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More embarrassment from Washington?

March 27, 2010

Yes, I know that title might be redundant.

But Gilbert Arenas, the Washington Wizards star who pled guilty after bringing four guns into the locker room, was sentenced today to 30 days in a halfway house, plus probation and community service. The judge could have handed down a much tougher sentence, like returning to play for the Wizards.

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Arenas does actually seem contrite at this point, and may actually finally realize the gravity of his actions. For example, after sentencing, could have included jail time, he did NOT tell the media that he felt he had “dodged a bullet.”

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Many fans of improbably basketball stories have been disappointed by the Sweet Sixteen games in this year’s tournament. Which after a wild first weekend featured relatively few surprises.

On the other hand, it would be hard to top the true basketball shocker of the weekend – The New Jersey Nets have won two straight.

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President Obama’s second choice to head the Transportation Security Agency withdrew his name from consideration today, two months after the President’s first choice also withdrew. (No doubt too, many other candidates didn’t even make it through the initial process.)

And here Obama probably figured that with Air Force One the one thing he wouldn’t have to deal with was TSA hassles

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A British researcher claims that men raised by nannies are more likely to cheat because they get the idea as little boys that they should have more than one woman to take care of their needs And all over England, people are exclaiming, “Mary Poppins, you homewrecker.”

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Looks like “24” is in the midst of its last season on television, Although instead of a true final episode, the series may continue on just to finish with a two hour movie. In that case, shouldn’t they change the show’s name to “26?”

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Many observers took the fact that John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him as a sign that he has forgiven all the presidential campaign issues, and all the problems Palin caused. Could be. Or more likely, McCain just doesn’t remember.

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Omar Samhan, the talkative star of the St. Mary’s Gaels., turns out to be a serious Taylor Swift fan. In fact, during an interview, he said to the cameras, “I love you Taylor, you should call me.” Unfortunately, the only callback he got was from Kanye West.

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Chet Simmons, the first president of ESPN, died this week at the age of 81. No word on a cause of death; maybe he had Kansas-Villanova in the finals.

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California dreaming…

March 26, 2010

Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh actually tweeted this “I realize I’ve never had one. When we win the Rose Bowl I’m going to treat the team and myself to a DQ banana split. Wonder how long it will take the NCAA to investigate this as a possible illegal player payment program.

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Sarah Palin is actually going to host a show featuring Alaska wildlife. No word on whether it will be fried, roasted, or barbecued.

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How trashed are most Americans’ NCAA tournament brackets? Worker productivity for the last week in March is at an all time high.
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We may never know for sure what exactly happened between Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his latest accuser. But it does seem likely that Ben’s “dating skills” are never going to get him invited to be a contestant on “the Bachelor.”

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In 1928, Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented the bread slicer. So what did they say it was the greatest thing since…?

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John McCain is really upset about the passage of the healthcare bill by the Democrats. In fact, he made the following statement on behalf of his fellow Republicans “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year.”

Yes John, and your point is…?

(If he really does believe what he said that could settle it, McCain really was too senile to be elected President.)

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Speaking of old, Sir Elton John turned 63 on Thursday. He can still sing “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” but now it’s because he can’t remember the way back.

And Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith turns 62 today. In his honor, the “Rock and Roll Coaster” at Disney World, which is a high speed ride in fake convertible cars themed to Aerosmith songs, will mostly operate as normal. But the cars will go through the turns and loops with their left blinkers on.

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Pope Benedict XVI has been accused of, (back while he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger), helping to stop an investigation of a Wisconsin priest accused of molesting over 200 deaf boys. This is the most embarrassing story to hit the Vatican since last week

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Move over Denver….

March 25, 2010

California voters could legalize marijuana this November. So much for the “Mile High City,” we could become the “Mile High State.”

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An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which may help explain why the San Francisco Giants were able to sign Tim Lincecum to a long-term contract.

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or – nonsports version –

An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which could make the state the first to do away with high crimes and misdemeanors.

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NFL officials have expressed concern because as many as a third of potential first round draft picks have admitted marijuana use. Wow. Next thing we’ll be hearing is that some of these players didn’t go to college for the academics either.

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Although, on second thought regarding that story of the NFL being concerned about about a third of potential first-rounders admitting marijuana use – are they worried more about those kids having drug problems or the other kids being liars?

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Blockbuster, once one of the most profitable entertainment companies in America, is now close to bankruptcy. A documentary movie on the company’s rapid rise and fall may be available this summer on Netflix.

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Pamela Anderson did surprisingly well on the first “Dancing with the Stars.” There was that first embarrassing moment in the rehearsals when she thought “stars” referred to those little breast pasties.

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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But rumor has it she’s considering going golfing with Elin Woods.
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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But her friends are considering a Craigslist post for a “dirty little coward” to shoot Mr. Howard.

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Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. “That’s really a shame”, said absolutely no one.

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Really tacky joke. Some are still up in arms over Joe Biden’s “Big f**king deal” comment.

Suppose it’s a good thing no sportscaster referred to Tiger’s endorsement-losing follies as “Big deal-breaking f**king.”

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Lining up to be counted??

March 24, 2010

Starbucks offered a free pastry Tuesday morning to anyone who ordered a ‘hand-crafted” drink. And stores had people waiting in lines around the block. Forget all these expensive contingency plans to get people to fill in their census forms. The government should just offer them free doughnuts.

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For all the nasty vitrol spewed by opponents of the healthcare reform, there actually would have been a kinder, gentler way to delay passage. Republicans should have just asked Joe Biden to say a few words in favor of the bill. (He’d still just be getting warmed up.)

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Possible redemption for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire? A Virginia chiropractor is under investigation for allegedly providing steroids to members of the Washington Nationals. What more evidence do we need that steroids don’t necessarily improve your performance?

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Joe Biden seems to have upset some Republicans by referring to healthcare reform as a “f**king” big deal. Apparently he should have followed the lead of our last vice-president and used the word as a verb.

(In case anyone forgets, Dick Cheney suggested to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy that he attempt an anatomically impossible act.)

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Apparently for the newest “Pirates of the Caribbean”, Disney has asked that only aspiring actresses with “real breasts, not implants” apply for the roles. Auditions will be held in Los Angeles whenever both candidates can make it.

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Zydrunas Ilgauskas has signed a deal that will again have him playing center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Just when those poor midwest sportscasters and copy editors had finally gotten comfortable with “Faroukmanesh.”
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Andy Borowitz said that Google claimed one of the last straws in their decision to pull out of China was the way the Chinese censors turned a request for “human rights” into “did you mean hunan rice.” But hey, anyone could make that mistake,” said former President George W. Bush.

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Brett Yormark, the CEO of the truly awful New Jersey Nets, apparently was seen arguing with a fan who attended a home game with a paper bag over his head. Guess the fan wouldn’t share his bag.

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from my funny friend Neil Berliner:

A poll says that 50% of New Yorkers favor the legalization of medical marijuana and 41% oppose. One gentleman in the other 9% asked to have the question repeated twice and then replied, “Hey bud, which way is the Fillmore East at?”

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More upsets….

March 23, 2010

It just keeps getting worse for those who had bet on the experts’ predictions – including all those who picked Scott Brown over President Obama in the healthcare finals.

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Why size doesn’t always matter – the population of Cedar Falls, Iowa, home of the Northern Iowa Panthers, is about 36,000. Just a few hundred less than the UNDERGRADUATE population of their next opponent, Michigan State.

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There are now so many reporters now heading for Iowa that residents of the state who aren’t sports fans must wonder if they scheduled a really early presidential caucus.

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Besides Kansas fans, the people who have to be the most upset by the Northern Iowa upset – sportscasters and copy editors who have to say and spell “Faroukmanesh.”

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Not to say American sports fans have a short attention span, but with their brackets busted many fans will now care as much about the rest of March madness as they do at this point about Olympic hockey. – “So who won that game anyway?”

(note to Canadian readers, just kidding.)

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Marc Ragovin sent along several funny comments yesterday about the new Mets slogan, designed around new closer K-Rod, “We believe in eight inning games.”

But over in Los Angeles, Dodgers fans are asking “When did they get that long?”

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And over in Minnesota, where the Twins just lost closer Joe Nathan for the season, the response is “Sign us up for that too.”
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The San Francisco 49ers have announced they may go into next season without a general manager. Thereby confusing many fans, who last season saw no discernible evidence that the team HAD a general manager.

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And in a commie-pinko, did they really say that moment…. (Conservatives can stop reading now) You have to love all the Republicans who suddenly started saying about healthcare that they didn’t want the government coming between a doctor and a patient. Can we quote them on this the next time Roe v. Wade comes under attack?

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Meanwhile, back in California politics, Meg Whitman has spent over $27 million on her campaign in the first three months of 2010. And this is a woman who believes we can’t afford healthcare reform.

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Independence day?

March 22, 2010

Since this is a country founded on the principle of independence, I would just hope that all the congressmen and women who voted against today’s healthcare bill please show THEIR independence by resigning their government-paid healthcare?

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Cornell enters the Sweet Sixteen as one of the biggest surprises, and probably without a lot of money bet on them in Vegas?

Because after all, anyone smart enough to have graduated from Cornell was also probably smart enough not to have bet on them.

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On the other hand, think about the fans Cornell has picked up in Chicago. It’s the first time in recent memory they have heard “possible championship” and “Ivy” mentioned in the same sentence.

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Twelve seed Cornell routed the fourth seeded Badgers 87 to 69. For Wisconsin sports fans this just solidifies 4 as the currently most unpopular current number in the state.
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There will actually be a special tournament set up next week in Vegas for gamblers whose NCAA brackets i are in decent shape. The game, of course – “Liar’s Dice.”

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All the upsets in the tournament so far means a lot of fans will be going into April without much hope. Does this make them all honorary Nationals fans?

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At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs – “I tried to stop and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve just found the new U.S. spokesman for Toyota.

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Tiger Woods confessed to being “a little nervous” about the reception he will get at this year’s Masters. And his fellow golfers said, “Hey, no worries, why don’t you relax and take a little extra time out of the spotlight with your family?”

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From Bill Littlejohn: Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the residence of the Octomom. She reportedly is in negotiations for a cheaper shoe.

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And finally, for any blog reader trying to win a bar bet this week- try this question – who are the only men’s teams to advance to the Sweet Sixteen for each of the past three years?

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Answer, Michigan State and Xavier.

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Brackets – flat out broke and busted…

March 21, 2010

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Obama’s speech to congressional Democrats today is already being considered one of the best of his presidency. Who’d a thunk yesterday that the President’s healthcare plan would be looking better than his brackets? (Obama picked Kansas to win it all.)

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Lots of headlines about the Northern Iowa upset of Kansas, calling it the biggest “underdog” victory of the year. Since Northern Iowa is the Panthers , shouldn’t they have been “undercats?”

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The Panthers’ upset certainly ranks as one of the earthshaking events to ever happen to Kansas. And in this case there wasn’t even a witch and flying house involved.

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The Washington Nationals sent star prospect Stephen Strasburg to their double AA afflilate in Harrisburg. Some say it had to do with money and delaying his eligibility for arbitration. But it might be simply that they wanted him to have experience with a team that could actually win a few games.

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Tim Tebow will work out for the Washington Redskins this weekend. Thereby providing more ammunition for those who admire his college performance, but say he will never play quarterback for a professional team.

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As we move into late March there are more and more signs that the major league baseball regular season is starting soon – the weather is getting warmer, rosters are getting smaller, and Kerry Wood is injured again.

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from Alex Kaseberg:
A study in the journal “Neurobiology of Aging” revealed there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50. Not only that, but there is memory loss between the age of 40 and 50.

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The first weekend of Madness.

March 20, 2010

Heady times in Northern California. In the NCAA tournament The Cal Bears beat Louisville, and St Mary’s knocked off Richmond.

But then there’s always the reality check known as the Golden State Warriors. Who managed to lose to San Antonio 147 to 116.

Actually Cal and Washington both advanced. As someone who has watched some pretty abysmal Pac 10 games this year I have to wonder…maybe it’s not that the conference was better than most of us thought, but that the rest of men’s college basketball was worse than than we thought.

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Not to say March Madness loyalties are shallow. But wondering – of all those “fans” bemoaning Temple’s first round loss at the hands of Cornell, how many of them could find Temple on a map?

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Now, over in our nation’s capital, fans are still recovering from Georgetown’s 14 point loss, as the 3rd seed, to 14th rated Old Dominion. Its the worst performance Washington basketball fans can remember, well, at least since the last Wizards game.

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How bad are the Washington Wizards? They may change their name to the Washington Generals.

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In fact, between Georgetown’s early exit and the Wizards’ ninth loss in a row, the best recent basketball performance in DC may belong to President Obama with his bracket picks.

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Jihad Jane”s mom said her daughter was just “lonely” and wanted somebody to love. Does this mean maybe the U.S. should start promoting the Humane Society and their shelters as anti-terrorist organizations?

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A new non-profit organization called “Reboot’ is trying to encourage people to take a 24 hour holiday next weekend from technology, no cellphones, computers, etc. And of course, the company is trying to spread the idea via sites like Facebook.

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American Idol has announced that following the “Rolling Stones” show, next week’s show’s focus will be “Teen Idols.” Of course, what most of the young contestants don’t know – the Rolling Stones WERE “Teen Idols.”

And when the band started…. Mick Jagger was all of 19 himself.

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An actual serious thought:

On the Ellen Degeneres show, Constance McMillen, who wanted to bring her girlfriend to her Mississippi prom received a $30,000 scholarship from the website Tonic.Com. Now it would be great to see some company step up to fund an alternative “non-prom” for the young women, and the other students who got their prom cancelled.

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and finally from my funny friend Jim Barach.

Porsche has taken the top spot in the J.D. Power dependability study. The study won’t be officially completed until the Toyota stops racing uncontrollably around the course.

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Busted brackets…

March 19, 2010

How bad a day was it for sports fans who had Big East teams going deep into the tournament? Some of them are so upset that tomorrow they might actually use their office computers for work.

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Three teams (Georgetown, Marquette and Notre Dame) upset in the first round, and Villanova barely escaped. Who knew that in the NCAA tournament the Big East would suddenly become the Big Easy?

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And now we really know St. Patrick’s Day is over. The first NCAA tournament upset was Old Dominion over Notre Dame. So much for the luck of the Irish.

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And here most Irish fans thought the worst thing that would happen to them today was a St Patty’s hangover.

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The Chicago Cubs are considering putting up the first sponsored sign at Wrigley Field – a Toyota logo over the left field bleachers. But do Toyota and the team really have that much in common? After all, you can stop the Cubs.

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From my very talented and funny friend Jerry Perisho:

This is one of those rare moments in history when mortgage rates and Congress’s approval ratings both hover around 5%.

(and my rejoinder – the difference is that we can actually expect Congress’s ratings might go lower.)

Ideas for getting those census forms back…

So the U.S. Government is spending over $11 billion on their latest census. And for all that they are worried about getting people to reply.

Can I suggest a few simple answers?

Get the census form returned by this weekend along with a filled out bracket and be entered in a March Madness prize pool.

Forget needing to do the work of brackets. Have a Publisher’s Clearing House type contest with winners drawn from respondents.

Give respondents extra votes for American Idol.

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Post St. Patty’s toast…

March 18, 2010

Still in the Irish spirit, here’s a toast…

“May your troubles last as long as your perfect March Madness brackets.”

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Serious thought – yes, I have them occasionally – on the eve of March Madness. Want to raise the abysmal graduation rates for NCAA D1 basketball? Tie scholarships to the number of previous year’s graduations.

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Not sure if the Texas Rangers have finalized the advertising signs this year for their Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. But I think it’s a safe bet we won’t be seeing ‘Things go better with Coke.

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Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has suggested NCAA teams be banned from post season play unless they have at least a 40 percent player graduation rate. And student-athletes from many top seeded teams are complaining “No fair, that’s well over half.”

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The Washington Nationals, 0-11 in Spring Training, and with the worst record in baseball last year, have indicated they probably want phenom Stephen Strasburg to start the season with a AAA team. No word on if that team will be the Syracuse Chiefs or the Nationals themselves.

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First round NCAA men’s basketball stats: Louisville – 38% graduation rate. Cal – that academic powerhouse – 20% graduation rate.

(yes, this blog does have an occasional Stanford bias.)

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So Barack Obama may have secured Dennis Kucinich’s vote on healthcare by taking him for a ride on Air Force One. Which was a more positive methodology than Obamas original idea – threatening to send him to ride on Amtrak with Joe Biden.

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Thieves apparently broke into an Eli Lilly warehouse in Connecticut and stole over $70 million worth of drugs. Wow. At today’s retail prices that’s medication for at least a dozen people for a year.

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Orly Taitz is a leader of the “birther movement,” and has filed many lawsuits claiming President Obama was not born in the United States. Now she is running in the California Republican primary for Secretary of State. Wonder if Orly has to declare her birthplace in the filing papers? It would be nice to know her home planet.

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St. Patrick’s Day…

March 17, 2010

Where single men go out and pretend they are Irish, while also pretending that they don’t normally drink that much. Plus, since it’s March Madness, many of them will claim they know more about basketball than simply filling out random brackets. And then most of them will complain that “women don’t understand the real me.”

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So with all of these scandals, there’s one imperfect politician whose image might be looking a little better now… Bill Clinton.

Actually, in all seriousness Bill doesn’t look so bad anymore. A little garden variety tomcatting, no soul mates, no trips to argentina, no high priced prostitutes and no tickle parties. And no babies. As far as we know.

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Fascination-repulsion reaction to Rielle Hunter’s interview. Who would have thought Bill Clinton would turn out to been a better husband than John Edwards?
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ABBA was just inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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Someone stole a truck in Benicia, California, containing over 1100 cases of wine, valued at $50,000. That’s $45 a case, less than $4 a bottle. Guess the police aren’t looking for wine snobs.

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From Ben Burnett:

A Montreal man the FBI once called Canada’s biggest movie pirate will be sentenced on Tuesday for illegally distributing copyrighted material on the internet…..the harshest part of his sentence calls for “Hannah Montana: The Movie” to be played on a loop in his cell.

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Definition of eternity – Brett Favre trying to finalize his NCAA tournament brackets.

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Inspired by a joke from Paul Seaburn – John McCain and Sarah Palin will be campaigning together in Arizona for the first time since the Presidential election. McCain was worried at first, but now has a plan to make sure Palin doesn’t say anything embarrassing. Before they hit the campaign trail, he’s going to make her wash her hands.

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Tiger Woods said he is returning to golf at the Masters next months. That’s fantastic news said CBS, all their advertisers, and absolutely none of the other golfers who have qualified for the tournament.

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I can see the headlines now if Woods has a decent first round “Tiger still knows how to put it in the hole.”

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Longshot bets.

March 16, 2010

Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner had their first debate Monday night, in front of an organization of Republican donors who pay a $10,000 annual membership fee. Or as the GOP calls them “the middle class.”

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David Beckham had successful tendon surgery which means there is a chance, a very slim chance, but a chance that the soccer star could play in the World Cup. English fans in particular just hope the 34 year old can still “Mend it like Beckham.”
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“Spring forward, fall back.” Isn’t that how Cubs fans would describe their expectations for their team every year?

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The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. Wonder if it’s related to the fact we don’t see Wolverines in the Rose Bowl any more either.

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As healthcare reform inches closer to passage, and Limbaugh considers relocation, I can’t wait until Rush realizes one thing – Costa Rica has socialized healthcare.

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There must be days when President Obama wonders if it could get any worse. On the constant bright side, however, is the fact that he didn’t choose John Edwards as his vice president.

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You have to love Rielle Hunter, John Edward’s “baby mama.” She states in a GQ interview that Edwards’ decision to run for president in 2008 was “reckless.” Presumably as opposed to his decision to sleep with her “a few hours’ after they first met.

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But okay, while you readers might be fillling out brackets… who would have bet on Bill and Hillary Clinton staying married longer than John and Elizabeth Edwards?

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The Vatican is denying that its celibacy requirement is a root cause of the latest sex abuse scandal with priests in Europe. Sure, when a non-negotiable part of a job description is that you can never marry or even have a adult sexual relationship, there’s no chance that would attract men with….issues.

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Not-so-happy hour…

March 15, 2010

That’s how NCAA bubble teams felt about selection Sunday when they found out their names weren’t on the list.

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But really, for teams like Illinois, Mississippi State, Virginia Tech, etc., I have two comments:

First, realistically the last teams in are the first teams out. So it’s not like the committee deprived any of these schools of a real chance to win the tournament.

And second, unlike in football where colleges routinely get hosed by the BCS, there’s a simple way to avoid being snubbed by the NCAA tournament – WIN MORE GAMES.

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The NCAA is considering expanding their men’s basketball tournament to 96 teams to increase television revenue. Well heck, why not just let all Division 1 teams in and call it March, April and May Madness?

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For the women’s tournament, anyone else want to just see Stanford and Connecticut play best out of about ten games and forget the other 62 teams?
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SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, wants to appoint a regular Muni rider to Municipal Transportation Agency’s Board of Directors. Sounds good in theory, but how would that person ever make it on time to meetings.

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As healthcare reform may be getting closer to final passage, wonder if Rush Limbaugh has thought about this while he packs? Costa Rica has a socialized healthcare system.

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Due to an injury, soccer will be missing one of its biggest stars this year in the World Cup. Guess at the age of 34, it’s no longer easy for even David Beckham to “Mend it like Beckham”

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R.I.P Peter Graves. Perhaps the only man in the world who could have gotten away with making pedophile jokes funny – “Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish Prision, Joey have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

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Will Graves’ tombstone read “Captain Oveur, over?”

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Approaching March madness…

March 13, 2010

In fact, if you are reading this, shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

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NCAA men’s basketball has been criticized for becoming basically a “one and done” rest stop for players on their way to the NBA. But there have been so many conference tournament upsets, which basically invalidated so many regular season results, that you have to wonder – has college basketball basically become the NBA?

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Carly Fioriana has now compared her Republican primary opponent Tom Campbell to a “demon sheep,” and Democratic senator Barbara Boxer to a giant blimp. Her former employees at HP grudgingly admit, however, that the campaign is a step up from staff meetings – where she referred to her critics as “doo-doo heads.”

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Natalie Randolph, a former player herself, was named head varsity football coach at Calvin Coolidge Senior High School in Washington D.C. This will make her Washington’s highest profile coach of an amateur football team. Well, besides Mike Shanahan of the Redskins.

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Utah’s House majority leader Kevin Garn has resigned. This was only two days after he admitted being nude in a hot tub with a teenage girl 25 years ago. No word on his future plans, though Garn may consult on a movie about the story, filmed by Roman Polanski.

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Matt Stairs, 42, is hoping to make the San Diego Padres roster this year, which will give him the record amongst position players for playing for the most major league baseball teams. 11 – plus the Pittsburgh Pirates.

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Actually, Stairs is so old he can remember when the Pittsburgh Pirates WERE a major league baseball team.

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Ducks in the Soup.

March 13, 2010

Oregon running back LaMichael James has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for a domestic violence charge. And quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has pled guilty to second-degree burglary. Plus several other Ducks have been involved in “police incidents” this winter, some of them with charges pending. With all the different uniforms the Oregon football team has, maybe it’s time for them to add one with stripes.

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Nike actually manufactures all the uniforms for the University of Oregon teams. So considering the all those incidents and arrests involving the Ducks, plus of course the Tiger Woods story, maybe the company should change their slogan.

How about “Just do it. Just don’t get caught?”

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Actually the problem might be taking that “Just Do It” a little too literally. Another idea. “Just Think Before You Just Do It?”

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From Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s point of view this is got to be interesting. Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Massoli has now been suspended for a year after pleading guilty to burglary charges. And USC’s status is still up in the air between the NCAA investigation and the arrival of Lane Kiffin. A few more scandals and Cardiinal could find themselves a frontrunner for the Rose Bowl.

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76 Gasoline is running a commercial about a hypothetical “Ticket Talker,” a phone app that will provide you with a number of excuses for getting out of a speeding ticket. But they forgot the easiest one “Officer, it’s a Toyota.”

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Even though Gavin Newsom is running for lieutenant governor, he still wishes that his name would be on the ballot this fall as the Democratic nominee for governor. You know what, so does Meg Whitman.

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From Bill Littlejohn again: The Amy Winehouse Clothing Collection is coming in the fall.The Personal Property Department at Scotland Yard apologized for the delay

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Utah House majority leader Kevin Garn has admitted that 25 years ago when he was 28, he was naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl, and paid her to keep quiet about it. His fellow Republicans in the state can’t decide whether to be shocked, or just grateful that it was a girl.

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Go Cardinal…

March 12, 2010

Actually, for the men’s basketball team most of this year it’s been “Go, please go. Far away.” But they have moments…like tonight.

Stanford men’s basketball team, 13-17, faced ASU, 22-9 in the opening game of the Pac 10 tournament, after having been swept by the Sun Devils in the regular season. And the Cardinal won easily 70-61. Two more wins and Stanford gets an NCAA automatic bid. If so, start investing in ski resorts in Hell.

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The “Big Game” between Stanford and Cal-Berkeley has been changed this year from December 4, to November 20, because it conflicted with Stanford’s final exam schedule. Stanford football players said they were relieved. Cal players asked “what are final exams?”

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The San Francisco Giants have gotten off to a 7-1 start this spring. Unfortunately, these Cactus League games are meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.

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While he mulls over long-term options, Conan O’Brien has announced that 30 city stage tour starting in April. The show will be titled “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television.” But hasn’t that phrase already been copyrighted by Saturday Night Live?
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From Bill Littlejohn: With Robert DeNiro playing Vince Lombardi in an ESPN film, you can bet the Packers had a dangerous taxi squad.

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Now that SF Mayor Gavin Newsom has decided – surprise- that he will run for Lieutenant Governor, there is word that one of his harshest critics amongst city supervisors, Chris Daly, may endorse him. Should we be surprised? Daly would do more than that to get Newsom out of San Francisco.
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A conservative small town in Mississippi has cancelled their senior prom, rather than allow one student to attend with her same sex date. Which is a shame on many levels, because with the town’s anti-sex education stance, the girls would at least have meant one couple had no risk of a prom-night pregnancy.

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Commie pinko time.

Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid’s wife and daughter were hospitalized with serious injuries after a car accident. Fortunately the injuries were not life-threatening. Even more fortunately, they have health insurance.

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New York, New York…

March 11, 2010

More and more staffers keep coming forward regarding alleged groping and harrassment in New York Congressman Rick Massa’s office. If this keeps up future similar incidents may be known as “Massa-bation.”

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At first the allegations against Massa came from only one male staffer. But the additional complaints change things – it is no longer just a “he said he said” situation.

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And okay, how many predicted this? All these sex scandals in New York politics. And Senator Clinton’s husband isn’t a part of any of them.

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Nomar Garciaparra, one of the most beloved players ever at Fenway, signed a one day contract with Boston, so he could retire as a member of the Red Sox. And over in Green Bay, fans are telling Brett Favre, “Don’t even THINK about it.”

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Rush Limbaugh has said he will leave the U.S. for Costa Rica if a health care reform bill passes. In related news, the government of Costa Rica has just made a $1,000,000 donation to the Tea Party movement.

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University of Oregon star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli had a short stint in juvenile hall for his role in a series of robberies in high school when he was 17. Now he has been charged with burglary in Eugene. No wonder the guy has such a good 40 yard dash time – he’s needed it to avoid the cops.

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The charges against Masoli bring the total of arrests and charges against Oregon football players to five since the Rose Bowl, with several other players accused in lesser incidents. If this keeps up, Chip Kelly’s next addition to the team playbook could be memorizing responses to “You have the right to remain silent.”

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The Cincinnati Bengals have signed free agent wide receiver Antonio Bryant, which means they will probably NOT offer a contract to Terrell Owens. Which does answer one question. Yes, there are actually players who are considered too much trouble even for the Bengals.

My friend Alex Kaseberg has a good post today on his blog (www.thordoggie.blogspot.com) about Howard’s Stern’s comments about Gabourie Sidibe’s weight. Fortunately for Gabourie, she has the option of doing something about her weight as she gets older. Whereas Howard Stern is congenitally an a**hole.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom who will be term-limited out in 2011, says he hasn’t decided about running for Lieutenant Governor, because if elected he doesn’t want to leave the city in the hands of an interim mayor for the remainder of his term. I guess he figures he did that enough while he was running for Governor.

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Special delivery?

March 10, 2010

A 32 year old Kentucky woman , who says she didn’t know she was pregnant, successfully delivered her own baby in her laundry room today. Then the new mom even picked her other son up from school before she went with the baby to the hospital.

No, we don’t need sex education in school. Why?

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With “the Hurt Locker,” Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman director to win an Academy Award. This might also be the first time, in speaking of the Iraq War, that we can really talk about a mission accomplished.

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The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Toronto Raptors 109-107 to end a week that featured a three game losing streak. Thereby relieving all their fans who forgot that for the Lakers, the regular season is the equivalent of spring training.

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But how spoiled are Laker fans? Had the losing streak continued a few more games, Kobe Bryant was thinking he would have to buy them all jewelry.

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A Canadian reporter decided to follow up on the thrilling gold medal hockey game by calling random Americans and asking if they were now watching more NHL games. About 10 percent said “yes”, 10 percent said “no,” and 80 percent said “What’s the NHL?”

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The Washington Wizards, 21-38, are having such a hard time attracting fans that they have joined with Dunkin Donuts shops in the DC area for an amazing new promotion: Buy five cups of coffee and you get two free Wizards tickets. Even better, when you buy that much coffee, you’ll be peeing enough that you won’t have to see most of the game.
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Starbucks has decided not to get involved in the “Open Carry” debate, and thus will not ban customers lawfully bringing guns into their stores. In the meantime, the chain has introducted a new larger sized 31 ounce coffee called the “Trenta. Weapons and triple expressos? What could possibly go wrong?

Many Californians still find it unbelievable that Ray Ashburn not only voted against gay rights but is still defending those votes, even after admitting he is a gay man. But on the other hand, I believe Phyllis Schlafly has admitted she is a woman.

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Another thought on Ray Ashburn being a gay man and voting against gay rights? Maybe he was following the lead of Robert Ensign and Mark Sanford who both supported DOMA? (Defense of Marriage Act)
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Recent polls show a surprising number of New Yorkers want embattled governor David Paterson not to resign but to finish his term. Of course, most of those supporters are aspiring comedy writers.

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Vladimir Guerrero, playing now for the Texas Rangers when the Angels declined to re-sign him, says he feels he is still a productive player. And I believe him. Because if Vlad was on an unstoppable downhill slide he would have finally been signed by the SF Giants.

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Great Benjamin Franklin quote found by my friend Ray Di Fazio. “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” Which means that the hardest working woman in America is probably Sarah Palin.”

Elinor Burker, who interrupted her fellow director’s Oscar acceptance speech Sunday night now, says SHE was the one who was wronged because he should have let her do all the talking.

Even Kanye West says she is over the top.

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The Hurt Locker and beyond….

March 9, 2010

This year’s best picture winner, “The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which I think might be less than taking your family to a game in seats behind home plate at Yankee Stadium.

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“The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which could mean that more people voted for the movie than actually saw it.

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In an effort to increase box-office receipts, there’s a rumor a sequel to the movie may feature some of the original cast along with Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro – working title “The Hurt Fockers.”
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While giving a speech in Calgary, Sarah Palin said that when she was growing up – “We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn’t that ironic?” “Ironic?” Not so much. “Hypocritical as hell?” Yes.

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ABC and Cablevision settled their disagreement 13 minutes into the Oscars, meaning that Cablevision users got to see almost all the awards show, except for the opening song and dance number, and Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin’s monologue.

But after some discussion, Cablevision decided not to charge customers extra for the omission.

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In related news, fans in the greater New York area have asked that any future disputes Cablevision has end up being resolved in a way that blacks out the Knicks.

The Hurt Locker” may have won best picture. In Chicago, however, most people still probably think the title refers to the clubhouse space that gets punched by Ozzie Guillen during his regular tantrums.

Not to be confused with the space that used to belong to Frank Thomas – “The Big Hurt Locker.”

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Republican California State Senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for a DUI Saturday after leaving a Sacramento gay bar with a male companion. Ashburn then actually came out Monday and admitted he was gay.

The senator did say, however, that he felt his anti-gay votes had been appropriate, because they simply “reflected his constituents’ wishes.” Yo Roy, your constituents also have wished for increased state services that they didn’t have to pay for with state taxes… Hmm, maybe I’m seeing how California got in this budget mess.

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After his admission, Ashburn declined to discuss details of his personal life or his previous votes. You almost expected to hear him say “Well, that was in the past.”

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As much as I would like to on this subject I will refrain from making a joke with the punchline… “But he claims he didn’t inhale.”

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United Airlines says last month’s winter storms along the East Coast cost it $40 million in revenue. You know what that means – coming soon to your next airline ticket purchase – a “snow surcharge.”

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Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner seem to be stopping at nothing in their quest to re-invent themselves as born-again Conservatives to appeal as much as possible to Republican primary voters. Well, at least Californians know that neither of them will attempt to court conservatives by driving on a Nascar track. At this point, both of them seem categorically unable even to hint at turning to the left.

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And the award goes to…

March 8, 2010

On Oscar night Americans always learn two things- First, the names of the winners of a number of awards. Second, with most most of the attendees wearing outfits that cost at least five figures (before jewelry), that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

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So congrats to Kathryn Bigelow, who won both best director and best picture for “The Hurt Locker.” But really, wonder how many of those votes were for having the good sense to divorce James Cameron?

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(Btw, Oscar commentators this year like to talk about how great it is that “older women” won and how young they look. (Best Director Kathryn Bigelow is 58, Best Actress Sandra Bullock is 45.) So what about older men..?.(Best Actor Jeff Bridges is 61.)

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My very funny and otherwise intelligent friend Rich Lieberman refers to George Clooney as a “giant hemorrhoid.” With all due respect Rich, if Cooney were a hemorrhoid, lack of sales from women would put Preparation H out of business.,

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It’s that time of year again – March Madness. And there’s also the NCAA basketball tournament starting soon, in addition to the usual spring training delusions of Cubs fans about a World Series championship,

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US Airways pilot, Charles “Sully” Sullenberger, 59, has retired from US Airways. Apparently he wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren, instead of being directed by them from the control tower.

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Both GM and Ford have announced recent sales increases. I believe the unofficial title of these successful campaigns is “I love what you do for me, Toyota.”

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