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Knuckling down to business.

June 14, 2010

Congratulations to Tim Wakefield, who has just become one of the very few pitchers in modern history to pitch over 3000 innings.

Added all together, that would be a total of over 330 complete games. And in all those innings, at least a dozen pitches that topped 70 mph.

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Years ago, Randy Johnson threw a pitch that killed a bird. A little known story is that Wakefield also hit a bird with a pitch. Said bird is still telling the story to his grandchildren.

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How slow does knuckleballer Tim Wakefield throw? Put it this way, he threw one pitch, and was called for delay of game before it reached the batter.

As hitting coach Charlie Lau once said, however, “there are two theories of hitting a knuckleball. Neither one works.”

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On the other hand, in those 3,000 innings, how many catchers has Wakefield pushed towards being alcoholics?
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Big 12 theme song – Almost all my ex’s live in Texas?

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Vince Young this weekend joined an increasingly long line of NFL players who made the news other than on the sports page by getting arrested for an altercation outside a strip club.

So the question, since the term “cautionary tale” doesn’t seem to apply….does the NFL need better helmets? Or is this just testosterone poisoning?

At this point, fans of the long-running but recently cancelled show may be able to look forward to “Law and Order – NFL edition.”

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Although at the college level… Florida State sophomore wide receiver Frankie Hammond, Jr, 20, was arrested this weekend. Hammond was pulled over for an alleged DUI, going 45 in a 20 zone, swerving, and driving with two open bottles of whiskey in his car.

Well, with or without Bobby Bowden looks like it’s still Felony Stupidity University.

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After the USA team played English to that 1-1 tie June 12, their next game is now…June 18? Who do these World Cup schedulers think they are, the NBA?

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Thanks in part to a marquee England-USA match, millions of Americans are watching their first World Cup on televison. And thanks to the “vuvuzelas,” millions of Americans have also discovered how to work their “mute” buttons.
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A World Cup television question? How do you close caption a “vuvuzela?

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Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, died at the age of 81. In his honor, for the next week at Denny’s all Grand Slam breakfasts will be served with a moment of silence.

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The NBA finals and the Tonys have something in common. In both you are likely to get rewarded for great acting.
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President Obama apparently will make a major address about the oil spill in the Gulf after he visits the area Tuesday. David Axelrod says, however, that Obama’s “not going to make any judgments about the soul of BP execs.” Makes sense, at this point nobody’s sure if any of them have one.

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And on a not so cheery final note, should we be worried that the initials BP also stand for “bankruptcy protection?”

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“Look ma, no hands”

June 13, 2010

Not exactly the headline England wanted to see about their goalie.

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After watching that game-tying goal for the US today, I have a question: While I’m not a soccer expert, aren’t goalies supposed to be able to use their hands?

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Apple, whose iPhone gets great reviews from consumers except for staying connected during actual phone calls, is considering an endorsement contract with English goalkeeper Robert Green. Theme of the campaign “Sometimes, drops just happen.”

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And of course there’s the possibility for Green of being in an commercial for Allstate Insurance, representing the unnamed competition. With of course the usual tagline “You’re in good hands with Allstate.”

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Actually, watching the World Cup, you understand why it’s called “football.” And actually why the American game should be called “throwball” or “carryball.” The only kickers in American football tend to be soccer-style anyway.

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From Marc Ragovin: BP finally has a strategy for dealing with the runaway oil well. Its called the “hey, the World Cup is on TV.”

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New toast in the Mountain and Central time zones of the U.S. “May your troubles last as long as the Big 12 conference.”

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Just one thought about those plastic World Cup trumpets? Anyone have some SERIOUS mosquito repellent around?

They’re actually called “vuvuzelas” Which I think is an African term meaning “Most annoying sound ever.”

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Americans in South Africa at the World Cup are complaining about the plastic trumpets known as “vuvuzelas,” saying the noise they make is boring, annoying, and interminable. And South Africans are replying “Look who’s talking, the country who sent as their representative Joe Biden.”

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The only good thing about the tie in England, apparently President Obama and new Prime Minister David Cameron had a bet on the match. If the U.S. won, Cameron was going to send over some of England’s best beer. If England won, Obama was going to send over America’s best.

And the Brits are thinking, well, at least we don’t have to drink that crap.

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The SF Giants are pushing fans to vote for their players for the All Star game, including Aaron Rowand. With all due respect to the Giants, not only is the .223 hitting Rowand not one of the top three outfielders in the National League, he isn’t one of the top three outfielders in San Francisco.

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A lunch with Warren Buffett, which sold for $2.6 million, took the record for biggest Ebay purchase ever. Of course, this record could be usurped, if former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman is able to buy the California governorship, for her stated bid of $150 million.

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New math?

June 12, 2010

The Big 10 has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. And for now the Pac 10 has 11. And we wonder why college athletes have trouble with math?

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Colorado to the Pac 10, Nebraska to the Big 10. For starters. And the NCAA is sanctioning USC because their student-athletes somehow got the idea that college football is about money.

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Reader Gary Morton sent in this great idea, though he doesn’t know who wrote it, ” the NCAA should ban USC’s band from playing ‘Conquest’ all 4 years they’re on probation. (“Conquest”, for the unitiated is the USC fight song…)

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Saturday is the World Cup match between England and the U.S. A match eagerly awaited by the British for months, and for American sports fans, since, well, “Baseball’s not on until mid-afternoon, Tiger’s not playing golf, and the Lakers-Celtics are Sunday night. So what’s on?”

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California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina now says about her famous “So yesterday” comment about Barbara Boxer that SHE personally wasn’t dissing her opponent’s hair, but was just “quoting a friend.” Hey Carly, if you’re going to be catty, woman up about it.

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And speaking of catty, what would I give to know what Carly thinks about Meg Whitman’s hairstyle?

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At least we won’t have to worry about a hair debate in the gubernatorial race. Jerry Brown won’t notice that Meg Whitman’s style hasn’t changed since he was governor and she was in high school. Ands she won’t diss his hair because he doesn’t have any.

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The 16 year old girl trying to sail around the world solo has apparently been located and is safe after a distress call was triggered by 20 hours of complete silence. And parents of teenagers around the world are thinking “How could they tell anything was wrong? 20 hours of complete silence sounds normal to us.

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Meanwhile U.S. ratings for the last game of the Stanley Cup finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Philadelphia Flyers were the highest since 1974. Or 1974 Americans watched the game. Or both.

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Mike Huckabee, a once and probably future Republican presidential candidate, took on fellow Republican and Indiana governor saying we should call a “truce” on social issues. Huckabee stated that the “issues of life and traditional marriage,” are not “bargaining chips nor are they political issues;” they are the “the basic premises of our civilization.”

If “traditional marriage” is a basic premise of civilization, then it might be time to put Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign, and yes, John Edwards, on the terrorist watch list.

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A picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a post.

June 12, 2010

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University of $ and not enough ¢

June 11, 2010

USC has long been known in the Pac 10 as the University of $’s and ¢’s But now the NCAA has decided that they’ve paid out too many of those dollars to student athletes, specifically Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. So the school is going on probation, will be banned from bowls for 2 years, and will forfeit 30 scholarships.

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On the bright side, with coach Lane Kiffin, the team wasn’t likely to qualify for any serious bowl anyway.

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The NCAA has warned USC that if they don’t clean up their act, the sanctions could get worse. As in they may be forced to keep Kiffin as their coach indefinitely.

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Lane Kiffin actually attracted the notice of NCAA investigators at his last job, at the University of Tennessee. So he could end with an dubious record, the first D1 coach to have two teams on major probation before he goes to a major bowl game.

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Actually USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they’d have to change the name from “Pinstripe Bowl” to “Jailstripe Bowl.”

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Ben Roethlisberger gave a contrite interview to a local Pittsburgh radio station, saying “”I got caught up being Big Ben the whole time. I lost track of who Ben Roethlisberger was. It’s not something I’m proud of,”

Yo, Ben, if you’re serious about getting back on track, lose the third person.

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Former (as of last week) Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has a record of getting into trouble almost as long as his stellar onfield record. He was expelled from Serra High School (and spent time in juvenile detention) for his part in a string of robberies. Then he was suspended for the year after pleading guilty to an on-campus burglary. And then he was finally kicked of the team for not only getting cited for marijuana possession, but driving with a suspended license.

Masoli may be out of changes in college football, but he’s looking good for being cast in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”

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The first domino has fallen. The University of Colorado has agreed to join the Pac 10. And sure, why not, when you think of the Pacific, you have to think of Boulder, Colorado.

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Random thought. Does any top level athlete in the world look QUITE as sulky and petulant in an interview as Kobe Bryant does after a loss?

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Apparently the Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players aren’t being abusive. Who says sports isn’t educational?

Or a variation on the theme from Bill Littlejohn:

“The Brazilian referee and his assistants for Saturday’s England-United States game at the World Cup are brushing up on the lexicon of English-language obscenities and gestures.This morning, they observed video of the latest arrest of Amy Winehouse”

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Coming soon, the Pac 10-Big 10 matchup everyone has wanted to see in the Rose Bowl – Texas vs. Nebraska.

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Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open to any weekday between 3 and 4am.

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Blackhawks not down

June 10, 2010

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

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Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.

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The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

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Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.

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Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

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Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”

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The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.

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And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

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So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)

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Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)

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Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

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Superman comes to Washington…

June 9, 2010

Congrats to Stephen Strasburg, who got his first win today in his first start for the Nationals against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Now it will be exciting to see how he does in his next start, against major league hitting.

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Actually, with Strasburg’s next starts projected to be in interleague games against the last-place Indians, and the sub .500 White Sox and Royals, it may be a while until he sees major league hitting.

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But how much pressure is Strasburg under? Even Barack Obama said, “You know, I really think people in Washington expect him to be a miracle worker.”

Added the President “On the other hand, if he has any ideas about oil slicks…”

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A 3-year-old girl is recovering after suffering a fractured skull when she was hit by a line drive during batting practice at Dodger Stadium.

This wouldn’t happen in San Francisco. The Giants don’t hit balls that hard.

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This from reader Gary Morton: Amid continuing rumor and speculation in about conference re-alignment with college football teams, USC is considering accepting an invitation to join the NFC West.
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There is now talk that BP may be underestimating the daily amount of oil spilling into the Gulf. What, BP being less than honest and straightforward about numbers? It’s sort of like assuming Tiger Woods hasn’t been honest with Elin about his total of mistresses.

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Sarah Palin, complaining about the President’s lack of executive experience and thus response to the BP Oil Spill, says Obama should call her. And Barack Obama is thinking, she has no idea the things I’ve wanted to call her.

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Election thoughts.

Really low turnout in California for the primary elections. Amazing how many people don’t have time to vote, but have plenty of time to bitch about the results.

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Based on election results, it looks like the 49ers may be moving to Santa Clara. Scary thought, less people may have voted to bring the new stadium to Santa Clara than will actually fit in it to see a game.

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Gavin Newsom, who started out campaigning for Governor, ending up winning the California Democrat primary for Lieutenant Governor, a office he once called a “do-nothing” position. Based on his recent tenure as mayor, many San Franciscans think the job could be a perfect fit.

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Carly Fiorina at her victory celebration in the Republican Senate primary told a story of a woman who squeezed her hand and said “I’ve never voted before but I’m voting for you today.” That was awfully sweet of Meg Whitman.

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Swooning for sports in June

June 8, 2010

The World Cup starts later this week. Here’s a suggestion to stimulate U.S. interest in the event: Publish a 32 team bracket online and in major newspapers. Along with a statement saying any potential office betting pools would be strictly illegal.

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In the meantime, the end of the NBA playoffs is in sight. You know what that means. Pre-season basketball is just around the corner.

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Carlos Silva is off to the best start by a Cubs pitcher in 43 years – 8 and 0. Overall Chicago is 26-31. What would this year be like for Cubs fans without him? Ask fans of the Baltimore Orioles.

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Not to say the Nats’ latest top prospect, Bryce Harper, is young. But Jamie Moyer could be his grandfather. (Biologically just about true actually,, Moyer is 48, Harper is 17.)

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The Nationals say they won’t rush the young Harper to the big leagues. Just as well, they’ll have to prep all the umpires first, so they don’t yell at him “punk, get off my grass.”

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Bud Selig says he is “extremely comfortable” about his decision not to reverse Jim Joyce’s blown call in Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. Of course, this is the man who said last year, “The so-called “steroid era is clearly a thing of the past”.

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And Selig also indicates that he doesn’t want to expand instant replay because he’s a “traditionalist.” Bud thinks rule changes should be reserved for important things.

Important things like allowing, for example, a hanging curve ball from a relief pitcher on a cellar-dwelling team in a meaningless game, to determine home field advantage for the World Series.

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Selig has said he’s spoken to “several” baseball people who are against expanding instant replay. Translation, the Yankees don’t like the idea.
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After over a $100 million primary, on Tuesday California Republican voters will decide which gubernatorial candidate has done the best job of positioning themselves on the far right. And then the winner will spend another $100 million trying to convince voters in the general election that they didn’t mean it.
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What’s more bizarre? That Rush Limbaugh, who openly opposes gay marriage, asked Elton John to perform at his fourth wedding? Or that Sir Elton accepted?

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A bit of gallows humor – this BP oil spill looks like it may last longer than any of Limbaugh’s marriages.

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Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

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John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

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The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

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But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

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The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

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But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

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This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

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Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

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And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

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Delta’s new motto?

June 6, 2010

We’ll take a shot at it?

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A Delta Airlines flight attendant was arrested after trying to board a plane with a handgun in her purse.

And I feel embarrassed if TSA catches me with a bottle of nail polish.

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The woman was the second Delta employee that TSA caught within a month trying to bring a gun on board. (The other was an off-duty pilot.) In related news, Delta was voted the airline where passengers are now least likely to complain about the inflight movie.

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Just wondering – why dont they just retitle the FOX MLB Game of the Week the Yankees showcase and be done with it?

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The Belmont Stakes was won Saturday by a 13-1 longshot named “Drosselmeyer.”

Of course, with no chance for a Triple Crown winner this year, most Americans cared about the race as much as they will about the final round of the Memorial Golf tournament, with Tiger out of contention.

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Tom Petty concert tonight. These days there are just a few different things about a Petty concert –

For examples, when fans hold lighters in the air, they are actually using them to light something.

And the lines to the restrooms are only equalled by the lines at the “Jack in the Box” after the concert right across from the arena entrance. And maybe for Doritos at the closest 7-11.

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Plus of course as Petty nears 60 – this year – the songs change a bit “I need to know” (because I don’t remember), and Free Falling (but now I can’t get up.)

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Petty said the first time he played in the Oakland Arena was the late 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago that was, the Golden State Warriors were actually good.

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Four weddings and a funeral.

June 5, 2010

John Wooden passed away tonight at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said “So tragically young!”
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Wooden was by far the winningest college basketball coach in the Pac 8. Many NBA players now will wonder – what was the “Pac 8?” And given recent trends, no doubt it won’t be too many years before many of them as “what is college basketball?”

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Rush Limbaugh is getting married for the fourth time. This is shocking. There are four women in American stupid enough to consider marrying Limbaugh?

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And with this fourth wife, it now means Limbaugh has had more wives than our last three Democratic presidents COMBINED.

(True, Carter, Clinton, Obama are all on their first.)

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The woeful Orioles fired manager Dave Trembley Friday and replaced him with interim manager Juan Samuel. Question – isn’t the term “Orioles interim manager” redundant?

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Some wondered before the Stanley Cup finals if the Philadelphia Flyers even belonged on the same ice as the Chicago Blackhawks. And so far the verdict is… more than the San Jose Sharks.

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House Minority Leader John Boehner wants Paul McCartney to apologize for his comment upon receiving a Library of Congress award – “After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is.”

And to be fair, I am sure Laura has told W. what a library is, he just hasn’t been in one.

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An open question to baseball fans. If it had been a New York Yankees pitcher who was cheated out of a perfect game, ya think Bud Selig’s response would still basically have been “Accidents happen?”

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It’s only June and already 2011 calendars are on sale. I hear they’re selling particularly well near Wrigley Field.

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BP CEO Tony Hayward: “So far I’m unscathed … Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” On the Gulf Coast, along with the attempted beach cleanups, the hunt is on for sticks and stones.

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Instant nostalgia: Hard to believe only a couple months ago the biggest oil jokes involved Burger King’s “Double Down” sandwich.

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Great joke from Alan Ray: Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. He filled out his profile all wrong. Under education, he put “It’s complicated”.

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Lakers – Celtics – “The haves vs. the haves.”

June 4, 2010

Or perhaps the other motto for this NBA finals “Cinderella has left the building.

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In Washington D.C. to accept an award at the Library of Congress, Paul McCartney quipped “It’s nice to have a president again who knows what a library is.” Probably just as well though that Sir Paul didn’t ask the 48 year old Obama if he knew about the Beatles.

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Luckiest athlete as far as avoiding embarrassment this week? Serena Williams. How often does a number one ranked athlete in the world get upset at a major event, and it’s not even the top story on Sportscenter?

The sports world is still buzzing about Jim Joyce’s mistake at first base last night. It might be the most famous blown call in history. Or at least since when Bill Clinton was talking on the phone in the Oval Office while being serviced by Monica.

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Give Jim Joyce a lot of credit. He admitted making a mistake a lot faster than anyone connected with BP.

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Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga actually are turning out to be one of the classier sports stories of the year. As opposed to this one.

Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, already under fire for accepting free Lakers tickets, nonetheless went to the opening game of the finals. As reported in the Los Angeles Times:

“I am going to the Lakers game tonight,”he said. “And I’ve made it very clear, as I understand the rules and regulations, it is not a reportable gift when I am in an official capacity. I will be going tonight in an official capacity.”

Can’t imagine how the Lakers did it without him.

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And commissioner Bud Selig is apparently not going to reverse the bad call that denied Armando Galarraga a perfect game. But he should. It was the most embarrassing sports story to come out of Detroit in recent memory, well, not involving the Detroit Lions.

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A T and T is eliminating unlimited data plans for their smartphones. So customers who want to stay in touch with friends may have to actually use the phones to make calls.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Jose Canseco says that he could’ve been a professional bowler.I don’t know about that–he’s always had trouble staying out of the gutter”

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Naptime is now any time for Junior.

June 3, 2010

Ken Griffey, Jr, 40, announced his retirement today from Major League Baseball. And Jamie Moyer, 48, commented “So young?”

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or

Ken Griffey. Jr. 40, just announced his retirement. So far this season he was batting .184 with no home runs and seven RBIs. But considering his age and stats, it won’t be long until he gets an offer from the San Francisco Giants.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the Giants’ not trying to sign Dontrelle Willis, he of the latest $12 million disappointing contract “Of course they wouldn’t try to sign Willis – he can hit.”

(and yes, Dontrelle Willis, whatever his faults has long been considered one of the best hitting pitchers in Major League Baseball.)

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The Tigers’ Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game Wednesday night, except for the umpire’s admitted error in calling the batter safe at first with two outs in the ninth.

It was the worst call in Detroit history, well, at least since GM decided to build the Chevy Vega.

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This could go down in history as Major League Baseball’s first “28 up-28 down” perfect game.

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Give first-base umpire Jim Joyce some credit, however, for manning up and saying “I just cost that kid a perfect game.”

There were 20 perfect games in history before tonight. Wonder if there’s been 20 times an umpire said “I made a mistake?”

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Another day, another problem with BP’s equipment and their efforts to cap their damaged oil well. Maybe they shouldn’t be buying all this stuff from ACME corporation.

(Says Alex Kaseberg in a “great minds” – BP is starting to make Wil E. Coyote look like a genius)

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Just wondering, if we waterboard terrorists to get the answers that might save our country, how long until someone suggests “oilboarding” executives at BP?

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Now Serena is out of the French Open. This has turned out to be the year that Americans in Paris have fallen faster than “Drill Baby Drill” signs now in Louisiana.

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An Alaska newspaper has warned writer Joe McGinniss that Sarah Palin has a right to shoot to protect her property. But does any politcial reporter really need to be told that someone who wanted to be a Republican vice-president has a gun and is not afraid to use it?
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So, no more “winning one for the Tipper.”

June 2, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. Okay, who’d a thunk this? The longest married American political couple, without any divorce history, might end up being Bill and Hillary Clinton.

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Al and Tipper Gore say their separation is amicable and there is no affair involved. Makes sense, the cheating Al has likely been doing is on his diet.

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For the Gores’ sakes let’s hope it’s just that the couple has grown apart, and that the tabloids won’t soon be full of “Inconvenient Truths.”

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And if the separation comes to divorce, Al in particular will want to settle this by mediation. He doesn’t have a good history with the courts.

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Ah for the good old days, when the biggest post-Katrina disaster story out of Louisiana was JaMarcus Russell.

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The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup?

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The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks.

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The World Cup will actually be starting late next week. Although most Americans are likely to ignore it. Sort of like any golf tournament without Tiger.

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Latest give-away promotion idea at A T and T Park – Orange and black paper bag night. And during the game fans can watch to see if the Giants can hit their way out of one.

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Dontrelle Willis was traded with cash by the Detroit Tigers to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Willis had been a huge disappointment for the Tigers, who had given him a 3 year $29 million contract extension, for a 2-8 overall mark and an ERA near 7.

One question, how did Dontrelle ever sign such a deal with Detroit and not Brian Sabean?

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Star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom decided not to retire at the age of 40, and signed a one year contract with the Detroit Red Wings at a “slight” paycut from $7.5 to $6.2 million.

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Guess it seemed only appropriate for him to give the team a senior discount.
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Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, now up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals, have not seen their team win the NHL championship since 1961. 49 years!

“Wimps” – responded Cubs fans.

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Here’s the pitch

June 1, 2010

Ubaldo Jiminez outdueled Tim Lincecum Monday afternoon in San Francisco in a 4-0 Rockies win. But to be fair, Lincecum didn’t have the advantage of pitching against the Giants lineup.

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On Tuesday June 1, the Florida Marlins will sell unused tickets to the game in which the Roy Halladay of the Phillies pitched a perfect game, a 1-0 victory over the Marlins on May 30.

While I sympathize with the team’s desire to make money, doesn’t that cheapen it for the hundreds of people who were actually there?

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The Nationals have announced that highly touted prospect Stephen Strasburg will make his first start in Washington June 8 against the Pittsburg Pirates. Disappointing all those who wanted to see his debut against major league pitching.

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As the Celtics prepare to meet the Lakers in the NBA finals, some people think that the team mailed it in for much of the regular season. Not saying there’s any truth to that, but Boston was named the official team of the U.S. Post Office.

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Senator David Vitter from Louisiana says he still supports off-shore oil drilling, despite the BP disaster, because otherwise every time there is a plane crash, we should “oppose air travel.” Last time I checked, however, plane crashes, while awful, don’t spread wreckage over several states and potentially destroy ecosystems.

Vitter, you may remember, is the congressman who was caught in a prostitution scandal both in New Orleans and in Washington. How embarrassing. Many of the prostitutes involved are now ashamed to have been with someone who’s such a whore for BP.

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One of those “TMI” subplots with Vitter’s prostitution scandal was that the congressman had a bit of a diaper fetish. Wonder if he’s thinking diapers now might help stop the oil leaks.

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Celene Dion is apparently pregnant with twins. Assuming a healthy and successful pregnancy she plans to take some time off from singing. Which means good wishes are flowing in from all over the world.

from Marc Ragovin:

So we just celebrated Memorial Day, which is the unofficial start of summer. And the official end of the Pirates’ season.

and from Bill Littlejohn:

On the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey being selected to host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl: “The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice.’’

(I’ve got to think that with the probable freezing temperatures, all any woman performance will need is to go bra-less for a “wardrobe malfunction.”)

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?

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Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

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The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?

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Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

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John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”

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Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

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Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.

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Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”

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from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

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And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

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Ballot time?

May 27, 2010

And a question. Did they count American Idol votes in Florida?

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Art Linkletter died today at the age of 97. Shocking news to many Americans who didn’t realize he was still alive.

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At Linkletter’s funeral, there are no long speeches planned, but attendees are urged to say “the darndest things.”

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British Petroleum refers to their latest operation to try to stop their gushing oil spill as “top kill.’ Which actually might be a good term to describe what millions of Americans want to do with BP executives.

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The Orlando Magic not only have won the last two games of the NBA Eastern Conference finals, they have looked good doing it. So while the Celtics are still leading 3-2, there is talk they could actually lose this thing. Which would be the biggest collapse in Boston sports history… well, since last week anyway.
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A cleaning crew at Philadelphia airport at 4am found a women passenger still asleep on a United Express regional jet. The cabin crew apparently failed to notice her when the plane landed around midnight. This is beyond shocking – someone can actually sleep on one of those little planes?

(A couple of my friends who fly regularly have added “they actually CLEAN those planes?”)

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The University of Kansas is investigating a ticket scalping scheme whereby over $1 million of tickets in the last five years were sold inappropriately by athletic department employees. This would never happen at Stanford – in the past five years they haven’t sold $1 million in tickets.

Although at USC $1 million might be the budget for paying football and basketball players for their summer jobs.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers are suing comedian Jon Lovitz. It’s for non-payment of season tickets. (Which the team resold.) Other comedians around the country were glad to find out the reason – because if joking about a baseball team becomes a lawsuit worthy offense, the Cubs could bankrupt every joke writer in America.

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Joe Biden said today that he did NOT serve in Vietnam, and joked about not making a “Blumenthal mistake.” Meanwhile in Idaho, Vaughn Ward lost his primary race after a plagiarized speech many are calling a “Biden mistake.”

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The University of Michigan is hoping their self-imposed sanctions will keep the NCAA from imposing harsher sanctions on their football program. Besides, with an 8-16 record over the past two years, it’s like suspending a .200 hitter for performance-enhancing drugs.

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The San Francisco Giants have become one of the worst hitting teams in baseball over the last month, and now their ace, Tim Lincecum, has been rocked in two straight starts. The team’s motto this year, (which refers to their ballpark) “There’s magic inside.”

Maybe it’s time to see what can be done about taking the spell off.

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Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

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The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

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Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

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Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

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Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

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Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

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But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

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Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

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Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

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Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

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