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“Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Cowboys.”

October 26, 2010

 

At least not in Dallas these days.

It’s late October, and the SF Giants and Texas Rangers prepare to meet up in the World Series.  After NFL week seven, the  SF 49ers and Dallas Cowboys have something in common too – one win each.

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What makes Cowboys fans madder? The fact that Romo hasn’t been that effective and is now out for the season. Or the fact that there is really no way they can blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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Bad officiating may have cost both the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings wins last weekend.  Who do these refs think they are – MLB umpires?

(Actually on a serious note, for fans of instant replay, both mistakes, one on a disputed fumble that the Dolphins appeared to have recovered, and the other on a touchdown the Vikings receiver appeared to have caught, WERE reviewed and were still probably called wrongly. )

Since Benjie Molina played two months with the San Francisco Giants before he was traded to the Texas Rangers, he gets a ring no matter who wins.

Speaking of which, have heard Brett Favre just made another call, to Kobe Bryant for the name of his jeweler.

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Question of the day. If most sports fans agree that “good pitching beats good hitting,” why is everyone so shocked that the Phillies batted .216 in the NLCS?

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A-Rod was apparently been partying with Lebron James down in Miami. Well, makes sense they should be palling around – the Yankees are out and the Heat are playing preseason games. Hard to tell which of them has been more irrelevant this month.

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An article in the Wall Street Journal says that Giants ace Tim Lincecum looks like he is 14 years old. Not true. Lincecum looks like he is 16 at least. Now, catcher Buster Posey, he looks like he is 12.

Only 5 out of 27 picked the Rangers to beat the Rays. However, one of them picked the Rangers not only to win the ALCS but, and believe it or not, picked them to win the WS as well. That person was Amy Nelson. She is either

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About one week before the election. And is anyone else about at the point of saying “I don’t care what party you are from or what cause you are for, if you ‘robocall’ me I am going to vote against you?

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Meg Whitman is warning of dire economic consequences should Californians elect Jerry Brown.  Well, there will be one consequence for sure – the state’s media businesses losing over $100 million a year from Meg’s self-funded campaign.

Meg Whitman begins her new ad: “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience,”

And in Nevada with Sharron Angle running against Harry Reid, a lot of folks say to California “we’ll trade you.”

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commie pinko time below.

Carly Fiorina is running a television ad saying “I’m prepared to oppose my party when it’s wrong ad.”

On October 11, 2002, the Senate voted 77-23 to authorize President Bush to attack Iraq. One of those 23 was Barbara Boxer.

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Morning after…

October 25, 2010

You know you’ve been a Giants fan all year when… you woke up this morning and wanted to check the paper or online to make sure it really did happen, and Howard didn’t hit a walkoff homerun or something…

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Still don’t believe this is magic? Juan Uribe of the SF Giants…. 25 home runs total this year. And how many to the opposite field? One.  Saturday night in Philly.

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We have all heard now how Christine O’Donnell says she is not a witch.  Has anyone heard Bruce Bochy say he is not a warlock?

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Anyone in California feeling sorry for those Phillies fans should read some Philadelphia papers online. Those papers were indeed full of angst tonight, but it was more about the Eagles losing to the Titans.

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Headline in L.A Times today: “Giants ride hit charade to the World Series.” But let’s be fair, it must be hard for Los Angeles. Other than USC, the city hasn’t had a professional football team for years. This year they really didn’t have a professional baseball team either.

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Meanwhile, the now 1-6,San Francisco 49ers announced in a press release that contrary to expectations and popular belief, the team has discovered that are PLENTY of things that could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning. 

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49ers coach Mike Singletary thinks his 1-6 team can still make the playoffs.  Playoffs?  At this point San Francisco would be a longshot to be bowl-eligible.

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So the NFL is now sending the 1-6 49ers (who just lost to the previously winless Panthers) and the 2-5 Broncos (who just were destroyed by the Raiders) to play in London next week. Is this a game or an extradition?

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The 49ers lost two fumbles and an interception Sunday, the Broncos lost FIVE fumbles and an interception.  Maybe because the British are used to football being soccer, the NFL decided to send them two teams who don’t regularly use their hands.

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Meg Whitman is decrying the practice of allowing students who are not legal immigrants to attend California universities, saying they are taking places from California citizens. 

As opposed to kids whose places might be taken at places like Princeton because other students’ parents donate money to build new dorms?

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Meg Whitman’s new California ad states “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience.”

Over in Nevada, however, where voters have the Senate choice between Harry Reid and Sharron Angle, the number one response to that ad “We’ll trade you.”

(In all seriousness, for those not following the Nevada race, well more than half of each candidates “supporters” say they wish they had someone else to vote for.)

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And somewhere men are laughing…

October 24, 2010

And somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Philly.  Mighty Howard has struck out.

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Ryan Howard clearly didn’t read the late great umpire Durwood Merrill’s memoir “You’re out and you’re ugly too.”

In that book, Merrill said he had one response for batters who complained about a 3-2 called strike. “If it wasn’t a strike it was close enough. You think all these people paid their way in here to see you walk?”

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And perhaps apropos of nothing, but the Phillies payroll of almost $150 million?  It will end up about the same amount of money Meg Whitman will spend on her California gubernatorial campaign.

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San Diego Padres pitcher Mat Lantos ridiculed the Giants late in the season by saying San Francisco had just gone out and “grabbed players from other teams.”

Well, sort of, except that the Padres themselves added Miguel Tejada and Ryan Ludwick. And more importantly the Phillies added Roy Oswalt,  the Rangers added Cliff Lee, the Yankees (who wanted Lee) added Lance Berkman and Kerry Wood.

With all due respect, most playoff bound teams go shopping at Saks.   The Giants went to the Rack and the Dollar Store.

(And as far as names, Ramirez, Lopez and Ross?  Not exactly marquee talent. Not to mention Burrell who was picked up midseason, quite literally for almost nothing.)

Regarding Pat Burrell, who was flat out released by the Tampa Rays, at least they have a player on their payroll in the World Series.

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A tale of two LCS’s. The Rangers outscored the Yankees by 19 runs in their six games. The Giants won their LCS in six games by scoring 19 runs exactly.  (The Phillies actually scored 20.  But who’s counting?)

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NBA commissioner David Stern said that contracting (translation – eliminating) – some of the weaker teams could be a solution to the league’s financial problems. Which means the Timberwolves are likely on the list. When asked about how they felt about losing their NBA basketball team, fans in Minnesota responded “We have an NBA team?”

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Sacramento Kings fans are nervous that their team too could be contracted, leaving the area without a professional NBA basketball team.   Clippers fans responded, “Welcome to our world.”

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If the Toronto Blue Jays ever make it back to the postseason would we still have to hear “God bless America”every seventh inning?

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Brett Favre apparently didn’t give up on Jenn Sterger after he left the Jets.  According to the NY Post, Favre made a “recruiting call,” (how’s that for a PC term) to that former sideline reporter in 2009.

Who knew, despite all those interceptions, Brett’s most ill-conceived passes may have been off the field. 

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Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson, told Bill Maher than he’s definitely running for mayor of Wasilla.   Johnston  also said he “is working on building a platform, although he didn’t offer specifics.”

Well, sounds like he’s already up to speed for sounding like an average politician.

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America’s team?

October 22, 2010

 Are the Texas Rangers really now America’s team? Could be.  Most of them are underpaid by MLB standards,  the team declared bankruptcy earlier in the year, and they are much better off without George W. Bush in charge.

(for all non-hardcore baseball fans, before W. ran for governor and then President, he was the managing partner of the Rangers. And amongst other things, traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.)

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Alex Rodriguez made the last out for New York in the ALCS. Particularly fitting since his salary is more than half that of the whole Rangers team. ($33 million to 55 million.)

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The headline in Saturday’s New York Post says “$210 million bust.”  So thanks to the Yankees, Meg Whitman’s campaign may avoid this year’s dubious honor of being “Most money spent in a losing cause.”

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The Yankees, ever resilient, are considering filing for a roster rule change for 2011. Preferably to make the trade deadline the seventh inning stretch during postseason games.

And while the players themselves watch the World Series between naps and golf games, for management, still flush with free agent cash, the games will be shopping time.

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In fact, the Yankees especially wish Josh Hamilton and Cliff Lee well.  And promise them a bigger ring when they win the 2011 World Series in pinstripes.

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Let’s hope none of those Chilean miners are casual baseball fans, if one of them hears that the New York Yankees are not going to the World Series because they were beaten by the Texas Rangers, they are likely to head to the doctor asking for medication to help with hallucinations.

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“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Who knew Nietzsche was an SF Giants fan?

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American Kamari Charlton, a former FSU Seminoles, may be punished by “caning” in Singapore after overstaying his 90 day visa by 169 days. Charlton must have been a math major at Florida State.

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According to CNN, Jeb Bush said Friday he isn’t running for president, but would support Sarah Palin if she were to run. I thought Jeb was supposed to be “the smart one.”

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When asked how she was coping with the allegations against her husband, Deanna Favre says: “I’m handling this through faith.” Upon hearing this Elin Nordegren sent Deanna a gift of golf clubs.

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And this is a groaner, I know, but –  Former President Clinton is going to tail gate for some of his fellow Democrats this weekend. And if there’s anyone who knows “tails,” it’s Bill Clinton.

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In a rare public speech at a trade conference, former President George W. Bush said his greatest failure as a president was not privatizing Social Security. His remarks occasioned immediate requests for more pre-election speeches, from Democrats.

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Apparently there is talk in the airline industry of commercial passenger jets someday being flown solo. But it’s unlikely to happen. Most pilots don’t like to drink alone.

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Okay, let’s be real here….(NLCS Game 5 postmortem edition)

October 22, 2010

While no one who roots for the 2010 version of the SF Giants is happy about tonight’s 4-2 loss to the Phillies, alas it has to be said.  Anyone who really expected this team to sweep the Phillies at home and win the NLCS in five, clearly hasn’t been paying attention.

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So now,  game six in Philadelphia Saturday. And the SF Giants haven’t beaten Roy Oswalt since…Wednesday night.

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Just when you think the whole Bay Area has caught playoff fever big time, I get this report from a client about her boss, who was calling the office (hands-free) from her car in SF, and said “Are the Giants playing tonight or something? There’s a really big traffic jam.”

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In game five, Tim Lincecum actually outpitched Roy Halladay. But a horrible third inning gave the Phillies three runs.  The inning included a hit batter (who didn’t try to get out of the way), a  bunt that was probably foul,  third baseman Pablo Sandoval not touching third base to start a double play, and first baseman Aubrey Huff  ‘channeling Brooks Conrad on a ground ball for a two run error.

Said Giants manager Bruce Bochy “We just didn’t play real crisp.”  “Real crisp?  Yeah, more like a six-month old open box of Rice Krispies cereal.

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From TC:  “If Pablo Sandoval and Bengie Molina get any bigger, Greenpeace will be trying to save them.”

But okay, in the sour grapes department,  Major League Baseball should either enforce this rule, or get rid of it:

6.08
The batter becomes a runner and is entitled to first base without liability to be put out (provided he advances to and touches first base) when (b) He is touched by a pitched ball which he is not attempting to hit unless (1) The ball is in the strike zone when it touches the batter, or (2) The batter makes no attempt to avoid being touched by the ball;

Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz has been hit by pitches four times in the postseason, twice against the Giants.   Tonight he didn’t even flinch, let alone move.

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“Fear the beard” has become an SF Giants mantra. Lincecum and Posey say they will join the party too. As soon as they are old enough to shave.

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Meanwhile,  in college football,  UCLA was trounced by Oregon 60-13,  in a game remiscent of the Bruins’ earlier 35-0 loss to Stanford.  

Yet, this UCLA team also managed to beat Houston 31-13, and upset then undefeated Texas 34-12.

No wonder the Longhorns didn’t follow through on their rumored plan to join the Pac 10.  At this rate the only thing less popular than California college teams in the state of Texas just might be liberals.

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The newly formed Pac 12 will divide into two divisions for football, with Stanford, Cal, Oregon, OSU, Washington and WSU in the North, and UCLA, USC, Arizona, ASU, Colorado and Utah in the South. Apparently the plan fell through to move USC to where they really belong, the NFC West.

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Meg Whitman’s poll numbers in Calfornia have apparently plummeted with Latinos after the controversy with her former maid.  Which brings up a reminder again, for all would-be politicians and sports stars:   If you have ANY relationship, working or romantic, that you don’t want to see on the front page,  make sure you end it on good terms.

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Open note to Carly Fiorina: If you are going to run ads saying “I’ll oppose my party when it’s wrong,” and you actually mean it, could you come up with just ONE example where you think the Republicans are wrong now ?

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Panda -monium.

October 21, 2010

Some people think watching sports is relaxing. These people are not SF Giants fans.

And after Juan Uribe’s walkoff sacrifice fly to give the Giants a 6-5 win – somewhere Jose Uribe is smiling.

(Jose was Juan’s uncle, part of the Giants’ great Uribe to Thompson to Clark DP combination in the 80s.  Thompson and Clark were there tonight, Uribe was killed in a car accident some years ago.)

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Random thought for night: Jamie Moyer has gloves older than Madison Bumgarner.

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Of course no series is over til it’s over.  Ask the 2004 Yankees or the 1968 Cardinals, for example.  But still Giants fans have to love this column from Philly.com – written by a Daily News report about the Phillies after game four tonight:

” They won these games once. They took advantage of a little thing here, a little thing there, reversed imminent victories for the other team into series-altering losses. Not anymore. They are that other team now. Officially.

Officially. They run themselves into outs. They muff double-play ground balls, double-clutch on throws to the plate, watch third strikes pass by with runners in scoring position.

They tie the game, get a runner on second in the eighth inning with no outs last night, have their speedy shortstop at the plate, and don’t bunt the runner over.

here’s the link to the full story.  With comments. 

Officially. They run themselves into outs. They muff double-play ground balls, double-clutch on throws to the plate, watch third strikes pass by with runners in scoring position.

They tie the game, get a runner on second in the eighth inning with no outs last night, have their speedy shortstop at the plate, and don’t bunt the runner over.

 http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/sammy/Phillies_finally_hit_but_hole_grows_deeper.html 

My favorite so far is the guy who said “Oswalt had that 12 year old down 0-2 and couldn’t finish him?”

(that “12 year old” is Buster Posey, who my friend Michael Duca says “will be the best player in the NL by the time he is 14.)

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Note to any baseball writers, especially on the East coast, who voted for Jason Heyward as NL Rookie of the Year: The Giants graciously accept your apology.

(Ditto to anyone who predicted a Yankees or Phillies sweep in their respective Championship series…)

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Whichever side you are on, there are good reasons to be a Giants fan in California right now. Like this one – while they are winning it is possible to turn on the television and see something current, positive, and NOT another political commercial.

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Speaking of which, Meg Whitman likes to predict gloom and doom for California if we elect Jerry Brown Governor again. Well, whoever wins, I guess it’s true the state’s media outlets will take a hitmediaconomy will take a hit….without Meg pouring over $100 million a year into commercials.

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And one more nonbaseball item:

Pittsburgh Steelers lineback James Harrison is so upset about the new NFL rules about suspensions for dangerous hits that he claims he is thinking of retiring. This is the same Harrison who said “I don’t want to see anyone injured, but I’m not opposed to hurting anyone.”

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Televised torture…

October 16, 2010

 Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver came out against instant replay, saying it “will kill the pace of the game.” You know what already kills the pace of the game? Listening to Tim McCarver.

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(Actually McCarver doing color for the NLCS  will do his part to help the Giants live up to their “Giants baseball torture” billing. At least the torture part.   And then between innings we get political commercials. Shouldn’t this be reported as a violation of the Geneva convention?)

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My friend Alex Kaseberg has a Tim McCarver imitation:  “What some people forget is that a baseball is round. And the bat is round. So you gotta hit a round thing with another round thing. That’s hard.”

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But announcing aside, baseball’s all about the day-to-day grind, 162 games in 6 months, no real breaks. So part of the drama is the war of attrition and which players can fight through exhaustion and nagging injuries. Then then we get to the post season…. with no games for DAYS. Thank you FOX and Bud Selig.’

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‎So in game one of the ALCS, 5-0 Texas lead going to the 7th, turns into a 6-5 Yankees win. How many other Giants fans were having painful flashbacks to World Series game six?

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While there were many pitching goats out of the bullpen for the Rangers, the biggest horns may belong to Darren Oliver, 40, who came in with a 5-2 lead, and walked the only two batters he faced.

That’s what can happen when you bring in an inexperienced young guy in the playoffs, said Jamie Moyer.

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Another sign it’s just too long between games in the playoffs….. Heard today on the radio, “The Giants will have a good chance in the NLCS if they can outscore the Phillies…”

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Apparently Paramount is working on a sequel to Top Gun. Wonder if it will open up with “Maverick” and “Charlie” meeting up again while cruising gay bars….?

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In a new video, Justin Bieber apparently criticizes Tom Brady’s hair in a new video. Isn’t that like Sarah Palin criticizing Christine O’Donnell’s knowledge of current events?

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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin was in Northern California, and during a speech in San Jose she accused Democrats of being like “permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and talked about them using “pixie dust.”

Hmm, sounds like someone might have had a pre-speech meeting with “California Republicans in Favor of Proposition 19.”..

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The University of Georgia has a new mascot,  UGA VIII,  a 13 month old English bulldog, who will make his first appearance at the school’s homecoming game against Vanderbilt.  According to the school’s athletic director ” As our mascot he represents everything we want our student-athletes and fans to be … proud, loyal, tenacious and relentless.

The jury’s out as to whether UGA VIII  aka Big Bad Bruce)  will help the school turn around what has been a difficult year for the football team.  But at least he can probably get through the year without being arrested.

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 Years ago, after a rough 49ers loss,  San Francisco mayor Willie Brown called quarterback Elvis Grbac an “embarrassment to humankind.” Hmm. Maybe nobody had better ask Willie what he thinks of Alex Smith.

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Sports headline:  Favre questionable for Vikings.    Well, his behavior for sure.   And here the pundits were worried about Randy Moss being a distraction.

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About those penalty kicks…

October 13, 2010
Halladay-Lincecum for game one of the NLCS Saturday night in Philadelphia.   Presumed over-under on the game in Vegas? One and a half.
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(A few weeks ago I wrote the Padres-Giants race for the division title might be decided by penalty kicks… on Saturday night,  for the Phillies-Giants game, it could happen.)
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And once this torture trip of a season is over,  how long will it take for the SF Giants to become the official major league baseball team of  Prilosec?
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Meanwhile, in the AL,  the Rangers-Rays ALDS series was notable because NEITHER team won a home game.    In fact,  they both had the best ratio of road to home scoring since a young Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail. 
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But congratulations to the 1961 expansion Washington Senators, now the Texas Rangers,  for their first ever playoff win, and advancing to the ALCS.   (And in a nice touch of irony, the original Washington Senators, who left Washington after the 1960 seasons to become the Minnesota Twins, was swept in the first round.)
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And in all seriousness, add to the nice gesture the Giants made of applauding Bobby Cox during their celebration Tuesday, the Texas Rangers’ starting their clubhouse celebration with ginger ale.  (Josh Hamilton ,a team star, has admitted serious substance abuse issues, and doesn’t feel comfortable now even just being doused in alcohol.) 
The Rangers brought out the hard stuff later, but Hamilton was at least able to get wet.  And presumably, sticky.
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As if folks in the San Francisco Bay Area needed any more reason to hate Fox…. they give us Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to call the Giants-Phillies series. And a 119p start time Tuesday for the first NLCS home game.
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University Georgia tailback Caleb King became the 11th Bulldog to be arrested this SEASON. On the brighter side, in the interest of efficiency, Georgia huddles can now double as probation hearings.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  A statue of King Tut’s grandfather has been unearthed in Egypt. So, was it wearing a Packers or Vikings jersey?
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The SF 49ers have said that their offense again next week will be led by Quarterback Alex Smith. Well, makes some sense, Smith is likely to lead the team to another number one draft pick.

In the last California gubernatorial debate between  Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown,  of course the “whore” question came up. Shame the -debate wasn’t being moderated by a real expert, like Eliot Spitzer.

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At least Jerry’s wife/aide/whoever simply called Meg a  “whore.  While Whitman is going on about how offensive women find that word, I, and most of my women friends, can think of about half a dozen that are worse.

(And for anyone who’s read the internet stories about her family, it’s a bit ironic that Whitman won’t let his one go.  Google her sons and their high school and college careers for some rumors that do not exactly bespeak delicate sensibilities.)

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The Republican party is pouring money into California in hopes of helping Carly Fiorina unseat Senator Barbara Boxer.  Here’s an alternative suggestion – if the GOP really cares so much about winning that Boxer’s seat, why don’t they actually nominate a reasonable semi-moderate candidate to run against her?

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Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010

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With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

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San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.

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On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.

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But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.
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There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team

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Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”

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Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

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On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

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Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

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After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.

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One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.

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from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

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Giants-Dodgers, and other episodes of the Twilight Zone.

July 21, 2010

Part of Major League Baseball Rule 8.06 “A manager or coach is considered to have concluded his visit to the mound when he leaves the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber.” Never heard that rule before? Neither had acting Dodgers manager Don Mattingly.

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(for anyone who didnt see tonight’s Giants-Dodger game. A manager is allowed only one visit to a pitcher per inning, the second visit means you must remove your pitcher… Mattingly, who was managing only because Joe Torre and the bench coach had been ejected, came out to speak to his closer with the bases loaded, left the mound, remembered something, and went back briefly. Giants manager Bruce Bochy saw it, told the umpires, and they had no choice but to make him change pitchers. The new pitcher had very little time to warm up, and gave up the game winning hit.)

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And yes, I know, a couple readers have to be thinking… the infield fly rule is bad enough.)

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The Dodgers have lost six in a row and this divorce between Frank and Jamie McCourt is really getting ugly. Each of them are demanding the other take custody of the team.

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Most amazing thing about the weirdest Giants-Dodgers game in recent memory Tuesday night? Manny Ramirez wasn’t even involved.

(The Dodgers placed Manny on the 15 day disabled list today. To be fair, he’s got to be getting close to his third trimester.)

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USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy to the Heisman trust. I don’t see why…it was certainly bought and paid for.

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You cannot make this stuff up. An convicted felon was stopped by the CHP on a Bay Area highway Sunday and was arrested after he allegedly got into a gun battle with officers using some of his large arsenal.

The man is now telling police he wanted to kill ACLU and Tides foundation employees to start an anti-government revolution. But he wants a public defender.

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Brett Favre’s agent gave an interview to Men’s Journal magazine where he angrily referred to his client as a “drama queen.” Really? What was his first clue?

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Some say Sarah Palin has no business comparing herself to Shakespeare since she has probably never read Shakespeare. But I hear Sarah has become quite fond of this quote from Twelfth Night. “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”

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Sarah Palin is now comparing herself to Shakespeare. When asked if she writes in iambic pentameter, Palin responded ‘Of course not, I’m a true American, I write in English.”

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According to a “representative” for Bristol Palin, her upcoming wedding and marriage will not become a reality show.” So for now Bristol’s “focus remains on doing what is best for Tripp and her family.” Translation, she hasn’t gotten a good enough offer.
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last word from Bill Littlejohn:

After almost a week, there seems to be no significant leaks and it looks like it might hold. But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety”

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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Lost without Lost?

May 24, 2010

Count me as one of the few Americans who has never watched LOST. (Or maybe I did – watched game four when the Sharks got swept out of the NHL playoffs.)

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Rough day for the San Jose Sharks, losing 3-2 after having a 2-0 lead and being eliminated from the playoffs. On the brighter side, they scored more today than the Giants have all weekend. (True, one run in three games against the As)

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And realistically, down 3-0 and playing on their opponents home ice? Lets just say the Sharks probably had less of a chance for a happy ending than Jack Bauer on tonight’s final episode of 24.

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NBA Update – Rumors of an early Suns-set have been greatly exaggerated.

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Actually, the Suns may be the last, best, educated team in the league. Steve Nash, graduate of the University of Santa Clara (good small private school near San Jose,), Grant Hill, graduate of Duke, Channing Frye, graduate of Arizona, Robin Lopez, two years at Stanford, Jason Richardson, two years at Michigan State. (And yeah, Amar’e Stoudemire, the one straight-from-high-school guy on the team.)

But how long until the real “college veterans” on most NBA teams are one-and-dones?

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Regarding those newly revised textbooks in Texas: Anyone seriously think the revisionists are done weeding out the historical figures they don’t like? What’s next – a search for LBJ’s’ birth certificate?

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Drew Storen, less than a year removed from pitching for Stanford, got not only his first major league win this week, but a hit in his first at bat. Damn shame he didnt get drafted by the Giants. He could bat cleanup.

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At this point the Giants lineup is so punchless, management is thinking of trying to bring in a temporary professional soccer tenant. So at least the home fans could see some scoring.

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The Wall Street Journal ran a survey saying that the five pitchers in major league baseball who have lost the most velocity on their fastball (still less than two miles an hour), have seen their ERA go up more than 2 runs a game.

Right, tell that to Tim Wakefield, who just threw 8 shutout innings against the Phillies, while being clocked in the mid 60s.

The 43 year old Wakefield may hold several unusual distinctions by the time he finally retires. Not least of which might be being the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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Dorothy Kamenshek has died at the age of 84. She was a star in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and helped inspire the Geena Davis character in the movie “A League of Their Own.” Dorothy was an amazing player; rumor has it she once even got a hit off Jamie Moyer.

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Sarah Palin accused Rachel Maddow of being “prejudiced” when she interviewed Rand Paul. Okay, here’s an idea – why doesn’t Palin herself interview Paul? I think viewers from across the political spectrum would tune in to watch that!

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More half-baked thoughts…

September 9, 2009

Apologies to readers if these jokes are more half-baked than usual, writing this week on vacation, which means that many of them are written more half-asleep than usual.

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William Del Biaggio, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist, and former part owner of the San Jose Sharks, has been sentenced to eight years in jail for fraud relating to his attempt to buy part of another NHL team, the Nashville Predators.

Eight years in jail. For the Predators?

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Caster Semenya posed for a glamorous photo shoot in a South African magazine. Although the idea was controversial the stylists did a nice job, she looks almost as pretty as Ryan Seacrest.
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Former Patriots defensive end Richard Seymour failed to report for a second day to Oakland after being traded to the Raiders. Apparently some of it has to do with under going post-trade testing. Well, I don’t know about the physical part but as to any psychological portion of the tests, I would say not wanting to show up to play in Oakland would indicated he should pass.

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Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell’s campaign was thrown for a loop because of his recently revealed anti-women and homosexual statements. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a Republican has done lately with his pants on.

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Sarah Palin, despite having never run a company and not completing her term as governor, nonetheless was given op-ed space in the Wall St Journal.

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing something for a newsletter for mimes?

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The San Francisco Giants top prospect Madison Bumgarner was a last minute call-up for an emergency start on Tuesday night. He said later he wasn’t nervous about facing major-league hitters, he just wished more of them were on the Giants.

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Let’s hear it for mercenaries.

September 3, 2009

The following respectfully submitted as possible headlines. After the SF Giants’ $100,000 September rental, Brad Penny, pitched 8 shutout innings and got the win against the Phillies.

(for all those not baseball obsessed, because Penny was waived/cut by the Red Sox, who are paying most of his multi-million dollar salary, and no one picked him up originally, the Giants only have to pay him the major league minimum for the rest of the season, which is actually under $100,000.)

Anyway, the headlines:

So far, worth every Penny.

Who says there’s no value in a Penny?

Not such a bad Penny.

Giants benefit from a Penny saved.

of course, if he loses his next three starts, these all change.

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Mark Sanford, once again considering himself unjustly persecuted, is now comparing the ethics attacks on him with those made on Sarah Palin. At least he didn’t refer to Sarah as his “soulmate.”
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Curt Schilling, with absolutely no political experience whatsoever, has announced he is interested in Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat. I believe the correct response is “Put a bloody sock in it.”

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You have to wonder, why would Schilling want to join the Senate? Maybe because watching their performance over the past few years, it’s one group where he can be sure that no one is taking anything performance enhancing?

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The SF Giants have changed their minds and decided to promote Buster Posey. Guess they figure he can’t do any worse than the minor league hitters they already have in their lineup.

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In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U.S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.
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commie pinko joke alert.

Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian Senate. Big deal, down in the U.S., we elected a functional illiterate President.

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Giants hitting and other disasters.

August 29, 2009

Bill Gates says he and a team of scientists will patent a technology to stop hurricanes. I guess he thinks this is easier than first developing a technology to stop Windows from crashing?

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Why Tim Lincecum should, but probably won’t, win the Cy Young. A league leading 222 strikeouts, a 2.33 ERA, and a 13-4 record. All without the benefit of pitching against the Giants

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The Chicago Cubs have been struggling recently. Fortunately there is at least a temporary cure. It’s called “playing the New York Mets.”
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After Brett Favre signed, Minnesota players were asked about a potential “schism” on the team. Some said yes, others no, but the majority responded “Don’t know him, did we sign a new European placekicker too?”

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As Michael Crabtree continues his sulky contract holdout with the San Francisco 49ers, maybe it’s time to give the young man a nickname that reflects the contribution he may SOMEDAY make on an NFL field – “Michael Crabgrass.”

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Second verse, same as the first….

August 25, 2009

Ever remember that old kid’s song with the refrain “Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse…”?

Giants Box Score from Friday’s 11-14 loss to the Rockies.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR

Miller, Ju (L, 2-2) 0.2 4 4 4 2 0 1
Valdez, M 0.2 2 4 4 3 1 0

And tonight’s 6-4 loss in 14 innings.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR
Miller, Ju (L, 2-3) 0.0 1 3 3 2 0 0
Valdez, M (BS, 3) 0.0 1 1 1 0 0 1

So yes, for Justin Miller that’s a total of 2 outs, 5 hits, 4 walks, SEVEN earned runs.
And for Merkin Valdez thats 2 outs, 3 hits, 3 walks, FIVE earned runs. Including tonight’s walkoff grand slam.

12 earned runs, a total of 1 and 1/3 innings. That’s more than Giants hitters get in many weeks.

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So who’s bringing the sign tomorrow to A T and T park? “Miller and Valdez – Wild Card Death Panel.”

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For Giants fans, tonight will go down as an epic. Sort of like Waterworld.

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Plaxico Burress says that the nightclub security staff was aware he was carrying a gun into the nightclub the night he accidentally shot himself.

If true, that’s got to make New Yorkers feel warm and fuzzy and safe. I mean, guns in sweatpants, what could possibly go wrong?

But his story does perhaps illustrate a potential niche service for NY clubs. Hat check, coat check, gun check….

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And back to commie pinko time…..

A story in the NY Times says with all the various appointments and resignations, almost 27 percent of Americans will soon be represented by at least one unelected senator. Big deal, after the 2000 election 100 percent of us were represented by an unelected president.

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Apparently President Obama brought five books with him on vacation. In a display of bipartisan goodwill, when former President George W. Bush heard about it he sent Barack a brand new box of crayons.

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Baseball follies

August 24, 2009

Carlos Gonzalez of the Colorado Rockies is day-to-day with a puncture wound in his hand. Gonzalez claims he hurt himself on a steak knife while he was putting a dish in his kitchen sink. The story is more than a little suspicious, he expects us to believe a man actually put a dish in the sink?

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John Smoltz, released by the Boston Red Sox, had a great debut for the St. Louis Cardinals against the San Diego Padres. Tony La Russa was so pleased he said he is now willing to give Smoltz a start against a major league offense.

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Next Saturday night the SF Giants have designated it “Creature Features” night at the ballpark, and will show “The Night of the Living Dead” on the scoreboard after the game. The movie will be dedicated to the Giants’ offense.

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With all the stories about athletes and arrests, I think I can safely say that none of the SF Giants will ever be arrested for any form of theft or larceny. They can’t even take a pitch.

(yes, if anyone who is reading this is not a Giants fan, I’m pretty cranky. Last item inspired by Pablo Sandoval swinging at a seriously outside and low ball four with no one out and a runner at first and the team trailing by one. But he wasn’t the only culprit)

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The Pirates, 33-28 at home, have an 18-43 road record. Instead of having the away games covered in the Pittsburgh media, it might be less embarrassing at this point to tell their fans they are off hiking the Applachian trail.

Jayson Blair, who basically lied and plagarized his way out of a career as a reporter, has now reinvented himself as a life coach. Presumably specializing in athletes and politicians.

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Senator John Ensign of Nevada that unlike Bill Clinton, when he had an affair outside of marriage it wasn’t “legally wrong”. Well, now maybe we know why he chose to live in Nevada, where just about anything is legal related to sex, as long as you don’t frighten the horses.

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Commie pinko thought alert:

So Senator Lieberman now says serious health care reform can wait until after the recession is over. Just wondering, if we got rid of the lifetime health benefits for retired congressmen and women, I wonder if he and others would have the same attitude?

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And for anyone who missed ESPN and other sports news this weekend, as of Monday morning, Brett Favre is still unretired.

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You can’t make this up – reality show edition

May 23, 2009

So let’s see, Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus eight” is now complaining about excessive media attention.  Which besides being distressing is presumably making it hard to do her job…which is, raising her kids on a reality television show.    

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The San Francisco Giants lost yet ANOTHER game 2-1 Friday night, this time in twelve innings.  Their third 2-1 loss in four days.  (Their fourth loss was 3-2) 

It’s not so much that sports fans can’t deal with all these losses, it’s that usually with these scores, penalty kicks are involved.

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You think somewhere, someday a couple years ago,  somebody in Giants management  said “Dear God, please rid us from the taint of steroids and performance enchancing drugs?”   If so, mission accomplished.

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Okay, what’s wrong with this picture.  American Idol season two runner-up Clay Aiken said on his website  he tunes into the show about once a season.  He said this year, he saw Adam Lambert do “Ring of Fire”  and that it was  “contrived,” “awful” and “slightly frightening.”

But Aiken also complained that he thought the series showed bias for Adam over the eventual winner, Kris.

But, okay, Lambert’s  version of “Ring of Fire” was not well received by the judges. So either Clay has turned in more than one a season, or he’s making it all up. Or both. 

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Bristol Palin is quoted in People Magazine as saying  ” If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody.”

But okay, by that token, if people really realized the painful consequences of a whole lot of things that started out just as lighthearted fun, there would be no DUIs, no drug arrests, and no one would raise their child to be a Cubs fan.

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The San Francisco Giants and other jokes.

May 20, 2009

Well, their hitting anyway.

Big Papi, David Ortiz, final hit his first home run in 150 at bats.  Which should make him an honorary Giant.

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Variation on an old joke.  How can you criticize the San Francisco Giants’ offense.  There’s insufficient evidence.

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The San Francisco pitching staff may soon start referring to themselves as “Bra-less.”  As in, no support.

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At this point the Giants are scoring less than a Star Trek convention.

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University of Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin was guilty of a minor NCAA rules violation for his early announcement of a recruit’s signing on Twitter.  This is shocking.  There are grown men who Twitter?

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After the finale, we’ve learned one thing about America.  We may be ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for an American Idol with black nail polish.

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The NCAA has denied another year of eligibility for Florida State receiver Corey Surrency because he previously played for the Florida Kings, a  semi-pro team. Well, if that’s the standard,  Surrency would have been better off had he just played for the Detroit Lions.

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A man called 911 because his adult son wouldn’t clean up the mess he had made.  Yeah, it’s tough these days to be George H. W. Bush.

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San Francisco Giants hitting and other myths…

May 3, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants won another 1-0 game.  After they lost a 5-1 game. And won a 3-2 game.  Three games, five runs, and this time they won two of three.  

It’s enough to make you turn to a high scoring sport like soccer.

Actually Giants management says they would like to trade for a good hitter, but revenue is down. 

Have they considered that one reason revenue is down is because they don’t have any good hitters?

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“Mine that Bird, ” a 50-1 longshot, won the Kentucky Derby.   The 3 year old gelding beat some expensive horses flown by private jet from the Mideast.  But he travelled across country to Churchill Downs with a 21 hour drive in a basic horse trailer pulled behind a pickup truck.    I see a potential lucrative endorsement contract from Southwest Airlines.

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The New York Mets have banned local newspapers from their clubhouse in an effort to keep players from reading negative stories about the team’s lousy start.  Across the city, the Yankees are insulating their bullpen by simply banning newspapers written in English.

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Two members of the New Orleans Saints were arrested and charged with 3 counts including obscenity, disturbing the peace and lewd conduct.  New Orleans officials issued a statement saying they were very disappointed. Normally the Saints only embarrass themselves on the field

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As the Youtube video of Condoleezza Rice arguing with a Stanford student receives more and more global attention, one question comes to mind.  How can you be smart enough to be chosen as Secretary of State, and dumb enough not to realize that these days, everyone in the world has a camera phone?

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