Archive for November 2011

All aboard the bus to hell

November 10, 2011

Okay, this first joke is bus to hell worthy.

But these days that bus is pretty full anyway.

The Vatican issued a statement that they were appalled by the Penn State allegations. And they don’t understand why Jerry Sandusky wasn’t immediately transferred to another school.


And no “how do you separate the men from the boys at Penn State” jokes. Because, clearly, they don’t.

Glad the truth is coming out, but already looking back wistfully a few days ago to when the most embarrassing stories in college football involved memorabilia, players being paid, and the BCS.

College students are rioting in State College over the firing of Joe Paterno. And two things about the rioters are probably true: One, the kids love Joe Pa; two, they are too young to have kids of their own.

In State College, PA there’s a half-block mural “Inspiration”, that has pictures of famous people in the community. The mural had included Jerry Sandusky. But artist Michael Pilator painted him out, replacing the ex-coach with an empty chair and a blue ribbon to symbolize the victims. Well, at least someone connected with Penn State did SOMETHING.

Apparently the allegations against Sandusky surfaced in 2009, when he was an asst. high school football coach (yuck) and a 15 year old said he had been touched inappropriately. The school told Children and Youth Services, who got the attorney general’s office involved. The grand-jury investigation started that summer. One of many questions, stories about Bonds and steroids leaked immediately, what took this so long?

Not defending Joe Pa, but the idea of putting football before justice is not a new one. Remember Lawrence Phillips? He almost killed his ex-girlfriend, and might have if her new boyfriend hadn’t shown up to rescue her. Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne suspended Phillips briefly but brought his star player back for the National Championship, which the Cornhuskers won. Osborne’s “punishment?” He stayed on as coach, was elected to Congress, and is now the Nebraska AD.

Joe Paterno said in his retirement statement, he was “absolutely devastated by the developments in this case.” Yeah, but not half as devastated as the children his ex-assistant allegedy abused.

One of several scary thoughts about this Penn State mess. If Sandusky hadn’t been seen, and if Joe Pa hadn’t been so stubborn about staying a figurehead long past when he should have retired, Sandusky would now be the Nittany Lions head coach.

AP Headline “Another star gracefully leaves Dancing.” Punning aside, this might be the first time Nancy Grace and “gracefully” have been used together.

Since his good friend Brett Ratner was booted as the producer of Academy Awards over some offensive comments, Eddie Murphy has announced he will no longer host next year’s Oscars. Thus disappointing both people who were looking forward to seeing him.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers just signed Albert Haynesworth. Which is good news. For the Saints and other teams in the NFC South.

Meanwhile, back in the realm of ordinary college football tawdriness, UCF’s (University of Central Florida) athletic director, along with an asst. football coach and the men’s basketball coach, over alleged recruiting violations. Ah timing. This might end up one of the least reported such major college football scandals ever.

Decision time.

November 9, 2011

Tuesday was Election Day. I hope everyone who didn’t vote is planning cheerfully to relinquish their bitching rights for the next two years.

This Penn State mess, as disgusting as the story appears to be, does have at least the ability to put things in perspective. For example we won’t have to hear again how the most embarrassing thing to happen in State College lately was 2010’s 33-13 loss to Illinois.

And all of a sudden selling memorabilia and taking bribes seem so harmless by comparison.

Rob Kardashian was considered a likely contestant to go home tonight on Dancing With The Stars. Well, his run on the show has already been more successful than his sister’s marriage.

Albert Haynesworth has been released by the New England Patriots. Finally, something to smile about for Redskins fans. (And as my friend Pete Brody said, since I’ve posted this on Facebook, Albert’s been signed and released by three other teams.)

Michele Bachmann now says she would add former presidents Ronald Reagan, James Garfield and Calvin Coolidge to Mount Rushmore. Should we be aghast at her choices, or pleasantly surprised that she knows the names of three ex-presidents?

Another thought about last Sunday’s LSU – Alabama game. At least we’re not likely to need to watch it again on ESPN Classic. If that was the “Game of the Century,” then in the 1900s the Cubs were the “Team of the Century.”

So the Michael Jackson/Conrad Murray trial MAY make doctors think twice before prescribing medicine like candy to celebrity clients. Instead the rich and famous may have to get their drugs the old-fashioned way – sending their maids to get them. (Yes, I mean you Rush.)

Herman Cain now say it might be the “Democrat machine” behind the harassment allegations but added that he didn’t know for sure. Does this mean he’s “kissed and made up” with Rick Perry. Or that Cain now doesn’t think the Perry campaign is smart enough to have come up with the idea.

Mitt Romney on Tuesday called the allegations against Herman Cain “particularly disturbing.” Of course it’s easy for Mitt to say. If he didn’t have five children, most Americans wouldn’t believe Romney even had had sex with his wife.

Ah, more warm fuzzy corporate personhood: Safeway ad trumpeting “Easy Thanksgiving Entertaining.” With pre-cooked dinners for from 4-8 people of ham, turkey or prime rib including vegetables, sides, rolls and dessert, on special. Except that the specials run from Nov 9-15 only. Thanksgiving is Nov 24. So what’s a little potential botulism between friends and families?

Okay, guys might want to skip this post. But actual instructions on a package of women’s sanitary napkins. “Wear adhesive side away from body.”

Mississippi voters voted down an amendment to the state constitution that would have defined a fertilized egg as a person. Wonder if the Duggars’ announcement that they are expecting their 20th child had anything to do with it.

Pop goes our culture.

November 8, 2011

Shocking news in the Conrad Murray trial. When a celebrity is involved, I didn’t think it was possible to find someone guilty of murder or manslaughter in Los Angeles.

Some think this verdict will mean celebrities won’t be able to get anyone to over-prescribe medications for them anymore. Right. It probably does mean they may need to pay such a doctor even more money.

Let’s hope Murray’s time in jail doesn’t overlap with Lindsay Lohan.

Hugh Hefner says that Lindsay Lohan’s photo spread in the upcoming January-February issue will be a “classic tribute inspired by Marilyn Monroe.” With all due respect, the only comparison most people draw between Marilyn and Lindsay is that they doubt Lohan will make it to age 40.

Although at this point they’re laying odds in Vegas. Which will last a shorter time. Lindsay’s next jail term or Kim Kardashian’s next marriage.

K.D. Lang says Justin Bieber looks “Just like a lesbian.” And most lesbians responded “Please, we have better haircuts.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern says that if the union doesn’t accept the owners’ latest proposal they will only get a worse one and that “the only rational thing” for them to do is to make the deal. Sigh. I guess on some level it’s fun watching the 1% battling with the 0.1%.

The Kardashians are now being accused of selling a line of handbags in Australia -the “Kardashian Kollection”, that are actually knockoffs of several famous designer brands. Gosh, marriage is one thing, but who’d a thunk the Kardashians would fake anything as serious as a copyrighted handbag?

There were long lines Monday on opening day at “Resort World,” New York City’s first casino. Well, other than Wall Street.

This Penn State controversy is disgusting. But really, is anyone who has followed the “win at all costs” mentality in college football shocked that so many people high up in the athletic department basically tried to sweep the story under the rug, or as it were, the turf?

Okay, we may have found a sleazier job than being Michael Jackson’s doctor – being Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer.

And this joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Schubert. In Joe Paterno’s defense, although he was in his late 70s when he heart about the allegations, the Penn State coach did try to alert the police. But they couldn’t read his smoke signals.

Apparently Herman Cain has raised over $2 million in the days since this sexual harassment story first broke. Just think how much Cain could have raised if he’d been accused of something like murder.

A new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows 54% of GOP primary voters say allegations of sexual harassment against Herman Cain will not affect how they vote. These voters are called “men.”

One of the scariest things about this whole Herman Cain business, on top of the Weiner business, and the Edwards business, etc, etc.. is that you just know there are politicians out there, on both sides of the aisle, who are continuing on with whatever indiscretions they were up to before, and figuring THEY are too smart to get caught.

Actually in all seriousness, (for a change) why didn’t someone tell Herman Cain the smart response last week would have been “Hey, like a lot of men I figured I was wittier and more charming than I was. I realized I might have offended some women and I am sorry and I have learned. And if there was anyone else I upset by my actions, I apologize to them too.” End of story.

The San Francisco Giants traded mercurial left-handed Jonathan Sanchez to the Kansas City Royals for Melky Cabrera. Well, if Sanchez gets his head together, the Royals could have a new pitching star, otherwise, well at least it’s likely their beer sales will go up.

(Actually, maybe the Giants should have traded Sanchez to the Red Sox. At least that way he’d give his fellow pitchers an actual reason to drink.)

Another chance at the #1 pick bites the dust?

November 7, 2011

For many NFL fans, Sunday is a day of frustration. And today the most frustrated fans in the U.S. might reside in Miami. Where the Dolphins’ failure to collapse as usual cost them first place in the Andrew Luck bowl.


Peyton Manning has talked about wanting to come to practice to try to help the Colts, even if he can’t play. At this point Indy may ban him from being anywhere near the field.

Now that Miami has no chance for a “perfect” record, will the 1972 Dolphins celebrate by breaking out some Andre Cold Duck? Or generic beer?

Still can’t quite believe that 9-6 – (in overtime) – LSU Alabama game. Most of the players haven’t seen a score that low since they took their SAT tests.

If we needed any more proof that ESPN has become a wholly owned subsidiary of the SEC (as well as the Yankees), the headlines tonight might remove the doubt – “Alabama falls to #3 after loss to LSU.” As opposed to “Undefeated Stanford still behind one-loss Alabama in BCS poll.”

I know Barack Obama is a Bears fan, but you have to figure he’s developing a soft spot for the Redskins. Because once a week now, Washington residents are screaming at someone besides the President.

So does today’s 38-24 Denver-Oakland game mean that God really loves Tim Tebow? Or that He/She just really doesn’t like the Raiders?

So a thought for all these folks calling for an LSU-Alabama rematch in the National Championship: Teams tend to be more conservative in big bowl games. Which means last night’s tie in regulation might be a 0-0 game in January. So how many overtimes would it for both teams to go to penalty kicks?

San Diego’s Philip Rivers threw 3 interceptions in a 45-38 loss to the Packers today. Well, adding this to last week’s fumble means that Rivers probably won’t make the Pro Bowl but that giving spirit does make Philip the front runner to play Santa Claus at the Chargers’ Christmas party.

(my friend Michael Moroney adds “or the Packers’ party.”)

My son noticed this, and we wonder why ESPN doesn’t seem too concerned about college athletes neglecting academics : GAMEDAY WEEK 11: NOV 12 2011
LIVE FROM PAL ALTO, CA (Guess things like spelling/geography aren’t required for a career in sportscasting.)

“Puss in Boots” remains #1 at the Box Office, thanks to the family audience. Makes sense. Kids love the cats. And moms just close their eyes to listen to and think about Antonio Banderas.

Kris Jenner insists that the public shouldn’t criticize Kris, because they don’t “really know her family.” Dear gawd, you know what that means – more Kardashian “reality” shows.

Well, at least she’s consistently inconsistent: Liz Cheney, saying that the media’s focus on sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain were “pretty frustrating,” and “this is not the issue that’s going to decide the election.” Of course, Liz recently attacked Bill Clinton’s involvement with the White House because “there’s not exactly an impeccable record of integrity there on the part of the former president.”

Okay, I have no idea exactly what happened between Herman Cain and his accusers back in the 1990s. But I do have to wonder, if it were women who were coming forward to make similar accusations against a young Barack Obama, would all the conservatives claiming “dirty tricks” and “racism” be giving the President the same benefit of the doubt?

Rolled Tide?

November 6, 2011

How ugly was the LSU-Alabama game tonight? Many fans turned to NHL games just to see some scoring.

In Alabama some frustrated fans went to kick their dogs after tonight’s loss. Fortunately for the pets they missed wide right.

Yes, LSU and Alabama have good defenses. But shouldn’t we expect the “Game of the Century” to have more scoring than you’d expect in an overnight line for the iPhone 4s?

Anyone who watched the 52-45 Oklahoma State-Kansas State shootout might say, not only wasn’t LSU -Alabama the “Game of the Century,” it wasn’t even the “Game of the Night.”

And sorry, all the commentators are saying the 9-6 overtime score was because both defenses were so good. Isn’t it just possible that a contributing factor might have been that both offenses were so bad?


LSU and Alabama did so little scoring, afterwards both teams received free gear declaring them honorary San Francisco Giants.

Although for those Americans tired of hearing about the “Occupy” movement, give the teams credit. Neither of them ever “Occupied” the end zone

An arrest warrant has been issued for Terrell Owens after he failed to show up for a court date regarding child support payments. Well, T.O wanted to be wanted.

Another Saturday, two more upsets of highly rated teams (Michigan and Nebraska) in the “Legends” division of the Big 10. Yeah, “Legends” are great, but “Reality” can be a real b*tch.

A thought about Steve Williams’ stupid racial slur against Tiger Woods. It’s a shame the two of them had a falling out. Because Williams and Woods seem to richly deserve each other.

Another thought about this “personhood” amendment which would define life as beginning at the moment of fertilization. It’s not that big a step beyond to decide that “self-stimulation” is murder.

Some pretty nasty allegations coming out of Penn State regarding a high-level cover up of a former football defensive coordinator’s alleged sexual abuse of boys. Who did the university think they were, the Vatican?

A source told ESPN that hopes for an NBA labor deal are bleak. Can we title this one “What if they cancelled a whole basketball season, and nobody cared?”

Who’d a thunk this? Herman Cain debated Newt Gingrich one on one Saturday night. And the guy who dumped TWO sick wives for younger women was the one not dodging sexual allegations.

R.I.P. Andy Rooney. Wonder what the first thing will be that he will complain about in heaven?

(Augie suggests he asks “So, what about the other 10 Commandments Moses smashed on the rocks? Can I take a peek at them now?”

The White House actually issued a reponse to two petitions to asking the U.S. government to acknowledge formally that aliens have visited Earth and to disclose any intentional withholding of government interactions with extraterrestrial beings.

This is from the White House Office of Science and Technology on their website: “The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.”

I don’t know, some days it seems like not only have aliens visited Earth, but also some of them have stayed and are running for President.

Game of the Century?

November 5, 2011

Well, after watching LSU-Alabama hype all week I think I have figured it out – the matchup is definitely this year’s “Game of the Century.”

Tickets to the LSU-Alabama game are going for a higher price online than tickets to game 7 of the World Series. Makes sense. It’s the SEC. Some players are probably higher paid than the World Series players too.

Brian Cashman says the Yankees won’t go after Pujols because “It’s not an efficient way to try to allocate your resources.” Uh, considering that the Yankees have over a $200 million payroll and couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs, should Cashman be considered an expert in allocating resources?


Boise State is ready to join the Big East, but they want the conference to add a Western Division. Well, heck, why not go all the way and add Hawaii?

Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing.

Another thought about Matty Alou. In Giants heaven maybe McCovey DOES hit that ball a foot higher?


So Lindsay Lohan had to reshoot her Playboy cover? Not surprised, figure these days anything Lindsay does is over-exposed.

With some saying the sexual harassment claims against Herman Cain are just political attempts to take down a front-runner, this does bring up the question – why wouldn’t “they” have gone after Mitt Romney first?

Maybe because few people in America can even imagine Mitt flirting with his own wife?

All the comparisons of Herman Cain to Clarence Thomas are focusing on the sexual harassment claims. But another apt comparison might be in terms of their basic intelligence and competence.

Question for all these fans of the “personhood” amendment, which says life begins at the moment of fertilization. Does that mean a company becomes a person at the moment of incorporation?


Greg Frazier picked this up, that Stanford’s football team has a 13-0-1 streak against the spread. Meaning according to Pregame.com, if you’d bet $100 at the beginning of the streak and just let it ride, you’d have $447,351.

But as Dwight Perry said, “The bad news, if you had $447,351 riding on Saturday’s triple-OT win over USC, you’d be dead of a heart attack by now.” (Stanford won by 8 with the fumble, the spread was 7 1/2.)

Moving on.

November 3, 2011

Moving to the Big East would mean a chance to get a guaranteed BCS bowl spot for Boise State, not to mention a lot more money. So the Idaho State Board of Education has given the school permission to pursue Big East membership. Maybe Boise State can use some that money to offer classes in Geography.

Thinking the number one Oxymoron of the 21st century has to be “Reality TV Star.”

Speaking of which: Some sources said that Kim Kardashian’s marriage broke up in part because Kim didn’t like Kris spending “her hard earned money.” Can someone tell me exactly what Kim actually does to “earn” money

Peyton Manning told reporters that he’s spending every day in rehab and hasn’t given up on playing in a game in 2011. Colts fans who have been watching the team this year and watching Andrew Luck responded “Peyton, take it easy. Spend time with your family and don’t push it…”.

Rick Perry, said in response to Jon Stewart’s suggestion that he was drunk during his New Hampshire speech, that he had not been drinking, but “It’s not that I wouldn’t love to sit down with Jon and have a glass of wine. If he’ll buy.”

Think it’s time to start a fund or a facebook group of those of us willing to contribute to the “Buy whatever wine Perry wants if he will sit down with Jon Stewart for a Daily Show interview.”

Justin Bieber, 17, is being sued by a 20 year old woman who claims he is the father of her 3 month old baby. Now, I know not all Christians wait to get married before they have children these days, but most of them wait until puberty.

Sad Giants news. Matty Alou passed away today. He was 72. Barely over the age at which SF might have signed him as a free agent to play in front of one of their rookies.


Baseball gave out their “Silver Slugger” awards today to the best offensive players at each position in each league. If there were an opposite “Lead Slugger” award the SF Giants would no doubt lead the NL.


Free-agent lefthanderJamie Moyer, who is about to turn 49, has been throwing for scouts recently and apparently stands a good chance of being offered a big league contract. Moyer’s goal, to be the first MLB player whose age is a higher number than the speed of his fastball.

Herman Cain is accusing Rick Perry’s campaign of leaking the harassment stories. Maybe they think Perry is jealous of having sexual rumors flying around about women?

Change$$$.

November 2, 2011

Note in advance to readers, will probably miss a couple days of postings after tonight’s. But hope to be back by Friday. Besides the sites mentioned on my blogroll, suggest Sideline Chatter in the Seattle Times, or alwaysfunny.com.

Bank of America retracted their proposed new monthly $5 debit fee due to customer fury. You know what that makes them? Smarter than Netflix.

Ann Coulter just said “Our blacks are so much better than their blacks.” Adding “To become a black Republican you don’t just roll into it. You’re not going with the flow….” So would she also say about Democrats that their rich white people are so much better than GOP rich white people?

Northern Illinois 63, Toledo 60. Did the NCAA start their basketball season without telling us?

New England Patriots WR Julian Edelman has been charged with indecent assault and battery. This stemmed from an incident Edelman allegedly groped a woman Saturday night at a Boston bar. Guess the Patriots had trouble all weekend with their passes.

Bobby Rush, a Democratic congressman from Illinois, said of the NCAA “I think they’re just one of the most vicious, most ruthless organizations ever created by mankind, I think you would compare (them) to Al Capone and to the Mafia.” Said the Mafia, “Please, as if we would come up with something as stupid as the BCS.”

Herman Cain doesn’t seem to have a handle on how to handle this sexual harrassment story. Might have been better had he just responded “I suppose I should be honored that all you media types are trying to paint me as Clintonesque.”

Kim Kardashian’s mother Kris says of her daughter “She’s not the first person in the world to get a divorce or to have something like this happen to, and she won’t be the last … People have to stop judging.” Uh, Kris, people aren’t judging Kim so much on the divorce, they’re judging her on that $10 million wedding.

Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’ marriage, 72 days. The NBA lockout, 124 days and counting. Okay all you romantics who bet on love, time to pay up.

Harold Camping, the 90-year-old minister/broadcaster has now incorrectly predicted the end of the world twice this year. He says now in a statement that Christ not returning on October 21 was “embarrassing for Family Radio.” In related news, God issued a statement saying Family Radio is “embarrassing for Himself and Christ.”

Three Georgia running backs will be suspended for the Bulldogs’ game Saturday against New Mexico State, allegedly for failing a drug test. A source told ESPN that the test was administered last week, before Georgia’s 24-20 victory over arch-rival Florida, but said they had no idea if the results were known before the game. Yeah, right….

How long until some GOP presidential candidate suggests we try to fix the economy by invading Greece?

Until death or reality do us part.

November 1, 2011

Congrats to V.P. Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley, who announced her engagement today. The happy couple will set a wedding date as soon as they convince Dad that really, the father of the bride doesn’t HAVE to give a speech.


The Lions not only crushed the Broncos, they mocked Tim Tebow, and Ndamukong Suh said “Evil prevails.” Some think God might get them for that. But God just smiled and said three words – “Winter in Detroit.”


Kim Kardashian is expected to file for divorce today from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries. I have posted something like this before but have to say it again: And this is the kind of traditional marriage some in the GOP say is “America’s most important institution,” and want to pass an amendment to protect?

But really? 72 days?!! Guess Kim and Kris had to wait for for the E! TV special of their $10 million wedding to air earlier this month.


My friend Alex Kaseberg said the marriage “couldn’t take that dreaded seven-week itch.”

Tom Tolbert pointed out today on KNBR that Kris and Kim pocketed over $18 million dollars from various media in their their brief marriage, most of it for the rights to their televised wedding. (Similar numbers were reported by the U.K. Guardian.) Even if Tolbert’s numbers were off by a bit that’s the most money for a quickly regretted contract since JaMarcus Russell signed with the Raiders.

But okay, there were signs this might not last -like in the gift registry where there was allegedly a note at the bottom, if they split up do you want your gift to stay with Kris or Kim?

At least Kim can keep the monogrammed “K K” towels.

Still mad about not getting a time out called at the end of regulation Saturday night against Stanford, USC coach Lane Kiffin is railing against the officials and saying he was “deceived.” Kiffin’s former employers are just giggling.

Well, USC isn’t bowl eligible, so maybe Kiffin is trying to show that while his team can’t have the Roses, they can at least have the Whine.-

Lane Kiffen even quoted Knox, his 2-year-old son, as knowing more than the officials. Many longtime Kiffin watchers are laying odds that Knox is already more mature about losing than his daddy.


Late night update, the Pac 12 has just fined Lane Kiffin $10,000 for criticizing the officials. $10,000?! Wow, when Reggie Bush was at USC that was almost a full game’s salary.

Tony La Russa is retiring as the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals. Actually, he really retired a couple days ago, but he tried to announce the decision by phone.

Ever the intellectual, Tony LaRussa said that one of his post retirement plans might be opening a bookstore. Asked some of his current and former players – “What’s a bookstore?”

C.C. Sabathia signed a 5 year, $122 million contract with the Yankees. That’s probably enough to feed him AND his family.


From Marc Ragovin: So the Mets announced that they are bringing in the walls and lowering the fences at Citi Field. Now if they will only hide the scoreboard

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-San Mateo) says she is trying to feed herself this week on only 4.50 a day, which is what most people on food stamps get each day. While it’s an interesting experiment, I’d rather see those in Congress try to live long-term with only the healthcare plans available to most Americans.