Posted tagged ‘Biden jokes’

New oxymoron : SF Giants situational hitting

June 29, 2010

The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.”


Seriously, that moment in a game when you either get up and go to the concession stand, or if at home to the kitchen, because you just KNOW you’re not going to miss anything… Now, as a SF Giants fan I don’t want to be too greedy. On the other hand those moments should not be when “your” team puts runners on first and third with nobody out…

Some San Francisco 49ers fans are worried because their former top personnel executive, Scot McCloughan, is now working for the Seattle Seahawks for seven whole days, and they are worried about him giving away valuable secrets.

Note to fans, have you seen the 49ers’ record the past few years? There are no valuable secrets.

Now that the USA is out, heard at office water coolers across America. “Anyone hear who won this morning’s World Cup match? Yeah, me neither.”

Now FIFA is finding out what the PGA world is like without Tiger Woods.

(actually, as a reader pointed out, FIFA is fine. The way I should have written this, now in the US, ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods.)

R.I.P. Senator Robert Byrd, who died today at the age of 92. Although a Democrat, he was popular with members of both parties. John McCain especially liked that Byrd referred to him as “that nice young man.”

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled against the “Christian Legal Society,” which bars gays from joining, but had sued Hastings law school to get funding and recognition. Justice Alito, dissenting, said it was a “serious setback for freedom of expression.” Wonder if he would have said the same thing had it been, say, a “Witches Legal Society.”

Joe Biden is being criticized for calling the manager of a Wisconsin frozen custard shop a smarta**. So would it have been better if he used the same language as our former V.P. and told the guy to f*** himself?

And while we are using asterisks. Does FIFA really stand for “Feigning Indignation, F**ked Again?”

Regarding all those World Cup flops. Not like U.S. sports fans aren’t used to flopping in the NBA, and players trying to draw penalties in the NFL. Not to mention all the games baseball players play. But this is enough to make fans long for the purity and honesty of professional wrestling.

Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.


The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?


Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.


Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”


Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)


Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.


But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)


Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.


Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

April madness?

April 7, 2010

The NCAA basketball tournaments are done. So for fans of Madness now the best options may be to root for this to be the Chicago Cubs’ year, or for the Sharks to finally make it through the playoffs.

President Obama’s first pitch before the Nationals’ home opener has been universally panned as not one of his best. But give the guy credit, he threw harder than Jamie Moyer.

Jamie Moyer, 47, made the Phillies final roster as the fifth starter. He made his major league debut in 1986, and has been in professional baseball ever since. In fact, though he has taken some turns in the minors, Moyer has never once, ever briefly, announced his decision to retire. “Amateur!”, says Brett Favre.


Milwaukee Brewers owner Mark Attanasio has been complaining publicly about his team struggling to sign first baseman Prince Fielder, while the New York Yankees seem to have an unlimited budget. Yankees president Randy Levine told Attanasio to quit whining, and politely suggested he eat cake.


Los Angeles mayor Antonio Viillaraigosa hopes to solve the city’s budget crisis by shutting down all city services twice a week. Which means many city employees will essentially end up working a little more than half their scheduled hours. Sort of how the Lakers approach the regular season.


Golden State Warriors’ head coach Don Nelson had a chance to pass Lenny Wilkens for the most all-time wins in the NBA Tuesday night, but his team fell short 112-94 against the now 24-53 Washington Wizards.

On a brighter note, by not having his record setting win be against the Wizards, Nelson does avoid an asterisk.


Meg Whitman has already spent $59 million of her own money on a campaign to become Governor of California. This could turn out to be the biggest waste of money in the state since the Dodgers gave a two-year $45 million contract to Manny Ramirez.

The victorious UConn women’s basketball team will get a White House visit, but Stanford did get a consolation post-game visit from VP Joe Biden. Although as a Cardinal fan I have to think, darn shame Biden didn’t go to the Huskies’ locker room at half-time for a few encouraging words – the UConn players might have missed most of the 2nd half.

great line from my friend Jim Barach:

“Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens says he will decide soon on when he will retire. He turns 90 this month. He had better decide soon on everything.”

Post St. Patty’s toast…

March 18, 2010

Still in the Irish spirit, here’s a toast…

“May your troubles last as long as your perfect March Madness brackets.”


Serious thought – yes, I have them occasionally – on the eve of March Madness. Want to raise the abysmal graduation rates for NCAA D1 basketball? Tie scholarships to the number of previous year’s graduations.

Not sure if the Texas Rangers have finalized the advertising signs this year for their Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. But I think it’s a safe bet we won’t be seeing ‘Things go better with Coke.


Secretary of Education Arne Duncan has suggested NCAA teams be banned from post season play unless they have at least a 40 percent player graduation rate. And student-athletes from many top seeded teams are complaining “No fair, that’s well over half.”


The Washington Nationals, 0-11 in Spring Training, and with the worst record in baseball last year, have indicated they probably want phenom Stephen Strasburg to start the season with a AAA team. No word on if that team will be the Syracuse Chiefs or the Nationals themselves.


First round NCAA men’s basketball stats: Louisville – 38% graduation rate. Cal – that academic powerhouse – 20% graduation rate.

(yes, this blog does have an occasional Stanford bias.)


So Barack Obama may have secured Dennis Kucinich’s vote on healthcare by taking him for a ride on Air Force One. Which was a more positive methodology than Obamas original idea – threatening to send him to ride on Amtrak with Joe Biden.

Thieves apparently broke into an Eli Lilly warehouse in Connecticut and stole over $70 million worth of drugs. Wow. At today’s retail prices that’s medication for at least a dozen people for a year.

Orly Taitz is a leader of the “birther movement,” and has filed many lawsuits claiming President Obama was not born in the United States. Now she is running in the California Republican primary for Secretary of State. Wonder if Orly has to declare her birthplace in the filing papers? It would be nice to know her home planet.

Referees and rogues.

September 30, 2009

The NBA plans to open the preseason tomorrow with replacement referees. The players are appalled, what if the inexperienced refs do something drastically different – like call travelling.


The newest college football bowl game, starting in 2010, will be the Yankee Bowl, at Yankee Stadium. Fans interested in tickets are encouraged to start taking out loans now.


The Yankee Bowl will be the 35th in the Football Bowl Subvision (aka D1), which means that 70 out of 120 Division 1 teams will see post season action. Who does the NCAA think they are – the NBA?

The Yankee Bowl may also have a parade. If so, a front-runner for the grandmarshall’s job has to be Alex Rodriguez. Since the grand marshall’s role is generally the same as A-Rod’s in the postseason – doing absolutely nothing.


The tabloids are full of the rumors that Khloe Karadashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom may have been a fake. When asked, 20 percent of Americans said they believed it was real, 20 percent said it was a sham, and 60 percent said “Who the heck is Khloe Kardashian?”


Sarah Palin finished writing her book – “Going Rogue” -ahead of schedule, and it will be released November 17. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is working on his own book. And he is almost finished with page 300. Of the first chapter.


Sarah Palin’s book, before publication, is already number one on Amazon.com’s list. In fact, the book is selling so well that the Kennedy family is thinking of subtitling Ted’s posthumous memoir “Going Brogue.”

Sarah Palin’s book is already number one on Amazon.com’s sales list. Of course, many of these books are no doubt being purchased as giveaways to be used for political propaganda. By the Democrats.


Palin’s part of the book is finished, now apparently the publisher is rushing to do the final editing, including fact checking. Why start now?

University of New Mexico administrators are investigating a fight where football coach Mike Locksley allegedly struck an assistant. The coach could be suspended or fined. Or worse yet, he could be sentenced to coach the Oakland Raiders.


A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. Of course, the number one sport at the University of Chicago? Chess.


A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. And if there’s any University where they should really know sports….. oh, never mind.


Great comment from Alex Kaseberg. “Wow, can you imagine where Michael Vick would be if he hadn’t played football.”


A recent study showed a higher incidence of dementia among men who played NFL football. Presumably one of the first clues was “signing with the Oakland Raiders.”

Out of the mouths of idiots? On the new Jay Leno show during the “Battle of the Jaywalk All Stars, Leno asked “Who elects the president?” One gal answered “Florida.”

Commie pinko alert:

Ted Kennedy would be appalled at all of this bad behavior, but really, what’s the difference between “die quickly” and “death panels?

Little League and other amateur baseball…

August 31, 2009

Congratulations to the boys from Chula Vista, a suburb of San Diego. They just won the Little League World Series. The team could end up with an invitiation to Petco Park, except that management is afraid they may beat the Padres.


Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He was going to say a few words, but officials didn’t want the boys up past their bedtimes.

or

Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He wanted to say a few words, but apparently the last time that happened at a Little League game, by the time he was done, some players needed to shave.


The Chicago Cubs have been in free fall lately. Some attribute to the fact that on July 31, when the Cubs had a half-game lead over the Cardinals, the Marlins paraded a goat in front of the Chicago dugout. So it could be the Billy Goat Curse. Or it could be…. August.

In 2010, Californians will elect a new governor. And a probable candidate, Jerry Brown. Yes, that Jerry Brown. Governor Moonbeam. How old is the guy? Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, hang it up already.”


Happy Birthday to the great Art Spander. Besides being a great writer, he might be the only living sportswriter who was around to cover Favre’s first retirement.


And from Bill Littlejohn, after quarterback Michael Vick got a rousing ovation in his Eagles debut from the notoriously tough Philadelphia crowd: “Maybe Santa Claus should get into dogfighting.”

Long speeches, short marriages.

June 18, 2009
President Obama gave the longest speech of his presidency today to the AMA.  56 minutes. Or as Joe Biden calls that, “introductory remarks.”
The San Francisco Giants have been struggling this season to score runs.  One potential fix.  Trade Jonathan Sanchez to another National League West  team.
The Red Sox beat the Florida Marlins 6-1 today in the 500th straight sellout at Fenway Park.  Said many of the Marlin players in post-game interviews – “What’s a sellout?”
Billy and Katie Lee Joel are separating after five years of marriage.  Apparently the relationship ran into trouble when Katie Lee went through puberty..
Kate Moore,  age 15,  from Iowa, won the National Texting Championship.   No word on who won the over 18 Senior Division.
The Lakers drew thousands to their celebration of the team’s 15th NBA title. Not to be outdone, the Clippers promise their fans a celebration next year if and when the team gets their 15th win.

We’ve all changed our minds..

June 5, 2009

Brett Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, says of the currently-retired-at-this-moment quarterback  “We’ve all changed our minds, I guess.”

Isn’t this like someone saying of Bill Clinton ‘We’ve all lusted in our hearts?”

Definition of eternity.  Joe Biden trying to compress his thoughts into a 140 character Twitter.

The San Francisco Giants are celebrating Randy Johnson’s 300th win.  Even though out of that 300 win total, he has more wins against the Giants than with them.

this one from Bill Littlejohn:  A doctor says that Lamar Odom‘s inconsistency in the playoffs is due to a large amount of candy consumption that leads to highs and crashes.So, when Lamar is on the court, I guess the Lakers go into a Twinkie Defense”

Mine that Bird is being hyped as a great Canadian horse because he raced as a two year old in  Toronto despite being born in Kentucky.    Maybe it’s payback for the “American” teams – Pittsburgh and Detroit-  fighting for the Stanley Cup.  (Since most of them were born in Canada, and Europe.)

President Obama opened his speech in Cairo with a greeting in coherent Arabic.   Much of the Muslim world was shocked.  “Tell us about it”, said all the Americans who are still getting used to our President opening a speech in coherent English.

While Obama’s away…

June 4, 2009

Some are worried that with President Obama away in the Mideast, that Vice President Biden could get into trouble.  Not to worry,  Barack has simply given Joe an assignment to keep him busy – figure out how to Twitter.

(and if that joke makes no sense – Twitter requires that you get your thoughts down to 140 characters, maximum.)

Lebron James has been fined $25,000 for skipping the media press conference after the Cavaliers’ loss to Orlando.    Barry Bonds was especially unhappy to hear it, he now figures for a few million a year he could have skipped all of them.

Actually, if David Stern wants to really benefit the NBA maybe he shouldn’t fine Lebron for staying away from press conferences.  Maybe he should pay Mark Cuban to stay away from them.

The Lakers team showed up tonight.  Unfortunately the Orlando team that showed up was more like Dopey, Sleepy and Grumpy.

Randy Johnson got his 300th win today in Washington against the Nationals.  With these historic events, over the year the people who will  claim  they were there will grow exponentially.  Why, twenty years from now over 200 people will say they were in the stadium.

No wonder Randy felt so comfortable going for his 300th.  The crowd reminded him of his days with the Expos.

 

Randy Johnson once killed a bird by accidentally hitting him with a pitch. Awful luck. If he had only been hit by Jamie Moyer,  the bird would be telling the story to his grandchildren.

To 300 and beyond – Randy Johnson

June 4, 2009

 Randy Johnson was planning to pitch for his 300th win Wednesday night against the Washington Nationals.  Before the game was finally postponed,  officials considered starting the game as late as 1130p.  Considering the Nationals’ league worst attendance, such a game might have been apt  – 300 wins, 300 fans.

Johnson’s next chance for his 300th win is scheduled now for Thursday afternoon, in an unplanned  make-up game.  The expected miniscule crowd might be appropriate, after all, the Big Unit did start out with the Montreal Expos.

 

 

People paid $1000 to hear Joe Biden speak at a fundraiser.    Which in these times is quite a value –   That’s less than a penny a word.

Alex Kaseberg’s take on the same subject….

In New York, Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser dinner. That’s nothing, people paid $10,000-a-plate to attend the “Joe Biden Will Not Speak” fundraiser dinner.

President Obama is in the Mideast, but he left the dog behind.  Following  the precedent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been doing with Bill.

Variation on an old joke.

The University of Memphis said their own internal investigation and found no proof that a player, thought to be Derrick Rose, had a stand-in take the SAT for him.  Apparently the investigation went like this – “Derrick, did you take the SAT?   “Why is there one missing?”

The University of Memphis said their own internal investigation found no proof that a player cheated on the SAT.  Were these the same investigators who last year told John McCain to say “the fundamentals of our economy are strong?”

500 strikeouts in Washington…

June 3, 2009

 

Tim Lincecum got his 500th strikeout Tuesday night.  Which is amazing.  He’s only 24 years old.  And he hasn’t been able to pitch against the Giants lineup.

The last time there were 500 strikeouts in Washington, it was a Star Trek convention looking for dates to the final dinner..

 

The NBA finals are finally starting on Thursday.  The League’s goal is to have them finished in time for the 2009-10 preseason.

The Obama puppy, Bo, chomped on a reporter’s microphone.  The President apologized profusely and said the dog made a mistake; they were training him to take the mike from Biden.

Will Ferrell’s “Land of the Lost”  is opening Friday.    But I’m just not sure how interested Californians will be in a documentary on the Republican party..
 

In the next issue of Rolling Stone,  American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert will apparently admit he is gay.  This will come as quite a shock to both people who are just getting over the discovery that Clay Aiken is gay.

So now Americans have been told they will have to see their tax dollars continue to subsidize an aging relic from a past generation.  But the public financing from John McCain’s campaign is almost paid off.  It’s this GM thing that is troubling.. 

 –

Carly Fiorina wants to be a California senator, but she has only voted in about 20 percent of elections since she registered to vote in the State in 2000. Meg Whitman wants to be governor, but has voted in less than half the elections since she registered in 2002.

Don’t they understand?  You don’t miss votes until you get elected and then you start campaigning for your next office.

 

The Ohio State Buckeyes were eliminated in the NCAA baseball regionals with back to back losses  – 24-8 to Georgia and 37-6 to Florida State.  (No, those aren’t typos.)   Only smiles around baseball diamonds in Columbus have to be on the faces of potential walk-on pitchers.

Emerging from the undisclosed location

May 25, 2009

So Dick Cheney, who spent most of his eight years as Vice President largely silent and hidden from view in an “undisclosed location,” has now emerged as one of the most visible critics of the new administration. 

And in a display of bipartisanship, President Obama has asked Cheney if he could suggest Joe Biden follow the same model.

 

One in four Americans admit that they text while driving.  Of the other three, two say they only text while stopped in traffic or at a red light.  And the other one says “what’s a text?”

Arizona Senator John Kyl says he and fellow Republicans may filibuster if President Obama nominates a Supreme Court justice who decides cases based on “emotions or feelings”   Said Dick Cheney – “What are emotions or feelings?”

 

So one question, as President Obama nears his choice for a Supreme Court justice.  Will that nominee be decided before the Senate race between Al Franken and Norm Coleman is decided?

Okay, two questions.  Will there be another election before that Senate race is decided.

The Orlando Magic are leading their playoff series against the Cleveland Cavaliers 2-1, and are a last second Lebron James shot away from leading 3-0.   Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Lakers are involved in a close series with the Denver Nuggets, and could also easily have been down 3-0.

A Nuggets-Magic NBA final?  David Stern saying he would relish such a matchup would be almost as believable as Bud Selig’s denial of baseball’s steroid problems.

Billionaire Tom Golisano says he is moving to Florida because New York has become too expensive.   Apparently not even a billionaire can now afford to take his family to a Yankee game.

Today is Memorial Day, a serious time for Americans to remember those who have given their lives for this country.  And less seriously but more practically in recent times, to remember how much lower gas prices were the week before Memorial Day. 

 

and finally from Jim Barach,

The CDC says that people older than 52 may have swine flu immunity from previous exposure to the strain. In a related story, the CDC also says that John McCain is immune from the Black Plague.

Yankees jokes – is that becoming redundant?

May 9, 2009

You have to wonder, how many people in New York lost money in bank stocks or with Madoff, but had to figure, one solid investment would be their Yankees season tickets.

Especially when they sold their expected playoff tickets.

New Yorkers faced a tough decision in a poll last week asking who they would prefer to have as governor.  Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, or unpopular current governor David Paterson.  Many complained it was like being asked to chose between the Yankees and the Mets.

One name that has moved up about 10,000 places on the most popular baby name list – Barack.    One name that has probably moved down about 10,000 places  – Bernie.

The new Star Trek movie is being billed as “not your father’s Star Trek.”  Which is shocking.  Trekkies fathered children?

As a political statement, Kenyan women have vowed to abstain from sex with their husbands.  One frustrated man has already filed a lawsuit..  Wonder if his lawyer will be John Edwards?

Bud Selig says he plans to talk to the Yankees and Mets since he has noticed their unsold seats.    Okay, so the guy notices unsold seats, but didn’t notice anything was going on during the steroid era?

Even by teenager standards, this is selective attention.

But let’s see, want to fill the stands with people… what would do it…I don’t know, maybe sluggers suddenly going on home run binges ?   Wonder how Selig could help that happen?

 

As the 2009 San Francisco Giants were shut out, AGAIN, this time by the Los Angeles Dodgers, a question comes to mind:

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website?

The website regularly gets some hits.

From an IGA in Cincinnati, Ohio, from an elderly white man to a woman(my friend)  in front of him in line.

“You know, some said pigs would fly before we had a black president, and guess what?  Swine flew.”

Manny Ramirez was caught taking women’s fertility drugs.  Some people are never satisfied.  It’s not enough to be one of the top sluggers  in baseball, he wanted to be Octomom.

President Obama received good reviews for his comic performance at the White House Correspondents’ dinner.  But really, how can you doubt the sense of humor of someone who gave us Joe Biden?

In Miami, a popular Catholic priest, Alberto Cutié admitted last week that he is in a relationship and in  love with a divorced woman with a 14 year old son.

The Vatican reaction was mixed. half think it’s a major sin, the other half are just glad he’s not in a relationship with the son.

A-Rod and A Is-this-For-Real?

May 1, 2009

A new tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez alleges that besides using steroids, the slugger would tip pitches for opposing batters  when he was with the Rangers.  This is unbelievable.  Any batter would need help against Rangers’ pitching?

There are also allegations in the book that A-Rod used steroids as early as high school.  Which explained why his classmates voted him “Most Likely to Have a Swelled Head.”

Could it get any worse for A-Rod?  Today the Yankees told him they were pleased with his rehablitation from his hip injury, but they thought he should spend his last weeks on the DL training in Mexico.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring.   While the first President Bush expected Souter to be a moderate conservative,  as a justice he turned out to be reasonably liberal.  George H. W. Bush considers the appointment to be one of this biggest mistakes, next to introducing his son George W  to politics.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “A 17-year old Los Angeles area marching band girl fended off two muggers with her baton.Too bad Stanford didn’t have her against Cal back in ’82”

Condoleezza Rice was caught on  video tonight arguing with a Stanford student tonight.   Her statemants including that Guantanamo Bay was a “medium security” facility, and added  “We did not torture anyone.”

I like the one about George W. Bush planning to write a book better.

Game six of the first round NBA matchup between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls went to three overtimes.  Which I think  makes the time of game longer than the Pistons lasted in the playoffs. 

 

Okay, and finally, 100 days into Obama’s presidency, who’d a thunk that the Clintons would have proved far less of an distraction than Joe Biden?