Posted tagged ‘Olympic jokes’

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How sweet it is?

February 7, 2014

One of the sweetest phrases in the English language today “Pitchers and catchers report.”

 

Rand Paul now says that any Democrat who has had a fundraiser with former President Clinton should return the $$ to protest his sexual behavior in the White House. While Paul is at it, why isn’t he demanding the resignation of say, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?

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Clint Eastwood, 83, apparently saved the AT&T tournament director’s life last night in Pebble Beach by performing the Heimlich maneuver when the man was choking on a piece of cheese. So I guess to the question “Do you feel lucky, punk?” the answer was “Yes!”

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “Clint Eastwood used the Heimlich maneuver to save the life of the choking Pebble Beach tournament director.Subsequently, they want Clint to stay close to tourney participant Peyton Manning”

 

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Joe Biden on the Presidency “There’s no obvious reason for me why I think I should not run.” Uh, maybe that he wouldn’t win?

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On the other hand, Joe Biden vs. Chris Christie in a debate?   A comedy writers dream.  And a guaranteed 3 second delay with the censors.

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FSU coach Jimbo Fisher said QB Jameis Winston might play two more years in college, and Winston says he could be right. Of course, may depend on who has the #1 draft pick. #anyonebuttheraiders

 

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So with the horror stories coming out of Sochi will “plausibly live” this year at the Olympics mean media people after several days with no working showers or drinking water?

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Although back in the USA.  Have to love the written airline safety card in exit row seatbacks that says if you lack the ability to read the instructions you must identify yourself to a crew member to be reseated….

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Knicks coach Mike Woodson “This year has been, for me, it’s been kind of a disaster from a coaching standpoint.” And fans are thinking, “What about from the standpoint of us poor fools who bought season tickets?”

 

So far the biggest mishap at the actual Sochi games has been an opening ceremony that was one ring short. “Tell us about it” said Broncos fans

 

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Alex Rodriguez has dropped his lawsuit against MLB and will accept their ban. Maybe because even Perry Mason would have told A-Rod he had no chance.

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Now the FAA is investigating Justin Bieber’s flight to the US over marijuana allegations. Maybe President Obama really should consider that deportation petition. Think of the U.S. taxpayer money it would save on law enforcement
 

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Rings and things.

February 6, 2014

Airlines have been warned about possible terrorist attacks on flights into Sochi using toothpaste tubes. Which means security will be looking carefully at any toothpaste that looks suspicious. Presumably meaning at least ANYONE bringing a tube in from England.

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NBC News’ Richard Engel reported that his computers and cellphone were hacked within a day of his arrival in Sochi. Where is Edward Snowden on this one?

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Police said a Pennsylvania couple apparently died from carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in a car parked in a garage. The ultimate Darwin award perhaps since they were trying to breed at the time?

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What took them so long?  Scotland on Tuesday legalized gay marriage. I realize some might find this disgusting. But this is a country that long ago legalized the right of citizens to eat haggis.

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Today was “National Signing Day” for college football. It’s especially exciting for SEC schools because today proves their recruits know how to sign their names.

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#ClayAiken says he is running for Congress in North Carolina. So he wants to go from “American Idol” to “American Idle?”

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A congressman gets caught with cocaine and gets a year’s probation. A famous movie star is found dead with 70 bags of heroin and as my friend Marty B. pointed out, had he been found alive he would not have been arrested. We’re not only losing the war on drugs, we aren’t even consistently fighting the battles.

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I thought Bristol Palin getting on “Dancing with the Stars” for getting pregnant as an unmarried teenager was a new low in our civilization, but getting on “Celebrity Boxing” for killing a teenager has just topped, or rather bottomed, that.

 

 

What’s going on in the sports world? The Seahawks destroy the favored Broncos in the Super Bowl Sunday, and tonight the Lakers win on the road? (Okay, so it was the Cavaliers.) But what’s the next sign of the apocalypse? Cubs fans can only dream.

 

The Jamaican bobsled team’s luggage was “lost” on the way to Sochi, but has finally shown up. Can’t imagine why Russian authorities might have delayed and/or searched bags from Jamaica. Maybe visitors from Washington and Colorado might want to do carry-on.

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Mitt Romney on running in 2016: “The answer is no.” And many in the media wondering “Why?” Uh, how about losing twice is enough?

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Spoiled?

August 1, 2012

NBC has apologized for spoiling swimmer Missy Franklin’s gold medal race with an ad DURING their coverage for the Today show featuring her win. Ah, how about forget the apology, start showing things live?

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But really, at this point with Twitter, Facebook and the rest of the internet, what is NBC thinking?  At this point the results in Olympic events  are less of a surprise to savvy television viewers than who gets the final rose on the Bachelor.
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Of course to be fair, by the middle of August, all these folks who are upset about various Olympic related issues will have moved on to more relevant sporting results.  Sort of like Cubs fans.
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Eight women badmnton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were kicked out of the Olympics for alleged match throwing. (Trying to lose early matches, for easier matches later.) And who says women are not as competitive as men?
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A United Airlines 737 from Dallas-Fort Worth to Denver ended up with a hole in its nose after apparently striking a large bird. ABC News said no injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Don’t get me wrong, Michael Phelps is amazing. But best Olympian ever? It kind of helps to pick a sport where you can enter a whole lot of events …
(comment encouraged on this one… and how about Steve Redgrave, for example?)
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The sanctions are so strong against Penn State that two top players have transfered to USC and LSU. Good to see the NCAA’s actions are benefiting such admirably clean programs….
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In England, they are celebrating the Queen’s granddaughter winning a silver medal. And some in the U.S. are saying, “wait a minute, I didn’t even know Elton John had grandchildren.”
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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says the former Penn State assistant coach is “distraught” over the NCAA  penalties issued to his former team.  “What a shame” said absolutely no one.
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Women baseball fans have a little extra fun in the MLB trade deadline  – for a week or so some  players on losing teams find out that men too can be regarded basically as  pieces of meat.

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Torched.

July 28, 2012

The Olympic games are open. Meaning for the next few weeks, Americans will care passionately about sports they normally pay no attention to, and will ignore again in August. But, hey, it’s all about potential gold. (It’s like we’re a temporary nation of trophy wives.) – USA! USA! USA!

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Bloody shame that baseball has been dropped from this year’s Olympics: Otherwise Chicago Cubs would have had a great chance to win as the world’s best amateur team.

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Am overseas, but in the San Francisco Chronicle online the men’s 400 meter individual medley results were  hidden all day under “spoiler alert.” Okay, the event is over in London,  but it happened in the afternoon in San Francisco, and the only reason it’s a “spoiler” is that NBC has their head so far up their “peacock” that they are waiting to show it until primetime.-

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Mitt Romney’s next foreign policy stop is Israel, where his fundraisers will be closed to the press. What, so the media doesn’t catch him talking about looking forward to a good kosher bacon cheeseburger?

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Mitt Romney has been attacking President Obama for supposed security leaks. So he goes to England and blabs about a secret meeting with M16?

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Spoiler alert?  Michael Phelps finished out of the medals (4th) in his first Olympic event. What if he and Tim Lincecum had the same performance enhancing drug?

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East Coast bias? What East Coast bias? ESPN said Marco Scutaro would look forward to joining fellow Venezuelans Pablo Sandoval and Henry Blanco on the SF Giants. Except that HENRY Blanco is on the D’backs. Gregor Blanco is on the Giants. (How quickly they forget that perfect game saving catch.)

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Josh Hamilton is in the middle of a July slump that has him getting booed at home in Texas. Note to Rangers’ management, if you’re that unhappy with Hamilton, the SF Giants will take him.

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And yes, we like our golds in the U.S. But a week ago, or a week from now, how many people knew/know what a 400 meter individual medley is?

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Donald Perry, 60, the longtime spokesman for fast-food chain Chick-fil-A died Friday. He was 60.  The cause of death was not released.  Of course a lifetime of fried chicken sandwiches could do that.

(Of course, a twisted mind could say that maybe God didn’t like the anti-gay comments, but I wouldn’t say that.)

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From Gary Bachman:  Skydiver Felix Baumgartner yesteday completed a record-breaking 17-mile dive. No one has fallen this far this fast since Joe Paterno.

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Approaching rings.

July 26, 2012

Ah,  we really know the Olympics are almost here.   Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.

(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)

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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)

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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.

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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team.  It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.

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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.

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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”

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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”

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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.

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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.

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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”

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Olympic Clubbed.

June 18, 2012

First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.

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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”

 

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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”

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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with  three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”

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Many are beginning to realize,  Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.

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The unemployment rate in Ohio has  FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.

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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.

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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?

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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.

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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.

(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes,  send me my $150,000.”)

 

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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Authenticity.

June 14, 2012

London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony is so about giving visitors an authentic English experience that it will feature artificial clouds that can actually make rain. Wonder if volunteers will also sport blacked out teeth.

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I know it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” But this Sandusky case definitely makes me want to make a “Mercy rule” exception – as in “We’ve heard enough and the victims don’t have to keep talking about it.”.) –

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The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency is now bringing doping charges against Lance Armstrong, threatening to strip his Tour de France victories. Well, guess they’ve got to do something now that the Roger Clemens trial is almost over.

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Madonna is still dealing with controversy after she  exposed a nipple during an Istanbul concert. In the “Material Girl’s” defense, she had asked for the cameras and lights only to be trained on her from the waist up.

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Federal prosecutors have decided not to retry John Edwards after his first trial ended in a hung jury. This will save taxpayer $$$, and besides, prosecutors figure that John’s having to deal with “baby mama” Rielle Hunter for the rest of his life is punishment enough.

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A London hotel advertisement talks about “London’s sporting spectacular” this summer. “Sporting spectacular?” Sounds like the Olympics keep the same tight legal control of their name as the Super Bowl. (In the U.S., most ads have to talk about the “Big Game” or something.)

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Get out the violins. Boxer Floyd Mayweather already had his 3 month sentence for domestic violence postponed so he could fight on May 5. Now his lawyer wants the sentence changed to house arrest, because Floyd’s “boxing career is in jeopardy… Along with being subjected to the poor prison food, he is getting out of shape.”

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Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s divorce has been put on hold. Wonder how many million reasons Kobe gave her to stay together? –

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Bristol Palin’s latest realty show, “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” debuts next week. And Bristol says it will show America she’s just “grounded, normal mom.” Of course, don’t most normal teen moms do a series of television shows?

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Wonder before tonight what would have been the longer odds in Las Vegas. On Matt Cain throwing a perfect game, or on the SF Giants scoring 10 runs?

(In all seriousness,  before Tuesday night,  SF Giants had hit seven home runs at home in 2012. They hit five in the last two days.)

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From medals to bubbles….

March 3, 2010

How fickle are sports fans? In America the only numbers that matter have gone from US medal count of 37 to figuring out 64-65 teams in brackets.

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Canada is still celebrating their gold medal in hockey. American sorrow and depression over the loss can be summed up in one word – “whatever.”
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The San Jose Sharks were back in action today, with eight of their players who had played on various Olympic teams. They lost 4-3 at to the New Jersey Devils. Looks like the team’s already in post-season form.
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There is some talk of the NCAA expanding the men’s basketball tournament to 96 teams. As if American worker productivity in March wasn’t bad enough already.

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Mark McGwire’s brother Jay, says that writing his tell-all book was “cathartic.’ The same word that has been used by Agassi and others. Just a thought, if it’s the act of confessing onto paper that’s so important, haven’t any of these people considered a private diary?

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Alex Kaseberg asks…” does anybody in the entire beautiful country actually know all the words to “Oh, Canada.? I would venture to add, a higher percentage than that of Americans who can actually hit all the notes in “The Star Spangled Banner.”

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Senator Jim Bunning, who is retiring after this term, has been holding up unemployment benefits until Congress decides how to pay for them. I hope someday he applies the same standard to his own Senate pension.

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And we wonder how Americans get the reputation for being both insensitive and clueless. Yesterday in our travel office, someone called up, no joke, and wanted to know if Hawaii would be offering discounts because of the tsunami.

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Sarah Palin appeared on Tuesday night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Actually Palin and Leno have something in common. Both left their main jobs last year. But in Leno’s case there were actually people who wanted him back.

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Palin actually did a short stand-up comedy routine. But none of the jokes in the routine were as funny as the one she told about Fox News being impartial.

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And then there was Sarah’s comment about getting back to the 5 “W’s. Who’s saying we should pay taxes, what is the purpose of taxes, when can we cut taxes, where does the government get off charging us taxes, and why can’t we just abolish the whole idea of taxes.

(one anonymous person on sfgate.com commented on Palin’s attempts at stand-up comedy “Keep your day job. Oops, wait, you already quit that.”)

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The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday refused to block the District of Columbia’s gay marriage law. Proving, if nothing else, that even the conservative members of the court care about the service they get in the capital’s restaurants

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Closing ceremonies…..and of course, the gold medal game..

March 1, 2010

But Olympic junkies on the west coast are in luck, NBC’s taped delayed coverage should go on until at least Tuesday.

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It actually kind of feels right that the gold medal goes to a country where the average man or woman on the street can actually name at least one hockey player.

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Americans watching the gold medal hockey game were both confused and disappointed by the overtime period. Where was the coin toss? And where was the little guy who comes in to win the game by kicking the puck into the net?
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So the US came close. But did anyone, especially in San Jose, really expect any team coached by Ron Wilson to win it all?

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Tickets for the USA-Canada hockey game were going for $4000.00 a ticket and up with scalpers. Wonder how many were being bought by new fans from the US who wondered when they will ever get another chance to see a game between two teams with so much top professional talent in North America.

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Ron Turner, who was just hired this month as an assistant coach by Jim Harbaugh, resigned today to take a similar position with the Indianapolis Colts. Who does Turner think he is – Lane Kiffin?
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Manny Ramirez actually told a reporter at Dodgers’ spring training – “”I’m an employee here, I just do what they want me to.” I think I like his story about the fertility drug better.

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Regarding those new “Cant Trust Steve” ads that Meg Whitman is running against her opponent Steve Poizner: Anyone else think they would be appropriate to get her elected as senior class president?

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And in closing.

For all those Winter Olympics fans who will be glad to see the last of Vancouver and go back to having the games in an actual COLD city – I give you today’s weather in Sochi, Russia. High 56, Low 47.

(Sochi is a resort town on the Black Sea. According to the Los Angeles Times. “The average February temperature is 43 degrees. Winter temperatures rarely fall below freezing. It has a moderate tropic climate and rarely sees snow.)

Maybe they should put these games somewhere that actually gets cold. Like San Francisco in July.

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Awaiting the gold medal hockey game….

February 28, 2010

Apologies to anyone reading this after the game,

Americans are getting very excited about the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game Sunday. In fact, many Americans polled said they actually planned to watch all four quarters.

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Mark McGwire, after admitting he lied about steroids, has once again accused someone else, in this case his brother, about lying about the details of that steroid use. Isn’t this kind of like Tiger Woods quibbling about his number of waitresses.

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In their neverending effort to come up with an aggravating prime-time show, NBC did a segment on why Canada has produced so many great comics – Dan Ackroyd, Mike Meyers, John Candy, Jim Carrey…. One of the reasons given was, of course, the cold winters. But great comedy comes from suffering, so why no mention of the Maple Leafs?.

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Meg Whitman, already up over 30 points in the Republican primary over her opponent Steve Poizner, has now unleashed a barrage of negative ads against Poizner. Well, if this Governor thing doesn’t work out she has a great shot at a job as an assistant coach in Seattle with former USC Coach Pete Carroll.

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The Buffalo Bills have announced they will not offer Terrell Owens a contract for next season. Thereby surprising T.O. and absolutely no one else.

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The University of Oregon has now had four football players arrested in one month. Maybe the university has been going too far in their efforts to prove they have an NFL ready program.

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Since the Olympics seems to constantly add new events, it maybe shouldn’t be surprising that one of the latest sports looking to qualify as a medal sport is – not making this up – “Synchronized Ice Skating”

Another step in the Olympics never-ending quest to find a sport that not a single straight man will ever watch.

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Winding down the Olympics…

February 27, 2010

Only two more days of competition. Which means only about a week until NBC catches up with the tape delay.

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The US hockey team scored SIX goals against Finland in the first period of today’s Olympic semi-final. Most Canadian hockey fans have never seen anything that embarrassing before. Well, without the Maple Leafs being involved.

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With all the U.S. excitement over Olympic hockey, some reporters have started asking American fans who they are rooting for in the Stanley Cup. The number one response – “What’s the Stanley Cup?”

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Short track speed skating is amazing. Especially as it’s often the only skaters still upright at the end who medal. Sometimes it seems as if the athletes have less chance of making it to the end of the race than Mel Gibson has to pass a field sobriety test.

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A centralized technical glitch caused JetBlue Airways to delay or cancel many flights that had not yet taken off Friday afternoon. Sounds like business as usual.

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The California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has started warning bars that it is illegal to “infuse” spirits – for examples to make ginger or fruit vodka, or jalapeno tequila. Good to know that in these tough economic times our state tax dollars are being used wisely.-

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Howard Stern is planning to organize a beauty pageant for all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. His biggest potential problem – don’t pageants, like Miss America, usually cap the contestant total at 50?

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Tacky time.

Gatorade is the latest company to drop Tiger Woods as a promoter. Apparently while the company coined the slogan “Is it in you?” they weren’t happy with who Woods was in.

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And commie pinko time:

Insurance companies are not only greedy, they are dumb. After the Republicans got the 41st vote in the Senate, some insurers immediately implemented huge rate increases. Six months or a year from now the issue might have died down, but instead they are giving us new ammunition to get reform passed.

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Loud and louder…

February 26, 2010

At this point there’s a chance for a U.S. Canada rematch in the Olympic Gold medal hockey game. If that happens the only thing louder than Canada Hockey Place area in Vancouver will be the Norwegian curling team’s pants.

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With women’s figure skating Thursday night, and with NBC’s tape delayed strategy on the West Coast, the top skaters didnt finish until around midnight, and the medal ceremony was later. So, Friday, men who work in offices with a number of women will probably find those women are about as useful as many men are during March Madness
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A German speedskater who had been an alternate lost out on a chance to compete in the Olympics because he didn’t get a cellphone call. On the brighter side, he may sign a huge endorsement deal with Verizon – “Can you hear me now?”

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During a healthcare discussion today, President Obama said to John McCain “the election’s over.” And McCain replied, “Don’t be so sure – they won’t be showing the final results until tonight on NBC.”

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Okay, I have nothing against patriotism. But it is amusing to watch Americans celebrating medals in sports where most people in the country couldn’t even describe what the event is…. (Nordic combined, anyone?)

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With all the classical and popular music choices, what is it with women figure skaters and Carmen? It’s becoming the equivalent of the beauty pageant contestants’ wish for “World Peace?”

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Two male Canadian broadcasters suggested Johnny Weir’s costumes and “body language” set a bad example for boys and male skaters. They also joked he may have to take a gender test. Hmm, another analysis might be that any men who are that obsessed with the appearance of other men might themselves also at least take a sexuality test.

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The California Assembly passed a resolution that would establish the first week of March as “Cuss Free Week.” Most Californians, however, would prefer their representatives simply had a week of behaving in a manner where they didn’t make their constituents feel like cussing.

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Most Republicans have gotten over their initial anger at newly elected Senator Scott Brown’s decision to support the jobs bill. In fact, when Dick Cheney is fully recovered from his latest heart attack they have suggested he take Brown hunting.
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The latest update in the U.S. healthcare wars: In a recent poll, a majority of Americans would oppose a move by the Senate to use a parliamentary procedure called ‘reconciliation.’ Well, yeah, but doesn’t “reconciliation” just conjure an image of an apologetic husband at a podium flanked by an unhappy looking wife?

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It’s 130a – time for a tape-delayed post…?

February 25, 2010

Well, one positive thing from this Olympics.

Vancouver stands to get a lot of future tourist business as a warm weather winter destination.

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The USA hockey team is one win away from playing for a gold medal, and NBC insists on showing the games broken up in pieces, on about a three hour tape delay. (A longer delay on the west coast.) Hey, because nothing populizes a sport that has a hard time attracting attention in the U.S. like showing it hours after most people already know the results.

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Question of the day. Did any of the people in charge of NBC’s Olympic scheduling work for FEMA?

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Figure skating is the worst of the tape delayed events on the West Coast, with the top performers often not being shown until after midnight. So, gentlemen, many of you who work in offices with a number of women now get a sense of how they feel about your productivity during March Madness.

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Dutch speedskater Sven Kramer was disqualified and lost the gold medal Tuesday when his coach sent him the wrong way on a changeover during the 10,000 meter finals. It was the most disastrous Lane change since the University of Tennessee hired Kiffin as their football coach.

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Israel says they have developed planes that can fly without pilots. “Been there, done that”, responded Northwest Airlines.

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Despite allegations of domestic violence and a physical fight with an assistant coach, Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable will not be punished by the NFL. Guess the league figured coaching for Al Davis was punishment enough.

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Most optimistic sign for the San Francisco Giants in Spring Training so far? The Dodgers are now the team with the tempermental left fielder….

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And an “inside baseball” San Francisco joke.

SF Mayor Gavin Newsom had to testify in a criminal trial on Tuesday, and described what he did for a living as “I primarily am responsible for the day-to-day management of city affairs.” What happened to that part about “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

(for anyone who has no idea what that joke means, Newsom spent a lot of last year running for governor, no he’s thinking of running for lieutenant governor, and oh yeah, there were a few little unannounced vacations. “Responsible” is not the first word many San Franciscans would use about their mayor.)

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Beyond “plausibly live.”

February 24, 2010

It’s hard to remember that it wasn’t that many Olympics ago that NBC coined the quaint term “plausibly live.” This year they aren’t even pretending.

“Plausibly live” actually might be a good term for the NBC’s regular season prime-time lineup.

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You know there’s something wrong with television networks when “American Idol” is less tape delayed than the Winter Olympics.

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Republicans are furious with new Senator Scott Brown. He campaigned as an “independent thinker.” And he had the audacity to actually vote like one..

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Some Republicans are maybe just a little over-the-top upset at Scott Brown for voting “yes” on the jobs bill. In fact, rumor has it that Sarah Palin referred to his decision as “f**king retarded”.

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Sarah Palin will be one of the first guests on the Tonight Show once Jay Leno returns after the Olympics. Leno is pulling out all the stops to make her feel welcome, apparently her dressing room will contain a personalized set of Magic Markers

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A Kansas City Royals fan who was hit in the eye with a flying hot dog thrown by a team mascot during a game is suing the club for more than $25,000. The Royals are hoping both to settle the case, and to sign the mascot to a long-term contract. He could be the hardest thrower on the staff.

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The NCAA has notified the University of Michigan that their football program is under investigation. But the University and coach Rich Rodriguez are not worried. With an 8-16 record over the last two seasons, it’s not like they’re going to be hurt by post-season probation.

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Disgrunted Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, still angry over not receiving a gold medal in Vancouver, has now awarded himself a “platinum” medal on his website. Even Ann Coulter is saying “that man is delusional.”

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And think Canada might be getting over their hockey loss?


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After the mini-miracle on ice…

February 23, 2010

Canadians are still reeling from their hockey loss. And many vow their country will get revenge by someday soon by beating us at America’s real national sport. Just as soon as they can first crown a Canadian champion in hot dog eating.

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Isnt beating Canada in hockey like beating a team from Los Angeles in plastic surgery?

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Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir won Canada’s first ice dancing gold medal Monday night. Canadians are thrilled, but wonder…can either of them play goalie?

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After the USA win over Canada, many Americans now refer to themselves as hockey fans. When then asked who they are rooting for to win the Stanley Cup, the number one response. – what’s the Stanley Cup?

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Olympic gold medal figure skater Evan Lysacek has now stated publicly he is dating a fellow Olympic gold medalist — gymnast Nastia Liukin. This is really surprising. A male figure skater is dating a woman?

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Okay, okay, so the U.S. beat Canada 5-3 in ice hockey. But while Canadians may be upset about this for a while, in a week Americans will forget about it and go back to focusing on games they really care about, like Farmville

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After some serious efforts by her fans, including a Facebook group, Betty White may now actually host Saturday Night Live. But she IS old. How old? Betty remembers when SNL was actually funny

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On Monday night in prime time ABC featured “the Bachelor,” NBC featured Olympic ice dancing, and Fox featured Jack Bauer torturing terrorists by showing them “the Bachelor” and ice dancing.

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Commie pinko time.

Dick Cheney is resting comfortably after his “umpeenth” heart medical issue. When he is released from the hospital, however, the former Vice President has a great opportunity to advance the Republican cause of keeping government out of health care reform.

As an educated man he should be able to resign his government health insurance and prove at this point he can find a better plan on the open market.

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NBC – Never Been Correct…

February 22, 2010

But really, what did we expect from the network that has done such an amazing job with their regular prime time lineup?

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Watching the Sunday night show focused on ice dancing brings one thought to mind. Did I accidentally change the channel to a PBS documentary on the Ice Capades?

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Watching NBC’s commercials for “The Marriage Ref.” Now there’s a program that might work well on tape-delay – say, until about 2015.

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Monday night, NBC’s coverage of the ice dancing finals will be aired opposite ABC’s “The Bachelor.” And all over America men will be asking “Honey, didn’t you want me to clean the garage or something?”

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A recent poll showed 86 percent of Americans think goverment is broken. Wow. Didn’t realize 14 percent of Americans were government employees.

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Sarah Palin was a no-show at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Apparently Palin backed out once she heard that for health reasons CPAC requires all their speakers to wash their hands before taking the podium.

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With all this tape delayed Olympic coverage I suppose we on the west coast should start preparing now for Super Bowl XLVI in February 2012. When NBC will probably present us with “Super Bowl Monday”

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American Airlines is now charging $8 for a blanket and pillow. Which you can keep for future use, although there may be a $25 excess baggage charge if you bring them on your return flight.

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Ronald Howes, the inventor of the Easy-Bake oven, died last week at the age of 83. At the funeral, there will be no pallbearers, the casket will simply be powered by a number of 100 watt light bulbs.

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As we move to week two of the Winter Olympics…

February 21, 2010

And NBC is about halfway through their tape-delayed West Coast coverage of week one…

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Question of the night. If ice dancing can be a Winter Olympics sport, why isn’t ballroom dancing a Summer Olympics sport?
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Glenn Beck criticized the Republican party for their love of spending and big government and said they should admit their problem and show the same remorse as Tiger Woods. But is there any comparison? Tiger probably screwed a few dozen women, the GOP’s “don’t tax- spend anyway” policy screwed the entire country.

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During Spring Training yesterday, several SF Giants players showed up early to practice their runs from first to third on a single. Benji Molina was working on his sprint from first to second.

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At his press conference Tiger Woods admitted infidelities but denied his wife had hit him with a two iron. Actually, Elin used a sand wedge.

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Wish I had written these, first from my very funny friend Alan Ray.

“The annual running of the brides was held in Filene’s Basement in New York. Women stampede through a store for a $429 wedding gown. How totally ridiculous. You’d think it was an Xbox.”

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And from Alex Kaseberg:

Some controversy at the Vancouver Olympics. Today three of the men’s figure skaters tested positive for Appletinis.
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Torched image…

February 19, 2010

So you do have to wonder. How did Canada, generally considered one of the world’s kinder, gentler, countries, manage to become a repressive nation in the eyes of the world, for fencing off… a torch?

Vancouver organizers had tried to protect the Olympic flame, and in the process, fenced the cauldron off in such a way that visitors couldn’t really see it, let alone take a picture. The fence is coming down, or at least being moved for visibility. But looking like a insensitive North American bully over something trivial… isn’t that the United States’ job?

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NBC’s tape delayed Olympic coverage means really exciting viewing for U.S. sports fans who don’t listen to radio, watch news, go to online sites during the day, or check their facebook accounts. Which means both of these fans are happy.

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Since Johnny Weir took the fox fur off his costume, the men’s figure skating finals were free from protests. Although looking at the outfits of the other skaters, one almost expected to see some demonstration from PETS – People for the Ethical Treatment of Sequins.
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The latest Olympic glitch was NBC’s broadcasting Shaun White’s profanity filled conversation with his coach after White had been assured his first half pipe gold. Snowboarders use vulgar language? Next thing we’ll hear is that some of them have been known to smoke a little something too.
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From Bill Littlejohn: Lindsey Vonn, helped by a cheese treatment on her injured shin, won the gold in the Olympic women’s downhill. Obviously a master of her Kraft.

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Antawn Jamison was traded from the last place Washington Wizards to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Talk about an upgrade. Sort of how it will be if the Olympic broadcast next time goes from NBC to ESPN.

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Tiger Woods has scheduled his first news conference since his November car accident Friday right in the middle of the Winter Olympics, and the Accenture Match Play championship. Since Accenture cut him as a spokesman, some think Tiger’s timing was motivated by revenge.

But that’s silly. To deliberately try to grab the Olympic spotlight and/or disrupt a major golf tournament would require being a supremely arrogant egotist who had absolutely no regard for the feelings of others…. Ooops, never mind.

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The New Jersey Nets are building a new arena in Brooklyn. But they just announced that for the next two years they have reached an agreement to leave the Meadowlands and play in Newark. What, was Bakersfield not available?

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Olympics and other amateur acts….

February 18, 2010

Many Olympic problems are being blamed on warm weather melting the ice. So maybe THAT’S what’s been happening to the Sharks in the playoffs.

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U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir has been receiving death threats from some PETA members and other animal rights activists because his original costume featured fox fur. Now, I personally hate fur but I hope no one tells these activists that most of Weir’s competitors will have their feet covered in leather.

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The City Council of West Hollywood has voted to ban stores from selling dogs and cats, even though there are no pet stores within the city limits. What’s next, a resolution commending women who haven’t had plastic surgery.

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NBC ran a promo for Jay Leno returning to the Tonight Show during the Olympic telecast. Which probably marks the first time most people have seen Leno in prime time.

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Watching the half pipe athletes playing with their phones before and after their runs: If they want to add both degrees of reality and difficulty, how long until the sport gives boarders extra points for texting DURING their runs?

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Actually “half pipe” might be a bit of a misnomer. Because it seems that if before you’d be brave and/or crazy enough to attempt the event, you’d have to smoke a full pipe.

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Bobby Bowden said he didn’t want to retire from Florida State, but he didn’t want to be a “figurehead football coach.” Besides, if he had been interested in a position like that he would have made more money with the Oakland Raiders.
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San Francisco mayor and former candidate for governor Gavin Newsom has now announced plans to run for lieutenant governor. Makes sense, if elected, the position will give him plenty of time to run his campaign for his next office.

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Carrie Prejean is complaining again about losing her Miss California title, saying the pageant people WANTED her to pose for Playboy. Is that really likely? Now she COULD have been encouraged to do so by the Republican party….in preparation for a future Senate run in Massachusetts.

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Sign you won’t see at Wrigley anytime soon…

February 17, 2010

Sign you won’t see at Wrigley Field anytime soon but seen on a home in New Orleans:

This IS Next Year.

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Another sign seen in New Orleans – Happy Lombardi Gras.
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Figure skating is being tape delayed so long on NBC that the top skaters aren’t on the air until almost midnight. What does the network think this is, the World Series?
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While many Canadian celebrities appeared at the Olympic opening ceremony, a notable no-show was Celene Dion. Apparently the Canadian government thought it might be a violation of the Geneva Convention.

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Like many television viewers I was switching last night between the Olympics and the Bachelor. It got kind of confusing though, at one point I couldn’t tell if the Russian pairs skaters lost a medal or didn’t get a rose.
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The Fox show “24” shut temporarily down production when Kiefer Sutherland had surgery for a ruptured cyst near his kidney. The operation took place between 2:00pm and 3:00pm.

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Many of the newer Winter Olympic sports like snowboarding started out as alternative extreme sports for disaffected youth. Does this mean that some year in the not too distant future we can expect the Summer Olympics to include beer pong?

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Billionaire Meg Whitman denies reports that with her expensive campaign she is trying to “crown herself governor.” Besides, she says, in the U.S. we refer to it as a tiara.

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I’m confused. Sarah Palin is upset about a Family Guy episode featuring a girl with Down’s syndrome. But it’s a Fox show; I thought the rule was if Republicans make jokes about being disabled it’s acceptable satire.

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Sebastian Janikowski apparently will get a $16 million, four-year contract from the Oakland Raiders, which will be the highest for a kicker in NFL history. It’s an especially nice deal because with JaMarcus Russell at QB, Janikowski won’t have to kick a lot of extra points.

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Dan Quayle’s son, Ben, age 33, is running for a House seat in Arizona. He feels he has the expiriance to help clean up the lejislatire.

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Mystery writer Dick Francis died at the age of 89. The funeral has been scheduled for an obvious place, but at the last minute it will be changed to a surprising new time and location.

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While most Winter Olympic sports are beautifully and technically difficult, they can be boring to watch. Maybe the solution is to combine two at once. Curling and figure skating anyone? (Sort of an ice version of dodgeball.)

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