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Slouching towards opening day..

March 31, 2010

Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener against the Phillies on April 5. If he gets it over the plate the Nats may immediately sign him for the opening day roster.

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President Obama will throw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener on April 5. The Tea Party people are, however, staying away from this one. Not even the most hardened conservative could say with a straight face that government invention could make the Nats any worse.
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The New York Yankees have an ambidextrous pitcher, Pat Venditte, in camp, and he threw with both arms in a game against the Braves on Tuesday. So just how many times in an at-bat do he and a switch-hitter get to change their minds?

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Mayflower Madam” (and St. Mary’s in Moraga graduate) Kristin Davis says she is now running for Governor of New York. Davis, who formerly “supplied” Eliot Spitzer with women, says she wants to legalize and tax both marijuana and prostitution. Well, if she is elected, at least the state won’t have any surprise sex scandals.

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Secretary of state Ame Duncan said in a CNN interview that he is worried about some student athletes who are “simply used by by their universities to produce revenue.” The NCAA denied these allegations and reminded all fans to purchase their Final Four t-shirts online at NCAA.com

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Another reason we love Coach Tara VanDerveer: After the Stanford women won at the buzzer to get to the final four, a shot following two impossibly easy missed layups by Xavier, one of the players stated:. “That’s got to be divine intervention.” Tara’s response – “I believe God has better things to be doing,”

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Wonder why Ricky Martin chose this week to say he was gay? Maybe he figured the news would go unnoticed while people focused on the equally shocking new study that found Yankees players were the highest paid professional athletes.

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The Oakland Raiders are rumored to be trying to deal for Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles want a top draft pick. Shame Oakland can’t make the deal by giving Philadelphia one of their recent top draft picks.

(like Jamarcus Russell or Darrius Hayward-Bey.)

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As Jesse James becomes the latest celebrity husband to head into rehab, one question comes to mind. Will we ever see one of these guys decide they need help BEFORE they get caught by the tabloids?

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Larry Ellison is thinking of buying the Golden State Warriors, a team with consistently great attendance and consistently bad to mediocre results in the actual games. What, were the Cubs not available?

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And it’s Al Gore’s birthday today, March 31. Not to say Al’s getting up there, but Tipper is leaving the candles off his cake to help reduce global warming.

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Post St. Patty’s toast…

March 18, 2010

Still in the Irish spirit, here’s a toast…

“May your troubles last as long as your perfect March Madness brackets.”

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Serious thought – yes, I have them occasionally – on the eve of March Madness. Want to raise the abysmal graduation rates for NCAA D1 basketball? Tie scholarships to the number of previous year’s graduations.

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Not sure if the Texas Rangers have finalized the advertising signs this year for their Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. But I think it’s a safe bet we won’t be seeing ‘Things go better with Coke.

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Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has suggested NCAA teams be banned from post season play unless they have at least a 40 percent player graduation rate. And student-athletes from many top seeded teams are complaining “No fair, that’s well over half.”

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The Washington Nationals, 0-11 in Spring Training, and with the worst record in baseball last year, have indicated they probably want phenom Stephen Strasburg to start the season with a AAA team. No word on if that team will be the Syracuse Chiefs or the Nationals themselves.

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First round NCAA men’s basketball stats: Louisville – 38% graduation rate. Cal – that academic powerhouse – 20% graduation rate.

(yes, this blog does have an occasional Stanford bias.)

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So Barack Obama may have secured Dennis Kucinich’s vote on healthcare by taking him for a ride on Air Force One. Which was a more positive methodology than Obamas original idea – threatening to send him to ride on Amtrak with Joe Biden.

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Thieves apparently broke into an Eli Lilly warehouse in Connecticut and stole over $70 million worth of drugs. Wow. At today’s retail prices that’s medication for at least a dozen people for a year.

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Orly Taitz is a leader of the “birther movement,” and has filed many lawsuits claiming President Obama was not born in the United States. Now she is running in the California Republican primary for Secretary of State. Wonder if Orly has to declare her birthplace in the filing papers? It would be nice to know her home planet.

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As the Super hype continues…

February 2, 2010

Rain forced media day at the Super Bowl indoors today. The Florida storm, however, did not flood the streets. Disappointing all those reporters who wanted to see Peyton Manning walk to today’s interview.

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President Obama is taking some grief for his use of a teleprompter. You do get the feeling, however, that if George W. Bush was accused of over-reliance on a teleprompter that Fox News would headline the story “President displays exceptional reading skills.”

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When asked about his verbal gaffes, GOP chairman Michael Steele responded -“Accidents happen, baby.” Didn’t he steal that line from John Edwards?

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Or in Edwards’ case the punctuation is different:
“Accidents happen. Baby.

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A new museum has opened in London – Abbaworld. No joke. With original costumes amongst other mementos. And of course nonstop music. Should be great for the London economy. Because men will hear about it from their wives and say “Honey, could we go shopping instead?.

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“This just in; Brett Favre has announced he is going to get a Facebook page. As soon as he decides on his status.”

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Legendary newspaper writer Herb Caen died 13 years ago today. Already there are young people and young adults in the SF Bay Area who are asking “Who’s Herb Caen?” Let’s hope in 13 more years the same demographic isn’t asking “What’s a newspaper?”

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Suspended Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas wrote a contrite op-ed for the Washington Post, acknowledging among other things that guns “are not joking matters,” and that he deserved his suspension. Arenas also pledges to try to “right his wrongs,” especially insofar as the example his behavior set for young people…

Let’s see, a thoughtful apology actually accepting responsibility…. This settles it, Arenas doesn’t belong in Washington.

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Johannesburg’s Sunday Times newspaper, citing unnamed friends of the woman’s family, reported that 67 year old South African President Jacob Zuma has had a child with a woman who is not one of his three wives nor his fiance. This is not expected to affect his career.

In related news, John Edwards announced he is moving to South Africa.

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Scott McCarron, who allegedly called Phil Mickelson a “cheater” for using a particular kind of sand wedge, now clarifies his remarks by saying “‘It’s cheating.” but “I never called Phil Mickelson a cheater.”

I think I like “it depends what the definition of is is” better.

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After boxing day…

December 27, 2009

And Boxing Day, for what it’s worth, is a British holiday celebrated in various parts of the old commonwealth. It has nothing to do with the Pacquaio-Mayweather fight, or for that matter, Charlie Sheen.

After Lockheed donated $400,000 at the last minute for a re-enactment of Washington crossing the Delaware, the 57th annual event was able to proceed as scheduled. Organizers of the event had had to scramble once they discovered that despite their hopes, President Obama would not be to simply walk across.

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So Florida Coach Urban Meyer’s retirement lasted about 24 hours. “Amateur” said Brett Favre.

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Actually the coach now says he will simply take a “leave of absence.” The length of this leave is indeterminate, but for the National Anthem his first game back the Gators have already contracted with Cher.

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Bad news for serious NFL sports fans in the San Francisco area this Sunday. Since the Raiders game against the Browns was in Cleveland, it wasn’t blacked out in Northern California.

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Many New Jersey natives are speaking out against “Jersey Shore,” saying it casts the state in a bad light and should be cancelled. Which would then leave them the problem of what to do about the rest of the Nets season.

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Orlando Magic coach Steve Van Gundy is complaining about games on Christmas Day, saying he feels sorry for people who have nothing else to do on Christmas day, and saying most want to spend time with their families.

Well, judging by the record combined US $278 million take at the movies this weekend, people don’t want to actually TALK to their families.

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If we needed any more signs that the world has too many lawyers, this is an actual sign above a cruise ship bathtub. “For your safety please check water temperature before entering tub.”

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The newest gift?

December 10, 2009

The newest gift this season? The Tiger Woods advent calendar. Every day in December another window opens to a surprise.

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Earlier in the year, Representative Joe Baca introduced a resolution to honor Tiger Woods with a Congressional Gold Medal. He has withdrawn the resolution. Apparently he feels that it would set a bad precedent to give a medal to someone who clearly seems to be working towards a career in politics.

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As the number of “transgressions” keeps climbing for Tiger Woods, I have to wonder what’s more shocking, that these stories are coming out now? Or that he managed to keep them quiet so long in the first place?

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How shocking would this headline have been just a few weeks ago? “Tiger’s alleged mistress apologizes to wife.” Even more shocking, the fact that at this point the response of most Americans would be “Which one?”

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CBS is cancelling “As the World Turns” after 54 years. I guess they figured, who needs to produce a soap opera when we have options like “The Tiger Woods Show?”

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Cincinnati’s Chad Ochocinco was fined $30,000 for his latest stunt, briefly donning a mock poncho and a sombrero next to the bench following his touchdown catch during the Bengals’ 23-13 win over Detroit last week, $10,000 more than the fine he got for pretending to bribe an official during a game earlier this season.

Anyone else out there who’s beginning to think Ochicinco might be the NFL’s best value for entertainment dollar?

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Mack Brown of the University of Texas received a raise this week, making him college football’s first official $5 million a year man. Of course, this doesn’t count the coaches who end up getting $5 million a year, when teams like Notre Dame fire them with years left on their contract.

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This week in Copenhagen, thousands are convening to discuss how we all can reduce carbon emissions. So many VIPs are attending, in fact, that the airport is having trouble finding space for the 140 private jets.

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JetBlue is offering a $25 online discount on their flights for the holidays. Wouldn’t it be more practical to give customers a $25 onboard credit while the plane is waiting for takeoff.

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Some say it is ironic that President Obama is accepting the Nobel Peace Prize after committing more troops to a war in Afghanistan. No more ironic than President Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage” act. Or for that matter George W. Bush calling himself the “Education President.

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If the Raiders win in a forest…

November 23, 2009

And almost no fans are at the stadium, and no one sees it on TV, does it still count?

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Congrats to the Raiders on a rare win today. For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team.

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Brett Favre continues to amaze with his performance as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. If this keeps up wonder if Dan Snyder will find a way to track down Doug Williams.

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Once again, the Washington Redskins came close but lost the game, this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe it was a bit of hubris to name their stadium FedEx Field. At least FedEx actually delivers.

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New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets.

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President Obama is getting ready for his first Thanksgiving in the White House, and of course, he plans to pardon a turkey. But most Democrats are telling him, Lieberman just doesn’t deserve it.

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Apparently the President donned a Chicago Bears jacket as part of a NFL promotional spot he has taped for Thanksgiving Day. Not a bad idea, despite all the criticism he has faced, Obama does have higher approval ratings than Jay Cutler.

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“New Moon”, the latest Twilight movie, grossed over $140 million. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Wow. That means some of those women actually got men to show up?

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The number two movie this weekend was “The Blind Side,” basically a football-themed chick-flick, which had an audience of 59 percent women. It’s a shame for the U.S. retail industry that the movies didn’t open Thanksgiving weekend, because given a choice between “New Moon” and “Blind Side,” I imagine a lot of men would say, “Honey, why don’t we go shopping?”

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Stanford lost the “Big Game” in football to Cal, which means that the Bears get to keep the symbol of their rivalry – “the Axe – for another year. But the Cardinal next week has a chance to help ax Charlie Weis.

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Apparently fewer Americans will be travelling home for Thanksgiving by air this year. Of course, on Northwest some of them will waive to their homes as they fly by.

No word also on how many Americans will spend the holidays waiting on the tarmac with JetBlue.

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There’s drinking in college, I’m shocked, shocked…

November 19, 2009

A new study in the Journal of American College Health found that 41.5% of college students who live in co-ed dorms drink excessively on a regular basis. The other 58.5% in the survey thought “excessive drinking” is an oxymoron.

Of course, when they tried to do the same study in single sex fraternity houses, most of the guys were too drunk to answer.

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President Obama says he hasn’t seen Sarah Palin’s new book yet. But he thinks he may get a take a look after Sasha and Melia finish coloring it.

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You can tell the NFL season is heating up, the first coach – Dick Jauron of the Bills – has been fired, commentators are already talking about the playoff picture, and Sports Illustrated is already speculating about whether Brett Favre will or will not retire after this year…

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France qualified for their fourth consecutive World Cup on a missed call against Ireland. They won 2-1, but the winning goal was scored on a “hand ball” that the referee didn’t apparently see. Who was in charge of officiating anyway, the SEC?

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The Oakland Raiders for now have benched Jamarcus Russell and given their starting quarterback job to Bruce Gradkowski. Coach Tom Cable’s hope is that this will turn their fortunes around. But considering their overall lineup, this will probably work about as well as NBC moving Jay Leno to 10pm.

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The NBA New Jersey Nets are 0-12. Yes, that’s right – 0-12. This is as embarrassing as anyone on the team can remember. Other than admitting they’re from New Jersey.
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A new academic study reported in the Toronto Star says “that gut-wrenching fear of defeat and outright despair are what make sporting events truly enjoyable for those watching.” Well, if true, that means that Wrigley Field has just overtaken Disneyland as the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Bud Selig said that next year Major League Baseball will try to have less off-days between playoff games. Translation, Fox has decided the World Series going into November hurts their fall schedule.

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German filmmaker Gunter Wallraff is under heavy criticism for donning blackface to investigate the plight of blacks in Germany. Bill Littlejohn was shocked—there are blacks in Germany?”

The biggest problem Wallraff apparently faced during filming, everyone who met him kept calling him “Mr President.”

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Will the last Golden State Warrior to leave Oracle Arena turn out the lights?

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Monday thoughts.

September 21, 2009

As San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy and Carney Lansford keep insisting that they are trying to teach the their team plate discipline, one thought comes to mind. If Mike Singletary coached the Giants and told them not to swing at the first pitch, they wouldn’t do it more than once.

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Amazing thought, with the 49ers at 2-0, the best professional football team in California at the end of September this year will not be the USC Trojans.

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So this year Washington, last year Oregon State, then in 2006 Stanford. Sounds like the Trojans game plan is “Underachieve Some Conference” games.

As much as I would like to see a BCS playoff, I must say that I hate the thought of giving Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans a second chance every year at the national title, after their annual mail-it-in loss to some mediocre or worse Pac 10 team.

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To push his healthcare plan, President Obama appeared last weekend on all five Sunday morning talkshows. Talk about overexposure – who does he think he is, Peyton Manning?

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The Houston Astros, 70-79 and long eliminated from playoff contention, fired their manager with 13 games left in the season. Talk about locking the barn door after the horse has not only bolted, but also run 20 miles down the road into the next county.

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Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman, a lefthander with a 102 mph fastball, has established residency in Andorra while he files for free agency. Apparently he really plans to live in the tiny country, while he is not playing for the Yankees or Red Sox.

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NFL week one etc.

September 14, 2009

Cincinnati lost to the Denver Broncos on an 87 yard last second tipped pass, a play that was aided by defensive mistakes. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bengals in recent memory. Well, without the police being involved.

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How bad was Quarterback Jay Cutler’s play in the Bears opening day loss to the Packers. By the fourth quarter Chicago fans were calling for the return of Rex Grossman.

Drew Brees threw six touchdown passes on Sunday, which tied the Saints’ single game record. No word on if because it was against the Lions the record will have an asterisk.

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The Green Bay media is praising Aaron Rodgers for a great season-opener, including his last minute drive to lead the Packers over the Bears. But to be fair and give credit where credit is due, they do say the Vikings seem to have a good running game.

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The Lions extended their regular season losing streak to 18 games. There went Detroit’s early hopes of cracking the AP College Football top 25.

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C.C. Sabathia won his 17th for the Yankees, 13-3 over the Orioles. The offensive outburst came without much help from A-Rod, who was on the bench after being ejected in the fourth. Well, that’s one way to get some practice for the playoffs.
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After their upset of Oklahama State, the Houston Cougars are in college football’s top 25 for the first time since 1991. To give you an idea how long ago that was, Brett Favre was just contemplating his first retirement.

Barack Obama condemned Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s MTV award acceptance.. But the President intends to give Kanye a chance to redeem himself; in fact he has invited the rapper to attend Joe Biden’s next speech.

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September might be a harsh reality check for Obama, as he realizes the limits of his power in Washington. Oh, he will probably get health care passed. But there is nothing he will be able to do about the Redskins.
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Serena Williams ending up forfeiting match point after a profanity-laced tirade in her U.S. Open semi-final. So much for all those who say the women would never catch up to the men’s game.
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Serena Williams’ over-the-top outburst at the U.S. Open, will cost her at least a $10,000 fine. Had she just yelled “You lie,” she might have offset that fine with contributions from Republicans.

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Second verse, same as the first….

August 25, 2009

Ever remember that old kid’s song with the refrain “Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse…”?

Giants Box Score from Friday’s 11-14 loss to the Rockies.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR

Miller, Ju (L, 2-2) 0.2 4 4 4 2 0 1
Valdez, M 0.2 2 4 4 3 1 0

And tonight’s 6-4 loss in 14 innings.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR
Miller, Ju (L, 2-3) 0.0 1 3 3 2 0 0
Valdez, M (BS, 3) 0.0 1 1 1 0 0 1

So yes, for Justin Miller that’s a total of 2 outs, 5 hits, 4 walks, SEVEN earned runs.
And for Merkin Valdez thats 2 outs, 3 hits, 3 walks, FIVE earned runs. Including tonight’s walkoff grand slam.

12 earned runs, a total of 1 and 1/3 innings. That’s more than Giants hitters get in many weeks.

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So who’s bringing the sign tomorrow to A T and T park? “Miller and Valdez – Wild Card Death Panel.”

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For Giants fans, tonight will go down as an epic. Sort of like Waterworld.

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Plaxico Burress says that the nightclub security staff was aware he was carrying a gun into the nightclub the night he accidentally shot himself.

If true, that’s got to make New Yorkers feel warm and fuzzy and safe. I mean, guns in sweatpants, what could possibly go wrong?

But his story does perhaps illustrate a potential niche service for NY clubs. Hat check, coat check, gun check….

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And back to commie pinko time…..

A story in the NY Times says with all the various appointments and resignations, almost 27 percent of Americans will soon be represented by at least one unelected senator. Big deal, after the 2000 election 100 percent of us were represented by an unelected president.

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Apparently President Obama brought five books with him on vacation. In a display of bipartisan goodwill, when former President George W. Bush heard about it he sent Barack a brand new box of crayons.

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What else could the President do wrong?

August 9, 2009

Okay, the commie-pinko joke first, not that our President is perfect. But….

If the President announced a plan to cure cancer, the Republican headline response would be “Obama plans to put thousands of doctors out of work.”

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Manny Ramirez and the Los Angeles Dodgers are coming to San Francisco for the first time since his 50 day suspension for a female fertility drug. In Manny’s honor, all ice cream vendors will also be giving out free pickles.

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Will Manny’s “walk-up” music in SF be “Having my baby?”

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O.J. Simpson’s attorneys have been trying so far unsuccessfully that Simpson be granted bail while he appeals his armed-robbery and kidnapping convictions.

Apparently the lawyers have yet to convince the judge that O.J. won’t cut and run.

The lowly Washington Nationals have actually won eight games in a row. Not that it means they will end up with a great season. But at least their games are now being broadcast without the disclaimer “parental discretion advised.”

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The U.S. birth rate dropped two percent in 2008. Some experts attribute it to the recession, some to the decline in immigration, and still others to the fact that Travis Henry is currently incarcerated.

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The bear necessities?

July 30, 2009

BearVault, a San Diego-based company that builds complex containers for campers to keep their food safe from bears, may have met its match. One small female bear now known as “Yellow-Yellow” in the Adironack region of New York has now graduated from opening the company’s childproof medicine bottle type lid, to its most complicated model.

The bear can now open a canister that requires pressing one tab, then turning the lid then pressing another tab. A system that even some humans have problems using.

As to the bear’s name, “Yellow-yellow,” it refers to her tags.” For some reason researchers changed it from her original cute cub name, “Jessica Simpson.”

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It’s July 30, Do you know if Brett Favre is still retired.

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Some in Massachusetts are saying that instead of the Bud Light, Coors, and Red Stripe favored by President Obama, Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates respectively, that the President should have served Boston’s local Sam Adams beer at their White House meeting.

Yeah, what could sent a greater message of peace than an beer named after the man who may have helped provoke the Boston Massacre and certainly instigated the Boston Tea Party?

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Budweiser defended their inclusion in the White House “Beer Let’s Not Bash.” Apparently as suggested by Bill Littlejohn, they even brewed a special beer for the President, titled “Bud Light-en Up.”
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The San Francisco Giants pitching staff recorded their major league leading fourteenth shutout Wednesday. Which is doubly impressive considering they never got to pitch against their own team.

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Commie Pinko alert on this joke.

Fox commentator Glenn Beck said that he “believes” President Obama is a racist. The network’s V.P. of programming immediately disavowed the statement, saying that the Fox News Channel doesn’t know Obama is a racist, but they definitely do know he was born in Kenya.

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He’s back…. The Governor Sanford show continues.

July 23, 2009

Mark Sanford, trying once again to cast himself in the role of Shakespearean hero.

“While none of us has the chance to attend our own funeral, in many ways I feel like I was at my own in the past weeks..”…

His own funeral? No, actually Mark, that was your wife Jenny’s wishful thinking.

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Sanford says now of his affair “it is my belief that this will make me a better father, husband, friend and advocate.” Yeah, what every woman wants to hear…I did it to make us better.

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Governor Sanford is leaving South Carolina again today for yet another personal trip, his fourth in six weeks, this time a two-week family vacation in Europe. While the state unemployment rate is high, is the best way to show empathy to become a nonworking governor?

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In a recent poll, Jon Stewart was voted the most trusted newscaster in America, in a match up against Brian Williams, Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. This is shocking, there are actually 55 percent of Americans who trust the other guys? (and gal.)

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But yes, it’s come to this. When you watch Jon Stewart, at least you do feel like “that’s the way it f**king is.”

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Some Republicans are still questioning Obama’s birth certificate. Okay, fine, let’s admit it, President Obama was not born in Hawaii. As a baby he was sent here by his father Jor-El in an escape rocket from the Planet Krypton.

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The lowly Oakland As won 16-1 against the Minnesota Twins. 16 runs. As the San Francisco Giants call that…a good week.

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ESPN has banned New York Post reporters from their programming after the newspaper reproduced grainy (and partially blacked out) images from the illegal video taken of a nude Erin Andrews. Said the Post in response, “We would never try to exploit the situation and by the way, that’s http://www.nypost.com.”

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The almost Fourth of July.

July 3, 2009

Most American business are celebrating Independence Day today, July 3. And George W. Bush is thrilled, saying “I knew ‘When is the Fourth of July holiday?’ was a tough question.

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Shaquille O’Neal says that his motto in Cleveland will be “a ring for the King” (referring to Lebron James.) Either he is promising a championship or he is bringing a good referral from Kobe’s jeweller.

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In the midst of a budget crisis, Arnold Schwarzenegger is having a difficult time dealing with unruly legislators in California. Which disappoints all those who voted for him based on the leadership skills he showed in “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Staples Center will be the site of Michael Jackson’s public memorial ceremony. The arena has a great deal of experience hosting thousands of crying people, although usually they are Clippers fans.

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It’s been a tough week for celebrity deaths. On the bright side, when was the last front page story about Jon and Kate?.

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Joe Biden is on a diplomatic mission to Iraq and will stay longer than either President Obama or Bush did in the country -two full days. But to be fair, Biden told Obama he needed time to say a few words.

Two days of Joe Biden talking?!! Didn’t President Obama promise not to torture?

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And just a twisted thought, will Karl Madden be buried with his American Express card?

Followed by another twisted thought from Bill Littlejohn.

“Shaq’s motto in Cleveland will be ‘Win a ring for the King’. As opposed to what he did in Los Angeles for Kobe – “‘Put up a brick for the…” Oh, never mind..

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Theme song for Governor Sanford?

June 25, 2009

My suggestion for a theme song for formerly missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? “Don’t cry for me, I’m in Argentina.”

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Or possibly “Crying for me in Argentina.”

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This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republican party, since last week.

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I mean, how can you reasonably expect people to believe you confused Appalachia and Argentina? Unless your name is George W. Bush.

And this great follow up from Zev Karlin-Neumann – apparently his advisors told him if he wanted to be President that he needed more experience in foreign affairs.

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Just a thought, has anyone told the Republicans that having Presidential aspirations doesn’t mean you have to aspire to be President Clinton.

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I’m not sure who will end up with the Republican nomination, but at this point my money’s on someone who’s had prostrate surgery.

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President Obama became testy with reporters this week and said that he “did not operate on a 24 hours news cycle.” Former President Bush commented that he agreed, and in fact preferred a mountain bike himself.

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Let’s see, Eliot Spitzer, Rod Blagojevich, and now Mark Sanford. It’s hard to believe there was a time when comedy writers looking for material on governors had to settle for them being either a former pro-wrestler or actor.

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The U.S. Soccer team upset the top-ranked Spanish team. The last time something this embarrassing happened to Spain, the Armada was involved.

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Michael Jordan’s son says he is leaving the University of Illinois basketball team to focus on this studies. The number one response from fellow college basketball players – “What are studies?”
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Manny Ramirez continues his rehab assignment in Albuquerque. Apparently the slugger has also been using his suspension to line up more endorsement contracts. Like “First Response.”

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Father’s Day sponsorship

June 21, 2009

In this commercial age, many people think Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day are basically sponsored by Hallmark. Father’s Day, however, is still sponsored by the NBA.

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USC’s basketball team allegedly gave financial incentives to recruits under former coach Tim Floyd. As Floyd’s replacement, the Trojans hired Memphis Grizzlies assistant coach (and former Toronto Raptors head coach) Kevin O’Neill. Makes sense, O’Neill has experience dealing with guys who have been paid to play at a top amateur level.

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Barry Zito, who has pitched better than his record indicates, nonetheless notched his fourth win of the season against seven losses today. At a $14 million a year salary this pro-rates to something about $1.5 million a win. Or as the Yankees would call that – a real value.
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The wrecking ball used to demolish New York’s Shea stadium is for sale on Ebay. Apparently the highest bidders are a coalition of pitchers who want to use the ball on the new Yankee Stadium.

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By the way, if A-Rod’s home run records are tainted because he tested positive for steroids, how much less tainted are they for now hitting in Yankee Stadium?
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President Obama is still taking heat from PETA over swatting that fly. But apparently it is going to get worse. Sarah Palin is claiming that he should have left the fly alone as it was underage.
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Another tacky difference between Obama and Clinton. This one is very tacky.

President Obama says he loses sleep over fears of mounting deficits. As opposed to President Clinton, who lost sleep over thinking about who to mount.

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Long speeches, short marriages.

June 18, 2009
President Obama gave the longest speech of his presidency today to the AMA.  56 minutes. Or as Joe Biden calls that, “introductory remarks.”
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The San Francisco Giants have been struggling this season to score runs.  One potential fix.  Trade Jonathan Sanchez to another National League West  team.
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The Red Sox beat the Florida Marlins 6-1 today in the 500th straight sellout at Fenway Park.  Said many of the Marlin players in post-game interviews – “What’s a sellout?”
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Billy and Katie Lee Joel are separating after five years of marriage.  Apparently the relationship ran into trouble when Katie Lee went through puberty..
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Kate Moore,  age 15,  from Iowa, won the National Texting Championship.   No word on who won the over 18 Senior Division.
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The Lakers drew thousands to their celebration of the team’s 15th NBA title. Not to be outdone, the Clippers promise their fans a celebration next year if and when the team gets their 15th win.

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If 48 is old…

June 17, 2009

 Apparently British singing sensation Susan Boyle may appear on “American’s Got Talent.” 

Judge Piers Morgan said she absolutely would appear “If she’s up for it and she is well enough.”   He added, ” She still gets a bit tired sometimes, but she is 48.”

Well, heck, would hate to put an older person under that kind of stress.  Good thing that until August 4, 2009,  Barack Obama is 47.

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For the San Francisco Giants, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and Randy Johnson are a combined 21-7.  The rest of the pitching staff are 13 -23.    Which means the team’s slogan could be “Tim, Matt and Randy, then have vodka handy.”

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Sammy Sosa became the latest player whose name was leaked as testing positive for steroids.   In an ESPN poll, two percent of respondents said they were shocked. Didn’t know that many people lived on the North Side of Chicago.

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Actually, Sammy Sosa’s first home run of his career was off Roger Clemens.  So while the purists rewrite the record books, here’s a question – Do two asterisks cancel each other out? 

And if a “clean” hitter had a home run against a juiced pitcher, should it count double?  Ditto should a “clean” pitcher get extra credit for striking out a juiced hitter?    The mind boggles.

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Apparently some company has made a new solar powered vibrator.  Will their motto be “shine and rise?”

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The latest controversy surrounding Nayda Suleman, that the website photographers she is using have not obtained the proper child labor permits.    Yeah, what’s wrong with this picture?  The state requires permits to video the octuplets, but not to have them in the first place.

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British Airways has made a suggestion to employees:  To help the airline through a difficult time, work for up to a month without pay.  Coming soon to a drink cart near you – the flight attendant tip jar.

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We’ve all changed our minds..

June 5, 2009

Brett Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, says of the currently-retired-at-this-moment quarterback  “We’ve all changed our minds, I guess.”

Isn’t this like someone saying of Bill Clinton ‘We’ve all lusted in our hearts?”

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Definition of eternity.  Joe Biden trying to compress his thoughts into a 140 character Twitter.

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The San Francisco Giants are celebrating Randy Johnson’s 300th win.  Even though out of that 300 win total, he has more wins against the Giants than with them.

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this one from Bill Littlejohn:  A doctor says that Lamar Odom‘s inconsistency in the playoffs is due to a large amount of candy consumption that leads to highs and crashes.So, when Lamar is on the court, I guess the Lakers go into a Twinkie Defense”

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Mine that Bird is being hyped as a great Canadian horse because he raced as a two year old in  Toronto despite being born in Kentucky.    Maybe it’s payback for the “American” teams – Pittsburgh and Detroit-  fighting for the Stanley Cup.  (Since most of them were born in Canada, and Europe.)

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President Obama opened his speech in Cairo with a greeting in coherent Arabic.   Much of the Muslim world was shocked.  “Tell us about it”, said all the Americans who are still getting used to our President opening a speech in coherent English.

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500 strikeouts in Washington…

June 3, 2009

 

Tim Lincecum got his 500th strikeout Tuesday night.  Which is amazing.  He’s only 24 years old.  And he hasn’t been able to pitch against the Giants lineup.

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The last time there were 500 strikeouts in Washington, it was a Star Trek convention looking for dates to the final dinner..

 

The NBA finals are finally starting on Thursday.  The League’s goal is to have them finished in time for the 2009-10 preseason.

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The Obama puppy, Bo, chomped on a reporter’s microphone.  The President apologized profusely and said the dog made a mistake; they were training him to take the mike from Biden.

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Will Ferrell’s “Land of the Lost”  is opening Friday.    But I’m just not sure how interested Californians will be in a documentary on the Republican party..
 
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In the next issue of Rolling Stone,  American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert will apparently admit he is gay.  This will come as quite a shock to both people who are just getting over the discovery that Clay Aiken is gay.

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So now Americans have been told they will have to see their tax dollars continue to subsidize an aging relic from a past generation.  But the public financing from John McCain’s campaign is almost paid off.  It’s this GM thing that is troubling.. 

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Carly Fiorina wants to be a California senator, but she has only voted in about 20 percent of elections since she registered to vote in the State in 2000. Meg Whitman wants to be governor, but has voted in less than half the elections since she registered in 2002.

Don’t they understand?  You don’t miss votes until you get elected and then you start campaigning for your next office.

 

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The Ohio State Buckeyes were eliminated in the NCAA baseball regionals with back to back losses  – 24-8 to Georgia and 37-6 to Florida State.  (No, those aren’t typos.)   Only smiles around baseball diamonds in Columbus have to be on the faces of potential walk-on pitchers.

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