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Presidential madness:

March 19, 2011

Barack Obama is 29-3 in his picks in the NCAA men’s tournament. The president is in the 100th percentile on ESPN.com’s Tournament Challenge, tied for 492nd out of 5,923,829 submitted brackets.

So hey, the U.S. is trying to come up with creative ways to fix the deficit – maybe Obama should take his talents to Las Vegas.

 

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On the other hand, now that he lives in Washington D.C. who better than Obama to be an expert on amateur basketball?   His home team is now the Wizards.

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But sorry folks,  referring to Thursday and Friday games in this year’s NCAA tournament as “second round” games  is B.S.   This was the FIRST round. Those little matchups on Tuesday and Wednesday were “play-in” games. Even the BCS is thinking “Have you no shame?”

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Michigan 75 – Tennessee 45. This game was so embarrassing that Volunteers fans are wondering if Lane Kiffin was somehow involved.

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Augie’s proposed headline for USC’s early exit – “Flaccid Trojans get Rammed.”

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Pete Kendall, the NFL players association representative says that negotiations broke off because the owners’ last offer suddently made salaries a fixed cost and was “kind of the old switcheroo.” Yeah, how does he think they became billionaires in the first place?

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The University of Michigan cancelled a planned trip with three games to Stanford this weekend due to a forecast of rain, and will instead play in a tournament at Eastern Michigan University. Which coincidentally saves a lot of money the school can use towards say….football?

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The AP Stylebook apparently has decided that it’s now “email” not “e-mail.” Just in time for the majority of the world to have switched to social media and texts.

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Dan Quayle defended President Obama’s golfing by saying “I’m glad he’s playing. I think presidents deserve down time. And believe me, he is in constant communication with what’s going on.”

And some in the GOP allegedly responded, yeah, well what does Quayle know? Who would ever think he was qualified to be president. Oops, never mind.

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A Florida State Senator wants to require that an alternative he calls “non-evolution” be taught in public school classrooms. Well,, I must say, as far as evidence against the theory of evolution, many of the residents – and elected officials – of Florida do provide pretty good examples.

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Upset stomachs.

March 18, 2011
March 17 was a day for upset stomachs  – for drinkers and nondrinkers alike, the day after St. Patrick’s Day.    Especially for those who had Louisville into the Final Four.
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There was actually a semi-upset in the play-in round, as the relatively unheralded VCU Rams knocked off the  USC Trojans, 59-46.   USC players were particularly upset after the game and wishing they’d gone to the NIT.  Now all that’s left for them this year is the prospect of going to class.
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#13 Morehead State 62, #4 Louisville 61. This might be the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to coach Rick Pitino, at least while he kept his pants on.
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Ken Griffey, Jr now says that he abruptly retired last year because he felt he had “become a distraction.”  Upon hearing the news Brett Favre giggled.
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San Diego Chargers linebacker Kevin Burnett called NFL commissioner Roger Goddell a “blatant liar” in an radio interview. Goddell was shocked – a University Tennessee football graduate knows the word “blatant?”
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A co-pilot for United Express has been charged with flying while drunk on a flight last December from Austin to Denver. Wonder if this means the next airline ticket surcharge will be for a breathalyzer in the cockpit?

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Actor Michael Gough, 94, died today. His most memorable role, on television and in the movies was as Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne/Batman’s butler. Wonder if God called him home on the Batphone?

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SF Giants’ ace Tim Lincecum was quoted in the SF Chronicle as saying his favorite “In and Out Burger’ order is  “Three Double-Doubles. Two fries. A chocolate-strawberry shake. Ketchup please, but hold the lettuce and tomatoes.”

Wow, wonder what would give a skinny little guy like him such a major case of the munchies?

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A sign that we’re getting closer to the beginning of the regular season and real baseball.  Wednesday night The Mariners’ Milton Bradley was ejected for the first time in 2011 

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Now that several of OSUs star players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, have been suspended 5 games for selling memorabilia, coach Jim Tressel has requested his own suspension also be increased to 5 games. Partly this may be in hopes of leniency from the NCAA. Or partly it may be, with his stars gone, Tressel doesn’t want the potential losses on his watch.

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St Patrick’s Day madness.

March 17, 2011
Okay, I’m not a Catholic. But who put the corned beef and cabbage holiday smack in the middle of Lent?’
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New St. Paddy’s toast: “May your troubles last as long as your intact brackets.”
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A note in advance, before you crow over your first upset, you get more crediblity if you  know where your “team” s college actually is. At least have it narrowed down to the right state.  And having some clue of the team’s  mascot doesn’t hurt either.
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Hooters is encouraging fans to visit “HootersHookyDay.com to download both a doctor’s note and a free appetizer coupon for this Thursday and Friday during the NCAA first round basketball games. Of course, if you spend several hours drinking beer and eating Hooters chicken wings you won’t need to fake the doctor’s note the next day.
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The Republican National Committe chair criticized President Obama for taking time to fill out a NCAA bracket in the midst of the “budget and other pressing issues?” Give me a break, Barack picked the top seed to win each bracket. How much time could it have taken?
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Neil Diamond was inducted last night into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead this just killed him.
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The NFL says they will give out more suspensions for illegal hits in 2011. Actually the way it looks like things are going, there will be NO illegal hits in 2011. Or any other hits for that matter
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Michele Bachman is still complaining about the  media’s treatment of  her because she stated, twice, that the “shot heard round the world” that started the Revolutionary war was fired in Lexington, New Hamphire.
Meanwhile, other Republicans are trying to make sure Bachman doesn’t have any speaking engagements scheduled in Alamo, California.
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Federal prosecutors released voicemail messages from Barry Bonds to his mistress. The claim is because Bonds sounds like a angry jerk in many of them, that this was the result of steroids fueled rage. The defense will presumably counter with the argument – Barry has ALWAYS been a jerk.
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The Sacramento Kings have already filed trademark registrations for four names in preparation for a possible move to Southern California:  Anaheim Royals, Anaheim Royals of Southern California, Orange County Royals and Los Angeles Royals. 
Well, considering how much the team stinks on a regular basis, a more fitting  name might be the Kansas City Royals, but that’s already taken.
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And regarding this Sacramento Kings/Royals stuff.  Aren’t American Indian tribes suing to stop what they feel that it’s insulting to their name to have it on a team’s  mascots?   So I presume some relative of the British royal family might know enough basketball to issue a “cease and desist” order to the team wherever they end up.
On the other hand, if the Lakers wanted to call themselves the Royals, this could probably be arranged.
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Atlanta Braves minor league manager and former player Luis Salazar will lose an eye after being hit in the face with a foul line drive during a spring training game. Sad, but amazing this doesn’t happen more often. Especially at places like A T & T park in San Francisco, where half the fans in field club pay more attention to their cell phones than the game.

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Hard choices?

March 15, 2011

While it is against the law for Medicare to pay for prescriptions for  Viagra and other ED  treatments, the Health and Human Services department found the government health program paid claims worth over $3  million for those drugs.

So where are the Tea Party members of Congress standing up and saying government needs to make some “not so hard” choices?

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Meanwhile, the bitching begins about NCAA tourney picks.  And agreed, the Big East and ACC and Pac 10 were probably ranked too high.    But come on, teams with 8-9-10-11  losses, complaining  they didn’t get a chance to play for a national championship?

At TCU, for example, they’re not getting out the violins.

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Michele Bachman on her “geographic malfunction.” “So I misplaced the battles Concord and Lexington by saying they were in New Hampshire. It was my mistake, Massachusetts is where they happened. New Hampshire is where they are still proud of it!” If she’s going to insult states’ patriotism where’s her comment on all the Texans who want to secede?

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Or from Marc Ragovin:  Michele Bachmann has apologized for mistakenly saying that the battle of Lexington and Concord occurred in New Hampshire and not Massachusetts. She said that what she meant to say was that Barack Obama is a Muslim

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Nestle’s Lean Cuisine division announced a major recall of their spaghetti with meatballs because it may contain foreign materials. What, like meat?

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Commie pinko time:

The situation in Japan is beyond awful. But part of the problem apparently is that the Japanese regulatory agency largely leaves it to the utility company to determine if a site is safe. Yeah, that deregulation has worked so well in the U.S., with say, the financial industry.

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Back to reality, or rather unreality. So who made the bigger mistake? The NCAA by, again, not picking Virignia Tech? Or Brad by not picking Chantal?

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Monday night was “the Bachelor” season finale.  A good night for many American households – most women got to control the VCR, while men cheerfully worked on their brackets.

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Jed York just posted this about the NFL lockout on the 49ers website “The ultimate goal is to establish an agreement that is good for the long-term health of the league and provides a tremendous product for you, our fans.” Wonder if he typed this with a straight face?

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If  the NFL lockout shows signs of going more than a few months, will Cam Newton apply for a  amateur reinstatement and another year of eligiblity,  saying his father told him to go pro?

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No Northern California teams are in the mens’ NCAA tournament. Which is a shame. The Sacramento Kings could have been at least a six seed.

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All this talk about a “No-fly” zone over Libya. Northern California travelers would know it would be simpler if we really wanted to bring air traffic to a halt – just put SFO air traffic controllers in charge of the country.

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Pool parties

March 14, 2011

So now it’s down to 68. That’s teams playing for the men’s college basketball championship, not Republicans running for the Presidency in 2012.  (Though the number has to be getting pretty close to that.)

This year, with 68 teams in the NCAA tournament, the games start Tuesday instead of Thursday. Which means two less days to fill out brackets. So much for two of the only productive U.S. worker days in March. 

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So let’s see, USC was selected for a play-in game against VCU.  This after their coach was suspended for the end of the Pac 10 tournament after getting into such a heated argument with an opposing team booster that police were called.

Now, the Trojans are in a bracket where they will play first in Dayton, then in Chicago, which means no doubt a preponderance of East Coast and Midwest fans.  Let’s see, a coach known to be volatile, a program that many Americans love to hate, and playing about 2000 miles from home.  The best action here could be off the court.

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No Northern California teams are in the mens’ NCAA tournament. Which is a shame. The Sacramento Kings could have been at least a six seed.

(and no folks, Oakland is not in California.  Not the Oakland  that’s in the tournament. The University is in Rochester, Michigan.)

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Actually NCAA pools should give a bonus to those who can correctly identify, without Google. where  Oakland, Wofford, Morehead State, Hampton and St. Peters are located. For starters.

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Many are still buzzing about Michele Bachman’s gaffe of claiming the “shot heard round the world” was fired in Lexington, New Hampshire.    Wonder what would happen if she ended up in a room of old time Giants and Dodgers fans.

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One of those days no doubt for at least two travelers.. An announcement at Dulles airport: “Will arriving passengers on flight XYZ please check to see if they have removed their own carry-on bag from the overhead bin and if not, please return immediately to gate C20.”

From my twisted friend  Jim Barach. 

Researchers conducting a shark census off the California Coast have found just 219 Great White sharks. There may actually have been more, but census workers just seemed to keep disappearing…

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Answers to the University “quiz” –   Hampton is in Virginia.  Morehead State is in Kentucky. Wofford is in South Carolina.   And St. Peters is in New Jersey (yes, I had to look that last one up.)

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Springing forward….

March 12, 2011
There were long lines at Apple Stores this weekend for the new iPad 2.  Well, it’s not like most of those in line were missing anything important, like a date.
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Disney’s animated movie “Mars needs Moms,” about a boy whose mom gets kidnapped by Martians, bombed Fridayat the box office with only a $1.7 million take.  Makes sense, the concept sounds scary to young kids, and teenagers already think their moms ARE martians.
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Another in the long line of “Does this really need a punchline” items:
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Michele Bachmann made her first visit to New Hampshire as a 2012 potential presidental candidate. And not once but twice told Republican crowds,  “You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world at Lexington and Concord.”
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Give the gal a break though, living in Minnesota she can’t see New England from her house.
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Rick Santorum (2011) on Newt Gingrich- the indiscretions are “not an issue” with regard to where he stands on matters of policy. Rick Santorum (1999) – after voting to convict Bill Clinton – “I think it’s a sign of decadence and decay. Which is a threat to the fabric of this country.”
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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and league general counsel Jeff Pash said they are cutting their salaries to $1 each during the lockout. No word on how many millions they will get in a bonus from the owners if they break the players union.
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Despite Scott Walker’s already signing the anti-collective bargaining agreement into law, Wisconsin labor protesters are refusing to quit. Well, maybe Brett Favre didn’t set such a bad example after all.
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As we approach NCAA Selection Sunday,, here’s a headline most sports fans thought they’d never see “Harvard on bubble after tough loss.”
(Normally the only bubbles  Harvard men are concerned with have to do with the stock market.)
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Cris Collingsworth was among those rescued when a floating barge restaurant broke loose across from Cincinnati and drifted down the Ohio. Normally the only people up that river without a paddle are Bengals fans.
(My friend Tony asks “But is Cris’s hair okay?”   The good news answer is that his hair is in stable condition but doctors expect it to make a full recovery.)

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Crying shames

March 11, 2011

Of course, on a serious note, the most important story of the day is the tsunami and the tragic results in Japan.  But that doesn’t mean the absurdities of the world take a holiday, and so, today’s blog…..   (Because I really do believe laughter is usually the best medicine.)

The NFL players have de-unionized which increases the chance there will be no professional football next year. So for 49ers and Raiders fans, sounds like business as usual.

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Note to all fans of professional football: The Canadian Football League’s first pre-season game is only three months from Tuesday.

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A new study says that women who get their daily dose of coffee are at less risk of dying from a stroke. Presumably they are also at less risk of killing their husbands and children.

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USC’s mens basketball coach Kevin O’Neill was suspended for the remainder of the Pacific 10  tournament after an “incident”/”verbal altercation” with an opposing team booster in the JW Marriott in Los Angeles.   So is it something in the water in Los Angeles, or do personalites with a tendency to make public fools of themselves just naturally gravitate there?

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And wonder if they’ll suspend O’Neill for something that actually matters to Trojan fans, which this year is likely to be the NIT.

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Happy to have had a suggestion included in ESPN.com’s Page 2 alternative March Madness Top 10 list.  (Although the NFL owners may go down in history as the Maddest this March of all.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=6201171

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Sunday night is the change to Daylight Savings Time in most of the U.S.   If we’re going to lose an hour though, wouldn’t it be better to do it in the cruddiest month, like February?

Dwyane Wade called out Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy  for his criticism,  saying “When statements are made about the Miami Heat, about the attention we get and us crying about it, [from] Orlando they really don’t understand.”

Uh, Dwayne, outside the immediate environs of South Florida, they don’t understand, or sympathize, either.

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From my friend Ben Burnett:  “BREAKING NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN SUES PRODUCERS!!!!……and I think something happened in Japan.”

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Auburn coach Gene Chizik dismissed four players from the football team when they were arrested for armed robbery. Chizik said “these young men have a right for their case to be heard, (but) playing for Auburn University is an honor and a privilege. It is not a right.” Unless you have Heisman-level talent.

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Meanwhile  two Michigan State players were arrested for fighting in an Aspen, Colorado, bar and then trying to flee from officers. Police also said they had to use a stun gun on one of the players.  Presumably MSU will impose serious sanctions on the players, which by current Big 10 standards appears to be a two-game suspension.  The Spartans’ first two games?   Youngstown State and Florida Atlantic.

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Shocks and aftershocks.

March 11, 2011

On a serious if snide note – To all Tea Partiers and others who want to slash government spending absolutely to the bone:. How do you feel about cutting the USGS (United States Geological Survey) and FEMA budgets now?

(my sister, a seismologist, points out that if we were in a government shutdown, it would be illegal for any USGS employee to do any work or even talk to the media right now.)

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And back to a semi-lighter note.  The Government of Japan has issued warnings for residents NOT to head to the coast to see the waves. Can we just give anyone who disobeys those orders a Darwin award right now? 

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Think you’re feeling lonely today? Imagine being a Republican union member in Wisconsin.

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House Speaker John Boehner said that the Obama administration is exacerbating rising energy costs. Tough words from a man who isn’t even willing to cut down on his own personal use of electricity with his tanning bed.

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‎30 million votes for the first, relatively trivial, night of American Idol? Maybe the producers can adjust the show so that the final is in the fall – combining it with the general election might actually increase turnout.

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The three officials who missed two major turnovers in the last seconds of the St. John’s-Rutgers game have voluntarily withdrawn from the remainder of the Big East tournament. Well, it’s not like they were doing anything anyway.

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The Dalai Lama says he’s retiring. Responded Brett Favre “The first time is the hardest.”

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Charlie Sheen thinks Rob Lowe would be a good replacement for him on “Two and a Half Men.” On the other hand, Muammar Qaddafi might soon be available.

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David Brooks may have ignited a controversy by saying of Newt Gingrich “I wouldn’t let that guy run a 7-11, let alone the country.”  Brooks has already had a angry demand for an immediate apology, from 7-11.

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AOL announced it will slash 900 jobs worldwide, or nearly 20 percent of its work force. This is shocking news, AOL still HAS a work force?
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Huffington Post usually runs banner headlines on major corporate layoffs. So I’m sure it must be an oversight that they don’t have such a headline on AOL laying off 20 percent of its staff.

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And they said it couldn’t be done. Tonight the Miami Heat had most of America rooting for…the Lakers!?

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Ohio State officials, in a letter to the NCAA, said that they originally considered a stronger punishment for football coach Jim Tressel than just missing the Buckeyes’ first two games. But that might have violated the most important of the school’s rules – “Thou shalt win.”

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Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

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Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

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Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

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Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

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Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

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Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

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A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

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Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

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 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”

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No warming trend for these Heat.

March 9, 2011

The Miami Heat lost their FIFTH game in a row tonight, 105-96 to the Portland Traiiblazers.. Even without a punchline, I just like writing it.

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What do you call five Heat losses in a row?  A good start.

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So will the theme song for this year’s Miami team in the NBA playoffs be “The Heat is Gone?”

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Starbucks is celebrating their 40th anniversary. What they are really celebrating these days, however, is that gas prices are making their coffee prices almost look reasonable.

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Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel will be fined $250k and suspended for the first two games of the season for ignoring the fact his players were selling memorabilia. The first two games of the 2011 for the Buckeyes are against Akron and Toledo. So who is this OSU athletic director and when did he transfer from the SEC ?  (Or USC.)

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Buckeyes’ coach Jim Tressel apparently ignored the fact that his star players were selling memorabilia, because he “wanted to keep the team together.” And of course he was following OSU’s version of the honor code: “Beat Michigan.”

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Texas Tech let Bobby Knight’s son Pat go as head coach after three seasons. Unfortunately it turns out he couldn’t hold a chair to his father.

(or as Alex Kaseberg says “The chair didn’t fall far from the tree.”)

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Mike Huckabee says of the controversy around last week’s other incendiary comments  “Well, I can’t be both. I can’t be the dumbest guy in the room and the smartest guy in the room at the same time.”

Uh, Mike, no one is accusing you of the latter.

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Mike Huckabee’s latest defense over his most recent controversy is that he “didn’t bring Natalie Portman up at all,” suggesting that radio host Michael Medved was the one who dragged Portman into the discussion. You have to love it. Huckabee, of course, is running on a platform of personal responsibility.

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Tuesday was Mardi Gras.  Now Mardi Gras translates literally  to “Fat Tuesday.” Which means the day has really transplanted Thanksgiving as the most American of holidays

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for Canadian readers:  (or anyone interested in politics north of the border.)

At least four Canadian government departments have reported that they received a directive late last year that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “Harper Government.” This is why many Canadians are beginning to believe that God has a Stephen Harper complex.

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Tears of a clown?

March 7, 2011

Wonder which P.A. announcer will be the first to play that when the Miami Heat come to town.  (Some Heat players reportedly cried after their loss today to the Chicago Bulls.)

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Four losses in a row for the Miami Heat. Looks like as far as the NBA finals, Lebron might be taking his talents to the ESPN broadcast booth as an analyst.

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And the Heat may not dethrone the Lakers as the NBA champions.  But they have done a solid job of replacing Kobe and company as the most hated team in America.

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A recent Sport Illustrated study found that out of 2837 players on last year’s preseason top 25 college football teams, 204 had criminal records. Besides the obvious public relations issues, for the NFL, don’t all these arrests jeopardize these young men’s amateur status?

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One thing about all these conference championship games. :  Should you really be able to raise the banner next year when all your one-and-done stars aren’t around to see it?

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The new fantasy romance “Beauty” grossed over $10 million this weekend, with an audience that was 78 percent female.    Of the remaining 22 percent, wonder if even 78 total tickets were sold to straight men?

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Costco has started selling wedding dresses at a steep discount.   Presumably in multi-packs that are selling exceptionally well in Utah.

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And Larry King heard this and immediately emailed Costco management to say -“What took you so long?”

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Ah billionaires. At a sports conference someome asked new Warriors owner Joe Lacob a question about bloggers. To which he allegedly answered “They are not real fans, because they don’t have season tickets.” Surprised he didn’t add a criticism about the cake he assumes they are eating too.

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John McCain said Sunday that iPads and iPhones are “built in the United States of America.” And up in Alaska Sarah Palin reportedly chortled “Hah, this time I’m not the stupid one. But quick, someone tell me where they do build the darned things.”

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Best wishes (seriously) to Phil Collins, who is quitting the music business to focus on his health.

On a less serious note, countless music fans are sending their own wishes to Celine Dion, saying “Congratulations. Now don’t you want to enjoy some time off to take care of your twin babies?”

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Sports without borders:

March 5, 2011

The Toronto Raptors were swept by the New Jersey Nets in London this weekend, – Which means the Raptors can now potentially lay claim to a new title – the worst NBA team in three countries AND two continents.

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On Saturday, The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally at the Capitol urging Texans to secede from the United States. Finally, an idea that both Californians and Texans can agree upon.

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If Texas secedes, how long until New Mexico, Oklahoma,  Arkansas and Louisiana put up border fences?

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The San Antonio Spurs crushed the Heat last night 125-95. Maybe it’s time to start referring to Lebron and company as the Miami Not-So-Hot.

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Britney Spears is the latest to say now that she has “nothing to say” about her past. Wonder if she, Cam Newton and others have ever heard that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Mitt Romney is now decrying Obamacare when the plan is very similar to what Romney himself did in Massachusetts. Well, at least this proves one thing – the Republican “Do as I say not as I do” mantra doesn’t just apply to morality and sex.

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In the does this really need a punchline department, this quote from Sarah Palin:

“See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.”

(a punchline, no, a translator, possibly.)

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We are now one week from NCAA  basketball’s “Selection Sunday.”    Translation, there are five productive working days left  in the month of March.

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Inspired by a comment from Augie:  There’s a new way to describe being hot and/or nervous this year.

“Sweating like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Kristie Alley’s DWTS partner), waiting to find out if the week’s routine involves lifts.

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Post Friday follies.

March 5, 2011

Keith Richard’s 25 year old daughter, Theodora, was  arrested by New York  police for allegedly scrawling graffiti on the wall of a Catholic nunner.  Theodora also allegedly was in possession of marijuana and illegal painkillers.  Well, looks like the apple hasn’t staggered far from the tree.

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If the NFL and the players association keep extending their deadline maybe they can extend it all the way through next season?

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Who knew that all it might take to cure the Cavaliers would be playing the Lakers and the Knicks?

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There are rumors Barry Zito’s job is in jeopardy for the San Francisco Giants. As despite the $126 million the team is paying him, Zito couldn’t get that ONE big win last fall. Well, if the Giants release him rumor has it Barry’s been offered a job as the next campaign manager for Meg Whitman.

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Friday was is “National Grammar Day.” And Sarah Palin heard this and responded “Yeah, but let’s not forget Grammpa.”

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Mike Huckabee is now denying criticizing Natalie Portman, although he is on record as calling her pregnancy “troubling” and suggested it might “glorify and glamorize” the idea of having children outside of marriage. Apparently the Creationist not only doesn’t believe in science, he’s not too up on the concept of radio replay either.

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A $425 million NASA rocket fell into the ocean after liftoff this morning, and may not be recoverable. It was the fastest most expensive crash landing since Charlie Sheen’s.

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Friday was also the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s first inaugural speech. While not his most famous, attendees reported the speech was excellent. In fact, it inspired a young John McCain to go into politics

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Conservatives seem endlessly focused on possible foreign influences on President Obama’s upbringing. But why don’t any of them want to discuss, that as far as influences ago, as a scholarship student at  the private Punahou School in Hawaii, a young Barack spent most of this time amongst the most privileged and upper-class young people in Hawaii.   

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Speaker of the House Speaker John Boehner said Friday the House may go to court to defend the federal law against gay marriage. Wait a minute, what happened to abortion being the most important issue facing this country? Or healthcare? Or heaven forbid, the economy?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Shortly after coaching Lipan High school’s women’s basketball team to a regional semifinal victory last Friday, Amber Branson gave birth to daughter Leslie—-and about 15 hours later, she was back on the bench guiding the Lady Indians to another win.So, unlike the NFL and the Players Union, nice to know someone can overcome labor difficulties”

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Dancing around reality?

March 4, 2011

 Mike Huckabee slammed Natalie Portman for her ‘troubling” pregnancy, saying “I think it gives a distorted image. It’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children.” Apparently single mothers should avoid the Oscars and stay on “Dancing with the Stars” where they belong.

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And let’s be real here –  Would Huckabee have preferred Portman had an abortion? 

The  real crime apparently, was her decision to have sex.

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Just a thought: If BYU player Brandon Davies marries his pregnant girlfriend before March Madness, does he get reinstated for the tournament?

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The investigation into former U.S. Senator John Edwards’ affair with Rielle Hunter has apparently found voicemails that allegedly provide evidence of his involvement in the cover-up effort. Jeez. Some thought we might be getting another President Kennedy, now it looks like we also could have had another President Nixon.

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The Chicago Cubs may have set a record for the fastest clubhouse brawl, as two players got into it only four days after the start of Spring Training games. Even more surprising, Carlos Zambrano was not involved.

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More than 50,000 2009-10 model year Mazda 6 cars are being recalled to fix an unusual problem. Mazda says a spider could weave a web in a vent connected to the fuel tank system and thus clog up the tank’s ventilation. In related news, PETA is protesting Mazda’s destruction of spider habitats.

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Brandon Davies, suspended from the BYU basketball team, had signed the school’s honor code that required players to live “a chaste and virtuous life, be honest, abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea and coffee.” So does BYU have honor code police stationed at Starbucks?

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Donald Trump is considering a run for President. But he may have a big problem right from the start: That furry thing that lives on his head was definitely not born in the USA.

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For the second time this year,  the Miami Heat have blown more than a 20 point lead at home,  losing tonight to the Orlando Magic 99-96.

“What a shame” said absolutely no one outside of South Florida.

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From T.C.  :

Detroit Tigers Miguel Cabrera officially got his first hit at spring training. It was a line shot double. Unofficially, his first shot here was actually a triple

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Herding cats.

March 3, 2011

 Tea  Party founder Judson Phillips is already saying that the party should make it a goal to defeat Speaker of the House John Boehner in the Republican primary, because Boehner is “only” calling for $61 billion in spending cuts, instead of the promised $100 billion. 

And somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is reading this story and giggling.

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Actually, if Pelosi and Boehner end up agreeing on anything after their terms are up, it will be that after dealing with members of their own parties, herding cats will seem like a nice retirement option.

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BYU star sophomore Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team indefnitely for getting his girlfriend pregnant. Well, that should silence all the doubters who wondered if Davies was NBA ready.

(Although as a friend pointed out, had he just married the gal in high school, no one would care how many kids he had.)

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Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira has ended his relationship with longtime agent Scott Boras. So Teixeira clearly feels there are more important things in life than money. No word on when Yankees management plans to schedule him for a mental health test.

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How bad is it getting for Charlie Sheen? A Los Angeles judge ordered late Tuesday that the actor’s twin nearly two-year old boys be removed from his Los Angeles home. Apparently the judge felt they needed to be with a more responsible adult, like Britney Spears.

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As the Republican party rushes headlong to the extreme right, it’s becoming increasing clear that even George Bush, Sr, couldn’t get the GOP presidential nomination these days… Scary.

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Not to say Dancing with the Stars was scraping the bottom of the barrel for this season – but some of these “Stars” almost make Bristol Palin look accomplished.

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 A bill passed in Texas would mean anyone who “intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly” hires an illegal immigrant could face up to 2 years in jail and a $10,000 fine. With one exception – anyone hiring for such an immigrant for  “labor or other work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence.”

 Translation, y’all don’t expect us to mow our own lawns, clean our own homes or raise our own kids, do y’all?”

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From new commenter  P. Coberly

Toyota is claiming that 80% of their vehicles sold in the last 20 years are still on the road. Do you think that would be the case if their accelerators were not stuck?

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Chronic losers.

March 2, 2011

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

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Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

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Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

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Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

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The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

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Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

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Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

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The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

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The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

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What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

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Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

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Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

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U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

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(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.

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Reality and unreality.

March 1, 2011

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

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Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

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Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

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I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

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Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

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Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

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The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

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If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

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All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

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Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

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from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.

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Oscars and other statues

February 28, 2011

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

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On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

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Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

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“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

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Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

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Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

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Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

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One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

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Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

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Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

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Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

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The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

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But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

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Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

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President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

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Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

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Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

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Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

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In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

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Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

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British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

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Lockouts, and shutdowns and falls, oh my.

February 26, 2011

In a Washington Post op-ed about the possible NFL lockout, Senator Jay Rockefeller wrote that he’d like to see owners open their financial books to a neutral third party so that the players can see they are acting in good faith. Awesome. A trillionaire, lecturing billionaires, on how to deal with millionaires….

Meanwhile, $20 beers at the stadium anyone?

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Anne Hathaway said she won’t insult her fellow actors, James Franco says that Ricky Gervais’s jokes weren’t funny. Translation, no need to fasten your seatbelts for the Oscars, it’s going to be a boring night.

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Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, 20, apparently is still working on finding sponsors for his Sprint Cup and Nationwide cars. Well, makes sense. He’s too young to test-drive a car by himself, too young to drink, and barely old enough to shave.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner in 1995: When Bill Clinton played a round of golf just before the government shutdown he complained “Now is the time, not to play golf as the president did yesterday, now is the time to act.” John Boehner in 2011: went on a fundraising trip this week to Florida, and played a round of golf in Sarasota.

This year on American Idol, fans will be able to vote on Facebook. Up to a maximum of 50 votes per person. “Pikers”, responded voters in Chicago.

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George Clooney said this week that he has “known” (euphemism mine) too many women ever to run for office.  Okay, was this man asleep or what during the Bill Clinton years?

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Former President George W. Bush cancelled his keystone speeche at a Young President’s Organization event this weekend in Denver, because he said he didn’t want to be on the same program with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Interesting. Wonder who told W. who Assange is?

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Several of the Detroit Pistons missed a practice shoot-around as a protest against their coach. Well, considering their 21-38 record, doesn’t sound like practice has been doing the team much good anyway.

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Glenn Beck apologized for remarks he made on his radio show comparing Reformed rabbis to Islamic terrorists, saying “I was wrong on this. In this case I didn’t do enough homework.” This came as a shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Beck ever did ANY homework..

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Cavaliers 115, Knicks 109.  So Friday night Carmelo Anthony stars in the latest episode of “Karma’s a bitch.”

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