As the Yankees turn…

Posted February 5, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Derek Jeter defended his former manager and said, despite the book controversy that Joe Torre would never intentionally be cruel or try to hurt anybody. That remains George Steinbrenner’s job.

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What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog eating championship…

(note, Chestnut is the current champion, Kobayashi is a six time champion.)

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This just in, all cellphones and cameras will now be confiscated at the door for any parties involving Jamaica’s track team.

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And yet another Olympic scandal to tarnish a sport’s reputation. At a recent party a member of the U.S. snowboarding team was seen NOT smoking marijuana.

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In Pittsburgh, city officials have adjusted their original estimates of 300,000 in the streets for the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory parade. Apparently about half of that number was just in line at the unemployment office.

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Prosecutors now say that they believe Barry Bonds was taking a female fertility drug to mask his steroid use. In Bonds’ defense his lawyers say actually he was fascinated by the idea of octuplets.

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And since it’s been a while since any Hillary jokes…

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said they all had a “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3am?

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Hillary Clinton said in a town meeting with State Department staff that sometimes she completely forgot she ran for president; “it was like a blur it went by so fast.” And of course, she was distracted by sniper fire at the time.

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He’s just not that into you…

Posted February 4, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Shouldn’t someone tell the Dodgers that about Manny Ramirez?

(Who has just turned down his third contract offer from the team, this last for $25 million for a year.)

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Question of the night. So how come not paying taxes disqualifies you from being Secretary of Health and Human Services, but it doesn’t disqualify you from being Secretary of the Treasury?

Wonder if this means Geithner might have been disqualifed if he cheated on his medical insurance?

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And if I could draw, I would post an editorial cartoon. Two kids with a lemonade stand, Two money jars on the stand, one labelled “For lemonade”, the other labelled “For the IRS.” And the caption of one kid saying “Well, I do plan to run for office someday.”

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300,000 people showed up for the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory parade Monday. Which is about as many as will show up to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates. For the season.

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A sheriff in South Carolina is thinking of charging Michael Phelps after simply seeing the picture of him using a bong in a British newspaper. Teenagers and college students all over the state are hoping no one ever shows the sheriff how to use Facebook.

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Bud Selig made over $17 million as commissioner of baseball last year, more than all but three Yankees players – Jason Giambi, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. Though to be fair, unlike those players, Selig actually had to work in October.

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Maybe this explains why Selig never pushed for a salary cap – the Yankees are the only team with employees standing between him and allegations of excessive CEO compensation.

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The most watched Super Bowl?

Posted February 3, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Despite a less than marquee matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals, this year’s Super Bowl was the second-most watched ever. Well, yeah, at this point most Americans couldn’t afford to go out and do anything else.

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Although spring training starts in a few weeks, Manny Ramirez still has not decided where he will go for the 2009 season. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”

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Actually Manny Ramirez is looking for at least a four year contract. Presumably so in two years he can complain and say he wants out of it.

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Though speaking of Brett Favre, New York Jets general manager Mike Tannebaum said he told Favre he can take “months if necessary” to decide if he will return for the 2009 season. Isn’t telling Brett Favre to take his time like telling Joe Biden “speak as long as you’d like?”

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After that newspaper photo appeared of him smoking pot in an English newspaper, Michael Phelps said his behavior was “regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.” Of course, mostly what he regrets is being too stoned to remember that these days most people have cellphone cameras.

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Proof that not all my jokes are anti Republican.

Now we know why Democrats vote against cutting taxes. They don’t plan to pay them anyway.

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But on the other hand:

In Pittsburgh, thanks to the Steelers, schoolchildren were given two hours off from school Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Former President George W. Bush heard about this and said that he thought it would be a nice gesture for the University of Phoenix to give their students the morning off too.

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An Arizona station apologized to its viewers over their accidentally showing 30 seconds of pornography during the Super Bowl. Apparently the station received numerous complaints, mostly from men who wondered why they went back to the game so soon.

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Post Super Bowl thoughts…

Posted February 2, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Considering the fact that the Cardinals and Steelers were whistled for a combined total of 18 penalties and 162 yards, should Super Bowl XLIII go down as the best ever game of Flag Football?

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The turning point in the game may well have been an interception thrown by Kurt Warner at the end of the first half, which was returned by the Steelers’ James Harrison 100 yards for a touchdown. (Despite the fact that with time expiring, all the Cardinals had to do was knock him out of bounds.) In fact, it was such an improbable touchdown, are we sure the Stanford band wasn’t somehow involved?

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School children in Pittsburgh will get a mini-holiday Monday, as the city’s public schools will open two hours later than normal. But for those residents worried about sports championships affecting education time, at least this won’t happen next fall with the Pirates. (Or for Canadian readers, most likely for the Penguins either.)

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And in Seattle sports fans are asking “What’s a championship?”

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Back to politics. My suggestion for trimming the national debt, since paying taxes has clearly become so confusing. For anyone in the U.S. considering running for political office or accepting a cabinet level position – a six month amnesty for paying back taxes. If you think you have forgotten or misunderstood any taxes in the past 20 years you get six months to pay up and make it right, with no additional penalties. After that, with anything that comes out in the media or a vetting process the penalties will triple.

Could put a real dent in the deficit…

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Pre Super Bowl jokes..

Posted February 1, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Michael Phelps was recently photographed smoking marijuana. But give the guy a break, the man won everything in sight in the Summer Olympics. Maybe he’s in training in hopes of making the Winter Olympics on U.S. snowboard team.

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Either that or he’s considering a future career in the NBA
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Michael Phelps may lose some endorsement contracts after being photographed with a bong. On the other hand, he’s already fielding new offers from Krispy Kreme, 7-11 and Doritos.

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Two U.S. congressmen want Citigroup to drop their previously agreed upon $400 million contract for naming rights at “Citi Field”, the new home of the New York Mets. They feel it is inappropriate after Citigroup received $45 billion in bailout money.

But on the other hand, nothing says “failed bailout” like the Mets bullpen.

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T.S. Eliot said “April is the cruelest month. But for many American sports fans, February is worse. The Super Bowl is over, March Madness is still a distant fantasy and spring training doesn’t really get into gear until late in the month.

And for most Americans there is a sports quandry – do they ignore the NHL or the NBA?

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The movie “Taken” was the big winner at the box office this weekend. Guess most Americans were curious to see how they got a movie made so quickly about the bank bailout.

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Stanford’s womens basketball team won their first game ever on Super Bowl Sunday. (Previously they were 0-3) So whatever else happens this season, at least they will avoid the title “The Minnesota Vikings of womens basketball.”

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Aretha’s hat..

Posted February 1, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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The Smithsonian has apparently asked Aretha Franklin for her inaugural hat. Presumably for the American Museum of Natural History

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Apparently new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has almost $6 million in debts from her presidential campaign. With a record like that, maybe it would have been a better match had Obama appointed her Secretary of the Treasury.

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When the Illinois Senate impeached Rod Blagojevich, they also barred him from ever holding public office in future. Which was probably unnecessary. Blagojevich has shown no interest in ever moving to Louisiana.
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More fallout from Ted Haggard saying he is not gay but a “heterosexual with issues.”

Joe Biden has declared himself to be “taciturn with issues.”

The Detroit Lions a “NFL team with issues.”

And well, former Illinois Governor Blagojevich still maintains his innocence, and says that he doesn’t have issues.

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Michael Steele became the first African-American chair of the Republican National Committee. Among those who he beat out, Ken Blackwell, the African-American former Secretary of State for Ohio. This election shocked many rank and file Republicans, mostly because they didn’t know they had two African-Americans left in the party.

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Phil Mickelson has spent much of his golf career trying to emulate Tiger Woods. And this weekend he has succeeded, both of them will be free to watch the Super Bowl.

(note to non-golf fans, Mickelson actually missed the cut this weekend, for the first time in his season debut since he turned pro.)

Normally Mickelson doesn’t shoot anywhere near that badly in a tournament until Sunday.

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In an ESPN poll, 53 percent of Americans think the Arizona Cardinals, outranked in almost every major category by the Pittsburgh Steelers, will win the Super Bowl. And we wonder how so much of this country is suffering for being economically unrealistic…

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Of course, an old white guy from Arizona being the winning Super Bowl quarterback is about as unlikely as a young black guy winning the Presidency.

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Heterosexual with issues.

Posted January 31, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Disgraced former minister Ted Haggard said on “Oprah” and he is not gay, he is just “heterosexual with issues.”

In related news, Bill Clinton and John Edwards said they were not cheating husbands, they were just “monogamous with issues.”

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And by that standard, our country’s not in a recession. We’re just in a strong economy with issues.

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As America’s favorite singing competition heads into it’s eighth year, Fox is also considering a show about George W. Bush during his eight years in office. The working title – “American Idle.”

World Baseball Classic games that are still tied going into the 13th inning, the WBC will use an odd international baseball rule . From that point on innings will start with runners on first and second. This rule apparently was inspired by the Mets bullpen.

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This year’s Super Bowl might draw one of the smallest viewing audiences in recent memory. The audience will, however, be boosted by the fact that most Americans can’t afford to go to the movies instead.

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You know NBC is worried about the potential appeal of an Arizona – Pittsburgh matchup. In fact, rumor has it they are marketing the game ad time as the pre and post concert show for Bruce Springsteen.

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Scary thought of the night – Bruce Springsteen is 12 years older than our President.

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Rod, we hardly knew ye…

Posted January 30, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Despite the rough economy, Americans are a resilient lot. Comedy writers, for example, shrugged off the departure of President Bush and vowed to persevere. But now losing Governor Blagojevich. That’s serious.

But for a farewell tour…

Governor Rod Blagojevich asked Illinois state senators how they could throw him out of office when he was “clamoring” and “begging” for a chance to prove his innocence. How? 59-0, that’s how.

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Might as well say this now, because who knows when it could change.

As of today, January 30, Illinois’s governor is neither under investigation or indictment.

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Barack Obama, in another landmark political move, actually admitted he is rooting for one team over another in the Super Bowl. Our new President is rooting for the Steelers, although he says he admires veteran Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.

Of course, who better than Obama to know not to bet on the old white guy from Arizona?

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The U.S. banking bailout may cost a trillion dollars. Wow. A trillion dollars. That’s enough money to outfit Sarah Palin for over a year.

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Now that Joe Torre has co-authored a new tell-all book about the Yankees, the team is considering a confidentialty clause in future so that players and staff cannot tarnish the team’s reputation in print.

Instead, they’ll just have to do it on the field.

(Or by dating Madonna.)

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In the wake of Joe Torre’s new book, Yankees officials are considering steps to ensure that all future volumes about the team are “positive in tone.” Which means that no one will be allowed to write a book about the Bronx Bombers in the playoffs.

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In Rod we trust…

Posted January 29, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich just keeps coming up with more and more rationales and excuses for his behavior. Any day now expect to hear that he is simply trying to be a one-man comedy stimulus program.

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Both Super Bowl teams are particularly excited this year about winning and thus getting to meet President Barack Obama. Right now, the Arizona Cardinals are favored to lose by about seven points. Which puts them right on track for a meeting with Senator John McCain.

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Despite major losses in the last two elections, and despite the President’s willingness to talk to them, House Republican leaders told their members to vote against any stimulus bill Obama proposed. Isn’t this kind of like the team captains of the Detroit Lions telling fellow players not to pay any attention to the new coach?

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The NFL has already sold over 70,000 seat for next October’s game in London between the Patriots and Buccaneers. In the meantime, tough economic conditions in the U.S. have the 49ers and Raiders thinking of sharing a stadium. Have they considered Wembley?

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The Oakland Raiders are reputedly hiring Tom Cable as their 2009 head coach, thus removing the “interim” from his title. With all due respect, shouldn’t “interim” be required in any Raiders’ head coach’s title?

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That Bush highlight video

Posted January 28, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Apparently on George W. Bush’s flight back to Texas, they played a highlight video of his presidency. Or that was the explanation for the blank screen when the plane’s projector went out.

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On the way back to Texas, staff travelling with George W. Bush showed a video of accomplishments from his presidency. For curious Americans, that video will be sold in a boxed set, along with a video of Cubs’ World Series highlights.

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A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just based on scenes after the tryouts.

or

A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just the mothers at the tryouts.

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President Obama has moved swiftly to ban torture. Does this mean Disney will have to close their Small World ride?

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Sarah Palin has now created a new political action committee – SarahPac. I don’t know about you…but doesn’t SarahPac sound like something overpriced in the handbag department at Neiman Marcus?

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A Stanford law school graduate has pled guilty to tax evasion, Apparently she did not file tax returns for her escort service, which was simply a front for her work as a high-price call girl. Escort services around California now worry that their businesses may get a bad reputation – customers will think they are full of lawyers.

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So Citigroup was planning on using some of our bailout money to purchase a new $50 million corporate jet.

Where’s a flock of Canadian Geese when you need them?

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The Terrell Owens show…

Posted January 27, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Terrell Owens has announced he will be hosting his own reality show on VH1 this summer. This marks the first time the words “T.O” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.

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Washington D.C. is getting back to normal. The Metro is less crowded, streets have reopened, and the only disappointed ticket holders are Wizards fans.

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Should we be surprised that Governor Rod Blagojevich thought of offering Obama’s Senate seat to Oprah. He knew she could afford it.

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More from the “purple tunnel of doom.”

Posted January 26, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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First, in case that reference is too “inside baseball” – the Purple Tunnel of Doom refers to all the thousands inaugural ticket holders who missed the ceremony because they were stuck in endless security lines…some actually IN a tunnel on their way to the gates. Blue ticket holders had the privilege of at least being stuck in the sunshine, albeit the 25 degree sunshine.

Anyway…

Actually, until last week the “Purple Tunnel of Doom” just referred to the tunnel from the locker room to the field used by the Minnesota Vikings in their Super Bowls.

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Now that the Bush team has left the White House, get ready for a flood of tell-all books about the adminstration. Especially as in the this case, all the former staffers and potential authors are confident their boss will never read them.

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Barack Obama still maintains he will have an open door policy with Republicans. Of course, to maintain some semblance of order, access to that door will be done by a system of purple tickets.

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Since President Obama’s inauguration, Oregon State’s usually lowly men’s basketball team, now coached by Barack’s brother-in-law Craig Robinson, is 2-0, with upsets of Cal and Stanford on the road.

When this college basketball season is over, wonder if Barack will send Craig on a humanitarian rescue mission – to the Wizards.

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It’s been a rough time recently for Roger Clemens. Not only are the feds convening a grand jury against the former pitcher, but Roger’s performance last year didn’t even get him nominated for an Oscar.

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For our Neighbors to the North, a few hockey jokes.

The NHL All-Star game ended in a shoot-out with the East beating the West 12-11. Most Americans found this shocking…the NHL had an All-Star game?

The NHL All-Star game ended with the East winning 12-11. 12-11? Where did they play the game, Coors Field?

(Actually, if there were more 12-11 games, there might be more Americans watching hockey.)

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Nearly one week after the inaugural…

Posted January 24, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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President Obama has almost completed his first week of work. And former President Bush has almost completed his 417th week of doing nothing.

“Former president George W. Bush” Five words that bring a smile to millions of Americans, and tears to most would-be comedy writers.

President Obama’s first approval rating trounces that of his predecessor. But let’s be fair, isn’t trouncing George Bush’s approval rating like beating the Detroit Lions.

(or substitute, Washington Wizards, Oklahoma City Thunder, or – for Canadian readers – the Ottawa Senators.)

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During the bye-week before the Super Bowl, NFL fans are facing a Sunday without professional football. Detroit Lions fans say “And your point is?”

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For this year’s Miss America pageant, four of the top 15 finalists were voted in by viewers of the reality show, “Miss America: Countdown to the Crown.” Ah, so THAT explains the finals appearance of Sanjaya.

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And as a honorary member of “Survivors of the Purple Tunnel of Doom.” (translation, I was given a blue ticket and couldn’t make it inside either, along with probably 20,000 or so others.), may I propose this t-shirt)

“Inaugural ticket security – brought to you by the people who brought you FEMA.”

As we approach the Super Bowl, here’s a cheerful thought for the woeful Detroit Lions. This fall they only had one less win than Barack Obama.

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A whole new world..

Posted January 24, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Okay, let’s be real? Which sounded more likely a couple years ago? Our first black president or the Cardinals in the Super Bowl?

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Actually most sports fans aren’t that surprised that the Cardinals are playing a meaningful game in February. After all, they’re pretty serious about spring training.

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With all the talk about Barack Obama being our first black president, it’s easy for most Americans to forget – his mother was white. And possibly descended from royalty. How else did Obama end up with Prince Charles’s ears?

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Embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich now says that he was the victim of a “plot to raise taxes,” and compares the day he was arrested to Pearl Harbor. Even Larry Craig is saying “this guy is delusional.”

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Okay, we are not quite done with US Air jokes…

Posted January 23, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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George W. Bush said his years in office had not diminished America’s standing in the world. And in fact, after Obama’s inaugural, when the former president’s plane took off for Texas, Canada sent a 21 geese salute.

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J. Crew announced that their website crashed after an overwhelming number of Americans tried to order the Obama girls’ coats online.

So while Barack is trying hard to get an economic stimulus program, apparently Michelle can accomplish it just by shopping.

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(the following is a chick joke, sorry guys.)

Sarah Palin again complained of a biased media, and said she was sure the RNC would have purchased J.Crew for her and her children at Neiman Marcus, but clearly the store must have been sold out.

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Commie pinko alert- conservatives won’t like this next joke…

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said that Bush should have pardoned Scooter Libby. Right, his case involved only leaking the name of a undercover spy. As opposed to something serious, like screwing around with an intern.

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Michelle Obama’s brother Craig Robinson is the new basketball coach at Oregon State, where the team didn’t win a Pac 10 conference game all last year. Thursday, with Robinson back after spending the night at the White House, the Beavers beat highly ranked Cal, 69-65, in Berkeley.

I’m not sure about this “Yes we can” stuff, but wonder how long it will take Robinson to get offers from the Warriors, Wizards and Thunder….

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“Oh brother” department…

Mark McGwire’s younger brother Jay is now claiming in a book that he injected his older brother with steroids. Well, this might be the final nail in the slugger’s reputation and future hopes. On the other hand, Mark might be getting a commiserative phone call from Jeb Bush.
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A high school basketball team apologized after beating a recent opponent 100-0. The team also added that they will no longer schedule games with the Thunder.

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What’s in a oath?

Posted January 22, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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After Chief Justice Roberts flubbed the word “faithfully” during the Presidential oath, President Obama retook the oath Wednesday.

Bill Clinton called to offer Obama support, saying he too had had a problem with that “faithfully” part.

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Barack Obama has already changed the White House, eliminating George W. Bush’s policy of “jackets required.” And of course Bill Clinton’s policy of “pants not required.”

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Michelle Obama gave Laura Bush a parting gift of a journal and inscribed pen. George W. Bush was so touched, he decided to give the Obama girls a book and some of his favorite crayons.

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The journal was inscribed with a quote from Louis L’Amour – “There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning.” George W. said, “Cool, I get it….extra innings.”

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PETA would like Michael Vick to undergo psychiatric evaluation before he returns to the NFL. Presumably the first sanity test question – how would you feel about playing for the Detroit Lions?
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From Carey Schwartz, my son: Jeff Kent has retired. Presumably he wants to spend more time washing his truck.

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President Obama hit the ground running on his first day, hoping to usher in a new era of competence. But for Washingtonians who aren’t quite ready for that, there’s still the Wizards.

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How big was Obama’s inauguration? It was an event of such Olympic proportions that NBC almost tape-delayed it on the West Coast.

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Quick inaugural day thought…

Posted January 20, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Jill Biden said that she advised Joe to take the vice presidency offer because as secretary of state he would have been traveling all the time and she would never see him.

Funny, that’s the same reason Bill advised Hillary to take the secretary of state offer.

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15 South African Airways crew members were arrrested at London’s Heathrow airport after customs agents found over 100 pounds of marijuana in their luggage.

Kind of puts a whole new spin on “mile-high” club, doesn’t it?.

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Another brief pre-inaugural post…

Posted January 18, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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It’s a party atmosphere in Washington D.C. this weekend. But Republicans are scarcer than US Airways executives at a fundraiser for the Audubon society.

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So what’s rarer now – an actual Cardinal in Arizona, or a steelworker in Pittsburgh?

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And for all high school quarterbacks making decisions on college and thinking that for their football careers they need to go to the highest profile Division 1 school available…. may I present – the Northern Iowa vs. Miami (of Ohio) Super Bowl.. Yep, the alma maters of Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger …

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This Super Bowl matchup is making television executives think back longingly to that marquee World Series with the Rays and Phillies.

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But kudos to Kurt Warner. The only downside, he will have to cancel his taping of that “Where are they now?” episode.

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Pre-inaugural thoughts…

Posted January 17, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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From Washington D.C. Where residents are dealing with road closures, crowds, and many other inconveniences. On the brighter side, due to the inaugural and hotel situation, the 8-31 NBA Wizards have left on a road trip.

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President-elect Obama arrived today – January 17 – in D.C. – on a special railway car on an Amtrak train. Say what you want about his politics… the guy is smart. As in building 3 days of “give” into the system when travelling by Amtrak.

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The train trip was designed to evoke memories of President Lincoln’s train trip from Springfield to the nation’s capital in 1861. Although that trip took 12 days. 12 days?!!! Didn’t realize Amtrak was even runnihg then.

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In his inauguaral President-elect Obama in trying to evoke memories of President Lincoln. And he is really working hard on the bi-partisanism. In fact, Obama particularly singled out Senator John McCain for sharing his first hand memories of Lincoln’s inaugural.

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The train trip was uneventful, so it appears to have been a good idea. Apparently one other option Obama considered was cruising to D.C. on US Air.

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In semi-seriousness, with the economy down and retail suffering, perhaps a solution, brand anything and everything with Obama’s picture on it. Everything from t-shirts to beanie hats to Metro subway cards seems to be flying off the shelves

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It’s a cold day in Washington…

Posted January 17, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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With icy-cold temperatures expected, there are rumors that Obama’s inauguration might have to be moved indoors. Which would mean a lot of disappointed people standing out in the cold. A common occurrence in Washington, except usually involving Redskins fans.

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But it’s been a rough several months for New Yorkers. I mean, this inauguration was supposed to be either President Hillary Clinton or Rudy Guiliani, while this weekend the N.Y Giants (and maybe the Jets with Brett Favre) were supposed to be playing for a spot in the Super Bowl. And let’s not forget the expected World Series champion New York Yankees or Mets…
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Tiger Woods will be speaking at Barack Obama’s inaugural ceremonies. Many of his fellow pro golfers were disappointed to hear it. They felt Obama should have given Tiger a role more commensurate with his abilities, like an ambassadorship that would regularly take him out of the country on a full-time basis.

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It’s been eight years and President Bush doesn’t quite get it. When he was told at first he would need to give a farewell address, his first response was “Well, until Tuesday it’s still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

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