Posted tagged ‘World Cup jokes’

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Heading towards the July 5th weekend…

July 2, 2010

President Obama ordered flags at federal offices to be flown at half staff for Robert Byrd. And to make the honor more fitting for the longest-serving U.S. Senator, Obama has also asked that the ones be used with 13 stars on them.

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Senator Byrd’s body is lying in repose in the Capitol Rotunda, after a public procession through the streets of Washington, D.C. The elegant horse-drawn carriage did of course travel the entire way with its left blinker on.
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There’s about as much chance of hearing anything new and interesting at the Elena Kagan hearings as there is of watching a high scoring World Cup match this weekend.

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When former President George W. Bush was asked if he thought Elena Kagan was qualified to sit on the Supreme Court, he allegedly responded. “Well, I’m not sure about the Court, but I’m impressed that as a lady she built such a successful chain of auto parts stores.”

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Is it just me, or is it somehow easier to imagine Sarah Palin as President than to imagine Al Gore as a “crazed sex poodle?”

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And somewhere Bill Clinton is thinking “Crazed sex poodle, Hey, that’s MY job.”

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And why airlines get a bad reputation. American Airlines is touting the fact that they are upgrading their 737s, with a spokesman saying they are “reinvesting in their product and services to enhance the travel experience for our loyal customers.”

It’s true, they are putting in new seats, data ports, larger overhead bins, and new entertainment systems. And oh yeah, 12 more seats in every plane, an average of an inch of legroom less per passenger.

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The Red Sox just placed Jason Varitek on the disabled list, joining Victor Martinez, Dustin Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Lowell, Jeremy Hermida and Jed Lowrie. New Boston motto? “Survivor – Fenway.”

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According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, Mike Garrett, USC athletic director, made more than $1-million in 2008-9 while his Trojans were under investigation by the NCAA. But give the guy a break, the school probably has players who made more than that.

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For Canadian readers, Happy Belated Canada Day. Why Canadian men like Canada Day better than U.S. men like the 4th of July? It’s not all about the family picnics and BBQs – in Canada today is the opening of Football season.

From reader Gary Morton regarding that $750 million Tiger is reputedly paying Elin. “$750-million? Tiger just became Sweden’s top gross national product.”
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And from Bill Littlejohn, especially maybe for San Francisco Giants fans who remember days when their team had an offense – “Luke Scott of the Orioles is on the DH after he pulled a hamstring during a home run trot.They’re referring to his trot as ‘Dumb Flap Down'”

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Stiff upper lip?

June 30, 2010

A new study indicates that Botox may not only paralyze facial muscles, it may actually hinder “emotional processing,” because those muscles help the brain process information. Which could explain why Nancy Pelosi never seems stressed.

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Who’d a thunk it? Larry King is going to retire before Brett Favre.
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Yeah, penalty kicks after a 0-0 tie are exciting. But for a casual soccer fan in terms of payoff to total time expended watching the match, it’s kind of like being being an action movie fan who hates romantic dramas, waiting through 2 1/2 hours of Titanic to watch the boat sink.

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Silver lining to the U.S. meltdown at Wimbledon….doesn’t look like Americans will have to work on their bows and curtsies if the Queen returns for the trophy presentations.

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And let’s see, the U.S. is out of the World Cup, mostly out of Wimbledon, Tiger Woods isn’t in a major this weekend and it’s too early to think about baseball pennant races. So this Fourth of July weekend a common refrain could be “Hey, honey, you always are so accommodating about what I want to do, let’s say we go shopping.”

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Two major baserunning errors by Pablo Sandoval in two days, each costing the San Francisco Giants at least a run. This is not exactly what the Giants were hoping for in terms of Pandamonium.
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Congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks, for winning the College World Series. Everyone at the University is thrilled, except for football coach Steve Spurrier, who is trying to figure out a way to claim part of the credit.

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Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson was arrested Tuesday and charged with misdemeanor assault after a bar altercation last month. Well, the preseason hasn’t even started yet and already the Bengals look to be in midseason form.

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Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist after the Lakers won the championship. If the Bengals ever get it together to win a Super Bowl, wonder how many of them will thank their parole officers?

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Yet another example of why translation software is not perfect. This is an actual quote from the website of the deluxe Royal Plaza hotel in Singapore, about their award-winning dinner buffet restaurant –

“Be mesmerized by the enormous spread of seafood and expect succulent and tender flesh. ”

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A lot of the GOP’s questioning of Elena Kagan seems to revolve around whether or she can be “impartial.” Somehow I missed the part when they used this line of questioning on Justices Roberts and Alito.

(Whatever happened to “elections have consequences?”)

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New oxymoron : SF Giants situational hitting

June 29, 2010

The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.”

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Seriously, that moment in a game when you either get up and go to the concession stand, or if at home to the kitchen, because you just KNOW you’re not going to miss anything… Now, as a SF Giants fan I don’t want to be too greedy. On the other hand those moments should not be when “your” team puts runners on first and third with nobody out…

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Some San Francisco 49ers fans are worried because their former top personnel executive, Scot McCloughan, is now working for the Seattle Seahawks for seven whole days, and they are worried about him giving away valuable secrets.

Note to fans, have you seen the 49ers’ record the past few years? There are no valuable secrets.

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Now that the USA is out, heard at office water coolers across America. “Anyone hear who won this morning’s World Cup match? Yeah, me neither.”

Now FIFA is finding out what the PGA world is like without Tiger Woods.

(actually, as a reader pointed out, FIFA is fine. The way I should have written this, now in the US, ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods.)
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R.I.P. Senator Robert Byrd, who died today at the age of 92. Although a Democrat, he was popular with members of both parties. John McCain especially liked that Byrd referred to him as “that nice young man.”

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The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the “Christian Legal Society,” which bars gays from joining, but had sued Hastings law school to get funding and recognition. Justice Alito, dissenting, said it was a “serious setback for freedom of expression.” Wonder if he would have said the same thing had it been, say, a “Witches Legal Society.”

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Joe Biden is being criticized for calling the manager of a Wisconsin frozen custard shop a smarta**. So would it have been better if he used the same language as our former V.P. and told the guy to f*** himself?

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And while we are using asterisks. Does FIFA really stand for “Feigning Indignation, F**ked Again?”

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Regarding all those World Cup flops. Not like U.S. sports fans aren’t used to flopping in the NBA, and players trying to draw penalties in the NFL. Not to mention all the games baseball players play. But this is enough to make fans long for the purity and honesty of professional wrestling.

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So that World Cup loss was heartbreaking. When does NFL preseason start?

June 28, 2010

Actually, for U.S. sports fans in limbo, the Canadian Football League starts July 1.

And for those unfamilar with the CFL, they play a high-scoring, three-down, entertaining form of the game. Without vuvuzelas. And the talent level isn’t bad. So far no team has stooped low enough to try to sign JaMarcus Russell.

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So give FIFA and its World Cup some credit. Here’s a sport no one paid attention to in the U.S. a few weeks ago, and now their officiating mistakes are making American sports fans forget about Jim Joyce.

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What’s the difference between the U.S. and England soccer teams? In the end, about 24 hours.

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Now that the ageless Jamie Moyer has broken MLB’s all time record for home runs allowed, he is dealing with a number of jokes about him having given up one of those home runs to Babe Ruth. “Not true,” said Moyer, “The Babe couldn’t hit me.”

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Three UCLA football players were arrested this week for allegedly stealing a fellow student’s purse. Stealing a purse? Come on. Guess they should have gone to USC where they would have been paid better.

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In the Giants-Red Sox series this weekend in San Francisco, Boston lost Dustin Pedroia to a broken toe, and Victor Martinez to a fractured thumb. Plus Saturday starter Clay Buckholz hyper-extended his knee. So the real winner of the series? The New York Yankees.

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According to his daughter, former Vice President Dick Cheney is feeling much better after being treated for pain and a fluid build-up related to his heart condition. But ever vigilant against waste, Cheney wants to have the hospital save the fluid for possible future water-boarding.

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There’s no word on what precipitated the medical issue that sent Cheney back to the hospital, though doctors think it could have been a traumatic event. Like a drop in oil prices.

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From my extremely funny friend Jerry Perisho

“LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was spotted in South Africa taking in some of the World Cup games. Either that or his wife insisted he buy her a diamond mine.”

Jerry also said that at the global economic summit was in Toronto, in honor of former Pres. George W. Bush, when the moderator opened with “Welcome to the G-20”, President Obama shouted, “Bingo!”

But George W. says that just proves Obama isn’t that smart. He should have reminded the moderate that it’s I-20. G is between 46 and 60.

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World Cup hopes and other dashed dreams

June 27, 2010

For the U.S. anyway in 2010, their World Cup hopes are “Ghana with the wind.”

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Americans, who had really begun to embrace the USA team, were devastated by the loss. It was almost as heartbreaking as the Olympic gold medal hockey game….say, who won that anyway?

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Landon Donovan may be done with the World Cup, but the U.S. star has been rumored to be looking at a contract with Chelsea (one of England’s top soccer teams) after a 10 week stint he had playing this year for Everton in England’s Premier League.

And according to a U.K. tabloid, Donovan will also become a father, at least according to a pregnant British woman. So I guess Landon had no problem scoring in England.

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And if you thought “Ghana with the wind” was bad…..

A day after his epic 11 hour win at Wimbledon, a tired, badly blistered John Isner lost his next match in 75 minutes. Talk about de thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

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The 49ers filed a claim with the city of San Francisco, asking for a rent decrease because Candlestick Park is in such bad disrepair. On behalf of Candlestick Park, the city filed a counter claim, saying the same thing could be said about the 49ers..

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Police in Southern California seized $45 million in drugs they found in the back of a tractor-trailer Friday, including 38,000 pounds of marijuana. 7 11 stores in the area immediately applied for federal bailout money.
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Despite Major League Baseball’s drug rules, over 100 players have received medical clearance to take banned substances for Attention Deficit Disorder. So almost eight percent of ballplayers have the problem? Right.

Wonder if there’s a script floating around for players trying to get clearance to take Ritalin “So what makes you think you have ADD?” “Well, doctor, you see it’s like this, Oh look, a puppy.”

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Three incoming UCLA freshman football players have been arrested for alleged felony theft. Oregon’s Heisman-caliber quarterback has been dismissed from the team. And USC is on probation. Stanford is just a scandal or two from being Rose Bowl favorites.

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For Canadian readers, a thought watching all these G20 protests actually turn a little violent in Toronto.

Good thing one thing Torontonians don’t have to worry about. What would happen if the Leafs actually won the Stanley Cup.

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Weekend wanderings….

June 26, 2010

Raymond Parks, the last surviving founder of NASCAR, has died at the age of 96. In his honor, all drivers will race in an upcoming event with their left blinkers on.
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Giants baseball – A possible violation of the Geneva Convention.

for anyone going, huh? Friday night closer Brian Wilson recorded one of his trademark saves for the San Francisco Giants. Two quick outs in the ninth with a two run lead, and then four straight baserunners before he finally salvaged a one run win with the bases loaded. 42 pitches)

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Congratulations to Edwin Jackson of the Diamondbacks, who somehow pitched one of the sloppiest no-hitters despite throwing 149 pitchers, walking eight batters, and hitting another. It’s a little reminiscient of the girl we all knew in high school who proudly proclaimed her virginity, but nonetheless went to second base with a different guy each weekend.

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How badly are the Los Angeles Dodgers struggling right now? At this point their goal may just be to win nearly as many games in June as the Lakers.

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There are rumors that the Jacksonville Jaguars, struggling on the field and with attendance, may not survive in the NFL more than a few more years. If so, both the SEC and Pac 10 are reportedly interested.

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Sarah Palin, in California for a controversial fundraiser at Cal State Stanislaus, did not make any appearances of behalf of Carly Fiorina, theSenate Candidate she has endorsed. Apparently there were long negotiations on the subject, and Fiorina’s people convinced Palin not to do it.

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In Palin’s speech, she complained about the young people who dug up details on her speaking fees and other contract demands, referring to them as “students who spent their valuable, precious time diving through dumpsters before this event in order to silence someone … what a wasted resource.”

And the former Governor should know about wasted time as a student, after she attended her six colleges in six years to earn a bachelor’s degree.

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So now there are doubts about the truth of the story about Al Gore reputedly ever making unwanted sexual advances towards that masseuse. Makes sense, with all due respect, if he and Tipper didn’t have four kids there would be doubts if the former Vice President had ever had sex.

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USC has appealed some of the sanctions against their football team, but the Trojans accepted this year’s bowl ban. Translation – yeah, somehow we ended up hiring Lane Kiffin, so we weren’t going to one anyway.

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Volatile Chicago pitcher Carlos Zambrano was suspended indefinitely by the team for yet another tantrum and tirade. No one is quite sure what sets him off – maybe it’s playing for the Cubs?

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In the World Cup, Switzerland, whose defense allowed only 1 goal in 3 games, nonetheless couldn’t advance because they just couldn’t score in a 0-0 game against Honduras. So this may go down in history as a “Swiss Miss.”

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Linda McMahon, running for Senate in Connecticut, is running as an outsider, saying that as former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, she has had a regular job. And that WWE is “a soap opera that entertains millions every week.” So this is different from Congress how?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized again with heart problems. This must all somehow stem from his being born without one.

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Great joke I wish I’d written from Alex Kaseberg:

In the World Cup, Italy and France, lost and are out, but the US, England, Germany and Japan continue to fight. Why does this sound so familiar?

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How the mighty have fallen…

June 25, 2010

The defending World Cup champions didn’t even make it out of the first round. This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to Italy, well, without Catholic priests involved.

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The Netherlands will take a perfect 3-0 record into the round of 16 at the World Cup. Which means group E will go down in history as the “Dutch Crunch.”
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Americans are apparently now actually starting to tune into the World Cup. So the real winner when Donovan scored that late goal against Algeria? ESPN.

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Apparently the U.S.-Algeria match broke records for Americans watching on Espn.com. Which considering that the match was during the work day, could have gotten a lot of people fired. Assuming they had jobs to be fired from.

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The Isner-Mahut match lasted three days. That’s longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

(although for any British readers, shorter than a cricket test match.)

John Isner 70 – Nicholas Mahut 68. Give the Frenchman credit. He lasted longer than his country did in World War II.

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A California couple was arrested for allegedly trying to sell their 6-month-old baby for $25 outside a Walmart store. They were charged both with child endangerment and illegally undercutting Walmart prices.

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The former Bachelor and his former fiancee, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, deny that they basically are nothing but shallow publicity hounds. And they further announced they will sit down for joint interviews to explain their breakup on the Bachelorette, and of course other interested shows.

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Toy Story 3 has grossed over $100 million already. This gives the movie the record for the most profit ever made from artificially-created figures since the last Los Angeles plastic surgeons’ convention.

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Let’s hope the iPhone 4 craze slows down before next Friday’s opening of “Eclipse,” the latest Twilight movie. Otherwise it could be really scary with those potentially intersecting long lines. Some of these people could actually meet and mate.

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Inspired by Jerry Perisho, who suggested that since Carly Simon is turning 65 this weekend, that the song “Nobody does it better” is now the theme song for Metamucil.

Now the reason Carly has “No Secrets,” is she can’t remember them anymore.

And Simon is working on a remake of a hit – now dedicated to her women friends – “You’re so Varicose Veined.”

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Northern California has started toll carpool lanes, so drivers will be able to buy their way into the fast lanes. They got the idea from Meg Whitman, who hopes to buy her way into the fast lane all the way to Sacramento.

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It keeps going, and going, and going…

June 24, 2010

By the time you read this, the Wimbledon match that would not end, may have ended. Or maybe not.

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The Wimbledon match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut is heading into its third day. And it will go down in history as one of the most seemingly endless events ever. The players may not get an invitation to meet President Obama, but they’ve already received an offer to chat with Joe Biden.

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John Isner and Nicholas Mahut had their 10 hour plus match at Wimbledon suspended Wednesday night due to darkness, with the fifth set tied 59-59. (No, that’s not a typo.) Whoever wins, they both should be looking at serious endorsement contracts with Energizer.

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As the longest match in Wimbledon history went over 100 games in the fifth set, many occasional tennis fans had one question – “At what point do they go to penalty kicks?”
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Stephen Strasburg made his fourth start today for the Washington Nationals against the Kansas City Royals. Following starts against the Pirates, Indians and White Sox. So he should be about ready to start facing some major league hitting.

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Prince Albert of Monaco has finally announced his engagement to a Olympic swimmer. Many of his subjects are shocked, not only is he finally getting married, he’s marrying a woman.

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Former President Clinton is in South Africa lobbying to try to bring the 2018 World Cup to the U.S. If he really wants to increase our country’s bid chances, just make a two word promise: “No Vuvuzelas!”

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The U.S. advanced in the World Cup with a goal in stoppage time. “This is fantastic” said most Americans – “What’s stoppage time?”

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U.S. sports talk radio is amazing. Two ties and a 1-0 win have somehow turned into world domination.

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The San Jose Sharks decided not to offer goalie Evgenie Nabokov a contract for next season. Maybe Nabokov should consider signing with the Maple Leafs. It would be one way to avoid playoff stress and pressure.
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Well, we’ve finally found something big enough to cover the BP oil leak – General Stanley McChrystal’s mouth.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “On Thursday, Queen Elizabeth II is due to make her first Wimbledon appearance in over 30 years.The last time she was there, she threw out the first ball that started the match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut”

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and from Marc Ragovin:

So fans thronged the streets of Los Angeles earlier this week, as the Lakers celebrated their 16th NBA championship. Not to be outdone, some Clippers fans gathered at a local Bob’s Big Boy to reminisce about the team’s really crisp shootaround on February 18.

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Hump Day at the World Cup?

June 23, 2010

Wednesday being “Hump Day” at the World Cup for a number of reasons.

The first being of course England and the US trying to get over “the hump.”

Second being, since the English coach has forbidden any extracurricular events involving sex and/or alcohol for his team so far in the tourney, either result may put the Brits “over the hump.”

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With France out, England hopes they can salvage their own World Cup first round with a win Wednesday. The English coach, however, has banned alcohol from the team’s accommodations and training facility. Doesn’t he realize for that Brits, beer is a performance enhancing drug?

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Au revoir “les blues.” Can we say the French team just handed matches to their opponents?

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Or as Gary Morton says, “The French are toast.”
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Will the theme of the once highly rated French team at this year’s World Cup be “Waterloo?”
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Some of the media in California are making much of the fact that former Governor and current candidate Jerry Brown and his wife now live in home worth $1.8 million in the Oakland Hills. $1.8 million. Or as Meg Whitman calls it, a day’s advertising budget.

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Meanwhile, the College World Series is in full swing. The top display of amateur baseball talent since the Baltimore Orioles played the Kansas Ciity Royals.

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General Stanley McChrystal has apparently resigned after Rolling Stone printed critical remarks he made about colleagues, including the vice-president. What’s more shocking, that a high level official would have to resign after shooting off his mouth in an interview, or that Biden was the subject and not the speaker.

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Okay, since he basically committed premeditated career suicide with his Rolling Stones’ interview, anybody want to lay odds on how long it will take for General Stanley McChrystal to sign a contract as a commentator for Fox News?

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In California, Some of the media are making much of the fact that Jerry Brown and his wife now live in home worth $1.8 million in the Oakland Hills. $1.8 million. Or as Meg Whitman calls it, a day’s advertising budget.

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Tin cup, tin ear?

June 22, 2010

Tin cup, tin ear, could be the title of a Kevin Costner movie sequel about an aging golf pro who ends up deaf after a trip to the World Cup?

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Florida Marlins’ management said that their free mini-vuvuzela giveaway for their game against the Rays was a success. Players on both teams, however, say it was the worst sound they had heard in a ballpark since Roseanne Barr sang the national anthem..

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The French soccer team is being denounced as a bunch of “divas.” And female singers the world over are going, “No way, we divas are actually talented”

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Red Lobster, which serves raw and steamed oysters at some of their restaurants, will be putting the bivalves on hiatus for a while, due to their major supplier shutting down temporarily due to the oil spill. According to the Orlando Sentinel, “once Red Lobster’s current supply runs out, probably in the next couple of weeks, oysters will come off the menu,” a company spokesman said.

Hmm, a “couple weeks” supply of raw oysters on hand. Doesn’t that make you want to rush right out and order half a dozen next week?.

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Apple’s customer service woes continues as people who pre-ordered the new iPhone are reportedly having their orders cancelled with all kinds of excuses. Who does Apple think they are, Microsoft?

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Most of the cancelled orders are apparently online orders or those made through an iPhone app. Apple says the have live customer service agents who will try to help frustrated customers, but of course, that would require iPhone owners to figure out how to use their current device to actually make a call.

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Portugal beat North Korea 7-0 in the World Cup today. In related news, North Korea said it is just coincidence that the range of the new missiles they are testing is the approximate distance from Pyongyang to Lisbon.

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Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers broke his left fore arm and will miss the start of training camp, apparently from playing flag football. Note to Steve, you’re not supposed to try to tackle the flag.

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Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are postponing their honeymoon so the groom can go back to work on his upcoming film, “Cowboys and Aliens.” Makes sense, Harrison has to make enough money to pay for
Calista’s orthodonthia.

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Sometimes no satire I could write can match reality. This line, forwarded by a friend, is actually in the Texas Republican party platform: “Marriage Licenses – We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.”-

(On more mundane matters, the Texas GOP also wants to ban “Red Light Cameras.” (But they wouldn’t be a felony.)

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Last Golfer Standing?

June 21, 2010

At Pebble Beach, Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell was first, France’s Gregory Havret was second, and South Africa’s Ernie Els was first. Who’d a thunk that this week Americans might have had a better week at the World Cup than our own U.S. Open?

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If they make a documentary about this year’s U.S. Open, will it be titled “Last Golfer Standing?”

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Golf may not be the world’s most exciting spectator sport. But it has some good points. And maybe this week one stands out. Two words – “NO VUVUZELAS.”

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The Florida Marlins and Tampa Rays complained mightily after a free mini-vuvuzela giveaway in Miami meant that players from both teams and umpires had to wear earplugs, and they still couldn’t have conversations on the field and in the dugout. But Marlins management apparently hadn’t anticipated any problems.

Even BP executives said, how could you not see that coming?

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A question for Texas congressman, Joe Barton, who apologized to BP. Would he have made the same apology if say, the disaster had been an out-of-control major fire started at a solar energy plant?

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Poor Dustin Johnson, the Saturday leader, shot 11 over par in the final round of the U.S. Open. That’s the worst performance by a professional athlete on Sunday in recent memory. Well, not involving JaMarcus Russell

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So football has a computer-generated yellow line on television for years, so viewers can see where a team needs to go to get a first down. How hard would it be for golf to put a yellow ring around the cup, so viewers can actually see where a player is aiming?

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You figure Kobe Bryant had to be rooting for Tiger Woods, especially after Tiger shot a 66 to move into contention. Because then at least Kobe wouldn’t be a slam dunk for the award for the biggest jerk to win a championship this week.

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Actually, maybe we should feel sorry for Tiger. What if sex for him really was a performance enhancing drug?

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After striker Nicolas Anelka’s was expelled from the team and sent home for a tantrum, the rest of the French team refused to practice Sunday. Wonder why his teammates were so upset, they are likely to be following him back to France very shortly

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Well, as long as the NBA playoffs go, at least we have reason to think they won’t extend any longer into June in future. Because then they would conflict with the busiest day of the year for NBA players – Father’s Day.

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Well, it’s not on the level of BP’s public relations disasters, but…. British Airway’s “UNITE” cabin crew has staged a series of strikes this year that have caused travel nightmares for thousands. During the most recent strike, however, union leader Tony Woodley took his own vacation with his wife to Cyprus. He flew EasyJet..

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World Cup, golf cups, etc.

June 20, 2010

Americans are fond of complaining how boring it is to watch soccer. Although that statement might carry more weight when it’s not said during the weekend of the U.S. Open Golf tournament.

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So let’s see, BP’s chairman refers to Gulf residents as “small people,” BP’s CEO’s takes a day off to watch his $50 million yacht in a fancy yacht race. What’s next? Presume that BP will be sending hungry locals a month’s supply of cake.

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BP’s Chairman is actually defending his “small people” line by claiming that as a Swede he had difficulty saying what he meant in English. What, are ABBA’s translators no longer available?

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It really does defy belief that Tony Hayward, whose company may do more damage to the ocean than any other, would appear in public watching an ocean yacht race…. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, it’s like rooting for Tiger Woods on Father’s Day.

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A new study shows that “fans who feel personally invested in a team or, better yet, who attend games and cheer along with like-minded fans, reap the mental health benefits that come from a feeling of social connectedness.” Finally, an explanation of what keeps Chicago Cubs (and Toronto Maple Leafs fans from being suicidal.

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A tradition at PNC Park in Pittsburgh is a “pierogi race” between innings. (A Pierogi is a European stuffed dumpling.) But, one of the men who was employed as a “racing pierogies” was fired by the team for making disparaging comments about the team on Facebook. Guess this was cheaper for the Pirates than actually fielding a team the piergoies wouldn’t disparage.

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Yes the Lakers won the NBA championship and the Yankees are back in first place. But on the other hand, the first team through into the second round of the the World Cup was… Denmark? And TCU in their first College World Series beat Florida State 8-1.

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In the latest World Cup news, one of the stars of the French team Nicolas Anelka (yeah, I didn’t recognize the name either), has been thrown off the team after getting into an argument with his coach. Which based on France’s performance so far, means he probably just will be getting home a few days ahead of his teammates.

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Fit to be tied.

June 19, 2010

Americans are furious over perceived blown calls in the US match against Slovenia today by a referee from Mali. Which is kind of interesting when you think about it. It’s a sport we largely don’t care about, with rules most of us don’t understand, and most Americans probably couldn’t find either Slovenia OR Mali on a map.

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At least Mali has been independent from France for 50 years. The world sporting community doesn’t need another incident regarding a French judge.

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Actually, it does appear from replays that the US has valid complaints in the second half. On the other hand, what about that first half? The blown call(s) wouldn’t have mattered if the team wasn’t down 2-0 to a country with approximately the population of West Virginia.

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If the US does get bounced out of the World Cup in the first round, Americans will be upset about it for a long time. Just like we were after the Olympic gold medal hockey game….say, who won that anyhow?

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More disturbing World Cup news from Marc Ragovin, “Paris Hilton was arrested last night for flashing her vuvuzela in public.”

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Stephen Strasburg set a major league record with 32 strikeouts in his first three major league starts. And amazingly he did it without facing the Giants and Mariners.

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Manny Ramirez was distinctly underwhelming in his first return to Fenway Park as a Dodger. But to be fair, he may not have been at his best mid-second trimester.

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In a FOX News interview, Sarah Palin indicated she felt that police should just leave marijuana users alone if they are not out in public – – “If somebody’s gonna smoke a joint in their house and not do anybody else any harm.” Hmm, wonder who’s inhaling in Wasilla?

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Suddenly that new fence Palin built around her home makes a lot more sense.

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Campbell’s is recalling their SpaghettiOs with Meatballs products because of concerns about undercooked beef. Those of us who grew up on SpaghettiOs are shocked – the meatballs actually contain beef?

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Female employees at Walt Disney World no longer have to wear panty hose to work. This change was prompted by a simple question from most new hires – “What are panty hose?”

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Meg Whitman says in new Spanish ads targeting Latino voters that she is a “Una Candidata diferente.” Yeah, for starters “diferente” than she was in the Primary.

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BP’s CEO Tony Hayward not only said he was “out of the loop” and unaware of anything wrong at his company, he has now been removed from his position overseeing the oil spill situation. So since he’s sort of out of a job what will Hayward do now? It’s too late to declare for the Senate race in California.

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It’s over….

June 18, 2010

But how bad did the Lakers and Celtics look on offense in the NBA championship game Thursday? Soccer fans who tuned in because there was no competing World Cup match said “How do you Americans watch this game? So much running around and no scoring.”

Heck, Phil (75) and Tiger (74) at Pebble almost outscored the Celtics.

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In Los Angeles, there was some rioting in the streets after the game seven victory. Fans were hoping, however, that the police would give them a break. After all, the Lakers haven’t won a championship in 12 whole months.

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And now that the NBA finals are over, you know what that means? It’s almost time to be thinking about next year’s preseason.

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The Kansas City Royals with their refurbished stadium were awarded the 2012 Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Well, this is one reason actually to like the fact that the game determines home field advantage in the World Series. It will give Royals fans their first glimpse in in decades of a meaningful game in July.

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Gonzalo Higuain scored a hat trick in Argentina’s 4-1 win over South Korea. 3 goals in one game? That’s amazing by most team standards. Heck, by both teams combined standards.

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Mexico 2 – France 0 – Theme song of the day “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.”

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Congrats to the Greeks for their first World Cup win. Actually, so nice to hear the word “Greece” on the radio and have it have nothing to do with the stuff covering Gulf coast beaches

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Will $20 billion be enough to clean up the Gulf? At this point Meg Whitman is just hoping it might be enough to buy the California governorship.

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Tony Hayward’s number one defense in from of Congress Thursday seemed to be that as BP’s CEO he was “out of the loop” and knew nothing of any problems. Well, that might help explain why former HP CEO and current California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is defending the oil industry.

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In the “if you care about this you probably really need a life department,” there are now rumors that Kate Gosselin has had breast implants. For many viewers, the first clue was the show’ s new title “Kate plus 2”

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Unfortunate headlnes paired up tonight:

USA executes man by firing squad.

and

Congress takes shots at BP CEO Tony Hayward.

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Illinois Senate candidate Mark Kirk, already under fire for “embellishing” his military record, may also have been less than truthful about his teaching experience. Actually, sounds to me like he might be practicing for the Senate.
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Utah officially accepted an invitation to be the 12th team in the Pac 10. Guess the Oakland Raiders turned the offer down too?

One from Bill Littlejohn that I wish I had written…on the subject of the Pac 10, 11, 16, 12, whatever..and on coming up with some way to assimilate Utah(?!) into the Conference “Solution: change their name to the University of California at Salt Lake City.

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It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad World Cup.

June 15, 2010

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How we know for sure the major U.S. networks don’t consider the World Cup a major draw for American viewers? The games aren’t being shown tape-delayed, especially on the West Coast.

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Actually apropos of nothing, wonder how many more Americans would watch the World Cup if it coincided with “Happy Hour?”

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Japan won their opening match against Cameroon 1 to 0. This elicted two responses from most Japanese sports fans. 1. “This is great news.” 2. “What’s the World Cup?”

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It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.

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When political prisoners were allowed to watch the World Cup matches with the sound on high, rumor has it many said “I’d rather be waterboarded.”

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A British tabloid reports that a TV documentary later this week will allege Tiger Woods had a “secret love child” and that DNA evidence supports their claim.

If true this could be be the most expensive Tiger cub in history.

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The Saints are hoping that the USC investigation and probation doesn’t become a distraction for Reggie Bush. But Bush says, not to worry, he is good at keeping off-field issues separate from his role on the team. For example, after he was drafted, he didn’t sulk at all when he took a pay cut by signing that first New Orleans contract.

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The University of Texas on Monday has announced they are staying in the Big 12, with a press conference called for tomorrow. Translation, they are working out how to put the most admirable spin on the fact “the other conferences didn’t offer us enough money.

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Kobe Bryant apparently called out his Lakers teammates after their game 5 loss to the Celtics. This was a change… Kobe realizes he HAS teammates?

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from Marc Ragovin, might be more true than funny: “The British media is killing goalie Robert Green for the soft goal he let in during the US/England World Cup game. Which might be a bit harsh. Its not like he’s responsible for destroying another country’s entire ecosystem or anything.”

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on a lighter World Cup note, from Alex Kaseberg: “A doctor told the Argentina men’s soccer team it’s OK to have sex during the World Cup. This isn’t going to endear soccer to homophobic American sports fans. Oh, they can have sex with their wives or girlfriends? Oh, sorry.”

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President Obama said today that “Gulf seafood was safe to eat.” Suppose this could make sense. If oil was always a poison, KFC wouldn’t have any customers left alive.

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There’s a report out that California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman shoved an employee during a dispute while she was CEO of Ebay, and the incident was resolved with an undisclosed settlement. In related news, Jerry Brown is no longer going to use the term “take the gloves off” regarding any future debates.

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Sarah Palin has announced that she plans to go to England and hopes to meet with Maggie Thatcher. Palin says she really wants to talk to Thatcher about what she did for the country, and how she liked living in Buckingham Palace.

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is standing by her statement that people on the government “no-fly” list should be able to purchase guns. She says she doesn’t want to take rights away from people who might be on that list mistakenly.. Brave words from a woman who travels by corporate jet.

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Knuckling down to business.

June 14, 2010

Congratulations to Tim Wakefield, who has just become one of the very few pitchers in modern history to pitch over 3000 innings.

Added all together, that would be a total of over 330 complete games. And in all those innings, at least a dozen pitches that topped 70 mph.

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Years ago, Randy Johnson threw a pitch that killed a bird. A little known story is that Wakefield also hit a bird with a pitch. Said bird is still telling the story to his grandchildren.

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How slow does knuckleballer Tim Wakefield throw? Put it this way, he threw one pitch, and was called for delay of game before it reached the batter.

As hitting coach Charlie Lau once said, however, “there are two theories of hitting a knuckleball. Neither one works.”

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On the other hand, in those 3,000 innings, how many catchers has Wakefield pushed towards being alcoholics?
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Big 12 theme song – Almost all my ex’s live in Texas?

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Vince Young this weekend joined an increasingly long line of NFL players who made the news other than on the sports page by getting arrested for an altercation outside a strip club.

So the question, since the term “cautionary tale” doesn’t seem to apply….does the NFL need better helmets? Or is this just testosterone poisoning?

At this point, fans of the long-running but recently cancelled show may be able to look forward to “Law and Order – NFL edition.”

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Although at the college level… Florida State sophomore wide receiver Frankie Hammond, Jr, 20, was arrested this weekend. Hammond was pulled over for an alleged DUI, going 45 in a 20 zone, swerving, and driving with two open bottles of whiskey in his car.

Well, with or without Bobby Bowden looks like it’s still Felony Stupidity University.

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After the USA team played English to that 1-1 tie June 12, their next game is now…June 18? Who do these World Cup schedulers think they are, the NBA?

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Thanks in part to a marquee England-USA match, millions of Americans are watching their first World Cup on televison. And thanks to the “vuvuzelas,” millions of Americans have also discovered how to work their “mute” buttons.
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A World Cup television question? How do you close caption a “vuvuzela?

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Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, died at the age of 81. In his honor, for the next week at Denny’s all Grand Slam breakfasts will be served with a moment of silence.

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The NBA finals and the Tonys have something in common. In both you are likely to get rewarded for great acting.
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President Obama apparently will make a major address about the oil spill in the Gulf after he visits the area Tuesday. David Axelrod says, however, that Obama’s “not going to make any judgments about the soul of BP execs.” Makes sense, at this point nobody’s sure if any of them have one.

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And on a not so cheery final note, should we be worried that the initials BP also stand for “bankruptcy protection?”

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“Look ma, no hands”

June 13, 2010

Not exactly the headline England wanted to see about their goalie.

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After watching that game-tying goal for the US today, I have a question: While I’m not a soccer expert, aren’t goalies supposed to be able to use their hands?

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Apple, whose iPhone gets great reviews from consumers except for staying connected during actual phone calls, is considering an endorsement contract with English goalkeeper Robert Green. Theme of the campaign “Sometimes, drops just happen.”

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And of course there’s the possibility for Green of being in an commercial for Allstate Insurance, representing the unnamed competition. With of course the usual tagline “You’re in good hands with Allstate.”

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Actually, watching the World Cup, you understand why it’s called “football.” And actually why the American game should be called “throwball” or “carryball.” The only kickers in American football tend to be soccer-style anyway.

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From Marc Ragovin: BP finally has a strategy for dealing with the runaway oil well. Its called the “hey, the World Cup is on TV.”

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New toast in the Mountain and Central time zones of the U.S. “May your troubles last as long as the Big 12 conference.”

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Just one thought about those plastic World Cup trumpets? Anyone have some SERIOUS mosquito repellent around?

They’re actually called “vuvuzelas” Which I think is an African term meaning “Most annoying sound ever.”

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Americans in South Africa at the World Cup are complaining about the plastic trumpets known as “vuvuzelas,” saying the noise they make is boring, annoying, and interminable. And South Africans are replying “Look who’s talking, the country who sent as their representative Joe Biden.”

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The only good thing about the tie in England, apparently President Obama and new Prime Minister David Cameron had a bet on the match. If the U.S. won, Cameron was going to send over some of England’s best beer. If England won, Obama was going to send over America’s best.

And the Brits are thinking, well, at least we don’t have to drink that crap.

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The SF Giants are pushing fans to vote for their players for the All Star game, including Aaron Rowand. With all due respect to the Giants, not only is the .223 hitting Rowand not one of the top three outfielders in the National League, he isn’t one of the top three outfielders in San Francisco.

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A lunch with Warren Buffett, which sold for $2.6 million, took the record for biggest Ebay purchase ever. Of course, this record could be usurped, if former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman is able to buy the California governorship, for her stated bid of $150 million.

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New math?

June 12, 2010

The Big 10 has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. And for now the Pac 10 has 11. And we wonder why college athletes have trouble with math?

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Colorado to the Pac 10, Nebraska to the Big 10. For starters. And the NCAA is sanctioning USC because their student-athletes somehow got the idea that college football is about money.

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Reader Gary Morton sent in this great idea, though he doesn’t know who wrote it, ” the NCAA should ban USC’s band from playing ‘Conquest’ all 4 years they’re on probation. (“Conquest”, for the unitiated is the USC fight song…)

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Saturday is the World Cup match between England and the U.S. A match eagerly awaited by the British for months, and for American sports fans, since, well, “Baseball’s not on until mid-afternoon, Tiger’s not playing golf, and the Lakers-Celtics are Sunday night. So what’s on?”

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina now says about her famous “So yesterday” comment about Barbara Boxer that SHE personally wasn’t dissing her opponent’s hair, but was just “quoting a friend.” Hey Carly, if you’re going to be catty, woman up about it.

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And speaking of catty, what would I give to know what Carly thinks about Meg Whitman’s hairstyle?

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At least we won’t have to worry about a hair debate in the gubernatorial race. Jerry Brown won’t notice that Meg Whitman’s style hasn’t changed since he was governor and she was in high school. Ands she won’t diss his hair because he doesn’t have any.

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The 16 year old girl trying to sail around the world solo has apparently been located and is safe after a distress call was triggered by 20 hours of complete silence. And parents of teenagers around the world are thinking “How could they tell anything was wrong? 20 hours of complete silence sounds normal to us.

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Meanwhile U.S. ratings for the last game of the Stanley Cup finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Philadelphia Flyers were the highest since 1974. Or 1974 Americans watched the game. Or both.

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Mike Huckabee, a once and probably future Republican presidential candidate, took on fellow Republican and Indiana governor saying we should call a “truce” on social issues. Huckabee stated that the “issues of life and traditional marriage,” are not “bargaining chips nor are they political issues;” they are the “the basic premises of our civilization.”

If “traditional marriage” is a basic premise of civilization, then it might be time to put Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign, and yes, John Edwards, on the terrorist watch list.

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University of $ and not enough ¢

June 11, 2010

USC has long been known in the Pac 10 as the University of $’s and ¢’s But now the NCAA has decided that they’ve paid out too many of those dollars to student athletes, specifically Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. So the school is going on probation, will be banned from bowls for 2 years, and will forfeit 30 scholarships.

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On the bright side, with coach Lane Kiffin, the team wasn’t likely to qualify for any serious bowl anyway.

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The NCAA has warned USC that if they don’t clean up their act, the sanctions could get worse. As in they may be forced to keep Kiffin as their coach indefinitely.

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Lane Kiffin actually attracted the notice of NCAA investigators at his last job, at the University of Tennessee. So he could end with an dubious record, the first D1 coach to have two teams on major probation before he goes to a major bowl game.

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Actually USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they’d have to change the name from “Pinstripe Bowl” to “Jailstripe Bowl.”

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Ben Roethlisberger gave a contrite interview to a local Pittsburgh radio station, saying “”I got caught up being Big Ben the whole time. I lost track of who Ben Roethlisberger was. It’s not something I’m proud of,”

Yo, Ben, if you’re serious about getting back on track, lose the third person.

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Former (as of last week) Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has a record of getting into trouble almost as long as his stellar onfield record. He was expelled from Serra High School (and spent time in juvenile detention) for his part in a string of robberies. Then he was suspended for the year after pleading guilty to an on-campus burglary. And then he was finally kicked of the team for not only getting cited for marijuana possession, but driving with a suspended license.

Masoli may be out of changes in college football, but he’s looking good for being cast in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

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The first domino has fallen. The University of Colorado has agreed to join the Pac 10. And sure, why not, when you think of the Pacific, you have to think of Boulder, Colorado.

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Random thought. Does any top level athlete in the world look QUITE as sulky and petulant in an interview as Kobe Bryant does after a loss?

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Apparently the Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players aren’t being abusive. Who says sports isn’t educational?

Or a variation on the theme from Bill Littlejohn:

“The Brazilian referee and his assistants for Saturday’s England-United States game at the World Cup are brushing up on the lexicon of English-language obscenities and gestures.This morning, they observed video of the latest arrest of Amy Winehouse”

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Coming soon, the Pac 10-Big 10 matchup everyone has wanted to see in the Rose Bowl – Texas vs. Nebraska.

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Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open to any weekday between 3 and 4am.

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