Posted tagged ‘Rob Ford jokes’

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Days and confused.

September 17, 2014

Tuesday there was a press conference blasting the NFL and Roger Goodell over their handling of domestic violence cases – held by Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had Sept 17 in the pool.

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Scotland is voting September 18 on a possible declaration of independence from the United Kingdom. And the number one response in the U.S.A. “So what is the United Kingdom?”

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The Vikings, on deactivating Adrian Peterson “After giving the situation additional thought, we have decided this is the appropriate course of action for the organization and for Adrian.” Translation, we don’t want to lose any more sponsors. ‪#‎Followthemoney‬

 

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The NFL fined Colin Kaepernick $10,000 for inappropriate language last weekend, and fined Buffalo Bills linebacker Brandon Spikes $8,268 for an unnecessary roughness penalty. So the lesson is clear, if you’re really unhappy on the field, don’t swear at someone, stomp them.

 

 

#‎TMI‬ Baltimore WR Steve Smith posted a picture of his new son along with the tweet “The last time me and my wife were in elevator heading to our hotel room!!! We got this guy 9 months later.. ‪#‎Realtalk‬” And not that long ago that would have been the most unfortunate story most of us could imagine involving a Ravens player and an elevator.

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Jameis Winston has been suspended for the 1st half of FSU’s game Saturday against Clemson for standing on a table in the student union and repeatedly yelling an obscene internet meme – “F*ck her right in the p*ssy.” Considering that the Heisman winner is still being investigated for alleged sexual assault the suspension has to be as much about stupidity as obscenity.

 

 

Well, this kind of sucks. Rob Ford’s doctor says the Toronto mayor is battling a rare and “fairly aggressive” form of cancer. And Ford is probably thinking, “Hell, if I knew that I’d have kept smoking crack.”

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Adrian Peterson’s mother ” When you whip those you love, it’s not about abuse, but love.” Sounds like the apple didn’t strike far from the tree.

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Aaron Hernandez, trying to get evidence tossed in his murder trial “I felt helpless in the face of the occupation of my house by the police. I was also very concerned about what would happen to my fiancée and our baby if I refused to answer their questions. I did not feel free to leave at any time during the search.” “I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.

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Now some are slamming the new Miss America Kira Kazantsev because she interned at Planned Parenthood… Would they have been as angry if she supported raising welfare payments for poor children?

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Told to unload his bags from a bus in Altoona, PA on July 31 after a AA game for Richmond. Game winning single in Arizona for the SF Giants in a pennant race Sept 17. Quite a few weeks for Matt Duffy.

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “It is so hot in Los Angeles, people are going to Dodger games just to feel the cool breeze coming off of Yasiel Puig’s bat when he strikes out.  ” (.183% in his last 31 games)

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Broken family values

September 13, 2014

Mark Sanford has broken off his engagement to his Argentinian fiancee. So did he tell her “Happy Trails”?

 

Or did he tell her to take a hike?

 

 

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Los Angeles Dodgers’ pitcher Hyun-Jin  left Fridays’  game against the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after the first inning with shoulder irritation. Did he hurt it twisting around watching ‪#‎Giants‬ run bases?

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This isn’t an ‪#‎NFL‬ season, it’s a remake of “The Longest Yard” ‪#‎RayRice‬ ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ ‪#‎RayMcDonald‬

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Roger Goodell  has been so focused on making it a No Fun League when maybe he should have been focused on having a No Felons League . ‪ #NFL

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So how long until Bud Selig and MLB start marketing baseball as “the sport where only baseballs get hit.”?

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In a new survery, 55% of Americans said they do not believe Roger Goodell’s statement that “to his knowledge, no one in the league offices saw the video of the incident until Monday.” 21% had no opinion and 24% believe him. And somewhere in Nigeria princes are salivating over that 24%.

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My friend Alex B. points out that as of yesterday, NFL.com still had Ladies’ Ray Rice Baltimore Ravens Jerseys on sale through their website. Now there’s a potential Christmas gift that could make a vacuum cleaner look sensitive by comparison.

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, seeking treatment for a tumor, has withdrawn his re-election bid for mayor. Hoping he recovers. But it’s already tragic news, for comedy writers.

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The Orioles’ Chris Davis was suspended 25 games for using amphetamines, He says “I made a mistake by taking Adderall. I had permission to use it in the past, but do not have a therapeutic use exemption this year.” But the MLB drug agreement only results in followup testing for the 1st stimulant violation, the 2nd brings the suspension. And Davis still couldn’t figure out a way to get a new exemption? The 25 games is as much for stupidity as drugs.

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Oscar Pistorius was at least found guilty of “culpable homicide” in the shooting death of his girlfriend, (the equivalent of voluntary manslaughter.)    Although no doubt some think “If only the young woman had been armed.”

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You are asleep and you wake up because you hear a scary noise. What’s the first thing you do if you are married or in a relationship where you share a bed? Uh, look over to your partner to say “did you hear that?” Maybe wake them up. But nobody doesn’t even look. Even Los Angeles juries have to be shaking their heads on the Pistorius trial.

 

A major investor claims that Olive Garden servers need to cut down on bringing out free breadsticks, because “after sitting just 7 minutes, the breadsticks deteriorate in quality.” Bringing to mind the question, “How low can you go?”

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Looks like former FBI Chief Robert S. Mueller III is gathering people from all about to run a spread offense against Roger Goodell, the NFL, and what appears to be a Cover 4 Defense..”

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We’ve got trouble.

July 6, 2014

 

Browns WR Josh Gordon, already suspended for a year for violating the NFL drug policy, was arrested at 4am this morning for alleged DWI. Well, at least looks like Johnny Manziel will have one less person to party with in Cleveland.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford says he won’t guarantee he will stay sober, and that he can’t make promises about something over which he has “no control.” Wow, an actual honest statement from a politician.

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in the US, July 4 was our bbq and fireworks day.    Making July 5  “so what do you put on a burn” day?

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Refereeing in the #WorldCup makes me long for the simplicity of baseball’s balk rule.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up, dept: Louisiana Congressman Bill Cassidy, who is running against U.S. Senator Mary Landrieu, and who co-sponsored the “Abstinence Education Reallocation Act of 2013”, announced that his unwed 17 year old daughter will have a baby “this summer”

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Foster Farms just recalled some chicken linked to a salmonella outbreak. The products have “use or freeze by” dates from March 21 to 29. Of course, if you still have chicken around from March, you might have other problems than salmonella.

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Ad for Eliquis with the usual side-effect mentions in small print “May cause paralysis – the inability to move.” Guess some lawyer decided Americans don’t know what paralysis means…..

 

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New Bucks coach Jason Kidd: “‘Why Milwaukee?’ My answer is simple: there is no place I’d rather be” Well, either that or there’s no place Kidd would rather be that would take him.

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Amber Battle, Texas Tech’s Lady Raiders’ basketball leading scorer, was involved in a fight with a football player that resulted in the police being called. She has been suspended, for the first month of the season. Good to see that women star players can now be slapped on the hand as hard as men.

 

Last night millions of baseball fans wondered if they needed to adjust their sets. That was an #SFGiant hitting a ball out of the park. Not an illusion.

(and it happened twice more.)

 

What’s more surprising? That the reeling #SFGiants beat the only team that hadn’t blown a lead after seven innings this season. Or that that team was the #SDPadres?

 

 

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Regarding illegal immigration: When living conditions are bad enough, people will do whatever it takes to leave their country in the hopes of something better.. And the idea that we can just stop that by making it harder…? Remember the Berlin Wall?

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Backwards and forwards.

March 9, 2014

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tweeted out yesterday to “turn your clocks back,” for daylight saving time this weekend. In Ford’s case it might not be a rhetorical question to ask “What is that man smoking?”

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But really, springing forward? More like stumbling forwards.

 

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28 Democrats will have an overnight “talkathon” in the Senate Monday night until 9:00 a.m. Tuesday to draw attention to climate change. Wonder how much electricity it will take to keep the lights on.

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“They thought this was a good idea, how?” department: A gun show offered visitors the chance to meet and get an autographed picture from…. George Zimmerman?! You guessed it, Florida.

 

As awful as this Malaysian Airlines flight story appears to be, doesn’t the story – an aircraft that seems to have disappeared into thin air – seem like a bad made-for-TV movie? Where are Rod Serling or Jack Bauer when we need them?

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(Thanks to my friend Jon M. for this setup.)   Tony Romo was at Cameron last night as Duke took on and beat UNC 93-21, and he was cheering for the Blue Devils. Lakers guard Kendall Marshall, a UNC alum tweeted “I understand why nobody likes Romo now.” But hey, had the Dallas QB really made a difference, Duke would have had several passes in the 4th quarter intercepted and turned into scoring plays.

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Wichita State will go to the NCAA Tournament 34-0. And probably get a #1 seed. Wonder how many people will put them in their bracket without knowing WHAT state the Shockers are in?

(from my friend Sean “That school obviously is from the great state of Wichita… said any SEC football player.”)

 

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So if I’ve got this right from CPAC, President Obama is the most ineffectual dictator ever.

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On the other hand, so the US economy added 175,000 jobs in February. And even the Wall Street Journal said that “bolsters hope the economy will break out of its recent slump as spring arrives.”. Can we blame Obama?.

 

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While the Indiana Pacers, 46-17, won on March 1 and 2, they have now lost 4 in a row. Or as the Philadelphia 76ers call that “a great week.”

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Good news for ABC, the NBA game of the week between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Los Angeles Lakers turned out to be more interesting than most people dreamed. Bad news for ABC, most sports fans probably expected the game to be so awful, they didn’t bother to tune in to watch.

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Great ad seen today for a mobile pet grooming service “We cater to cowards.”

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Reader Bob B. asks  “ESPN Tiger-centric? See the ESPN.com homepage this (Saturday) morning for the line: “In progress: Tiger, others try to tame Doral.”

 

(Personally I’m wondering, when Woods retires, will the ESPN headline on Saturday be  something like  “Woods runs errands with children, PGA tournament dontinues.”)

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Random thoughts

November 14, 2013

A thought about all these stores opening Thanksgiving night. Let’s see…take millions of Americans, add family stress, plus alcohol, and put them on the road to the mall. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

Random baseball  thought, none of the 2014 CY Young nor MVP winners played in the World Series. Coincidence? Or is there something about having a superstar on the team that makes others feel less urgency about performing?

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Chris Brown checked out of rehab, about two weeks after he checked in following his latest arrest in Washington, D.C. Too soon to start a pool on the next “incident?”

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In a recent poll, Congress was viewed less favorably than hemorrhoids or toenail fungus. Well, makes sense. There are cures for hemorrhoids and toenail fungus.

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MLB owners today approved funding to expand instant replay in 2014. You know what this means – beer prices are going up.

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Apparently the $10 million annual jeweled “Fantasy Bra” created by Victoria’s Secret isn’t very comfortable. Uh, thinking anyone buying such a bra for a present wouldn’t expect it to stay on very long.

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A blind man was kicked off a US Airways flight because his service dog wouldn’t sit still for takeoff. The flight was then cancelled when so many other passengers protested. Wonder how many of them were protesting that airlines don’t do that with parents and children.

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Just when you think the Toronto mayor story can’t get any weirder. Today Rob Ford, denying an affair with a former staffer. “It says I wanted to eat her (fill in the blank) and I have never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married and I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Is Ford angling for a post with the Clinton Global Initiative.

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On thing about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,  perhaps he puts to rest the image of Canadian politics being boring to rest once and for all.  (for those who don’t remember Pierre Trudeau.)

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Not sure how long this Rob Ford saga will continue. But if there’s a silver lining for anyone, at least the 2013-14 Maple Leafs are just about guaranteed not to be the biggest target of jokes in Toronto.

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A woman on a Southwest plane that made a rapid descent and then made a safe emergency landing at Raleigh-Durham airport, claims the pilot told passengers “We’re in trouble; we’re going down.'” No word on any possible compensation. But wonder if another carrier might have added a “thrill-ride” surcharge.

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Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito has now filed a grievance against the team over his suspension. This might be the biggest mess ever in Florida football not involving Urban Meyer..

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Once again proving that Twitter is a great way to prove you’re an idiot in only 140 characters: The Clippers’ Matt Barnes, DURING last night’s game, after he was ejected , tweeted, “I love my teammates like family, but I’m DONE standing up for these n—as! All this s— does is cost me money. …” The tweet was later deleted.

 

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Just a hunch that a year from now the GOP will be back to Benghazi as an anti-Obama theme. Because as much of a mess as the Obamacare rollout has been in some ways, is it that different than a lot of big high-tech rollouts? Or say, airline mergers? The biggest mistake made may have been the assumption this was going to be smooth from the get go.

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Bill Littlejohn:  USC coach Ed Orgeron’s handwritten thank-you letters to each member of the Trojan marching band defied school tradition–every word in each note was spelled correctly”

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Nerd party

November 8, 2013

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Big nerd party.  In Palo Alto.  And please note, the band is NOT on the field.  Guess they learned with the 1982 Big Game with John Elway.

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You do get the sense more than a few Stanford players got really tired of being referred to as “nice” and “soft” this week. #fearthetree

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Well, many expected the Stanford Oregon game would be a shutout at halftime. They were right.

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And before tonight, for anyone who was buying the b.s. narrative that Stanford football players are overly nice and soft, I have two words for you – “Richard Sherman.”

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The SF 49ers expect Aldon Smith to play Sunday against the Panthers, less than two weeks out of rehab and after both a DUI and being arrested on felony weapons charges earlier this year. I’m sure the fact that he is a star has NOTHING to do with it….

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The FDA is trying now eventually to remove all artificial trans fats – like shortening and margarine, out of the food supply, because they are too dangerous to people’s health. Vindication for all of us who never gave up butter!

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Steve Patterson, the new University of Texas AD, says he doesn’t expect major changes. And alums are thinking, well, we were kind of hoping the football team starts actually winning….

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Charming. Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, the one who asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a prostitute, apparently that suggested that Jonathan Martin “punch” Incognito. And the New Orleans Saints are thinking “Hey at least we went after people who weren’t on our own team?”

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi says that Alex Rodriguez’s hearing is “complicating” things for the team this offseason. With all due respect, hasn’t A-Rod complicated things for the team since the day he arrived?

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The NY Times reports that CIA is paying AT&T more than $10 million per year for “limited access” to the company’s of phone records. Actually AT&T only was probably officially charging them $50,000 – the rest is overage charges.

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John Boehner will not bring ENDA to the House floor, because he “believes this legislation will increase frivolous litigation and cost American jobs.” Well, and if anyone is an expert on frivolity and costing American jobs, it’s the man who had Government workers stay home for 2 weeks over not voting on a spending bill..

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A California man went skydiving for the first time on his 100th birthday. Guess he wanted to wait until his great-grandchildren were old enough to cosign his liability waiver?

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From Gary Bachman  “The Chicago Cubs hired Padres bench coach Rick Renteria as their new manager. Renteria hopes this experience will someday enable him to land a job as a major league manager.”

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A new video has emerged showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in an apparent drunken rage threatening to “murder” someone and “poke his eyes out.”  This man doesn’t want to be mayor, he wants to join the Miami Dolphins.

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Roger Goodell had to be wishing for anything to change the NFL headlines this week with the Dolphins mess. So now we have Tony Dorsett along with other former stars announcing they have been diagnosed with CTE.

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Big winners and losers?

November 6, 2013

 Chris Christie in his victory speech says it’s about showing up. And that “you don’t just show up six months before an election, you show up four years before an election”. Which might be a pre-emptive explanation why he might spend much of the next four years in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina etc.

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Chris Christie won, but the Houston Astrodome lost and will be demolished. It would be tacky to make a joke about a mixed night for supersized entities.

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Will anyone EVER top this political excuse? Toronto mayor Rob Ford is now admitting he smoked crack “probably a year ago” but it was because he was in a “drunken stupor” at the time.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s approval ratings actually went up after it came out that he smoked crack cocaine. So how many members of Congress sent their staffers out on the street for a little…shopping?

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ESPN headline about how poor Ohio State might go undefeated but still might not make it to the BCS title game. Uh, here’s a hint for the Buckeyes. Next time don’t make your out-of-conference games against Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A & M.

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Berkeley police said a fight between two Cal football players in the locker room resulted in one being taken to a hospital. Bears fans were shocked, they didn’t think a member of this year’s team could actually hit anyone.

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Wannabe Darwin award of the week, as in lucky he wasn’t shot: A 21 year old Central Connecticut State University student accidentally caused a three hour lockdown at the school when he walked through campus dressed as. Snake Eyes costume from G.I. Joe for Halloween. Complete with tactical vest, camouflage pants, mask, plastic sword and handgun….

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How quickly things can change. Before last weekend, Miami Dolphins’ fans thought the worst thing happening with their team was a four game losing streak.

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in a recent YouGov poll, only 15% of Americans said they had ever excused themselves “from a social event or a conversation to go to another room to check email.” The other 85% presumably just used their phones during the middle of the event or conversation.

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Joy Johnson, 86, the oldest woman to run the NY Marathon, died the next day. And coach potatoes around the world are saying “See, exercise is dangerous to your health.”

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NY Giants safety Antrel Rolle on the Dolphins’ bullying scandal: “Was Richie Incognito wrong? Absolutely But I think the other guy is just as much to blame as Richie, because he allowed it to happen.” Well of course, Martin should have brought a gun to the locker room, in fact, let’s arm all NFL players…..

 

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Now, who knows how this will all come down, but if the NFL decided to suspend the Saints’ Sean Payton over bounties, going to be really interesting to see what they do with Dolphins’ Joe Philbin and his locker room.

 

Jeff Ireland, GM of the Miami Dolphins, probably had no direct involvement with the current scandal. But Ireland is the man who in 2010 asked Dez Bryant, born to a 15 year old who did time for drug dealing, if his mother was a prostitute. What a classy team….

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And then there’s the short form reaction to the whole Dolphins mess: men are pigs.

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Danger, Danger, Will Robinson….

May 27, 2013

Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Ian Kennedy missed his start today because he cut himself washing the dishes. And all over America, men are going “See, honey, I’d love to help clean up but for men that stuff is dangerous.”

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Sarah Palin attended the NBA playoff game in Indianapolis last night. Presumably to root for Miami. It might have been the only way for Palin to prove she could stand the Heat.

 

The Seattle Seahawks, with 5 players suspended since 2011 for PEDS, called a players only meeting today, reportedly “about not making the same mistakes over and over.” Taking the PEDS? Or getting caught?

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Apparently  Donald Trump has spent over $1 million exploring a potential presidential bid in 2016.   Say what?  The guy wants us to trust him with the U.S. budget, and this is his idea of a good use of money?

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Sergio Garcia says he hopes to meet up with Tiger Woods in person to apologize for his “fried chicken.” Many fans would prefer the two wait to meet up until “Celebrity Boxing.”

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that the media is a ‘bunch of maggots’ for reporting allegations that there is a video of him smoking crack. Wow. What’s next for for Ford if he has to step down… running for Governor of Alaska?

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So the Royal Caribbean fire, 3 nights into a 7 day cruise, appears to have been rather quickly contained, the ship did not lose power, there were no injuries. Plus everyone on board is getting a refund and a certificate for another cruise. But the happiest folks without a doubt- everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines.

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Embattled Rutgers AD Julie Hermann said that university President Robert Barchi has assured her she will keep her job. Uh, but doesn’t that assume Barchi will keep his?

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Since Memorial Day is a good day to remember we are all Americans and in this together, in that spirit will post that Clayton Kershaw, who gave up 4 runs in yesterday’s loss, had not allowed more than 3 earned runs in his last 22 starts. Yes, he is a great pitcher, yes, he is a L.A. Dodger.    (Okay, I’m done now.)

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–A recent poll indicated 54% of Americans still oppose “Obamacare.” And let me guess, before the bill passed, about 99% of that 54% already had health insurance.

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Danica Patrick’s boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse Jr, caused her car and another to wreck in yesterday’s NASCAR race. Guessing there’s a moratorium on “women driver” jokes between them for a while.

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From Marc Ragovin  :Tampa Bay Rays’ pitcher Roberto Hernandez, who was formerly known as Fausto Carmona, got hit hard by the Yankees the other day and now has a 2-5 record and a 5.72 era.  Asked to comment, Rays’ manager Joe Madden said  ‘he’s just not pitching like himself these days.'”

 

 

So if anyone hadn’t eaten enough junk food this weekend, the Bachelorette started tonight: Junk food for the mind

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