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Moving on, or not…

August 25, 2010

The NFL fined Ochocinco $25,000 for two Twitter violations during the Bengals-Eagles preseason game. Well, good to see the Cincinnati receiver is in midseason form.

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Tiger Woods’ now ex-wife Elin was featured on the cover of People Magazine for what she said was her first and last interview. Well, at least until someone makes her a better offer.

(Nothing against Elin here, who probably had no idea quite what she was getting into with Woods….but on the other hand, expecting a quiet, private life being married to the most famous golfer in the world, who had a playboy reputation as a single man. Well, let’s just say that Hillary Clinton had to be thinking, “Yeah, right, honey.”)

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To err is human, to forgive apparently is not Johnny Damon’s policy.

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Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner: “OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

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The SF Giants scored 12 runs Monday and 16 runs Tuesday against Cincinnati. Since when did the Reds’ pitching staff get replaced by the Bengals defense?

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In Alaska, Gulf War veteran Joe Miller has about a 1900 vote lead over Senator Lisa Murkowski in the GOP primary. He says Sarah Palin’s endorsement was “pivotal.” Of course, that could mean without her endorsement he’d be ahead by 10,000 votes.

But really, 1900 votes in a statewide race? In California that’s the approximate total every election of voters who write in “Mickey Mouse.”

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Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, is coming out with a book on parenting advice. Wouldn’t that be kind of like buying a book on decision making from Brett Favre?

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Miss Mexico won the Miss Universe title. The other contestants congratulated her and in a display of customary pageant sportsmanship immediately then tried to have her deported.

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Google announced Wednesday that they will compete with Skype by allowing Gmail users will be able to make free phone calls to the U.S. and Canada from within the e-mail service. Said most Gmail users under 25… what’s a phone call?

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Sean Connery is 80. Which means 007 now takes his martinis “shaken not stirred,” or was it “stirred not shaken”, or, was it….. “Hell, just give me some vodka.”

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Knowing when to quit?

August 24, 2010

The judge in the Roger Clemens case has issued a gag order. Shame for the Rocket that someone didn’t issue one to him before he voluntarily testified.

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The Basketball World Championships begin this Sunday in Istanbul, officially known as the FIBA (Fédération Internationale de Basketball Amateur) championships.

Basketball Amateur? Sounds like a Wizards-Clippers game.

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Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner:

“OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

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Tyler Thomas, 19, a now former Oregon State University offensive lineman, has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked in a stranger’s home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.

Apparently after a call, the police showed up, ordered him to surrender and Thomas then dropped into a football formation and charged the officers.

The young man has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest. A police spokesman also says “he was absolutely intoxicated. Really? What was their first clue?

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A team of students from Canadian universities are teaming up with several Canadian companies to make an electric vehicle out of hemp (cannabis). The cars will hold up to three passengers, reach 55 miles an hour and go for up to 100 miles without having to be recharged. The only problem, they keep stopping at 7-11s and doughnut shops.

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Christina Applegate says she is going to be the worlds first hippie type A mom. Is she kidding? Has she never been around any “hippie type” mom faced with the option of feeding her baby non-organic food?

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For SF Giants fans – okay, Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria may have been disasterous signings. But on the brighter side….Brian Sabean didn’t offer a contract to Manny Ramirez.

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Sammy Sosa is upset that the Cubs haven’t retired his number. Disillusioned Cubs fans are telling Sammy to “put a cork in it.”

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from Marc Ragovin on the same subject: Sammy Sosa has accused the Cubs of disrespecting him by assigning his #21 to a current player. “Well someone has a swelled head.

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Another comment from Gary Morton on T.O. – about his open letter to Cincinnati fans: “Terrell Owens says he has matured. Had he not written it in crayon, he might be more believable.
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Goodbye Sweet Lou…

August 23, 2010

A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.

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Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.
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Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.

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Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.

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Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.

Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.

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A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.

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from Alex Kaseberg:

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

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Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.

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from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.

He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.

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In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.
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As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Commitment and maturity.

August 22, 2010

Brett Favre apparently stressed his “commitment” to the Vikings in a team meeting. Commitment? Right. Can you imagine Favre at his wedding? “Do you take this woman…” “Uh, I think I …I’d really like to…. can I get back to you on that?”

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Vin Scully just announced he will return to the Dodgers for his 62th season in 2011. Let’s hope Brett Favre doesn’t find out about this.

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62 seasons? Scully just missed Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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‎”Eat, Pray, Love,” has now taken in $47 million in two weeks in the U.S. Which must mean at least a few dozen men have now seen the movie.

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or

How warm has it been in much of the U.S.? Given a choice between mowing the lawn and going with their wives to see “Eat, Pray, Love” it looks like some men have actually decided to go to the movie.

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In an open letter to Cincinnati fans, Terrell Owens says he has matured. This might be true . On the other hand, wine in a box matures too, but that still doesn’t mean you want to touch the stuff.

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Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said Sunday that he won’t rule out returning to politics. If he can find someone offering an office at a fair price.
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Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows.

In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy.

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from t.c.

Tom Hanks to Lou Pinella – “Crying?, crying?… there’s no crying in baseball!!!!” Oh yes there is, say season’s ticket holders of the Pirates, Cubs, Mets, Royals, Mariners and Orioles

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Many Americans say it’s not that they’re anti-Muslim, but a Islamic Center near Ground Zero seems inappropriate near American sacred ground. Well, Turkish Muslims seem to be coping with the McDonalds’ restaurant near the Blue Mosque.

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Stumbling into the weekend…

August 21, 2010

More injury news from Boston: Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia went on the DL with an infection in his right leg, the fourth catcher alone on the team to be injured. And second man Dustin Pedroia has soreness in the same foot he broke earlier in the year. If this keeps up, they’ll have to rename the team “The Red Cross Sox.”

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It’s been a tough year for Red Sox fans with so many of their starters are hurt. And a rough year for Mets fans because their starters are healthy.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is still dealing with fallout from his profanity laced tirade on Hard Knocks. Guess no one around the Jets had heard that much swearing since fans watched Brett Favre was around throwing all those interceptions.

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From Bill Littlejohn.

“Jets coach Rex Ryan met with Tony Dungy in a ‘man to man talk’ over Ryan’s use of profanity on ‘Hard Knocks’. Isn’t this kind of the football equivalent of Gandhi meeting with Andrew Dice Clay”

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A 20 year old was inspired to climb up on a railing while waiting for the Tower of Terror ride at Disney’s California Adventure. He fell 25 feet and was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. A police spokesman said “there are some indications that the man had been drinking.” Yes, and there are some indications Brett Favre is a drama queen.

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from Marc Ragovin:

When someone asked Roger Clemens’ lawyer what his client’s strategy would be, his alleged response “First get the case moved to Chicago.”

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Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle apparently was once involved in a campaign against a local high school’s use of black football jerseys. During which she said the black uniforms were ungodly and wicked. After last year’s Super Bowl, she’d probably get some votes now from Indianapolis Colts fans.

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A USA Today sportswriter said that the T.O-Ochocinco pairing is either a “dynamic combination” or an implosion waiting to happen. Strikes me that’s not an either/or proposition.

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A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

August 20, 2010

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

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My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”

Really?

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Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.

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Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.

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One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.

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The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.

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Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

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An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”

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Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”

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Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

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President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”

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Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.
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Darwin award of the year.

August 19, 2010

Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Frank Ryan who was killed when he drove off a cliff, was allegedlyy tweeting about his border collie at the time of the accident. The dog, who was in the car, survived the crash. Talk about survival of the fittest – Darwin would be proud.

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Maybe the guy thought he could multi-task because he did all those surgeries at the same time on Heidi Montag and they turned out so well…. Oops, never mind.
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Brett Favre has announced he will return to the Vikings for “one more try” at a Super Bowl. Right. “One more try” for Favre has about the same meaning as, “I do” for Larry King.
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So instead of sports highlights, lately Sportcenter seems to lead with sagas – Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Lebron James, Tiger Woods… when did ESPN turn into People magazine?

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Lebron James now says he’s not sure the Cleveland Cavaliers owner “ever cared about Lebron” and he doesn’t regret making the ESPN special -“The Decision”

Hmm, ALS may have been misnamed Lou Gehrig’s disease, but the American Psychiatric Association is now considering renaming narcissism “Lebron James Personality Disorder.”

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A little perspective for a certain quarterback Vin Scully has been broadcasting Dodgers games for 60 years. And he hasn’t retired and unretired once.

In the “politics makes strange bedfellows” department, this might be one of this year’s winners: The 25,000-member Northern California District Council of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union has endorsed Prop 19 – the initiative to legalize marijuana

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Apparently Sarah Palin has posted Tweets encouraging Dr. Laura and defending her “1st.Amend rights” Figures. Birdbrains of a feather….

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Sarah Palin has been defending Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s first amendment rights, at the same time decrying the media coverage of the whole “N” word saga.

Note to Sarah, if you are going to defend an amendment, best to read it. There’s that little issue of “freedom of the press.”

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A joint joke with Alex Kaseberg, who started it off:

“Andrew Lloyd Weber’s songs will be available on a karaoke game on Xbox 360. This will be for all of those guys who love to sing show tunes on karaoke and play Xbox. What? Excuse me? This just in: there is no such thing as a guy who likes to sing karaoke show tunes and play Xbox.”

Actually there are such guys, especially in Northern California. Actually, the Andrew Lloyd Webber Karaoke game is likely to be a hot item on wedding registries, if the state ever overturns Prop 8.

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More worrisome, however, is this possibility. What if some college freshman brings the karaoke game to their dorm room in a state with “open-carry” gun laws. Could get ugly.

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Decisions, decisions, decisions..

August 18, 2010

The Brett Favre saga continues. Apparently the Vikings let three active players leave practice to fly down to Mississippi to try to convince the 40 year quarterback to return.

Note to Minnesota, if you have to beg, he’s just not that into you.

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On the other hand, ESPN remains in love with the story. Sportscenter is turning into “Decision; the Miniseries.”

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But back to basketball, now Carmelo Anthony is wondering whether he should opt out of his contract with the Denver Nuggets, or sign his extension, or just demand a trade. Because he feels he should be able to go play with his friends too, and win a championship ring.

So when did the NBA become the “Narcissists Basketball Association?”

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Apparently this year the Cleveland Cavaliers will have new uniforms, with altered colors and bolder lettering on the front. Wonder if that lettering will include the phrase “Lebron sucks?”

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As the San Francisco Giants go through another rough patch in their season while they are fighting for a playoff spot, it does remind us that there are advantages to being a Cubs fan. None of this late-August/September stress.

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Cher is working on a new album, but the 64-year-old diva says that fans “shouldn’t expect the same dance music” heard on her 1998 album, “Believe.”

Dance music? How about walker music?

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Yet another example of why winning isn’t everything. Daughtry, who finished fourth on season five of American Idol, is appearing on the “NBC Today Show Concert Series” Friday. Meanwhile, Taylor Hicks, that season’s winner, is appearing this weekend at the Rrazz Room in the San Francisco Nikko Hotel, capacity 186 people.

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After being criticized for her repeated use of the “N word,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger said she is giving up her radio show because she wants to “regain her free speech” rights, and “move onto other venues where I could say my piece and not have to live in fear anymore.” Hmm, wonder what position she will have at Fox News?

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Quote of the day on Newt Gringrch “He is a political opportunist;, what Newt is doing is he’s trying to get out and be more flamboyant and more charismatic, if you will, and more controversial than Sarah Palin” And the quote is from that flaming liberal Pat Buchanan.

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Absolutely agree that President Obama can be too nuanced. But as to him saying that there is a right to do something without commenting on the wisdom of doing it, well that’s a concept most parents of college students who are legally adults are very familar with….

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Ironic actually, that our first mixed-race president seems to have so many problems with nuanced statements. Because so many Americans just seem to want answers in black and white.

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Another one bites the dust…

August 17, 2010

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)

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The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?

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At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?

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Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

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Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?

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Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

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Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.

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So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.

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Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”

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“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

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Weekend follies.

August 16, 2010

A-Rod hits three home runs on Saturday, numbers 602, 603 and 604. Purists, however, say the homers should have an asterisks – they were hit against the Royals.

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Meanwhile at the PGA Championship, this great line from Marc Ragovin: There was a disturbing moment Sunday as Tiger Woods blurted out “[bleep] me” after making a poor shot, and 15 women came running out of the gallery

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President Obama’s Florida swim to prove the water was safe resulted in some mixed feelings from conservatives. Half of them said, “What a silly stunt, of course we know the oil won’t hurt anyone.” The other half said “Think he could go back and swim a few more times?””

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Tim Tebow fans are convinced that his seven yard touchdown run in tonight’s game proves he can be an NFL quarterback. Realists point out that it was on the last play of a pre-season game against the Bengals, which means he probably means he faced a tougher defense in the Sugar Bowl against the University of Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Are Las Vegas oddsmakers nuts? SF Giants are 6 to 1 odds to win NL pennant. Sounds reasonable but as of today the Mets are the SAME odds. Really.

When any reader finds somewhere giving 1-6 odds against the Mets winning the pennant, please let me know.

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Today was marked at Graceland as the 33rd anniversary of Elvis’s passing. Whats the difference between Elvis fans and New York fans? New York fans know the Mets are dead.
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Miami Heat forward Udonis Haslem was arrested Sunday for possession of marijuana following a traffic stop in Miami-Dade County. With all the expectations of Miami this year, let’s hope this isn’t the team’s high point.

Bizarre stat of the week: the item Walmart sells more of than any other is…bananas.

A few years ago, I was able to visit a Dole banana processing plant in Costa Rica. And the guide explained -off the record- that the biggest problem the plant had was no Costa Ricans wanting to do the work there, so they were overloaded with iillegal Nicaraguans who snuck across the border. Hmm, where have I heard that before?

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Onamatopoeia and beyond.

August 15, 2010

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”

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Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.

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The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets

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Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?
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JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.

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A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?

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While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)

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The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.

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This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.

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Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.

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Eat, pray, love…

August 14, 2010

The movie “Eat, Pray, Love” opened Friday.

That’s the chick flick. Apparently there will be a sequel for men “Drink, belch, sleep.”

Or the Rick Pitino documentary version “Drink, Stray, Lie.

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Raiders owner Al Davis says Jason Campbell could be another Jim Plunkett. At this point Oakland fans are just hoping he’s not another Jamarrcus Russell.

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San Francisco International Airport now has free wi-fi. So now passengers can go online to see why their flight is delayed.

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from reader T.C. -“When NY Jets holdout Derelle Revis was asked who his mentor was, he replied “Butthead.”

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Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the “Cathy” comic strip, has announced she is ending the strip in October after 34 years. “That’s really awful,” said several million women and about two men.

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The San Francisco Giants picked up Jose Guillen, a “big bat” reputed to have a bad attitude. Manager Bruce Bochy isn’t worried though. If Guillen gets out of line he will have Pablo Sandoval sit on him.

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Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, along with the university president and athletic director, have a hearing Saturday with the NCAA about five alleged major rules violations related to practices and workouts. Considering the Wolverines’ 8-16 record under Rodriguez, the school will argue that keeping him on is punishment enough.

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Things are different in the South. Some Republicans are attacking one of their own candidates in the Attorney General race because she is…divorced. No matter that Pam Blondi is a pro-life, Christian Republican who is also an analyst for Fox News. Wonder if they will “refudiate” Ronald Reagan next?
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized for using the “N-word” on the air several times, saying she was only “trying to make a philosophical point.” I believe the “N-word” that most applies to Dr. Laura is “nitwit.”

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Ben Quayle, son of the former Vice President, has denied then admitted that in 2007 he wrote for a porn site. But he did add that he spelled all his posts correctly.

And hey, in his defense, how many politicians can say they wrote something people actually wanted to read?

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Quayle is also in trouble for a mailer showing him and his wife with two young girls, a mailer that said “We are going to raise our family here.” Turns out the girls were his nieces.

“Give the guy a break, family relationships can be complicated.” noted Woody Allen.

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Base-brawls etc.

August 13, 2010

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto has been suspended seven games for his part in a brawl with the St Louis Cardinals that resulted in at least one injury. No word on if Cueto will be disciplined further by the Reds but apparently he has received at least a tentative offer from the Bengals.

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After an altercation with his father-in-law, Mets closer K-Rod was arrested and charged with criminal assault. After blowing a 9-2 lead in the eighth against the Phillies and losing 10-9, however, wonder if the Dodgers bullpen will be arrested and charged with criminal negligence?-

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On a brighter note for New Yorkers, there’s now a Pop Tarts store in Times Square. For all those folks who would normally go to the Hershey’s store but are on a health kick.

Wonder how they came up with New York for the store. Guess they figured locals have always been looking for some kind of food they could actually toast and eat out of hand for breakfast?

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Okay, some either fascinating or useless baseball trivia, not that those are mutually exclusive. Whether or not they make the playoffs, the Giants lead the majors in Golden Spike award winners (top amateur player in the country.) Buster Posey – 2008, Tim Lincecum -2006, Pat Burrell -1998.

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Another weird baseball item. Today in San Francisco at the Giants-Cubs game, it was a 7-7 game in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, and Andres Torres hits a ball that bounces over the fence. Giants won 8-7. Shouldn’t a ground-rule double make the final score 9-7? (A home run would have made the score 11-7.)

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The U.S. Womens gymnastics team finally received their Olympic bronze medals, ten years after the fact, because the Chinese team was found to be underage. Meanwhile, the young women from that Chinese team have hopes of winning this year’s All-Asia High School Championship.

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The latest craziness in the citizenship wars is the rumor that women are coming here to the U.S. to have “terror babies. All these cute little U.S. citizen babies who will grow up to become terrorists? Doesn’t that at least temporarily describe most American teenagers?.

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Senator John McCain said today that Snookie was “too good-looking to go to jail.” Said former Governor Rod Blagojevich, “hey, that’s MY excuse.”

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Maxine Waters’ grandson has apparently been working as her chief of staff. Many Republicans have been condeming her for nepotism, but not for some reason, our most recent ex-president.

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In California, it looks like both Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman have finally come out against repealing the 14th amendment. While we’re on the subject of amendments, however, many voters would feel more better about both women had they actually been taking advantage of the 19th.

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Reality, what reality?

August 11, 2010

Let’s get the really tacky one out of the way.. Anyone with delicate sensibilities please skip the first one (although in that case, what are you doing reading this blog anyway?)

Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff.

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New USC coach Lane Kiffin has apparently suspended one of the top stars on his team, freshman running back Dillon Baxter, for the team’s season opener against Hawaii on Sept. 2. Well, that ought to get the spread down under 50.

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Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will apparently be charged with assault after a postgame fight which resulted in his father-in-law being taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Unfortunate, but New York fans knew it had to be a pitcher in that situation…Mets batters couldn’t hit anyone.

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From Marc Ragovin, “I’m not saying Mets manager Jerry Manuel — who is likely to be fired at season’s end — is planning to go out with a bang, but word is he spent all day yesterday playing with his grandkids’ water slide.”

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The jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial might be deadlocked. You know what that means….the former Illinois governor could wind up doing less time than Lindsay Lohan.

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A contractor hired to paint the word “school” on the road near a High School in North Carolina made it a “shcool” zone. Well, I guess that answers that question – “Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?”

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California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China.

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Chris Bosh said he was surprised by the negative reaction to LeBron’s primetime special. “I didn’t really see it coming.” Are you kidding Chris? Even Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming.

Reality show “stars” Michele and Jim Bob Duggars, whose 19th child was born three months premature and almost died, have said they would like a 20th child. “Are you nuts?” commented the Octomom.

(But really, 20? Are they trying to complete a family or win at blackjack?)

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A man has been sentenced to six months in jail for fondling a maternity nurse who was wheeling the man’s pregnant girlfriend to the delivery room. That Levi Johnston sure keeps busy.

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Qantas Airways of Australia posted a 4.3 percent drop (from 117 million down to $AU 112 million), in their annual profit for the year ending in June 2010, Said U.S. airlines… what’s an annual profit?

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Things we won’t hear anytime soon…

August 11, 2010

As we move into the late stages of summer, a few statements we won’t probably hear….

Terrell Owens – “What went wrong with my last team was completely my fault.”

Cubs fans- “You know, waiting until next year probably won’t be any different from this year.

Brett Favre “And that’s my final answer.”

Anyone at Fox News “The President really handled that situation well.”

Sarah Palin “I don’t know the answer and I’m not going to try to fake it.”

Any politician “You know, we have a choice, raise taxes or cut services. Which do you want?”

(more to come, and more reader comments encouraged.)

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At Vikings training camp, Minnesota wide receiver Percy Harvin has been out on leave from practice because of migraine headaches. That’s odd, usually the only people connected with the Vikings with migraines are fans and coaching staff waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind.

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Levi Johnston is apparently running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, as part of a new reality show. This could be the first time since the 2008 election that “Mayor of Wasilla” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.

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Sarah Palin lambasted the LSM (lamestream media) for reporting her confrontation today with a woman in Alaska who had made a “Worst Governor Ever” sign. Why is it that so many people who love to defend the second amendment seem to have a problem with the first?

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The Commerce Department announced today that it is returning to the Treasury $1.6 billion in savings from the 2010 Census, because they came in under budget. Who are the people in charge here… and can we elect them to Congress?

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Jodie Fisher, the woman at the center of the investigation that caused HP CEO Mark Hurd to resign, said it “wasn’t about sex.” Maybe she’d be just a tad more believable if she hadn’t hired the same celebrity lawyer as Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress?

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Reader Gary Morton’s comment on the HP payoffs – A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina….no wonder my HP toner cartridge costs $2,000./each.
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Houston linebacker Brian Cushing tested claims he tested positive for elevated levels of HCG because of he ‘overtrained.” Well at least that’s one problem Washington’s Albert Haynesworth will never have.

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A JetBlue flight attendant finally lost it and dramatically quit his job because of an obnoxious, rude customer. And he has become a national folk hero. Just one question, how long before something similar happens at Starbucks?

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Actually two questions. The police have not yet formally decided what charges to levy against Mr. Slater. And their biggest problem, how are they ever going to find 12 Americans willing to convict him?

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Other airlines watched the Slater story with interest. Wonder who will be the first to consider start using the emergency chute to offer a “priority disembarkation fee?

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High into the San Francisco Night….

August 10, 2010

Many San Francisco fans may recognize, “There it goes, high into the San Francisco Night” as a home run call from Jon Miller….

But on a related note? Monday night’s Giants-Cubs game at A T and T Park in San Francisco was also Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead night. Best line of the night, from retired player and current broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, alluding to all the Deadheads at the game, “that’s not fog wafting up to the bridge…”

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Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez.

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Maybe Cushing mean “Overstraining,” as in “Overstraining credibility.”

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NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play a pair of regular-season games in London this season. And we accuse China of exporting poor quality junk overseas..

or

The NBA has announced that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play two regular season games in 2011 in London. So much for David Stern’s promise of having meaningful games in Europe before the 2012 Olympics.

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How can you miss him if he won’t go away department:

Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California.

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Question of the night – You go to a sporting event, it starts on time. You go to a movie, at least the previews start on time. So why is it when you go to a concert, you’re lucky if the opening act starts half an hour after the time on the tickets?

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Jodie Fisher is the reality television and one-time R-rated movie actress, whose lawsuit led to the resignation of HP CEO Mark Hurd. She issued a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred saying,”I was surprised and saddened that Mark Hurd lost his job over this, that was not my intention.” Stay tuned for her next role, on the new show – “Dancing with the Skanks.”

(open note to Ms. Fisher, if you DON’T want to look like a skank and a publicity whore, maybe it would be a good idea not to hire as a lawyer the woman who is most recently known for representing Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress.)

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A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina…. If they really want to help the California economy, maybe Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown should both consider a campaign promise to be both hired and fired as HP CEO, and then give their severance package to the state.

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Vacations, probations, etc…

August 9, 2010

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.

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All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.
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This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

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The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.

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-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.

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In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

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In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.

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The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”

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The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.

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Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”

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President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.

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Fear of failure?

August 8, 2010

Jerry Rice said at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony that “the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life.” Because he just couldn’t live with the thought of being labeled a failure.

Well at least that we know that fear doesn’t affect anyone on the Cubs.

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Most recently it was Kate Hudson, now it’s Cameron Diaz dating Alex Rodriguez. Considering what a shallow, self-centered egotist A-Rod seems to be, how bad must male actors be to make him look like good relationship material by comparison?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

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You think you had a bad day -how about this pitching line Friday night from losing Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, who came in in the eighth with a 2-1 lead. 0 innings pitched, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 earned runs. Yikes.

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One day after the above Mets debacle, where New York ended up giving in 6 runs in the eighth, Johan Santana pitched into the eighth, and Mets manager Jerry Manuel went immediately to closer Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets won 1-0.

So for at least a day, filming was put off on “CSI- New York Bullpen.”

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As Marc Ragovin said, “how dire are things getting for the Mets? Their games may soon be broadcast on the Emergency Broadcast Network.”

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Despite a dismal past tenure, ranging from poor draft picks, to an $11 million dollar sexual harrassment settlement, to a horrible record as a coach, the New York Knicks have rehired Isiah Thomas as a consultant.

Who gets rehired with that kind of record? Re-elected, maybe.

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The University of Tennessee’s football program is has now joined the list of those being investigated for major violations, mostly for incidents that happened under Lane Kiffin. Kiffin, now at USC, may set a record for coaching at the most schools put on probation before leading anyone to a bowl game.

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At the University of Kentucky, rumors are swirling that star basketball recruit Anthony Davis was paid $200,000 to commit to the Wildcats. UK denies the allegations. And since their coach, John Calipari, only had his last two teams (Memphis and U Mass) have to forfeit their wins on his watch, who could doubt them?

Actually to be fair, $200,000 does sound like an unbelievable amount. For that much money Davis probably would have gone to USC.

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Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA.
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CEO Carly Fiorina, Chairwoman Patricia Dunn, CEO Mark Hurd…. So when did HP turn into BP?

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Fed up with Franken’s facial gestures and eye-rolling, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told Al Franken “this isn’t Saturday Night Live, Al.” Of course not, some of the stuff senators say with a straight face is far funnier.

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s vacation, and the criticism she is facing from some conservatives. If she had said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Spain but decided that this year I stay close to home with Sasha because of the economy,” no doubt some would have condemned her for pessimism and putting a damper on the recovering travel industry.

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Not exactly the “HP way to go!”

August 7, 2010

Carly Fiorina, the fired former CEO of HP, is now running for Senate in California because she wants to be the Republican version of Barbara Boxer. Does the latest news out of HP mean that Mark Hurd wants to be the Republican version of John Edwards.?

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GOProud, which claims to be the “only national organization supporting gay conservatives, has announced their first annual party “Homocon.” And the event will be headlined by…. Ann Coulter?! Considering all the anti-gay statements Coulter has made, the party will likely be as well attended as a Lebron James pep rally in Cleveland.

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Apparently Mark Hurd, the now former CEO of HP, was “caught” and forced to resign because he falsified expense reports to pay off a female contractor with whom he allegedly had a relationship. Excuse me, the guy made over $24 million in 2009 – he couldn’t have used cash?

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Tacky time. I’ll say one thing for Carly Fiorina, when she screwed HP employees, she kept her clothes on.

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Speaking of tacky,

Famous White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi complained that being interviewed on “The View” was “horrific” and that they wanted to torture her. Not true. The only people “The View” tortures are their viewers.

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USC cornerback T.J. Bryant had to have surgery on his left cheekbone Thursday after an altercation during a drill with a teammate. Guess maybe he should have chosen to play for the Fighting Irish.

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The University of West Virginia football program is being investigated for “major violations,” many of which occurred under former coach Rich Rodriguez before he jumped to the University of Michigan. (where he is also now under investigation.)

Isn’t this like being responsible for your ex-wife’s debts? With the only silver lining being that she is dragging her new boyfriend into bankruptcy too.
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The gift that keeps on giving…. While the San Francisco Giants are leading the NL wild card and are only a game out of first place in the NL West, it doesn’t mean it’s a painless season.

Like reading about the Minnesota Twins’ new ace, Francisco Liriano, who until he got roughed up tonight had been 4-0 since the All-Star break, with a 0.63 ERA while holding hitters to a .168 average.

Why does this hurt? For Giants fans who have repressed the memory, Liriano was a throw-in in the Joe Nathan deal, the one that brought the Giants A.J. Pierzynski.

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From Alex Kaseberg: Newspaper circulations are at an all-time low. To show how low newspaper circulation is, in London they are eating fish and chips off of an Apple lap top.

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And on an actual serious note – congratulations to former Stanford closer Drew Storen, who got his first major league save tonight. Against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Not a bad way to stay popular in the San Francisco area! .

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Fast food and fast times…

August 6, 2010

A woman was found guilty of extortion for demanding millions of dollars from Rick Pitino to keep their “close encounter” in a restaurant secret. Pitino said the sex lasted “15 seconds” and was “unfortunate.”

The University of Louisville for now is sticking by their coach, though Pitino may lose endorsement contracts. On the other hand, he stands to pick up a new offer from “In and Out Burger.”

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Taco Bell is introducing new “Cantina” tacos, which they say can compete with street tacos. Yeah, right, the only way anyone is going to get anything approaching real street tacos at Taco Bell is if one of those trucks is parked in their lot.

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Singer Wyclef Jean has filed the paperwork to run for president of his native Haiti. Well, he has more political experience than Meg Whitman.

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Just how crazy are some of the comments Sharron Angle has been making lately? Apparently even Sarah Palin is thinking of “refudiating” her.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Repair crews in Boston will soon be busy addressing the Green Monster.And once Shaq gets fixed up, attention will be given to Fenway’s left field wall”

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A number of billionaires, including Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison and Bill Gates, have pledged to donate half their wealth to charity. Said Meg Whitman, Jeff Greene and Mike Bloomberg, “Does spending it on running for office count?”

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The University of Texas and Notre Dame have agreed to a four-game football series starting in 2015. This is going to be tough. For sports fans outside Texas and South Bend, Indiana, who do they hate and thus root for to lose more?

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Despite mounting evidence against Lance Armstrong, many fans want to believe he was “clean.” Why is it so hard to believe that someone who has an inspirational story can’t also be a cheater? Hey, Bill Clinton grew up a poor kid with a widowed mom and abusive stepfather.

For Canadian readers: This is an unusual year for Toronto sports fans. This year it looks like the Argonauts may actually stay in playoff contention longer than the Blue Jays.

There are now rumors that Brett Favre sent sexy text messages to a young woman who worked as sideline reporter. Hard to believe, it’s not just that Favre is a married man, but if he were going to “sext” another woman, how would he decide which one?

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Last thought for the night on Prop 8, direct quote from Judge Walker’s decision “Religious leaders may determine independently whether to recognize a civil marriage or divorce but that recognition or lack thereof has no effect on the relationship under state law.” Separation of church and state?! What a concept. This could catch on.

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