Left Coast Sports Babe

Thought for the day. With the U.S. unemployment rate around 10 percent, how come so many idiots still have jobs?
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Michael Vick’s agent said there is “no chance” Vick signs with the Redskins. Or as “no chance” means in Brett Favre lexicon – “definitely maybe.”

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But actually, lets take him at his word.

Michael Vick’s agent says there is no chance the disgraced quarterback signs with the Redskins. Yeah, with a record of scandal like his the only way Vick ends up in Washington is if he is elected.

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Brighter news from Washington, the Nationals are playing more respectably recently, and even had an eight game winning streak. Why, if they go 42 and 7 in their last 49 games, they could even finish at .500.

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The new UFL (United Football League) team in San Francisco is owned by Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It will be named the San Francisco Redwoods. Wonder where he got that idea? The trees are an ageless attraction in Northern California and even when at their oldest become beautiful petrified wood.
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On the other hand, the Las Vegas UFL team will be known as the “Las Vegas Locomotives.” Locomotives? No one has thought about trains in Las Vegas since Starlight Express.

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“In the new film ‘Julie and Julia’, Julie Child, who was 6′ 2″, is played by Meryl Streep, who is 5’6″. Who did the cinematography? Tom Cruise’s wedding photographer?

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From Bill Littlejohn , who gets an assist on the premise for the above joke:

Archaeologists believed that they have found the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman Emperor who built the Colosseum.They’ve narrowed it down to two hospitals in Honolulu”

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Finally, I didn’t write this, and I don’t know who did. It was told to me by a friend from Nashville. If you are easily offended stop reading now.

Farrah Fawcett died last month and immediately went to heaven. God said to her, “Farrah, you have have done amazing work on earth, what can I do for you now in heaven?” And Farrah said, “God, please save the children.”

And God said, “Poof. Here’s Michael Jackson.”

A Republican Senator, Chuck Grassley, said that President Obama doesn’t know how Congress works. How ridiculous. Senator Grassley thinks Congress actually works?

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Eli Manning has just signed a six-year $97 million contract with the New York Giants. Amazing. He will earn almost half what his brother does on commercials.

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And although overall travel is down, an increasingly lucrative business for U.S. airlines is collecting ticket change fees when customers change their minds. Over $2 billion a year. Which is means a potential great airline endorsement contract for Brett Favre.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has been revisiting the his 2006 affair with his friend and campaign manager’s wife? Specifically he has said in two magazine profiles: “There’s a story that’s never been told…Things were much more benign than they actually appeared in print.”

Is this man reading from the same damage control playbook as Mark Sanford??

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Speaking of playbooks, several NFL teams have banned fans and reporters from Tweeting during training-camp practices, including the Detroit Lions. Yeah, I could see how the Lions would hate for anyone to steal any of their secrets for success.

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Inspired by the very funny Jerry Perisho, who noted that a survey finds that men spend on average 43 minutes a day ogling the opposite sex, while women spend 20 minutes.

And that women’s number would be a lot lower if they didn’t count all the time Sarah Palin spends watching Russians from her house.

Both of these items from this post are true. From an unnamed midwestern state. Names changed in the second to protect…well, maybe this girl from her parents.

Item one. A package of peanuts in the shell from “Sweet Nut-things” Gift Shoppe. Ingredients list: Peanuts, salt.

But in a box on the label “Allergy information: This product was handled/manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and other tree nuts.”

No kidding.

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The second is a bit sad. Let’s call the girl Susie Q. This is a 1/12 page ad in a metropolitan newspaper. NOTHING below has been exaggerated, only a few lines, mostly of identifying details, have been left out.

The headline “Local Young Lady Competes for the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City.”

The ad.

“Hi, my name is Susie Q. I am eight years old. I will be in 4th grade, I enjoy learning and playing with exotic birds with My Grandma. I am very creative and opinionated with ideas. I have participated as a cheerleader and took 2nd place at nationals. My role model is Gabriella Montez AKA Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical. I would like to thank you in advance for your time and support.

I was recently selected to participate in Nationals’ 2009 Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City pageant.”

Then the ad abruptly switches to third person.

“Susie Q learned of her acceptance as Nationals Inc announced their selections on Monday. Susie Q will be competing for her share of thousands of dollars in prizes and specialty gifts. Susie will be competing in the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen division, which will have young ladies competing in modeling routings which include casual wear and formal wear. Most important, Susie will display her personality and interviewing skills.

If Susie were to win the title, she would represent the city and surrounding communities at the Cities of America National Competition in Orlando, Florida. Over $60,000 in prizes and awards will be presented while each winner enjoys this expense paid trip of five nights and six days.

There is no cost to Susie Q for participating. Community business, organizations, and private individuals will assist Susie in participatng by becoming an official sponsor to her. Through sponsorship, each contestant receives all the necessary training, rehearsals, and financial support which will allow Susie to become a very confident and well-prepared contestant in this years city pageant.

Any business, organization, or private individual who may be interested in becoming a sponser may contact Susie Q’s pageant coordinator at 1-800-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you again for your suppprt. Susie Q.”

There is also a picture of a girl with her hair piled on her head in an up-do, holding a rose.

I actually grew up a big Miss America fan, and more power to women if they can use them for scholarships etc. Susie Q is EIGHT YEARS OLD.

So on the Bachelorette finale, Jillian chose Ed, the guy who says he’s been married to his job. Let’s hope if they do tie the knot, that in 10 years he doesn’t tell her he’s hiking the Appalachian trail, when he’s really sneaking off to work.

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And since women readers are more likely to have read the first item. Okay, two more cents on the Gates-Crowley incident. Did race play a part? Possibly. Did gender play a bigger part, Probably. Sure looks like from the outside like a clear-cut case of testosterone poisoning.

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For guys who are saying, no way. Okay, just imagine EITHER participant was a woman. Same ending? I think not. Maybe at most a sexual harrassment lawsuit later. Or if both were women, maybe a catfight for the ages on Youtube.

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Family Guy apparently had to pull a completed episode from airing because Fox found the abortion subject matter too controversial. Yeah, I guess it could offend Family Guy viewers with delicate sensibilities. Both of them.

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The Rose Bowl will now be open to more teams under a new BCS ruling, including teams from non-major conferences. Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany calls it “lightened standards” to accommodate the BCS. Right. As opposed to the lightened academic standards for USC.

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On Monday, San Francisco traded a minor league pitcher for Ryan Garko. SI.com referred to the Giants as “light-hitting.” Isn’t that like referring to Joe Biden as light-reticent?

Or Paris Hilton as light-skanky?

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated by the NFL immediately, and suggested that any thought of extending the quarterback’s suspension would be similar to “kicking a dead horse.”

At least he didnt say kicking a “dead dog.”

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T.O. thinks banishment should be reserved for really serious crimes. Like not passing him the ball.

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Monday night is the season finale of Bachelorette. Which means millions of women will be tuned in to the televison set, and millions of men will be saying to their bosses, “So really, isn’t there some reason you want me to work late tonight?

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Apparently former President George W. Bush once seriously considered sending troops into Buffalo. I guess someone told him about all the oil in those Buffalo Hot Wings.

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Today marks exactly three years from the start of the London Olympics. And three years and 10-12 hours until NBC tape delays the broadcast.

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And in three days, Brett Favre will announce whether or not he will play football in 2009. In four days, he will announce he felt pressured to make a decision.
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Shaquille O’Neal will apparently star in his own reality show competing against athletes from different sports. Forget other sports…I’d just like to see him compete against Rick Barry.

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Today, Sarah Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska, but insisted she will take her talents to a larger stage. I think I speak for all aspiring comedy writers everywhere when I say “Thank Heaven

Sarah Palin on a larger stage?! In other words, Tina Fey’s 401k plan.

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In the first ever Notre Dame Japan Bowl, played in the Tokyo Done, the Notre Dame Legends, a group of football alumni dating back to the 1970s, beat Team Japan 19-3.

Leaving aside all the jokes about the Fighting Irish finally finding a bowl they can win, the Japan team has asked for an easier opponent next year, like the Detroit Lions.

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Barry Bonds still insists he did not use steroids, despite witnesses saying he was given them.. But maybe Bonds has a point. Being given something doesn’t necessarily mean using it. All the SF Giants hitters this year, for instance, were given a supply of bats.

Americans are evenly split over whether Michael Vick should be allowed to return to professional football. 30 percent say yes, 30 percent say no, and 40 percent say he should be allowed to return but only if he plays for the Detroit Lions.

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The last surviving British World War I vet, Harry Patch, died at the age of 111. Apparently he had been heartbroken since that “nice young man” Tom Watson just missed winning the British Open.

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The New York Mets, solidly mired in fourth place in the NL East, don’t have a slogan for 2009. But they are considering “Thank God for the Nationals.”

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Brad Pitt said in an interview he doesn’t believe in God. Well, I can see that, I mean, considering his looks, his career, his two marriages, it’s understandable the guy would be bitter.

Of course, to be fair, the concept of God does include the idea that the afterlife will be better.

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In the nature vs. nature department, Comic Con has to be considered a point for the nuture side. Because if interpersonal skills are hereditary, how were all those attendees born in the first place?

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Latest potential reality show – Jon minus Kate – Inebri-8-ed.

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President Obama has been trying to cut the defense budget. Alas, he may need to increase our surveillance budget, now that Sarah Palin is retired and no longer keeping an eye on Russia from her house.

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An increasing number of luxury hotels have been entering foreclosure. Well, yeah, in these days between the economy and the media, many politicians have had to cut back on visits with their mistresses.

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The Mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey, was arrested on corruption charges for allegedly taking tens of thousands of dollars in bribes. He has only been in office three weeks. Or as they call that in Illinois, a fast learner.
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Within the last week we have lost both Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua and Oscar Mayer. In their honor a moment of silence was observed by both college students and lipsuction doctors.

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Gidget lived to the age of 15, which is over 105 in human years. Making it a certainty that she was yet another celebrithy endorser who didn’t consume her product.

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Three New Jersey mayors were arrested in a corruption scheme. Rumor has it the judge may throw the book at them, requiring to serve as mayors in the state for life.

Lebron James revealed in a new book that he smoked marijuana in high school. As opposed to the most of the rest of the NBA, who probably smoked it last night?

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The San Francisco Giants are promoting an August 12 special event titled “Slumber Party on the Field.” But really, isn’t that what the Giants offense has been doing for the last month.

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Congrats to Mark Buehrle, who pitched the first perfect game in Major League Baseball this year. And apparently his outing was asterisk free – no hints of performance enhancing drugs, and he wasn’t pitching against the Nationals.