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Vegas, the Cubs and other fantasies

July 25, 2010

Latest trend in Las Vegas, all-day “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure, “what happens in Vegas stays on your hips.”

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Cher is headlining again in Las Vegas. I don’t want to say her face looks a little tight, but even Nancy Pelosi commented, “that woman has had too much work done.”

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Another thought on Cher? Not to say she has had a lot of plastic surgery. But it may have taken more work to get her to look like she does not, than to turn her daughter Chastity into a dude..

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Latest trend in Las Vegas – 24 hour “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure “What happens in Vegas, stays on your hips.”

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Saturday night in Las Vegas was a Justin Bieber concert. You have to figure that for any adult man at the show not with his daughter(s), bouncers should have run them through a sex offenders registry.

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The opening line in 2010, meaning “betting odds” on the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series was 5 to 1, it’s now at 40 to 1. Who knows what it will be in 2011? For Cubs fans, it’s become sort of the betting equivalent of putting money with Bernie Madoff.

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After Lane Kiffin hired away a Titans assistant without the standard courtesy call to the team first, Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher said he was “very disappointed in the lack of professionalism on behalf of Lane.” Which means until now Fisher might have been the only person in America who thought Kiffin had ANY professionalism.

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Alex Rodriguez, an admitted steroids user, is closing in on this 600th home run. And in Paris, the Tour de France crowned another champion amidst clouds of suspicion that darken every year. It’s enough to make sports fans for the purity and honesty of pro-wrestling.

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After Friday’s SF Giants win, Henry Schulman of the SF Chronice wrote: “Manager Bruce Bochy gave Buster Posey a night off Friday and guess what? Planets did not collide, animals did not start talking in tongues, and the Giants did not lose.

But to be fair, they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks.

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Colorado pitcher, Ubaldo Jiminez, who started off the year with a 0.78 ERA in April and May, has a 5.67 ERA in June and July. This might be the fastest anyone’s stock has fallen since Lehmann Brothers.
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Major League Baseball has announced the first testing for HGH – Human Growth Hormone. But the tests will apply only to minor league teams. “Aren’t we suffering enough?”, responded the Baltimore Orioles.

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Midseason form…

July 20, 2010

University of Pittsburgh defensive end Jabaal Sheard has been suspended indefinitely. after he was accused of throwing another man through the glass door of an art gallery. Sheard may not play for the Panthers again, but with that kind of arm and attitude some teams may want him as an NFL quarterback.

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Although besides being suspended from the team, it seems pretty likely Jabaal flunked art appreciation.

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Forever 21, the discount fashion chain beloved by teenagers, is now coming out with a maternity line. I think I see another endorsement opportunity ahead for Bristol Palin.

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According to a London tabloid, the New York Yankees are thinking of bidding on a top soccer team, the Tottenham Hotspur of the English Premier League. I guess it’s not enough for their ownership to be hated on only one continent.

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One sign that we are well into Major League Baseball’s midseason? The All-Star game. The second sign? Kerry Wood is back on the disabled list.
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The Texas Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers in 14 innings, in a game that ended around midnight. Almost five hours. The only thing that’s lasted longer this year for the Rangers is Bengie Molina’s baserunning during last week’s triple.

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Atlanta Braves reliever Jonny Venters was suspended four games for intentionally throwing at Prince Fielder on Saturday. Two games for hitting him, two more games for being stupid enough to throw at the guy most likely to crush you if he stormed the mound.

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Good news, bad news for the SF Giants about Madison Bumgarner. The good news, the rookie pitcher can flat out hit. The bad news, he hits better than the team’s $12 million a year centerfielder. (Aaron Rowand)

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Another day, another nail-biting save for the Giants. Have to wonder, at AA meetings in the San Francisco Area, besides “relationships,” “job stress,” how many people say the reason they drink is “Brian Wilson?.” (Even the SF Chronicle noted in their post game interview with Bruce Bochy that the manager was clutching “a comforting beverage.”)

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At the age of 106 and after living here 40 years, Ignacia Moya today finally became a U.S. Citizen. Her biggest regret – not having been able to vote for that “nice young man,” John McCain.

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Sarah Palin actually seems to be quite fond of her new word “refudiate,” because she has used it repeatedly. Maybe since she’s trying to court the anti-intellectual vote it’s part of her “strategery?”

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From Jerry Perisho The phrase you’re most likely to hear at Chelsea’s wedding: “That’s not an ice sculpture; that’s the mother of the bride.”

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Marc Ragovin again “Whats the big deal about the Yankees’ A.J. Burnett. A lot of pitchers hit the wall this time of year.

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So Republicans want to cut off unemployment benefits because they say it will encourage Americans to be lazy and not to look for work. By that token shouldn’t they want to double or triple the tax on dividends and other unearned income to encourage trust-fund babies to look for work?

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New York State of Mind…

July 18, 2010

Tampa-New York on television this afternoon. When will Fox drop the charade and just start referring to their Saturday baseball broadcast as the “Yankees Game of the Week.”

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I would ascribe this if I remembered where I heard it first, but the numbers bear out. The New York Yankees had eight players selected for this year’s All-Star game. Their combined salaries – $123 million. This is more than the whole payroll for all but four major league baseball teams. ‘Nuff said.

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New York Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett was slightly injured and had to leave the game today when he threw a tantrum and hit some clubhouse doors in the middle of a loss. In a post-game apology, Burnett said he was just trying to pay his own tribute to George Steinbrenner.

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Steinbrenner was laid to rest in a private ceremony Saturday. His family had to organize the ceremony quickly, before George posthumously fired the funeral director.

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Meanwhile, over in the National League, the Mets are trying to figure out the answer to a question…what’s more embarrassing, losing three straight and being shut out for 24 innings by the SF Giants. Or allowing eight runs Saturday night to one of major league baseball’s worst offenses?

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The New York Times has killed off their “Laugh Lines” online jokes column. Of course, maybe looking at the recent news with Lindsay Lohan, Bristol and Levi, and Apple’s “problem, what problem?” response, they figure nothing could be funnier than the front pages.

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In A T and T Park’s 11 year history, there have been 33 opposite field home runs hit by right-handed hitters. (About half the number of “Splash Hits.”) And Buster Posey just hit one tonight. Yeah, I can see why the Giants didn’t think he was ready for the big leagues.

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It might have been easier for sports fans who aren’t history or political science buffs if South African Louis Oosthuizen had his great rounds at the British Open before the World Cup. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise to realize that the Netherlands and South Africa share a great deal of history.

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from reader and comedian Marc Ragovin, about the slow-footed Bengie Molina’s improbable triple Friday night. “Bengie kicked it into another gear as he approached second base: its called neutral.”

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Joe Biden’s 2008 presidential campaign has apparently been fined more than $219,000 for sloppy bookkeeping and accepting excessive contributions. This is shocking, Biden’s presidential campaign actually GOT contributions?

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And pick your punchline for this last one. Divers exploring an 18th-century shipwreck said they have discovered the world’s oldest drinkable champagne. The champagne was apparently intended for a party to celebrate…

1. John McCain’s first successful campaign.

2. Jamie Moyer’s first win.

3. Brett Favre’s first retirement party.

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Oil and other leaks.

July 16, 2010

BP says that at this point there is no more oil flowing into the Gulf. Isn’t this like Tiger Woods telling Elin last Thanksgiving that there were no more women?

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Much of the world is hoping against hope that this latest fix attempt does indeed mean an end to the nonstop oil spill. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to a time where the most disgusting leak of the week was taken by Ben Roethlisberger on a golf course?
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In California, Meg Whitman is spending $150 million to try to win the Governor’s race in a nearly bankrupt state. Now a team led by Joe Lacob and Peter Guber is spending $450 million to buy the Golden State Warriors, a team that won 26 games last year. Are Californians the worst shoppers in the world or what?

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Actually, the new Warriors ownership group outbid Larry Ellison. I guess at some point that Ellison figured, “well, heck, for that amount of money I could buy the governorship of California three times.
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Tiger Woods is using a new putter at the British Open, for the first time since 1999. And he has been catching some flak in the media for having been more faithful to his old putter than to his soon to be ex-wife Elin. In Tiger’s defense, however, he says he has been a lot more successful scoring with his putter.

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Now it looks like Apple execs, including Steve Jobs, knew about the antenna problem and released the iPhone 4G anyway. Note to Apple, when a large part of your brand is “We’re not Microsoft,” it’s probably a good idea not to act like Microsoft

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An 18th century ship hull has apparently been found at the World Trade Center site. The find is historically important on many levels, not least of which is that it may contain initials carved into the wood by Ensign John McCain.

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Latest potential Mel Gibson movie sequel? “What Women DON’T Want.”

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Okay, how slow a news day was Thursday on ESPN.com? This was an actual headline – “Favre remains undecided about return.” Tune in tomorrow when no doubt they will follow with the headlines saying “Yankees will spend what it takes to win,” and “Tiger declines to answer questions about his personal life.”

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At this point signing up to be Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is like signing up to be BP’s public relations agency.

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The “They REALLY don’t get it” award for the year has to go to the Vatican for their latest decree intended to make it easier to prosecute abusive priests. The Church included a provision that made the “attempted ordination” of women a “grave offence” on a par with the sex abuse of minors.

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George Steinbrenner has only been dead for a few days, but says my friend Bill Littlejohn, “Already all of the ‘Angels in the Outfield’ have been traded.”

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Gone but not forgotten…

July 14, 2010

As my friend Andy said about George Steinbrenner, some loved him, some hated him, but no one will forget him.

And that next thunderstorm you hear…probably George and Billy Martin reuniting somewhere.

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New York pitcher Phil Hughes was the losing pitcher in the All-Star game, charged with 2 earned runs in 1/3 of an inning. In honor of George Steinbrenner, the Yankees are thinking of having him traded to the Royals.

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With the death of George Steinbrenner, many people are now crossing “Yankees” off their bumper stickers and substituting “My favorite team is whoever is playing the “Heat.”

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Actually, until Brian McCann hit that three-run two out double, the All-Star Game was looking an awful lot like a World Cup final, albeit without vuvuzelas.

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Although, sorry Bud Selig, when asked, Paul the Octopus said he couldn’t care less who won the All-Star Game.

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Oracle CEO Larry Ellison may be on the verge of acquiring the Golden State Warriors. Which if nothing else should mean that the pundits may stop referring to Oracle’s purchase of Sun as the biggest mistake they ever made.

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And while we’re on the subject of high-tech, so let’s see, Apple’s new 4G iPhone works fine, unless you’re lefthanded, or hold the phone in your left hand. And the company is kind of shrugging it off as no big deal.

How did Apple choose their latest public relations firm anyway? A referral from BP?

The phone is apparently fixable with duct tape. Right, nothing says “I am the coolest person with the coolest newest gadget on the planet” like a phone wrapped in duct tape.

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The Queen of England was given a new Blackberry from Research in Motion on her recent trip to Canada. But I don’t think it will be anytime so that Steve Jobs will be delivering a new iPhone to the White House. (Obama is lefthanded.)

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Senate candidate Carly Fiorina said when she was at HP that “there is no job that is America’s God-given right anymore.” Apparently, however, she does believe millionaires with no political experience have a God-given right to buy elections.

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Sharron Angle, Senate candidate in Nevada, said in an interview today that God is backing her candidacy. Yeah, but Senator Harry Reid soon hopes to announce the support of Paul the Octopus.

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Just wondering, if when two candidates each have God on their side, does God flip a coin or what?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers’ Zydrunas Ilgauskas has followed Lebron James to the Heat. Making sure if nothing else the team will make Scrabble fans happy.

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Great joke from my very funny friend Alex Kaseberg.

“It has been tough for Cleveland sports fans. First, the Cleveland Browns left for Baltimore; then LeBron James leaves for Miami.

And, worst of all, the Cleveland Indians won’t go anywhere.”

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All-star break….

July 13, 2010

Monday through Wednesday of this week Major League Baseball takes a hiatus to focus on televising the All-Stars.

As opposed to the rest of the season when they focus on televising the Yankees.

Actually the Yankees have a name for the All-Star break, it’s “shopping time.”

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Meanwhile in Baltimore, fans can rest assured that for three entire days, their Orioles are guaranteed not to lose.

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For their new manager, The Orioles are apparently interested in hiring television analyst and former manager of the Yankees, Diamondbacks and Rangers, Buck Showalter.

Makes a certain amount of sense. Showalter was fired three times because he did a great job during the regular season, not so well during the playoffs. Shouldn’t be a problem for the Orioles.

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Now Bud Selig has changed things so that the All-Star game will count, to make it more “meaningful” for the players. Yeah, exactly, the lone representative from a cellar-dweller or a last-minute injury replacement from some other mediocre team can hang a slider, or get lucky on a fast ball, and it completely changes a seven game World Series. Sure, makes sense to me.

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Sunday was the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. This year it may be hard to get an actual injury count, since in honor of Spain’s victory in the World Cup, countless runners who weren’t gored simply flopped.

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Now that the World Cup is over, so is having to listening to vuvuzelas. But for those who will actually miss the cacophonous loud sounds, there’s always the American Idol tour.

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It doesn’t look good for Mel Gibson making another Lethal Weapon movie. On the other hand he is definitely the frontrunner for the lead in a sequel to “Despicable Me.”

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The YMCA is changing their name to the “Y” but the Village People have announced they won’t change their song title. Makes sense, besides, how long until no one knows what “Kodachrome” is, either.

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Just another example of why Lebron doesn’t get it. Of course the guy had a right to decide he had given seven good years (well, plus or minus a few playoff games) to Cleveland and it was time to move to a different situation. But the special was the unfortunate equivalent of going on national tv to tell your wife you’ve decided to leave her for another woman.

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Brett Favre has been working out for a while with some high school players in Mississippi. Today he ran away from reporters who tried to ask him about his plans for next year. Apparently Brett’s now not saying anything until he can work out a contract for an ESPN special.

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Newt Gingrich says he’s considering a run for President in 2012. Yeah, who better to defend family values and marriage than a man who’s had three of them?

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Senator David Vitter of Louisiana said today he supports “birthers” challenging President Obama’s citizenship in court, although he admitted his only “direct” knowledge of the issue was from the news media “filter.” Was that the same “filter” that Senator Vitter used to decide that prostitutes didn’t count as part of “…forsaking all others”

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The World Cup is over, but the circus must go on…

July 12, 2010

“Despicable Me” was number one at the box office this weekend. Except in Ohio, where moviegoers thought it was a repeat of the Lebron James’ decision special.

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On the heels of the apparent Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh pact to play together in Miami, comes a story that Amare Stoudemire has a similar arrangement with Carmelo Anthony and Tony Parker to join him in New York. Thus confirming what fans in smaller markets have suspected – NBA stands for Nothing But A**holes.

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But for those who have been watching the whole circus, and trying to decide who is the biggest attention-grabbing “bore”, (or feel free to substitute a rhyming word,) Lebron James or Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, with his open letter tirade to fans, there’s now a third option. Yep, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has now stepped into the middle of the argument, saying Gilbert sees James as a “runaway slave.”

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Monday begins Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break. So there will be no games scheduled. Plus with the World Cup over and the British Open not starting until later in the week, there will be few television options for sports fans.

And Lebron James said, “Darn, why didn’t I think of that?”

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All this talk about a rookie who hasn’t been in the big leagues long but really should be on the All-Star team….. forget Strasburg, how about Buster Posey? Hitting over .350 for the SF Giants, with 7 home runs and 25 RBIs, in 6 weeks.

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After the final World Cup match, FIFA gave out a number of awards to individual players. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait a while though, to see who ends up with the Razzies.
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Over 40 years ago, the water flowing over the American side of Niagara Falls was temporarly stopped for several months, so researchers could study the feasibility of removing some of the fallen rock. Apparently nearby residents had become so used to the extremely loud continous sound of the Falls, that they had trouble sleeping with the quiet.

Wonder if this will happen to soccer fans who may have forgotten what a day was like without vuvuzelas.

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The offensively-challenged Houston Astros fired their hitting coach, and replaced him with team legend Jeff Bagwell. This came as a surprise to Astros fans, many of whom didn’t realize their team HAD a hitting coach.

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Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Phillies and Cincinnati Reds played back to back 1-0 games this past weekend. What did they think they were doing? Auditioning for the 2014 World Cup?

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And apropos of nothing, wonder how many cases of mussels, his treat of choice, are being shipped to Paul the Octopus from Madrid this week. Meanwhile, on the menu in Amsterdam, octopus rijstaffel.

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Bob Sheppard, the voice of the Yankees for over 50 years, died Sunday at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said ‘So tragically young.”

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On a happier note, country music star Carrie Underwood married NHL star Mike Fisher last weekend. It was a strangely symmetrical group of wedding guests. Her friends were thinking “What’s the NHL?” And his friends were thinking “What’s country music?”

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Decisions, decisions…

July 7, 2010

Americans say they can’t get into soccer because it’s a ton of hype, but then a seemingly endless process, with nothing happening until the very end. In the meantime, we remain riveted to the LeBron James decision saga.

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Lebron James apparently will announce his decision about next year in an ESPN one-hour special. Not to be outdone, Brett Favre says he will announce HIS decision about next year in an ESPN mini-series.

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After being caught with codeine cough syrup, JaMarcus Russell was charged with possession of a controlled substance. This might be the first time the words “JaMarcus” and “controlled” have been used in the same sentence.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell has been arrested and charged with possession of codeine.He had been working on his tendency to cough up the football”

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Three reasons Amare Stoudemire signed with the Knicks: 1. $100 million dollars. 2. The chance to live in New York. 3. None of that stressful playoff pressure.

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A fan at Yankee Stadium was hit in the face by a ball while talking on his cellphone. “That’s really awful” said absolutely no one.

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Actually, what do you call a baseball fan hit in the face during a game because he is talking on his cellphone? A good start.

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Who says politicians never utter a true statement? This was Barbara Boxer today talking about Carly Fiorina’s comment about her hair – “You know, if everybody in this state male or female who’s ever had a bad hair day votes for me, I will win in a landslide.”

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In San Francisco, a directive from Mayor Gavin Newsom means that you can’t buy sugary sodas or sports drinks from vending machines on city property. Only drinks like milk (regular and soy), unsweetened juices, water and a limited number of diet drinks are allowed.

I would say the city has become a “Nanny state,” but didn’t Mary Poppins suggest taking medicine with a “spoonful of sugar?”
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Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying before her court hearing for a parole violation that her lawyer “will just fix this like everything else.” She was sentenced to 90 days in jail. Sounds like Lindsay’s judgment about her lawyer is as good as her judgment about everything else.

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Due to the economic situation, Walt Disney World is extending discounts on their travel packages. So this fall a vacation in the theme parks will likely only cost guest an arm but not a leg.

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All-Stars and Falling Stars

July 6, 2010

Although many in baseball thought Vladimir Guerrero was done last year, he signed with the Texas Rangers and now leads the majors with 70 RBI. But we should have known he had some good years left – the San Francisco Giants didn’t offer him a contract.

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The SF Giants have announced “Girl Scout” night at A T and T park July 15, with a necklace giveaway, and some donations from purchased tickets. After a brief pre-game ceremony, however, Girl Scouts will not be allowed on the field. Management is afraid they might beat the Giants.

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Jamarcus Russell was arrested today on drug possession charges. Hard to believe the strong-armed quarterback was once thought of as potentially the next John Elway. Instead, he’s turned out to be the next Ryan Leaf.

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Is this a sign? Codeine is legal without a prescription in Canada. The only question, is any CFL team desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell?

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Larry Ellison might buy the woeful Golden State Warriors. Which means he finally might have found a bigger waste of money than the America’s Cup.

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The Queen of England was in Canada today and after touring the offices of “Research in Motion,” was given a free Blackberry. Apparently John McCain over the years has been offered some free blackberries, but he turned the offers down because he wasn’t sure they weren’t picked by illegal immigrants.
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Thank you Bud Selig. The All-Star game now determines home field advantage in the World Series, and the fans have selected an NL starting catcher who is hitting .229. (Yadier Molina.) Makes sense to me.
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Now that the U.S. has zero chance of winning the World Cup, American sports fans are using that as an excuse for not being interested in the last stages of the competiton. Big deal, Canadian sports fan respond, we still watch the finals of the Stanley Cup. (Note to non-hockey fans, a Canadian team hasn’t won the NHL championship since 1993)
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Men might want to stop reading now…

On the Bachelorette Monday night, former Bachelor (and Dancing with the Stars contestant) Jake and his ex-fiance Vienna, returned. It was a special interview segment to discuss their break-up after competing tabloid stories.

Personally, the more I watch these two together the more I think they absolutely deserve each other. But at least they didn’t breed.

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And the latest vampire movie, Eclipse, will apparently gross almost $200 million in its first week. Which could be great for the movie industry, less great for retail. Because it means there were no teenage girls left with free time to shop in the malls.

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Happy Fifth of July

July 4, 2010

The Fourth of July is former President George W. Bush’s favorite holiday because it’s always celebrated on the same day every year. Wait a minute, this year the actual holiday is on the 5th? Darn, this is so confusing…

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Although while it may seem odd for Americans to celebrate the Fourth on the Fifth, it’s certainly been a tradition for Americans to celebrate the Fourth with a Fifth.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman is getting annoyed at being referred to as “Queen Meg,” which she says is insulting and sexist. Besides, she prefers “Czar.”

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What do the Giants’ Aaron Rowand (hitting .240) and Kobe Bryant’s wife’s ring have in common? Both represent mega-million dollar mistakes.

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Well, the U.S. may be out of the World Cup, but at least we have defended our supremacy in our true national sport – competitive eating.

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But hey, not only did Joey Chestnut win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, but a professional rival and former winner, Takeru Koboyashi, got himself arrested, partly due to a contract dispute,. Controversy and arrests, now we’re beginning to look like a major league sport.
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Since Sunday was July 4, it was time for writers to opine again that the Star Spangled Banner shouldn’t be our national anthem since the lyrics, “bombs bursting in air” etc, come from a British poem set to an old drinking song. Actually, aren’t fireworks and drinking two of our favorite national pastimes?

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The Boston Red Sox will be placing starter Clay Buckholz on the disabled list, making him the ninth player on their current major league roster currently on the DL. Yet, surprisingly, the Sox have been gaining ground on the Yankees. Who knows, if Boston ends up with All-Stars Jon Lester or David Ortiz on the DL they could win this thing.
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Just a thought, how come unattended bags can so easily cause bomb scares. Which result in all kinds of airline attention and police action, but it never seems to happen to lost bags that endlessly circle baggage claim, or sit unclaimed, for hours. Especially yours.

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The Cincinnati Reds hit seven home runs against the Chicago Cubs Sunday in one game. To put that in perspective, the SF Giants hit nine home in the last nine days.

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What’s wrong with the All Star Game, especially now that the winner determines home field advantage in the World Series? Well, here’s just one of a thousand answers.

Yadier Molina of the St. Louis Cardinals was voted by the fans to be the NL starting catcher, despite hitting .229. To put that in perspective, the offensively challenged San Francisco Giants dumped his brother in a trade to the Rangers, and he was hitting about 20 points higher.

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Heading towards the July 5th weekend…

July 2, 2010

President Obama ordered flags at federal offices to be flown at half staff for Robert Byrd. And to make the honor more fitting for the longest-serving U.S. Senator, Obama has also asked that the ones be used with 13 stars on them.

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Senator Byrd’s body is lying in repose in the Capitol Rotunda, after a public procession through the streets of Washington, D.C. The elegant horse-drawn carriage did of course travel the entire way with its left blinker on.
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There’s about as much chance of hearing anything new and interesting at the Elena Kagan hearings as there is of watching a high scoring World Cup match this weekend.

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When former President George W. Bush was asked if he thought Elena Kagan was qualified to sit on the Supreme Court, he allegedly responded. “Well, I’m not sure about the Court, but I’m impressed that as a lady she built such a successful chain of auto parts stores.”

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Is it just me, or is it somehow easier to imagine Sarah Palin as President than to imagine Al Gore as a “crazed sex poodle?”

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And somewhere Bill Clinton is thinking “Crazed sex poodle, Hey, that’s MY job.”

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And why airlines get a bad reputation. American Airlines is touting the fact that they are upgrading their 737s, with a spokesman saying they are “reinvesting in their product and services to enhance the travel experience for our loyal customers.”

It’s true, they are putting in new seats, data ports, larger overhead bins, and new entertainment systems. And oh yeah, 12 more seats in every plane, an average of an inch of legroom less per passenger.

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The Red Sox just placed Jason Varitek on the disabled list, joining Victor Martinez, Dustin Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Lowell, Jeremy Hermida and Jed Lowrie. New Boston motto? “Survivor – Fenway.”

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According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, Mike Garrett, USC athletic director, made more than $1-million in 2008-9 while his Trojans were under investigation by the NCAA. But give the guy a break, the school probably has players who made more than that.

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For Canadian readers, Happy Belated Canada Day. Why Canadian men like Canada Day better than U.S. men like the 4th of July? It’s not all about the family picnics and BBQs – in Canada today is the opening of Football season.

From reader Gary Morton regarding that $750 million Tiger is reputedly paying Elin. “$750-million? Tiger just became Sweden’s top gross national product.”
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And from Bill Littlejohn, especially maybe for San Francisco Giants fans who remember days when their team had an offense – “Luke Scott of the Orioles is on the DH after he pulled a hamstring during a home run trot.They’re referring to his trot as ‘Dumb Flap Down'”

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What a wildlife fund….

July 1, 2010

According to a London tabloid, Tiger Woods has reportedly agreed to pay at least $750 million to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, as a divorce settlement. “Dude, that’s a LOT of diamond rings,” responded Kobe Bryant.

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$750 million? Is that a world record sum for tiger protection?

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No World Cup games Wednesday or Thursday. Which means since the U.S. was eliminated, ESPN soccer viewership is about the same as it’s been all week.
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From a television viewpoint, semi-seriously, here’s the problem with upsets at Wimbledon and the World Cup. If it’s March Madness, an upset either makes someone’s brack look good, or salvages at least at tenative tie for those whose favorites are out. In tennis or soccer its simply “Okay, that means one more future match between someone or some team I have never heard of.”

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In the San Francisco area, a new policy on the Bay Bridge means that tolls will now be $5 on the weekends, $6 during rush-hour, and $4 during off-peak weekday hours. And this in theory means more revenue without any appreciable extra time.

First there is the whole potential change issue. Which anyone who has ever put in a penny for a bill ending in 26 cents, or given a clerk $11 for a $6 charge to get a $5 bill back, will understand. And then there is the potential last minute scramble for an extra dollar, and of course the potential arguments from idiots who think their watch is more accurate than the Bridge’s clock. Sure, nothing can go wrong, wrong, wrong….

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The Giants traded slumping catcher Bengie Molina to the Texas Rangers Wednesday night. Which means that in July there should be no discernable difference in the RBI total Molina had for San Francisco in May and June.

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After their quick exit at the World Cup, the Nigerian president has suspended the national soccer team from international competition for two years. Now that he’s dealt with the country’s serious problems, you think maybe the president could do something about those poor princes?

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The Nigerian president suspended their national soccer team for two years for their dismal performance. Meanwhile, at the University of Michigan, football coach Rich Rodriguez is hoping the university president doesn’t hear about this.

(for any readers, please feel free to substitute USC and Lane Kiffin, or the NFL and the Detroit Lions, etc.)

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Ohio Representative John Boehner compared the banking reform bill to “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.” Clearly the man has not been at a ruined holiday picnic, where many people would nuke ants in a minute given the opportunity.

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Actually, Boehner’s comment that Congress’s financial reform package was like “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon,” was not his first choice. He thought of saying “like killing an ant with an AK-47.” But then realized that his supporters in the NRA have no problem with that.
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George Lucas’ company “Lucasfilm” lost a wrongful termination suit Wednesday for withdrawing a job offer from a San Francisco woman after she disclosed that she was expecting a baby. To be fair, the geek-driven company with a history of producing high-tech, science-fiction blockbusters, may have had a little bit of a problem with the concept of how anyone gets pregnant.

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Stiff upper lip?

June 30, 2010

A new study indicates that Botox may not only paralyze facial muscles, it may actually hinder “emotional processing,” because those muscles help the brain process information. Which could explain why Nancy Pelosi never seems stressed.

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Who’d a thunk it? Larry King is going to retire before Brett Favre.
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Yeah, penalty kicks after a 0-0 tie are exciting. But for a casual soccer fan in terms of payoff to total time expended watching the match, it’s kind of like being being an action movie fan who hates romantic dramas, waiting through 2 1/2 hours of Titanic to watch the boat sink.

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Silver lining to the U.S. meltdown at Wimbledon….doesn’t look like Americans will have to work on their bows and curtsies if the Queen returns for the trophy presentations.

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And let’s see, the U.S. is out of the World Cup, mostly out of Wimbledon, Tiger Woods isn’t in a major this weekend and it’s too early to think about baseball pennant races. So this Fourth of July weekend a common refrain could be “Hey, honey, you always are so accommodating about what I want to do, let’s say we go shopping.”

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Two major baserunning errors by Pablo Sandoval in two days, each costing the San Francisco Giants at least a run. This is not exactly what the Giants were hoping for in terms of Pandamonium.
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Congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks, for winning the College World Series. Everyone at the University is thrilled, except for football coach Steve Spurrier, who is trying to figure out a way to claim part of the credit.

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Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson was arrested Tuesday and charged with misdemeanor assault after a bar altercation last month. Well, the preseason hasn’t even started yet and already the Bengals look to be in midseason form.

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Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist after the Lakers won the championship. If the Bengals ever get it together to win a Super Bowl, wonder how many of them will thank their parole officers?

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Yet another example of why translation software is not perfect. This is an actual quote from the website of the deluxe Royal Plaza hotel in Singapore, about their award-winning dinner buffet restaurant –

“Be mesmerized by the enormous spread of seafood and expect succulent and tender flesh. ”

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A lot of the GOP’s questioning of Elena Kagan seems to revolve around whether or she can be “impartial.” Somehow I missed the part when they used this line of questioning on Justices Roberts and Alito.

(Whatever happened to “elections have consequences?”)

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New oxymoron : SF Giants situational hitting

June 29, 2010

The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.”

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Seriously, that moment in a game when you either get up and go to the concession stand, or if at home to the kitchen, because you just KNOW you’re not going to miss anything… Now, as a SF Giants fan I don’t want to be too greedy. On the other hand those moments should not be when “your” team puts runners on first and third with nobody out…

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Some San Francisco 49ers fans are worried because their former top personnel executive, Scot McCloughan, is now working for the Seattle Seahawks for seven whole days, and they are worried about him giving away valuable secrets.

Note to fans, have you seen the 49ers’ record the past few years? There are no valuable secrets.

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Now that the USA is out, heard at office water coolers across America. “Anyone hear who won this morning’s World Cup match? Yeah, me neither.”

Now FIFA is finding out what the PGA world is like without Tiger Woods.

(actually, as a reader pointed out, FIFA is fine. The way I should have written this, now in the US, ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods.)
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R.I.P. Senator Robert Byrd, who died today at the age of 92. Although a Democrat, he was popular with members of both parties. John McCain especially liked that Byrd referred to him as “that nice young man.”

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The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the “Christian Legal Society,” which bars gays from joining, but had sued Hastings law school to get funding and recognition. Justice Alito, dissenting, said it was a “serious setback for freedom of expression.” Wonder if he would have said the same thing had it been, say, a “Witches Legal Society.”

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Joe Biden is being criticized for calling the manager of a Wisconsin frozen custard shop a smarta**. So would it have been better if he used the same language as our former V.P. and told the guy to f*** himself?

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And while we are using asterisks. Does FIFA really stand for “Feigning Indignation, F**ked Again?”

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Regarding all those World Cup flops. Not like U.S. sports fans aren’t used to flopping in the NBA, and players trying to draw penalties in the NFL. Not to mention all the games baseball players play. But this is enough to make fans long for the purity and honesty of professional wrestling.

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So that World Cup loss was heartbreaking. When does NFL preseason start?

June 28, 2010

Actually, for U.S. sports fans in limbo, the Canadian Football League starts July 1.

And for those unfamilar with the CFL, they play a high-scoring, three-down, entertaining form of the game. Without vuvuzelas. And the talent level isn’t bad. So far no team has stooped low enough to try to sign JaMarcus Russell.

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So give FIFA and its World Cup some credit. Here’s a sport no one paid attention to in the U.S. a few weeks ago, and now their officiating mistakes are making American sports fans forget about Jim Joyce.

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What’s the difference between the U.S. and England soccer teams? In the end, about 24 hours.

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Now that the ageless Jamie Moyer has broken MLB’s all time record for home runs allowed, he is dealing with a number of jokes about him having given up one of those home runs to Babe Ruth. “Not true,” said Moyer, “The Babe couldn’t hit me.”

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Three UCLA football players were arrested this week for allegedly stealing a fellow student’s purse. Stealing a purse? Come on. Guess they should have gone to USC where they would have been paid better.

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In the Giants-Red Sox series this weekend in San Francisco, Boston lost Dustin Pedroia to a broken toe, and Victor Martinez to a fractured thumb. Plus Saturday starter Clay Buckholz hyper-extended his knee. So the real winner of the series? The New York Yankees.

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According to his daughter, former Vice President Dick Cheney is feeling much better after being treated for pain and a fluid build-up related to his heart condition. But ever vigilant against waste, Cheney wants to have the hospital save the fluid for possible future water-boarding.

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There’s no word on what precipitated the medical issue that sent Cheney back to the hospital, though doctors think it could have been a traumatic event. Like a drop in oil prices.

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From my extremely funny friend Jerry Perisho

“LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was spotted in South Africa taking in some of the World Cup games. Either that or his wife insisted he buy her a diamond mine.”

Jerry also said that at the global economic summit was in Toronto, in honor of former Pres. George W. Bush, when the moderator opened with “Welcome to the G-20”, President Obama shouted, “Bingo!”

But George W. says that just proves Obama isn’t that smart. He should have reminded the moderate that it’s I-20. G is between 46 and 60.

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World Cup hopes and other dashed dreams

June 27, 2010

For the U.S. anyway in 2010, their World Cup hopes are “Ghana with the wind.”

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Americans, who had really begun to embrace the USA team, were devastated by the loss. It was almost as heartbreaking as the Olympic gold medal hockey game….say, who won that anyway?

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Landon Donovan may be done with the World Cup, but the U.S. star has been rumored to be looking at a contract with Chelsea (one of England’s top soccer teams) after a 10 week stint he had playing this year for Everton in England’s Premier League.

And according to a U.K. tabloid, Donovan will also become a father, at least according to a pregnant British woman. So I guess Landon had no problem scoring in England.

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And if you thought “Ghana with the wind” was bad…..

A day after his epic 11 hour win at Wimbledon, a tired, badly blistered John Isner lost his next match in 75 minutes. Talk about de thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

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The 49ers filed a claim with the city of San Francisco, asking for a rent decrease because Candlestick Park is in such bad disrepair. On behalf of Candlestick Park, the city filed a counter claim, saying the same thing could be said about the 49ers..

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Police in Southern California seized $45 million in drugs they found in the back of a tractor-trailer Friday, including 38,000 pounds of marijuana. 7 11 stores in the area immediately applied for federal bailout money.
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Despite Major League Baseball’s drug rules, over 100 players have received medical clearance to take banned substances for Attention Deficit Disorder. So almost eight percent of ballplayers have the problem? Right.

Wonder if there’s a script floating around for players trying to get clearance to take Ritalin “So what makes you think you have ADD?” “Well, doctor, you see it’s like this, Oh look, a puppy.”

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Three incoming UCLA freshman football players have been arrested for alleged felony theft. Oregon’s Heisman-caliber quarterback has been dismissed from the team. And USC is on probation. Stanford is just a scandal or two from being Rose Bowl favorites.

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For Canadian readers, a thought watching all these G20 protests actually turn a little violent in Toronto.

Good thing one thing Torontonians don’t have to worry about. What would happen if the Leafs actually won the Stanley Cup.

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How the mighty have fallen…

June 25, 2010

The defending World Cup champions didn’t even make it out of the first round. This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to Italy, well, without Catholic priests involved.

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The Netherlands will take a perfect 3-0 record into the round of 16 at the World Cup. Which means group E will go down in history as the “Dutch Crunch.”
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Americans are apparently now actually starting to tune into the World Cup. So the real winner when Donovan scored that late goal against Algeria? ESPN.

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Apparently the U.S.-Algeria match broke records for Americans watching on Espn.com. Which considering that the match was during the work day, could have gotten a lot of people fired. Assuming they had jobs to be fired from.

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The Isner-Mahut match lasted three days. That’s longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

(although for any British readers, shorter than a cricket test match.)

John Isner 70 – Nicholas Mahut 68. Give the Frenchman credit. He lasted longer than his country did in World War II.

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A California couple was arrested for allegedly trying to sell their 6-month-old baby for $25 outside a Walmart store. They were charged both with child endangerment and illegally undercutting Walmart prices.

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The former Bachelor and his former fiancee, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, deny that they basically are nothing but shallow publicity hounds. And they further announced they will sit down for joint interviews to explain their breakup on the Bachelorette, and of course other interested shows.

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Toy Story 3 has grossed over $100 million already. This gives the movie the record for the most profit ever made from artificially-created figures since the last Los Angeles plastic surgeons’ convention.

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Let’s hope the iPhone 4 craze slows down before next Friday’s opening of “Eclipse,” the latest Twilight movie. Otherwise it could be really scary with those potentially intersecting long lines. Some of these people could actually meet and mate.

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Inspired by Jerry Perisho, who suggested that since Carly Simon is turning 65 this weekend, that the song “Nobody does it better” is now the theme song for Metamucil.

Now the reason Carly has “No Secrets,” is she can’t remember them anymore.

And Simon is working on a remake of a hit – now dedicated to her women friends – “You’re so Varicose Veined.”

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Northern California has started toll carpool lanes, so drivers will be able to buy their way into the fast lanes. They got the idea from Meg Whitman, who hopes to buy her way into the fast lane all the way to Sacramento.

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Fit to be tied.

June 19, 2010

Americans are furious over perceived blown calls in the US match against Slovenia today by a referee from Mali. Which is kind of interesting when you think about it. It’s a sport we largely don’t care about, with rules most of us don’t understand, and most Americans probably couldn’t find either Slovenia OR Mali on a map.

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At least Mali has been independent from France for 50 years. The world sporting community doesn’t need another incident regarding a French judge.

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Actually, it does appear from replays that the US has valid complaints in the second half. On the other hand, what about that first half? The blown call(s) wouldn’t have mattered if the team wasn’t down 2-0 to a country with approximately the population of West Virginia.

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If the US does get bounced out of the World Cup in the first round, Americans will be upset about it for a long time. Just like we were after the Olympic gold medal hockey game….say, who won that anyhow?

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More disturbing World Cup news from Marc Ragovin, “Paris Hilton was arrested last night for flashing her vuvuzela in public.”

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Stephen Strasburg set a major league record with 32 strikeouts in his first three major league starts. And amazingly he did it without facing the Giants and Mariners.

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Manny Ramirez was distinctly underwhelming in his first return to Fenway Park as a Dodger. But to be fair, he may not have been at his best mid-second trimester.

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In a FOX News interview, Sarah Palin indicated she felt that police should just leave marijuana users alone if they are not out in public – – “If somebody’s gonna smoke a joint in their house and not do anybody else any harm.” Hmm, wonder who’s inhaling in Wasilla?

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Suddenly that new fence Palin built around her home makes a lot more sense.

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Campbell’s is recalling their SpaghettiOs with Meatballs products because of concerns about undercooked beef. Those of us who grew up on SpaghettiOs are shocked – the meatballs actually contain beef?

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Female employees at Walt Disney World no longer have to wear panty hose to work. This change was prompted by a simple question from most new hires – “What are panty hose?”

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Meg Whitman says in new Spanish ads targeting Latino voters that she is a “Una Candidata diferente.” Yeah, for starters “diferente” than she was in the Primary.

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BP’s CEO Tony Hayward not only said he was “out of the loop” and unaware of anything wrong at his company, he has now been removed from his position overseeing the oil spill situation. So since he’s sort of out of a job what will Hayward do now? It’s too late to declare for the Senate race in California.

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Truth and rumors?

June 16, 2010

The “Star” magazine claims that Al Gore has been having an affair with comedian Larry David’s ex-wife Laurie. If true, I guess Al just couldn’t curb his enthusiasm.

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Pete Carroll is complaining about the sanctions imposed upon USC and denied he left the university to escape imminent penalties, saying, since it’s been a five-year investigation – “Why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Uh, Pete, because maybe anyone following it knew that investigation was about to be concluded this year?

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Or the other answer to “why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Presumably that would be, like apparently some of his recruits, Carroll was holding out for the highest bidder.

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Oil executives testifying in Washington Tuesday labeled the BP oil spill a “rare event that has little chance of reoccurring.” Yeah, well the same thing applies to a potential missed call at the end of a perfect game. But that kind of mistake only damages the record books, not the economies of several states and an ecosystem.

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Near Cincinnati, Ohio, “Touchdown Jesus”, a six-story-tall status of Jesus with his arms raised, burned to the ground during a recent thunderstorm. Could it be a sign that BYU and Utah deserve more BCS consideration?-

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The government is considering banning peanuts on planes. Great, one more thing to put in a TSA plastic bag. M and Ms, so security can make sure they are the “Plain” kind

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Apparently the New Zealand – Slovakia match was so uninspiring to fans in the stadium that they put down their vuvuzelas at times in favor of just doing the wave. Which means that both teams just picked up a whole lot of international supporters.
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Looks like the Celtics really mailed it in tonight. Fans who tuned in thought they were watching a repeat of the regular season.

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Boston’s 67 points were the lowest scoring total in their long NBA finals history. What championship do they think they are playing for, the World Cup?

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For any Canadian readers, The University of Waterloo (Ontario) suspended its football team for an entire year. Apparently so many players tested positive for steroids that they called it that they called it the “most significant doping issue” in the history of Canadian university sports.

I can see the Toronto Argonauts marketing campaign now – “Come watch the only guaranteed steroid free team in Canada.”

(note to non-Canadian readers, for Argonauts substitute Detroit Lions or some equally lousy NFL team.)

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From Wendell Potter about the demise of “Touchdown Jesus” in Ohio – “Doesn’t it tell you something when a statue of Jesus is hit by lightning but the Gay Pride parades all went off without a hitch?”

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It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-

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It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad World Cup.

June 15, 2010

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How we know for sure the major U.S. networks don’t consider the World Cup a major draw for American viewers? The games aren’t being shown tape-delayed, especially on the West Coast.

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Actually apropos of nothing, wonder how many more Americans would watch the World Cup if it coincided with “Happy Hour?”

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Japan won their opening match against Cameroon 1 to 0. This elicted two responses from most Japanese sports fans. 1. “This is great news.” 2. “What’s the World Cup?”

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It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.

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When political prisoners were allowed to watch the World Cup matches with the sound on high, rumor has it many said “I’d rather be waterboarded.”

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A British tabloid reports that a TV documentary later this week will allege Tiger Woods had a “secret love child” and that DNA evidence supports their claim.

If true this could be be the most expensive Tiger cub in history.

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The Saints are hoping that the USC investigation and probation doesn’t become a distraction for Reggie Bush. But Bush says, not to worry, he is good at keeping off-field issues separate from his role on the team. For example, after he was drafted, he didn’t sulk at all when he took a pay cut by signing that first New Orleans contract.

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The University of Texas on Monday has announced they are staying in the Big 12, with a press conference called for tomorrow. Translation, they are working out how to put the most admirable spin on the fact “the other conferences didn’t offer us enough money.

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Kobe Bryant apparently called out his Lakers teammates after their game 5 loss to the Celtics. This was a change… Kobe realizes he HAS teammates?

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from Marc Ragovin, might be more true than funny: “The British media is killing goalie Robert Green for the soft goal he let in during the US/England World Cup game. Which might be a bit harsh. Its not like he’s responsible for destroying another country’s entire ecosystem or anything.”

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on a lighter World Cup note, from Alex Kaseberg: “A doctor told the Argentina men’s soccer team it’s OK to have sex during the World Cup. This isn’t going to endear soccer to homophobic American sports fans. Oh, they can have sex with their wives or girlfriends? Oh, sorry.”

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President Obama said today that “Gulf seafood was safe to eat.” Suppose this could make sense. If oil was always a poison, KFC wouldn’t have any customers left alive.

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There’s a report out that California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman shoved an employee during a dispute while she was CEO of Ebay, and the incident was resolved with an undisclosed settlement. In related news, Jerry Brown is no longer going to use the term “take the gloves off” regarding any future debates.

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Sarah Palin has announced that she plans to go to England and hopes to meet with Maggie Thatcher. Palin says she really wants to talk to Thatcher about what she did for the country, and how she liked living in Buckingham Palace.

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is standing by her statement that people on the government “no-fly” list should be able to purchase guns. She says she doesn’t want to take rights away from people who might be on that list mistakenly.. Brave words from a woman who travels by corporate jet.

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