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Dancing with the geek stars?

March 10, 2009

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is appearing on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

Microsoft founder Bill Gates was thinking of appearing as well, but he was sidelined by a virus.

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A-Rod’s surgery was successful. Doctors say he should be back to normal by midseason, and ready to choke again in the playoffs.

Tacky alert for joke to follow:

Police allege that Geno Hayes of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was stabbed in the neck by his girlfriend. They are holding the woman in custody while they decide whether to charge her with a crime, or send her on a blind date with Chris Brown?
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More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

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Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

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NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

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Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

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Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

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Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

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Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

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Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.
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Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

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Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

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Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

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Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

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AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

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NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

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Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

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Manny and A-Rod: Baseball’s Comedy stimulus package?

March 7, 2009

Whatever you think of Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez, they are a boon to struggling would-be joke writers still reeling from the departure of President Bush.

JetBlue has announced new “Manny Fan Fares” from Los Angeles to New York and Boston. The fare’s only $99 each way. But there’s a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage.

United Airlines, based in Chicago, is thinking of offering Cubs fan fares. The fares, of course, will be no good in October.
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The season hasn’t even started yet, and in New York, where their sky-high payroll has the team paying a luxury tax, they’re going to call A-Rod’s portion of it an “excess baggage fee.”

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Some pundits are already blaming Barack Obama for the economy, although he has barely been in office 40 days. Even Raiders owner Al Davis is saying “Show a little patience!”

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50-year-old Mark Martin is now the second-oldest pole winner in NASCAR history, after winning the top spot at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

So will the race be started – “Gentlemen start your engines, and you punks get out of his lane?

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Senate Idol?

March 6, 2009

It’s looking more and more like new Senator Roland Burris may follow in the footsteps of the Governor who appointed him, and be removed from office. Since this seems to happen a lot in Illinois, maybe it’s time for a change.

My suggestion, instead of a regular special election, what about “Senate Idol?’

For Senate Idol, everyone who thinks they qualify could meet with a bi-partisan panel composed of politicians who have not been indicted yet.

Then the top 10 choices could appear in a weekly show, televised on Fox, of course, since the network could use something different to get over their apoplexy over Obama. They would each have a few minutes to impress voters, in any way they liked – speeches, songs, presentations, whatever. And each week the candidate with the few number of votes could go home. Until one winner emerges.

Maybe President Obama could even come back to announce him or her!

(Of course, there would have to be a few tweaks, like a way to give legitimate voters an identification number so they could only vote once a week. Although there could be a separate non-binding national peoples’ choice vote… Winner would at least get an ego boost.)

At least a reality show would have transparency. And since they seem to do well in the ratings, all proceeds from the show could go to reducing the state deficit. With all due respect, how much worse could they do? And if the winner turned out to be a winner in Washington, maybe the concept could be expanded? California Idol, for example? To replace Arnold Schwarzenegger after his term is over? Speaking of another state where we could hardly do a lot worse. And Arnold could even host….

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Americans are eagerly anticipating the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, aka “March Madness.”

This year especially it will be good to see something go from 64 down to 1 that isn’t part of your 401k.

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And Manny Ramirez said after finally signing that $45 million contract that he is happy to be in Los Angeles. Anyone want to lay an over-under as to whether this lasts longer than Jason and Melissa?

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Manny also said he’s looking forward to performing for the fans. And considering Ramirez’s famous work ethic, it should suit him just fine to only need to perform from the third through the seventh innings.

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It’s not too late for goodbyes…

March 5, 2009

Regarding the soon to be ex-senator Roland Burris, preceded by ex-governor Rod Blagojevich, and other indicted former governors Daniel Walker, George Ryan, Otto Kerner, and William Stratton….

Why DONT they just auction off the Senate seat in Illinois to the highest bidder? Put the proceeds towards ballancing the state budget. You’d have transparency, Illinois could use the money, and it’s not like the voters were doing a good job picking leaders the old fashioned way.

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And speaking of goodbyes – the Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens. Should we be surprised? All over America companies are dumping toxic assets.”

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Today’s entry in the “You might need a life if” department:

You might need a life if you don’t live in Washington D.C. or Oklahoma City, and you watched tonight’s NBA game between the 14-47 Wizards and the 16-45 Thunder.

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So Manny Ramirez finally signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the same $45 million 2-year contract he spurned earlier this year.

What the difference between a $45 million contract you spurn and one you sign?? Apparently about 2500 points on the Dow.

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Time for some stupid cat jokes. (No comments please on that being redundant.)

The first from Bill Littlejohn:

“A Nebraska man reportedly stuffed his girlfriends’ cat into a bong.A South Carolina sheriff has issued arrest warrants for eight other neighborhood cats”

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Police charged him with animal abuse and claim that when they found removed the animal from the bong it was stoned. Apparently they said the cat was just lying around, staring into space, and ignored its name being called….

No word if they actually saw any signs of cat abnormal behavior.

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Although one sign might have been the cat gobbling up Krispy Kreme flavored kibble.
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The man claimed he had put the cat in the bong before and it had been no problem. Apparently he was using it to help taste-test new tuna-flavored Doritos.

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Second thoughts?

March 4, 2009

In a reality show shocker, Jason aka “the “Bachelor” chose one woman, then a few weeks later said he had changed his mind. John McCain said “You can do that?”

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After weeks and weeks of various televised “dates”” on “the Bachelor” Jason proposed to Melissa. But it looks like he will end up with Molly. When he’s done with this reality show thing maybe he can get a job vetting for the Obama administration.

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Wonder what happened between Jason and Melissa? Maybe he found out she didn’t pay her taxes?

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California Governor Schwarzenegger says he will appear in a Sylvester Stallone movie to show he can still act. Well, if Arnold wants to seem like he can act, what better costar for comparison than Stallone?.

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The latest delay in the Barry Bonds perjury case means the trial may not start for another year and a half. At this rate the only performance enchancing substance they may catch Bonds with is “Ensure.”

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A sign of global warming? It’s not even Spring yet, and the San Jose Sharks are already tanking.

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Another in what may become a series:

Does this really need a punchline?

President Obama has made his pick for the Director of the Office of Personnel Management, the agency that oversees the federal government’s work force,

His choice: John Berry, currently the Director of the National Zoo.

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Do airlines even read their own rules before they post them?

March 3, 2009

Okay, usually this blog is geared towards political and sports jokes. But sometimes the airlines just make it too easy.

And we all know that a lot of airline fare rules don’t make sense.

But some of them don’t make sense more than others.

While American Airlines is far from the only culprit, witness their current rules display for a one-way fare from San Jose, California to Orange County, California:

CANCELLATIONS

TICKET IS NON-REFUNDABLE

NOTE- TICKET HAS NO VALUE UNLESS PASSENGER CANCELS TICKETED FLIGHT RESERVATIONS PRIOR TO TICKETED DEPARTURE TIME.

CHANGES

CHARGE USD 150.00 FOR REISSUE.

Then there is a bunch of airline-speak about the ticket having value towards a future ticket for up to a year, although the change fee still applies. And that changes to a higher fare mean the fare difference plus the change fee.

All fine, except, the fare is $99 one way.

So let’s see, if you remember to cancel or change the ticket if you aren’t taking the flight, you can pay a $150.00 penalty plus the fare difference on a $99 ticket. But if you no-show the flight you lose the whole $99.

Glad they let us know.

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Bailout bailout…

March 3, 2009

One way to make sure the bailout money only goes to those companies who REALLY need it:

Announce that after President Obama finally finishes filling his cabinet, the folks vetting his nominees will also start checking the back taxes of every executive at companies receiving bailout money.

At the very least it should help the deficit.

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Why major league pitchers should wear helmets:

Curt Schilling says he would like to return to baseball, if it was to play for a “championship caliber” team like the Rays, or…the Cubs?

Or maybe the 42 year old pitcher has just officially qualified himself for the season’s first senior moment..

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Apparently wide-receiver T. J. Houshmandzadeh has agreed on a $40 million contract with the Seattle Seahawks for five years. For that much money he should be able to buy a vowel.

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John McCain’s daughter Meghan says that the presidential election has “killed her love life.” And Sarah Palin immediately told her children she is definitely running in 2012.

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Economic stimulus?

March 2, 2009

With all the ideas being floated around. Has President Obama considered invading another country, losing, and then having them rebuild us?.

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In a new reality show, world-famous golf instructor Hank Haney will try to help Charles Barkley with his famously awful golf swing. For a more productive sequel, how about Rick Barry trying to help Shaq with free throws?

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AIG is asking for another bailout from government TARP (Troubled Assets Recovery Program.) Was this really the right name? Isn’t a tarp what police put over a corpse?

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US Air says now they will stop charging for coffee, water, and soft drinks on board their planes. There will, however, be a nomimal charge for cups.

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Defense secretary Robert Gates said Sunday that he thought “probably President Obama is somewhat more analytical than President Bush.”

(Does this really need a punchline? What was his first clue?)

With all due respect, that Portoguese Water Dog the Obama girls are getting might be somewhat more analytical than Bush.

President Bush wasn’t offended by the comment, though he might be when Laura tells him what “analytical” means.

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The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation making the first week in March No Cussing Week.

With exemptions, I assume, for Clippers fans and anyone with the Dodgers involved with the Manny Ramirez negotiations..

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To be heard around the water cooler Monday: Say, with Tiger out did you hear who won the match play tournament this weekend? Yeah, me neither.

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If you are thinking of higher office someday…

February 28, 2009

With all the recent political career derailments, thought I would do a helpful post on suggestions for those planning on a career in public service above the local level. Including cabinet positions.

If you are planning any indiscretions, do them while you are young. Note, young means 21 and under. Under 18 is better. 25 is marginal. 30 something, or 40 something, may be young at heart, but not in the court of public opinion.

Live your life as if EVERYONE you come in contact with has a cellphone camera. This is almost true anyway. Especially if you hang out with anyone under 60.

If you patronize an adult bookstore, a “gentlemans club” or anything similar, pay cash.

If possible, never end a relationship on bad terms. Especially if your ex has pictures. And if it’s a relationship you would prefer not to be public, this goes double.

Pay taxes. For anything over a lemonade stand. And maybe even then.

Pay taxes for anyone you hire. And employees count as a relationship. Don’t be the kind of boss with ex-employees feeling they need to get back at you. Because, if you become a public figure, they will.

In public restrooms, don’t adopt a wide stance.

And remember, friends may fade, but Facebook is forever.

Additional suggestions welcome. Remember the career you save may be your own.

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More Jindal…

February 28, 2009

This has not been a good week for Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal. In fact, generally when things go this badly for a potential future Republican presidential candidate, Katie Couric is involved.

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It has now come out that Jindal’s story of standing “shoulder to shoulder” with a New Orleans sheriff during Katrina was fabricated. In his defense, the Governor says the exaggeration might be due to post traumatic stress syndrome from the time he dodged sniper fire with Hillary Clinton.

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Manny Ramirez said last fall he was happy in Los Angeles and would like to finish his career there. Now, the spring training season is underway, and he has turned down yet another $45 million contract offer from the Dodgers. Even Kobe Bryant is saying “Think of the team.”
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With Manny Ramirez publicly turning down huge contracts, there is some worry he is hurting baseball’s reputation during this recession. Even Commissioner Bud Selig is saying, “Can’t you settle for $18 million a year like I did?
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How can anyone doubt now that President Obama can work miracles? He showed up to watch a Washington Wizards game and they actually won.

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After signing a $137 million six year contract with the Mets last year, Johan Santana has been scratched from both spring training starts with elbow trouble. New York is just hoping they didn’t pay all that money for absolutely nothing this year. Maybe it wasn’t the best karma to name their new stadium Citi Field?

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Who needs experience?

February 27, 2009

Former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman is running for governor of California, although she has never held elected office and has admitted forgetting to vote.

Another sign of our country’s move towards gender equality- now women too can try to jump into politics at the top.
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Republicans claimed last year that being an attractive minority candidate didn’t offset youth and inexperience. Who knew they were talking about Bobby Jindal.

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Tiger Woods returned to playing professional golf and told a reporter “The day I’m not nervous is the day I quit.”

That explains all Tiger’s fellow PGA tour members sending him all those yoga tapes.

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So Bobby Jindal considers “volcano monitoring” in the stimulus bill to be a ridiculous waste of money. Wonder what he would say if the Governors of Hawaii and Washington declared any money spent on shoring up levees to be a ridiculous waste too?

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Actually, Bobby’s real name is Pi-Yush Jindal, he says he changed it himself at the age of four to name himself after Bobby Brady on the Brady Bunch.

Myself, I wanted to be Marcia. But I drew the line at trying to duplicate her hair.

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So Governor Jindal changed his name from Piyush to Bobby. Well for all the jobs we are losing overseas to India, at least we are winning on names here.

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Stanford’s men’s basketball team lost another close game Thursday to UCLA, 76-71, after blowing yet another lead. The team, in fact, has led in all seven of their road losses, At this point, perhaps they should change the mascot to Wil E Coyote.

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And in the midst of a recession, another example of why other countries hate us…

From US Weekly, about the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen: “The bride wore a Dolce and Gabbana gown. Her three dogs, which attended the ceremony, wore matching Dolce and Gabbana floral lace collars.”

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While the credit markets have essentially dried up, the NBA announced it has lined up $200 million from U.S. banks for any franchise that is interested in extra cash.

Does this really need a punchline?

But…

Guess this could put a whole new spin on the term “America’s teams.”

or

Well, to the long list of incompetent operations our tax dollars are shoring up, we may soon be able to add the Clippers.

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Presidential jokes?

February 26, 2009

My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg’s daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout history. The number one joke – George W. Bush.

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Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, in his rebuttal to President Obama’s speech, decried the “volcano monitoring” money in the stimulus package. Can we officially declare him the governor least likely to be invited for a vacation by the Hawaiian tourism bureau?

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Jindal was also criticized for his not-very-flattering suit. But to be fair, the Republican National Committee spent all their clothing budget on Sarah Palin.
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Obama’s and Jindal’s speeches did bring hope to the beleaguered clothing industry. Women saw Michelle Obama and wanted to shop to dress like her. And men saw Bobby Jindal and wanted to shop so they wouldn’t be dressing like him

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Actually, Jindal supposedly renamed himself Bobby as a child, after Bobby Brady on the Brady Bunch. His real name is Piyush. Although many Republicans privately rated his performance as P.U.

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With the Wizards firmly ensconced in the NBA’s Eastern Conference basement, and the Nationals’ General Manager Jim Bowden involved in a scouting scandal before the season even starts, at least there’s some good news for Barack Obama. Even with a few more tax problems and mistakes, he won’t have the most embarrassing team in Washington.

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And Michelle Obama has announced the first family will be getting a Portuguese Water Dog in April. So this means Obama has already delivered on one campaign promise.

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With the global recession, and some purses on the European golfing tour already scaled back, Greg Norman thinks that PGA prize money in America should be reduced too. But while the country is talking stimulus packages, how about this solution, part of the top prizes changed to debit cards, that must be spent within the next six months in the U.S.? (Tiger Woods could single handedly jump start the baby clothing and accessories markets.)

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Semi-State of the Union…

February 25, 2009

President Obama’s first speech to Congress was notably different from his predecesor’s in many respects.

For starters, no need for English subtitles.

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Nancy Pelosi appeared to be doing her best to be a role model for tough economic times. Or that would explain an outfit that looked like it came from the sale rack at the dollar store.

(yeah, yeah, I know women are held to a higher standard and that joke is catty. But I’m a Democrat and a woman so I’ll make it anyway.)

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President Obama’s speech lasted 50 minutes. Or as Joe Biden would call it “a few introductory remarks.”

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The Washington Nationals signed 16 year old Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006. Turns out his name is Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, and he is four years older than they thought.

Well, at least he’s one guy who can truly say he matured in the off-season.

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Random thought. How come the scent of an expensive perfume can fade in a few hours…but the smell of burnt popcorn is forever?

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Monkey business

After a chimpanzee critically injured his owner’s friend and was shot to death last week, the House passed a bill to make it illegal to transport primates across state lines for use as pets. The vote was 323 to 95.

Not that what happened to that poor woman – and chimp – wasn’t awful. But in the midst of an economic meltdown, this is what we get passed with bipartisan agreement?

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Octuplet mom Nayda Shulman claims she is writing a book about childcare.

Isn’t that like Bill Clinton writing a book about fidelity?

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing a book about brevity?

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Or – Nayda Shulman is writing a book about childcare. Who could possibly consider her a sane role model on the subject? Other than Michael Jackson.

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Losing Super Bowl quarterback, Kurt Warner, 37, wants a raise from the Arizona Cardinals from $4 million last year, to about $14 million this year. In his defense, Warner claims he’s worried about soon having to live on Social Security.

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What’s in a name?

February 24, 2009

After this week they may all be Banks of America.

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What’s wrong with this country?

Barry Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson, who has refused to testify against the slugger, has spent more time in jail than Bernie Madoff.

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Some economists feel that the stock market has hit bottom around 7000. And in any case will not keep losing 200-300 points a day for very long. Well, no more than a month for sure.

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The University of Michigan is slightly owering football ticket prices this year. after a 3-9 season. Apparently the athletic department decided to keep the prices more in line with other Division 3 teams.

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The number of Americans actually working in February has dropped to one of the lowest levels in the last decades. Not as low, however, as it will be during the first week of March Madness.

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Who wants to be a slumdog millionaire?

February 23, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire, filmed on a modest budget in Mumbai, was a big winner at the Academy Awards. Now we’re even outsourcing our awards to India.

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Actually, in the U.S., plans are afoot for a documentary titled “Slumdog Millionaire.” It’s about several real estate investors who used to be billionaires.

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The producers of Slumdog Millionaire brought several of the child actors to the Oscar ceremony. The process, however, wasn’t easy. First they had to work out the travel schedules, then there were the visa issues, and then Angelina Jolie tried to adopt them.

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Regarding this year’s Oscar gowns….was the whole production supposed to be a tribute to “the Little Mermaid?”

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Former President Clinton has been speaking out and giving a lot of helpful advice to President Obama. Even Joe Biden is saying “Bill, less is more.”

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And back to baseball, Los Angeles Dodgers’ general manager says that converations between the team and Manny Ramirez have become “more frequent and longer”, and that while he wouldn’t say it was progress, “we’re just talking much more.”

Is this a contract negotiation or marriage counseling?

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A father figure…

February 22, 2009

New San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary says he wants to be a “father figure” to the team and the young players.

Although after that first pants dropping press conference he also fulfilled a mother’s role in one aspect – the reminder never to go out of the house without clean underwear.

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Singletary also said he wanted the 49ers to be physical with an F.

So maybe he also meant he wanted to be a Phather Phigure?

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More Oscars jokes to follow, but in the best acting category, a few performances left out:

Alex Rodriguez – for his portrayal of a young naive multimillionaire. (“I didn’t know I was using steroids, but I knew I wasn’t taking Tic-Tacs.” – for starters, who injects Tic-Tacs?)

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Bud Selig – for his portrayal of an old naive multimillionaire. (“There were steroids in baseball? I’m shocked, shocked…”)

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Most of the PGA Tour. For their welcome of Tiger Woods back to professional golf.

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Decision in California…

February 21, 2009

So who’d a thunk it ?- California would decide on a budget before Manny Ramirez would decide on a team.

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Barack Obama took his first foreign trip to Canada this past week. He said in a speech there that he expected to fix the U.S. economy, bring the troops home from Iraq, and solve global warming. Realistically, however, he said there was nothing he could do about the Maple Leafs.

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It turns out that the home where octuplet mom Nayda Suleman has been living with her mother and other six children might be foreclosed, as the mortgage hasn’t been paid in months.

Well, finally something about this nutty woman most Americans can relate to.

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Now it turns out that newly appointed Illlinois Senator Roland Burris admits he tried to raise money for former Governor Blagojevich, but was unsuccessful. He still says he has nothing to hide. That’s like telling your partner or spouse you didn’t cheat on them during a business trip, after everyone you propositioned turned you down.

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Roland Burris is being pressured to resign, even though he has only been in Washington for a month. That’s not even long enough to learn how to cheat on his taxes.

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Burris also could be charged with perjury over the fundraising issue. It’s a strange situation in Illinois; the state with “Land of Lincoln” on their license plates seems to be sending a never ending supply of politicians to help make them.

Maybe they should change the license plate a bit. Instead of just saying “Land of Lincoln,” Illinois could add on the bottom “Honest Abe doesnt live here any more.”

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No turning blind eyes here…

February 20, 2009

Commissioner Bud Selig said earlier this week that he didn’t want to hear anyone say he turned a “blind eye” to baseball’s steroid problem. So I guess we’ve got the “hear no evil” part down too…

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Further regarding the steroid issue, Selig said he doesn’t understand how people can ask him “how did you not know?” And then he added that he also doesn’t understand how so many people can think that nice young man Michael Phelps has tried marijuana.

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Bill Clinton said in an interview that Obama should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic” And the former president pointed out how his own optimism had paid off: As bad as it looked last summer, Hillary now has a job she is happy with, and she’s usually out of the country.

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Barack Obama got great press coverage from his first foreign trip as president, to Canada. But the Republicans had Sarah Palin watching from her house.

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John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, spoke out today about the Republican party’s need to get modernize their use of techology. And in that spirit her father went out and replaced his typewriter with an electric model.

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American Idol started the voting part of their show this week, reducing twelve contestants down to three. No, wait, that was the Obama team vetting potential cabinet members on taxes.

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This is basically a rewrite of a joke idea from Nick Coombs:

The Washington Nationals paid a $1.4 million signing bonus to Dominican prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006.

Now it turns out Gonzalez is four years older than he claimed, AND uses a assumed name. Guess we finally learned the answer to the question “Whatever happened to Danny Almonte?

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And major league baseball’s spring training is finally in full gear for 2009. You know what that means… only a few more weeks until stores in Chicago can start selling “Wait until 2010” Cubs t-shirts.

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With Obama in Washington…

February 19, 2009

The only thing harder to find in Illinois than a Cubs World Series ring, might be an honest politician.

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At this point, Roland Burris could be the first U.S. Senator to end up with an asterisk.

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Michael Phelps is having the windows of his home in Baltimore tinted, apparently to keep the parparazzi from peeking in. Not only that, but it will also help with his dilated pupils.

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The latest politician to be caught owing back taxes? Sarah Palin, who will be paying taxes on thousands of dollars she received in per diems. I didn’t even realize she was trying for a job in the Obama administration. –

Ken Griffey, Jr, is returning to the Seattle Mariners. So he can finish out his career in the city where he first went on the disabled list.
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In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states are sending YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. California is apparently sending videos of the Kings and the Clippers.

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Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay, is running for governor of California. This despite the fact that in many recent elections she didn’t even vote. This is like trying to be an Ebay powerseller without having any feedback.

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