Archive for May 2010

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?

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Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

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The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?

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Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

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John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”

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Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

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Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.

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Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”

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from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

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And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

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Ballot time?

May 27, 2010

And a question. Did they count American Idol votes in Florida?

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Art Linkletter died today at the age of 97. Shocking news to many Americans who didn’t realize he was still alive.

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At Linkletter’s funeral, there are no long speeches planned, but attendees are urged to say “the darndest things.”

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British Petroleum refers to their latest operation to try to stop their gushing oil spill as “top kill.’ Which actually might be a good term to describe what millions of Americans want to do with BP executives.

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The Orlando Magic not only have won the last two games of the NBA Eastern Conference finals, they have looked good doing it. So while the Celtics are still leading 3-2, there is talk they could actually lose this thing. Which would be the biggest collapse in Boston sports history… well, since last week anyway.
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A cleaning crew at Philadelphia airport at 4am found a women passenger still asleep on a United Express regional jet. The cabin crew apparently failed to notice her when the plane landed around midnight. This is beyond shocking – someone can actually sleep on one of those little planes?

(A couple of my friends who fly regularly have added “they actually CLEAN those planes?”)

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The University of Kansas is investigating a ticket scalping scheme whereby over $1 million of tickets in the last five years were sold inappropriately by athletic department employees. This would never happen at Stanford – in the past five years they haven’t sold $1 million in tickets.

Although at USC $1 million might be the budget for paying football and basketball players for their summer jobs.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers are suing comedian Jon Lovitz. It’s for non-payment of season tickets. (Which the team resold.) Other comedians around the country were glad to find out the reason – because if joking about a baseball team becomes a lawsuit worthy offense, the Cubs could bankrupt every joke writer in America.

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Joe Biden said today that he did NOT serve in Vietnam, and joked about not making a “Blumenthal mistake.” Meanwhile in Idaho, Vaughn Ward lost his primary race after a plagiarized speech many are calling a “Biden mistake.”

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The University of Michigan is hoping their self-imposed sanctions will keep the NCAA from imposing harsher sanctions on their football program. Besides, with an 8-16 record over the past two years, it’s like suspending a .200 hitter for performance-enhancing drugs.

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The San Francisco Giants have become one of the worst hitting teams in baseball over the last month, and now their ace, Tim Lincecum, has been rocked in two straight starts. The team’s motto this year, (which refers to their ballpark) “There’s magic inside.”

Maybe it’s time to see what can be done about taking the spell off.

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Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

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The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

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Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

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Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

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Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

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Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

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But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

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Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

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Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

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Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

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The Giants offense and other jokes.

May 25, 2010

Anyone else think that just MAYBE the Giants are carrying this effort to prove their team doesn’t take PED’s in the post-Bonds era just a little too far?

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Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat.

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New York is currently the favorite for hosting the 2014 Super Bowl. City residents are thrilled -tickets are likely to cost less than a Yankees home game.

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Orlando pulled out an overtime win against Boston to avoid being swept in the NBA Eastern Conference finals. So at least the team avoided a Magic performance that was almost as dismal as the last show of Siegfried and Roy.

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Just how painful has watching the Celtics-Magic matchup been for Orlando fans? Most of them said, given a choice, they might actually wish instead to be stuck on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

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Jennifer Hudson is featured on the cover of the latest issue of People Magazine showing off her new shape. The singer-actress has dropped from a size 16 to a 6. Some say it’s the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut Jamarcus Russell.

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U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin said that Tiger Woods would not be an “automatic” pick for the team. That’s odd, I thought what Tiger proved he did best this past year was “Ryder.”

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The Phoenix Suns’ Steve Nash, 36, who’s already played one game with an eye swollen shut, will now have surgery to repair a broken nose he suffered in game three against the Los AngelesLakers.

Two questions: Who’d a thunk the toughest player on the court would be an old white guy? And with that attitude, how did the Canadian Nash not end up playing hockey?

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My friend Neil Berliner wrote this one: “Lance Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Ridiculous; in the past 15 years, the guy hasn’t had a single home run.”

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When asked about religion this conservative politician responded “I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line.” And he added “my politics is not faith-driven.” In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U.S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary.
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Lost without Lost?

May 24, 2010

Count me as one of the few Americans who has never watched LOST. (Or maybe I did – watched game four when the Sharks got swept out of the NHL playoffs.)

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Rough day for the San Jose Sharks, losing 3-2 after having a 2-0 lead and being eliminated from the playoffs. On the brighter side, they scored more today than the Giants have all weekend. (True, one run in three games against the As)

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And realistically, down 3-0 and playing on their opponents home ice? Lets just say the Sharks probably had less of a chance for a happy ending than Jack Bauer on tonight’s final episode of 24.

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NBA Update – Rumors of an early Suns-set have been greatly exaggerated.

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Actually, the Suns may be the last, best, educated team in the league. Steve Nash, graduate of the University of Santa Clara (good small private school near San Jose,), Grant Hill, graduate of Duke, Channing Frye, graduate of Arizona, Robin Lopez, two years at Stanford, Jason Richardson, two years at Michigan State. (And yeah, Amar’e Stoudemire, the one straight-from-high-school guy on the team.)

But how long until the real “college veterans” on most NBA teams are one-and-dones?

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Regarding those newly revised textbooks in Texas: Anyone seriously think the revisionists are done weeding out the historical figures they don’t like? What’s next – a search for LBJ’s’ birth certificate?

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Drew Storen, less than a year removed from pitching for Stanford, got not only his first major league win this week, but a hit in his first at bat. Damn shame he didnt get drafted by the Giants. He could bat cleanup.

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At this point the Giants lineup is so punchless, management is thinking of trying to bring in a temporary professional soccer tenant. So at least the home fans could see some scoring.

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The Wall Street Journal ran a survey saying that the five pitchers in major league baseball who have lost the most velocity on their fastball (still less than two miles an hour), have seen their ERA go up more than 2 runs a game.

Right, tell that to Tim Wakefield, who just threw 8 shutout innings against the Phillies, while being clocked in the mid 60s.

The 43 year old Wakefield may hold several unusual distinctions by the time he finally retires. Not least of which might be being the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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Dorothy Kamenshek has died at the age of 84. She was a star in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and helped inspire the Geena Davis character in the movie “A League of Their Own.” Dorothy was an amazing player; rumor has it she once even got a hit off Jamie Moyer.

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Sarah Palin accused Rachel Maddow of being “prejudiced” when she interviewed Rand Paul. Okay, here’s an idea – why doesn’t Palin herself interview Paul? I think viewers from across the political spectrum would tune in to watch that!

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Not the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

May 23, 2010

Three games into the Eastern Conference NBA finals, maybe it’s time to rename them the “Orlando Tragic.”

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Magic fans haven’t seen anything this bad since the movie remake of “Bewitched.”

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Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to schedule the NBA playoffs during sweeps week?

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The San Francisco Giants, losers of another 1-0 game today, have just scheduled Sir Paul McCartney for a concert at A T and T Park right before the All-Star Break. It might be the only time this year San Francisco fans can count on seeing some hits.

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Retired quarterback Kurt Warner is attempting to quash rumors of a comeback by saying – “When I made this decision, it was a final decision.” Responded Brett Favre – “What’s a final decision?”

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Kentucky Republican Senate primary winner Rand Paul has said of the BP spill and the latest mining accident deaths “sometimes accidents happen.” Tell us about it, said many of the national GOP establishment.

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A 13 year old boy became the youngest person to ever climb Everest. He also became the first to send 1000 text messages from the summit and to post it as his Facebook status.

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Dice-K almost threw a no-hitter for the Red Sox against the Phillies, until Juan Castro hit a bloop single just out of shortstop Marco Scutaro ‘s reach.

Scutaro, who fell down lunging for the ball, was jokingly quoted as saying “I know the whole country of Japan hates me. Sorry, sorry. My bad.” Well, maybe not all of Japan. But most of Boston.

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Brett Favre underwent successful ankle surgery in Florida yesterday. The operation was performed by a top orthopedic surgeon with consulting help from a Field museum paleontologist.

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Something most Democrats and some Republicans can actually agree on…. we would love to see a Sarah Palin-Rand Paul GOP ticket in the 2012 presidential election

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Happy Birthday Pac Man!

May 22, 2010

The arcade game Pac Man turns 30 on Saturday. Video game players younger than 35 say “What’s Pac Man?” Players under 25 say “What’s an arcade?”

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Republican Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul, who has criticized the Civil Rights Act, and defended BP, is now complaining- “When does my honeymoon period start? I had a big victory.” And some say President Obama is a hopeless dreamer.

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Watching Rand Paul a couple questions come to mind? Can SNL hire a look-alike comic for him by September. And as much as he wants to war on Washington, DC, can he see it from his house?

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A 13-year-old American boy became the youngest climber to reach the top of Mount Everest on Saturday And presumably the first to send about 300 texts from the summit and post it on his “Facebook” status.

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Sad thought for cycling. Floyd Landis may be a nasty snitch who is coming forward for the wrong reasons. But you could say the same thing about Jose Canesco.

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Cycling, baseball and football all have PED scandals, the NBA is dealing with allegations of game fixing, college sports are facing both academic and financial scandals. Who knew, the most honest sport of all might turn out to be pro-wrestling?

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To paraphase Woody Allen: A Shark is like a relationship, it either has to move forward or it dies. And what Sharks fans may have here for 2010 is a dead relationship.

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Richard Blumenthal keeps trying to explain his comments about serving in Vietnam. But he’s not making things much better. For example, today he tried to blame his inaccurate statements on post-traumatic stress syndrome from when he faced sniper fire with Hillary Clinton.

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Blumenthal is getting so good at telling increasingly implausible stories with a straight face, if he doesn’t get elected to the Senate, there’s a job waiting for him in the public relations department of BP.

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For all those pessimists who love to say, “Cheer up, it can only get worse.” Remember last month when the company most known for a unstoppable disaster was Toyota?

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At this point the only thing slimier than the oil washing ashore on Gulf Coast beaches is BP’s “we didn’t do anything wrong stance.”

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Double trouble?

May 21, 2010

KFC originally envisioned the “Double Down” as a temporary promotion. But the fast food chain said the sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken for a bun has become so popular that they will keep selling it indefinitely. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, no one ever went broke underestimating the taste for greasy, fattening foods of the American public.

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Tesla Motors and Toyota have announced a partnership to build electric cars in California. Does this mean Tesla will change their motto to “Ain’t no stopping us now?”

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Bizarre travel thought of the day. You cannot use cash to buy a beer onboard most airlines these days, but you can use cash to buy a one way ticket to Pakistan.

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Despite spending $68 million of her own money in the California GOP gubernatorial primary (so far), Meg Whitman has seen her 50 point lead in the polls over Steve Poizner drop to single digits. The former Ebay executive is particularly frustrated that the election didn’t just have a “Buy-it-now” button.

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You have to love it though, Poizner has spent $28 million of his own money. And he is getting traction out of accusing Whitman, who has spent $60 million of her own money, of buying the election.

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And this is all just to run as the GOP candidate for governor of a state in the midst of a huge budget crisis with no apparent way out. Haven’t seen rich people waste so much money on winning such a dubious prize since the last America’s Cup.

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Latest quote from Richard Blumenthal. “I wore the uniform” during Vietnam. Is he now saying he worked at McDonalds?

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At this point Blumenthal may own the distinction of being the U.S. politician who has most embarrassed himself while still keeping his pants zipped.

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Paul McCartney is playing at San Francisco’s A T and T Park in July. Not to say Sir Paul is getting old, but the Giants tried to sign him to play the outfield.

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Kevin Costner has funded a science team that has developed an “oil extracter.” And BP may be able to use the device to clean up their spill in the Gulf. Well, who better to be an expert on toxic messes than the man who made “Waterworld?”

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From Bill Littlejohn – Brett Favre told the Southern Mississippi University baseball team that if they make it to the College World Series, he’ll play for one more year. If they don’t make it to the World Series, he’ll play two more. Or maybe three, or maybe two…

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NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

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The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

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So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

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Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

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Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

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PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

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The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.
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Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.
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BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

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Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.
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A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..

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How the mighty are falling.

May 19, 2010

Quarterback Daunte Culpepper is on the verge of going from the NFL’s Detroit Lions to the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions. Well, after spending last season in Detroit, it’s not that big of a step down.

My friend Kevin Terpsta says, probably correctly, he’ll be playing for the best team in Northern California.

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In the NHL, well it took until mid-May, but the San Jose Sharks are now in playoff form.

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Freddie Sanchez, who has spent more time on the disabled list than he has played since he got traded to the San Francisco Giants, wants a little more time before being activated to the major league roster. Guess Freddie wants to be sure he is absolutely ready to be injured in 2010.

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CBS is cancelling their long-running police show “Cold Case.” Which means the only remaining “Cold Case” left on television will be when “Meet the Press” features Hillary Clinton.

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The Golden State Warriors, slotted to pick fourth, fell to sixth in the NBA draft. Not that it matters considering the team’s past luck with their picks. Normally most Northern Californians who can remember such awful luck in the draft spent time in Canada.

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The University of California – Berkeley – is now starting up a Quidditch team. Quidditch? These days most Northern Californians are having a hard enough time pretending they understand hockey.

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The latest Robin Hood movie is having a disappointing run at the box office. But really, how new things can you add to the legend of the man who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor? Rumor has it in this version his detractors claim he was really born in Kenya.

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You REALLY cannot make this stuff up department: Indiana Congressman Mark Souder resigned after admitting he had sex with a part-time female staffer. Apparently, besides their affair, the woman had worked with Souder to produce an abstinence video.

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Republican party leaders were dismayed to hear of Souder’s transgressions, on the other hand they were intensely relieved that it was a FEMALE staffer.

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Wonder if Souder found the staffer on Rentgirl.com

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On the other side of the aisle, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, a former Marine Corps Reservists, now claims it was just a matter of misplaced words when he said he served in Vietnam he didn’t really mean he was “in” Vietnam. He claimed he just mean that he served his country.

Surprised he didnt say “It depends on what the definition of “in” is.

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Blumenthal did apparently work on some “Toys for Tots” drives. And to be fair, it was probably easy for him to confuse a few of those years with the Cabbage Patch Kids craze with actual hand-to-hand combat.

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So Blumenthal said he served during Vietnam but he didnt mean he was in Vietnam. But words matter, there’s just a little bit of difference between Tiger Woods’ being served by a waitress, and being in a waitress.

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And yeah, these scandals aren’t as serious as terrorism (and they sure provide better comic material.) But how long until some candidate who actually honors his/her marriage vows says they will help make Washington a “No Open Fly” zone?

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$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

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Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

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Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

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Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

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Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

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The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

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New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

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A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

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USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

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A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

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commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

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In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

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Tubing the Gulf…

May 17, 2010

BP has hooked up a mile-long tube that so far is successfully sucking up some of the oil spill in the gulf. They refer to the tube as the “Monica Lewinsky” pipeline.

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Here’s a scary question? What’s going on with BP’s OTHER wells? The ones we haven’t heard about. Of course, I’m sure the company would tell you this was an isolated incident and there’s no chance of anything at their other drilling sites going wrong, wrong, wrong…..

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Well, the Preakness stakes is over, and Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver finished a disappointing eighth. But in an example of why horse racing is an under-rated sport, Super Saver was quiet in defeat, not blaming the track, his stable-mates, the officials, etc…

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Reader Gary Morton pointed out that no joke series about humans and Neanderthals mating would be complete without Ben Roethlisberger somewhere in the punchline. Well, actually, isn’t he an example of a Neatherthal perhaps trying unsuccessfully to mate with humans?

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With all these athletes testing positive for female fertility drugs, isn’t it about time for one of them to endorse a home pregnancy test?

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Many fans in the Philadelphia area have jumped on the Flyers bandwagon. Some of them are so excited they may actually watch a game.

And note to new fans who want to talk about the Flyers’ incredibly impressive 6-0 thrashing of the Montreal Canadiens. Yes, it was a great performance, but no missed extra points were involved.

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Cubs manager Lou Piniella says he is frustrated with his teams’s record, and expects his Chicago Cubs to live up to their reputations and salaries. I don’t know about salaries, but Lou, have you realized, the Cubs ARE living up to their reputation?.

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From Bill Littlejohn: On a visit to Buffalo, President Obama was greeted with a billboard reading “I need a freakin’ job. Yes, times are getting desperate for Terrell Owens.

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commie pinko time:

Sarah Palin’s latest is to tell President Obama to “secure our borders.” While we’re at it, maybe Canada could create a “no-fly” zone for crazy people attempting to fly over their country from anywhere up north…like say, Alaska?

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Sarah Palin also appeared with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and said “We are all Arizonans.”

Well those of us who with are light-skinned with Causcasian features, and no discernable accent anyway.

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Mispelled signs (yes, that’s a joke)

May 16, 2010

Two misspelled signs saying “YEILD TO BIKES” were removed from a street in Sparks, Nevada, after Keith Olbermann made fun of them on his show. Queried former president George W. Bush, “so what does Olbermann have against bikes?”

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Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were on SNL tonight. Not to say the band is getting old, but on their bus they have pin-up posters of Betty White.

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Alec Baldwin was the SNL host. Maybe in another 30 years he might be as funny as Betty White.
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NRA leaders have now said they believe people on the “No Fly” list should be able to buy guns in the U.S. Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

As long as they don’t try to show up at the airport with four ounce shampoo bottles.

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Nick Johnson, the Yankees’ designated hitter, may need surgery on his wrist and could be out up to two months. For small-market teams this could be a disaster, but in New York the Yankees deal with this like wealthy women do when they break a heel on a shoe – let’s go shopping!

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Another reason to love Steve Nash. After hearing he was accused by Lakers coach Phil Jackson of travelling, the ageless Suns star responded – “I’ve never heard anyone accuse me of carrying it. I mean, the best coach in the league Gregg Popovich [San Antonio Spurs] didn’t have a problem with it last week.”

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Actually Phil Jackson was the coach of the Bulls before the Lakers. Well, if anyone should know about superstars that never get called for travelling.

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Taco Bell is offering meals for only $2. Less than the price of a Happy Meal. Of course, considering that customers choosing the 5 Layer Burrito and regular soda plus Doritos as their option will be getting about 1000 calories out of the deal, McDonalds is looking like a pretty healthy option.

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There is a new Facebook group “I am so old I actually dialed using a rotary phone.” How about another version – “I am so middle-aged I actually remember what a rotary phone is?”

Or, “I am so old I remember when the only options for watching a television show were watching it live, or taking a chance on a VCR.” (Just as well there are many options these days, because the only people young enough to consistently know how to program a VCR, have moved on to other methods.

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Real women don’t play softball?

May 15, 2010

The New York Post ran a picture of Elena Kagan suggesting she was a lesbian because she played softball.

Eric Brynes just walked away from Major League Baseball to play softball for the Dutch Goose (a Northern California bar) team. Guess that means HE might be a lesbian?

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California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman’s latest television ad says “I strongly oppose Barbara Boxer and I am working hard to defeat her.” Wow. Maybe if Meg had voted more often she might remember that potential Governors run against other potential Governors in November, not Senators.

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Everything is warm and fuzzy now with Britain’s new coalition government, where Conservative David Cameron has appointed Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg as “Deputy Prime Minister.” Wait until Clegg realizes that new title means almost as much responsibility as being U.S. vice president.

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Donovan McNabb, in an interview with a Philadelphia sports radio station after being traded to Washington, that “more than anything,” he apologized to Eagles fans for not bringing them a Super Bowl championship.

Well, that shouldn’t be as much of a problem this year, as for Redskins’ fans in the era of Dan Snyder, the first question would be “what’s a Super Bowl?”

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There is some new Facebook group titled “I am so old I have actually dialed a rotary phone.” What about a group simply saying “I am so old I actually know what a rotary phone WAS?”
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After scoring four runs in three games against the San Diego Padres, the San Francisco Giants beat Houston tonight 8-2.

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Proving one good way to at least temporarily get out of a team-wide hitting slump? Play the Houston Astros.

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And actually, for as great as the Giants’ pitching has been, the Padres’ pitching staff actually owns better numbers this year.

But to be fair, San Francisco’s pitchers are at a major disadvantage as far as statistics – they don’t get to face their own lineup.

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One of my longest term friends in the travel industry, Suzanne Horning, forwarded this anti-terrorism idea to me. Author unknown.

A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth passengers step into that doesn’t X-ray anyone, but simply detonates any explosive devices.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

And an added benefit, for passengers in the airport terminal who hear a muffled explosion, there could be one more spot open on the standby list.

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Mistakes by the lake.

May 14, 2010

Not to say Lebron played like a quitter in the Cavaliers series against the Celtics. But in truth, he looked less like a King and more like a Governor of Alaska.

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So let’s see, Lebron James, who was actually booed in Cleveland for his performance, is thinking of going to the New York Knicks? Yeah, now there’s a market where lousy play will certainly be dealt with in a kindler, gentler manner.

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ESPN announcers said midway through the fourth quarter that Boston was “smelling victory.” Cleveland was smelling like the Cuyahoga River when it caught on fire.

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How bad did the Cavaliers look? Even Ken Griffey, Jr, is saying “Hey, at least I’m not in the lineup when I fall asleep.”

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How bad has the San Francisco Giants lineup looked lately? There’s more scoring when a bunch of guys from a video game convention hit the singles bars.

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And San Francisco Giants fans are getting frustrated. At this point you can count on seeing more hits watching the NBC primetime lineup.

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The defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins had a 2-1 and then a 3-2 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens, who were the worst team to make it into the NHL playoffs. And the Penguins ended up losing, with the final game a 5-2 loss at home. Wow. Normally embarrassing Pittsburgh is the job of the Pirates and Ben Roethlisberger.

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Some are calling for a boycott of the Lakers-Suns games played in Phoenix, due to Arizona’s new immigration law.

And in Utah, Jazz fans are saying “See, we didn’t choke, we were just early adherents to the boycott.”
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BP CEO Tony Hayward has admitted that regarding the oil spill “We made a few little mistakes early on.” Isn’t that like Tiger Woods admitting to a “little” adultery?

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And another combo joke effort with Jerry Perisho, who noted “A Japanese company has introduced a bra that allows women to grow rice in the cups of the garment. Or, in Heidi Montag’s case, watermelons.”

Meanwhile, BP has asked Pamela Anderson if she would donate a bra to help cap the oil leaks.

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Foreign affairs

May 13, 2010

Apparently in an upcoming book, France’s first lady Carla Bruni claims her sex life has suffered because her husband, President Nicolas Sarkozy, is too busy with his job to attend to her needs. In related news, Bill Clinton has offered to accompany Hillary on her next diplomatic mission to Paris.

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While I like President Obama, in some ways I miss the simple days of Bill Clinton’s presidency. The economy was great, the U.S. wasn’t at war, and the most devastating spill in the country was on a blue dress.

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After four playoff games againsts the Montreal Canadiens, the Pittsburgh Penguins looked like Stanley Cup Champions. After seven games they looked like the San Jose Sharks.

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Following the lead of Arizona, the state of Pennsylvania has declared war on immigrants. Specifically those from Canada
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This was the worst Penguin performance since Carla’s husband was run over by that Zamboni. (This joke will make sense to old “Cheers” fans only.)
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A Texas high school may have to forfeit their entire season, and a 22-year-old man is in jail, after he posed as a 16-year-old to play basketball. How do teachers tell if a kid might be older than he looks? One thought – if after having sex he drives himself home.
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Arizona’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting classes to be taught that are designed for any particular group. Which means members of U of A’s and ASU’s football teams will have to scramble to find a substitute for “underwater basketweaving.”

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So Lawrence Taylor’s current defense against rape charges with a 16 year old girl is that he simply “pleasured himself” while she was in the room. And Taylor’s wife then added that she knew her husband’s tastes regarding appearance and “activities”, and the teen “had nothing to offer him.”

Even Mark Sanford is going “TMI.”

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How bad is BP looking in this oil spill? Some children of oil company executives are now lying at school and saying their fathers are lawyers.

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To sleep, perchance to miss an at-bat?

May 12, 2010

A story, made the national media that Ken Griffey, Jr, had fallen asleep in the Seattle clubhouse in the late afternoon Saturday, and missed a pinch-hit opportunity, Today, Griffey, 40, claims the story is untrue, and that he was awake, available, etc, etc. In short, sounds like the “Whine of the Ancient Mariner.”

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Griffey claims he never naps in the clubhouse, at least since somebody stole his “blankee.”
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or

Ken Griffey, Jr., 40, is fending off reports that he took a nap in the late innings of a Saturday afternoon game last weekend and thus missed a pinch hit opportunity. Griffey says he NEVER naps in the late afternoon, otherwise he’d miss the Early Bird Special.

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Some players doubt Griffey’s story, others believe him. And no one would question Jr. in the S.F. Giants clubhouse; most of their offense has been asleep all year.
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So the AP is going to re-vote the NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award after Brian Cushing tested positive for PEDs. Let’s hope this doesn’t start a trend, or if it does, that the Major League Baseball MVP list at Cooperstown is written in erasable ink.

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The Cavaliers lost to Boston 102-88, in Cleveland. It was the most embarrassing beating at home since Elin took after Tiger with that nine-iron.

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History majors version of the above joke: Boston 102, Cleveland 88? Last time any Cavaliers looked this bad, King Charles I ended up getting beheaded.

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While the Big Ten has been talking about expansion, commissioner Jim Delany denied a rumor saying that conference officials Tuesday have already made offers to four schools. Possible translation – we’re still negotiating or they’ve turned us down.

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NASCAR opened their Hall of Fame Tuesday in Charlotte, N.C. Presumably the directions to get there involve nothing but left turns.

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David Cameron, 43, took over today as Prime Minister of Great Britain. Although Cameron is a conservative, President Obama congratulated him on the win. Actually, Barack, 49, is thrilled that some leader will actually consider him a “Senior Statesman.”

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Executives from three different oil companies spent the day at a Senate Hearing pointing fingers at each other for the BP oil rig spill. It was the biggest blame-game in Washington since the Capitals got bounced out of the NHL playoffs in the first round.

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from Bill Littlejohn: Mike Tyson says he is now a vegan. Which means he only nibbles on ears of corn.

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A Republican congressional candidate in Northern California, Brad Goehring, has run into controversy after posting this on his Facebook page: “I could issue hunting permits, I would officially declare today opening day for liberals. The season would extend to November 2 and have no limits on how many taken as we desperately need to ‘thin’ the herd.”

Of course, some of the complaints are from constituents who think what he wrote was awful and disgusting, and the others are upset because they don’t see why it shouldn’t be open season on liberals all year.

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Elena and the Supremes.

May 11, 2010

Commie pinko stuff first. But you have to love U.S. politics, where within a 24 hour news cycle a President’s Supreme Court pick can be attacked for being both too liberal AND too conservative.

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Regarding conservatives trying to “out” Elena Kagan as a lesbian in order to keep her off the Supreme Court – what evidence do they have? Did someone see her at a Republican fundraiser?

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Soome conservative groups are already mobilizing to fight Elena Kagan’s nomination because they think she is gay. These groups believe there is no place for gays on the Supreme Court; they should stay closeted in the Republican party where they belong.

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Carly Fiorina, one of the Republican Senate candidate in California, has indicated concern about “Ms. Kagan’s brief litigation experience, and lack of any judicial experience.”

So apparently in Fiorina’s world you need specific legal experience to sit on the Supreme Court, but a couple months advising a failed presidential campaign is sufficient political experience to be a Senator from California.

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The Republican National Committee is already questioning Elena Kagan’s “commitment to the Constitution? One question, if these folks are so committed to the Constitution, where were they when George W. Bush was shredding it?

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Okay, back to sports, etc.

The University of California football team will be playing their 2011 home games at A T and T Park. S.F. Giants management would have actually preferred to have a pro team as a temporary tenant instead of the Cal Bears, but the USC Trojans declined their offer.
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JetBlue was selling seats on some nonstop flights Tuesday and Wednesday for $10 each way. Now, for passengers who wanted those flights to actually take off there was a small additional charge.

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Dallas Braden, the Oakland A’s pitcher who criticized A-Rod for walking across his mound, will be on David Letterman Tuesday night with his “Top 10” list of ways to p*** off the Yankees’ slugger. Number 11? Get between him and any mirror.

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Tiger Woods swing coach, Hank Haney, has resigned. He said that recent events made it clear that Tiger was the last person who needed any help with his swinging.

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The Lakers-Jazz game started at 11pm east coast time. I guess the way Utah played in the first three games of the series, the networks knew game four might be unsuitable for small children.

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Woody Allen once said “Eighty percent of success is just showing up.” Guess someone forgot to tell the Heat, Jazz and Spurs.

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Phoenix, with their bilingual “Los Suns” jerseys, swept the Spurs decisively in four games. Now the Dodgers are considering changing their jerseys to read “The Angeles.”

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So when did the NBA playoffs turn into “Sweeps Week?”

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