Left Coast Sports Babe

The latest celebrity to buy a minority ownership in the Miami Dolphins is Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony. And hey, the man may not know much about quarterbacks, receivers and tackles. But he sure is an expert on ends.

John McCain apologized to Jackson Browne because portions of “Running on Empty” were used without permission in a 2008 campaign ad mocking Barack Obama. Browne accepted the apology, and said he wouldn’t have minded a more appropriate song match, like a Sarah Palin ad using “The Pretender.”

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Some pervert taped and released a video of ESPN’s Erin Andrews undressing in her hotel room. I do suppose we can all be glad he didn’t do the same thing to John Madden.

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Stewart Cink appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. To be fair, Letterman also asked Tom Watson, but they couldn’t tape in time for him with make dinner with the “Early Bird Special.”

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Manny Ramirez just returned from his female fertility drug suspension and he is already listed as ‘day to day” after being hit in the hand by a pitch. X-rays were negative, but there are rumors Manny broke a nail.

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Manny Ramirez says he is happy to be back with the Dodgers after his female fertility druge ban and he is even willing to discuss a contract extension. As long as he and management can sit down and have a long talk about their relationship.

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For anyone who remembers the late, great Johnny Carson.

The moon landing was 40 years ago.

The Toronto Maple Leafs last won the Stanley Cup 42 years ago.

The Carnac question. “Name two incredible things we may never again see in our lifetime”

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Actually, 1969 was not only the year men landed on the moon, it was the year the Washington Nationals- at that time the Montreal Expos – got their start. When asked, President Obama said that he could at some point see returning to the moon, but that the Nationals were a lost cause.

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Paula Abdul may not be back on American Idol. Where is America going to find another dynamic, attractive, middle aged woman who loves appearing on televison and speaks regularly in complete gibberish? Wait, now we may know the real reason Sarah Palin quit Alaska.

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Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, just signed a book contract. No word if it’s to write one or to read one.

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Manny Ramirez seems to be settling in nicely back into the Dodgers lineup. Okay, there was that one little skirmish in the clubhouse when Manny insisted they turn the channel to Bachelorette.
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So Tom Watson left the British Open without the Claret Jug trophy. Just as well, with that hip replacement did he really need one more problem going through airport security?

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When all those asterisks are someday totaled up in baseball’s record books, which will be more tainted – home runs hit in the steroid era, or home runs hit in the new Yankee Stadium?

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You know the new Yankee Stadium might be a problem when the umpire calls infield fly and the ball sails out for a grand slam.

Today’s entry being written from Las Vegas, which truly is the world’s people watching capital. And perhaps America’s last PC free zone.

The only place you see bikinis and high heels outside of a beauty pageant.

And where this rule from the fashion police is regularly broken. Your skirt size, in inches, should be a larger number than your dress size.
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Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino has a branch of “Starlight Tattoo” in their shopping area. Okay, maybe we will never be able to tighten gun laws in this country. But it sure seems like in Vegas just MAYBE there should be a 24 hour waiting period for a tattoo.

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MGM Grand has a great lion habitat. The lions live in a hermetically sealed clear enclosure where they can see, but not smell or hear, humans watching outside. And the lions seem pretty happy.

For those who read Gourmet regularly, for all those great looking meals you can look at but will never eat, it’s kind of the same thing. Food porn for lions.
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One of many surprising sights in Vegas. A young man wearing a Clippers jersey. The only thing missing was his girlfriend with the shirt “I’m with stupid.”

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But really, a Clippers jersey in public? Even Cubs fans are saying “that’s pathetic.”

Will the headlines from the British Open read “Turnberry puts Tiger in the Tank?”

For CBS Sports, who will be televising the Open this weekend, this is a painful cut of Lenora Bobbitt proportions.

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It’s happened again, this time involving a former Republican Congressman Chip Pickering, whose wife is now suing his former mistress for “alienation of affection” resulting in their divorce. Pickering also lived in the same “Christian Fellowship” home on “C” street in D.C. with Senator Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford.

I’m beginning to think that “C” stands for Cad.

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(Although, suing the mistress? Who enticed poor Representative Pickering? I think Larry Craig might be a more sympathetic figure.)

Notre Dame will play Navy next year in the first football game in the new Yankee Stadium in 2010. Wonder how New York came up with the idea of inviting the Fighting Irish? They might just be the most over-hyped and over-exposed team in college football, despite their dismal recent postseason record…. Oh, never mind.

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Tina Fey received an Emmy nomination for her impersonation of Sarah Palin. But how did Palin herself not get an acting nomination for her portrayal of a viable vice-presidential candidate?
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For that matter, how did the Emmy’s overlook Mark Sanford for best performance in a comedy mini-series?

(Though to be fair, perhaps they are waiting to see if the show gets picked up for further episodes.)

Barack Obama has been criticized by fashionistas for the “mom jeans” he wore to the All-Star game. In his defense, the President said he had just bought a pair suggested by Manny Ramirez.
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Former VP Dick Cheney has been accused of running a secret CIA program that no one was aware of. In his defense, Cheney said the program was in full view as part of NBC’s primetime lineup.

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Jamie Moyer pitched 7 innings of one-hit ball against the Marlins Thursday night. It was Moyer’s best outing since he pitched in the deadball era.

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A woman in a Florida restroom was accidentally shot when someone in a nearby stall dropped her gun and it accidentally discharged. Does this mean Plaxico Burris was taking fertility drugs?

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The NRA immediately issued a statement after the incident saying, “Guns don’t shoot people, slippery bathroom floors shoot people.”

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So it now turns out that the parents of Senator John Ensign paid almost $100,000 to the family of his erstwhile mistress. So much for all those kids who felt guilty about asking their parents to chip in to help pay for a limo for a romantic prom date?

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Brett Favre said he will absolutely make a final decision about playing this year by July 30. “That’s really exciting” said absolutely nobody.

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One good thing for Favre, he has played in the era where coaches call in plays from the sidelines. Can you imagine being in the huddle when Brett was trying to decide what play to run?

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Across Canada, camps are having to quarantine or send kids home in hopes of trying to avoid spreading the swine flu virus. Unforunately there’s no longer the option of isolating children from other people by taking them to an Expos game.

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Paul McCartney opens a U.S. tour at the Mets’ new Citi Field this week. Fans are very excited, they can finally go to the stadium with expectations of seeing hits.

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More from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who if he had more exposure, could rival Joe Biden and Sarah Palin:

He said the Pittsburgh Pirates are “on the right track.” The Pirates are well on their way of their 17th consecutive losing season. It may be the right track, but it’s the wrong direction.

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Selig also said that “Steroid use is a societal problem, not a baseball problem.” Well, at this point if steroids would act as a performance enchancing drug for GM and AIG, for starters, society wouldn’t consider it a problem at all.

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The Phillies have signed Pedro Martinez to a one year contract. At this point, injuries have been such a problem Philadelphia is willing to try anything. Brett Myers has already had hip surgery, and they worry that any day now Jamie Moyer will need a hip replacement.

A Southwest Airlines plane landed safely Monday with a football-sized hole in its fuselage. Unlike other major airlines, Southwest did not charge passengers extra for the fresh air.

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The former Montreal Expos, now the Washington Nationals, have the worst record in baseball at the All-Star Break. So much for all those who say it’s only a one way street of the U.S. exporting shoddy entertainment to Canada.

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The Nationals fired their manager Manny Acta. Which is shocking, usually for results that bad in Washington you don’t get fired, you get re-elected.

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Bud Selig has stated again that baseball is now basically steroid free. And the sport has certainly not done anything to encourage the use of performance enchancing drugs. He made the statement before the All Star Game’s Home Run Derby.

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Well, we may have had a week without any big new scandals, but in Arkansas recently, Republican senate candidate Curtis Coleman said that to go to the southeast part of the state means mean you “might as well get a visa and shots.” He later said he was “heartbroken” that this was interpreted as meaning southeast Arkansas is like a third world country.

Not at all, actually, you don’t need shots or visas for many third world countries.

His latest followup comment. “It is a thousand more times more likely that I am stupid than I am racist.” This could be true, but I would say he is batting 1,000 on both.

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Regarding Steve McNair’s funeral, and yeah, it’s probably a little soon to joke. But in all seriousness too, you have to wonder, how many his fellow NFL players attending the funeral and eulogizing him in the media have to be thinking “there but for the grace of God and/or gun laws…

Suppose CFL (Canadian Football League) teams would probably be above using in their recruitment pitches to US players… “tighter gun laws.”

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And another exhibit of why it’s just a little different in Canada:

This letter, to the Globe and Mail. a national paper published from Toronto, and written by one Ted Wright from Nova Scotia.

“I’m confused. A pop star, whose accomplishments far exceed those of Mohammed, Newton, Christ, Gutenberg, Pasteur, Michelangelo and Euclid combined, passes away, and yet you insist devoting space in your newspaper to G8 summit meetings among world leaders that could determine whether or not the human race will survive the next three decades. What’s that all about?”

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On the Canadian sports scene, the CFL season has started and the Grey Cup (the Canadian equivalent of the Super Bowl) champion Calgary Stampeders are 0-2. And the hapless Hamilton Tigercats, (the Canadian equivalent of the Detroit Lions) actually are 1-1 after knocking off the B.C. Lions, a playoff team last season.

So for NFL fans, this might mean that the Pittsburgh Steelers shouldn’t get too cocky, and the Detroit Lions actually could have some hope for next season….. (Well, maybe we shouldn’t get too excited about the Lions.)

Then there’s whoever says they had Jonathan Sanchez in the “next Giant to throw a no-hitter” pool.

For non-hardcore fans, Sanchez started the year as a starting pitcher, was demoted to the bullpen after four lousy starts in a row, and only started tonight’s game because Randy Johnson was hurt. My guess is he’ll get another start.

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While Giants manager Bruce Bochy is at it, maybe he should demote Barry Zito for a few weeks.

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Sanchez’s no-hitter was almost perfect, the only baserunner coming on a fielding error. And the only potential asterisk – he threw it against the Padres.

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In fact, Tim Lincecum also threw a no-hitter into the 7th last night against those same Padres. At this point, only the Padres’ website is getting hits.

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When Padres’ fans were asking if the team should fire their hitting coach, the responses were equally divided. Half the fans said “Yes,” the others responded “We HAVE a hitting coach?”
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In hockey, Colorado Avalanche star Joe Sakic announced his retirement after 20 years, saying, “every athlete has to decide when its time to move on…” And Brett Favre added “not exactly.”

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Embattled and embarrassing Illinois Senator Roland Burris said he will not run again in 2010, but he will serve out his current term. This might be the only time in history that Democrats look wistfully at the actions of Sarah Palin.

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78 turtles ended up causing delays earlier this week at JFK by crawling onto the runway. Fortunately, the turtles were not harmed and still made it off the runway faster than most JetBlue flights.

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Tacky jokes to follow:

Senator John Ensign’s family gave almost $100,000 to his former mistress and her family. I guess you could call this a stimulus package for stimulating his package….?

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And from Bill Littlejohn.

Now that the Michael Jackson funeral extravaganza is over, rumor has it Joey Chestnut also wants to rent the Staples Center, for a tribute to Oscar Mayer.

How long did Sunday’s epic five set match last at Wimbledon between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick? By the time it was over, Brett Favre had un-retired and retired three times.

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How long was the match? NBC may get around to showing it on tape-delay by Monday.

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Roger Federer’s Wimbledon win gave him 15 Grand Slams. Or as Joey Chestnut calls 15 Grand Slams, a light breakfast.

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Just wondering, in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest, are Tums considered a performance enhancing drug?

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Reportedly Alaskans have asked Tina Fey if she wants to finish out Governor Sarah’s Palin’s term. She looks the same, sounds more articulate, and has been spending about the same amount of time recently in Alaska.
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Sarah Palin’s speech has been compared to Richard Nixon’s famous “Checkers” speech. Actually, the original plan for her speech involved a gift puppy. But it looked a bit wolf-like, and unfortunately Sarah shot it.

(No hate mail from PETA please, I am not condoning shooting puppies.)
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Vice President Biden said that he and President Obama “misread” the severity of the recession. And former President Bush said “See what can go wrong when you read?”

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Arizona has passed a law allowing people to bring guns into bars. In related news, Plaxico Burress immediately instructed his agent to start negotiating with the Cardinals.

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The San Francisco Giants have two pitchers on the All-Star Team, Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. The last time that happened was back in the 1960s – those pre-performance enhancing asterisk days. One of the Giants pitchers named was Juan Marichal, the other – Gaylord Perry.

Sarah Palin said she resigned as Governor of Alaska because she had a “higher calling.” I like the one about hiking the Applachian Trail better.

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Alaskan Lt. Governor Sean Parnell, who will succeed Governor Sarah Palin after she leaves office this month, called Palin “Alaska’s greatest gift to the United States.” Greatest gift to the United States? Well…maybe not exactly. Greatest gift to U.S. comedy writers?. Absolutely.

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But give Palin credit on another front, if David Letterman was planning on taking the weekend off, he’s now been spending it working for Monday – as in “The Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Quit.”

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Sarah Palin noted as one of the reasons she quit that as a lame-duck Governor, since she was not running again in 2010, that she really couldn’t do anything good for the state. Residents of South Carolina are responding “Yeah, what she said.”

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Although, let’s be fair. Governor Palin was inaugurated in December 2006. She served an entire year and a half before she was chosen as John McCain’s running mate. And has been back in the state, off and on, since the election was over. So that’s two and a half years – with time off for campaigning, speaking, and fundraising – out of a four year term. And the media dares to call her a quitter??

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Although the Philadelphia Phillies are in first place, they have one of the worst records in their home ballpark of any team in baseball. In fact, their home to road scoring ratio is worse than anyone’s, with the possible exception of Bill Clinton. (or Mark Sanford.)

By the way, anyone else rooting for Tim Lincecum and Tim Wakefield to start the All Star game? Only about 20 years and 40 mph between them.

And congratulations to Joey Chestnut, three time winner of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. So the Japanese are putting our automakers out of business. Americans still rule when it comes to eating.

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And a belated happy Fourth of July. The way things are going in the U.S., you have to wonder if they aren’t celebrating in Britain too – as in the 233th anniversary of “It’s not our problem.”