The ageless number 50.

Posted June 17, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Jamie Moyer on Wednesday became the oldest pitcher to beat the Yankees. For that matter, Moyer had his best day against the New York lineup since early in his career when he struck out both Ruth and Gehrig.

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How long has Moyer been pitching? When he started, the Yankees’ main rivals were the Confederates.

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Moyer has said he wants to keep pitching until he is at least 50. Which will make him the first pitcher whose number equals his average pitch speed.

The soft-tossing Moyer will never be accused of using “juice.” Unless it’s prune.

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Headline after Wednesday’s World Cup matches…

The pain in Spain is mainly from the game…

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New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush says the NCAA’s punishment of USC feels like “the closest thing to death without dying.” Great sense of perspective from a guy who plays football in a city still recovering from Katrina and now threatened by the BP oil spill.

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The NFL may expand its regular season from 16 to 18 games, and cut down pre-season matchups from 4 to 2. Which would mean the same number of weeks, but few meaningless games. Well, except for fans of the Detroit Lions.

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There are advantages to living in a country that doesn’t care that much about the World Cup. Instead of going into national mourning when our team gets upset or our goalie makes a mistake, here in the USA it’s “Bummer, what time is ‘So you think you can dance?’ on?”

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Tom Izzo decided to bypass dealing with all the difficult egos of NBA players and remain at Michigan State, saying that instead of coaching superstars “at the NBA level, I’m going to coach them in the NCAA.” And what he didn’t add, in college he will only have to put up with them for one year.

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So the Pac 10 decided to add teams in hopes of increasing television ratings, which will now mean all teams can’t play each other in one year, and they ended up with… Colorado and Utah?! Even Jim Joyce is saying, “Guys, you REALLY blew that call.”
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The additional of Utah was really a last minute scramble, as since the Pac 10 already had signed up Colorado, they needed some other Division 1 level team in the vicinity of the West to even out their numbers. Guess the Seattle Seahawks turned them down too?

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The University of Texas, after some serious flirting with other conferences, and having had meaningful discussions with at least two of them, now says they are “committed long-term to the Big 12.” Isn’t that kind of like Bill Clinton saying he is committed long-term to Hillary?

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Supervisors in San Francisco voted to require that cell phone retailers post the amount of radiatiion emitted by all the phones they sell. How about a notice saying “If you use this device while driving, bicycling or walking across the street, you probably won’t live long enough for radiation to be a problem?”

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From Bill Littlejohn, Chad Ochicinco said, “”I’m dependable like birth control, 99.9 percent of the time.” I think he’d better stay away from Travis Henry.

And my followup joke. On the other hand, Ochicinco has been offered an endorsement deal with BP.

Comments: 1 Comment

Truth and rumors?

Posted June 16, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

The “Star” magazine claims that Al Gore has been having an affair with comedian Larry David’s ex-wife Laurie. If true, I guess Al just couldn’t curb his enthusiasm.

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Pete Carroll is complaining about the sanctions imposed upon USC and denied he left the university to escape imminent penalties, saying, since it’s been a five-year investigation – “Why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Uh, Pete, because maybe anyone following it knew that investigation was about to be concluded this year?

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Or the other answer to “why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Presumably that would be, like apparently some of his recruits, Carroll was holding out for the highest bidder.

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Oil executives testifying in Washington Tuesday labeled the BP oil spill a “rare event that has little chance of reoccurring.” Yeah, well the same thing applies to a potential missed call at the end of a perfect game. But that kind of mistake only damages the record books, not the economies of several states and an ecosystem.

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Near Cincinnati, Ohio, “Touchdown Jesus”, a six-story-tall status of Jesus with his arms raised, burned to the ground during a recent thunderstorm. Could it be a sign that BYU and Utah deserve more BCS consideration?-

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The government is considering banning peanuts on planes. Great, one more thing to put in a TSA plastic bag. M and Ms, so security can make sure they are the “Plain” kind

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Apparently the New Zealand – Slovakia match was so uninspiring to fans in the stadium that they put down their vuvuzelas at times in favor of just doing the wave. Which means that both teams just picked up a whole lot of international supporters.
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Looks like the Celtics really mailed it in tonight. Fans who tuned in thought they were watching a repeat of the regular season.

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Boston’s 67 points were the lowest scoring total in their long NBA finals history. What championship do they think they are playing for, the World Cup?

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For any Canadian readers, The University of Waterloo (Ontario) suspended its football team for an entire year. Apparently so many players tested positive for steroids that they called it that they called it the “most significant doping issue” in the history of Canadian university sports.

I can see the Toronto Argonauts marketing campaign now – “Come watch the only guaranteed steroid free team in Canada.”

(note to non-Canadian readers, for Argonauts substitute Detroit Lions or some equally lousy NFL team.)

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From Wendell Potter about the demise of “Touchdown Jesus” in Ohio – “Doesn’t it tell you something when a statue of Jesus is hit by lightning but the Gay Pride parades all went off without a hitch?”

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It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-

Comments: 3 Comments

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad World Cup.

Posted June 15, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

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How we know for sure the major U.S. networks don’t consider the World Cup a major draw for American viewers? The games aren’t being shown tape-delayed, especially on the West Coast.

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Actually apropos of nothing, wonder how many more Americans would watch the World Cup if it coincided with “Happy Hour?”

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Japan won their opening match against Cameroon 1 to 0. This elicted two responses from most Japanese sports fans. 1. “This is great news.” 2. “What’s the World Cup?”

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It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.

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When political prisoners were allowed to watch the World Cup matches with the sound on high, rumor has it many said “I’d rather be waterboarded.”

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A British tabloid reports that a TV documentary later this week will allege Tiger Woods had a “secret love child” and that DNA evidence supports their claim.

If true this could be be the most expensive Tiger cub in history.

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The Saints are hoping that the USC investigation and probation doesn’t become a distraction for Reggie Bush. But Bush says, not to worry, he is good at keeping off-field issues separate from his role on the team. For example, after he was drafted, he didn’t sulk at all when he took a pay cut by signing that first New Orleans contract.

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The University of Texas on Monday has announced they are staying in the Big 12, with a press conference called for tomorrow. Translation, they are working out how to put the most admirable spin on the fact “the other conferences didn’t offer us enough money.

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Kobe Bryant apparently called out his Lakers teammates after their game 5 loss to the Celtics. This was a change… Kobe realizes he HAS teammates?

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from Marc Ragovin, might be more true than funny: “The British media is killing goalie Robert Green for the soft goal he let in during the US/England World Cup game. Which might be a bit harsh. Its not like he’s responsible for destroying another country’s entire ecosystem or anything.”

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on a lighter World Cup note, from Alex Kaseberg: “A doctor told the Argentina men’s soccer team it’s OK to have sex during the World Cup. This isn’t going to endear soccer to homophobic American sports fans. Oh, they can have sex with their wives or girlfriends? Oh, sorry.”

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President Obama said today that “Gulf seafood was safe to eat.” Suppose this could make sense. If oil was always a poison, KFC wouldn’t have any customers left alive.

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There’s a report out that California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman shoved an employee during a dispute while she was CEO of Ebay, and the incident was resolved with an undisclosed settlement. In related news, Jerry Brown is no longer going to use the term “take the gloves off” regarding any future debates.

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Sarah Palin has announced that she plans to go to England and hopes to meet with Maggie Thatcher. Palin says she really wants to talk to Thatcher about what she did for the country, and how she liked living in Buckingham Palace.

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is standing by her statement that people on the government “no-fly” list should be able to purchase guns. She says she doesn’t want to take rights away from people who might be on that list mistakenly.. Brave words from a woman who travels by corporate jet.

Comments: 3 Comments

Knuckling down to business.

Posted June 14, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Congratulations to Tim Wakefield, who has just become one of the very few pitchers in modern history to pitch over 3000 innings.

Added all together, that would be a total of over 330 complete games. And in all those innings, at least a dozen pitches that topped 70 mph.

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Years ago, Randy Johnson threw a pitch that killed a bird. A little known story is that Wakefield also hit a bird with a pitch. Said bird is still telling the story to his grandchildren.

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How slow does knuckleballer Tim Wakefield throw? Put it this way, he threw one pitch, and was called for delay of game before it reached the batter.

As hitting coach Charlie Lau once said, however, “there are two theories of hitting a knuckleball. Neither one works.”

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On the other hand, in those 3,000 innings, how many catchers has Wakefield pushed towards being alcoholics?
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Big 12 theme song – Almost all my ex’s live in Texas?

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Vince Young this weekend joined an increasingly long line of NFL players who made the news other than on the sports page by getting arrested for an altercation outside a strip club.

So the question, since the term “cautionary tale” doesn’t seem to apply….does the NFL need better helmets? Or is this just testosterone poisoning?

At this point, fans of the long-running but recently cancelled show may be able to look forward to “Law and Order – NFL edition.”

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Although at the college level… Florida State sophomore wide receiver Frankie Hammond, Jr, 20, was arrested this weekend. Hammond was pulled over for an alleged DUI, going 45 in a 20 zone, swerving, and driving with two open bottles of whiskey in his car.

Well, with or without Bobby Bowden looks like it’s still Felony Stupidity University.

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After the USA team played English to that 1-1 tie June 12, their next game is now…June 18? Who do these World Cup schedulers think they are, the NBA?

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Thanks in part to a marquee England-USA match, millions of Americans are watching their first World Cup on televison. And thanks to the “vuvuzelas,” millions of Americans have also discovered how to work their “mute” buttons.
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A World Cup television question? How do you close caption a “vuvuzela?

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Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, died at the age of 81. In his honor, for the next week at Denny’s all Grand Slam breakfasts will be served with a moment of silence.

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The NBA finals and the Tonys have something in common. In both you are likely to get rewarded for great acting.
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President Obama apparently will make a major address about the oil spill in the Gulf after he visits the area Tuesday. David Axelrod says, however, that Obama’s “not going to make any judgments about the soul of BP execs.” Makes sense, at this point nobody’s sure if any of them have one.

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And on a not so cheery final note, should we be worried that the initials BP also stand for “bankruptcy protection?”

Comments: 4 Comments

“Look ma, no hands”

Posted June 13, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Not exactly the headline England wanted to see about their goalie.

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After watching that game-tying goal for the US today, I have a question: While I’m not a soccer expert, aren’t goalies supposed to be able to use their hands?

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Apple, whose iPhone gets great reviews from consumers except for staying connected during actual phone calls, is considering an endorsement contract with English goalkeeper Robert Green. Theme of the campaign “Sometimes, drops just happen.”

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And of course there’s the possibility for Green of being in an commercial for Allstate Insurance, representing the unnamed competition. With of course the usual tagline “You’re in good hands with Allstate.”

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Actually, watching the World Cup, you understand why it’s called “football.” And actually why the American game should be called “throwball” or “carryball.” The only kickers in American football tend to be soccer-style anyway.

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From Marc Ragovin: BP finally has a strategy for dealing with the runaway oil well. Its called the “hey, the World Cup is on TV.”

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New toast in the Mountain and Central time zones of the U.S. “May your troubles last as long as the Big 12 conference.”

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Just one thought about those plastic World Cup trumpets? Anyone have some SERIOUS mosquito repellent around?

They’re actually called “vuvuzelas” Which I think is an African term meaning “Most annoying sound ever.”

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Americans in South Africa at the World Cup are complaining about the plastic trumpets known as “vuvuzelas,” saying the noise they make is boring, annoying, and interminable. And South Africans are replying “Look who’s talking, the country who sent as their representative Joe Biden.”

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The only good thing about the tie in England, apparently President Obama and new Prime Minister David Cameron had a bet on the match. If the U.S. won, Cameron was going to send over some of England’s best beer. If England won, Obama was going to send over America’s best.

And the Brits are thinking, well, at least we don’t have to drink that crap.

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The SF Giants are pushing fans to vote for their players for the All Star game, including Aaron Rowand. With all due respect to the Giants, not only is the .223 hitting Rowand not one of the top three outfielders in the National League, he isn’t one of the top three outfielders in San Francisco.

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A lunch with Warren Buffett, which sold for $2.6 million, took the record for biggest Ebay purchase ever. Of course, this record could be usurped, if former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman is able to buy the California governorship, for her stated bid of $150 million.

Comments: 3 Comments

New math?

Posted June 12, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The Big 10 has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. And for now the Pac 10 has 11. And we wonder why college athletes have trouble with math?

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Colorado to the Pac 10, Nebraska to the Big 10. For starters. And the NCAA is sanctioning USC because their student-athletes somehow got the idea that college football is about money.

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Reader Gary Morton sent in this great idea, though he doesn’t know who wrote it, ” the NCAA should ban USC’s band from playing ‘Conquest’ all 4 years they’re on probation. (“Conquest”, for the unitiated is the USC fight song…)

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Saturday is the World Cup match between England and the U.S. A match eagerly awaited by the British for months, and for American sports fans, since, well, “Baseball’s not on until mid-afternoon, Tiger’s not playing golf, and the Lakers-Celtics are Sunday night. So what’s on?”

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina now says about her famous “So yesterday” comment about Barbara Boxer that SHE personally wasn’t dissing her opponent’s hair, but was just “quoting a friend.” Hey Carly, if you’re going to be catty, woman up about it.

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And speaking of catty, what would I give to know what Carly thinks about Meg Whitman’s hairstyle?

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At least we won’t have to worry about a hair debate in the gubernatorial race. Jerry Brown won’t notice that Meg Whitman’s style hasn’t changed since he was governor and she was in high school. Ands she won’t diss his hair because he doesn’t have any.

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The 16 year old girl trying to sail around the world solo has apparently been located and is safe after a distress call was triggered by 20 hours of complete silence. And parents of teenagers around the world are thinking “How could they tell anything was wrong? 20 hours of complete silence sounds normal to us.

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Meanwhile U.S. ratings for the last game of the Stanley Cup finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Philadelphia Flyers were the highest since 1974. Or 1974 Americans watched the game. Or both.

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Mike Huckabee, a once and probably future Republican presidential candidate, took on fellow Republican and Indiana governor saying we should call a “truce” on social issues. Huckabee stated that the “issues of life and traditional marriage,” are not “bargaining chips nor are they political issues;” they are the “the basic premises of our civilization.”

If “traditional marriage” is a basic premise of civilization, then it might be time to put Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign, and yes, John Edwards, on the terrorist watch list.

Comments: 5 Comments

A picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a post.

Posted June 12, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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University of $ and not enough ¢

Posted June 11, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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USC has long been known in the Pac 10 as the University of $’s and ¢’s But now the NCAA has decided that they’ve paid out too many of those dollars to student athletes, specifically Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. So the school is going on probation, will be banned from bowls for 2 years, and will forfeit 30 scholarships.

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On the bright side, with coach Lane Kiffin, the team wasn’t likely to qualify for any serious bowl anyway.

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The NCAA has warned USC that if they don’t clean up their act, the sanctions could get worse. As in they may be forced to keep Kiffin as their coach indefinitely.

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Lane Kiffin actually attracted the notice of NCAA investigators at his last job, at the University of Tennessee. So he could end with an dubious record, the first D1 coach to have two teams on major probation before he goes to a major bowl game.

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Actually USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they’d have to change the name from “Pinstripe Bowl” to “Jailstripe Bowl.”

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Ben Roethlisberger gave a contrite interview to a local Pittsburgh radio station, saying “”I got caught up being Big Ben the whole time. I lost track of who Ben Roethlisberger was. It’s not something I’m proud of,”

Yo, Ben, if you’re serious about getting back on track, lose the third person.

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Former (as of last week) Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has a record of getting into trouble almost as long as his stellar onfield record. He was expelled from Serra High School (and spent time in juvenile detention) for his part in a string of robberies. Then he was suspended for the year after pleading guilty to an on-campus burglary. And then he was finally kicked of the team for not only getting cited for marijuana possession, but driving with a suspended license.

Masoli may be out of changes in college football, but he’s looking good for being cast in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

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The first domino has fallen. The University of Colorado has agreed to join the Pac 10. And sure, why not, when you think of the Pacific, you have to think of Boulder, Colorado.

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Random thought. Does any top level athlete in the world look QUITE as sulky and petulant in an interview as Kobe Bryant does after a loss?

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Apparently the Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players aren’t being abusive. Who says sports isn’t educational?

Or a variation on the theme from Bill Littlejohn:

“The Brazilian referee and his assistants for Saturday’s England-United States game at the World Cup are brushing up on the lexicon of English-language obscenities and gestures.This morning, they observed video of the latest arrest of Amy Winehouse”

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Coming soon, the Pac 10-Big 10 matchup everyone has wanted to see in the Rose Bowl – Texas vs. Nebraska.

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Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open to any weekday between 3 and 4am.

Comments: 1 Comment

Blackhawks not down

Posted June 10, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

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Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.

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The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

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Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.

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Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

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Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”

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The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.

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And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

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So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)

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Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)

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Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

Comments: 1 Comment

Superman comes to Washington…

Posted June 9, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Congrats to Stephen Strasburg, who got his first win today in his first start for the Nationals against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Now it will be exciting to see how he does in his next start, against major league hitting.

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Actually, with Strasburg’s next starts projected to be in interleague games against the last-place Indians, and the sub .500 White Sox and Royals, it may be a while until he sees major league hitting.

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But how much pressure is Strasburg under? Even Barack Obama said, “You know, I really think people in Washington expect him to be a miracle worker.”

Added the President “On the other hand, if he has any ideas about oil slicks…”

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A 3-year-old girl is recovering after suffering a fractured skull when she was hit by a line drive during batting practice at Dodger Stadium.

This wouldn’t happen in San Francisco. The Giants don’t hit balls that hard.

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This from reader Gary Morton: Amid continuing rumor and speculation in about conference re-alignment with college football teams, USC is considering accepting an invitation to join the NFC West.
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There is now talk that BP may be underestimating the daily amount of oil spilling into the Gulf. What, BP being less than honest and straightforward about numbers? It’s sort of like assuming Tiger Woods hasn’t been honest with Elin about his total of mistresses.

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Sarah Palin, complaining about the President’s lack of executive experience and thus response to the BP Oil Spill, says Obama should call her. And Barack Obama is thinking, she has no idea the things I’ve wanted to call her.

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Election thoughts.

Really low turnout in California for the primary elections. Amazing how many people don’t have time to vote, but have plenty of time to bitch about the results.

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Based on election results, it looks like the 49ers may be moving to Santa Clara. Scary thought, less people may have voted to bring the new stadium to Santa Clara than will actually fit in it to see a game.

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Gavin Newsom, who started out campaigning for Governor, ending up winning the California Democrat primary for Lieutenant Governor, a office he once called a “do-nothing” position. Based on his recent tenure as mayor, many San Franciscans think the job could be a perfect fit.

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Carly Fiorina at her victory celebration in the Republican Senate primary told a story of a woman who squeezed her hand and said “I’ve never voted before but I’m voting for you today.” That was awfully sweet of Meg Whitman.

Comments: 4 Comments

Swooning for sports in June

Posted June 8, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The World Cup starts later this week. Here’s a suggestion to stimulate U.S. interest in the event: Publish a 32 team bracket online and in major newspapers. Along with a statement saying any potential office betting pools would be strictly illegal.

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In the meantime, the end of the NBA playoffs is in sight. You know what that means. Pre-season basketball is just around the corner.

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Carlos Silva is off to the best start by a Cubs pitcher in 43 years – 8 and 0. Overall Chicago is 26-31. What would this year be like for Cubs fans without him? Ask fans of the Baltimore Orioles.

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Not to say the Nats’ latest top prospect, Bryce Harper, is young. But Jamie Moyer could be his grandfather. (Biologically just about true actually,, Moyer is 48, Harper is 17.)

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The Nationals say they won’t rush the young Harper to the big leagues. Just as well, they’ll have to prep all the umpires first, so they don’t yell at him “punk, get off my grass.”

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Bud Selig says he is “extremely comfortable” about his decision not to reverse Jim Joyce’s blown call in Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. Of course, this is the man who said last year, “The so-called “steroid era is clearly a thing of the past”.

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And Selig also indicates that he doesn’t want to expand instant replay because he’s a “traditionalist.” Bud thinks rule changes should be reserved for important things.

Important things like allowing, for example, a hanging curve ball from a relief pitcher on a cellar-dwelling team in a meaningless game, to determine home field advantage for the World Series.

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Selig has said he’s spoken to “several” baseball people who are against expanding instant replay. Translation, the Yankees don’t like the idea.
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After over a $100 million primary, on Tuesday California Republican voters will decide which gubernatorial candidate has done the best job of positioning themselves on the far right. And then the winner will spend another $100 million trying to convince voters in the general election that they didn’t mean it.
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What’s more bizarre? That Rush Limbaugh, who openly opposes gay marriage, asked Elton John to perform at his fourth wedding? Or that Sir Elton accepted?

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A bit of gallows humor – this BP oil spill looks like it may last longer than any of Limbaugh’s marriages.

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Losses and other Imperfections

Posted June 7, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

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John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

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The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

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But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

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The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

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But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

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This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

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Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

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And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

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Delta’s new motto?

Posted June 6, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

We’ll take a shot at it?

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A Delta Airlines flight attendant was arrested after trying to board a plane with a handgun in her purse.

And I feel embarrassed if TSA catches me with a bottle of nail polish.

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The woman was the second Delta employee that TSA caught within a month trying to bring a gun on board. (The other was an off-duty pilot.) In related news, Delta was voted the airline where passengers are now least likely to complain about the inflight movie.

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Just wondering – why dont they just retitle the FOX MLB Game of the Week the Yankees showcase and be done with it?

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The Belmont Stakes was won Saturday by a 13-1 longshot named “Drosselmeyer.”

Of course, with no chance for a Triple Crown winner this year, most Americans cared about the race as much as they will about the final round of the Memorial Golf tournament, with Tiger out of contention.

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Tom Petty concert tonight. These days there are just a few different things about a Petty concert –

For examples, when fans hold lighters in the air, they are actually using them to light something.

And the lines to the restrooms are only equalled by the lines at the “Jack in the Box” after the concert right across from the arena entrance. And maybe for Doritos at the closest 7-11.

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Plus of course as Petty nears 60 – this year – the songs change a bit “I need to know” (because I don’t remember), and Free Falling (but now I can’t get up.)

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Petty said the first time he played in the Oakland Arena was the late 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago that was, the Golden State Warriors were actually good.

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Four weddings and a funeral.

Posted June 5, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

John Wooden passed away tonight at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said “So tragically young!”
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Wooden was by far the winningest college basketball coach in the Pac 8. Many NBA players now will wonder – what was the “Pac 8?” And given recent trends, no doubt it won’t be too many years before many of them as “what is college basketball?”

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Rush Limbaugh is getting married for the fourth time. This is shocking. There are four women in American stupid enough to consider marrying Limbaugh?

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And with this fourth wife, it now means Limbaugh has had more wives than our last three Democratic presidents COMBINED.

(True, Carter, Clinton, Obama are all on their first.)

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The woeful Orioles fired manager Dave Trembley Friday and replaced him with interim manager Juan Samuel. Question – isn’t the term “Orioles interim manager” redundant?

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Some wondered before the Stanley Cup finals if the Philadelphia Flyers even belonged on the same ice as the Chicago Blackhawks. And so far the verdict is… more than the San Jose Sharks.

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House Minority Leader John Boehner wants Paul McCartney to apologize for his comment upon receiving a Library of Congress award – “After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is.”

And to be fair, I am sure Laura has told W. what a library is, he just hasn’t been in one.

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An open question to baseball fans. If it had been a New York Yankees pitcher who was cheated out of a perfect game, ya think Bud Selig’s response would still basically have been “Accidents happen?”

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It’s only June and already 2011 calendars are on sale. I hear they’re selling particularly well near Wrigley Field.

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BP CEO Tony Hayward: “So far I’m unscathed … Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” On the Gulf Coast, along with the attempted beach cleanups, the hunt is on for sticks and stones.

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Instant nostalgia: Hard to believe only a couple months ago the biggest oil jokes involved Burger King’s “Double Down” sandwich.

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Great joke from Alan Ray: Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. He filled out his profile all wrong. Under education, he put “It’s complicated”.

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Lakers – Celtics – “The haves vs. the haves.”

Posted June 4, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Or perhaps the other motto for this NBA finals “Cinderella has left the building.

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In Washington D.C. to accept an award at the Library of Congress, Paul McCartney quipped “It’s nice to have a president again who knows what a library is.” Probably just as well though that Sir Paul didn’t ask the 48 year old Obama if he knew about the Beatles.

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Luckiest athlete as far as avoiding embarrassment this week? Serena Williams. How often does a number one ranked athlete in the world get upset at a major event, and it’s not even the top story on Sportscenter?

The sports world is still buzzing about Jim Joyce’s mistake at first base last night. It might be the most famous blown call in history. Or at least since when Bill Clinton was talking on the phone in the Oval Office while being serviced by Monica.

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Give Jim Joyce a lot of credit. He admitted making a mistake a lot faster than anyone connected with BP.

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Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga actually are turning out to be one of the classier sports stories of the year. As opposed to this one.

Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, already under fire for accepting free Lakers tickets, nonetheless went to the opening game of the finals. As reported in the Los Angeles Times:

“I am going to the Lakers game tonight,”he said. “And I’ve made it very clear, as I understand the rules and regulations, it is not a reportable gift when I am in an official capacity. I will be going tonight in an official capacity.”

Can’t imagine how the Lakers did it without him.

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And commissioner Bud Selig is apparently not going to reverse the bad call that denied Armando Galarraga a perfect game. But he should. It was the most embarrassing sports story to come out of Detroit in recent memory, well, not involving the Detroit Lions.

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A T and T is eliminating unlimited data plans for their smartphones. So customers who want to stay in touch with friends may have to actually use the phones to make calls.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Jose Canseco says that he could’ve been a professional bowler.I don’t know about that–he’s always had trouble staying out of the gutter”

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Naptime is now any time for Junior.

Posted June 3, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Ken Griffey, Jr, 40, announced his retirement today from Major League Baseball. And Jamie Moyer, 48, commented “So young?”

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or

Ken Griffey. Jr. 40, just announced his retirement. So far this season he was batting .184 with no home runs and seven RBIs. But considering his age and stats, it won’t be long until he gets an offer from the San Francisco Giants.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the Giants’ not trying to sign Dontrelle Willis, he of the latest $12 million disappointing contract “Of course they wouldn’t try to sign Willis – he can hit.”

(and yes, Dontrelle Willis, whatever his faults has long been considered one of the best hitting pitchers in Major League Baseball.)

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The Tigers’ Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game Wednesday night, except for the umpire’s admitted error in calling the batter safe at first with two outs in the ninth.

It was the worst call in Detroit history, well, at least since GM decided to build the Chevy Vega.

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This could go down in history as Major League Baseball’s first “28 up-28 down” perfect game.

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Give first-base umpire Jim Joyce some credit, however, for manning up and saying “I just cost that kid a perfect game.”

There were 20 perfect games in history before tonight. Wonder if there’s been 20 times an umpire said “I made a mistake?”

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Another day, another problem with BP’s equipment and their efforts to cap their damaged oil well. Maybe they shouldn’t be buying all this stuff from ACME corporation.

(Says Alex Kaseberg in a “great minds” – BP is starting to make Wil E. Coyote look like a genius)

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Just wondering, if we waterboard terrorists to get the answers that might save our country, how long until someone suggests “oilboarding” executives at BP?

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Now Serena is out of the French Open. This has turned out to be the year that Americans in Paris have fallen faster than “Drill Baby Drill” signs now in Louisiana.

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An Alaska newspaper has warned writer Joe McGinniss that Sarah Palin has a right to shoot to protect her property. But does any politcial reporter really need to be told that someone who wanted to be a Republican vice-president has a gun and is not afraid to use it?
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Comments: 1 Comment

So, no more “winning one for the Tipper.”

Posted June 2, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. Okay, who’d a thunk this? The longest married American political couple, without any divorce history, might end up being Bill and Hillary Clinton.

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Al and Tipper Gore say their separation is amicable and there is no affair involved. Makes sense, the cheating Al has likely been doing is on his diet.

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For the Gores’ sakes let’s hope it’s just that the couple has grown apart, and that the tabloids won’t soon be full of “Inconvenient Truths.”

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And if the separation comes to divorce, Al in particular will want to settle this by mediation. He doesn’t have a good history with the courts.

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Ah for the good old days, when the biggest post-Katrina disaster story out of Louisiana was JaMarcus Russell.

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The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup?

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The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks.

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The World Cup will actually be starting late next week. Although most Americans are likely to ignore it. Sort of like any golf tournament without Tiger.

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Latest give-away promotion idea at A T and T Park – Orange and black paper bag night. And during the game fans can watch to see if the Giants can hit their way out of one.

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Dontrelle Willis was traded with cash by the Detroit Tigers to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Willis had been a huge disappointment for the Tigers, who had given him a 3 year $29 million contract extension, for a 2-8 overall mark and an ERA near 7.

One question, how did Dontrelle ever sign such a deal with Detroit and not Brian Sabean?

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Star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom decided not to retire at the age of 40, and signed a one year contract with the Detroit Red Wings at a “slight” paycut from $7.5 to $6.2 million.

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Guess it seemed only appropriate for him to give the team a senior discount.
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Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, now up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals, have not seen their team win the NHL championship since 1961. 49 years!

“Wimps” – responded Cubs fans.

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Comments: 3 Comments

Here’s the pitch

Posted June 1, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Ubaldo Jiminez outdueled Tim Lincecum Monday afternoon in San Francisco in a 4-0 Rockies win. But to be fair, Lincecum didn’t have the advantage of pitching against the Giants lineup.

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On Tuesday June 1, the Florida Marlins will sell unused tickets to the game in which the Roy Halladay of the Phillies pitched a perfect game, a 1-0 victory over the Marlins on May 30.

While I sympathize with the team’s desire to make money, doesn’t that cheapen it for the hundreds of people who were actually there?

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The Nationals have announced that highly touted prospect Stephen Strasburg will make his first start in Washington June 8 against the Pittsburg Pirates. Disappointing all those who wanted to see his debut against major league pitching.

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As the Celtics prepare to meet the Lakers in the NBA finals, some people think that the team mailed it in for much of the regular season. Not saying there’s any truth to that, but Boston was named the official team of the U.S. Post Office.

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Senator David Vitter from Louisiana says he still supports off-shore oil drilling, despite the BP disaster, because otherwise every time there is a plane crash, we should “oppose air travel.” Last time I checked, however, plane crashes, while awful, don’t spread wreckage over several states and potentially destroy ecosystems.

Vitter, you may remember, is the congressman who was caught in a prostitution scandal both in New Orleans and in Washington. How embarrassing. Many of the prostitutes involved are now ashamed to have been with someone who’s such a whore for BP.

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One of those “TMI” subplots with Vitter’s prostitution scandal was that the congressman had a bit of a diaper fetish. Wonder if he’s thinking diapers now might help stop the oil leaks.

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Celene Dion is apparently pregnant with twins. Assuming a healthy and successful pregnancy she plans to take some time off from singing. Which means good wishes are flowing in from all over the world.

from Marc Ragovin:

So we just celebrated Memorial Day, which is the unofficial start of summer. And the official end of the Pirates’ season.

and from Bill Littlejohn:

On the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey being selected to host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl: “The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice.’’

(I’ve got to think that with the probable freezing temperatures, all any woman performance will need is to go bra-less for a “wardrobe malfunction.”)

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

Posted May 30, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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Comments: 3 Comments

BP – Beyond Prevarication.

Posted May 29, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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