Archive for September 2010

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Classes? Classes? We don’t need no stinkin’ classes.

September 30, 2010

Christine O’Donnell lists both Claremont Graduate University and Oxford University on her resume. But this week both institutions denied she had ever attended their classes. USC is wondering if they can use the same logic with Reggie Bush.

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This week, Jimmy Raye became the fifth 49ers offensive-coordinator fired since QB Alex Smith has been with the club. Isn’t simply blaming the 49ers’ struggles on the latest offensive coordinator kind of like simply blaming Larry King’s latest wife for the failure of their marriage?

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Okay, regarding illegal immigrants, what’s the over-under on what percentage of Californians have hired someone illegal in their lives, either directly or through a contractor? I’m guessing about 90 percent have done so. (Have you hired babysitters, gardeners, contractors, housecleaners.. ? And this doesn’t count second-hand things like having your car washed, eating in restaurants, buying cheap produce.

Not saying it’s avoidable, but hypocrisy is a problem.

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And regarding Meg Whitman’s housekeeper situation: This is one of many reasons why voting and following politics is important. Anyone who paid attention to Nannygate (Bill Clinton losing TWO Attorney General nominees over illegal nannies) in 1993 would have known – check identification for household staff CAREFULLY.

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Tour de France winner Alberto Contador became the latest top cyclist to test possible for a banned drug. He blamed “tainted food.” What, was his team all out of “tainted supplements?”

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‎2009 Horse of the Year Rachel Alexandra will be retired and bred to Curlin, the 2007-08 Horse of the Year. Her owner said it was time to “reward her with a less stressful life.” Only in the equine world would motherhood be viewed as “a less stressful life.”

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Jersey Shore” star Snooki has a book deal. Is this to write one or read one?

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Apparently while Christine O’Donnell says she attended Oxford, it turns out it was a summer program sponsored by the Phoenix Institute, which wasn’t connected with the University. So it’s a stretch to say she studied at Oxford. Of course, George W. Bush did actually attend both Yale and Harvard.

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Justin Bieber is featured on the cover of Teen Vogue, where he is interviewed about how he feels about his fans. One thing he asks those fans – “Don’t come up to me while I’m eating.”

Apparently it’s been a whole year since he was able to finish a whole Happy Meal in peace.

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Robin Williams has come out with an ad-endorsement for Barbara Boxer. Makes sense that comedians are getting involved in this year’s election cycle. Some of the candidates if elected could wind up seriously competing with their acts.
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Thank you, Cubbies.

September 29, 2010

Refrain for all Giants fans for the week: “Okay, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs.’

(for non-baseball fans, the Cubs have just won two in a row from the San Diego Padres, who the Giants are competing with for a playoff berth.)

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Earlier this summer, Giants pitcher Jonathan Sanchez made the mistake of predicting a San Francisco sweep against the Padres, and then went out and lost his start. He has been considerably more circumspect sense.

Meanwhile, last weekend, Padres catcher Yorvit Torrealba put San Diego’s chances of making the playoffs at “300 percent.” Now it definitely could still happen, but if Torrealba doesn’t play winter ball he might want to spend the offseason working on his mouth, and his math skills.

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Here’s an interesting bit of irony. When the San Francisco Giants, plagued by poor attendance and a poor ballpark, almost left SF after the 1992 season, they planned to move to the Tampa-St Petersburg area.

Last night, when the Tampa Bay Rays had a chance to clinch the division, they drew an “official” crowd of 12,446 fans (which looked a lot smaller), and the team is giving away 20,000 unsold tickets for their last regular season home game tomorrow.

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Rays star Evan Longoria was upset about the empty seats, and said publicly that it was embarrassing. If the man ever gets traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers someone better warn him about that third and seventh inning thing.

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Meanwhile, in the college game, the University of California announced it was cutting varsity baseball after 2011, along with rugby and some smaller sports. This will save the cash-strapped university about $4 million a year. $4 million. That’s about what Meg Whitman is spending on ads per week.

Regarding the Cal baseball program, has anyone thought of calling feuding Dodgers owners and soon-to-be-ex-spouses Frank and Jamie McCourt? Here’s their chance to back a genuine amateur team for the fraction of the cost of those boys at Chavez Ravine.
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During their gubernatorial debate, both Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown declined to say there was any benefit to illegal immigration for Californians. But both also said they were open to the idea of a Peripheral Canal idea to transport water in California. Yo, folks, if the state approves such a canal, who do think is going to dig it?

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Meg Whitman was just asked during the debate if she were elected would she work on changing campaign finance laws. Her answer, not immediately. What she means – not until after I’ve been able to buy my re-election.-

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The IRS says so many people are filing tax returns electronically that they will no longer automatically mail a traditional paper form. And we wonder why the Post Office is in trouble.

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Former President Jimmy Carter is apparently resting comfortably in a Cleveland hospital after becoming ill with an upset stomach on a Delta flight from Atlanta. Let’s hope he didn’t accept an invitation to join the pilots in the cockpit for a drink.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Coincidentally, the people who caused the recession are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs.

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Magic numbers?

September 28, 2010

With six games to go, SF Giants magic number is 6. L.A. Dodgers magic number is 18.

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Tonight, temperamental Chicago hurler Carlos Zambrano stepped up big time and the Cubs hung on for a 1-0 win over the San Diego Padres. Grateful Giants fans are considering sacrificing a water cooler in Zambrano’s honor.

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The SF Giants, one of the most “offensively-challenged” teams in baseball, will play the similarly afflicted San Diego Padres this weekend, with the NL Western Division title probably on the line. This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks.

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Sad story about the owner of the Segway company falling off a cliff while riding one of his machines. Sad, really. But I defy anyone to read the story without at least trying to stop giggling.

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Georgia Bulldogs freshman linebacker Demetre Baker, 19, was jailed this weekend in Athens on DUI and underage alcohol possession charges.

This makes him the 10th football player from the University arrested this year. On a brighter note, Georgia announced they officially are now running the NCAA’s best NFL preparedness program.

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For Canadian football fans – The cellar-dwelling Winnipeg Blue Bombers are actually a .500 team at home, but are winless in their six away games. In fact, they might have the worst record on the road since George Michael.

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Braylon Edwards was arrested last week for DUI, with a alleged blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. Jets coach Rex Ryan suspended him for ONE quarter, saying he thought Braylon had “suffered enough.” And Edwards caught a 67-yard touchdown catch that the team beat the Dolphins 31-23 Sunday. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

(If he’d injured or killed someone in an accident wonder if Ryan would have suspended him for a whole half?)
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While Michael Douglas’ sequel to “Wall Street” was the number one movie last week, it still put up disappointing numbers after mostly mediocre reviews. Apparently while “Money Never Sleeps,” the audience might doze off.

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As the Denver Nuggets try to unload a disgruntled Carmelo Anthony, Anthony is perhaps trying to salvage his reputation by insisting, “I’ve never said I wanted to be traded. I never once said anything about trade talk.”

Indeed, a trade means someone else gets to choose. Carmelo just wants to play where HE wants to play. Wonder if he’s already trying working out a deal for an ESPN special.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “Stanford’s FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie.”
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Rough day for the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers. Who’d a thunk that the best football team in California this year might turn out to be Stanford?

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Christine O’Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don’t tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

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Where is Patsy Cline when you need her?

September 26, 2010

But either “Crazy” or “I Fall to Pieces” would be appropriate for more than one candidate this fall.

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Bob Brenley said he has decided not to seek the Cubs managerial job for “personal and professional” reasons. Translation personally, he’s not crazy and professionally, he values his career.

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In the latest Christine O’Donnell clip she calls evolution “a myth” and asks the question: if evolution is real, “why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?”

Well, actually, not only may this be happening, but some of these semi-evolved creatures seem to be running for office.

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Politicians on both sides of the aisle said Sunday that comedian Stephen Colbert’s testimony last week on immigration was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment.”

I guess the only people who are supposed to behave inappropriately and be embarrassing in Congress have to be elected there first.

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UCLA 34 – Texas 12. Texans haven’t been so embarrassed since George W. was president.

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Brett Favre’s Vikings got a monkey off their back with their first win of the year against the Detroit Lions. Now, the next step, seeing if Favre can still play against an NFL caliber team.

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Cal dominated Arizona’s offense for 58 minutes before losing 10 to 9 on a touchdown with a minute left. Just another example of why “prevent defense” is an oxymoron.

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The 49ers are 0-3. Meanwhile, Stanford is 4-0, Andrew Luck is looking like a number one draft pick if he comes out early, and Jim Harbaugh is looking like a mad genius.

Wonder if those two could be reunited at Candletstick park next year?

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Allegations of the Rockies using non-humidor baseballs when batting picked up steam Friday when lip readers caught Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum mouthing “‘blanking’ juiced balls.”
Colorado has denied the rumors, citing “their respect for the integrity of the game.””Right,” commented, among others, Gaylord Perry and Derek Jeter.

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The once and future King?

September 24, 2010

Larry King visited the set of SNL this week and apparently asked about being a guest host. While they were intrigued, the show’s producers said they were actually moving more in the direction of younger trendy hosts like Betty White.

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Katy Perry was bounced off Sesame Street for being too slutty. This is not good for Miss Piggy.

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All this talk from Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman about what they’ll do if elected. But what about the issue that seems to be uppermost on Californians minds- do either of them have a plan to fix Lindsay Lohan?

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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The San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff has now allowed 3 runs or fewer in 18 straight games, a modern day record, eclipsed only by the dead ball era – 1916 NY Giants and the 1917 Chicago White Sox.

Even more amazing, Giants pitchers are doing it without benefit of pitching against their own lineup.

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First a little background on the next thought. At Coors Field the Rockies some years back started putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars, to make them moister and heavier. This after years of softball scores. The humidor works as the moist balls are heavier and don’t fly off the bat like a normal baseball left out in the dry mile-high air.

All well and good, but in the past few years, the Rockies have been putting up incredible numbers at home, especially in September. And one theory, which I subscribe to, is that just maybe they are putting some of those dried-out balls into the game, particularly late or when they are behind.

One Rockies spokesman said it wouldn’t happen due to the “integrity of the game,” (right, baseball has the longest history of cheating of maybe any major sport, from stealing signs to corked bats to pretending to be hit by a pitch.)

Anyway, my son told me tonight that there was video of Tim Lincecum asking for a new baseball and his lips clearly said “blanking juiced ball.”

Of course, it could be his imagination. And baseball is a mind game. Or maybe not.

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Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O’Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won’t hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent.

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Carly Fiorina’s latest commercial is all about Barbara Boxer asking a general to call her “Senator” rather than “M’am” during a congressional hearing. Good to see Fiorina is really focused on the crucial issues facing California.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the idea of Sarah Palin being elected president (Hey, who thought W. could ever be elected…) But if it happened, which 2 years of her term would she choose to serve

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A woman in Montana got a bear to run out of her garden by throwing zucchini at the animal. Assume the bear was a teenager. (Although personally I avoid zucchini myself.

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Outages?

September 24, 2010

To anyone who saw the SF Giants Chicago Cubs score tonight. It was not a transmission problem, please do not adjust your set.

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The final score 13-0. How bad was it? My twisted friend Ben Burnett said many Cubs fans were feeling guilty, secretly hoping that the would-be bomber would return.

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On the other hand, Facebook had outages all day. The horror. Millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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And as Alex Kaseberg noted, Christine O’Donnell was very upset over Mafia Wars being down. Millions of people were forced to whack themselves.

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Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons fell off a horse and will need surgery for a broken pelvis. But he also apparently will make a full recovery and is “alert and coherent.” Many Nevada voters from both parties are now urging Sharron Angle to go horseback riding
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How can any comedy writer hope to compete with this? Sarah Palin on running for president -“If nobody else wanted to step up, I would offer myself up in the name of service to the public. I don’t need the title, I don’t need — for any kind of self-gratification, any personal power seeking of my own — to run for office,”

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Turns out San Francisco 49ers and Giants fans have something in common. They both root for teams who do all their scoring once a week.

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Seriously, why the SF Giants should make the playoffs – their pitching staff now holds the modern day (since 1920) record for 17 consecutive starts holding the opponents to 3 or less runs. Why they may not make the playoffs. the team has lost 6 of those 17 starts.

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Don Nelson is stepping down as coach of the Warriors. Although many frustrated Golden State fans will tell you he hasn’t been actually coaching the team for years.

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Katy Perry sang her version of “Hot N Cold” for Sesame Street. But the show’s producers decided her bustier was too revealing and pulled the segment before it aired.

Too bad, no doubt millions of kids would have never forgotten “B is for Boobjob.”

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Winners and losers.

September 23, 2010

So Michael Vick will be the starting quarterback this Sunday for the Eagles. Well, Philly fans are famous for once booing Santa Claus, but whatever happens this week at least they won’t be able to say their team has gone to the dogs.

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KFC is going to pay female college students to wear fitted sweatpants with ads for “Double Down” on their rear ends. Maybe this is a bit unclear on the concept; “Double Down” is KFC’s bunless sandwich.

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What’s the subtitle on this ad campaign. If the wording is readable, either you’re “too damn close,” or the wearer has had a few too many Double Downs?
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Starbucks is apparently hiking prices on some of their fancier drinks due to the soaring price of coffee. (The basic “tall” regular coffee price will remain unchanged.) Are they just a bit unclear on the concept? The fanciest mixed drinks probably have the smallest percentage of actual coffee.

Getting pretty tired of this headline – “(fill in name of journeyman pitcher) shuts out SF Giants in best pitching start of year.”

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A little more salt in the wound for all those SF Giants fans (like me) who haven’t gotten over the Joe Nathan for A.J. Pierzynski trade. A throw-in in that trade, Francisco Liriano, is now is 14-8 with a 3.44 ERA, and will be starting game one of the playoffs for the Twins.
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But it could be worse: Hard to believe that a month ago the St. Louis Cardinals looked like a lock for the postseason. Now they’re eight games behind the Reds and well out of the wild card picture. Manager Tony LaRussa’s popularity has fallen faster than anyone who hasn’t taken their talents to South Beach.

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Travel rant and there ought to be a law department: Three clients forwarded me a triple miles special offer from United Airlines today between LA or SF and JFK between now and the end of 2010.

Just one catch, the lowest “qualifying” fare is $1573 roundtrip, when United’s fares in those markets start under $300 roundtrip

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Sarah Palin has a new video advertisement promoting herself as a leader of the Tea Party movement. Actually, I think she is really a leader of the Sarah Palin movement.-

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A long-time cocaine smuggling ring was apparently broken up when one of the participants ended up having to check his carry-on bag, containing 41 pounds of cocaine, with Southwest Airlines and the airline temporarily misplaced the bag.

No word on what tipped DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officials off, but the gentleman in question is now in custody. He also now may have the record for the most expensive free checked bag in history.

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A Florida appeals court struck down the state’s ban on gay couples adopting children. The Department of Children and Familes had argued that there was “a rational basis for the prohibition on homosexual adoption because children will have better role models” with a father and mother in the picture.

Right, I would like to see some explain how a long-married gay couple could be worse role models for children than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. (Or for that matter, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline… Or Jon and Kate.)

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Losing records.

September 22, 2010

Joe Torre apologized today for remarks indicating he might be interested in going back to New York :”It certainly wasn’t my intention of doing that and making people believe that I wanted to manage the Mets.”

Well, makes sense, if for no other reason than Torre doesn’t want other potential employers to question his sanity.

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New York manager Jerry Manuel had been upset about Joe Torre’s comment that he was “curious” about the Mets job, saying “I find it also curious when someone comments about a job that someone already has.”

Yeah, but considering that New York has the fifth highest payroll at $132 million and is in fourth place in their division, there is some question as to whether the someone who has the job is actually doing it.

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Houston Texans LT Duane Brown became the latest NFL player suspended for Performance Enhancing Drugs. And of course, he blamed a tainted supplement. At least Paris Hilton was original enough to come up with the gum excuse.

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After the 49ers loss to the New Orleans Saints by a last second field goal, many in the San Francisco media are loving to talk about the “moral victory.”

“Moral victory?” Who do they think Northern Californians are, Cubs fans?

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Meanwhile, Giants 1, Cubs 0. Just another offensive explosion for San Francisco.

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The Cubs, btw, have a $146 million payroll, and as of today 68 wins, which means they are about to come in at about $2 million a win. Making them just about the team equivalent to Barry Zito.

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A man was arrested allegedly for trying to plant a bomb near Wrigley Field. I suppose it’s some comfort to know at least that he wasn’t targeting the World Series.

(Or as Alex Kaseberg added, “I thought the Cubs were the biggest bomb at Wrigley Field.)

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There are rumors Facebook may come out with a cellphone. If so, it might be the first smartphone without a voice app.
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Apparently Cher is leaving Las Vegas next February and Celine Dion is returning to take her place. Wait, didn’t the U.S. sign a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Lisa Murowski, who lost the Republican Primary as a sitting senator, has the following line in a television ad about her write-in candidacy:

“Alaskans have spoken, they cannot accept the extreme views of Joe Miller nor the inexperience of (Democrat) Scott McAdams.”

(Well actually, based on the votes in the primary, Senator Murkowski, Alaskans have spoken, and they don’t want you.)

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A joint joke with my funny friend Jerry Perisho,

NFL star Reggie Bush broke his leg during Monday night’s game. Out of habit, he sent his copy of the x-rays back to the doctor.

Bush also said the crutches were not an admission that the leg was broken.
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Further regarding Bush’s statement about returning the Heisman not being an admission of guilt: Right, and Larry Craig’s pleading guilty was not an admission he was gay.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle suggested on Monday that she’d prefer free-market remedies to a legislative mandate that insurance companies be required to cover people with pre-existing condition. Uh, haven’t we been trying “free-market remedies” up until this point. Didn’t appear they were working.

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Payouts and payback

September 21, 2010

Apparently Los Angeles created only 55 jobs with $110 million in stimulus money. Big deal, Meg Whitman is trying to create only one job with $150 million of her own money.

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Actual verbatim headline on SI.Com after tonights 49ers-Saints game. “Bush on crutches after injurying leg in fourth quarter.”

Is there something about the name “Bush” that is incompatible with the English language?

(Michael Duca’s response, “Men can’t think properly in the presence of the word.)

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Here’s hoping Reggie Bush’s injury isn’t career ending, but for all those who talk about “God’s Will,” maybe God thought it was time for a little karmic payback after all the media fawning over Bush’s “doing the right thing” regarding returning the Heisman?
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Christine O’Donnell now says if she WERE a witch, Karl Rove would be a supporter of hers. No, if she was really a witch, those clips would have vaporized, and Bill Maher would be living on a lilypad in a pond.

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Ohio University has apologized to Ohio State and its fans after the school’s Bobcat mascot tackled the Buckeye’s Brutus mascot. Meanwhile, after the school’s 43-7 loss to OSU, Ohio coach Frank Solich has recruited the Bobcat to play defense.
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Watching Brett Favre being interviewed yesterday after the Vikings loss, seemed like both he and Lindsay Lohan have a problem in knowing when to quit.

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Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it’s not a glamorous life being a single mother.

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New York Republican candidate Carl Paladino, said recently that Manhattan is “home to smug, self-important, pampered liberal elitists.”

Not necessarily true, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx.

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Meanwhile, in California, Meg Whitman is continuing her campaign to win the vote of all smug, self-important pampered conservative elitists.

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Former CEO Mark Hurd has reached an agreement with HP to settle their lawsuit. Hurd will give up the stock portion of his severance and HP will “allow” him to work for Oracle. So he will only get $12 million cash severance and a new $11 million a year package at Oracle. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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Maybe he wasn’t ready for some football?

September 20, 2010

Four turnovers for Brett Favre today in Minnesota. At this rate he’ll be the first player in in the NFL to have his age be a higher number than his quarterback rating.

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The Vikings, however, have a plan for next weekend. Any defensive linemen or linebackers who get close to Favre will be charged with elder abuse.

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Meanwhile, the Dallas Cowboys are 0-2. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one outside the state of Texas.

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And better or worse news, depending on whether or not you live in Texas – Isn’t letting Jay Cutler throw three touchdowns with no interceptions kind of the NFL equivalent of being a major college program beaten by a FCS (Division 1-AA) team?

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One consolation for Redskins fans after their overtime loss to the Texans Sunday. Based on watching Oakland’s first two games, keeping Jason Campbell would have meant Washington would have lost before the game ever got close to overtime.
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Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio suffered a mlld heart attack in the morning only hours after his gutsy fake field goal call led to a Spartans win over the Fighting Irish. Notre Dame sent flowers, well-wishes and a suggestion that next year that Dantonio not stress himself and turn play-callling over to his staff. .
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One of those warm and fuzzy statistics…. the Florida Gators’ 31 points against Tennessee on Saturday exactly matched the total of players arrested since Urban Meyer began coaching the team in 2005. (The latest, Chris Rainey, who sent his girlfriend a “Time to Die” text. He is temporarily suspended, but maybe not for the Alabama game.)

Fox is starting their commercials for the Major League Baseball postseason. Fans who have only been watching the Fox game of the week will be shocked to find out there will be no Yankees-Red Sox matchups.
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Not that I ever feel that sorry for a major network. But week 2 of the NFL season, all kinds of fascinating story lines along with baseball pennant races, and ESPN had to hold Sportscenter until after the meaningless Tigers-White Sox game. Which ended at 1224a Eastern Time after 11 innings.

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During the past eight games, the SF Giants have had six games where they scored a total of seven runs, and two games where they scored a total of 19 runs. So far. Can a batting lineup officially be diagnosed as schizophrenic?

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Lisa Murkowski says running as a write-in candidate after losing in the Republican primary is justified because she was the victim of a “smear” campaign. So when did Alaska become the nation’s number one whine producing state?

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Jon Stewart has announced a “March to Restore Sanity” in Washington, D.C. Some say he is a dream, but hey, it might be easier than restoring a winning record to the Redskins.

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Colin Powell says he’s hired illegal immigrants at his home, adding that he thinks they do thing like repairs at most people’s homes. Well, at least he’s honest about it. Mitt Romney fired his gardening crew when it was revealed many of them were illegals, but the same thing turned out to be true with a replacement crew.

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And for what it’s worth, anyone who is REALLY concerned about illegal workers can of course look for bonded cleaning services , union contractors and licensed babysitters. Not to mention get all their produce from boutique farmers, etc. And probably eat at home, because you never know who’s washing your dishes.

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Is she a good witch, or a bad witch?

September 19, 2010

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said on Bill Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” show in 1999 that she had “dabbled in witchcraft.” Hmm, maybe now we know how she came out of nowhere to win the Republican primary.

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So much for all those Republicans who thought the only politician who rode around on a broom was Hillary Clinton.

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And you have to wonder, Maher says he has more clips from the show, which he will show unless O’Donnell agrees to come back on this year.

So if “witchcraft” was the first clip he released….what’s he saving for later?

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Lindsay Lohan failed at least one drug test this week. Now, clearly the woman is an addict, but with as much money as she has to afford help and support, and KNOWING she is tested daily, at some point isn’t a failed drug test a failed IQ test?

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Congrats to C.C. Sabathia, the first pitcher in the majors to win 20 games. He attributes it to hard work, throwing strikes and being supported by the Yankees lineup.

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Hollywood columnist James Bacon, 96, died today after a 75 year career. He might have been the last person who remembered what Joan Rivers’ real face actually looked like.

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The Cal Bears scheduled an early season football game with WAC member Nevada, hoping that a lopsided win would offset playing such a weak opponent in the polls. The result, a 52-31 LOSS to the Wolfpack in Reno. Just goes to show, it’s never that smart an idea to gamble in Nevada.

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So Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would abide by the will of the voters if she lost the Republican primary, has changed her mind and will run as a write-in candidate. What is it up in Alaska that no one thinks the regular rules about when to leave office or quit apply to them?

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Hua Mei, the first giant panda born in the United States (at the San Diego Zoo.), is back in China where she has now given birth to her eighth cub. Wonder if “Hua Mei” translates to “Octopanda?”

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Stanford 68 – Wake Forest 24. Well, looks like San Francisco Bay Area football fans have at least one professional looking offense to watch this season.

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Although to be fair, Wake Forest also gave up 48 points in a 52-48 win over Duke last week. Fans in North Carolina haven’t been this disappointed by scoring since John Edwards annnounced he had fathered a “love child.”

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Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010

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With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

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San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.

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On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.

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But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.
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There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team

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Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”

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Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

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On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

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Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

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After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.

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One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.

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from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

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Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.

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The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.

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For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!
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Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

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A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.

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Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?

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And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?

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According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.

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From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

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No joking matter?

September 16, 2010

The following picture was banned in England as potentially being offensive to Catholics, But it’s been running in Italy. Well, at least one country still has a sense of humor about religion.

The San Francisco Giants played three of their last five games to a 1-0 final score. And Wednesday night’s game ended up 2-1. At this rate the Giants may not make the playoffs, but they will be the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

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Meanwhile, in Atlanta, fans are shaking their heads at the team’s recent collapse, including two straight losses to the Washington Nationals. Normally the Braves don’t choke like this until they are in the playoffs.

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The New York Times is reporting that a large number of criminals lately have been commiting their crimes while wearing Yankees caps or clothing. Well, duh, for many fans it’s the only way they can pay for tickets.

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The Heisman Trust decided there will officially be no winner for the 2005 Heisman trophy after Reggie Bush returned the award. One possible translation, they aren’t positive there was any other player that year who was completely clean.

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For travel starting November first, passengers will be required to give their date of birth when making flight reservations. You know what that means, half the women in Hollywood will quit flying.
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Christine O’Donnell won the Republican primary for Senate in Delaware with only 30,651. What’s more astonishing, that it only takes that many votes to win a Senate primary. Or that 30,651 people actually voted for her?

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O’Donnell has actually said that masturbation is really just the same as adultery. Now, if she’d only reversed the simile, she might get more support from politicians on both sides of the aisle.

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Jennifer Lopez has signed a contract to judge American Idol. Now here’s one judge where the men at least in the audience will never care if she gets a little behind in her work.

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Or a crasser version, so much for those who figured that Simon Cowell’s departure meant the show would be missing a big ass.

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from T.C. “The NFL labor dispute is predicted to have play halted for the 2011 season. After week 1, it appears the Jets, Cowboys, Oakland & SF are already a year ahead of schedule.”

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By comparison..

September 15, 2010

Bill Clinton says a lot of the GOP candidates this year make George W. Bush look like a liberal. A liberal? Heck, a lot of them make W. look like an intellectual.

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Christine O’Donnell, who won the Republican primary in Delaware, has talked about enemies, (both Democrats and Republicans) who follow her and hide in her bushes,” making it necessary for her to have a second secret real address. Christine also said she would like to have the endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

Well, O’Donnell does believe in a vast left, right and center-wing conspiracy.

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Reggie Bush basically gave back his Heisman because he wasn’t in compliance with NCAA rules at the time he won it. Looking at all the past winners from Florida, Miami, Florida State, Texas, etc… if that’s the standard, the Heisman trust had better clean out a storeroom for used trophies.

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Another thought regarding Bush giving up his Heisman: considering all the other recipients from schools with less than squeaky-clean programs (Vinny Testaverde from Miami, for example), not to mention the various infractions from other winners, why don’t they just slap an asterisk on the trophy and be done with it?

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From Gary Morton on the same subject — Within a couple of months, Reggie Bush has lost a Heisman and a Kardashian. One has a hand-made, bronze bust, and the other…ok, ok, they both do.
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With the depressed economic situation in Ohio, Senator Sherrod Brown is trying to get the NFL to lift the blackout rule so people can watch the Bengals and Browns home games on TV. But really, haven’t Ohioans suffered enough?

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Apparently the FCS (former Division 1-AA) has a .091 winning percent against the FBC (former Division 1-A) so far this college football season. Six wins out of 148 games.

Hey, it’s a higher winning percentage so far than the 49ers or Raiders.

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The game that might end up the most fun for those who love to do the chain of wins game was North Dakota State 6, Kansas 3. Because Kansas has already upset No. 15 Georgia Tech. So if Georgia Tech upsets someone, and that someone only has one loss….well you get the picture. North Dakota State could lay claim to being National Champions.

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TMF?

September 14, 2010

So when did MNF become TMF? (Tuesday Morning Football)

Or in the case of many football widows and widowers after an opening weekend that started Thursday – Too much football?

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San Diego-Kansas City. In Kansas City in the rain. 120a finish on the East Coast. And they were only six yards away from overtime.

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Coach Rex Ryan has referred to the “Soon-to-be-Super-Bowl-Champion” New York Jets. Anyone want to lay odds on what happens first? The Jets winning another Super Bowl or Brett Favre retiring?

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All this money Meg Whitman is spending to try to become governor of California…. Maybe instead of ads, she’d have better luck if she spent the money to buy and improve the 49ers or Raiders.

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And regarding those ads, Whitman is spending millions on one anti-Jerry Brown ad focused on a claim Bill Clinton made in a 1992 televised debate. Now, I voted for Clinton twice, but if Whitman had paid any attention to politics in the past, she might have realized that as far as telling the truth in front of a camera, Bill is hardly an “un-impeachable source.”

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This may be an unpopular position amongst women, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending neanderthals (New York Jets). But Ines Sainz would project a more professional image for a sports reporter by not wearing skintight jeans and halter tops to work.

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On the other hand, the incident was the most embarassing thing to happen to the Jets this week, until they actually played a game.
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The silver lining of the Ines Sainz story, if a member of the media has to wear skintight jeans on the sidelines, at least it’s not John Madden.

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I’m not a USC fan by any means, but…

Making Reggie Bush out to be the only Heisman winner who ever took money and gifts in college feels a lot like making Barry Bonds out to be the only home run hitter who ever used performance enhancing drugs.

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Love this story from the Los Angeles Times. Apparently after UCLA’s 35-0 loss to Stanford, coach Rick Neuheisel still tried to give his post-game pep talk to fans left in the stands. Not only was he booed, one fan yelled “Stop talking and win a game.”

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Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell said that President Obama’s plan to eliminate tax cuts for those in the highest brackets would hurt “the people who’ve been hit hardest by this recession.” Indeed, some of them have had to fly commercial, or horror of horrors, coach.

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And how can I top this, Hans Zieger, a candidate for the state legislature in Washington wrote this for a conservative website (which has now been picked up by the SF Chronicle and a number of other sites.)

It’s enough to make you toss your cookies.

“One might wonder why the Girl Scouts have been spared the painful attacks that have been launched upon the Boy Scouts by the Left in recent years. The reasons are simple: the Girl Scouts allow homosexuals and atheists to join their ranks, and they have become a pro-abortion, feminist training corps. … If the Girl Scouts of America can’t get back to teaching real character, perhaps it will be time to look for our cookies elsewhere.”

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Week one – weak one?

September 13, 2010

There were a few things that most the country could be happy about after one week of the NFL season – For starters, we won’t have to hear about the Colts’ pursuit of perfection, again.

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Anyone want to start a pool on the over-under for the first week that T.O. will start complaining about Carson Palmer?

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T.O. and Ochocinco posed as Batman and Robin for a photo shoot with the Cincinnati Enquirer. I don’t know, after week one seems like the same old Jokers to me.

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Meanwhile in Oakland they’re hoping that Jason Campbell isn’t just JaMarcus Russell without the bling.

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Wacky prediction, but I’m serious. Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s next job — maybe in 2012? Coach of the San Francisco 49ers. Hey, at least he’s proven he can beat a team coached by Pete Carroll.

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Starbucks is taking some heat from conspiracy theorists, because some of their newly redone drive-thru menu boards list Grande (16 oz.) and Venti (20 oz.) sized beverages. But not the smaller Tall (12 oz) drinks, which are still for sale. (Along with the by request only Short (8 oz.).

The company responds that customers requested easier to read boards and that the “Tall” drinks weren’t selling that well. Makes sense, if you need coffee before you get out of the car, smaller probably isn’t going to do it.

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But speaking of conspiracy theories, the Colorado Rockies had an almost perfect September in 2009, and they just completed a perfect homestand. Isn’t it about time Selig sent someone to see what’s up with that humidor?

(Explanation of the above for non-baseball junkies. When Coors Field opened, baseballs flew out of the park like it was a little league diamond because of the high-altitude.) After a number of losing seasons, and discovering no pitchers would sign with the team – altitude also means pitches won’t move like they do at sea-level, the team came up with the idea of putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars. The “humidified” or “wet” baseballs behaved much more normally and the run totals went down.

Now, the Rockies have been coming up with all kind of late inning wins at home, and of course it could be just another magical run. But it wouldn’t be that hard to toss in some “dry” balls in the home half of the inning.)

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Meanwhile, up in Alaska, it looks like Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would support the Tea Party nominee who won the Republican primary, now will run as a independent in November.

What is it up there in our 49th state. Either they don’t know when to quit, or they don’t know when to finish their job?

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Newt Gingrich said of Barack Obama, that the president has a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview. Now, I’m not sure what a “Kenyan” worldview is, but isn’t “anti-colonial” what our founding fathers were up to in 1776?

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Inspired by Gary Morton. The humiliated Virginia Tech football program vowed it won’t happen again, next year they’re scheduling Boise Community College and Dollie Madison.
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(bit of trivia, Boise State was actually founded in 1932 as Boise Junior College. Don’t tell the BCS.)

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Embarrassments?

September 12, 2010

Stanford 35, UCLA 0. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen in Los Angeles since the Dodgers.

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Good news from Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida, and the “Dove World Outreach Church.”)

On September 11, nothing got burned except USF’s secondary (The Gators won 38-14), and Penn State women’s volleyball 109 consecutive match winning streak. (Stanford beat them in 3 sets.)

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Meanwhile, the Vatican issued a message calling for Catholics worldwide to show love and tolerance. Except pertaining to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

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Congrats to Quarterback Denard Robinson, who broke the school record with 502 total yards today in Michigan’s 28-24 win over Notre Dame. It takes a special talent to overcome the coaching abilities of Rich Rodriguez.

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Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl got fined $1.5 million for making misleading statements to the university amidst an NCAA investigation.

Guess Tennessee can use the money to help pick up the pieces left by football coach Lane Kiffin – who misled the university, and got the team under an NCAA investigation. And got rewarded with a new contract at USC.

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The USA basketball team has quietly made it to the FIBA World Basketball Championships, without much fanfare or high ratings back home in America.

So much for all those who said that Americans didn’t care about the World Cup because it wasn’t our sport. We don’t care about any sport unless it’s the NFL, NBA, or maybe Major League Baseball.

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Pat Riley is complaining already about those who have made personal attacks against players on the Miami Heat. And really, what have any members of the team done to warrant any unwanted special attention this summer?

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Alabama 24, Penn State 3. Joe Paterno is about to discover one of the only good thing about being 84 years old. He may not remember this game in the morning.
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Shocking upset of the day, Virginia Tech lost today to James Madison. The biggest shock to most sports fans, that James Madison HAS a football team.

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Meg Whitman has been running ads saying she’s the only “fiscally responsible” candidate for Governor in California. And she’ll spent as many millions as it takes to get that message out.

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Question of the day. At an event with Glenn Beck in Anchorage, Sarah Palin asked the crowd “What would we do without Fox News?”

Any readers want to answer that question? (Keep it PG-13, please.)

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September 11

September 11, 2010

We can’t ever laugh about September 11. But being able to laugh in spite of September 11 is one of the things that makes us American.

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All about the marketing?

September 11, 2010

Now that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has been declared unconstitutional, there are rumors that the Army may change its slogan – from “Army Strong,” to “Army Fabulous.”

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KFC has decided to try to “regain prestige” with a marketing campaign to remind consumers about their original founder, Colonel Sanders. (Who was a real person.)

Here’s a free tip for the beleaguered fast foot chain. If you are really going for the “prestige” brand image, maybe it’s not a good idea to introduce a “Double Down” sandwich that is simply two pieces of fried chicken with bacon and cheese inside?

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Coffee futures have soared 44% since June. Starbucks has announced they will be sensitive to the economy, however, and offer their customers very low mortgage rates on lattes

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Neither the Saints nor the Vikings had great games on offense in their season opener. But one major requirement for being a great NFL quarterback is a short memory. At this point, Brett Favre has that down cold.

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Former West Virginia and Miami Dolphins Quarterback Pat White signed today with the Kansas City Royals, even though he hasn’t played baseball since he graduated from high school in 2004.

Apparently White, while he had a great football career, always wanted to be on a Major League Baseball roster. And failing that, he’d be happy to play for the Royals.

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Angelina Jolie said in an interview with CNN that she doesn’t have a lot of friends, and Brad is the only person she can talk to. Really? Cant imagine why women, especially other young married women, wouldn’t feel comfortable with her around.

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Carly Fiorina, speaking to Tea Party supporters today, slammed Barbara Boxer for asking a general to call her “Senator” instead of “Ma’am.” Well, I suppose better to focus on something important like that rather than slamming California’s “excessive regulations” on the day after a tragedy caused by a gas main explosion.

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News story from Texas: A mother was angry at a group of seventh grade girls celebrating a blow-out win over her daughter’s middle-school volleyball team. So she pulled a gun on them while they were celebrating in the parking lot… The celebration ended fast and the girls fled. Even in Florida they are saying, “These people are nuts.”

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From Marc Ragovin.

In a self-prepared report, BP has exonerated itself of liability for the Gulf oil spill, while pointing the fnger at everyone else involved in the rig’s construction. That’s like the owners of the Titanic blaming water for freezing at 32 degrees.

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