Archive for September 2013

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Rai$ing the bar?

September 10, 2013

SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”

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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?

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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.

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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?

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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.

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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?

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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..

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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?

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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?

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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.

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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.

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Southern family values.

September 10, 2013

George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun.  So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.

 

North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35)  The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,

 

My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”

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It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.

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Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.

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But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.

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The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.

 

The Washington Redskins are 0-1  #IblameObama

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Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.

 

 

A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.

 

But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game.  It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.

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A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.”  So do we blame Obama?

 

It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?

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The Royal not always known as Prince?

September 8, 2013

Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.

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A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.

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Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison

 

–115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s  almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.

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Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.

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Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”

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From T.C.   “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”

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Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”

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With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted  NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.

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Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….

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Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.

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NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.

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Light up the night?

September 8, 2013

The 2020 Olympics has been awarded to Tokyo. The city was an early favorite but has been dealing with mounting worries over the Fukushima nuclear plant. Well, on a brighter note, we could end up with the first glow-in-the-dark Olympic medals.

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In the first America’s Cup race the two boats have come within inches of each other several times. Now, that’s a way to increase viewership – demolition derby?

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During their upset lost to Miami, Florida had to burn a critical 4th quarter time out because of 12 men on the field during a PAT. Maybe this will prompt a new SEC emphasis on athletes taking math?

 

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Meanwhile, Stanford won 34-13 over San Jose State, beating the Spartans soundly but not covering the spread. Although coach David Shaw basically had the Cardinal kneel down in San Jose State territory for the last couple minutes of the game to run out the clock.

Stanford fans know  Jim Harbaugh is well and truly gone – he’d have probably called passes into the end zone and then gone for two.

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SI is planning to publish articles about alleged “inappropriate activities and actions” from 2001-2007 in Oklahoma State’s football program -including athletes being paid, drug abuse, grade changes, and hostesses providing sex to recruits. And gosh, what ever happened to the Cowboys’ coach from that time?

(For football fans who don’t follow it that closely, the coach from 2001-2004 was Les Miles. Since 2005 he has coached LSU.)

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When Irish eyes are crying: Notre Dame 30, Michigan 41.

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From Jerry Perisho:  “This season, Manti Teo’s imaginary girlfriend dates a player from Michigan.”

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Washington State 10,  USC 7.  “Gosh do we wish we had hired Lane Kiffin as our coach” said no NCAA school anywhere.

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There may be a more useless trend at games than having fans tweet random messages to put on the scoreboard. But offhand hard to think of one.

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All these GOP members of Congress waxing so poetically about our need to avoid military intervention in the Mideast. I do imagine at “The Daily Show” interns are working overtime taking notes and saving video clips for future use.

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So Dennis Rodman made another visit to his good friend Kim Jong Un. Guessing the Worm didn’t bring a copy of his ex-girlfriend Madonna’s “Sex” book.

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The 2014 Super Bowl halftime act will be… Bruno Mars? Is that because an outdoor game in winter will be too cold for the usual old farts?

Bill Littlejohn’s take on the situation: The Super Bowl halftime show will  be performed by Bruno Mars.  Fitting, because the only place likely to feel colder than the stands at the Super Bowl that day will be Mars”

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Almost perfect

September 6, 2013

How do you not love a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game for 8 innings who strikes out the leadoff batter in the 9th with three pitches: 77 mph, 76 mph and 77 mph. And it was a swinging strike three.

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Actually rarer to lose perfect game on 27th batter (12 times) than to throw a perfect game (23 times)   #SFGiants #YusmeiroPetit #damnericchavez

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Prefer college football generally to the NFL, except for the post season. If the NFL were the NCAA, the defending champion Baltimore Ravens would have fallen enough in the rankings last night to guarantee they wouldn’t be in the national championship.

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Apparently teams are telling #TimTebow he’s not an NFL quarterback. Well, that never stopped Rex Grossman.

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General Mills is recalling some refrigerated Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because the dough may contain plastic pieces. Surprised they aren’t touting the plastic as adding fiber.

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New Chicago Cubs pitcher, Daniel Bard, claimed off waivers from the Boston Red Sox, says “To have a fresh environment to work in is really exciting.” Not to mention not having to deal with all that playoff pressure.

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Most of the cast of “The Big Chill” assembled in Toronto for a 30th anniversary showing of the movie. The theme song’s changed a bit though. Now,it’s “You not only can’t always get what you want, you can’t always remember what it is you wanted.”

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Downton Abbey is actually shot at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, but apparently increasing numbers of Americans are heading to the small village of Downton, 200 miles away, looking for where they film the show…. Can’t imagine where we get the reputation for being stupid tourists.

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The Columbus (OH) Dispatch had a headline this morning saying that “Elway throws seven touchdown passes.” Hmm, wonder if this means the paper will ascribe arrests of Urban Meyer players this fall to the University of Florida.

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President Obama and Putin had a conversation that Obama said was “constructive” Putin says they still don’t agree, “but we listened to each other. Well, that’s better than between the President and Congress.

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Worst thing about Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance Thursday night? Means the endless media deification of Ray Lewis from last year will go on for at least another week

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San Jose State will play Stanford for the 67th and perhaps last time in football Saturday night, and the Spartan’s coach made it sound as it was because the Cardinal didn’t want to play “home and home” (Alternate stadiums.) Of course the fact that San Jose State ended up accepting $3 MILLION to travel twice to Auburn instead of playing Stanford has nothing to do with it.

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Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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Bussing to hell

September 4, 2013

Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro was found dead in his cell Tuesday night. “Bummer”, said absolutely nobody.

(one friend suggested he inspire Jerry Sandusky…)

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Hell freezes over alert? The Pittsburgh Pirates won their 81st game, thereby guaranteeing they will not finish with a losing record for the first time in 21 seasons. And somewhere God is thinking “Now, don’t get too excited, Cubs fans.”

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A new proposed Senate resolution on Syria would limit military action to 90 days. Why didn’t we think of that for Iraq?

 

Chaz Bono has lost 80 pounds in less than a year. And women are thinking – No fair, even for transgendered men why does it have to be easier for them to lose weight than us?

 

Congrats again to 64 year old Diana Nyad for her swim from Cuba to Florida. Her attitude certainly helped, rumor has it she simply told sharks “You punks get out of my ocean.”

 

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The Hartford Courant is reporting that police have new video showing Aaron Hernandez at a Boston club at the same time as two men who were shot and killed later that night. How much worse does it get before the Patriots bring back Tim Tebow just to change the headlines?

(Peter C. suggests he could be team chaplain.)

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What a golden week for television: Jon Stewart is back, and Kris Jenner’s talk show has apparently been cancelled.

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Pablo Sandoval today became second visiting player ever to have three home runs in a game at Petco Park. First was Ryan Braun. Will Big Macs now suddenly be considered a PED?

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Apparently a woman who gave birth to a 13 lb 11 oz baby in Spain last month did it naturally without a epidural.    Without knowing , I do feel pretty sure in guessing  it was not her first child.

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A Lufthansa flight from Stockholm to Frankfurt was diverted to Copenhagen due to a “worrisome” smell that turned out to be from a new carpet. This would never happen to a U.S. airline. When would they have have new carpet?

(Sean Smith suggests that new carpet rows would have a $35 surcharge.)

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he is going to try to get Mariano Rivera to reconsider his retirement. Wonder if Girardi first will hire as a special assistant, Brett Favre.

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Making whoopie?

September 3, 2013

A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

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The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

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Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

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The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

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California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

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Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

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Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

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Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

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Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

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So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

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With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

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In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

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In the swim

September 2, 2013

Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.

(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)

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Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.

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The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.

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A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.

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A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.

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A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.

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Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.

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A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago.  Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self.   And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”

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From Bill Littlejohn”  Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent.  As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.

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Wedding belle?

September 1, 2013

Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa is reported to be secretly engaged and planning a Spring wedding. Making this perhaps the first time in history that millions of straight men are thinking “Can’t wait to see the dress.”

(or at least the back of it.)

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Wonder how many prewritten GOP speeches had to be torn up condemning President Obamas complete disregard for Congress with his #Syria decision.

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As the world moves on from Miley Cyrus’s VMA act, suppose it is a good time to count our blessings. For example that Madonna was at her outrageous peak well before Twitter, Youtube, Instagram etc….

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As of September 1, the New York Yankees are about four games out of the second wild card spot in the AL. Wonder if Bud Selig is thinking of calling an emergency meeting to figure out how to add a third wild card?

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The Oakland Raiders kept 4 QBs and 2 punters. Not sure about the need for 4 QBs, but the way the team looks now, sounds like they’ll have plenty of work for 2 punters.

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Sad news, Sir David Frost has died at 74 of a heart attack. For the uninitiated and the young, Frost was once perhaps, the first Jon Stewart.

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An Arkansas athletic department intern sustained a leg injury when a when a T-shirt gun apparently malfunctioned during the Razorbacks’ season opener. The NRA immediately issued a statement “When t-shirt guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have t-shirt guns.”

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Apparently the 6,000 players suing the NFL over head injuries originally wanted $2 billion. But gosh, that would have been almost a fifth of the league’s annual $10 billion revenues.

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Eastern Washington was paid $450,000 to play Oregon State yesterday. Making their 49-45 win one of the worst cases of creampuff indigestion in Pac 12 history. –

 

The NY Jets have named Geno Smith their starting QB.  Wonder how long it will be before fans start calling again for Tim Tebow?

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