Archive for January 2012

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Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

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But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

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Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

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For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

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Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

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Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

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Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

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Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

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For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

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Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

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After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

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Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

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Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

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Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

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Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

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They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

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A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

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Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.

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3 16

January 9, 2012

Yes, you cannot make this “stuff” up, Tim Tebow threw for 3 16 yards tonight. Coincidentally the number of his favorite bible verse.

Not to be confused with Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite 3 16 – three 16 year olds. (Okay, okay, so the alleged victim was 20. He was 28.)

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But really, First play in overtime. Okay, that’s it, God is just f*cking with us.

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John Elway has to be feeling pretty good about telling Tim Tebow to “”pull the trigger.” But if John’s going to toss around phrases like that, it’s probably a good thing the Broncos hadn’t traded for Plaxico Burress.

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Fortunately a Denver-New Orleans Super Bowl is still a longshot. Because what’s God going to do if and when Tebow faces the Saints?

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All this talk about Tim Tebow thinking he’s God. Clearly for much of Sunday the critics were wrong. Tebow didn’t think he is God, he though he was Steve Young.

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From T.C “Big Ben supposedly heard muttering to himself as he left the field after 1 play in OT – There is no God.”
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Anyone watch the Godaddy.com Bowl? Yeah, me neither.

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All this talk about if Atlanta had only not gone for those two 4th and inches plays…. The way I see it, that would have made the score 24-9.

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Kiefer Sutherland said that filming on the new “24” movie will start in the spring. Presumably the first scenes will be shot between 9:00 and 10:00am.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said today he’s not giving up on the GOP presidential primary. And compared himself to the fighters who rode back into the Alamo. Now, I wholeheartedly honor those brave Texans who fought in San Antonio, but does Perry know they all ended up dead?

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Beyonce named her baby girl, “Blue Ivy.” So when did they print the memo that says that if you’re a celebrity it’s your duty to name your kids something stupid?

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Poor Kristen Wiig. Not that her career is doing that badly with “Bridesmaids” and SNL. But watching her again on “Weekend Update” reminded me that her Michele Bachmann impersonation, which she won’t have much call to do now, is ALMOST as good as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin.

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Think we can now safely rule out a Newt-Mitt ticket: Gingrich on Romney’s saying that he was a one-term Gov.in Mass. because he wanted to return to private life. “Could we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?? You had a very bad re-election rating; you dropped out…. You were running for president while you were governor, you were out of state consistently.”

(You do have to love a man who has been married three times but still endorses the Defense of Marriage Act telling ANYONE to “cut the pious baloney.”)

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And yes, we Stanford fans need to get over it. Eventually. But let’s see, in this past week at the end of a tie game, we’ve now seen a coach with the best QB in college go conservative and run, and a coach with one of the worst QBs in the NFL risk disaster by going for the big pass….

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Saints be praised.

January 8, 2012

For anyone who wanted to see what Andrew Luck would be like with really good receivers, I refer you to highlights of Drew Brees tonight against the Lions.

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Not to say the Saints were unstoppable. But in the second half, they were scoring faster than Tiger Woods during his marriage in a room full of waitresses.

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Barry J. Sanders, who committed today to Stanford, said he looks forward to playing with other great “student-athletes.” The number one response from most other top high-school football recruits? “What’s a student-athlete?”

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Amazing thought. When this season started, Houston QB T.J. Yates was further down the depth chart than Tim Tebow.

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By the time most people read this, Saturday night’s GOP debate will have been eclipsed by Sunday morning’s debate. If eclipsed is the right word. But for now, so much for the rest of the GOP field beating up on Mitt Romney. The Detroit Lions defense did a better job against Drew Brees.

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Apparently catcher Jorge Posada has decided to retire from playing Major League Baseball. Many fans who watched the Yankees play in 2010 think he already did.

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An actual serious post, Jan 8 is the one-year anniversary of the horrible shooting in Tucson that killed six people and critically injured Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. While recovering, Giffords hasn’t decided whether or not to run again in 2012. Here’s a thought, let her husband run, hold the seat for two years, and then step down assuming she has recovered sufficiently by 2014.

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Headline about newly published “The Obamas’: Book Reveals Friction Between Rahm Emanuel, Michelle Obama.” Uh, really? Wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Rahm Emanuel didn’t have friction with someone?

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Mitt Romney said Saturday night that it ‘pains him to fire workers in order to make a company more profitable.” Sounds like the grownup version of the old parents’ spanking comment “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” And about as believable.

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Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama is working on his re-election strategy. Number one campaign objective: “More GOP debates.”

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Jon Huntsman appears to be a reasonable likable man who might, in spite of his conservative social views, get some independent and even Democratic votes in November. Yet he apparenly has no chance. Wonder if the 2012 GOP is considering changing their mascot from an elephant to a lemming.

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Ah lawyers, just got an email from a Vegas hotel titled “Score your seat to watch ‘the Big Game.'” (inside the email it says Big Game XVLI Feb. 5, 2012) Add “Super Bowl” to the list of terms that must be copyrighted.

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There’s no place like no home.

January 7, 2012

Much buzz about the fact the Tiger’s ex-wife Elin bought, then knocked down, a $12 million Florida mansion. Wonder if she got a discount on the demolition for helping out with her own golf clubs?

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Regarding that $12 million mansion Elin Nordegren bought and has had demolished, the 17,000 sq. ft. home had six bedrooms with a pool, a beach, and eight bathrooms. According to North Palm Beach town planners – Elin’s reason, it didn’t have enough space for her and her family.

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Thirty two college football bowl games down. 3 to go. Maybe time to remake that old Chicago song. “Does anybody really know what time it is. Does anybody really care?

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There are rumors that this may be Ryan Seacrest’s last year “American Idol” host..” As Seacrest’s expiring $15 million a year contract extension may be viewed as too much money. Would Ryan re-negotiate? We’ll find out, after the break.

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The Letterman’s Club, a Penn State alumni group, is upset that newly hired football head coach Bill O’Brien has is not a “Penn Stater” (i.e., someone with a history at the school.) Uh, at this point, isn’t that the best chance the university has to actually hire someone clean?

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The Sugar Bowl had a chance to take any at-large teams, and passed on Stanford. Not to mention top-ten ranked Kansas State and Arkansas. They wanted Michigan and Virginia Tech because their fans “travelled.” Total Sugar Bowl attendance, about 64,500. Total Fiesta Bowl attendance, about 69.500.

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La Redoute, a French clothing company, had an “oops” moment with a new ad on their website. It showed a photo of four children in beach clothes, but in the background off in the distance…a naked man. Guess that answers the question – “What is Jerry Sandusky doing now?”

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NBC’s entertainment chairman said the network had “a really bad fall.” What, as opposed to their really bad winter, spring and summer?

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A 17-year old from South Carolina babysitter has been arrested after giving a Xanax to 4-year old girl. Her excuse was she wanted to get the child to calm down and take a nap. Millions of Americans just hope the babysitters’s arrest doesn’t stand in the way of her pursuing a career as a flight attendant.

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A British survey found that women tell on average 474 lies a year – nine a week, about the kinds of food they eat and the amount they drink. You know what that means – the women lied to the survey takers too.

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Oregon’s LaMichael James is going to declare for the NFL draft. Undaunted, the Ducks will no doubt go down to juvenile hall to recruit another replacement.

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Mattel is coming out with Kardashian Barbie dolls. The dolls will apparently be very realistic copies of the sisters – albeit with less plastic.

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God calling?

January 6, 2012

All these candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, etc who said God told them to run. Is it possible that God just really wants to make sure Barack Obama gets re-elected?

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Or maybe God just needs a new cellphone plan?

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But really, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain all actually said God told them to run for President. Maybe the one with the direct line to God is really Jon Stewart.

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John McCain attacked Newt Gingrich for his recent attack on Romney – “I don’t think it’s appropriate to call your opponent a liar.” Actually, both McCain and Gingrich should be experts on the subject of lying – or does “Honey, I’ve been working late, I’ll be right home” not count?

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The Cubs have traded Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins. The deal requires Chicago to pay most of the temperamental pitcher’s salary, along presumably with money to cover the costs of increased clubhouse security.

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A friend sent me a message pointing out that Carlos Zambrano and Ozzie Guillen will now be in the same clubhouse. Wow. This means the Marlins could become the first MLB team with thermonuclear capability.

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Albert Pujols has signed a guaranteed 10 year $250 million deal at the age of 32, though some say he may be older. Which probably means that the Angels are paying big $$ to get at least a few really good years now, and will continue to pay when things fall apart. Sort of like an old rich guy marrying a trophy wife without a prenup.

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My friend Dallas forwards me this quote (he attributed it to Special Agent Mulder from the X-Files, but the original quote was from to Hungarian psychiatrist and SUNY professor Thomas S.Szasz.) “If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.””

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No argument here with Senator John McCain, who made this statement (no joke) at a rally tonight for Mitt Romney. “I am confident, with the leadership and the backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around.”

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The Boston Globe endorsed Jon Huntsman for the GOP Presidental nomination. Wonder if they would have endorsed the man Mitt Romney was as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million mansion in North Palm Beach, Florida after her divorce, and has now demolished the place to build something new. Talk about class warfare, this is the kind of behavior that inflames the 1 percent against the 0.1 percent.

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According to USA Today, automakers are trying to outdo each other in apps for their cars, so that drivers can have more and more of the same apps that they have on their smart phones. What could possibly go wrong?

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Rick Santorum is now saying Congress should take President Obama to court for his recess appointments for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the NLRB. (On the second, he appointed 2 Dems and 1 Republican, to keep a quorum.)

Fine, but where was Santorum when George W. Bush made his 171 recess appointments? Obama so far has made 28.
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Casey Anthony has now come out with a new look (short blond hair) and a public video diary. What, was she upset Jerry Sandusky was getting all the attention?

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Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

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Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

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Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

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The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

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In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

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Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

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Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

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Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

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Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

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Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

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ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

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From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

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Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

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In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

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Caucused?

January 4, 2012

Okay, now in all seriousness, the combined votes for Romney and Santorum in the Iowa caucuses….approximately equal the population of Palo Alto, California. (Just under 59.000. Total.)

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About 120,000 voters voted period. Which is less than the population of Sunnyvale, California. (To out of state or out of country readers that’s a suburb several miles from San Jose, about 131,000 people.)

Maybe we should just move the Iowa caucuses to some small towns in California. Same number of random votes, better weather.

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Rick Santorum lost by only eight votes in Iowa. After losing his 2006 re-election to the Senate by a record margin, and saying this week he believes states have the right to ban birth control and sodomy (which, google it, includes what Bill did with Monica.) Guess this answers one question -how much do many Republicans hate Mitt Romney?

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The mud is flying fast and furious in Iowa as we approach the caucuses tonight. This probably does mean good news, however, for one candidate – President Obama.

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The Las Vegas Hilton has changed its name to “The Las Vegas Hotel & Casino,” dropping the Hilton name. Wonder how many times over the past decade the Hilton family has hoped Paris would do the same thing.

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Another potential winner in tonight’s Iowa caucuses? Hillary Clinton. Seriously. Because if she figures Obama will be re-elected but hasn’t ruled out 2016, Clinton has to be looking at this field and figure she can beat all of them with half her brain tied behind her pantsuit.

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Want to cut down on your soda consumption? How about this story, where a man is claiming to have found a mouse inside of a Mountain Dew can. Pepsi’s expert testified if a mouse HAD gotten into a can that it would have been dissolved in the soda’s acid, and transformed into a “jelly like substance.”

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Stanford coach David Shaw quoted Tuesday in the SF Chronicle: “We can’t settle for field goals against a good football team.” Uh, well then why play for one at the end?

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Happiest people in America right now, after Stanford’s snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and following Oregon and Boise State’s earlier costly last second losses this season -any parents of a good high school kicker looking for a scholarship.

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Apparently Stanford’s kicker was “Tebowing” it in prayer on the sidelines before his end of regulation missed kick. Guess he hasn’t seen Tim’s results the past few weeks.

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From T.C. Observation on Totitos Fiesta Bowl: One player is definitely Toast(titos)in next NFL Draft – the Stanford Field Goal kicker. Somewhere a Stanford music teacher is saying, “we should have signed that kid up to play in the band!”

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Luck is not enough.

January 3, 2012

Stanford’s field goal kicker picked a bad time to turn into an honorary Seminole.

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As T.C. said, however, at least he didn’t miss wide right.

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Just imagining a tie NFL game with Brees, Brady or Rodgers and 52 seconds to go with three time outs on the opponents 25 yard line…. Can’t imagine a coach playing for the field goal.

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To be fair, Williamson had been good earlier in the year. If he had had a game like this in the regular season they might not have been in a BCS bowl. (See Boise State.)

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Andrew Luck almost did it all tonight. Too bad he couldn’t kick.

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Think it’s time to declare a moratorium on Tiger Woods’ appearance as a Stanford honorary co-captain. The time before tonight’s loss was November 2009, when the heavily-favored Cardinal was upset by Cal in the Big Game. And then there was that little Thanksgiving incident in the same month.

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Weird grumpy Fiesta Bowl trivial fact – Oklahoma State never led in regulation.

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We’re coming to the end of Capitol One Bowl Week, which started about December 17. And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

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All this hype about Iowa. And the total number of people who will vote in the caucuses will be fewer than a capacity crowd at Cowboys Stadium.

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Rick Santorum thinks he is the most electable conservative. Considering he lost his last Senate bid by 18 % (largest margin ever for a GOP senator from Pennsylvania), it sounds like his math is as good as Rick Perry’s.

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Online Bloomingdale’s ad for the “Last Day of Our After Christmas Sale.” Fully expect tomorrow to see the ad somewhere “Only 358 shopping days until next Christmas.”

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A confident Mitt Romney on the eve of the Iowa Caucuses – “We’re going to win this thing with all of our passion and strength.” This might be the first time “Romney” and “passion” have appeared in the same sentence.

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Riddle me this…

January 1, 2012

Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions?

Because for years they haven’t had to waste money on playoff tickets.

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And yes, for the third time in four years, the Dallas Cowboys will not be in the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing this.

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Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being “Romney-boated.” After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer’s fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn’t work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry.

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Contrary to popular belief God did not desert Tebow today. He just watched the Raiders play defense and decided to save His energy for a day Tim actually needed His help.

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Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the “clear conservative candidate.” Who knew – Romney’s flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious.

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How can Aaron Rodgers hope to win the MVP when he may not even be the best QB on his own team?

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Newt Gingrich said Mitt Romney would buy the presidency if he could. And Mitt allegedly tried to bet him $10,000 that wasn’t true.

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Okay, you know your team doesn’t have much of a football reputation when…. Overhead at San Francisco Airport, which is full of people in red – one pilot telling another “So much red, must be a lot of Wisconsin Rose Bowl fans.” Not exactly. Go Stanford Cardinal!

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Locals in the Phoenix area seem very supportive of Stanford. But makes sense Cardinal/Cardinals, whatever…. they’re just pleased to see a team in red actually playing in the postseason.

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Lebron James is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, after proposing last night. Well, at least one of them now has a ring.

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In Coventry, England, a display model of Apple’s Siri apparently told a child to “Shut the f*ck up” Many frequent travelers heard this story and hoped that’s what happens when you put the phone in airplane mode.

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Happy New Year.

January 1, 2012

And this wish is not mine but it’s still my favorite for New Year’s Eve – “May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.”

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And okay Cubs fans, it’s officially time to whip out your 2012 edition “Wait Until Next Year” t-shirts.

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Texas A & M, which had lost its last five bowl games, won the Meinke Car Care Bowl 33-22 over Northwestern, which has now lost its last nine bowl games. They should have called it the “Something’s Got to Give” bowl.

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The outdoor game known as the NHL Winter Classic, coming up on January 2, has become one of the most eagerly awaited events in the hockey world. Maybe some day the league will be brave enough to play at Candlestick Park in July, and call it the NHL Summer Classic.

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Starting tomorrow, a new California law means children under 4’9″ must be in car booster seats. While many children will find this embarrassing, parents of boys looking for a new seat at least have the option of purchasing the Doug Flutie model.

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And as my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “The good news? Snooki has to ride in a booster seat.”

A Canadian DJ, Marcel Williams, has announced he has fulfilled his “no-sex for a year” 2010 New Year’s resolution. “No sex for a year?” Trekkies the world over responded “amateur!”

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There’s something about a logo…. (Not making this up.) In Japan, Wendy’s is opening fast food restaurants that feature a $16 foie gras and truffle topped burger. Because nothing says luxury like Wendy’s Hamburgers?

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Aided by a number of personal negative ads he can disavow as coming from an “Independent” PAC, Mitt Romney is now leading in Iowa. Looks like that added to having the natural charm of John Kerry, Mitt’s trying to adopt the honor code of Richard Nixon.

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Kelly Clarkson’s album sales surged after she Tweeted her endorsement of Ron Paul for President. Several other young singers thought of following her lead, but first they have to figure out who Ron Paul is.

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