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Blackhawks not down

June 10, 2010

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

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Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.

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The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

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Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.

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Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

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Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”

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The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.

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And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

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So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)

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Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)

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Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

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Swooning for sports in June

June 8, 2010

The World Cup starts later this week. Here’s a suggestion to stimulate U.S. interest in the event: Publish a 32 team bracket online and in major newspapers. Along with a statement saying any potential office betting pools would be strictly illegal.

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In the meantime, the end of the NBA playoffs is in sight. You know what that means. Pre-season basketball is just around the corner.

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Carlos Silva is off to the best start by a Cubs pitcher in 43 years – 8 and 0. Overall Chicago is 26-31. What would this year be like for Cubs fans without him? Ask fans of the Baltimore Orioles.

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Not to say the Nats’ latest top prospect, Bryce Harper, is young. But Jamie Moyer could be his grandfather. (Biologically just about true actually,, Moyer is 48, Harper is 17.)

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The Nationals say they won’t rush the young Harper to the big leagues. Just as well, they’ll have to prep all the umpires first, so they don’t yell at him “punk, get off my grass.”

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Bud Selig says he is “extremely comfortable” about his decision not to reverse Jim Joyce’s blown call in Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. Of course, this is the man who said last year, “The so-called “steroid era is clearly a thing of the past”.

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And Selig also indicates that he doesn’t want to expand instant replay because he’s a “traditionalist.” Bud thinks rule changes should be reserved for important things.

Important things like allowing, for example, a hanging curve ball from a relief pitcher on a cellar-dwelling team in a meaningless game, to determine home field advantage for the World Series.

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Selig has said he’s spoken to “several” baseball people who are against expanding instant replay. Translation, the Yankees don’t like the idea.
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After over a $100 million primary, on Tuesday California Republican voters will decide which gubernatorial candidate has done the best job of positioning themselves on the far right. And then the winner will spend another $100 million trying to convince voters in the general election that they didn’t mean it.
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What’s more bizarre? That Rush Limbaugh, who openly opposes gay marriage, asked Elton John to perform at his fourth wedding? Or that Sir Elton accepted?

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A bit of gallows humor – this BP oil spill looks like it may last longer than any of Limbaugh’s marriages.

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Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

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John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

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The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

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But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

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The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

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But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

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This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

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Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

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And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

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So, no more “winning one for the Tipper.”

June 2, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. Okay, who’d a thunk this? The longest married American political couple, without any divorce history, might end up being Bill and Hillary Clinton.

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Al and Tipper Gore say their separation is amicable and there is no affair involved. Makes sense, the cheating Al has likely been doing is on his diet.

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For the Gores’ sakes let’s hope it’s just that the couple has grown apart, and that the tabloids won’t soon be full of “Inconvenient Truths.”

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And if the separation comes to divorce, Al in particular will want to settle this by mediation. He doesn’t have a good history with the courts.

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Ah for the good old days, when the biggest post-Katrina disaster story out of Louisiana was JaMarcus Russell.

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The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup?

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The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks.

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The World Cup will actually be starting late next week. Although most Americans are likely to ignore it. Sort of like any golf tournament without Tiger.

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Latest give-away promotion idea at A T and T Park – Orange and black paper bag night. And during the game fans can watch to see if the Giants can hit their way out of one.

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Dontrelle Willis was traded with cash by the Detroit Tigers to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Willis had been a huge disappointment for the Tigers, who had given him a 3 year $29 million contract extension, for a 2-8 overall mark and an ERA near 7.

One question, how did Dontrelle ever sign such a deal with Detroit and not Brian Sabean?

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Star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom decided not to retire at the age of 40, and signed a one year contract with the Detroit Red Wings at a “slight” paycut from $7.5 to $6.2 million.

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Guess it seemed only appropriate for him to give the team a senior discount.
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Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, now up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals, have not seen their team win the NHL championship since 1961. 49 years!

“Wimps” – responded Cubs fans.

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

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The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

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Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

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Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

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Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

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Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

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But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

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Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

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Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

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Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

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The Giants offense and other jokes.

May 25, 2010

Anyone else think that just MAYBE the Giants are carrying this effort to prove their team doesn’t take PED’s in the post-Bonds era just a little too far?

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Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat.

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New York is currently the favorite for hosting the 2014 Super Bowl. City residents are thrilled -tickets are likely to cost less than a Yankees home game.

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Orlando pulled out an overtime win against Boston to avoid being swept in the NBA Eastern Conference finals. So at least the team avoided a Magic performance that was almost as dismal as the last show of Siegfried and Roy.

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Just how painful has watching the Celtics-Magic matchup been for Orlando fans? Most of them said, given a choice, they might actually wish instead to be stuck on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

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Jennifer Hudson is featured on the cover of the latest issue of People Magazine showing off her new shape. The singer-actress has dropped from a size 16 to a 6. Some say it’s the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut Jamarcus Russell.

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U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin said that Tiger Woods would not be an “automatic” pick for the team. That’s odd, I thought what Tiger proved he did best this past year was “Ryder.”

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The Phoenix Suns’ Steve Nash, 36, who’s already played one game with an eye swollen shut, will now have surgery to repair a broken nose he suffered in game three against the Los AngelesLakers.

Two questions: Who’d a thunk the toughest player on the court would be an old white guy? And with that attitude, how did the Canadian Nash not end up playing hockey?

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My friend Neil Berliner wrote this one: “Lance Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Ridiculous; in the past 15 years, the guy hasn’t had a single home run.”

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When asked about religion this conservative politician responded “I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line.” And he added “my politics is not faith-driven.” In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U.S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary.
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$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

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Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

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Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

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Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

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Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

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The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

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New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

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A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

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USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

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A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

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commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

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In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

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Tubing the Gulf…

May 17, 2010

BP has hooked up a mile-long tube that so far is successfully sucking up some of the oil spill in the gulf. They refer to the tube as the “Monica Lewinsky” pipeline.

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Here’s a scary question? What’s going on with BP’s OTHER wells? The ones we haven’t heard about. Of course, I’m sure the company would tell you this was an isolated incident and there’s no chance of anything at their other drilling sites going wrong, wrong, wrong…..

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Well, the Preakness stakes is over, and Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver finished a disappointing eighth. But in an example of why horse racing is an under-rated sport, Super Saver was quiet in defeat, not blaming the track, his stable-mates, the officials, etc…

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Reader Gary Morton pointed out that no joke series about humans and Neanderthals mating would be complete without Ben Roethlisberger somewhere in the punchline. Well, actually, isn’t he an example of a Neatherthal perhaps trying unsuccessfully to mate with humans?

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With all these athletes testing positive for female fertility drugs, isn’t it about time for one of them to endorse a home pregnancy test?

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Many fans in the Philadelphia area have jumped on the Flyers bandwagon. Some of them are so excited they may actually watch a game.

And note to new fans who want to talk about the Flyers’ incredibly impressive 6-0 thrashing of the Montreal Canadiens. Yes, it was a great performance, but no missed extra points were involved.

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Cubs manager Lou Piniella says he is frustrated with his teams’s record, and expects his Chicago Cubs to live up to their reputations and salaries. I don’t know about salaries, but Lou, have you realized, the Cubs ARE living up to their reputation?.

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From Bill Littlejohn: On a visit to Buffalo, President Obama was greeted with a billboard reading “I need a freakin’ job. Yes, times are getting desperate for Terrell Owens.

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commie pinko time:

Sarah Palin’s latest is to tell President Obama to “secure our borders.” While we’re at it, maybe Canada could create a “no-fly” zone for crazy people attempting to fly over their country from anywhere up north…like say, Alaska?

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Sarah Palin also appeared with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and said “We are all Arizonans.”

Well those of us who with are light-skinned with Causcasian features, and no discernable accent anyway.

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To sleep, perchance to miss an at-bat?

May 12, 2010

A story, made the national media that Ken Griffey, Jr, had fallen asleep in the Seattle clubhouse in the late afternoon Saturday, and missed a pinch-hit opportunity, Today, Griffey, 40, claims the story is untrue, and that he was awake, available, etc, etc. In short, sounds like the “Whine of the Ancient Mariner.”

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Griffey claims he never naps in the clubhouse, at least since somebody stole his “blankee.”
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or

Ken Griffey, Jr., 40, is fending off reports that he took a nap in the late innings of a Saturday afternoon game last weekend and thus missed a pinch hit opportunity. Griffey says he NEVER naps in the late afternoon, otherwise he’d miss the Early Bird Special.

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Some players doubt Griffey’s story, others believe him. And no one would question Jr. in the S.F. Giants clubhouse; most of their offense has been asleep all year.
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So the AP is going to re-vote the NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award after Brian Cushing tested positive for PEDs. Let’s hope this doesn’t start a trend, or if it does, that the Major League Baseball MVP list at Cooperstown is written in erasable ink.

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The Cavaliers lost to Boston 102-88, in Cleveland. It was the most embarrassing beating at home since Elin took after Tiger with that nine-iron.

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History majors version of the above joke: Boston 102, Cleveland 88? Last time any Cavaliers looked this bad, King Charles I ended up getting beheaded.

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While the Big Ten has been talking about expansion, commissioner Jim Delany denied a rumor saying that conference officials Tuesday have already made offers to four schools. Possible translation – we’re still negotiating or they’ve turned us down.

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NASCAR opened their Hall of Fame Tuesday in Charlotte, N.C. Presumably the directions to get there involve nothing but left turns.

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David Cameron, 43, took over today as Prime Minister of Great Britain. Although Cameron is a conservative, President Obama congratulated him on the win. Actually, Barack, 49, is thrilled that some leader will actually consider him a “Senior Statesman.”

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Executives from three different oil companies spent the day at a Senate Hearing pointing fingers at each other for the BP oil rig spill. It was the biggest blame-game in Washington since the Capitals got bounced out of the NHL playoffs in the first round.

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from Bill Littlejohn: Mike Tyson says he is now a vegan. Which means he only nibbles on ears of corn.

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A Republican congressional candidate in Northern California, Brad Goehring, has run into controversy after posting this on his Facebook page: “I could issue hunting permits, I would officially declare today opening day for liberals. The season would extend to November 2 and have no limits on how many taken as we desperately need to ‘thin’ the herd.”

Of course, some of the complaints are from constituents who think what he wrote was awful and disgusting, and the others are upset because they don’t see why it shouldn’t be open season on liberals all year.

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Elena and the Supremes.

May 11, 2010

Commie pinko stuff first. But you have to love U.S. politics, where within a 24 hour news cycle a President’s Supreme Court pick can be attacked for being both too liberal AND too conservative.

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Regarding conservatives trying to “out” Elena Kagan as a lesbian in order to keep her off the Supreme Court – what evidence do they have? Did someone see her at a Republican fundraiser?

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Soome conservative groups are already mobilizing to fight Elena Kagan’s nomination because they think she is gay. These groups believe there is no place for gays on the Supreme Court; they should stay closeted in the Republican party where they belong.

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Carly Fiorina, one of the Republican Senate candidate in California, has indicated concern about “Ms. Kagan’s brief litigation experience, and lack of any judicial experience.”

So apparently in Fiorina’s world you need specific legal experience to sit on the Supreme Court, but a couple months advising a failed presidential campaign is sufficient political experience to be a Senator from California.

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The Republican National Committee is already questioning Elena Kagan’s “commitment to the Constitution? One question, if these folks are so committed to the Constitution, where were they when George W. Bush was shredding it?

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Okay, back to sports, etc.

The University of California football team will be playing their 2011 home games at A T and T Park. S.F. Giants management would have actually preferred to have a pro team as a temporary tenant instead of the Cal Bears, but the USC Trojans declined their offer.
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JetBlue was selling seats on some nonstop flights Tuesday and Wednesday for $10 each way. Now, for passengers who wanted those flights to actually take off there was a small additional charge.

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Dallas Braden, the Oakland A’s pitcher who criticized A-Rod for walking across his mound, will be on David Letterman Tuesday night with his “Top 10” list of ways to p*** off the Yankees’ slugger. Number 11? Get between him and any mirror.

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Tiger Woods swing coach, Hank Haney, has resigned. He said that recent events made it clear that Tiger was the last person who needed any help with his swinging.

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The Lakers-Jazz game started at 11pm east coast time. I guess the way Utah played in the first three games of the series, the networks knew game four might be unsuitable for small children.

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Woody Allen once said “Eighty percent of success is just showing up.” Guess someone forgot to tell the Heat, Jazz and Spurs.

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Phoenix, with their bilingual “Los Suns” jerseys, swept the Spurs decisively in four games. Now the Dodgers are considering changing their jerseys to read “The Angeles.”

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So when did the NBA playoffs turn into “Sweeps Week?”

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Saturday Night, Alive.

May 9, 2010

That’s the relieved statement of NBC executives about Betty White after she finished taping tonight’s show.

But you have to love Betty White. 88 years old and hosting SNL. She’s so old she can remember when the show was consistently funny.

(And she’s still funnier than about any host they’ve had this year! Anyone who’s reading this blog probably already saw the show, but if not, find it online. )

They are making a documentary about the Atlanta Hawks in round 2 of the NBA playoffs. The working title “Nights of the Living Dead.”

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from Nick Coombs: Who thought we’d see the day the Sharks lasted longer in may than the NBC primetime lineup?

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Tim Tebow’s jersey is the hottest selling in the NFL right now. Well, maybe this isn’t as unlikely as it sounds. Many people want to get on the “I told you so” bandwagon if Tebow actually surprises the critics and does well.

And if not, they can always use the jersey for target practice.

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Brian Cushing, the Houston Texans linebacker who is the latest NFL player to be suspended for a failed drug test, says what he took was NOT a steroid.

In some ways, aren’t these denials, if true, even worse? If you’re not taking steroids that boost your performance and you’re still stupid enough to take something that is banned? Maybe some of these guys should pay at least enough attention in college to be able to read labels?

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After Faisal Shahzad’s car bomb fizzled out and he was arrested on a plane at JFK airport, the Taliban is rethinking their terrorism efforts in New York. They are now considering renting billboards urging people to ride the Staten Island ferry.

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The AP reported that Hugo Chavez is number one on Twitter in Venezuela. Either that or he is the number one twit in Venezuela. Not sure.
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Eric Brynes was cut by the Arizona Diamondbacks, who are still paying him $11 million for the year. He’s now signed up to play on a softball team sponsored by a Menlo Park bar, the Dutch Goose. Well, it’s not like he lowered himself so far as to play for the Baltimore Orioles

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Good riddance to JaMarcus Russell. The biggest bust in the San Francisco Bay Area since Carol Doda. (Anyone under 30 going “huh?”, try google )

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Ancient history…

May 8, 2010

A recent German study indicated that Neanderthals and humans mated. Heck, this still happens most weekends at frat parties.

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Jamie Moyer, 47, today became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a complete game shutout. If he keeps this up, they may classify Metamucil as a Performance Enhancing Drug.

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The only other worry for Moyer, some have accused him of hoarding and using old baseballs he kept from the dead ball era.
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Besides being a top pitcher, Jamie Moyer is also a class act. He dedicated tonight’s win to the memory of his old Phillies teammate Robin Roberts.

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Meanwhile, in the NBA; Steve Nash, 36 and Grant Hill, 37, are helping lead the Phoenix Suns to a 3-0 lead. Not to say these guys are old, but when they started their careers, the American Indians were complaining about a European immigrant problem.

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Or if that’s too much of an exaggeration. When Nash and Hill started in the NBA, Kobe Bryant was just starting to hog the ball in his nursery school playgroup.

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Lawrence Taylor, 51, accused of raping a 16 year old, says that, first, they didn’t actually have sex, and two, he thought she was 19. Translation – I’m not a rapist, just a dirty old scumbag.

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So with the hung election results in England, the Queen might actually end up having to choose the nation’s next leader. Well, she’ll probably do a better job than our Supreme Court.

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Chaz Bono is now legally a man. So that means when out at a restaurant, he can go to the bathroom by himself. And my friend Rich Lieberman says he will also be taken into a dark room and let in on the secret of why men leave the seat up

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nonpolitical rant:

The media loves to run stories these days about thousands of people showing up every time a company wants to hire 50-100 workers. So how come how many people you deal with in service industries are still rude, incompetent or both.?

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Sexto de Mayo? Really.

May 6, 2010

It’s a good day the Mexican holiday didn’t fall a day later, or it’s title would be “Sexto de Mayo.” And we think Americans make fools of themselves on this holiday now.

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A joint British/Italian study found that those who generally slept for less than six hours a night were 12% more likely to experience a premature death than those who consistently got six to eight hours’ sleep.

Great, one more thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

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The Philadelphia Phillies have had two fans jump onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Park in two days -despite the first fan being tasered. But even worse, fans also jumped onto the field at Camden Yards – and beat the Orioles.

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Phoenix beat the San Antonio Spurs tonight wearing their “Los Suns” jerseys to show their support for immigrants. Apparently the Washington Wizards are considering such a move for next year. But they worry “Los Wizards” jerseys might give DC area fans another reason to support deporting the entire team.

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Okay, all you baseball fans who expected Barry Zito (5 and 0, 1.49 ERA, to have the kind of comeback year he is having so far put your hands up. Now both of you liars put your hands down.

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A New York woman is suing Starbucks allegedly that they served her tea too hot. What’s next, a lawsuit allegedly that their Venti Chocolate Chip Frappuccinos are too fattening?

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Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Republicans are trying to “continue to make love to Wall Street.” GOP senators angrily denied the accusation and said that all they and Wall Street do is cuddle once in a while.
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Phoenix wore “Los Suns” jerseys tonight to show support for their Latino fans. Suppose it makes sense, how anti-immigrant can you be when your team is led by a South-African born Canadian citizen?

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Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo, former U.S. President George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He thinks it’s a particularly happy coincidence that it is always celebrated on May 5.

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The perennially powerful Red Wings have apparently hit a wall in the Stanley Cup Playoffs and are now down 3-0. Who do they think they are? The Sharks?

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Headline on AP story: NY bomb suspect seen as good recruit for militants. Let’s see, among other things, the guy built a bomb that didn’t work, didn’t get the VIN number removed correctly from the car, and used his own name in emails inquiring about buying the SUV in the first place. If he’s a “good” recruit, then Americans may be safer than we have thought.

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Tim Tebow, who has yet play a down in the pros, had the NFL’s top selling jersey in April. Which means he’s now in line to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize”

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Better late than never?

April 29, 2010

On Wednesday, the U.S. picked up a belated bronze medal at the 2000 Olympic games, when the IOC stripped China of a bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastic event. Apparently after an investigation they found one of the Chinese girls was underage. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

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A Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta was diverted to Bangor when a passenger claimed he had a bomb on board. Turns out it was all a misunderstanding, he was just talking about his new DVD copy of “All About Steve.”
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With the new Dallas Football Classic and the Pinstripe Bowl, 70 of 120 D1 NCAA football teams will be able to play in bowl games. What a relief for all those 5-7 teams who just missed postseason competition.

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Shocking evening in the NHL tonight. A top-seeded team went home after the first round. And it wasn’t the San Jose Sharks.

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The Braves have lost eight in a row, the Hawks are on the brink of elimination. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, General Sherman was involved.

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Another wrinkle in the immigration debate. Many people in Washington D.C. are now wondering if Canadiens can be added to the deportation list. Retroactively.

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So Charlie Crist, who has been a pretty decent and popular Republican governor of Florida, has now announced he will run for the U.S. Senate as an independent because he is trailing so badly in the Republican primary. Crist’s “crime” – he hasn’t been anti-Obama enough

Just think, these days Will Rogers could have been a Republican.

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An anonymous line passed on by Ray Di Fazio. Earl Woods’ last words to his son Tiger “Focus on golf. F**k everything else.”

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The NFL Players Association has stated that interviews with potential players need to be professional and not “cross a line.” What’s the line? Not sure, but I’m pretty sure that asking “Was your mother a prostitute” is beyond it.

(tacky time)

Actually, the nonprofessional but completely apropos response that Dez Bryant could have made was “Why, do you think your father might have been her client?” (Or since we are going that low – Why, does your mother think she recognizes her as an ex-coworker?”)

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And baseball rant.

Three things that San Francisco Giants fans want: 1. Buster Posey. 2. A real leftfielder. 3. Bruce Bochy to keep his &#*$!@%# hands OFF starting pitchers in the 9th inning.

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New Arizona slogans?

April 27, 2010

As law enforcement officers and residents alike adjust to the new Arizona immigration law, it might be time to think of some new subtitles for the state slogans:

As in

“Arizona – you’ll never get a decent taco in this state again.”

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Arizona -a state since 1912, a state of confusion since 2010.

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Arizona -we don’t need no stinking badges, but we do need your stinking papers.

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Here’s an interesting question. Which is a smaller number – the number of NBA fans outside Los Angeles who will be rooting for the Lakers tomorrow against the Oklahoma City Thunder? Or the number of Latino fans who will now be rooting for the Phoenix Suns against the Portland Trail Blazers?

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The NBA’s Western Conference’s number two seed, the Dallas Mavericks, are one game away from being eliminated by the San Antonio Spurs. And the worst thing for Dallas fans -there’s no way to blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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Roy Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, having allowed 3 earned runs in 4 starts. The San Francisco Giants are one of the worst hitting teams in baseball. So what happens tonight when Halladay starts? The Giants score 3 runs in the first 2 innings, and 5 runs off him in six innings. Is baseball a great game or what?

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“The decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family.”

The above was the statement from Ben Roethlisberger today about his suspension. Do we think he wrote the words or lifted them from “Hamlet” or “Tale of Two Cities”?

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The British Government is falling all over themselves to apologize for to Pope Benedict XVI for what was obviously a tongue-in-cheek leaked Foreign Office memo suggesting that he could launch Benedict-brand condoms or bless a gay marriage when he visits the United Kingdom later this year.

In a statement, the Foreign Office said that “the individual responsible” was told “this was a serious error of judgement and has accepted this view.”

No word on the papal response. Although his Excellency does seem to have a strong track record of forgiving “serious errors in judgement.”

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Eight young girls sustained moderate injuries when a crowd of thousands swarmed the gates in Sydney, Australia for a Justin Bieber concert. “That’s awful”, said Americans who heard the story. “And who the heck is Justin Bieber?” added anyone who doesn’t have a pre-teen daughter.

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(Inspired by a joke from Jason Love) These minivans with television for riders in the back seat can be a real problem for anyone driving behind them. In fact, many drivers report they get distracted and forget who they are texting.

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Decisions, decisions…

April 26, 2010

George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points” will be out November 9. The former President says it will be not so much an autobiography as a recounting of the difficult decisions he has had to make in his life. Chapter one presumably is titled -“Paper or Plastic?”

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Bush’s memoir actually will make him a member of a select but ever-increasing club. Those who write a book before they ever read one.
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The San Francisco Giants are now five for 55 for their last chances with men in scoring position. And four of those five didn’t get out of the infield. Jeez. Some of these early round American Idol rejects have better chances of getting hits.

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How bad is the Giants’ situational hitting? Let’s put it this way, to save embarassment their wives and families have been told to make sure birthday parties don’t include pinatas.

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While the Big Ten is considering expansion to as many as 14 teams, Penn State coach Joe Paterno says he thinks the Pac 10 will expand first. And the Pac 10 could actually draw on a pool including UFL and CFL (Canadian Football League teams.) After all, with USC they’re used to working with paid players.

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Oft-injured second baseman Freddy Sanchez, now with the San Francisco Giants, apparently thinks he could be ready to play for the team as early as mid-May. No word on which year.

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British Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has warned that while he believes extra-terrestrials are out there, “contact with aliens could be risky.” True enough, in the U.S. we almost elected one vice president.

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Stephen Hawking said is that there is almost certainly intelligent life outside this planet. But we probably shouldn’t worry; if they can pick up broadcasts of “Dancing with the Stars,” “The Marriage Ref” and “Kate Plus 8” they will almost certainly bypass Earth on the grounds of there being no intelligent life on THIS planet.

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The Vancouver Canucks and Phoenix Coyotes could end up meeting in the NHL playoffs this year. Does this mean that the Arizona cops will be hanging around the arena questioning every fan entering with a Canucks jersey?

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Lost?

April 25, 2010

In a good news story, two lost women hikers were rescued from a northern California park when rescuers were able to track a signal from one of their cellphones.

Of course, no word on how many hikers get lost in the first place because they are paying more attention to their cellphones than the trail.

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Speaking of lost, Barry Zito has long been given up for dead by San Francisco sports fans after he signed that huge 7 year $126 million contract. But Barry pitched another gem tonight, outdueling St. Louis star Adam Wainwright 2-0 for his third win of the season.

Hmm, maybe that means there’s hope for JaMarcus Russell? No, never mind…

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The Oakland Raiders surprised the sporting world with competent and safe draft picks. Not sure who was making the final decisions, but wonder if some member of the organization told Al Davis the draft was next week?

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A 24 year old New York man was arrested for trying to sell his children on Craigslist. Which is appalling, what kind of terrible parent would try to sell their young children? Their teenagers, maybe.

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Okay, a show of hands from sports fans who expected the headlines after tonight’s Los Angeles-Oklahoma City game four would be something along the lines of “the Thunder Rolls…”

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Sarah Palin told a crowd at a fundraiser in Eugene that she is more like them than they think. Because, as an example, she says she eats granola. In fact, she can even see the granola trees from her house.
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New homage to Carnac: Answer: Joe vs. the Volcano. Question: Who does President Obama think would be the two finalists in a contest to see who can spew hot air the longest?

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commie pinko finale-
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The tornado in Mississippi was awful. But so many right-wing preachers have been quick to claim natural disasters are God’s punishment for sinning. Wonder why not even one has suggested God might not be happy with Mississippi’s governor saying that omitting slavery in a proclamation about the Confederacy “doesn’t matter for diddly.”

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Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.

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There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

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Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

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Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

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A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.

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Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

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So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

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Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

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Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

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