight road game, breaking their own NFL record set in 2001-03.

In this environmentally conscious age, maybe Detroit should just declare themselves the NFL’s first truly “green” team and just forfeit the rest of their road games?  Would save travel costs, the associated “carbon footprint,” plus wear and tear on the players…

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Brett Favre seems to have recovered from his broken ankle, as he was running around the field like looking like a young man Sunday.  Unfortunately for the Vikings,  the young man he looked like was Vinny Testaverde.

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The lights went out for a brief time tonight during the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday night.  Although despite Dallas’s upset win, it was still about a month after the lights went out on the Cowboys’ season.

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A recent survey by the Chronicle of Higher Education found that 30 presidents of U.S. colleges and universities received more than $1 million in pay and benefits in 2008. As opposed to only 61 college football coaches who made over a million in salary alone.

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 San Francisco beat the Rams today in overtime 23-20, despite 14 penalties. Who knew… the secret of success might simply have been for the 49ers to become the Raiders?

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There are now allegations that parts of George W. Bush’s memoir were plagarized from other books and articles. On the brighter side, this might indicate that W. actually reads.

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A British study found that 1 in 10 men say they use the internet primarily to look for porn. The other nine presumably just go online to read the articles.

from Marc Ragovin: 

Bud Selig raised eyebrows the other day when he said that civil war veteran Abner Doubleday invented baseball, despite all evidence to the contrary. Leading Jamie Moyer to say: “I knew Abner Doubeday. I fought with Abner Doubleday. And Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.”

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No, it’s not a typo:

November 14, 2010

Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20. Worst loss in Indiana history. Or at least since Dan Quayle last played scrabble.

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83 points?  Seriously.  Today being the Wisconsin punter was about as relevant as being a caterer at a convention of super models.

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Nick Coombs sent in this stat, the only time the  Wisconsin men scored 83 in basketball last year was against… Indiana.

(For anyone who doesnt follow college basketball, Wisconsin’s basketball team, while usually pretty good,  plays a very defensive style that results in very low scoring games,  even in years when the team is good enough to make the NCAA tournament.)

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The U.S. Post Office lost over $8 billion last year and may have to go to five day a week mail service. Angry Americans plan to start a Facebook and email campaign to “Save Saturday delivery.”
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This weekend New York City is hosting the two-day Quidditch World Cup.  And over 40 broomstick-riding teams are participating.
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Wonder if the championship trophy will be given out by Christine O’Donnell?
But really?  Quidditch?   Even Trekkies are saying “How geeky can you get?”
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NFL priorities: This week the Panthers’ Jon Beason of the Carolina Panthers fined $10,000 for a hit to the head on the Saint’s Marques Colston. Meanwhile Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000, for wearing gold cleats.
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Reader Augie’s comment on David Lee, who compared the pain of  his infected elbow to giving birth. 

“Maybe David Lee’s wife gave birth to a 10lb elbow. Just think if he had gotten his head stuck in a hoop instead.”

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LeAnn Rimes actually  tweeted her best wishes to her ex-husband, who she famously cheated on,  She then added in another tweet “my congrats is from my heart. Sorry if you don’t understand it. I do not need the publicity, I get plenty”

Uh, LeAnn, if you don’t need the publicity, maybe a congratulatory phone call or email might have been better?

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Warning,  the next joke will only make sense to hockey fans.

What’s the difference between the Maple Leafs and the Sharks?  The regular season and the postseason.

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Don’t ask…

November 13, 2010
 (and don’t ask why the font is messed up tonight,  I think it’s gremlins.)
 
Anyway…
 
Cindy McCain has come out publicly in a video supporting gays’ right to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces, while her husband leads the Senate fight to maintain the status quo. Guessing that “What did you do today, honey?” conversations at the dinner table have given way to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”–

This weekend, Americans looking for escapist entertainment can watch a runaway train hurtling straight for disaster. And after the Cowboys game against the Giants, there’s also the movie “Unstoppable.”

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Jerry Jones stated that while he hopes interim coach Jason Garrett does well enough to earn a permanent position with the Cowboys, he had “Super Bowl-winning coaches solicit this job.” Really? I thought it was only NFL players, not sideline staff, who were getting those damaging concussions.

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Brett Favre said the 2011 is definitely his last. Right, and the newly elected Congress will definitely cut spending.

(and the Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl and the 49ers are going to the playoffs, etc…)

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Carnival Cruise Lines may have offer some big discounts next week to entice travelers who might have been scared off by this week’s events. Once they figure out what to title the promotion. Already vetoed – “Fire sale.”

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Former President Clinton gave up a thumbs up review to George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points,” and says everyone should read it. Of course Bill figures then that Americans will miss him more than ever.

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The Miami Heat, despite the presence of Lebron James and his friends Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, are only 5-4, which puts them on track to be one of the most over-hyped and over-rated teams of all time. Now all they need is to change their uniform to include pinstripes.

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Okay women friends and readers, how do you like this quote? It’s from David Lee, who plays basketball for the Golden State Warriors, about his infected elbow that will need surgery? “I know, I know, it’s an elbow scratch, but I was in the worst pain of my life, Now I know what it feels like to give birth”

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“Dancing With the Stars” Judge Carrie Ann Inaba told People magazine that she has a theory why the young woman, who is a relatively mediocre dancer, is in the semi-finals. 

Inaba stated  “Bristol Palin is somebody that I think most of Middle America and regular people can relate to. She is a regular girl with normal problems and issues” and as a result, people can see themselves in her.

Yeah, exactly, regular people get pregnant at 16, have their mom run for national office and have their engagement/breakup/engagement/breakup documented in exclusive interviews with major magazines.  I can see how Middle America would relate.

And don’t all teen moms have day care available anytime they want to give interviews, make speeches and go on reality shows??

 

   

 

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Boise State has a string of three nationally televised Friday night games in a row.  Tonight the Broncos destroyed Idaho 52-14, next week they take on Fresno State, and the following week Nevada.

Not that Boise State isn’t a good team, but shouldn’t this series of games be referred to as “Friday Night Lightweights.

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Tow, tow, tow your boat….

November 12, 2010

This great post title “Tow, tow, tow, your boat,” suggested by reader Gary Morton. And yes, it would make another possible new theme song for Carnival.

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And tonight the Splendor is back in port, having been pulled in by six tugs.  But while the ship’s electrical system may be kaput, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As passengers disembarked they were met by enterprising salespeople with $20 “I survived the 2010 Carnival Cruise Spamcation.”

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The t-shirt titles no doubt have potential too.

“My mom tried to go on a cruise to Mexico and all I got was a stale Pop Tart.”

“Spam, who said one million Hawaiians can’t be wrong.”

“Spam, it’s not just for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore.”

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Actually, a Carnival executive said no passengers were actually fed Spam.  Wonder what they used the stuff for instead.  A substitute for ice carving?

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One lesson from this cruise – be careful (or at least specific) what you wish for. Out of those thousands of people on the Carnival Splendor, there had to be at least one person who said, “You know what I’d really like is to get away from all technology for a while.”

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And a suggestion to passengers on the next Carnival Cruise, currently scheduled for November 21.  Probably not a good idea to be the first person to complain about cold eggs on the breakfast buffet.

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Apparently some passengers were joking that it might be the first cruise they had been on where they actually lost weight.  Just another way that cruise ships are different than the airlines – had some airline executive heard that he’d probably have tried to charge the passengers retroactively for a spa cruise.

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Okay, who’d have bet on this one? The last undefeated team in the NBA this season is the….New Orleans Hornets?!

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And the “Dream Team” Miami Heat are 5-4.  Making them right now possibly the most over-hyped and over-rated star-filled team in the U.S.

“Hey,” said the New York Yankees  “That’s OUR job.”

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Well, one good thing for the NBA out of Lebron’s “Decision.” It makes casual fans like me actually tune into at least part of some regular season games, just in hopes of seeing the Heat lose.

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Carlos Beltran said he would “consider” waiving his no-trade contract if the Mets asked. Actually I believe his precise words were “You can DO that? H*ll, yeah.”

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In a study involving 56 countries, the U.S. placed 31st in producing students with advanced math skills. Responded former President George W. Bush, “Well, at least we were in the top half.”

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Many people connected with “Dancing with the Stars” cannot believe Bristol Palin is still in the competition.  It’s not just that she’s not a great dancer, it’s that they figured that like her mom, she’d quit half way through and declare victory.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Jets kicker Nick Folk didn’t know that his overtime FG had beaten the Lions, admitting that he thought that the Lions would get possession if he made the kick.Meanwhile, the NFL is investigating to see if , during the game,Folk had been exchanging texts with Donovan McNabb”

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The Cowboys and other amateur football.

November 11, 2010

On November 13, Cowboys’ Stadium in Arlington, Texas will host Manny Pacquiao fighting Antonio Margarito for the WBC super welterweight title. For local sports fans who have been watching the Rangers and Cowboys, this may be the first time this month they can cheer for some real hits.

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George W. Bush said it hurt his feelings when Kanye West said he didn’t care about black people. Besides, it’s not true. As President, George W. didn’t care about poor people of all colors equally.

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Now Cam Newton, the Auburn quarterback and Heisman frontrunner, being accused of academic cheating and selling his services to the highest bidder, allegations that might make him ineligible for the award..  Although.many voters say so far these allegations will not affect their decision..

 
Considering the committee just got Bush’s award back, maybe they should start referring to it as the “Interim Heisman.”
 
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While appearing in Dallas with Governor Rick Perry, Sarah Palin started her talk by telling family stories, while saying they were stories she had told before. And she stated “I need to run for office just so I have more material to share in my speeches” Uh, couldn’t Palin also have gotten more material by finishing out her last elected term?
 

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Queen Elizabeth of England now has a Facebook page. Wonder if there was a trace of a royal smile when under family and children she entered “It’s complicated.”

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Super Bowl winning quarterback Jim McMahon said at a Chicago Bears team reunion that he is losing his memory. Bears fans just wish they could lose their memories of Rex Grossman.

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According to ESPN.com, in 2012, the Univ. of Denver, Texas-San Antonio and Texas State will join the WAC, joining Hawaii, Louisiana Tech, Idaho, New Mexico State, Utah State and San Jose State. (Boise State, Fresno State and Nevada are leaving for the Mountain West.) Stand by for the all-new “Who gives a crap” bowl.

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Actually the University of Denver will only join the WAC in basketball, as the school doesn’t have a football team. Undeterred, the WAC will continue to look for another team that would be a good match….although they haven’t heard back from the Denver Broncos.

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Latest Carnival Cruise Line slogan – “Cruising, unplugged.”

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Carnival’s “Fun Ships” may soon offer a whole new range of exciting activities. For starters – Spam carving and as my friend Steve suggested,  skeet shooting with Pop Tarts.

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Meanwhile, as the Splendor gets towed back to San Diego, you know somewhere else off the coast of Mexico, someone else is complaining about runny eggs and limp bacon on the breakfast buffet.

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And over in England,  Later this month, a stage adaptation of the movie “Love Story,” will open in London. And all around the city, men are telling their wives “Honey, of course I’ll get tickets, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather I go shopping with you instead?”

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But seriously, how many married men will voluntarily go to see the play “Love Story?”  Of course, buying tickets and going with their wives may end up being a new way for men to say they’re sorry.

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