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Morning after…

October 25, 2010

You know you’ve been a Giants fan all year when… you woke up this morning and wanted to check the paper or online to make sure it really did happen, and Howard didn’t hit a walkoff homerun or something…

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Still don’t believe this is magic? Juan Uribe of the SF Giants…. 25 home runs total this year. And how many to the opposite field? One. Saturday night in Philly.

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We have all heard now how Christine O’Donnell says she is not a witch. Has anyone heard Bruce Bochy say he is not a warlock?

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Anyone in California feeling sorry for those Phillies fans should read some Philadelphia papers online. Those papers were indeed full of angst tonight, but it was more about the Eagles losing to the Titans.

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Headline in L.A Times today: “Giants ride hit charade to the World Series.” But let’s be fair, it must be hard for Los Angeles. Other than USC, the city hasn’t had a professional football team for years. This year they really didn’t have a professional baseball team either.

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Meanwhile, the now 1-6,San Francisco 49ers announced in a press release that contrary to expectations and popular belief, the team has discovered that are PLENTY of things that could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning.

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49ers coach Mike Singletary thinks his 1-6 team can still make the playoffs. Playoffs? At this point San Francisco would be a longshot to be bowl-eligible.

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So the NFL is now sending the 1-6 49ers (who just lost to the previously winless Panthers) and the 2-5 Broncos (who just were destroyed by the Raiders) to play in London next week. Is this a game or an extradition?

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The 49ers lost two fumbles and an interception Sunday, the Broncos lost FIVE fumbles and an interception. Maybe because the British are used to football being soccer, the NFL decided to send them two teams who don’t regularly use their hands.

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Meg Whitman is decrying the practice of allowing students who are not legal immigrants to attend California universities, saying they are taking places from California citizens.

As opposed to kids whose places might be taken at places like Princeton because other students’ parents donate money to build new dorms?

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Meg Whitman’s new California ad states “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience.”

Over in Nevada, however, where voters have the Senate choice between Harry Reid and Sharron Angle, the number one response to that ad “We’ll trade you.”

(In all seriousness, for those not following the Nevada race, well more than half of each candidates “supporters” say they wish they had someone else to vote for.)

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Giants jokes, Meg Whitman jokes

Comments: 4 Comments

And somewhere men are laughing…

October 24, 2010

And somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Philly. Mighty Howard has struck out.

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Ryan Howard clearly didn’t read the late great umpire Durwood Merrill’s memoir “You’re out and you’re ugly too.”

In that book, Merrill said he had one response for batters who complained about a 3-2 called strike. “If it wasn’t a strike it was close enough. You think all these people paid their way in here to see you walk?”

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And perhaps apropos of nothing, but the Phillies payroll of almost $150 million? It will end up about the same amount of money Meg Whitman will spend on her California gubernatorial campaign.

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San Diego Padres pitcher Mat Lantos ridiculed the Giants late in the season by saying San Francisco had just gone out and “grabbed players from other teams.”

Well, sort of, except that the Padres themselves added Miguel Tejada and Ryan Ludwick. And more importantly the Phillies added Roy Oswalt, the Rangers added Cliff Lee, the Yankees (who wanted Lee) added Lance Berkman and Kerry Wood.

With all due respect, most playoff bound teams go shopping at Saks. The Giants went to the Rack and the Dollar Store.

(And as far as names, Ramirez, Lopez and Ross? Not exactly marquee talent. Not to mention Burrell who was picked up midseason, quite literally for almost nothing.)

Regarding Pat Burrell, who was flat out released by the Tampa Rays, at least they have a player on their payroll in the World Series.

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A tale of two LCS’s. The Rangers outscored the Yankees by 19 runs in their six games. The Giants won their LCS in six games by scoring 19 runs exactly. (The Phillies actually scored 20. But who’s counting?)

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NBA commissioner David Stern said that contracting (translation – eliminating) – some of the weaker teams could be a solution to the league’s financial problems. Which means the Timberwolves are likely on the list. When asked about how they felt about losing their NBA basketball team, fans in Minnesota responded “We have an NBA team?”

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Sacramento Kings fans are nervous that their team too could be contracted, leaving the area without a professional NBA basketball team. Clippers fans responded, “Welcome to our world.”

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If the Toronto Blue Jays ever make it back to the postseason would we still have to hear “God bless America”every seventh inning?

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Brett Favre apparently didn’t give up on Jenn Sterger after he left the Jets. According to the NY Post, Favre made a “recruiting call,” (how’s that for a PC term) to that former sideline reporter in 2009.

Who knew, despite all those interceptions, Brett’s most ill-conceived passes may have been off the field.

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Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson, told Bill Maher than he’s definitely running for mayor of Wasilla. Johnston also said he “is working on building a platform, although he didn’t offer specifics.”

Well, sounds like he’s already up to speed for sounding like an average politician.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Phillies jokes

Comments: 5 Comments

America’s team?

October 22, 2010

Are the Texas Rangers really now America’s team? Could be. Most of them are underpaid by MLB standards, the team declared bankruptcy earlier in the year, and they are much better off without George W. Bush in charge.

(for all non-hardcore baseball fans, before W. ran for governor and then President, he was the managing partner of the Rangers. And amongst other things, traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.)

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Alex Rodriguez made the last out for New York in the ALCS. Particularly fitting since his salary is more than half that of the whole Rangers team. ($33 million to 55 million.)

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The headline in Saturday’s New York Post says “$210 million bust.” So thanks to the Yankees, Meg Whitman’s campaign may avoid this year’s dubious honor of being “Most money spent in a losing cause.”

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The Yankees, ever resilient, are considering filing for a roster rule change for 2011. Preferably to make the trade deadline the seventh inning stretch during postseason games.

And while the players themselves watch the World Series between naps and golf games, for management, still flush with free agent cash, the games will be shopping time.

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In fact, the Yankees especially wish Josh Hamilton and Cliff Lee well. And promise them a bigger ring when they win the 2011 World Series in pinstripes.

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Let’s hope none of those Chilean miners are casual baseball fans, if one of them hears that the New York Yankees are not going to the World Series because they were beaten by the Texas Rangers, they are likely to head to the doctor asking for medication to help with hallucinations.

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“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Who knew Nietzsche was an SF Giants fan?

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American Kamari Charlton, a former FSU Seminoles, may be punished by “caning” in Singapore after overstaying his 90 day visa by 169 days. Charlton must have been a math major at Florida State.

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According to CNN, Jeb Bush said Friday he isn’t running for president, but would support Sarah Palin if she were to run. I thought Jeb was supposed to be “the smart one.”

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When asked how she was coping with the allegations against her husband, Deanna Favre says: “I’m handling this through faith.” Upon hearing this Elin Nordegren sent Deanna a gift of golf clubs.

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And this is a groaner, I know, but – Former President Clinton is going to tail gate for some of his fellow Democrats this weekend. And if there’s anyone who knows “tails,” it’s Bill Clinton.

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In a rare public speech at a trade conference, former President George W. Bush said his greatest failure as a president was not privatizing Social Security. His remarks occasioned immediate requests for more pre-election speeches, from Democrats.

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Apparently there is talk in the airline industry of commercial passenger jets someday being flown solo. But it’s unlikely to happen. Most pilots don’t like to drink alone.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Giants jokes, Rangers jokes, Yankees jokes

Comments: 7 Comments

Okay, let’s be real here….(NLCS Game 5 postmortem edition)

October 22, 2010

While no one who roots for the 2010 version of the SF Giants is happy about tonight’s 4-2 loss to the Phillies, alas it has to be said. Anyone who really expected this team to sweep the Phillies at home and win the NLCS in five, clearly hasn’t been paying attention.

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So now, game six in Philadelphia Saturday. And the SF Giants haven’t beaten Roy Oswalt since…Wednesday night.

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Just when you think the whole Bay Area has caught playoff fever big time, I get this report from a client about her boss, who was calling the office (hands-free) from her car in SF, and said “Are the Giants playing tonight or something? There’s a really big traffic jam.”

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In game five, Tim Lincecum actually outpitched Roy Halladay. But a horrible third inning gave the Phillies three runs. The inning included a hit batter (who didn’t try to get out of the way), a bunt that was probably foul, third baseman Pablo Sandoval not touching third base to start a double play, and first baseman Aubrey Huff ‘channeling Brooks Conrad on a ground ball for a two run error.

Said Giants manager Bruce Bochy “We just didn’t play real crisp.” “Real crisp? Yeah, more like a six-month old open box of Rice Krispies cereal.

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From TC: “If Pablo Sandoval and Bengie Molina get any bigger, Greenpeace will be trying to save them.”

But okay, in the sour grapes department, Major League Baseball should either enforce this rule, or get rid of it:

6.08
The batter becomes a runner and is entitled to first base without liability to be put out (provided he advances to and touches first base) when (b) He is touched by a pitched ball which he is not attempting to hit unless (1) The ball is in the strike zone when it touches the batter, or (2) The batter makes no attempt to avoid being touched by the ball;

Phillies catcher Carlos Ruiz has been hit by pitches four times in the postseason, twice against the Giants. Tonight he didn’t even flinch, let alone move.

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“Fear the beard” has become an SF Giants mantra. Lincecum and Posey say they will join the party too. As soon as they are old enough to shave.

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Meanwhile, in college football, UCLA was trounced by Oregon 60-13, in a game remiscent of the Bruins’ earlier 35-0 loss to Stanford.

Yet, this UCLA team also managed to beat Houston 31-13, and upset then undefeated Texas 34-12.

No wonder the Longhorns didn’t follow through on their rumored plan to join the Pac 10. At this rate the only thing less popular than California college teams in the state of Texas just might be liberals.

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The newly formed Pac 12 will divide into two divisions for football, with Stanford, Cal, Oregon, OSU, Washington and WSU in the North, and UCLA, USC, Arizona, ASU, Colorado and Utah in the South. Apparently the plan fell through to move USC to where they really belong, the NFC West.

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Meg Whitman’s poll numbers in Calfornia have apparently plummeted with Latinos after the controversy with her former maid. Which brings up a reminder again, for all would-be politicians and sports stars: If you have ANY relationship, working or romantic, that you don’t want to see on the front page, make sure you end it on good terms.

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Open note to Carly Fiorina: If you are going to run ads saying “I’ll oppose my party when it’s wrong,” and you actually mean it, could you come up with just ONE example where you think the Republicans are wrong now ?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Giants jokes, NLCS game 5

Comments: 1 Comment

Panda -monium.

October 21, 2010

Some people think watching sports is relaxing. These people are not SF Giants fans.

And after Juan Uribe’s walkoff sacrifice fly to give the Giants a 6-5 win – somewhere Jose Uribe is smiling.

(Jose was Juan’s uncle, part of the Giants’ great Uribe to Thompson to Clark DP combination in the 80s. Thompson and Clark were there tonight, Uribe was killed in a car accident some years ago.)

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Random thought for night: Jamie Moyer has gloves older than Madison Bumgarner.

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Of course no series is over til it’s over. Ask the 2004 Yankees or the 1968 Cardinals, for example. But still Giants fans have to love this column from Philly.com – written by a Daily News report about the Phillies after game four tonight:

” They won these games once. They took advantage of a little thing here, a little thing there, reversed imminent victories for the other team into series-altering losses. Not anymore. They are that other team now. Officially.

Officially. They run themselves into outs. They muff double-play ground balls, double-clutch on throws to the plate, watch third strikes pass by with runners in scoring position.

They tie the game, get a runner on second in the eighth inning with no outs last night, have their speedy shortstop at the plate, and don’t bunt the runner over.

here’s the link to the full story. With comments.

Officially. They run themselves into outs. They muff double-play ground balls, double-clutch on throws to the plate, watch third strikes pass by with runners in scoring position.

They tie the game, get a runner on second in the eighth inning with no outs last night, have their speedy shortstop at the plate, and don’t bunt the runner over.

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/sammy/Phillies_finally_hit_but_hole_grows_deeper.html

My favorite so far is the guy who said “Oswalt had that 12 year old down 0-2 and couldn’t finish him?”

(that “12 year old” is Buster Posey, who my friend Michael Duca says “will be the best player in the NL by the time he is 14.)

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Note to any baseball writers, especially on the East coast, who voted for Jason Heyward as NL Rookie of the Year: The Giants graciously accept your apology.

(Ditto to anyone who predicted a Yankees or Phillies sweep in their respective Championship series…)

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Whichever side you are on, there are good reasons to be a Giants fan in California right now. Like this one – while they are winning it is possible to turn on the television and see something current, positive, and NOT another political commercial.

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Speaking of which, Meg Whitman likes to predict gloom and doom for California if we elect Jerry Brown Governor again. Well, whoever wins, I guess it’s true the state’s media outlets will take a hitmediaconomy will take a hit….without Meg pouring over $100 million a year into commercials.

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And one more nonbaseball item:

Pittsburgh Steelers lineback James Harrison is so upset about the new NFL rules about suspensions for dangerous hits that he claims he is thinking of retiring. This is the same Harrison who said “I don’t want to see anyone injured, but I’m not opposed to hurting anyone.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Phllies jokes, SF Giants

Comments: 3 Comments

New York State of Whine…

October 20, 2010

Yankees down 3-1 in the ALCS to Texas? This would never have happened while George Steinbrenner was alive. He would have just bought the whole Rangers team.

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Its not that Yankees players haven’t heard fans scream ‘Yankees suck” before. They just usually haven’t heard it in New York.

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Maybe when Jerry Jones proclaimed so loudly that a Dallas team would be playing for the championship, he should have specified what sport.

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And who’d a thunk that the Rangers might win – might have won – more games in October than the Cowboys will win all year.

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Stat of the night: Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter together make as much as the entire payroll of the Texas Rangers.

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For Giants fans, torture is an acquired taste. And bandwagon fans may not even realize it when they see it. Take today, when Brian Wilson induced a double-play grounder from Raul Ibanez to end the game and preserve a 3-0 SF win.

Longtime (or at least regular 2010) Giants fans just KNEW Wilson was going to let Ibanez get on base and bring Carlos Ruiz, the Phillies power-hitting catcher, to the plate as the tying run. Not that Brian wasn’t going to get Ruiz out. But we all expected it was going to be a lot closer to the edge.

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But meanwhile, the rumor was that Fox scheduled the Giants-Phillies game three for the absurd time of 119p, (419p eastern time.) so it didn’t interfere with their Tuesday night hit show.

Well if so, for this Tuesday at least there was still no Glee in Philadelphia.

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Okay, for the trade of the year as far as benefiting both teams, can I nominate the trade that sent Benji Molina to the Rangers? (And it doesn’t even matter that Chris Ray isn’t on the Giants playoff roster. The kid they replaced Molina with has done okay.)

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And whatever side you’re on in Calfiornia, and even if you don’t care that much about baseball, there is something about the Giants (so far) miracle postseason run. At least you stand a chance of turning on the television and seeing something positive as opposed to the near 24/7 political ads.

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Meanwhile, from the Windy City: Instead of going with Ryne Sandberg as expected, the Chicago Cubs chose interim manager Mike Quade, 535, to manage the club in 2011. Makes sense, the guy managed more than 2300 games in the Expos, Phillies, As and Cubs farm system. So he has experience in dealing with Triple A level talent.

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During their Delaware Senate debate Tuesday night Christine O’Donnell challenged her opponent Chris Coons “Where in the Constitution is separation of church and state?” Well, added to all those colleges she didn’t attend, I can only surmise the classes she didn’t take were in history.

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Details, details… Details, details. Sarah Palin recently sent out a tweet saying that Pennsylvania voters need to send Republican John Raese to the Senate. Except that Raese is the Republican nominee in West Virginia.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Giants torture, Palin jokes, Yankees jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

“Money can’t buy me love?”

October 19, 2010

The new Yankees theme song? One thing for sure, Monday night, it couldn’t buy them runs.

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Cliff Lee has now beaten the New York Yankees three times in a row in the post season, twice last year with the Phillies and tonight with the Rangers. But the Yankees, unfazed as always, have a plan – sign Lee to a mega multi-year free agent contract for 2011.

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(And if they don’t, can I bet on whatever team Lee is on August 1 making it at least to their league championship series?)

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Many New York viewers tonight were asking themselves one question – “When did the Mets bullpen put on pinstripes?”

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In Monday’s ALCS game, a six run ninth for the Rangers turned a close 2-0 game into an 8-0 blowout. And with the third out the uninitiated just heard a textbook definition of a Bronx cheer.

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Just wondering, if the Blue Jays ever make it back to the playoffs, will we have to go through the now ubiquitous seventh-inning version of “God Bless America?”

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On the other hand, there were rumors of Yankees fans throwing up in the ninth inning Monday night.

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And you think your life is rough: “To move to a whole new state is not fun — trying to figure out your family situation, figure out where you’ll be living, figuring out new routes to your work. That’s not fun.” So says a USA Today article quoting Lebron James.

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Attention parents of a certain age. A serious new opportunity to embarrass your children is on the horizon – October 26, “Glee” does “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” (Props of course, like toast, rice, newspaper, toilet paper etc, are optional.)

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The local media are full of stories today about the 49ers having San Francisco Bay Area bragging rights after beating the Oakland Raiders on Sunday. Isn’t that like bragging about being the winner of a spelling bee between George W. Bush and Dan Quayle?

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An actual serious comment for a change: Regarding all the increasingly violent collisions and resulting injuries in the NFL, one commentator said yesterday he didn’t know how to stop it, because the 15 yard penalties aren’t working. Here’s a suggestion: if you put someone on the disabled list with an illegal hit, you get suspended until he gets back. Period.

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Jackass 3D” was the big winner at the box office last weekend. As opposed to “Jackass 2D”, which was Brett Favre’s texting pictures of his junk.

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Apparently Brett Favre may lose some endorsements over his potential “sexting” scandal. On the brighter side, he could pick some up for junk food. (And yes, I know, probably In and Out burger.)

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The Vatican’s official newspaper has declared Homer Simpson is Catholic. Well, I guess as a father he’s less embarrassing than many of their priests.-

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As we approach game three of the NLCS, TC reminds Giants fans it was a successful trip to Philadelphia. “No one got puked on, and no one got tased.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, Yankees jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

Weekend postmortem.

October 18, 2010

A thought regarding this Brett Favre alleged “sexting” controversy: it’s a good thing that camera cell phones weren’t around when Joe Namath was with the Jets.

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And to anyone who says “Character matters” to fans in the NFL, I give you Ben Roethlisberger, loudly cheered in his return from his four game suspension. Wonder how many of those happy fans have college-age daughters.

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Owner Jerry Jones said that despite the Dallas Cowboys’ 1-4 start there won’t be any midseason firings. Executions, maybe.

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Meanwhile, the previously 0-4 Carolina Panthers had their best week of the season. It was a bye-week.

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Giants baseball may be torture. Raiders-49ers football is just plain ugly.

Anyone want a reason to root for the Giants and Rangers to make it to the World Series? Here’s one: Because Fox really really wants a Yankees-Phillies matchup.

And reason number 2. – the Giants’ and Rangers’ payrolls together barely equal the Phillies (less if you don’t count Zito, who isn’t on the playoff roster.) And adding them together is still $50 million less than the Yankees.

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Cablevision subscribers in New York and Philadelphiat missed both Giants-Phillies baseball games, and the New York Giants football game due to a dispute between the cable company and News Corp (parent of Fox), that resulted in Fox channels being off the air for two days.

Bummer, but if this is going to keep happening, many New York Cablevision customers are saying, “Can’t the next off-air disruption happen election night?”

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“Undercover Boss” tonight featured an airline CEO going undercover and even cleaning bathrooms. The premise is just a bit unbelievable…. airlines clean their bathrooms?

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In their Nevada Senate debate last week, Sharron Angle told Harry Reid to “man-up.” Now, I’m not a huge Reid fan, but can you imagine the reaction had he told Angle to “act like a lady?” (Or even if he told her to “man-up?”)

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Meghan McCain said on ABC’s this week that Christine O’Donnell’s success scares her, because O’Donnell is “seen as a nutjob,” and “she is making a mockery of running for public office, with no real history, no real success in any kind of business.” Years from now we may decide the wrong McCain ran for president.

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Meghan also mentioned that O’Donnell had “no real success” in business. Which brings to mind Carly Fiorina, whose resume is mixed, but at her last two jobs, HP CEO, and economic advisor to John McCain’s campaign, she was fired…

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from Bill Littlejohn: “Reggie Jackson reportedly has an I.Q. of 160.When informed of this, Reggie said, ‘I’m the straw that stirs the think'”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Favre jokes, Meghan McCain, NFL jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

Another #1 bites the dust….

October 17, 2010

Ohio State lasted all of one week at number one before they were knocked off 31-18 by the Wisconsin Badgers.

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Texas 7, New York 2. Texas’s bullpen held on. But as the game headed to the eighth, Rangers fans had to be united in one thought…. any chance Nolan Ryan might be available??

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Friday night, however, with a 5-0 lead over the Yankees in game one of the ALCS, Texas fans were hoping for a historic evening . As it turned out, historic, yes, kind of like the Alamo.

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According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, a league official is expected to meet with Brett Favre this week. The league is apparently taking seriously the allegations that Favre sent “sext”messages to a reporter when he was with the Jets.

The details will be worked out once the league and Brett can work out a mutually agreeable time between his regular nap and the “Early Bird special.”

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Okay,even if Tim Lincecum never wins another post-season game (unlikely), he might win the award for best respond to playoff heckling. After receiving a game’s worth of wolf-whistles and cat-calls for his long hair, Lincecum’ s response was “I must have a really nice butt.”

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The San Jose Sharks, despite an early 2-0 lead, lost their home opener to the Atlanta Thrashers 4-2. On a brighter note, fans know that despite it being October, the Sharks are already in playoff form.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Lincecum jokes, playoff jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Televised torture…

October 16, 2010

Fox baseball analyst Tim McCarver came out against instant replay, saying it “will kill the pace of the game.” You know what already kills the pace of the game? Listening to Tim McCarver.

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(Actually McCarver doing color for the NLCS will do his part to help the Giants live up to their “Giants baseball torture” billing. At least the torture part. And then between innings we get political commercials. Shouldn’t this be reported as a violation of the Geneva convention?)

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My friend Alex Kaseberg has a Tim McCarver imitation: “What some people forget is that a baseball is round. And the bat is round. So you gotta hit a round thing with another round thing. That’s hard.”

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But announcing aside, baseball’s all about the day-to-day grind, 162 games in 6 months, no real breaks. So part of the drama is the war of attrition and which players can fight through exhaustion and nagging injuries. Then then we get to the post season…. with no games for DAYS. Thank you FOX and Bud Selig.’

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‎So in game one of the ALCS, 5-0 Texas lead going to the 7th, turns into a 6-5 Yankees win. How many other Giants fans were having painful flashbacks to World Series game six?

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While there were many pitching goats out of the bullpen for the Rangers, the biggest horns may belong to Darren Oliver, 40, who came in with a 5-2 lead, and walked the only two batters he faced.

That’s what can happen when you bring in an inexperienced young guy in the playoffs, said Jamie Moyer.

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Another sign it’s just too long between games in the playoffs….. Heard today on the radio, “The Giants will have a good chance in the NLCS if they can outscore the Phillies…”

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Apparently Paramount is working on a sequel to Top Gun. Wonder if it will open up with “Maverick” and “Charlie” meeting up again while cruising gay bars….?

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In a new video, Justin Bieber apparently criticizes Tom Brady’s hair in a new video. Isn’t that like Sarah Palin criticizing Christine O’Donnell’s knowledge of current events?

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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin was in Northern California, and during a speech in San Jose she accused Democrats of being like “permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and talked about them using “pixie dust.”

Hmm, sounds like someone might have had a pre-speech meeting with “California Republicans in Favor of Proposition 19.”..

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The University of Georgia has a new mascot, UGA VIII, a 13 month old English bulldog, who will make his first appearance at the school’s homecoming game against Vanderbilt. According to the school’s athletic director ” As our mascot he represents everything we want our student-athletes and fans to be … proud, loyal, tenacious and relentless.

The jury’s out as to whether UGA VIII aka Big Bad Bruce) will help the school turn around what has been a difficult year for the football team. But at least he can probably get through the year without being arrested.

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Years ago, after a rough 49ers loss, San Francisco mayor Willie Brown called quarterback Elvis Grbac an “embarrassment to humankind.” Hmm. Maybe nobody had better ask Willie what he thinks of Alex Smith.

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Sports headline: Favre questionable for Vikings. Well, his behavior for sure. And here the pundits were worried about Randy Moss being a distraction.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Giants jokes, Tim McCarver jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

A few notes…

October 14, 2010

Open note to Tea Party and anti-government types. Regarding those Chilean miners. Private enterprise got them in there, a government-led rescue operation, aided by other countries, got them out.

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Interesting parallels between the Chilean miners and the San Francisco 49ers. The miners were just rescued from underground, the 49ers will probably be buried again next Sunday.

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Meg Whitman has now spent $140 million on her campaign for governor in California. At this rate she will easily eclipse the 2010 record for spending in a lost cause – $146 million, which was the payroll of the Chicago Cubs.

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Meg Whitman did say on CNN that she was finally going to accept Jerry Brown’s apology for the slur his wife may have used, and that ” it’s time to talk about the issues.”

Translation, the only people who really cared about the “whore” comment were the ones who thought Jerry’s wife was right.

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Federal prosecutors in Detroit were embarrassed to find out that a man they had charged with running an illegal lottery is actually dead. In their defense, apparently the man did just vote in Chicago.

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Two women were kicked out of a Baltimore Ravens game for kissing in a concession line. Male fans of at least 20 other teams have since invited the women to come attend a game at THEIR stadium.

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Meanwhile, to highlight “Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House was lit up with pink light on Thursday. Bill Clinton has allegedly volunteered to do his part too, offering free manual breast exams.”

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Ines Sainz, the TV reporter who was harassed by the Jets, said she would no longer do interviews in NFL locker rooms as “It’s not a good place right now for me.” Sainz was wearing a sequined mini skirt and blouse at the time. With all due respect, NFL locker rooms are probably not a good place for anyone, male or female, wearing a sequined miniskirt.

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Christine O’Donnell has exaggerated her college studies, and when asked, could not think of a single Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. But she says if elected, she will “defend the Constitution.” Defend it? Why should we think she has even read it?

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Privately, John McCain was appalled that Christine O’Donnell couldnt even name one recent Supreme Court case. Jeez, he reportedly fumed privately, she couldn’t have even said “Dred Scott”?

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Meanwhile, you’ve got to love Carly Fiorina’s “Party doesn’t Matter” ad against Barbara Boxer. Especially at the end where it says “Paid for by the Republican Senatorial Committee.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Meg Whitman whore jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Miracles and beyond…

October 14, 2010

At least one of the formerly trapped miners in Chile apparently had a wife AND mistress waiting for him upon his return. In related news, Gloria Allred is on a plane to Santiago.

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More than half the Chilean miners have now been rescued. This is the biggest miracle of the year, or at least since the Detroit Lions won a game on Sunday.

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Gilbert Arenas was fined Wednesday for faking being injured to avoid playing in the Washington pre-season opener. Wonder how long it will take other members of the Wizards to be fined for faking being an NBA team?

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Brett Favre said he would consider sitting out a game because of tendinitis in his elbow. Hmm, knew you could get tennis elbow -is this the first known case of “texting elbow?”

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One more in the never-ending story where a Jerry Brown staffer called Meg Whitman a “whore” for her behavior with the police officers’ union. A member of the Sex Workers Union stated, “No way is this allegation true, we whores have better hair.”

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A quote from Nietzsche that may resonate with frustrated Democrats this November : “At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.”

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You cannot make this stuff up dept: New York gubernatioral candidate Carl Paladino has made some nasty gay slurs. But apparently back in Buffalo he collected rent from gay clubs, had a son who RAN such a club, and was seen more than once in lesbian bars… What’s next, a “wide stance?”

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back to baseball:

Cliff Lee, traded from Seattle in July, Roy Halladay, traded from Toronto last December, C.C. Sabathia, signed as a free agent from Milwaukee in December 2008… The SF Giants have the only “home-grown” game one starter left this year in baseball. (And in fact, ALL four playoff starters came up with the Giants. We won’t talk about Zito.)

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From Marc Ragovin, about the Rangers-Rays series. “Ya know, for a minute there watching Cliff Lee pitch to Carl Crawford in the ALDS I thought I was watching a Yankees 2011 preseason intrasquad game.”

(This would be funnier if it weren’t likely true.)

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Asked to name a recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with, Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell stumbled and finally couldn’t think of one. In her defense, she said while running for office she really hasn’t had time to watch tennis matches.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Chilean miners jokes, miners jokes

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About those penalty kicks…

October 13, 2010

Halladay-Lincecum for game one of the NLCS Saturday night in Philadelphia. Presumed over-under on the game in Vegas? One and a half.

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(A few weeks ago I wrote the Padres-Giants race for the division title might be decided by penalty kicks… on Saturday night, for the Phillies-Giants game, it could happen.)

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And once this torture trip of a season is over, how long will it take for the SF Giants to become the official major league baseball team of Prilosec?

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Meanwhile, in the AL, the Rangers-Rays ALDS series was notable because NEITHER team won a home game. In fact, they both had the best ratio of road to home scoring since a young Bill Clinton first hit the campaign trail.

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But congratulations to the 1961 expansion Washington Senators, now the Texas Rangers, for their first ever playoff win, and advancing to the ALCS. (And in a nice touch of irony, the original Washington Senators, who left Washington after the 1960 seasons to become the Minnesota Twins, was swept in the first round.)

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And in all seriousness, add to the nice gesture the Giants made of applauding Bobby Cox during their celebration Tuesday, the Texas Rangers’ starting their clubhouse celebration with ginger ale. (Josh Hamilton ,a team star, has admitted serious substance abuse issues, and doesn’t feel comfortable now even just being doused in alcohol.)

The Rangers brought out the hard stuff later, but Hamilton was at least able to get wet. And presumably, sticky.

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As if folks in the San Francisco Bay Area needed any more reason to hate Fox…. they give us Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to call the Giants-Phillies series. And a 119p start time Tuesday for the first NLCS home game.

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University Georgia tailback Caleb King became the 11th Bulldog to be arrested this SEASON. On the brighter side, in the interest of efficiency, Georgia huddles can now double as probation hearings.

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From Bill Littlejohn: A statue of King Tut’s grandfather has been unearthed in Egypt. So, was it wearing a Packers or Vikings jersey?

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The SF 49ers have said that their offense again next week will be led by Quarterback Alex Smith. Well, makes some sense, Smith is likely to lead the team to another number one draft pick.

In the last California gubernatorial debate between Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown, of course the “whore” question came up. Shame the -debate wasn’t being moderated by a real expert, like Eliot Spitzer.

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At least Jerry’s wife/aide/whoever simply called Meg a “whore. While Whitman is going on about how offensive women find that word, I, and most of my women friends, can think of about half a dozen that are worse.

(And for anyone who’s read the internet stories about her family, it’s a bit ironic that Whitman won’t let his one go. Google her sons and their high school and college careers for some rumors that do not exactly bespeak delicate sensibilities.)

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The Republican party is pouring money into California in hopes of helping Carly Fiorina unseat Senator Barbara Boxer. Here’s an alternative suggestion – if the GOP really cares so much about winning that Boxer’s seat, why don’t they actually nominate a reasonable semi-moderate candidate to run against her?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Giants torture jokes

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Giants baseball – okay, what’s BEYOND torture?

October 12, 2010

In the NLCS, fans may be about to find out. (This is of course supposed to be fun. )

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SF’s hitting hero, if you can have a hitting hero in a series where you score 11 runs, and win 3 of 4 games, is Cody Ross. Who hit a critical home run and an RBI single.

Ross was actually picked up in August, , not because the Giants wanted his bat, but simply to keep the San Diego Padres from getting him off waivers.

Proving something that women sports fans may understand more than men. .. sometimes spite is its own reward.

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And only for fans of Marathon Man will this make sense – “Giants baseball, is it safe?

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On a brighter note, the Giants may soon become the official team of the American Dental Association.

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For Giants fans, it was a thrilling NLDS, for Braves fans… let’s just say the town hasn’t seen such a weak defense since a guy named Sherman showed up….

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Note to Atlanta fans, if you can’t fill your own stadium when the Braves are facing a playoff elimination game, and when your Hall of Fame manager might be managing his last game, you don’t deserve to see your team go on to the NCLS. (and yes, there were several thousand empty seats, by official count about 6,000, but maybe more.)

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But with Cox retiring, in a perfect world, can he take the Tomahawk Chop with him?

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Anyone looking for a team to root for, or rather root against, during the playoffs? Here’s some numbers. The payroll numbers for three of the teams left in the postseason- the SF Giants, the Texas Rangers and the Tampa Bay Rays, TOGETHER are barely over the the $206,000,000 million plus paid out by the NY Yankees.

2010 Numbers for the teams that are left, for what it’s worth:

New York Yankees: $206 million

Philadelphia Phillies: $142 million

SF Giants: $97 million

Tampa Bay Rays: $71 million

Texas Rangers: $55 million.

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Meanwhile, the Boston Red Sox $162 million, and the Chicago Cubs, $146 million. Thereby assuring that the $150 million Meg Whitman is spending for her run to be California governor just might not be the biggest waste of money this year.

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From Gary Morton: Disappointed that the Atlanta paper didn’t lead with a “Conrad delivers Braves to the heart of darkness” type of headline. (Yes, okay, this may not make sense to non-English majors.)

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Google is testing a driverless car. But will it be able to text, feed you, and do your makeup?

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Brett Favre reportedly apologized to his Vikings teammates for the sexting allegations against him. Favre said he didn’t want to be a “distraction” to the team, at least until the offseason when he goes through the whole retirement decision again.

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But speaking of potentially insanely stupid texts. Jed York, owner of the 0-5 San Francisco 49ers, texted to ESPN “We’re going to win the division.” With all due respect, he’s going to need to do more than “dabble” in witchcraft to make that happen.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Brett Favre jokes, Giants torture, Giants torture jokes

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The torture continues….

October 11, 2010

What was that old line.. the beatings will continue until morale improves. (And was it said by a Giants fan?)

Today’s SF Giants come-from-ahead-then-behind win – Just another f**king laugher!

Wonder if anyone else had this stomach-churning memory when Brooks Conrad was playing his own particular version of “no-hands” baseball:

Back in 1986, Roger Craig was managing the SF Giants and due to injuries, needed a player to fill in for a game at third base. Catcher Bob Brenly (who was doing color commentary for the game Sunday on TBS ), volunteered. And he made FOUR errors in one inning. But Brenly also had two hits in the game when he came up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Giants trailing by one with a man on. And he hit a walk-off home run.

If Brian Wilson had loaded the bases, not an impossible thought given his creative style, the batter would have been – Brooks Conrad.

From my friend Jerry Perisho: Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday cost the Braves the game. The last person to screw an entire team was Madonna.

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How many years of chances will 49ers quarterback Alex Smith get? He’d last as long in Philly as Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

In the “torture loves company” department: Giants fans, can we have a moment for fans of the Texas Rangers? Only MLB franchise that has NEVER won a playoff series. Ever. As either the original Washington Senators or after they moved to Texas in 1971. And with a 2-0 series lead they just lost two games to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Texas Rangers today in the ALDS series to send the series back to Tropicana Field for game 5 tied 2-2. Based on their game 1 and 2 losses, lousy attendance, and the fact that they play in the worst stadium in the big leagues, wonder if the Rays said, “Uh, actually could we pass on home field and stay in Texas?”

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What’s worse for 49ers fans? Being 0-5? Or having two fewer wins than … the Raiders?

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In New York, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said in a speech to Orthodox Jewish leaders that he doesn’t want children “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality” is acceptable.

Fortunately, he’s losing big in the polls. Most New Yorkers don’t want children “brainwashed” into thinking stupidity and bigotry are acceptable.

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Rich Lott, a Ohio congressional candidate, is facing criticism from both parties after photos surfaced of him recently dressed in a German SS uniform to participate in Nazi re-enactment ceremonies. Lott says his participation was for “purely historical interest in World War II.” Well, if that is true, he’s too STUPID to serve in Congress.

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Meg Whitman appeared with former New York governor Rudy Giulani at a fundraiser today in California. (Wonder if Giulani commented that it was just 29 days away from the ninth anniversary of 9/11?.)

Whitman, however, turned down an offer to attend another fundraising event this week in Anaheim with Sarah Palin. Meg’s campaign said they had “competing events.” No doubt. Given Palin’s California approval ratings, Whitman would probably rather stay home and clean her house.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Bob Brenly four errors, Brooks Conrad, Janice Hough, Meg Whitman jokes, SF Giants torture jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

It could be worse…

October 10, 2010

Okay, as a Giants fan I am still mad about Friday night.

But how must it feel to be a Minnesota Twins fan? 12 playoff losses in a row. This team now folds faster than the winners at an Origami competition.

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Suppose there’s a silver lining for Vikings fans. Whatever happens with Favre Sunday, he’s unlikely to be the biggest embarrassment in town this week.

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Meanwhile at Candlestick Park, Michael Vick is unlikely to play for the Eagles against the 49ers due to his rib injury.

Many people think this is just as well, as Vick’s dogfighting past would be likely to get him a particularly nasty reception . San Francisco fans wouldn’t even support one of their own team if he were convicted of such crimes. Well, unless the player did something amazing afterwards – like lead the 49ers to a win.

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Apparently the University of Tennessee has renamed classroom 317 in the Communications building after former Volunteers QB Peyton Manning.

317 presumably being chosen because it’s the number of commercials Manning has made.

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Meanwhile at Southern Mississippi, the University is thinking of renaming a classroom after alum Brett Favre. Presumably in their archaeology department.

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At Stanford, the Cardinal knocked off USC 37-35 with a last second field goal,. The Trojans had taken the lead with a touchdown with 1:08 left , instead of running down the clock. Which means tonight, amongst other things, SC stands for Stupid Clock management.

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New t-shirt at Stanford – USC – University of Sanctioned Cheaters.

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So it’s hard to know for sure from the tape whether it really was Jerry Brown or his aide who really referred to Meg Whitman as a “whore.”

A tacky conversation to be sure. But realistically, is there anyone who has followed Brown’s career who is shocked by the idea that the once and potential future governor would swear in private?

In the meantime, Whitman’s latest commercial has her sayings some people say California can’t be governed, and “I say baloney.”

For that matter, does anyone believe that Meg would actually use the word “baloney?”

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Meanwhile, with rumors swirling about her interest in running for President in 2012, Politico.com reported Sarah Palin told a small group of Republicans at a private dinner in Florida that “critics also said Ronald Reagan couldn’t win in 1980.”

If this is going to be her line, wonder how long it will take some Republican to respond “I knew Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan was a friend of mine, Sarah, you’re no Ronald Reagan.”

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Twins jokes

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Orange Friday.

October 9, 2010

SF Giants were let down by their bullpen and defense Friday night. Said Cubs fans -“What’s a bullpen and defense?”

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The Giants were on a real roll early in the season on “Orange Fridays.” But they’ve now lost 3 of the last 4 games. Personally, I liked it better when the only real Friday torture was watching Pablo Sandoval in that orange jersey. Shades of the Great Pumpkin.

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Meanwhile, baseball fans around the country are still buzzing about Tim Lincecum’s 14 strikeout performance on Thursday. He mowed down Altantans faster than any guy not named Sherman.

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A recent AP poll shows that white Americans without a four-year college degree prefer Republicans 58 to 36 percent. “That’s a great start,” said Sarah Palin, “but with a better message we could probably get over half of those voters.”

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The NFL is now apparently investigating reports that Brett Favre allegedly sexted a former sideline reporter while he was with the Jets. Really? How could anyone believe that story? If Favre were thinking of sexting a woman, how could he decide on which one?

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Brett Favre has been accused of emailing pictures of his “junk” to a young female reporter while he was with New York. But most Jets fans feel confident the only “junk” Favre was sending out were his passes on the field.

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Jerry Brown has now apologized for an overheard conversation in which one of his aides called Meg Whitman a “whore.” Now, he has another apology request, from the sex workers union, who don’t want their members compared to politicians.

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Glen Coffee, who quit the SF 49ers because he felt “God wanted him to stop playing football,” was arrested in Florida for possession of a concealed firearm. Looks like Coffee got confused – even in Florida the 10 Commandments don’t include the right to bear arms.

Or maybe God just didn’t want to see another headline starting “NFL player arrested…”

John Kerry said today that John Edwards’ situation with his mistress and baby was a “tragedy.” No, Edwards’ situation is a nasty cocktail of stupidity, arrogance and testosterone. The tragedy would have been if the story broke when he was Vice President.

From Marc Ragovin : “I knew the Minnesota Twins were originally a Washington team, I just didn’t realize it was the Generals.

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Freak show.

October 8, 2010

Tim Lincecum, 14 strikeouts, 31 swing and misses (most in the majors all season), and a 1-0 complete game victory. And he did it without benefit of pitching to his own lineup.

(No, it wasn’t quite the record for strikeouts in a post-season game. But he should definitely have the record for most strikeouts per pound.)

Okay, this is a long way away, several games anyway, from being reality, but… If the Phillies and Giants meet in the NLCS and Halladay and Lincecum pitch game one, I’m figuring the over-under in Vegas is about one and a half.

(Reader T.C. suggested the over under for Thursday’s game should have been 3 1/2. Actually it was 6, which is low for a major league game, the average is about 8-9. And it didn’t even turn out to be close.)

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Another 1-0 game for the SF Giants Thursday night, this time a win. Between innings the p.a. system played “Living on a prayer.” I think it’s the hitters’ theme -song.

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And sorry if this offends anyone, but the newest t-shirt sold outside A T and T Park tomorrow is likely to be “Tim Lincecum, F*** Yeah.”

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So first Lincecum drops the F-bomb in a postgame interview after the Giants clinch the West, now Jerry Brown is overheard in a conversation where his aide refers to Meg Whitman as a “whore. ”

Wow, athletes and politicians swear. I am shocked, shocked.

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Brown immediately issued an apology to Meg Whitman for the conversation. Now he’s been asked for a second apology, from the Prostitutes Union.

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Actually, at this point I think Californians might cheerfully elect a capable whore. Prostitutes are generally straightforward, actually give value for money, and at least leave people satisfied. (And yes, there are more R and X rated versions of this riff, but I’ll quit while I’m ahead, or rather, behind.)

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Sharron Angle’s pastor, John Reed, has now gone after Harry Reid by saying that because he’s a Mormon, the Senator is a member of a “bizarre cult.”

Hmm, Did Reed forget about that Mitt Romney endorsement?

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Apparently the race between Sharron Angle and Harry Reid in Nevada is too close to call. One poll stated that one in ten “didn’t like either candidate.” Presumably as opposed to nine in ten who can’t stand either candidate.

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In San Francisco, the Liberty and Freedom Foundation put up a Sarah Palin billboard today at the corner of Market and Castro. What’s next, a Christine O’Donnell sign in front of Good Vibrations?

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Don Larsen, who pitched a perfect game in the 1956 World Series, was interviewed today after Roy Halladay’s no-hitter. A little known fact about that game, had Larsen faltered, Jamie Moyer was warming up in the bullpen.

(Actually in all seriousness, add Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey’s ages together, and you only beat Moyer’s age by one)

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While it can be hard to be funny, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to be a comedian. Latest case in point – Ralphie May, arrested for marijuana possession at Guam Airport…. after he went over to pet the drug-sniffing dog.

Baylor’s star guard LaceDarius Dunn was suspended from classes over allegations that he hit his girlfriend during a fight and broke her jaw.

Dunn’s basketball playing friends at other universities were stunned. At Baylor players actually go to class?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Jerry Brown jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, Tim Lincecum jokes

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Welcome to the torture chamber?

October 7, 2010

I am actually carrying such a sign to the Giants-Braves game on Thursday. (Well actually “Atlanta, Welcome to the Torture Chamber.”

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A sign you might be a latecomer to the Giants bandwagon if…. you turn on the TV Thursday night, wonder what the manager’s hippie kid is doing walking on the field, and then realize, it’s SF’s starting pitcher.

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For anyone who is convinced the SF Giants will lose because many of their players, especially the pitchers, don’t have playoff experience – tonight was Roy Halladay’s first postseason appearance.

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Okay SF fans, let’s be honest. If you had to bet on which playoff team would be no-hit in the first round, wouldn’t you have figured it would be the Giants?

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Much discussion in the SF area about whether the Giants will leave Barry Zito off the playoff roster. If they do, Zito and his $126 million contract might become known as the biggest waste of money in recent California history. Well, at least until Meg Whitman is done running for governor.

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For anyone looking for a playoff team to root for, consider the SF Giants. They’re a hardworking, scrappy, entertaining bunch. And besides, if they beat the Braves in the first round they will reduce America’s exposure to the dreaded Tomahawk Chop.

Bud Selig is bragging that that one World Series game, game three, this year will start at 655p, so children on the East Coast might actually be able to stay up and watch most of the game. But it’s the SATURDAY night game. Now, Sunday night, a school night, game four starts at 820p EST.

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Palin’s camp has been criticizing Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller for his tepid comments about her qualifications to run for president in 2012.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: SF Giants jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Beyond the regular season.

October 6, 2010

The Arizona Diamondbacks set a MLB record this year by striking out 1,507 times. That’s about 9 1/2 times PER GAME. On the bright side, the hitters did do their part to reduce the air-conditioning bill and thus carbon footprint at Chase Field.

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Sometimes the best trades are the ones you don’t make. Remember all the SF Giants fans back in July who wanted to swap Jonathan Sanchez for a bat?

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The Angels are out and the Dodgers are out. So this year, it’s not just NFL fans in Los Angeles who won’t see any wins in October.
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Interesting/scary stat of the day, the four highest paid players on the SF Giants’ payroll for 2010 are: Barry Zito $18,5 million, Aaron Rowand $13.6 million, Jose Guillen, $12 million (mostly paid by the Kansas City Royals.) , and Edgar Renteria $10 million. And all of them could, and maybe should, be left off the playoff roster.
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In Alabama, 11 people, including four Alabama state legislators and three lobbyists, were charged in connection with an alleged scheme to bribe legislators for their votes on proposed gambling and entertainment legislation. The arrests were the result of an FBI investigation. Observers in Louisiana had one comment – “Amateurs.”
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In Christine O’Donnell’s first television ad of the general election she states “I am not a witch.” Tranlation, Hogwarts has no record of her attending classes there either.

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Christine O’Donnell said in 2006 that she had secret “classified information” that China was plotting to take over America. If O’Donnell was talking about our economy she was only about 5 years too late.

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After the Giants clinched, SF pitcher Tim Lincecum set off a mini media storm Sunday by dropping the F-bomb while he was being interviewed on the field. Big deal, Mets fans have been dropping the F-bomb all year, watching their team on the field.

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Eliot Spitzer said in an interview with Parade Magazine this weekend that ‘You learn more by losing than by winning.” Which means the Detroit Lions are the smartest team in America.

(feel free to subtitute San Francisco 49ers, Maple Leafs, Chicago Cubs, or your team of choice)

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With the San Francisco 49ers at 0-4, prices for potential PSL’s (Personal Seat Licenses) are going up. If things don’t improve, who knows how much the team will end up having to pay season ticket holders to buy them?

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Michael Vick says he’s going to be out “maybe two weeks.” Wonder how long that is in dog years?

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Christine O'Donnell jokes

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Left Coast Sports Babe