Posted tagged ‘SF Giants jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

Grandmother of our Country?

August 10, 2011

Sarah Palin welcomed her second grandchild, a healthy little girl, born to son Track and wife Britta. Who were married May 21. It’s amazing the advances medicine has made in dealing with very premature babies.

–
Actually, preemies appear to run in the family, as Track himself was born April 20, 1989, and Sarah and Todd eloped August 29, 1988.

–

An Arizona man is recovering after police say he accidentally shot himself in the penis while putting his girlfriend’s gun in the waistband of his pants. Wow. Who would a thunk that Plaxico Burress might have dodged a bullet?

–
The NY Daily News is reporting that MLB officials will soon meet with with Alex Rodriguez regarding his alleged involvement in high-stakes poker games. I’m not sure A-Rod gets it; apparently when the Yankees star was told he really needs to avoid bad situations and focus on baseball, he replied “Absolutely, I’m all in.”

Recently released records show former OSU football coach Jim Tressel made $21.7 million in 10 years as Buckeye coach, including $4.6 million directly from an exclusive deal the university had with Nike. Gosh, can’t imagine how those players ended up with the idea of selling memorabilia.

–

I make no claims to understand the stock markets. But with all these GOP candidates blaming the markets big drop Monday on Obama, wonder why I haven’t heard a single one of them say his speech yesterday might have had something to do with Tuesday’s 420 point gain.

–

Los Angeles businessman Alex Meruelo is going to buy the Atlanta Hawks, during the NBA lockout. Since he’s from Southern California, some wonder why he didn’t try to buy the Clippers. Responded Meruelo – I may be crazy, but not THAT crazy.

–
Michele Bachmann’s latest promise – “I guarantee you the EPA (U.S. Environmental Protection Agency) will have doors locked and lights turned off.” Well, yeah, the EPA was proposed and signed into law by that noted liberal whacko President Richard Nixon.

–
The winner of a video contest will get a chance to bat against Giants’ ace Tim Lincecum in spring training. The at-bat will be delayed until then because San Francisco doesn’t want the winner to embarrass the team’s other hitters.

–
The San Francisco Giants scored a run in the fourth inning and the Pirates pitching coach comes out to the mound. Clearly this unusual event was cause for concern…

And when the team scored three runs in the eighth (two unearned), you had to wonder if the scoreboard operator remembered how to put a crooked number in the Giants column.

–
From T.C. “All these riots and looting in London England – wtf are the Canucks fans doing there in the middle of the off season???

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Summer time, and the laughing is easy.

June 22, 2011

One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.

–

Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific.   The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning.  How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?

–

Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”

–

Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.

–

Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.

–

“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”

–

Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.

–

In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.

–

An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?

–

This next may only make sense to California readers…

Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.

–

Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.

The department, however,  declined to release details of  the investigation.  Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV. 

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 7 Comments

Busted?

June 4, 2011

Fanned by San Franciscos GM Brian Sabean, the controversy continues over the Scott Cousins-Buster Posey collision at home plate. But had Cousins only knocked over Tejada at third, and put Miguel out for the year, Giants fans would be buying Scott drinks.

–

Over the objections of the SEC football coaches, the conference’s school presidents and chancellors voted Friday to reduce the annual signing classes in football to 25 from 28. SEC players were incensed, saying that’s cutting recruits by 1/3.

–

With all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and John Edward’s illegitimate children, why does everyone use the term “love child?” Wouldn’t “lust child” be more appropriate?

–

The indictment against John Edwards said he spent $925,000 to keep his love child under cover. Jeez, and some people think Planned Parenthood is expensive.

–

The Gores are divorced, John Edwards has been indicted, Trump and Gingrich are on their third wives… Who’d a thunk one of the better political marriages of our time might belong to the Clintons?

–

Joe Montana’s son Nate, 21, who was arrested last year for underage drinking, has now been arrested for DUI in Missoula, where he plays college football. Joe may have hoped his son would end up with the SF 49ers, but these days looks like Nate is heading towards the Cincinnati Bengals.

–

Terrelle Pryor’s godfather and legal guardian told SI that he believes the embattled quarterback will finish his career at Ohio State. Uh, considering the allegations, it might be possible that Pryor HAS finished his career at Ohio State.

–

Losing sympathy fast for NBC  with the NHL finals.  With three days between games even casual fans who were getting the hang of it will forget what icing, offside, etc mean…. 

–

Semi-literary detour:  R.I.P Josephine Hart, 69, a British poet and novelist died of cancer this week. Americans may know her best from the novel/movie “Damage.” With one of the better lines in a work of fiction ever written “”Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

Gary Morton on “Weiner-gate”  Speaking of Weiners, I’m sure Anthony’s getting no sympathy from John Boehner about the pronunciation of his name.

–

But really, is Weiner ever going to shut up and stop digging himself deeper into a whole?  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

–

The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

–

The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

–

–

Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

–

–

Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

–

Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

–

The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

–

Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

–

From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

–
 

So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

–

Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

–

What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

–

Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

–

In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

–

Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

–

Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Happy (belated) birthday, Willie.

May 7, 2011

Willie Mays turned 80 years old on Friday.  The “Say Hey” kid is still pretty spry. In fact he clearly remembers every detail of his first hit, against Jamie Moyer.

Okay Giants fans, anyone who watched Friday’s game?  A show of hands from all of you who figured the Giants would come back from 3-0 in the 6th.   Now all of you liars put your hands down.

–

And on the occasion of Willie Mays’ 80th birthday, my favorite quote after his miraculous World Series catch was from Giants’ reliever Don Liddle, who threw the ball Vic Wertz hit.  Liddle reportedly came back to the dugout afterwards and said “I got my man.”

–

San Francisco Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens has been selected as an astronaut for a space expedition being planned by his native Curacao, as the Caribbean nation tries to start a space tourism program.    When asked why he volunteered Meulens reportedly said that it would be an honor,  he wants to serve his country, and besides Brian Wilson has always spoken highly of his home planet.

–

Rough night for the Lakers, who led by seven with five minutes left, and still fell to the Dallas Mavericks, who now lead the best-of-seven series 3-0.   This could be the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles.  Are we sure the McCourts aren’t somehow involved?

–

–

Brett Favre now says he might become a coach or work as a television analyst in the future. Of course it will probably take him 10 years to decide which one.

–

Saturday is the “Run for the Roses.” And besides all the folks who forgot and are scrambling for flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s also the Kentucky Derby.

–

One of the horses in the Derby is named “Pants on Fire.”  My son points out what a shame it is that there isn’t another horse in the field named “Liar, Liar.”   Because then the stretch drive could be truly memorable.

“And down the stretch they come It’s Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…”

–

The San Jose City Council decided not to rename “Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport” to “Norman Y. Mineta Silicon Valley/San Jose International Airport.” Even the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim thought that sounded a bit unwieldy.

–

Arthur Laurents, who wrote “West Side Story,” died at the age of 93.   Now, ironically, when San Jose got their hockey team, there was a naming contest and the first-place finisher was “Blades” But the owners were worried about potential gang name associations, and went with the runner-up, “Sharks.” (True.)

–

Good thing Baltimore isn’t likely to win the World Series and be invited to the White House anytime in the next decade – Orioles star Luke Scott quoted this week “(President Obama’s) birth certificate has yet to be validated … If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it’s a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate…. Anybody can produce a document, so let’s check it out.”

Al-Qaida has confirmed Osama Bin Laden’s death and vowed “retaliation.” So since their announced plan already was to destroy America, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Too gruesome?

May 5, 2011

Apparently photos will not be released because they’re too gruesome. And besides pictures of the Lakers’ shooting in game two, President Obama won’t release pictures of Bin Laden’s corpse either.

–

Rough few days in Los Angeles. The Dodgers found out that the team doesn’t have enough money to cover their paychecks. And the Lakers didn’t do anything to earn theirs.

–

Now that we’ve got Bin Laden, time for the important stuff: The DOJ apparently has sent the NCAA a letter asking why there isn’t a playoff system for college football, saying “serious questions” continue to be raised about whether the current Bowl Championship Series complies with federal antitrust laws.

–

Well, so much for all those doubters who didn’t believe Boise State had a big-time football program. They’ve now been charged by the NCAA with rules violations and have self-imposed sanctions. Another step closer to joining the SEC!

–

Although the World Champion San Francisco Giants have been in a serious slump at the plate for weeks, many long-time team observers say not to hit the panic button yet. Besides, the way the Giants are going, if they went for the panic button they’d swing and miss.

–

Tim Lincecum struck out 12 against the Mets tonight to move ahead of Christy Mathewson for most double-digit strikeout games in Giants history (29). And most amazingly, Timmy’s done it all before hitting puberty.

–

And it’s two wins in a row for the SF Giants, who had been struggling mightily. Of course, maybe these wins should have an asterisk. They were against the Mets.

–

Tough times at Citi Field in New York. Have heard the most common chant now has changed from “Let’s Go Mets,” to “Please Go Mets.”

–

I’m not a big country fan, but American Idol’s Scotty McCreery could sell out HP Pavilion and a number of arenas across the country tomorrow. (And while he was a high school pitcher, I think it’s a safe bet his baseball career is over.)

From T.C. 

Reports explain how the Navy SEAL helicopters were able to infiltrate the Osama Bin Laden compound and take him out.

His ATC workers were sleeping at the time of the attack.

–

Jerry Brown says that to deal with the budget crisis, California may have to cut 20 days off the school year. The Governor’s poll numbers with teenagers just doubled.

–

And a tweet from a twit:  Sarah Palin’s latest about releasing a death photo of Osama bin Laden. “Show photo as warning to others seeking America’s destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it’s part of the mission.”

“Pussy-footing around?” Does she mean like the previous administration did in not going after Bin Laden?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

You might be a die-hard SF Giants fan if….

October 29, 2010

Your team wins two games in a row by a combined total of 13 runs, and you can’t stop worrying about when the serious torture is going to start.

–

Viewers who tuned into Fox Thursday night about 1030 Eastern time were surprised to see what they thought was a scarier version of Glee’s “Rocky Horror” show.  In reality it was just the  Rangers’ bullpen.

–

After the eighth inning,  the P.A. system at A T and T played one of the Giants’ anthems – “Living on a Prayer.”  Maybe the most apt line tonight “Halfway there.”

–

Giants GM Brian Sabean has complained over the years about the “lunatic fringe.” Yeah, but that term describes a good portion of the 25 guys who just won the first game of the World Series.

–

A few quotes of the night.

Texas coach Ron Washington about relief pitcher Derek Holland “I wasn’t expecting him to throw 12 balls in 13 pitches, It happened.”

–

from an anonymous source, “Holland now has the title of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.”

–

And maybe the only even semi- funny thing I’ve ever heard Tim McCarver say, caught on a televised replay after the 8th inning.   “The Giants have been winning with pitching.  And they are again. Not theirs.”

–

A couple more games like this and the Texas Rangers bullpen will be charged with impersonating major league pitchers.

–

This just in from Bill Williams:  Two wins in a row for the Giants.  If this keeps up George W. Bush will be flying in with a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

–

Brett Favre may have an ankle injury but he said today he still thinks he can play. Hasn’t that been his problem for years?

–

Karl Rove said the Sarah Palin may not have the “gravitas” to be President. Responded Palin? How absurd, everybody has gravitas.  And didn’t that Newton guy discover it?

–

And non-partisan thought to close:

I admit I’m not a fan of the “Commit to Vote” messages. Yet it’s hard to imagine being so jaded you can’t find SOMETHING or SOMEONE (for or against) to care about on the ballot next Tuesday. Considering all the problems in this country, maybe the line should be “You should be committed if you don’t bother to vote.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Welcome to the torture chamber?

October 7, 2010

I am actually carrying such a sign to the Giants-Braves game on Thursday.  (Well actually “Atlanta, Welcome to the Torture Chamber.”

–

A sign you might be a latecomer to the Giants bandwagon if…. you turn on the TV Thursday night,  wonder what the manager’s hippie kid is doing walking on the field, and then realize, it’s SF’s starting pitcher.

–

For anyone who is convinced the SF Giants will lose because many of their players, especially the pitchers, don’t have playoff experience – tonight was Roy Halladay’s first postseason appearance.

–

Okay SF fans, let’s be honest. If you had to bet on which playoff team would be no-hit in the first round, wouldn’t you have figured it would be the Giants?

–

Much discussion in the SF area about whether the Giants will leave Barry Zito off the playoff roster.  If they do,  Zito and his $126 million contract might become known as the biggest waste of money in recent California history. Well, at least until Meg Whitman is done running for governor.

–

For anyone looking for a playoff team to root for, consider the SF Giants. They’re a hardworking, scrappy, entertaining bunch. And besides, if they beat the Braves in the first round they will reduce America’s exposure to the dreaded Tomahawk Chop.

Bud Selig is bragging that that one World Series game, game three, this year will start at 655p, so children on the East Coast might actually be able to stay up and watch most of the game. But it’s the SATURDAY night game. Now, Sunday night, a school night, game four starts at 820p EST.

—

Palin’s camp has been criticizing Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller for his tepid comments about her qualifications to run for president in 2012.

Miller finally responded by saying: “We have a constitutional requirement (for running for president). Of course she is qualified.” Palin is still not happy, but it’s more than many Republicans say about President Obama.
–
How things change. A few months ago the Delaware politician known for the craziest off-the-cuff remarks was Joe Biden.
–
First Tiger Woods, now Meg Whitman.  Any potential sports superstars or political candidates take note: Whatever else you do in life, do whatever it takes to stay on good terms with ex-mistresses or employees.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: 2 Comments

Magic numbers?

September 28, 2010

With six games to go, SF Giants magic number is 6. L.A. Dodgers magic number is 18.

–

Tonight, temperamental Chicago hurler Carlos Zambrano stepped up big time and the Cubs hung on for a 1-0 win over the San Diego Padres. Grateful Giants fans are considering sacrificing a water cooler in Zambrano’s honor.

–
The SF Giants, one of the most “offensively-challenged” teams in baseball, will play the similarly afflicted San Diego Padres this weekend, with the NL Western Division title probably on the line. This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks.

–
Sad story about the owner of the Segway company falling off a cliff while riding one of his machines. Sad, really. But I defy anyone to read the story without at least trying to stop giggling.

–

Georgia Bulldogs freshman linebacker Demetre Baker, 19, was jailed this weekend in Athens on DUI and underage alcohol possession charges.

This makes him the 10th football player from the University arrested this year. On a brighter note, Georgia announced they officially are now running the NCAA’s best NFL preparedness program.

–
For Canadian football fans – The cellar-dwelling Winnipeg Blue Bombers are actually a .500 team at home, but are winless in their six away games. In fact, they might have the worst record on the road since George Michael.

–
Braylon Edwards was arrested last week for DUI, with a alleged blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. Jets coach Rex Ryan suspended him for ONE quarter, saying he thought Braylon had “suffered enough.” And Edwards caught a 67-yard touchdown catch that the team beat the Dolphins 31-23 Sunday. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

(If he’d injured or killed someone in an accident wonder if Ryan would have suspended him for a whole half?)
–

While Michael Douglas’ sequel to “Wall Street” was the number one movie last week, it still put up disappointing numbers after mostly mediocre reviews. Apparently while “Money Never Sleeps,” the audience might doze off.

–

As the Denver Nuggets try to unload a disgruntled Carmelo Anthony, Anthony is perhaps trying to salvage his reputation by insisting, “I’ve never said I wanted to be traded. I never once said anything about trade talk.”

Indeed, a trade means someone else gets to choose. Carmelo just wants to play where HE wants to play. Wonder if he’s already trying working out a deal for an ESPN special.

–
from Bill Littlejohn: “Stanford’s FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie.”
–
Rough day for the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers. Who’d a thunk that the best football team in California this year might turn out to be Stanford?

–
Christine O’Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don’t tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

The once and future King?

September 24, 2010

Larry King visited the set of SNL this week and apparently asked about being a guest host. While they were intrigued, the show’s producers said they were actually moving more in the direction of younger trendy hosts like Betty White.

–
Katy Perry was bounced off Sesame Street for being too slutty. This is not good for Miss Piggy.

–
All this talk from Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman about what they’ll do if elected. But what about the issue that seems to be uppermost on Californians minds- do either of them have a plan to fix Lindsay Lohan?

–

Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

–

The San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff has now allowed 3 runs or fewer in 18 straight games, a modern day record, eclipsed only by the dead ball era – 1916 NY Giants and the 1917 Chicago White Sox.

Even more amazing, Giants pitchers are doing it without benefit of pitching against their own lineup.

–
First a little background on the next thought. At Coors Field the Rockies some years back started putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars, to make them moister and heavier. This after years of softball scores. The humidor works as the moist balls are heavier and don’t fly off the bat like a normal baseball left out in the dry mile-high air.

All well and good, but in the past few years, the Rockies have been putting up incredible numbers at home, especially in September. And one theory, which I subscribe to, is that just maybe they are putting some of those dried-out balls into the game, particularly late or when they are behind.

One Rockies spokesman said it wouldn’t happen due to the “integrity of the game,” (right, baseball has the longest history of cheating of maybe any major sport, from stealing signs to corked bats to pretending to be hit by a pitch.)

Anyway, my son told me tonight that there was video of Tim Lincecum asking for a new baseball and his lips clearly said “blanking juiced ball.”

Of course, it could be his imagination. And baseball is a mind game. Or maybe not.

–

Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

–
Carly Fiorina’s latest commercial is all about Barbara Boxer asking a general to call her “Senator” rather than “M’am” during a congressional hearing. Good to see Fiorina is really focused on the crucial issues facing California.

–
Reader Gary Morton commented on the idea of Sarah Palin being elected president (Hey, who thought W. could ever be elected…) But if it happened, which 2 years of her term would she choose to serve

–
A woman in Montana got a bear to run out of her garden by throwing zucchini at the animal. Assume the bear was a teenager. (Although personally I avoid zucchini myself.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Outages?

September 24, 2010

To anyone who saw the SF Giants Chicago Cubs score tonight. It was not a transmission problem, please do not adjust your set.

–
The final score 13-0. How bad was it? My twisted friend Ben Burnett said many Cubs fans were feeling guilty, secretly hoping that the would-be bomber would return.

–
–
On the other hand, Facebook had outages all day. The horror. Millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

–
And as Alex Kaseberg noted, Christine O’Donnell was very upset over Mafia Wars being down. Millions of people were forced to whack themselves.

–
Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons fell off a horse and will need surgery for a broken pelvis. But he also apparently will make a full recovery and is “alert and coherent.” Many Nevada voters from both parties are now urging Sharron Angle to go horseback riding
–

How can any comedy writer hope to compete with this? Sarah Palin on running for president -“If nobody else wanted to step up, I would offer myself up in the name of service to the public. I don’t need the title, I don’t need — for any kind of self-gratification, any personal power seeking of my own — to run for office,”

–
Turns out San Francisco 49ers and Giants fans have something in common. They both root for teams who do all their scoring once a week.

–
Seriously, why the SF Giants should make the playoffs – their pitching staff now holds the modern day (since 1920) record for 17 consecutive starts holding the opponents to 3 or less runs. Why they may not make the playoffs. the team has lost 6 of those 17 starts.

–
Don Nelson is stepping down as coach of the Warriors. Although many frustrated Golden State fans will tell you he hasn’t been actually coaching the team for years.

–
Katy Perry sang her version of “Hot N Cold” for Sesame Street. But the show’s producers decided her bustier was too revealing and pulled the segment before it aired.

Too bad, no doubt millions of kids would have never forgotten “B is for Boobjob.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Stiff upper lip?

June 30, 2010

A new study indicates that Botox may not only paralyze facial muscles, it may actually hinder “emotional processing,” because those muscles help the brain process information. Which could explain why Nancy Pelosi never seems stressed.

–
Who’d a thunk it? Larry King is going to retire before Brett Favre.
–

Yeah, penalty kicks after a 0-0 tie are exciting. But for a casual soccer fan in terms of payoff to total time expended watching the match, it’s kind of like being being an action movie fan who hates romantic dramas, waiting through 2 1/2 hours of Titanic to watch the boat sink.

–
Silver lining to the U.S. meltdown at Wimbledon….doesn’t look like Americans will have to work on their bows and curtsies if the Queen returns for the trophy presentations.

–
And let’s see, the U.S. is out of the World Cup, mostly out of Wimbledon, Tiger Woods isn’t in a major this weekend and it’s too early to think about baseball pennant races. So this Fourth of July weekend a common refrain could be “Hey, honey, you always are so accommodating about what I want to do, let’s say we go shopping.”

–
Two major baserunning errors by Pablo Sandoval in two days, each costing the San Francisco Giants at least a run. This is not exactly what the Giants were hoping for in terms of Pandamonium.
–

Congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks, for winning the College World Series. Everyone at the University is thrilled, except for football coach Steve Spurrier, who is trying to figure out a way to claim part of the credit.

–

Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson was arrested Tuesday and charged with misdemeanor assault after a bar altercation last month. Well, the preseason hasn’t even started yet and already the Bengals look to be in midseason form.

–
Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist after the Lakers won the championship. If the Bengals ever get it together to win a Super Bowl, wonder how many of them will thank their parole officers?

–

Yet another example of why translation software is not perfect. This is an actual quote from the website of the deluxe Royal Plaza hotel in Singapore, about their award-winning dinner buffet restaurant –

“Be mesmerized by the enormous spread of seafood and expect succulent and tender flesh. ”

–

A lot of the GOP’s questioning of Elena Kagan seems to revolve around whether or she can be “impartial.” Somehow I missed the part when they used this line of questioning on Justices Roberts and Alito.

(Whatever happened to “elections have consequences?”)

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

New oxymoron : SF Giants situational hitting

June 29, 2010

The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.”

–
Seriously, that moment in a game when you either get up and go to the concession stand, or if at home to the kitchen, because you just KNOW you’re not going to miss anything… Now, as a SF Giants fan I don’t want to be too greedy. On the other hand those moments should not be when “your” team puts runners on first and third with nobody out…

–

Some San Francisco 49ers fans are worried because their former top personnel executive, Scot McCloughan, is now working for the Seattle Seahawks for seven whole days, and they are worried about him giving away valuable secrets.

Note to fans, have you seen the 49ers’ record the past few years? There are no valuable secrets.

–

Now that the USA is out, heard at office water coolers across America. “Anyone hear who won this morning’s World Cup match? Yeah, me neither.”

Now FIFA is finding out what the PGA world is like without Tiger Woods.

(actually, as a reader pointed out, FIFA is fine. The way I should have written this, now in the US, ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods.)
—
R.I.P. Senator Robert Byrd, who died today at the age of 92. Although a Democrat, he was popular with members of both parties. John McCain especially liked that Byrd referred to him as “that nice young man.”

–

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the “Christian Legal Society,” which bars gays from joining, but had sued Hastings law school to get funding and recognition. Justice Alito, dissenting, said it was a “serious setback for freedom of expression.” Wonder if he would have said the same thing had it been, say, a “Witches Legal Society.”

–

Joe Biden is being criticized for calling the manager of a Wisconsin frozen custard shop a smarta**. So would it have been better if he used the same language as our former V.P. and told the guy to f*** himself?

–

And while we are using asterisks. Does FIFA really stand for “Feigning Indignation, F**ked Again?”

–

Regarding all those World Cup flops. Not like U.S. sports fans aren’t used to flopping in the NBA, and players trying to draw penalties in the NFL. Not to mention all the games baseball players play. But this is enough to make fans long for the purity and honesty of professional wrestling.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

The Giants offense and other jokes.

May 25, 2010

Anyone else think that just MAYBE the Giants are carrying this effort to prove their team doesn’t take PED’s in the post-Bonds era just a little too far?

–
Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat.

–
New York is currently the favorite for hosting the 2014 Super Bowl. City residents are thrilled -tickets are likely to cost less than a Yankees home game.

–

Orlando pulled out an overtime win against Boston to avoid being swept in the NBA Eastern Conference finals. So at least the team avoided a Magic performance that was almost as dismal as the last show of Siegfried and Roy.

–
Just how painful has watching the Celtics-Magic matchup been for Orlando fans? Most of them said, given a choice, they might actually wish instead to be stuck on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

–

Jennifer Hudson is featured on the cover of the latest issue of People Magazine showing off her new shape. The singer-actress has dropped from a size 16 to a 6. Some say it’s the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut Jamarcus Russell.

–
U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin said that Tiger Woods would not be an “automatic” pick for the team. That’s odd, I thought what Tiger proved he did best this past year was “Ryder.”

–

The Phoenix Suns’ Steve Nash, 36, who’s already played one game with an eye swollen shut, will now have surgery to repair a broken nose he suffered in game three against the Los AngelesLakers.

Two questions: Who’d a thunk the toughest player on the court would be an old white guy? And with that attitude, how did the Canadian Nash not end up playing hockey?

–

My friend Neil Berliner wrote this one: “Lance Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Ridiculous; in the past 15 years, the guy hasn’t had a single home run.”

–
When asked about religion this conservative politician responded “I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line.” And he added “my politics is not faith-driven.” In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U.S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary.
–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

–
Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

–
Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

–

Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

–
Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

–
The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

–
New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

–

A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

–

USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

–

A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

–
commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

–
In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 7 Comments

Second verse, same as the first….

August 25, 2009

Ever remember that old kid’s song with the refrain “Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse…”?

Giants Box Score from Friday’s 11-14 loss to the Rockies.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR

Miller, Ju (L, 2-2) 0.2 4 4 4 2 0 1
Valdez, M 0.2 2 4 4 3 1 0

And tonight’s 6-4 loss in 14 innings.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR
Miller, Ju (L, 2-3) 0.0 1 3 3 2 0 0
Valdez, M (BS, 3) 0.0 1 1 1 0 0 1

So yes, for Justin Miller that’s a total of 2 outs, 5 hits, 4 walks, SEVEN earned runs.
And for Merkin Valdez thats 2 outs, 3 hits, 3 walks, FIVE earned runs. Including tonight’s walkoff grand slam.

12 earned runs, a total of 1 and 1/3 innings. That’s more than Giants hitters get in many weeks.

–
So who’s bringing the sign tomorrow to A T and T park? “Miller and Valdez – Wild Card Death Panel.”

–

–
For Giants fans, tonight will go down as an epic. Sort of like Waterworld.

–
Plaxico Burress says that the nightclub security staff was aware he was carrying a gun into the nightclub the night he accidentally shot himself.

If true, that’s got to make New Yorkers feel warm and fuzzy and safe. I mean, guns in sweatpants, what could possibly go wrong?

But his story does perhaps illustrate a potential niche service for NY clubs. Hat check, coat check, gun check….

–
And back to commie pinko time…..

A story in the NY Times says with all the various appointments and resignations, almost 27 percent of Americans will soon be represented by at least one unelected senator. Big deal, after the 2000 election 100 percent of us were represented by an unelected president.

–

Apparently President Obama brought five books with him on vacation. In a display of bipartisan goodwill, when former President George W. Bush heard about it he sent Barack a brand new box of crayons.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Newer Entries »