Archive for November 2009

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Cyber Monday.

November 30, 2009

Today is Cyber Monday. The day that makes employers long for those high productivity work days during March Madness.

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Many retailers are cautiously optimistic about weekend sales figures. Of course, faced with the alternative prospect of taking their daughters to see “New Moon,” wonder how many men said “Honey, let’s just go shopping?”

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Sarah Palin had announced she would be taking part in a 5K race this weekend in Washington but she decided to drop out citing potential crowds becoming a distraction. But the former Alaska governor will be back on the trail this week, signing books and criticizing President Obama for not following through on his promises.

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Celebrity Cruise Lines is introducing all-you-can-drink packages on board their ships. The packages range from $22 a day for frozen drinks, to $34.50 for beer, to $51.50 for regular drinks, to $76 for premium liquor like Grey Goose vodka. Payable in advance. So lets see, this means cruisers could spend several hundred a week up front for unlimited drinks. What could possibly go wrong?

(After all, it’s not like anyone on a ship has ever watched fellow passengers overindulge on a buffet line because “they’ve already paid for it.)

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Charlie Weis will probably be fired after leading the Fighting Irish to a 6-6 record. Which Notre Dame alums consider a major disappointment. Although Cleveland Browns fans would consider it a “bloody miracle.”

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Ditto Bobby Bowden, who is facing the wrath of Seminole fans for his own 6-6 record. Has he considered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

The NFL has achieved one thing with its goal of parity. A number of teams equally suitable for punchlines.

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Tiger Woods is discovering one problem with living in a gated community. He can’t blame his one-car crash on being distracted by a photographer.

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But maybe we should give Woods a little more time. He could just be finalizing an endorsement deal with 24 hour CVS or Walmart.

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An idle question. How many celebrities’ lives would be a lot less complicated, but how much harder would joke writers have to work, if one of the first requirements of being a well-paid star was a 24/7 car and driver?

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Much of the controversy still swirling around Adam Lambert’s performance on the American Music Awards has to do with the fact that parents claim to be upset about their children seeing such overt sexuality on television. And most also claim that it has nothing to do with being anti-gay.

CBS, however, while they had Lambert appear on the “Early Show,” blurred out images of him kissing a male band member.
Well, at least this week, the network is getting back to more traditional family entertainment. Dec 1, in primetime – “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

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And finally from Nick Coombs:

“Wear eye-black for Tim Tebow” was considered a rousing success at Florida over the weekend. This proved much more successful than Notre Dame’s “black-eye for Jimmy Clausen” promotion.

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Okay, you think you have parent issues

November 29, 2009

An Indianapolis dad might have just wrapped up the “Worst Dad of the Year” award not involving a major felony.

He went into a strip club, leaving his 5 year old son in his truck watching cartoons. When he cames out, the truck was apparently gone and he reports it stolen. The police quickly locate the truck, with the child unharmed – and still watching television – inside. The doors were unlocked, and the keys still in the ignition. Apparently dad was so drunk, he simply forgot where he parked it. .

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And a quick Heisman commercial.

Bad night for east coast media. Because either Notre Dame is really, really, over-rated, with or without Charlie Weis. Or Toby Gerhart should be a serious favorite for the Heisman.

Notre Dame was an non-conference optional game for Stanford. Which means to be fair, Tebow and McCoy fans should want to make sure Texas and Florida’s out of conference scheduled games count too, against University of Central Florida and Florida International University.

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Tiger, tiger…

November 28, 2009

Well, just when we thought the most interesting pre-dawn story on Black Friday would involved some mall craziness.

Whatever happened with Tiger Woods at 225am, I think we can be sure that his last words as he left the house were NOT “Can I get you something while I’m out, honey?”

Might be Tiger’s shortest drive in history. Although presumably he was driving out of some deep rough.

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Not that President Obama was apparently in any real danger. But is anyone else bothered by the fact that you have to have a ticket and matching ID to get on a Southwest flight, but not into a White House State Dinner?

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This year’s Heisman voting will be by electronic ballot. Here’s hoping it’s not bad news for Toby Gerhart that one of the candidates is from Florida.

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Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins got his contract renewed, and then his Buffalos fell again, this time in a closer than expected game to Nebraska, 28-20, meaning they will finish the season 3-9. Maybe he was auditioning for an NFL job with the Redskins.

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Cincinnati quarterback Tony Pike threw for six touchdowns against Illinois. Six touchdowns. Or as the Raiders call that “a good month.”

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Post turkey…

November 27, 2009

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has installed a code system with Mark Sanchez in an attempt to cut down the rookie quarterback’s mistakes and provide him with a clearer idea of the tasks at hand. Since Sanchez is a former USC player I can only assume that the code is 1 for a handoff, 2 for a pass.

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Denver Broncos coach Josh McDaniels was apparently trash-trashing the San Diego Chargers players during warmups last year, saying amongst other things – “We own you.” Considering that the Chargers beat the Broncos 32-3, if Denver did own them, that San Diego foreclosed on the mortgage.

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The Broncos did win the Thanksgiving Day game against the New York Giants. The NFL network, however, accidentally broadcast coach McDaniels yelling “we’re trying to win a bleeping (not his exact word) football game” to Denver players. Well, so much for his appearance on Good Morning America.

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The University of Colorado announced that they will retain coach Dan Hawkins for the 2010 season despite the team’s disappointing record. Which was a surprise, normally with a record that bad you don’t get rehired. Re-elected maybe.

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Congrats to Stanford’s running backs coach Willie Taggart, who has been named the new head football coach at Western Kentucky University. Taggart hopes he can replicate his success at Stanford. Which means his first order of business will be – recruit another Toby Gerhart.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman hopes to follow the sales success of “Going Rogue” with her own forthcoming autobiography, “The Power of Many.” Whitman says her book will differ from Palin’s in a few substantive ways – nouns, verbs, sentences…

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The mothers of the three Americans who were arrested in Iran have sent video messages to their children. The hikers continue to deny that they were spying, and claim they thought they were in Iraq. In fact, they are really hoping to be released soon so they can get back to training as Northwest pilots.

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Ndamukong Suh, a DT (Defensive Tackle) from Nebraska, is next year’s probable number one NFL draft pick. He is nonetheless considered a longshot even to make it to New York for the Heisman ceremony. To the chagrin of many fans of great defensive players, and to the relief of U.S. sportscasters and copy editors.

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Donny Osmond, 51, was this year’s winner of Dancing With The Stars. Said Bill Littlejohn “He’s now the cover boy on Saber Tooth Tiger Beat.”

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Thanksgiving day….

November 26, 2009

Since this is the day we in America give thanks, surely this would be the day to thank those without whom this blog could not be written….

In no particular order, from the NFL – Brett Favre, the Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns and Washington Redskins. (The Oakland Raiders and SF 49ers on occasion too.) And commissioner Roger Goddell, for overseeing a system of fines that no would-be comedy writer could make up.

From college football, the USC Trojans and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Alas, it looks like we may not have Charlie Weis to kick around anymore. Though Rich Rodriguez looks to be keeping his job at Michigan. Not to mention the ageless Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno. And of course, the BCS.
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From the NBA, the New Jersey Nets for being on a record pace for awfulness, and as always the New York Knicks, the Clippers, Shaquille O”Neal and Kobe Bryant.

For College Basketball, well, without Bobby Knight there are no sure things. Except March Madness.
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From Major League Baseball, the Yankees, Mets and Dodgers. Along with the Giants offense. And now that Julio Franco has retired, Jamie Moyer. And Bud Selig, one of the most unintentionally funny straight men of all time.

Golf, well, Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer of all time, but he’s no Lee Trevino.

And perhaps this is jumping the gun, or rather the scores, but the Winter Olympics are coming up in a few months. What would we do without French judges? And curling.

Then there’s the world of politics….and the list is longer than a Joe Biden Speech.

But nonetheless, in rapid-fire progression (and a bi-partisan list) – Sarah Palin, Joe Biden, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Robert Ensign, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Lieberman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the state of Louisiana, the state of New York, and the state of California. (Hard to believe, Texas may have fallen out of the top three for joke material. Molly Ivins would never believe it.)

And because she has thrown herself into the political arena, Carrie Prejean. And here we thought we’d miss Joe the Plumber.

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On a more serious note, a special thank you to some of my brilliant friends who also make the effort to bring some smiles (we hope) into the world. And who sometimes share ideas and help inspire me to keep at it. Especially when they frequently come up with jokes that I wish I had written –

Again in no particular order, and I am going to leave out somebody….

Alex Kaseberg, Jerry Perisho, Scott Ostler, Will Durst, Neil Berliner, Jim Barach, Hartley Miller, Cam Hutchinson, Bill Littlejohn, Marc Ragovin, Paul Seaburn,….

If any reader doesn’t know any of the above writers, I recommend them all highly.

And finally, thanks to everyone who makes the time to read this blog. (If you’ve found it by accident, that’s okay too.)

Janice Hough

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Schwarzenegger and other rock stars.

November 25, 2009

It wasn’t embarassing enough for TMZ to catch his wife Maria Schriver driving while holding a cellphone and parking illegally. Now Governor Schwarzenegger has also been photographed with HIS Porsche parked illegally. But maybe this means Arnold’s next job should be with the 49ers. At least he knows how to get into the red zone.

(any reader outside California feel free to substitute “Redskins.”

Speaking of Washington, once again the Redskins are embroiled in a controversy and a lawsuit over whether their name is derogatory towards Indians. Although if Cleveland gets much worse, expect a lawsuit over their name being potentially derogatory – from Crayola over the color Brown.

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Has anyone else notice how many politicians send nice emails this time of year saying things like “Time for Thanks,” or “Thanks for all your Support,”, or something similar? And then at the bottom of the email is always a button to solicit donations.

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After his racy performance at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert’s appearance on Good Morning America was cancelled. Apparently ABC felt it would be inappropriate for a potential family audience. Instead, they spent the time discussing Carrie Prejean’s sex tapes and Mark Sanford’s ethics violations.

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Or interviewing US Air’s pilot hero. And if Captain “Sully” Sullenberger is now having “rock star sex” after his heroic landing, does that mean he is kissing his co-pilot and simulating gay acts?

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I suppose I shouldnt go there on the idea that, okay, “Sully” gets “rock star sex” for landing the plane in the Hudson… what do those Northwest pilots get for missing Minneapolis? The obvious thought is that that their wives said that it wasn’t unusual for them to get distracted and miss the target. But other suggestions encouraged.

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Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is dating former Cal and current Rams backup quarterback Kyle Boller. In fact, Prejean dedicated her book to him. For his part Boller says Carrie’s giving him a whole new appreciation for watching tape.

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Myths and Urban legends…

November 24, 2009

Urban Meyer, coach of the Gators says he wants to dispel rumors he will take the Notre Dame job, and says he is staying at Florida “as long as they’ll have me.”

Or at least until Notre Dame makes him a much better offer…

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But really, if Meyer wants millions to coach an overhyped, unachieving team with ridiculously rich backers, he should probably hold out for the Redskins.

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The Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, will be visiting President Obama in Washington today, and apparently hoping for evidence that Obama values the “strategic partnership” between the two countries. Especially compared to U.S. relations with China. The short version of Singh’s agenda “Debt, schmebt, want to kiss your tech support goodbye?””

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Governor Schwarzenegger announced his appointment of Republican Abel Maldonado as lieutenant governor on the new Jay Leno show. Democrats immediately accused Arnold of trying to slip his choice through while no one was looking.

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South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is facing 37 ethics charges . Yes, 37. Or as they call that in Louisiana, a good start.

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37 separate ethics violations for Governor Sanford. Wouldn’t it be simpler for the South Carolina legislature to pass a resolution saying “You’re a scumball, please leave”?

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This is President Obama’s first Thanksgiving in Washington, which means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats think believe Obama’s already done enough for Joe Lieberman.

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Ah for the good old days, when appealing to your “inner 13 year old” mean the rock band Kiss, and not Twilight.

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More about those amazing weekend numbers, over $142 million gross for “The New Moon.” And 80 percent of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 percent men, about a dozen were actually straight.

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Christie’s is auctioning off a first edition of Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.” They hope the book will fetch at least 60,000 British pounds. Although the number of people buying Sarah Palin’s book has slightly tarnished the theory of human evolution.

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If the Raiders win in a forest…

November 23, 2009

And almost no fans are at the stadium, and no one sees it on TV, does it still count?

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Congrats to the Raiders on a rare win today. For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team.

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Brett Favre continues to amaze with his performance as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. If this keeps up wonder if Dan Snyder will find a way to track down Doug Williams.

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Once again, the Washington Redskins came close but lost the game, this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe it was a bit of hubris to name their stadium FedEx Field. At least FedEx actually delivers.

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New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets.

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President Obama is getting ready for his first Thanksgiving in the White House, and of course, he plans to pardon a turkey. But most Democrats are telling him, Lieberman just doesn’t deserve it.

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Apparently the President donned a Chicago Bears jacket as part of a NFL promotional spot he has taped for Thanksgiving Day. Not a bad idea, despite all the criticism he has faced, Obama does have higher approval ratings than Jay Cutler.

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“New Moon”, the latest Twilight movie, grossed over $140 million. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Wow. That means some of those women actually got men to show up?

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The number two movie this weekend was “The Blind Side,” basically a football-themed chick-flick, which had an audience of 59 percent women. It’s a shame for the U.S. retail industry that the movies didn’t open Thanksgiving weekend, because given a choice between “New Moon” and “Blind Side,” I imagine a lot of men would say, “Honey, why don’t we go shopping?”

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Stanford lost the “Big Game” in football to Cal, which means that the Bears get to keep the symbol of their rivalry – “the Axe – for another year. But the Cardinal next week has a chance to help ax Charlie Weis.

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Apparently fewer Americans will be travelling home for Thanksgiving by air this year. Of course, on Northwest some of them will waive to their homes as they fly by.

No word also on how many Americans will spend the holidays waiting on the tarmac with JetBlue.

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Approaching turkey time…

November 22, 2009

As we approach the holiday season, one tradition around the U.S. is a contest to find the biggest Thanksgiving turkey. So far it seems to be between the Packers-Lions and Raiders-Cowboys.

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In the meantime, today brings us a matchup between the 1-8 Browns and the 1-8 Lions. How bad is it likely to be? Not only is the game blacked out locally, the Navy can’t show it to the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, for fear of violating the Geneva Convention.

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FIFA has refused to overturn France’s controversial win over Ireland. Does that mean they basically handed France the World Cup berth?

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LSU lost a critical game to Ole Miss when they forgot to call a timeout with less than 30 seconds left in the game. While the Tigers aren’t known for their high academic standards, maybe it would be a good idea to teach the players to count to 26.

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But over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line. With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts. And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for a game winning touchdown.

Even Bill Belichick said “What were they THINKING?”

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And in the NFL….

Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000 for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries. After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official. And of course Titans’ Bud Adam’s $250,000 fine for giving the finger to Bills fans.

Can’t imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn’t take the health of their players seriously.

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The big political news Saturday was the Senate actually voting 60-40 to open debate on the healthcare bill. Which is being considered a major accomplishment. Not passing the bill, simply managing to get the votes to DISCUSS it. And they wonder why most Americans don’t have much faith in Congress.

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finally, from Alex Kaseberg, a wonderfully tacky close:

“Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but isn’t doing the “Full Monty.” That means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.

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Go Cardinal.

November 21, 2009

On the eve of the Big Game with Stanford, Cal students took over a classroom building to protest tuition fee hikes. No football players, however, were involved. Not that any of them know where a classroom building is….

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Actually, as big as “Big Game” is for Stanford, next week’s matchup with Notre Dame could be even more interesting. Especially since Charlie Weis may have his job on the line. Let’s see, the Fighting Irish in the midst of a disappointing season, all that tradition and hard-core alums, and a coach who could get fired if they lose. Can’t imagine what the Stanford band will come up with for a halftime show….

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And maybe after the Stanford-Cal game, the media will finally stop talking about Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s decision to go for two with a 27 point lead last week against USC. Personally, while Harbaugh has come up with all sorts of excuses on the subject, I would have preferred the Woody Hayes answer. When asked once why he went for two with a 36 (yes 36) point lead against Michigan, he responded “Because I couldn’t go for three.”

(note, this might be the only time EVER I write something positive about the late Woody Hayes.)

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Correcting the spread: As noted earlier this week in this blog. The University of Florida, as part of their usual yearly effort to play a schedule worthy of a BCS champion, has scheduled Florida International University this weekend. The spread was 41 1/2. Six touchdowns. But Vegas has decided that was unrealistic. The spread is now 45.

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Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum won the Cy Young with only 15 wins, despite a 2.48 ERA. Since voters decided not to punish him for the team’s anemic offense. Asked about trying to sign a “big bat,” San Francisco GM Brian Sabean said they probably wouldn’t go for one of the top, but that there was a “good crop of second-tier free agents” out there. Translation, next year Lincecum could win another award with a 2.20 ERA and 13 wins.
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“New Moon,” the second movie in the “Twilight Saga,” is opening this weekend. For all those who didn’t believe it would be possible to write worse dialogue than the “Star Wars Trilogy.”

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Give the “Twilight” phenonomen some credit. The movies are making many parents think back nostalgically to the days of “Barney the Dinosaur.”

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Customs officers seized a shipment of 316,000 bongs disguised as Christmas ornaments at Los Angeles harbor. In related news, shares of Krispy Kreme stock just dropped 10 percent.

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High strikes and misdemeanors.

November 20, 2009

Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

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Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.

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Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.

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(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

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Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

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Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.
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Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”

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Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?

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USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

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The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.
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Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”

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There’s drinking in college, I’m shocked, shocked…

November 19, 2009

A new study in the Journal of American College Health found that 41.5% of college students who live in co-ed dorms drink excessively on a regular basis. The other 58.5% in the survey thought “excessive drinking” is an oxymoron.

Of course, when they tried to do the same study in single sex fraternity houses, most of the guys were too drunk to answer.

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President Obama says he hasn’t seen Sarah Palin’s new book yet. But he thinks he may get a take a look after Sasha and Melia finish coloring it.

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You can tell the NFL season is heating up, the first coach – Dick Jauron of the Bills – has been fired, commentators are already talking about the playoff picture, and Sports Illustrated is already speculating about whether Brett Favre will or will not retire after this year…

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France qualified for their fourth consecutive World Cup on a missed call against Ireland. They won 2-1, but the winning goal was scored on a “hand ball” that the referee didn’t apparently see. Who was in charge of officiating anyway, the SEC?

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The Oakland Raiders for now have benched Jamarcus Russell and given their starting quarterback job to Bruce Gradkowski. Coach Tom Cable’s hope is that this will turn their fortunes around. But considering their overall lineup, this will probably work about as well as NBC moving Jay Leno to 10pm.

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The NBA New Jersey Nets are 0-12. Yes, that’s right – 0-12. This is as embarrassing as anyone on the team can remember. Other than admitting they’re from New Jersey.
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A new academic study reported in the Toronto Star says “that gut-wrenching fear of defeat and outright despair are what make sporting events truly enjoyable for those watching.” Well, if true, that means that Wrigley Field has just overtaken Disneyland as the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Bud Selig said that next year Major League Baseball will try to have less off-days between playoff games. Translation, Fox has decided the World Series going into November hurts their fall schedule.

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German filmmaker Gunter Wallraff is under heavy criticism for donning blackface to investigate the plight of blacks in Germany. Bill Littlejohn was shocked—there are blacks in Germany?”

The biggest problem Wallraff apparently faced during filming, everyone who met him kept calling him “Mr President.”

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Will the last Golden State Warrior to leave Oracle Arena turn out the lights?

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Sarah, we – and the McCain staff – hardly knew ye…

November 18, 2009

Sarah Palin gave a lengthy interview to Oprah this week. No official comment on Oprah’s reaction, but one has to think she wondered “Where’s that guy whose shoulder I cried on when I REALLY need him?”

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Palin is now complaining that a Newsweek cover picture, showing her wearing a long-sleeved shirt and short-shorts, is “sexist.” The picture was taken for a photo spread in a running magazine. Maybe Newsweek isn’t paying her anything near like what Levi is getting.

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But one question, if Hillary Clinton had also posed in short-shorts for a magazine article on physical fitness, think only one other publication would have picked up the photo? For that matter Dick Cheney? (Although as a visual person I REALLY want both those last images out of my head.)

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Sarah Palin has been complaining about Levi Johnston running around the country with media appearances and neglecting his responsibilities as a father. Fair enough, but aren’t Sarah’s daughter’s Willow and Piper, who are with her on HER media tour, supposed to be in school now? (And no one ever sees Palin with her youngest son.)

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Sarah Palin said in a television interview that President Obama’s Nobel Prize was “premature.” And Palin should know about premature. Fortunately, her oldest son Track was healthy, despite being born only 7 1/2 months after Sarah and her husband Todd eloped.

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Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after his team’s win. By that standard they could balance the budget in Washington just by fining Redskins fans for the gestures they make to their own team.

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The BCS defends always picking SEC teams for the Championship games due to their “strength of schedule.” Ladies and gentleman, I bring you this week’s opponents for Florida and Alabama respectively – Florida International University and Chattanooga. Guess University of Phoenix wasn’t available.

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Hard luck Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke won the American League Cy Young, despite having only 16 wins to go with his 2.14 ERA. Not to worry, however, someday he will probably win 20 with a higher ERA. When he signs with the Yankees.

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I don’t often write “girl humor” but the next might qualify.

A British woman claims to have 300 orgasms a day. Women around the world want to know which chocolate company she works for.

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And lastly, for anyone who thinks THEY have a busy life. This paragraph from Tom Fitzgerald’s story in the SF Chronicle on Stanford football star Toby Gerhardt’s light academic quarter…

“The standard course load at Stanford is 15 credits. This quarter, Gerhart is taking 21. Then he’ll be three courses from his degree in management sciences and engineering. He’s taking investment science, integral calculus, introduction to optimization (engineering), prehistoric archaeology and high-technology entrepreneurship.”

Oh, and next quarter, besides classes, he can go back to his other “hobby” – being a starting outfielder on the Stanford baseball team. (His freshman year he hit a home run in the College World Series.)

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Facebook updates:

November 17, 2009

Facebook updates of the day:

Jim Harbaugh is no longer friends with Pete Carroll.

USC and the BCS bowl games are no longer “in a relationship.”

Charlie Weis changed his relationship status with Notre Dame to “it’s complicated.”

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Coach Jim Harbaugh is taking some heat for his decision to go for a two-point conversion Saturday with Stanford leading 48-21. Guess it’s a good thing after the Cardinal went ahead 55-21 that they didn’t implement that onside kick plan.

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President Obama admitted during his trip to Asia, he has never used Twitter. Many Americans were shocked. Of course, no one expected that Vice President Joe Biden has used Twitter. There’s no chance he could get a thought down to 140 characters.

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How white is Sammy Sosa getting from that face cream? When asked about steroids he no longer speaks broken English, but he is saying that he doesn’t want to talk about the past.

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from Alex Kaseberg – to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”

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Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for an obscene gesture to Buffalo fans after his team’s win over the Bills. Well, at least that’s one bad thing that won’t happen this year to Al Davis.

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Of course, in Adams’ defense. He IS 86 years old. So maybe he was just trying to make the V for Victory sign, and couldn’t move his fingers.

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The University of Michigan admitted that football coach Rich Rodriguez failed to file the required NCAA forms tracking how much time his players spent on football including practice last year.. Well, I know rules are rules, but it’s not like any extra time did them any good.

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The way the Giants and Jets are playing, fans in New York are getting a glimpse of what it’s like to be Canadian Football League fans. Your season’s over before December.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that when John McCain first chose her as his running mate, she claims her biggest fear was that it would be exposed that she once got a D in a college course. And the last thing she wanted President Bush to think is that she was a braggart.

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And then there was one…. oops, two.

November 16, 2009

It looked like this Sunday night would see the ranks of the NFL unbeatens fall to one, the New Orleans Saints.

But then the New England Patriots made a surprising decision to go for a first down on fourth and two on their own 28 with a six point lead. Then a questionable, and unreviewed, spot of the football gave the Indianapolis Colts new life with two minutes to go. And they pulled out a 35-34 victory.

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So yet another controversial call goes in favor of an undefeated team. Is the NFL borrowing referees from the SEC?

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Despite another loss, this time to Pittsburgh, and a 6-4 record, Stewart Mandel of SI.com is still predicting a New Year’s Day bowl for Notre Dame. (Okay, so it’s the Gator Bowl, but it’s still worth about $2 million.)

But hey, the school has a reputation, and rich fans. If this projected Yankee Bowl comes to pass in the 2010 season, maybe the Fighting Irish could be permanent hosts?

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They’re still reeling down in Los Angeles. First the Rams, then the Raiders. Now with USC’s embarrassing drubbing at the hands of Stanford it’s looking like the city may have lost their last professional football team.

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It’s been quite a rough few weeks for USC. First a 47-20 loss to Oregon, then a 55-21 loss to Stanford. The last time anyone can remember things going this badly for the Trojans, a wooden horse was involved.

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“2012” was a huge winner at the box office, as apparently the idea of watching a major disaster movie appealed to a wide demographic. With the possible exception of moderate Republicans, who view it as a potential documentary should Sarah Palin run for the White House.

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Sarah Palin and her husband Todd married 7 1/2 months before their son Track was born. But Sarah now says she was “devastated” to find out her daughter was pregnant, as she didn’t even think Bristol was having sex. This from a woman who called President Obama “beyond naive?”
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What’s worse for Cowboys fans? A 17-7 loss to the Packers, that was a shutout until the game was almost over? Or the fact that they can’t blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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The Who will be playing at halftime for the 2010 Super Bowl. Apparently they were suggested by Brett Favre, who thought the game should feature some young, modern acts.

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Actually, for fans who turn into the Super Bowl without paying much attention to the regular season, “Who Are You?” may be the reaction if they end up watching the Saints.

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The fall of Troy.

November 15, 2009

Stanford 55 – UCS 21. Today might have been the most embarassing day for USC football players since they got their SAT scores.

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Of course, many people know that Trojan defenses can be overrated. They’re called parents.

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Not to say that this year’s season has been a tragedy for Trojan fans. But this year’s season video may be marketed as a sequel to the Iliad.

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Apparently coach Pete Carroll and some Trojan fans weren’t too happy about Stanford’s decision to go for two leading 48-21, because they don’t believe in piling on. Right, I guess that means that 56-3 win over San Jose State opening week was the result of some players not getting the memo…

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USC fans are taking the loss to Stanford particularly hard because down in Los Angeles they don’t have a professional football team to look forward to watching on Sunday. And Northern California fans are saying, “dudes, have you seen the 49ers lately?”

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You heard it here first, what about USC-Notre Dame in the Emerald Bowl?

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The BCS system supposedly was created to stop controversy about the National Championship. And what could happen this year? As many as FOUR undefeated Divison 1 teams. (Either Florida or Alabama, TCU, Boise State, Cincinnati.) Well, glad we got that settled.

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One regular excuse used by the BCS to justify favoring SEC and Big 12 teams over other conferences is “strength of schedule.”

Yeah, well…may I present….

University of Louisiana-Monroe, University of Texas-El Paso

Charleston-Southern, Troy

Florida International, Chattanooga.

The above pairs of football “powerhouses” were scheduled as nonconference games by undefeated Texas, Florida and Alabama respectively. Guess the University of Phoenix was not available.

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A little embarrassing stuff

November 14, 2009

Sarah Palin’s new book, “Going Rouge,” is out. The perfect holiday gift for anyone who really liked George W. Bush, but thought he was just too intellectual.

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The NBA Nets lost again, bringing their early season record to 0 and 9. A record like that is almost as embarassing as being from New Jersey.

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And Cincinnati, a BCS team barely by virtue of being in the Big East, stayed unbeated against West Virginia, thereby further complicating the BCS National Championship game. “We are thrilled for the Bearcats,” said a BCS spokesman. Or at least we thought that’s what they said, words never come out that clearly through gritted teeth.

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Approaching Friday the 13th…

November 13, 2009

It hasn’t been a lucky month for the airlines. A pilot showed up to work drunk on United, pilots got distracted and lost on Northwest…. It’s enough to make people take their chances on Amtrak.

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Thursday night football has generally been a showcase for two good but not great college teams. Which might explain why the NFL started off their Thursday night schedule with the Bears vs. 49ers.

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As part of a “Go Green” program, NBC will have a pro-environmental message on five of its prime-time entertainment programs next week.

Actually, NBC has been the greenest of the major networks for some time now. When watching their shows, more people turn off the television.

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There’s got to be an updated way to start a rhetorical question beyond “If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we…” But until I can think of a new question “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t a nice hotel find a supplier of alarm clocks that mere mortals can actually use?”

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Health insurance companies are urging their employees to fight healthcare reform. In related news, the New York Yankees are against a Major League Baseball salary cap.

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Three freshman football players from the University of Tennessee were arrested and charged with attempted armed robbery this week. One reason police were able to track them down, the alleged robbers were wearing Tennessee gear.

Yeah, let’s hear it again why we can’t have a college football playoff to help the players focus on academics.

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Boise State is selling stock in their athletic programs. $100 a share. No dividends, but shareholders will get a stock certifcate and be able to vote during board elections..

At this point the cash-strapped University of California is considering a similar program for their football team. But given the Bears’ recent disappointing performance, the offering would be considered junk bonds.

(this above joke may be substituted with Michigan, Notre Dame, or any other team any reader loves to hate.)

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Personal responsibility, ethics and other jokes.

November 12, 2009

So Carrie Prejean says she was “pressured” into having breast implants, and made a sex tape just to please a boyfriend. Now the former Miss California hopes Americans will buy her book where she talks about standing up for herself….

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Carrie Prejean says she’s been “Palinized,” and talked to Larry King about the “trials conservative women have to face.” Anybody beside me want to give Palin and Prejean a biography of Maggie Thatcher? Lesson one – “Don’t whine.”

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But maybe Larry King was just a little mesmerized by the former beauty pageant winner. He allegedly said afterwards that Prejean was the most impressive conservative woman he has interviewed since Carry Nation.

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Eliot Spitzer, the formerly disgraced, former Governor of New York, is now giving a lecture on ethics at Harvard. You know standards might be falling just a bit when ethical behavior means paying fair market value for a prostitute.

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But back to California, another of those stories you can’t make up – Damon Dunn, age 33, a former NFL player, is now running for Secretary of State. What’s one of the main jobs for the Secretary of State? Running elections. Mr. Dunn has never run for office before, but he says has voted, exactly ONCE. In 2009.

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Let’s see, Meg Whitman, running for Governor, admits to a voting record that is spotty at best. Carly Fiorina, running for Senate, has probably voted even less. And now Damon Dunn, running for Secretary of State, has voted exactly once. What’s the Republican plan here, saving money by eliminating ballots and returning to a Monarchy?

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Or perhaps Whitman, Fiorina and Dunn considering their lack of voting another example of the superiority of the private sector. Why vote when you can just buy the winners?

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Mike Tyson was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for punching a photographer at the United Airlines ticket counter. Which was really surprising. Normally the only people who make people want to punch them at the airport work for the airlines.

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Major League Baseball has started announcing all their awards – Gold Gloves, MVPs, Cy Youngs, etc… Or as the New York Yankees call them – our shopping list.
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the next two are a little tacky. In case by some accident there are people with delicate sensibilities reading this blog. (Hah)

Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California pageant when attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing solo sex acts. As Alex Kaseberg said “Let’s just say it looks like Prejean took it literally when pageant officials told her to go screw herself.”

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But maybe we should give Ms. Prejean the benefit of the doubt. She believes in traditional marriage. Which for a lot of people after a few years ends up meaning solo sex. Maybe it was a training video.

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Finally, back to sports from Bill Littlejohn. “Well, looking at Sammy Sosa’s skin lately, it’s obvious he’s still comfortable around the bleachers.”

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F is for Fiber….

November 11, 2009

Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street! Apparently Cookie Monster is celebrating with some Metamucil
wafers.

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Bad news for the Sesame Street 40th Birthday celebration. Apparently Oscar the Grouch showed up in his trash can, and accidentally got recycled.

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Of course, these days, the PC police might never have allowed Sesame Street to get started. Or if they did, it might be with “Gravitationally Challenged Bird,” and “Oscar the Socially Challenged.” Not to mention the “Fuzzy Blue Creature with an Eating Disorder.”

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Sesame Street got into some controversy after an episode referring to “Pox News” as a “trashy news show.” Fox took offense, but realistically, who would have thought anyone would refer to the network as having a “news show?”

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Sarah Palin just discovered that even at Fox News there are limits, when she implied that a liberal Democratic conspiracy was the reason that “In God We Trust” had been moved from the center to the side of U.S. Coins. Actually, the design change was approved by President George W. Bush.

Fox News fact-checked Palin’s statement, and called her on it. This might mark the first time that “Fox News” and “fact-check” appeared in the same sentence.

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The state of New York has reached an $875,000 settlement with CVS Pharmacy to stop sales of expired products — including medicine, baby formula and food. Just how out of date was some of this stuff? Some of the packs of gum contained Jamie Moyer rookie cards.

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This post-season was filled with umpiring errors, and what seemed like a record number of visits to the mound by New York catcher Jorge Posada. So at their annual meeting, MLB general managers brought up the subjects of instant replay and speeding up the game, and decided to do… absolutely nothing.

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Of course, when your World Series goes into November, maybe arguing over a few minutes extra per game seems a bit hypocritical.

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Bud Selig had stated he didn’t see “any reason to consider expanding: instant replay. And he didn’t see a problem with all Posada’s mound visits… eight in one INNING at one point. Of course, this could be because Selig and MLB at this point are wholly owned subsidiaries of the New York Yankees.
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In California, Senate candidate Carly Fioriana is already going after Barbara Boxer, without even mentioning her formidable Republican primary opponent, Chuck Devore. Not that it’s impossible for her to be nominated, but isn’t this like the 4-4 New York Jets discussing their strategy against New Orleans in the Super Bowl?

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