Shark attack – or attacked?

Posted May 12, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

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In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

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Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

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Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

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And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

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Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

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Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

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Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

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Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

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The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

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Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

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A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

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Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

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A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

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Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

Comments: 5 Comments

Moving on.

Posted May 11, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

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The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

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The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

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Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

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Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

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Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

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The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

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Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

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So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

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Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

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Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

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In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

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Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

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Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

Comments: 5 Comments

It’s Tuesday morning….

Posted May 10, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Osama bin Laden and the Lakers are still dead.

Meanwhile it looks like Phil Jackson has decided it’s time to quit.  About three quarters after his team did.

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from Gary Morton.  “Another Lakers’ excuse  – Jason Kidd is genetically predisposed with a shooter’s touch. Also an excellent shooter, his younger brother, Billy The.”

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Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated. Wonder if Arnold decided that besides that foreign-birth issue, he hadn’t had enough wives to be a serious GOP candidate for President.

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The moving van series:  Oklahoma City Thunder against the Memphis Grizzlies. Just think, had both teams not moved this would have been the I-5 border crossing series between the Seattle Super Sonics and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

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The Thunder-Grizzlies game four went to triple overtime, making it a real exhibition of two teams playing with heart. Said the Lakers  ‘ What’s heart?”

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At least the Canucks won their second round in the playoffs, so Vancouver fans can’t blame it on something in the water, eh.

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Archarcharch, who fractured a bone in his leg in the Kentucky Derby, will retire to stud at the age of three.  Talk about a pension plan.

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South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Which could mean someday that cellphone batteries could be charged simply by yelling at the phone. As if we don’t have enough people doing that in stores, restaurants and other public places already.

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Tiger Woods has now been dropped to the eighth ranked golfer in the world, following Paul Casey. This came as a shock to all serious golf fans – Tiger is still in the top ten?  (My friend Steve Moyer queries – “Tiger still plays golf?”)

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Can anyone imagine a U.S Airline doing this? Emirates Airlines issued this statement “In line with the recent decrease in fuel prices, Emirates has removed the fuel surcharge on all tickets. We promised our customers from the outset that we would eliminate the surcharge as soon as it was commercially viable, and this has now been done. We continue to closely monitor the situation.”

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So after signing a book deal, and apparently having plastic surgery, Bristol Palin will now star in a new reality show when she and her son Trippi move in with fellow DWTS star Kyle Massey and his brother. Yes, just another chapter in Bristol’s ongoing campaign to show young women how pre-marital sex will ruin their lives.

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Congratulations to all those who had “one week” in the pool. Some right-wing bloggers came out Monday with a story it if were up to the President, Osama Bin Laden would still be alive. Because Obama really didn’t authorize the raid on Bin Laden’s headquarters and that it was really a coup by Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates and Leon Panetta…..  Sigh.

Comments: 3 Comments

Lakers jokes, and other realities

Posted May 9, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Actually comedy writers are in a quandry. I mean, as far as a Lakers’ joke, how can you top Game 4?

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Some pundits said the Lakers’ performance could be excused by their age. Which would make sense if Jason Kidd weren’t about 110.

Seriously, if the Mavericks keep this up, Kidd may be the first player to get a ring while being a card-carrying AARP member.

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The Lakers just kept looking worse and worse. Last team that looked this bad on a Sunday were Osama’s bodyguards.

Add several million Southern Californians to the list of Americans whose rooting interest in the NBA playoffs is now “Anyone but the Heat.”

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Silver lining for the Sharks. Although everyone expected them to close out the series in game five, thanks to the Lakers, San Jose wasn’t even close to the most embarrassing sports story today in California.

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Who’d a thunk it quote of the week from Kobe Bryant: “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win this series.” Maybe he should have said “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win game four.”

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And who’d a thunk it, part two. The Lakers temporarily pushed Frank McCourt out of the #1 subject spot on Los Angeles sports talk radio.

Silver lining for the Lakers on Mother’s Day – the players will now have plenty of time to spend with all the mothers of their children.

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President Obama was on “60 Minutes.”. Which is about as long as any Republican was willing to avoid criticizing Barack after the U.S. got Bin Laden.

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According to National Security Advser Tom Donilon, President Obama gave the go-ahead for U.S. forces to raid a Pakistan compound based on “what was probably a 50-50 case that Osama bin Laden was there.” Well, those were probably much better odds than anyone gave a young black man with the middle name of Hussein to win the presidency.

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President Obama said tonight on “60 minutes” that the mission to get Bin Laden was a closely held secret, with only a few presidential staffers in the loop. In fact, said Obama, “I didn’t tell my own family.” Well, at least that’s the cover story he’s telling Joe Biden.

Comments: 3 Comments

Happy Mother’s Day!

Posted May 8, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be sponsored by the NBA? After all, the league is responsible for creating so many of them.

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Justin Verlander, who just threw his second no-hitter, is only 28 years old. What’s he going to be like when he REALLY learns how to pitch?

(My friend Tony Alan Banks responds “A Yankee.”)

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College and NBA basketball are a different world these days.  A couple factoids about league MVP Derrick Rose:

1.  If he had stayed in school, he’d have been a college senior at Memphis this year.

2. Although actually maybe he couldn’t have stayed in school, because an NCAA investigation determined someone took his SAT test for him. (And this was after some of his high school grades were changed after the fact.)

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Home videos show that Osama bin Laden enjoyed watching television, and recently dyed his beard black in order to appear more menacing.  Apparently he got the the idea during the 2010 World Series.

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Some analysts say gas prices will fall by nearly 50 cents as early as June. And major airlines say they will lower their fuel surcharges as early as hell freezing over.

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Speaking of hell freezing over, a bill to end $6 billion in ethanol subsidies has been co-sponsored in the Senate by California’s Dianne Feinstein and Oklahoma’s Tom Coburn?! Politics does indeed make very strange bedfellows. (Metaphorically speaking in this case.)

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Okay, can you name an athlete who still holds a speed record almost forty years after the fact? I know only one: Secretariat. 1973 Kentucky Derby – 1 minute, 59 and 2/5 seconds.

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Rosie Napravnik, riding Pants on Fire, failed in her attempt to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Surprised no woman has won before. It’s only a mile and a quarter. There’s no need to stop and ask for directions.

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The NCAA has announced they are looking into over 50 car sales to Ohio State student-athletes, to see if those sales met NCAA rules. 

Meanwhile, as part of his punishment for not turning his players in for receiving illegal benefits, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel will attend a five-day compliance seminar in June in Tampa, Fla.. One of the seminar topics is “Division I Major Infractions.”

Attend the seminar?  Tressel could teach it.

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Happy (belated) birthday, Willie.

Posted May 7, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Willie Mays turned 80 years old on Friday.  The “Say Hey” kid is still pretty spry. In fact he clearly remembers every detail of his first hit, against Jamie Moyer.

Okay Giants fans, anyone who watched Friday’s game?  A show of hands from all of you who figured the Giants would come back from 3-0 in the 6th.   Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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And on the occasion of Willie Mays’ 80th birthday, my favorite quote after his miraculous World Series catch was from Giants’ reliever Don Liddle, who threw the ball Vic Wertz hit.  Liddle reportedly came back to the dugout afterwards and said “I got my man.”

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San Francisco Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens has been selected as an astronaut for a space expedition being planned by his native Curacao, as the Caribbean nation tries to start a space tourism program.    When asked why he volunteered Meulens reportedly said that it would be an honor,  he wants to serve his country, and besides Brian Wilson has always spoken highly of his home planet.

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Rough night for the Lakers, who led by seven with five minutes left, and still fell to the Dallas Mavericks, who now lead the best-of-seven series 3-0.   This could be the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles.  Are we sure the McCourts aren’t somehow involved?

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Brett Favre now says he might become a coach or work as a television analyst in the future. Of course it will probably take him 10 years to decide which one.

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Saturday is the “Run for the Roses.” And besides all the folks who forgot and are scrambling for flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s also the Kentucky Derby.

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One of the horses in the Derby is named “Pants on Fire.”  My son points out what a shame it is that there isn’t another horse in the field named “Liar, Liar.”   Because then the stretch drive could be truly memorable.

“And down the stretch they come It’s Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…”

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The San Jose City Council decided not to rename “Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport” to “Norman Y. Mineta Silicon Valley/San Jose International Airport.” Even the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim thought that sounded a bit unwieldy.

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Arthur Laurents, who wrote “West Side Story,” died at the age of 93.   Now, ironically, when San Jose got their hockey team, there was a naming contest and the first-place finisher was “Blades” But the owners were worried about potential gang name associations, and went with the runner-up, “Sharks.” (True.)

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Good thing Baltimore isn’t likely to win the World Series and be invited to the White House anytime in the next decade – Orioles star Luke Scott quoted this week “(President Obama’s) birth certificate has yet to be validated … If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it’s a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate…. Anybody can produce a document, so let’s check it out.”

Al-Qaida has confirmed Osama Bin Laden’s death and vowed “retaliation.” So since their announced plan already was to destroy America, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

Comments: 2 Comments

Implausible deniability?

Posted May 6, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

 Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying.

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And in a sports-related vein,  Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem.

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Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Ron Artest has been suspended from game three against the Mavericks for a flagrant foul on Dallas guard J.J. Barea. Wow, at this point that could be half the Lakers’ season.

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Apparently Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen.

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The Pac 12’s new $3 billion contract with ESPN and Fox will mean a lot more Thursday and Friday night football games, never a favorite of coaches because of what they do to preparation and recovery time. Meanwhile we wonder how some of these kids get the idea it’s all about the money?

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Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left.

(Augie says the Donald dropped out because someone told him he’d have to wear a helmet and muss up his hair.)

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Artest actually just won the NBA’s “J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship” Award last Tuesday.  So does his suspension mean the award will have an asterisk?

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Actually Artest really in general does seem to have turned his life around, and has mostly been a model player who’s made service to the community a priority. (He even raffled off his 2010 championship ring to raise money for mental health charities.) 

But seriously, the NBA’s best citizen?  A few years ago that seemed as likely as Kobe Bryant getting an award as the league’s best husband.

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A top ranked Washington Capitals were swept out of the NHL playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning. The GOP are trying to figure out if there’s a way to blame this on Obama.

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President Obama yesterday wished all Americans a happy Cinco de Mayo. And Sarah Palin responded “Idiot. Had Obama grown up in the U.S. he would know; mayo doesn’t sink.  It floats. Mustard sinks.

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Apparently George W. Bush, despite his invitation from President Obama, declined to attend today’s Ground Zero ceremony because he was feeling left out and not getting much credit. Of course, part of the problem is that Cheney made him feel the same way.

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Comments: 1 Comment

Too gruesome?

Posted May 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Apparently photos will not be released because they’re too gruesome. And besides pictures of the Lakers’ shooting in game two, President Obama won’t release pictures of Bin Laden’s corpse either.

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Rough few days in Los Angeles. The Dodgers found out that the team doesn’t have enough money to cover their paychecks. And the Lakers didn’t do anything to earn theirs.

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Now that we’ve got Bin Laden, time for the important stuff: The DOJ apparently has sent the NCAA a letter asking why there isn’t a playoff system for college football, saying “serious questions” continue to be raised about whether the current Bowl Championship Series complies with federal antitrust laws.

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Well, so much for all those doubters who didn’t believe Boise State had a big-time football program. They’ve now been charged by the NCAA with rules violations and have self-imposed sanctions. Another step closer to joining the SEC!

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Although the World Champion San Francisco Giants have been in a serious slump at the plate for weeks, many long-time team observers say not to hit the panic button yet. Besides, the way the Giants are going, if they went for the panic button they’d swing and miss.

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Tim Lincecum struck out 12 against the Mets tonight to move ahead of Christy Mathewson for most double-digit strikeout games in Giants history (29). And most amazingly, Timmy’s done it all before hitting puberty.

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And it’s two wins in a row for the SF Giants, who had been struggling mightily. Of course, maybe these wins should have an asterisk. They were against the Mets.

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Tough times at Citi Field in New York. Have heard the most common chant now has changed from “Let’s Go Mets,” to “Please Go Mets.”

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I’m not a big country fan, but American Idol’s Scotty McCreery could sell out HP Pavilion and a number of arenas across the country tomorrow. (And while he was a high school pitcher, I think it’s a safe bet his baseball career is over.)

From T.C. 

Reports explain how the Navy SEAL helicopters were able to infiltrate the Osama Bin Laden compound and take him out.

His ATC workers were sleeping at the time of the attack.

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Jerry Brown says that to deal with the budget crisis, California may have to cut 20 days off the school year. The Governor’s poll numbers with teenagers just doubled.

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And a tweet from a twit:  Sarah Palin’s latest about releasing a death photo of Osama bin Laden. “Show photo as warning to others seeking America’s destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it’s part of the mission.”

“Pussy-footing around?” Does she mean like the previous administration did in not going after Bin Laden?

Comments: 6 Comments

Front page news

Posted May 4, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

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Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

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The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

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Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

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Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

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Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

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Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

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Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

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If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.

Comments: 5 Comments

Tweets and twitts.

Posted May 3, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Osama bin Laden’s last tweet? “Winning.”

What was more unlikely? The U.S finally getting Bin Laden? Or Kobe missing an open potential game-winning three-point shot?

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There was almost a “24” quality about this military action that killed Bin Laden. In fact, rumor has it that a line cut from Obama’s speech was “The mission took place between 1:00am and 2:00am.”

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A little perspective for a change. Just for one day at least, people in Cleveland have remembered there was a man they hated more than Lebron James.

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What a week. The stock market hits a three year high, Hawaii releases a long-form birth certificate, and the U.S. gets Bin Laden. Fox News is considering dedicating this week to a 24/7 recap of the Royal Wedding.

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Since he had already authorized the attack on Bin Laden, how did the President deliver this joke Saturday night with a straight face?

Talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Obama said to Donald Trump – “You didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir. Well handled.”

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Apparently the attack on bin Laden’s compound was originally scheduled for Saturday, but delayed due to bad weather. So not only did President Obama show off his comic timing at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, Barack also showed he would be great on “I’ve Got a Secret.”

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It’s after midnight in Washington,  D.C.  And both Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Osama bin Laden are still dead.

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The rumors that Sacramento would lose their NBA team turned out to be greatly exaggerated. Who’d a thunk the Kings would last longer than Osama bin Laden?

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from Marc Ragovin:  Did you hear how loudly the Phildadelphia fans cheered word of Bin Laden’s death? For a minute there they must have thought he was Santa Claus.

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Ohio State already has several players and coach Jim Tressel, suspended for five games over the selling memorabilia scandal. Now the school has announced that linebacker Dorian Bell has been suspended for the entire 2011 season for a violation of team rules. This came as a shock to Buckeyes fans – OSU has team rules?

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To be fair, Donald Trump did make a gracious statement today – “I want to personally congratulate President Obama and the men and women of the Armed Forces for a job well done. We should spend the next several days not debating party politics, but in remembrance of those who lost their lives on 9/11 and those currently fighting for our freedom.”

Possible translation “I can’t figure out how to take credit for this one.”

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Cover stories?

Posted May 2, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

What a leader. Wonder if it will come out that our President had actionable info on Bin Laden a few days ago, but didn’t want to upstage the Royal Wedding?

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Wonder how long it will take Donald Trump to demand that the President produce Osama’s death certificate?

 You think you’ve had a long night? How’d you like to be an east coast editor who at around 11pm had just finished putting together the front page and first section of tomorrow’s newspaper?

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For that matter, think the oddsmakers in London and Las Vegas may have just adjusted the odds on Obama’s re-election.

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Meanwhile Donald Trump told NBC, remember how I said I was quitting Celebrity Apprentrice next year for a potential campaign? Can I get back to you on that?

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So much for the San Francisco Giants’ bats being the deadest thing in the news today.

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Good news, bad news. My friend and great comedy writer Jerry Perisho just announced he had May 1 in the Osama bin Ladin death pool. Alas, it may have been May 2 in Pakistan.

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Just posted on Craigslist? 

For rent: Large mansion outside Abbottabad, Pakistan. Available for immediate occupancy. Will be in good condition once some smoke damage cleaned up and a few bullet holes patched.

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Even the SI.com headline writer must have gotten a little excited. This is, at the time of posting, a headline as a “top story” on SI.com

Paulino, Phils top Mets in 14th

(Ronny Paulino just came off the DL, and made his second start of 2011, for the METS!  And yes, the Mets won 2-1 in 14. Which many New Yorkers found as hard to believe as the U.S. killing bin Laden.)

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Back to the lighter side:

“Glee” has been taking some heat from religious conservatives because of a pretty chaste kiss between two boys on the show. So where are all these conservatives during the “fantasy suites” episodes of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? (For the uninitiated, those are private “overnight dates” offered to the last three contestants in each season.)

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Donald Trump said after the White House Correspondents dinner that it was “inappropriate in certain respects,” and said he spent the evening thinking about how “the American people are really suffering and we’re all having a good time.” Then the Donald got in his private jet and flew home for the rest of his weekend.

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And congratulations to former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen, who picked up his fifth save of the year today against the SF Giants. Of course Storen always did look good against college level hitting.

Comments: 4 Comments

A stand-up president.

Posted May 1, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

 President Obama told a number of self-deprecating jokes at the White House Correspondents dinner, including about his much-maligned use of a teleprompter. Although let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

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The Correspondents dinner is one of the best-attended media events in Washington. Why, there were probably reporters there from over 100 publications Sarah Palin’s never read.

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Text message tonight from Donald Trump to his staff – “find something to investigate about that little sh*t Seth Myers.” (Note to the Donald, at least try to fake being able to be the butt of jokes.)

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American Airlines is bringing back Happy Hour in May, with discounted alcoholic beverages for flights departing between 5p and 559p. American says the promotion has been a success in the past, both last December for passengers and earlier this year when they offered it to pilots.

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For casual baseball fans, if you’ve ever wondered what the term “effectively wild” meant, I give you these stats from today’s SF Giants 2-1 win over the Washington Nationals. Jonathan Sanchez walked or hit 7 of the first 10 batters he faced, Brian Wilson loaded the bases on two walks and a hit batter before ending the game on a strikeout.

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And San Francisco won the game on a bases loaded walk. These days that’s a Giants offensive explosion.

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Jim Harbaugh today on Alex Smith, the beleaguered quarterback he inherited as coach of the 49ers.“I strongly feel that Alex is going to be back here.” Guess Harbaugh really wants Andrew Luck with next year’s #1 draft pick.

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Another post-wedding thought: Katherine Middleton’s genes will help. But the British coinage and stamps will also all be more attractive some day because Charles waited to marry Camilla until AFTER he had children.

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And the wedding apparently cost about $82 million. For the boost to the British economy, in terms of tourism and all the crap, er, high class souvenirs, they are selling, this isn’t a bad deal. Much more effective use of money than invading other countries, IMHO.

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The wedding and other post-mortems.

Posted April 30, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

After the Royal Wedding, many men thought Friday morning  – “What a waste of time for a televised non-event… especially when the clips will be available on line…, why would any woman have bothered to watch live? Meanwhile, what time is ESPN’s coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft?”

As they played “God save the Queen/King” wonder if William whispered to Kate “Honey, they’re playing our song,”

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But on the occasion of William’s wedding the Spencer family wanted to make it clear they have no hard feelings towards Prince Charles. In fact when he entered Westminister Abbey with Camilla, Diana’s brother reportedly asked  Elton John to play a song – “The bitch is back.”

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So what would have happened if this man was the presidential or vice-presidential nominee ? Just before he was born, his father sent his mother to California to give birth because, as he explained, “My father had a complex about not having been born in the United States.” The boy was raised in Mexico City, and grew up to be… New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. (source Wikipedia)

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Not a good time for the Braves. First pitching coach Roger McDowell went on a homophobic rant to fans before a game in San Francisco, now pitcher Derek Lowe has been charged with drunken driving. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, Sherman was involved.

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Yellowstone park rangers issued three tickets to people walking ON Old Faithful geyser this week, after the tourists were caught on a webcam. (Old Faithful itself erupts with 204 degree water, and there is only a thin crust of earth covering boiling hot water in many places.) Wonder what percentage of the ticket revenue goes into a fund to cover the costs of Darwin awards.

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Donald Trump insisted, again, that the problem with oil prices is that we don’t have a leader who will simply tell them “you are not going to raise the ‘bleeping’ price.” Strong words from someone who turned down an ownership opportunity because he didn’t even think he could fix the Mets.

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MLB suspended White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for two games because he argued balls and strikes and then complained about being ejected during the game. So I wonder, will his next tweet be a complaint about the fine?

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Well,  as many would have predicted last December, the lowly Carolina Panthers got a Stanford star in the draft. It was, however, DT Sione Fua with the 97th pick.

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And yes, it’s early in the season. But the Giants’ offense has been so hard to find in the last couple weeks that the teams’ batters may soon find their pictures on milk cartons.

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The San Jose Sharks win 2-1 in overtime despite being out shot 46-25 by the Red Wings. If Paul the Octopus wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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Weddings etc.

Posted April 28, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Think positive guys, any woman who stays up to watch the wedding will probably be too tired to fight you for the remote this weekend.

So who’s advertising during the Royal Wedding? My guess is we’re not going to see a lot of beer commercials and ads for Cialis.

Kate Middleton has the added appeal for Royal Wedding watchers of being a “commoner.” But in actually, she is a very unusual  British young woman. For starters, she still has all her teeth.

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This just in: Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate.

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And now that Donald Trump is “so proud” of himself with the Obama birth certificate issue, can he turn his powers to issues that are more important to a greater number of Americans? For example, why did Bud Selig have MLB take over the Dodgers but not the Mets?

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Meanwhile, Frank McCourt is battling the MLB takeover, saying  “Nobody handed the Dodgers to me, and nobody’s going to take it away.”

Yep, based on the financial documents that are coming out, the McCourts stole the team fair and square.

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Actually, maybe what McCourt should say is that his buying the Dodgers was at least as legitimate as Selig’s attempted oversight of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

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Apple now admits to having a locator tracker in their software. Who knew? All we might have needed to do was to send Osama Bin Laden a free iPhone.

The Lakers finished off the Hornets tonight. But who’d a thunk that at the very least New Orleans would have outlasted the Knicks. (And almost outlasted the Spurs.)

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Cam Newton #1. For the Panthers’ sake lets hope this doesn’t become a chapter in a book titled “Not-so-smart teams, Foolish choices.”

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from my son Carey, Newton is about to sign his second pro contract,

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Condoleezza Rice said today of Donald Rumsfeld that “he doesn’t know what he is talking about” and that “Don can be a grumpy guy.” Rumsfeld’s response? Well it might just be to quote Rice on George W. – that Bush’s “intelligence had simply failed to come across to the American people.”

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David Letterman tonight criticized Donald Trump’s questions about how Obama got into Harvard, and how he wrote his book. “It smacks of racism,” says Letterman. “Smack?” More like a full-on punch to the head.

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Teams are really desperate for QBs in this year’s NFL draft. How desperate? If Alex Smith was back in the draft he might even be a fourth or fifth rounder.

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Trump card?

Posted April 28, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 Donald Trump says “I am so proud of myself” for “forcing” Obama to release his birth certificate. So this is what we would have to look forward too with a Trump presidency? Spending a fortune to do something completely unnecessary while ignoring important issues? (Actually sounds like Reagan’s “invasion” of Grenada.)

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And really.  My stock response for years now on the Obama birth question. Okay, if you REALLY think there was a conspiracy and his birth certificate was faked, don’t you think the Clinton machne wouldn’t have unearthed it during the primary?

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Meanwhile, what happened to Trump’s claim that his investigators were “turning up interesting things?” Maybe that meant they have absolutely found the best Mai Tai in Honolulu?

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But now  that Obama has released his birth certificate,  will Trump really follow through and release his tax records. Or will the Democrats hold out for him releasing receipts from his hairdresser?

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Since the birth certificate thing didn’t work out, now Trump is suggesting Obama was a “terrible student, terrible,” and asked “How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard?” “Oh, STFU,” responded George W. Bush.

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At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama.  By assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012?

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That Obama birth certificate is really frustrating for a lot of conservatives. Now they need to come up with a new code phrase to say “It’s because he’s black.”

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Open note to all birthers. Fine, we admit it, President Obama was not born in the U.S. Barack was actually placed in a space capsule as a baby by his father Jor-el and sent to earth just before his home planet exploded.

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from my friend Alex Schubert:  A new survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don’t have relationships at all.

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And back to sports: The New York Mets are apparently $625 MILLION in the hole. Wow, that’s almost as much as the receipts from a sellout at Yankee Stadium.

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Former badboy Ron Artest was just named the winner of this year’s J . Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award, presented by the Professional Basketball Writers Association for outstanding service and dedication to the community. Artest will receive the actual award as soon as the writers can locate enough flying pigs for the ceremony.

 

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Lots of strikes and you’re out.

Posted April 27, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 

Lindsay Lohan said on the Tonight Show that her latest arrest was “definitely a wake-up call.” Yeah, but how many calls does it take? Think Lindsay needs to stop hitting the snooze button.

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The University of Florida dismissed senior star cornerback Janoris Jenkins from the team, less than a week after his arrest for marijuana possession. Jenkins had also been arrested and was on probation for being caught smoking pot in January, 2011 Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana affecting short term memory.

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Regarding the NFL owners pleading that they are losing money but refusing to open their books. This is kind of like one party in a divorce case telling his or her soon-to-be-ex-spouse, “This is all I can afford to pay, why can’t you just trust me?”

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At this point, NFL players may be allowed back to their team facilities, but they won’t be allowed to work out. “Why couldn’t this happen when I played?” asked JaMarcus Russell?

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An Alaska Airlines flight was evacuated last Friday afternoon at John Wayne Airport in California after a “suspicious powder” was found in a lavatory. Which turned out to be toilet paper remnants.. Other airlines have announced they may try to limit such threats by charging for toilet paper.

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William and Catherine (Kate) are trying to semi-economize on this Royal Wedding. But they did turn down an offer from Prince Charles for some of the leftover items from his wedding to Camilla. Apparently the newlyweds will stick with the traditional rice to be tossed after the ceremony, instead of using hay.

Watching replays of  Darren Ford’s miracle run around the bases for the Giants tonight.  (Went from first to third on an errant throw, ran home on an easy grounder when the infielder didn’t look him back carefully enough.) 

Maybe they should change his name to Darren Ferrari.

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So when Darren Ford was called up from Fresno to the Giants and told to get to San Francisco as soon as possible, I assume he ran the whole way?

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On a wet Monday in Pittsburgh, about 2600 fans showed up to see the Pirates beat the Nationals. Or as former Montreal Expos fans called it – “a really big crowd.”

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Sacramento representatives have made their final pitch to convince the league relocation committee that the city really wants and can support an NBA team. And failing that, they’d like to keep the Kings.

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Katie Couric is stepping down as the anchor for CBS News. Well, she lasted longer at the helm than Sarah Palin.

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Stocks closed at their highest levels in nearly three years thanks to stronger corporate earnings and a lift in consumer confidence. So how come none of the GOP Presidential contenders have tried to blame this on President Obama?

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Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters today that “birther” claims are a distraction from more important issues: “Trump and the candidates can talk about it all they want, but my position is that the president was born in the United States.” Translation – “This topic is making us look like a party of fruitcakes.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Will another “one” bite the dust?

Posted April 26, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

The number one seed San Antonio Spurs are one loss away from being bounced out of basketball’s post season. Who do they think they are? The Pitt Panthers?

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Although really, the Spurs on the verge of elimination, and the Lakers are tied 2-2 in round one. Are we sure Butler isn’t somehow involved?

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Nice job by the Denver Nuggets to stave off elimination for at least one more game in the first round of the playoffs. Especially since it means the Nuggets have lasted longer without Carmelo Anthony than the Knicks did with him.

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And yeah, for the first team to be out of the NBA playoffs, and swept out at that, who had Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks? (And who outside of New York isn’t snickering just a little?)

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Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s one-time future son-in-law, is writing a book. In a statement he explained “I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah, and my perplexing fall from grace – how I feel and what I’ve learned, I’m doing this for me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

Well, that and the probable six figure (at least) advance he got.

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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour has announced he will not run for President in 2012. Wonder if this means he can’t find his birth certificate.

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New Orleans police arrested Los Angeles Lakers forward Derrick Caracter. He was charged with public drunkenness and shoving a pregnant cashier at a pancake restaurant. Looks like the Lakers are trying hard to take back the title from the Miami Heat of “America’s most hated team.”

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My friend Tony Banks says this is the first offensive move Caracter has made all season.

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The NCAA has sent a “notice of allegations” to OSU, accusing football coach Jim Tressel of lying and withholding information regarding his players’ accepting improper benefits. I see a “leaving the university I love for an NFL job to help my family” speech in Tressel’s future.

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Donald Trump has now publicly gone after both Jerry Seinfeld and Robert De Niro after they criticized his birther claims. Can’t wait to see what Trump says about the first celebrity who says he’s too thin-skinned to be president.

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Happy half-price chocolate bunny day.

Posted April 26, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but it is a nice coincidence for dentists this year that Easter comes almost exactly six months after Halloween.

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And today is Easter Monday. Second only to the day after Halloween as “Half-price candy day.”

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In Mexico, the day after Halloween is known as “Day of the Dead.”  Which in the U.S. only describes the way many people feel after overdosing on chocolate bunnies and jelly bean eggs.

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In Philly, Easter 2011 may be remembered as the day, however briefly, that the 76ers rose from the dead.

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Former Pennsylvania Senator and current Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum is now calling his vote to create the Medicare prescription drug benefit “a mistake.” Which is exactly what many Pennsylvanians, including Republicans,  are calling their previous votes for Rick Santorum.

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For my hockey fan friends: A 3-0 lead turned into a 3-3 tie with game 7 coming up. The Vancouver Canucks are about to answer the question “What’s the difference between them and the Maple Leafs?” with “A little more than a week.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the series is tied 2-2, and the odds still favor Los Angeles. But if New Orleans somehow pulls off this first round upset, the Lakers can add May to the list of months (currently October-April) where they haven’t bothered to show up.

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And for any Northern California sports fans looking for a reason to root for the Hornets – New Orleans fans do a pretty good “Beat L.A” chant.

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But, okay, who’d a thunk the Mets might have had more wins this week than the Rangers and Knicks put together?

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All you folks complaining about the hoopla surrounding the marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, cut the English and Anglophiles some slack. After all, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish.

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Weddings and beyond….

Posted April 23, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Open note to single men claiming they can’t meet any women: try placing a Craigslist ad looking for a date to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Melania Trump, Donald’s third wife, is a former model and current jewelry designer. She was coy when a reporter asked what she would wear “if she were to attend an inauguration in 2013.” Of course, considering the Donald’s marriage history, it’s not a slam dunk Melania will be anywhere near him in 2013.

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After going 15-22 in three seasons with the Wolverines, former coach Rich Rodriguez told CBSSports.com that he thinks leaving West Virginia for Ann Arbor may have been a mistake. “May have been?” That sound you hear is a collective snicker from several million Michigan fans.

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A D.C. friend responded to me about a question regarding the NHL Washington Capitals -“I’m a casual fan, I root for them but I don’t watch them.” Think that describes a lot of people wearing teal in Northern California.

Despite the San Jose Sharks’ success to this point, tonight they learned why spotting your opponent a three-four goal head start is not universally accepted as a good strategy.

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A reporter interviewing LeBron James referred to Cleveland as “your city.” James’ response. “It wasn’t my city. It wasn’t my team either, I was just a player.” Wonder how many of the few remaining unburnt Lebron jerseys in Cleveland survived that comment.

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The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump “Only the little people vote in primary elections.”

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And anyone who doesn’t like sacrilegious attempts at  jokes stop reading now:

Happy Easter. When we all celebrate Jesus rising from the dead with a basket of chocolate eggs he distributed to all the good little boys and girls….right?

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And remember this, love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Big winds and other disasters.

Posted April 23, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The tornado that severely damaged St. Louis airport also forced the evacuation of Cardinal fans at Busch Stadium.  Apparently it was the fastest emptying of a baseball park since the last seventh inning stretch at Dodger Stadium.

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Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims “something hit me in the face,” during Dallas’s game three loss to the Portland Trail Blazers at the Rose Garden. Is he sure it wasn’t just a face palm?

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The director of a groundbreaking UC San Diego brain bank is looking for donors who will supply interesting life histories, and then their brains after death. The director, Dr. Jacobo Annese, says he would love to have Trump’s brain some day. Makes sense, maybe he can figure out why the Donald appears to have stopped using it.

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Lindsay Lohan received a 120 day jail sentence for a probation violation over her alleged necklace theft. In an interview this week, Lohan said she was eager to put her court cases behind her and once again be known as an actress. Actually Lindsay’s hardest role might simply be acting like a grown-up.

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The Dodgers beat the Cubs 12 to 2 today, for their third straight win since Major League Baseball seized control of the team. Fans in New York are thinking of petitioning Bud Selig to take control of the Mets.

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Saturday night will be game four of the San Jose-Los Angeles NHL first round playoff series.  Now, the two teams together scored seven goals in the second period of game three, five goals in the second period of game four.

Not to say the Sharks and Kings goalies were napping, but they were starting to look like air traffic controllers.

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John McCain, while visiting Libya, told reporters there is  a “significant degree of stalemate,” and more NATO assets are needed. Hmm, wonder if that means McCain will next be calling for NATO to help out with the U.S. Congress.

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My comedy writer friend Neil Berliner bemoans the fact that more people can name the “Three Stooges” than the GOP presidential candidates. But to be fair, there are a lot more than three stooges running for President.

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BYU basketball star Brandon Davies apparently plans to return and play this seaso for the university, despite being dismissed for an honor code violation. (Premarital sex with his girlfriend.) So how does he get his honor back? By marrying the young woman?

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If Davies does marry his girlfriend, will it be a three-point-shotgun wedding?

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