Posted tagged ‘facebook jokes’

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So confusing….

February 10, 2012

A picture forwarded by a friend explaining social media:

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Mark Zuckerberg says he inadvertently “liked” Mitt Romney on Facebook. See, this darn thing has become so complicated and convoluted, even its founder gets confused.

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Tiger Woods is back at Pebble Beach. What a week in sports. The most talked about golfer once again is black, and the most talked about NBA player is Asian.

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Anyone on probation is not allowed to possess deadly weapons, but the judge in Barry Bonds’ case is allowing him to keep his baseball bats. As evidence, presumably Bonds referred the judge to the 2011 SF Giants, who showed that their bats couldn’t hurt anyone.

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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson says he believes a major reason the team lost the BCS title game to Alabama 21-0 was the offensive game plan. “Oh stop whining,” said even Giselle Bundchen.

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So who’s going to be the first to do the Dos Equis spoof? “Mitt Romney, the least interesting man in the world.”

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An new study shows a cancer drug has succeeded in reversing early stage Alzheimer’s disease in mice. Which could be very good news in the long run. In the short run, just what we need, smarter mice.

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United and Lufthansa – amongst others – say fuel surcharge is “temporary” and not part of the fare. But on nonrefundable tickets, where the taxes are at least refundable, there is a note – “surcharge will NOT be refunded” if ticket is cancelled. Uh, if you don’t fly, how are you causing them to use fuel?

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Michele Bachmann now says “I was the perfect candidate,” Even Sarah Palin says “This woman is delusional.”
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Jeremy Lin, whose contract with the Knicks was just guaranteed, has apparently been living with his dental student brother. And Jeremy’s been sleeping on the living room couch. Of course, given the rumors about women before his impending divorce, the same probably could have been said at home for Kobe Bryant.

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Let me get this straight, many Americans love Jeremy Lin partly because he graduated from Harvard, but we deride our candidates for the same thing. So we want our NBA stars to be smart but not our Presidents?

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Lebron James and Kendrick Perkins are bickering over James’ tweet about Blake Griffin dunking over Perkins. Kendrick told one reporter “You don’t see Kobe Bryant tweeting, you don’t see Michael Jordan tweeting…” Yeah, but that might be because they are too old to know how.

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Jack in the Box has a bacon milkshake? Who’d a thunk it, someone could make McDonald’s shamrock shake look natural and healthy by comparison.

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From T.C. Tom Brady cancelled playing in the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-AM. Gisele says, you can’t expect my husband to hit the bleeping ball and putt out too!

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Are you ready for some felonies?

September 22, 2011

Okay, the NFL season is officially in full swing: Jerome Simpson and Anthony Collins, are under investigation by law enforcement officials, after a package with about 2.5 pounds of pot was delivered and signed for at Simpson’s residence. And of course Simpson and Collins are teammates, on the Cincinnati Bengals.

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NFL sent a memo to all teams warning of fines, suspensions and more if players fake injuries during a game. “Are you trying to destroy the sport?” asked FIFA?

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Some would say the relatively close wild card races in Major League Baseball are a reason to expand the playoffs? Really? Watching the Red Sox and Rays alternate choking this week makes me think neither of these teams deserves to be in the playoffs as it is.

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Photosensitive epilepsy sufferers can have seizures triggered by “flashing lights or rapidly changing or alternating images.” How long until Facebook starts posting warning disclaimers?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Oklahoma University has given Bob Stoops a seven-year extension worth $34.7 million. And the really good news is that it doesn’t count against the team’s salary cap”

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Another month, another Palin book, this time a memoir from Bristol Palin’s ”baby daddy” Levi Johnston. Not surprisingly, he disagrees with much of what Palin herself wrote. And clearly Johnston is not ready to relinquish the limelight. It’s a shame Bristol and Levi couldn’t work it out, the two of them certainly seem to deserve each other.

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According to a recent poll, 72 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents do not want Sarah Palin to run for president. Funny, that’s about the same precentage of Democrats who do want her to run.

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The two UC Berkeley hikers, Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer, who were arrested while hiking and accused of espionage, were finally freed by Iran. Which is good news. But I have to keep wondering….all the places in the world to hike, maybe they could have chosen a trail that wasn’t near the border of a country that barely has relations with the U.S?

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“Clayton Kershaw established himself as a candidate for the NL CY Young award with his 20th win last night while he lowered his ERA to 2.27. But should his 2011 record have an asterisk? Five of those wins (and five earned runs allowed in 42 innings) were against the Giants.

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Okay, all these people complaining about facts like “The top 10% of earners in this country pay 70 % of the taxes, leave out facts like “The top 1% of earners make more than the bottom 50% combined.” It’s like saying “The Yankees pay the highest luxury tax in MLB, we should cut it to be fairer to them.”

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Facebook has become like the Chicago weather. Don’t like it, no problem. Wait five minutes and it will change.

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Facebook changed their site in a major way AGAIN last night. (And, alas, “improved” the UK English version this morning to eliminate that solution.) Who do they think they are? Netflix?

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Actual serious note at the end here below for a change:

In some situations I am a pro-death penalty Democrat. Troy Davis didn’t seem like one of those situations, though admittedly I only know what I have read recently. But in any case, if his execution happened during a GOP presidential debate there would probably be cheers from the audience. And that makes me sad.

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If it ain’t broke, Facebook will fix it.

September 21, 2011

Facebook came up with more “progress” today, thereby to many users’ minds, messing up a site they had just figured out how to cope with from the last “progress.”

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What’s with these engineers and all this spare time? Can’t they spent their time playing “Angry Birds” or something? (And leave the site along for a few days.)

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One way to get rid of the new Facebook page format (not a joke), is to switch your language preference to U.K English, and then it goes back to the most recent format.

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But U.K. English? Aside from swapping “ER” to “RE” and adding “U”s to colour, labour, etc, what other changes will this bring. Have to wonder if my baseball updates will suddenly become about cricket. And I don’t even want to think about football jokes.

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Many American users are now happy with the U.K English format. Although some of them are experiencing a disconcerting urge not to want to brush their teeth.

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Sometimes there is a nice symmetry in the universe: DADT repealed on the same day as the 2011 premiere of Glee.

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The Red Sox are clinging to a two game wild card lead. Normally this much potential embarrassment in Massachusetts requires one of the state’s politicians to run for President.

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Manny Ramirez now says he hopes to play for a winter league team in his Caribbean homeland. Maybe he’s heard the Dominican Republic has really good pre-natal care.

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Red Sox lose again, 7-5 after an eighth inning comeback by the mighty Baltimore Orioles? Has the entire Boston lineup signed up for an October vacation in Hawaii and not told anybody?

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Executives at the online site Full Tilt Poker have been charged stealing more than $440 million in a Ponzi scheme. $440 million?! If convicted these guys should be so lucky in prison to draw cellmates in prison who are “inside straight.”

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Charlie Sheen is apparently close to settling his lawsuit with Warner TV and is rumored to be receiving $25 million. Not a bad payoff for a guy who called his old boss, amongst other things, a “clown,” “charlatan” and a “turd.”

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It will now cost $12 – up from $8 – to use a bridge or tunnel to enter New York City from New Jersey. Guess the NY Port Authority figures people will pay anything to get out of New Jersey.

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The newly-christened Pac 12 announced tonight that they intend to remain a 12-team conference, thus for now closing off talk of an expansion that would have included Texas and Oklahoma. Wonder what happened? Does the Pac-12 have unreasonable requirements for student-athletes? Like classes? Or a salary cap?

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Dancing With the Stars had their premiere last night. Casual fans who don’t follow the news might be forgiven for asking -“So who’s the transgender contestant – Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace?”

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S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley now admitted that she had no evidence backing her claim that 1/2 of job applicants at a local nuclear reservation flunked a drug test. (The DOE said the number was less than 1 %, and of hires, not applicants.) Haley said “I’ve never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you’re given good information.” Wow, sounds like she’s ready to run for president.

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And R.I.P. Dolores Hope, Bob’s widow, who passed away at the age of 102. As Marc Ragovin said “Only slightly older than her husband’s jokes.”

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Phillie-bot and other machines:

April 21, 2011

 

A baseball-tossing robot – PhillieBot – was booed by Philly fans after its ceremonial first pitch bounced about 10 feet in front of the plate. Nonetheless, after the game the robot was still offered a chance to try out for the Mets bullpen.

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After the robot was booed, he did get a message from Santa, saying “Don’t take it personally.”

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Just wondering, for a pitching robot, is WD40 a performance enhancing drug?

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T.C. said, had the pitch been a strike, the Bot would have still been on the mound in  the fifth inning.

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The Chicago History Museum recently posted on its website a court deposition from Eddie Cicotte, one of the Black Sox, saying that the Chicago Cubs may have been offered money to throw the 1918 World Series. Cubs fans laugh, saying the team has never needed any incentive to lose in the postseason.

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The commissioner of baseball is on top of problems in his usual timely fashion: Bud Selig has announced that MLB is taking control of the Dodgers. Selig says he acted “because of my deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers.” What was his first clue?

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Starting next week the U.S. government will scrap the color-coded warning system, and switch to a two-tiered system – “Imminent Threat Alert,” triggered by a “credible, specific, and impending terrorist threat,” and ““Elevated Threat Alert,” which just warns of a of a “credible terrorist threat.”

So fans of “Orange” will just have to look for Youtube videos of John Boehner.

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A little comfort for the technologically challenged:  You ever have a computer problem make you feel stupid? It could be worse. The SF Chronicle reported that during a big New Year’s Eve fire at a San Francisco apartment the Division of Emergency Services’ main computer lost its Internet connection, and workers couldn’t get the backup system running because no one knew the password.

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McDonalds plans to hire 50,000 people total. These new employees will have a share goal – to make enough money so they won’t have to eat at McDonalds.

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Zoosk, an online social-dating network, released a survey this month that found 39% of American singles would rather have a root canal than watch the royal wedding next Friday. These singles are called “straight men.”

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President Obama had a town-hall style meeting Wednesday. You could tell he was at Facebook; when asked about the status of the budget negotiations, the President replied “It’s complicated.”

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Oscars and other statues

February 28, 2011

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

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On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

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Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

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“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

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Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

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Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

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Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

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One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

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Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

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Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

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Love and money.

December 16, 2010

 Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s 2010 Person of the Year for creating Facebook. Of course, with more and more people getting their news from social media, this means most Americans will hear about the award in a post, instead of reading the magazine.

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Senior citizens heard the Zuckerberg story and said “What’s Facebook?”

Young people heard the story and said “What’s a magazine?”

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Apparently Buckingham Palace has admitted that engagement pictures of Kate and William were slightly retouched before being released to the public.  This, however, is not a new practice.  Apparently when Charles and Camilla had their portrait done, especial attention was paid to Camilla’s mane.

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Carnival Cruise Line, which already cancelled two months of sailings to fix their damaged ship, the Carnival Splendor, announced Wednesday that they would cancel cruises for five more weeks into 2011, as repairs are taking longer than they thought. Which means the ship will be out of commission at least three months.  And you thought your mechanic kept your car in the shop too long.

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The University of Alaska at Fairbanks ranks 8th amongst U.S. colleges with the lowest graduation rates, with only 27 percent graduating. And Sarah Palin angrily responded “They’re not quitters, they’re fighters.” 

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My friend Jeff Klein recently heard a commercial for Hollywood Psychics. It said: We are not witches, gypsies, or pirates; we are you, just psychic.”  Well, that answers the question “Whatever became of Christine O’Donnell?

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The NCAA ruled Arizona State’s baseball team must vacate 44 of its wins from 2007. The team will also be banned from the 2011 postseason for multiple infractions under former head coach Pat Murphy, who “resigned” under pressure after the 2009 season. So what did Murphy think he was running at ASU? A football program?

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Mark Cuban, the flamboyant owner of the Dallas Mavericks, said he has a plan using his own money to entice college football teams into a playoff system instead of the BCS. So this would be a billionaire, fighting millionaires, over alleged amateur athletes, on behalf of the average sports fan. Is this a great country or what?

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Speaking of money, money, money, money, Cliff Lee is being lauded by many sports fans and media types for turning down the highest offer from the Yankees, and following his heart back to Philadelpha.   But, hey, folks, he DID sign for five year at $120 million. Not maybe exactly quite appropriate for a rousing chorus of “What I did for love.”

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Listening to Cliff Lee say it wasn’t about money, but he wanted to go to the team with the best chance of winning a championship. Yo, Cliff, I’m sure the SF Giants would have given you a few million to be their fifth starter.

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Outages?

September 24, 2010

To anyone who saw the SF Giants Chicago Cubs score tonight. It was not a transmission problem, please do not adjust your set.

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The final score 13-0. How bad was it? My twisted friend Ben Burnett said many Cubs fans were feeling guilty, secretly hoping that the would-be bomber would return.

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On the other hand, Facebook had outages all day. The horror. Millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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And as Alex Kaseberg noted, Christine O’Donnell was very upset over Mafia Wars being down. Millions of people were forced to whack themselves.

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Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons fell off a horse and will need surgery for a broken pelvis. But he also apparently will make a full recovery and is “alert and coherent.” Many Nevada voters from both parties are now urging Sharron Angle to go horseback riding
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How can any comedy writer hope to compete with this? Sarah Palin on running for president -“If nobody else wanted to step up, I would offer myself up in the name of service to the public. I don’t need the title, I don’t need — for any kind of self-gratification, any personal power seeking of my own — to run for office,”

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Turns out San Francisco 49ers and Giants fans have something in common. They both root for teams who do all their scoring once a week.

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Seriously, why the SF Giants should make the playoffs – their pitching staff now holds the modern day (since 1920) record for 17 consecutive starts holding the opponents to 3 or less runs. Why they may not make the playoffs. the team has lost 6 of those 17 starts.

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Don Nelson is stepping down as coach of the Warriors. Although many frustrated Golden State fans will tell you he hasn’t been actually coaching the team for years.

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Katy Perry sang her version of “Hot N Cold” for Sesame Street. But the show’s producers decided her bustier was too revealing and pulled the segment before it aired.

Too bad, no doubt millions of kids would have never forgotten “B is for Boobjob.”

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High crimes, misdemeanors, and annoyances…

February 10, 2010

Apologies for this post being late today…put it down to gremlins.

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Embattled New York Governor David Paterson is denying rumors of improper behavior and said “the only way” he’d be “leaving office was in a box.” And Jenny Sanford said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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So as far as I can tell, most Facebook users were perfectly content with the format the way it was, but some executives decided to change it. What happened, did Facebook hire a bunch of guys from the NBC programming department?

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Facebook users are getting increasing frustrated with the confusing changes. As my friend Bill Schmarzo put it, “I’d gotten so used to talking with my friends on Facebook, now I have to go back to old fashioned communication, like email.”

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Kate Gosselin (of Jon and Kate plus Eight) has a book coming out in April. The perfect gift for those who find Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” too intellectual.

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Pat Robertson is so sure that natural disasters are some kind of divine retribution. So isn’t it about time he blames record breaking snow in DC on Congress not being able to pass health care reform?

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Our nation’s capital has been effectively shut down for four days, and a new winter storm may continue that paralysis into next weekend. Guess this means in future maybe we should be on the lookout for terrorists with snow making machines?

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Washington really is a city that can’t handle snow. Several days after the first storm hit, most roads in DC had not been plowed, and only one runway at Dulles airport is open. Although to be fair, this was a big one; to clean up a storm like this in Chicago would have taken at least several hours.

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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Facebook updates:

November 17, 2009

Facebook updates of the day:

Jim Harbaugh is no longer friends with Pete Carroll.

USC and the BCS bowl games are no longer “in a relationship.”

Charlie Weis changed his relationship status with Notre Dame to “it’s complicated.”

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Coach Jim Harbaugh is taking some heat for his decision to go for a two-point conversion Saturday with Stanford leading 48-21. Guess it’s a good thing after the Cardinal went ahead 55-21 that they didn’t implement that onside kick plan.

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President Obama admitted during his trip to Asia, he has never used Twitter. Many Americans were shocked. Of course, no one expected that Vice President Joe Biden has used Twitter. There’s no chance he could get a thought down to 140 characters.

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How white is Sammy Sosa getting from that face cream? When asked about steroids he no longer speaks broken English, but he is saying that he doesn’t want to talk about the past.

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from Alex Kaseberg – to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”

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Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for an obscene gesture to Buffalo fans after his team’s win over the Bills. Well, at least that’s one bad thing that won’t happen this year to Al Davis.

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Of course, in Adams’ defense. He IS 86 years old. So maybe he was just trying to make the V for Victory sign, and couldn’t move his fingers.

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The University of Michigan admitted that football coach Rich Rodriguez failed to file the required NCAA forms tracking how much time his players spent on football including practice last year.. Well, I know rules are rules, but it’s not like any extra time did them any good.

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The way the Giants and Jets are playing, fans in New York are getting a glimpse of what it’s like to be Canadian Football League fans. Your season’s over before December.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that when John McCain first chose her as his running mate, she claims her biggest fear was that it would be exposed that she once got a D in a college course. And the last thing she wanted President Bush to think is that she was a braggart.

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Conspiracy is no match for stupidity.

September 12, 2009

Yet another example why I am not generally a conspiracy theorist. Could many conspirators have come up with a better way to nearly cause hysteria in Washington DC, than whoever in the Coast Guard approved a training exercise where their boats supposedly fired on a suspicious craft in the Potomac on September 11?

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Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, in his first year of eligibility – five years after his final retirement. Which means that Pete Rose is likely to be a Hall of Famer before Brett Favre.

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In a recent survey, one in ten British drivers admit to using Twitter while driving. The other 90 percent say it would be way too dangerous a distraction, especially while they are updating their Facebook profiles.

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It’s looking increasingly likely that the SF Giants will have something in comment with the Oakland Raiders. Neither seem destined for meaningful games in October.

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A 40 year old Ohio man has just achieved the first perfect score in the nearly thirty year history of the video game Pac-Man. His next challenge – going out on his first date.

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The NFL has decided on a compromise blackout decision for teams who cannot sell out their home games. The affected games will not be shown live, but will be shown for free after midnight. Which is not a bad idea….given past history, Raiders and Bengals games, for example, might be deemed inappropriately scary for children.

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69 year old football coach Bill Snyder of Kansas State agreed to a new five-year contract worth over $9 million. Joe Paterno called the deal “just another example of paying for youth over experience.”.

Commie pinko time again.

Three questions for the “Tea Baggers” and others against health care reform.

1. So given the probable H1N1 epidemic this fall, what would you prefer? A world in which poor and uninsured people who think they have the flu get tested and treated, even if it’s aided by taxpayer dollars? Or a world in which those same people stay away from doctors, hope for the best, and go to work or school anyway?

2. Considering the incredible public relations potential, I wonder why those who are anti-health care reform don’t trot out all the uninsured, especially those who are unemployed, who want the government to get out of the way so they can get good health insurance again in the free market.

3. For all the Republicans who say they want to reform the system, just not in the way Barack Obama has proposed, why the heck didn’t they do it when they controlled the Presidency and both Houses of Congress.

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