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Here’s the pitch

June 1, 2010

Ubaldo Jiminez outdueled Tim Lincecum Monday afternoon in San Francisco in a 4-0 Rockies win. But to be fair, Lincecum didn’t have the advantage of pitching against the Giants lineup.

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On Tuesday June 1, the Florida Marlins will sell unused tickets to the game in which the Roy Halladay of the Phillies pitched a perfect game, a 1-0 victory over the Marlins on May 30.

While I sympathize with the team’s desire to make money, doesn’t that cheapen it for the hundreds of people who were actually there?

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The Nationals have announced that highly touted prospect Stephen Strasburg will make his first start in Washington June 8 against the Pittsburg Pirates. Disappointing all those who wanted to see his debut against major league pitching.

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As the Celtics prepare to meet the Lakers in the NBA finals, some people think that the team mailed it in for much of the regular season. Not saying there’s any truth to that, but Boston was named the official team of the U.S. Post Office.

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Senator David Vitter from Louisiana says he still supports off-shore oil drilling, despite the BP disaster, because otherwise every time there is a plane crash, we should “oppose air travel.” Last time I checked, however, plane crashes, while awful, don’t spread wreckage over several states and potentially destroy ecosystems.

Vitter, you may remember, is the congressman who was caught in a prostitution scandal both in New Orleans and in Washington. How embarrassing. Many of the prostitutes involved are now ashamed to have been with someone who’s such a whore for BP.

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One of those “TMI” subplots with Vitter’s prostitution scandal was that the congressman had a bit of a diaper fetish. Wonder if he’s thinking diapers now might help stop the oil leaks.

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Celene Dion is apparently pregnant with twins. Assuming a healthy and successful pregnancy she plans to take some time off from singing. Which means good wishes are flowing in from all over the world.

from Marc Ragovin:

So we just celebrated Memorial Day, which is the unofficial start of summer. And the official end of the Pirates’ season.

and from Bill Littlejohn:

On the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey being selected to host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl: “The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice.’’

(I’ve got to think that with the probable freezing temperatures, all any woman performance will need is to go bra-less for a “wardrobe malfunction.”)

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

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Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

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Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

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Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

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Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

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The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

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New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

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A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

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USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

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A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

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commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

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In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

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Real women don’t play softball?

May 15, 2010

The New York Post ran a picture of Elena Kagan suggesting she was a lesbian because she played softball.

Eric Brynes just walked away from Major League Baseball to play softball for the Dutch Goose (a Northern California bar) team. Guess that means HE might be a lesbian?

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California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman’s latest television ad says “I strongly oppose Barbara Boxer and I am working hard to defeat her.” Wow. Maybe if Meg had voted more often she might remember that potential Governors run against other potential Governors in November, not Senators.

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Everything is warm and fuzzy now with Britain’s new coalition government, where Conservative David Cameron has appointed Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg as “Deputy Prime Minister.” Wait until Clegg realizes that new title means almost as much responsibility as being U.S. vice president.

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Donovan McNabb, in an interview with a Philadelphia sports radio station after being traded to Washington, that “more than anything,” he apologized to Eagles fans for not bringing them a Super Bowl championship.

Well, that shouldn’t be as much of a problem this year, as for Redskins’ fans in the era of Dan Snyder, the first question would be “what’s a Super Bowl?”

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There is some new Facebook group titled “I am so old I have actually dialed a rotary phone.” What about a group simply saying “I am so old I actually know what a rotary phone WAS?”
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After scoring four runs in three games against the San Diego Padres, the San Francisco Giants beat Houston tonight 8-2.

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Proving one good way to at least temporarily get out of a team-wide hitting slump? Play the Houston Astros.

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And actually, for as great as the Giants’ pitching has been, the Padres’ pitching staff actually owns better numbers this year.

But to be fair, San Francisco’s pitchers are at a major disadvantage as far as statistics – they don’t get to face their own lineup.

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One of my longest term friends in the travel industry, Suzanne Horning, forwarded this anti-terrorism idea to me. Author unknown.

A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth passengers step into that doesn’t X-ray anyone, but simply detonates any explosive devices.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

And an added benefit, for passengers in the airport terminal who hear a muffled explosion, there could be one more spot open on the standby list.

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To sleep, perchance to miss an at-bat?

May 12, 2010

A story, made the national media that Ken Griffey, Jr, had fallen asleep in the Seattle clubhouse in the late afternoon Saturday, and missed a pinch-hit opportunity, Today, Griffey, 40, claims the story is untrue, and that he was awake, available, etc, etc. In short, sounds like the “Whine of the Ancient Mariner.”

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Griffey claims he never naps in the clubhouse, at least since somebody stole his “blankee.”
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or

Ken Griffey, Jr., 40, is fending off reports that he took a nap in the late innings of a Saturday afternoon game last weekend and thus missed a pinch hit opportunity. Griffey says he NEVER naps in the late afternoon, otherwise he’d miss the Early Bird Special.

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Some players doubt Griffey’s story, others believe him. And no one would question Jr. in the S.F. Giants clubhouse; most of their offense has been asleep all year.
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So the AP is going to re-vote the NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award after Brian Cushing tested positive for PEDs. Let’s hope this doesn’t start a trend, or if it does, that the Major League Baseball MVP list at Cooperstown is written in erasable ink.

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The Cavaliers lost to Boston 102-88, in Cleveland. It was the most embarrassing beating at home since Elin took after Tiger with that nine-iron.

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History majors version of the above joke: Boston 102, Cleveland 88? Last time any Cavaliers looked this bad, King Charles I ended up getting beheaded.

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While the Big Ten has been talking about expansion, commissioner Jim Delany denied a rumor saying that conference officials Tuesday have already made offers to four schools. Possible translation – we’re still negotiating or they’ve turned us down.

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NASCAR opened their Hall of Fame Tuesday in Charlotte, N.C. Presumably the directions to get there involve nothing but left turns.

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David Cameron, 43, took over today as Prime Minister of Great Britain. Although Cameron is a conservative, President Obama congratulated him on the win. Actually, Barack, 49, is thrilled that some leader will actually consider him a “Senior Statesman.”

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Executives from three different oil companies spent the day at a Senate Hearing pointing fingers at each other for the BP oil rig spill. It was the biggest blame-game in Washington since the Capitals got bounced out of the NHL playoffs in the first round.

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from Bill Littlejohn: Mike Tyson says he is now a vegan. Which means he only nibbles on ears of corn.

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A Republican congressional candidate in Northern California, Brad Goehring, has run into controversy after posting this on his Facebook page: “I could issue hunting permits, I would officially declare today opening day for liberals. The season would extend to November 2 and have no limits on how many taken as we desperately need to ‘thin’ the herd.”

Of course, some of the complaints are from constituents who think what he wrote was awful and disgusting, and the others are upset because they don’t see why it shouldn’t be open season on liberals all year.

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Better late than never?

April 29, 2010

On Wednesday, the U.S. picked up a belated bronze medal at the 2000 Olympic games, when the IOC stripped China of a bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastic event. Apparently after an investigation they found one of the Chinese girls was underage. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

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A Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta was diverted to Bangor when a passenger claimed he had a bomb on board. Turns out it was all a misunderstanding, he was just talking about his new DVD copy of “All About Steve.”
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With the new Dallas Football Classic and the Pinstripe Bowl, 70 of 120 D1 NCAA football teams will be able to play in bowl games. What a relief for all those 5-7 teams who just missed postseason competition.

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Shocking evening in the NHL tonight. A top-seeded team went home after the first round. And it wasn’t the San Jose Sharks.

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The Braves have lost eight in a row, the Hawks are on the brink of elimination. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, General Sherman was involved.

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Another wrinkle in the immigration debate. Many people in Washington D.C. are now wondering if Canadiens can be added to the deportation list. Retroactively.

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So Charlie Crist, who has been a pretty decent and popular Republican governor of Florida, has now announced he will run for the U.S. Senate as an independent because he is trailing so badly in the Republican primary. Crist’s “crime” – he hasn’t been anti-Obama enough

Just think, these days Will Rogers could have been a Republican.

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An anonymous line passed on by Ray Di Fazio. Earl Woods’ last words to his son Tiger “Focus on golf. F**k everything else.”

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The NFL Players Association has stated that interviews with potential players need to be professional and not “cross a line.” What’s the line? Not sure, but I’m pretty sure that asking “Was your mother a prostitute” is beyond it.

(tacky time)

Actually, the nonprofessional but completely apropos response that Dez Bryant could have made was “Why, do you think your father might have been her client?” (Or since we are going that low – Why, does your mother think she recognizes her as an ex-coworker?”)

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And baseball rant.

Three things that San Francisco Giants fans want: 1. Buster Posey. 2. A real leftfielder. 3. Bruce Bochy to keep his &#*$!@%# hands OFF starting pitchers in the 9th inning.

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The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

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High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

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Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?

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Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

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How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.

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A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

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Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

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60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

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The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

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from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

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In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

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If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”

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And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…
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We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.

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Is the fog lifting…?

April 21, 2010

In the Sharks- Avalanche NHL playoff game tonight, Dan Boyle scored the first goal. Into the correct net. Wonder if he’s the first NHL player ever to score back-to-back playoff goals for two different teams?

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Heard about the new Icelandic volcano cocktail? Just one and you may not be able to make it home.

(And as Alex Kaseberg adds – it will knock you on your ash.)

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The San Francisco Giants lost a game Tuesday 1-0 when their starting pitcher Jonathan Sanchez threw a one-hitter. They have scored three runs in three games. This is the kind of performance that makes fans want to fire the hitting coach. Assuming the team HAS a hitting coach.

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The Chicago Cubs have lost four in a row, and to the lowly Astros and Mets no less. Well, it’s only April, but looks like the team is already in mid-summer form.

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Donovan McNabb is apparently urging his new team, the Washington Redskins, to sign his old teammate Terrell Owens. Looks like another chapter in the future book “Smart Quarterbacks, Foolish Choices.”

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As part of a promotion for the Robogames, the San Francisco 49ers put their kicker, Joe Nedney, up against Ziggy the Robot in a kicking competition. Nedney won. Undaunted, Ziggy has asked for a throwing competition against JaMarcus Russell.

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“420” has become a code word for marijuana consumption and as such has sparked pot smoking parties on April 20 across the country. Curiously enough, 420 is also the number of calories in two original Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

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The Icelandic volcanic air chaos seems to be abating for now. But worries about future eruptions may have a long-term effect on government travel as the U.S doesn’t want high-level officials stranded. Hillary Clinton, for example, may be spending a lot more time at home. And Bill Clinton just asked that Iceland be added to the “axis of evil.”

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Kate Gosselin was kicked off “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. Which means she will just have to go back home to her regular daily life of ignoring her children.

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“This could go on all day and night, it could you know and it just might..”

April 18, 2010

The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game on Saturday afternoon, and evening. How long was the game? When it started, Joe Biden was just beginning a speech. And when it ended, he was almost done.

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The 20 inning game ended up with the New York beating St. Louis 2-1. Or as Mets fans call that “an offensive explosion.”

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The Orioles are 1-11 this year. Which means the unthinkable has happened. The Nationals, 6-5, actually have Washington, D.C. area bragging rights.

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How frustrated are fans getting in Baltimore? Apparently there is a petition going around to Indianapolis – “Since you took the Colts, can you take the Orioles, please?”

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As the volcanic ash cloud continues to ground flights in Europe, many in the industry wonder which will come first – the resumption of flights, or the decision by some carriers to start charging passengers a surcharge to cover the costs of this and future eruptions?

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Jerry Brown, currently running for governor of California (again), challenged his billionaire Republican challengers Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner to a pre-primary debate on the issues. Poizner accepted. Whitman declined and said she would simply buy an hour on a competing network to run a $1 million informercial.

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You do get the feeling, however, that California voters might be more engaged if these three candidates all teamed up with celebrity partners, aired a dance contest, and let people call in for their favorites.

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Not to say Jerry Brown is old, but many younger voters are wondering if he is related to the guy who used to be governor in the 1970s.

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This is a repeat joke, but giglish.com picked it up for a repeat, and in honor of the beginning of the playoffs…

The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced.

Sort of like travelling in the NBA.

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And finally a riddle from Bill Littlejohn:

What did Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, and the Houston Astros have in common coming into Thursday night? They were all 0-8. –

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Baseball and other games…

April 16, 2010

The Oakland As are discounting tickets to their April 20-22 series against the New York Yankees to as little as $9 each. So what does that mean? New York fans could buy a cheap roundtrip flight and game tickets probably for less than they could see a game at Yankee Stadium!

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The Los Angeles Angels are 3-7, their worst start since 2002. I don’t know if this is a worse omen for them or the San Francisco Giants.

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The volcano in Iceland is playing havoc with European air travel. And here many of us naively thought the biggest eruption we’d see this April would come from Milton Bradley.

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On top of all the earthquakes and floods, now volcanic ash from Iceland has delayed and canceled over 10,000 flights to and from Europe. It’s only April, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” for 2010, can I nominate Mother Nature?

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commie pinko sidebar:

Regarding all these Tea Partiers who are screaming bloody murder about wasteful government spending on things like the stimulus and health care. Isn’t there just ONE of them who would decry the trillion or so dollars the U.S. government has spent since we invaded Iraq?

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And there was a big Tea Party rally against excessive government spending today in Washington, D.C.. Many people brought their families. Wonder if afterwards they took the kids to the Smithsonian.
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back to sports etc.

The top-seeded Washington Capitals were upset by the eight-seeded Montreal Canadians Thursday night, a day after the San Jose Sharks fell to the Colorado Avalanche. Will the theme of this year’s NHL playoff’s be “Another number one bites the dust?”

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Gone in 60 seconds…

April 12, 2010

Texas Stadium was imploded today in about 60 seconds. Which was the fastest implosion in Cowboys history, at least since Tony Romo muffed that field goal snap in the 2007 playoffs against the Seahawks.

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Pittsburgh pitchers gave up 13 runs to the Diamondbacks in the fourth inning. This was the worst Pirate performance since some idiots from Somalia accidentally attacked a U.S. Navy warship.

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Commie pinko question of the day

Which is whiter? A Tea Party rally or a Masters crowd?

(not sure of the answer, although with Tiger playing, there was at least one black man at Augusta.)

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Now that Tiger Woods has gotten back to playing golf, maybe there will be more focus on his game and less on his marriage. Of course, there is also that little issue where one of Woods’ doctors has been linked to HGH and other performance enhancing drugs.

Tiger, however, denies that he ever received PEDs from Canadian doctor Anthony Galea. And why would we have any reason to doubt him?

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At a brief press conference in San Francisco (on the occasion of the 10th anniversary of A T and T/Pac Bell Park), Barry Bonds was asked if he was going to announce his retirement. “It’s not necessary,” Bonds said. “Retirement isn’t that important.”

“Amen,” added Brett Favre.

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The Blue Jays have started off 2010 with a 5-1 record. This is a shock to sports fans in Toronto, since between the Maple Leafs and the Raptors, they don’t expect wins in April.

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Tiger, Tiger…

April 8, 2010

Starting tomorrow, nonstop media analysis of the question ‘Is the media making too much of Tiger Woods’ return?”

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This one is tacky – Some say that the whole circus atmosphere surrounding Tiger Woods’ return is reminiscent of the O.J. Simpson case, without of course, anyone being murdered. And Elin Woods is thinking to herself, not if my swing was better.

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Augusta National Golf Club chairman Billy Payne criticized Tiger Woods for disappointing fans, saying “he forgot to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invisibility.” Strong words from the head of a club that refused to intergrate until 1990 and still prohibits women members.

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Apparently the Chicago Cubs now have the most expensively priced regular tickets in Major League baseball, having overtaken the Yankees and Red Sox. Makes sense though, the Cubs need to do something to compensate for that lack of post-season revenue.

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A United Airlines flight from Washington, D.C. to Denver had to land with a fighter jet escort tonight. Apparently a Qatari diplomat caused a bomb scare by trying to smoke in an airline bathroom. Suggestion to add to the airline’s buy-on-board list? Nicorette gum.

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Apparently the diplomat will not face criminal charges. But isn’t it time to make criminal stupidity at least a misdemeanor?

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Just how much is Duke’s men’s basketball team considered an “Evil Empire?’ Apparently even the New York Yankees were rooting for Butler.

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The Washington Redskins so dominate the news in our nation’s capital, that on opening day for the Nationals, all the media talk was about Donovan McNabb. Apparently Bud Selig was watching local television and turned his set off in disgust. Which, ironically, was the same thing fans did who actually started watching the Nationals game.

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The San Francisco Giants have started the season 3-0. And for those Giants fans who think it couldn’t be better. The Los Angeles Dodgers are 0-2.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs will finish 29th out of 30 teams in the NHL this year. Many hockey fans are shocked….there’s a team worse than the Leafs?

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Tim Horton’s, a Canadian doughnut chain, has introduced a breakfast sandwich which comes in at about 530 calories. The Toronto Star described it as “packing a calorie wallop.” Many Americans would consider it an appetizer.

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April madness?

April 7, 2010

The NCAA basketball tournaments are done. So for fans of Madness now the best options may be to root for this to be the Chicago Cubs’ year, or for the Sharks to finally make it through the playoffs.

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President Obama’s first pitch before the Nationals’ home opener has been universally panned as not one of his best. But give the guy credit, he threw harder than Jamie Moyer.

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Jamie Moyer, 47, made the Phillies final roster as the fifth starter. He made his major league debut in 1986, and has been in professional baseball ever since. In fact, though he has taken some turns in the minors, Moyer has never once, ever briefly, announced his decision to retire. “Amateur!”, says Brett Favre.

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Milwaukee Brewers owner Mark Attanasio has been complaining publicly about his team struggling to sign first baseman Prince Fielder, while the New York Yankees seem to have an unlimited budget. Yankees president Randy Levine told Attanasio to quit whining, and politely suggested he eat cake.

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Los Angeles mayor Antonio Viillaraigosa hopes to solve the city’s budget crisis by shutting down all city services twice a week. Which means many city employees will essentially end up working a little more than half their scheduled hours. Sort of how the Lakers approach the regular season.

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Golden State Warriors’ head coach Don Nelson had a chance to pass Lenny Wilkens for the most all-time wins in the NBA Tuesday night, but his team fell short 112-94 against the now 24-53 Washington Wizards.

On a brighter note, by not having his record setting win be against the Wizards, Nelson does avoid an asterisk.

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Meg Whitman has already spent $59 million of her own money on a campaign to become Governor of California. This could turn out to be the biggest waste of money in the state since the Dodgers gave a two-year $45 million contract to Manny Ramirez.

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The victorious UConn women’s basketball team will get a White House visit, but Stanford did get a consolation post-game visit from VP Joe Biden. Although as a Cardinal fan I have to think, darn shame Biden didn’t go to the Huskies’ locker room at half-time for a few encouraging words – the UConn players might have missed most of the 2nd half.

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great line from my friend Jim Barach:

“Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens says he will decide soon on when he will retire. He turns 90 this month. He had better decide soon on everything.”

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The conclusion of Holy Week?

April 6, 2010

It’s been quite a Holy Week for a broad spectrum of Americans – what with Passover, Easter, Opening Day…

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With the NCAA men’s final in Indianapolis, Duke was, to put it mildly, not popular. I think there were more fans in your average Star Wars movie audience rooting for Darth Vader.

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski told ESPN.com that he “I wouldn’t have any interest” in the job of coaching the New Jersey Nets, no matter what salary he was offered. And Coach K has a point, in next year’s NCAA tournamnent, the Nets probably would be no more than a six seed.

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Donovan McNabb denies that he said if traded to the Raiders he would retire. He simply said if he was sent to Oakland it would mean he would be done with professional football

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Barack Obama heard some boos amongst the cheers when he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener today. On the brighter side, he heard less boos than the Nationals pitching staff.

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Senator John McCain said today “I never considered myself a maverick.” For a man who wanted to be in President Obama’s shoes, these days McCain seems better suited to John Kerry’s flip-flops.

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Opening night…

April 5, 2010

Yes, baseball season has officially started. With the Yankees vs. the Red Sox on ESPN Sunday night. So good of the league to use a high profile opening Sunday night game to showcase two small market teams.

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The Yankees’ actually blew a 5-1 lead in the opening game of the season, as the Red Sox eventually got to C.C. Sabathia for five runs and then tacked on four more against New York relievers. Which wasn’t that upsetting to Yankees fans. They’ll just start looking to buy a new bullpen.

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Bud Selig has a new committee to find ways to improve Major League Baseball. Here’s hoping their first selection is “Get rid of Bud Selig.”

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Back to basketball: On Easter Sunday, as Butler prepared for the NCAA tournament final, the team prayed for another miracle – like the referees calling fouls on Duke.

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Throughout the NCAA’ tournament, teams and players have credited God for their success. And today God responded “Don’t look at me, I sure didn’t have Duke-Butler.”

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The official drink of the NCAA Final Four this year is Coke Zero. How appropriate – Zero is about the number of people with even reasonably accurate brackets.

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Anything can happen, but anyone else think after watching this weekend’s game that the real national championship ought to be between the Duke men and the UConn women?
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Question for the night – Which black leader now has a bigger mess to try to clean up in Washington – Barack Obama or Donovan McNabb?

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Sunday headline on SI.com -“Tiger makes low-key arrival at Augusta National.” I guarantee this will be the only time this week the words “Tiger” and low-key” will be used in the same sentence

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Brook Lopez left Stanford early to play for the New Jersey Nets. Winners now of 11 games. And had he only stayed at Stanford he might have led the this year’s team all the way to the NIT.

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This will only make sense to “House” fans. But actor Kai Penn is apparently leaving his White House job. Which means Kutner died for nothing.

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A subtle classy joke from Alex Kaseberg: John Edwards’s mistress, Rielle Hunter, said she doesn’t like the word “mistress.” Maybe she would prefer the term: adulterer hose-bag skank-bucket?

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Slouching towards opening day..

March 31, 2010

Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener against the Phillies on April 5. If he gets it over the plate the Nats may immediately sign him for the opening day roster.

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President Obama will throw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener on April 5. The Tea Party people are, however, staying away from this one. Not even the most hardened conservative could say with a straight face that government invention could make the Nats any worse.
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The New York Yankees have an ambidextrous pitcher, Pat Venditte, in camp, and he threw with both arms in a game against the Braves on Tuesday. So just how many times in an at-bat do he and a switch-hitter get to change their minds?

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Mayflower Madam” (and St. Mary’s in Moraga graduate) Kristin Davis says she is now running for Governor of New York. Davis, who formerly “supplied” Eliot Spitzer with women, says she wants to legalize and tax both marijuana and prostitution. Well, if she is elected, at least the state won’t have any surprise sex scandals.

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Secretary of state Ame Duncan said in a CNN interview that he is worried about some student athletes who are “simply used by by their universities to produce revenue.” The NCAA denied these allegations and reminded all fans to purchase their Final Four t-shirts online at NCAA.com

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Another reason we love Coach Tara VanDerveer: After the Stanford women won at the buzzer to get to the final four, a shot following two impossibly easy missed layups by Xavier, one of the players stated:. “That’s got to be divine intervention.” Tara’s response – “I believe God has better things to be doing,”

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Wonder why Ricky Martin chose this week to say he was gay? Maybe he figured the news would go unnoticed while people focused on the equally shocking new study that found Yankees players were the highest paid professional athletes.

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The Oakland Raiders are rumored to be trying to deal for Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles want a top draft pick. Shame Oakland can’t make the deal by giving Philadelphia one of their recent top draft picks.

(like Jamarcus Russell or Darrius Hayward-Bey.)

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As Jesse James becomes the latest celebrity husband to head into rehab, one question comes to mind. Will we ever see one of these guys decide they need help BEFORE they get caught by the tabloids?

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Larry Ellison is thinking of buying the Golden State Warriors, a team with consistently great attendance and consistently bad to mediocre results in the actual games. What, were the Cubs not available?

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And it’s Al Gore’s birthday today, March 31. Not to say Al’s getting up there, but Tipper is leaving the candles off his cake to help reduce global warming.

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It’s November, isn’t there a baseball game somewhere?

November 9, 2009

The U.S. Northwest has been hit by a major early snow storm this week. Or as Bud Selig calls it “Baseball weather.”

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Now that the New York Yankees have won a World Championship they intend to stay on top but have promised some responsibility in their free agent off-season signings. Which means they intend to keep their payroll under $300,000,000.

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For those who are still complaining about the weather with the World Series, pitchers and catchers report to spring training in less than 100 days, in mid-February. Of course none of those games are played further north than Arizona.

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Breckenridge, Colorado, has voted to legalize marijuana for adults 21 and over. Which gives San Franciso a few years to follow suit so they don’t lose Tim Lincecum as a free agent to the Rockies.
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What a couple weeks for the Green Bay Packers. First they lose to the oldest quarterback in the NFL, Brett Favre, then they lose to the youngest quarterback, Josh Freeman. Didn’t we already see this nightmare with the ghosts of Christmas Past and Christmas Future…. ?

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Stanford football is back in the the AP top 25 for the first time in eight years. But they are guaranteed not to stay in that place next week. Because they play USC. Who is ranked number 11. Which means either they score a huge upset, and jump up. Or lose and fall out of the rankings. But isn’t a number 25 team supposed to lose to a number 11 team. For that matter, a number 12 team is supposed to lose to a number 11 team. And they wonder why fans don’t trust the polls and the BCS system…

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For that matter, I generally don’t believe in conspiracies because it’s hard for even two people to keep a secret. Besides, with the rumored SEC referee conspiracy what would be the point? Helping a conference team stay undefeated and get into the championship game or at least a BCS bowl? The payout for those games, which gets shared with other conference teams, is only about $18 million. Oops…. Never mind.

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So the healthcare bill passed the House with one Republican vote. Which means calling it bi-partisan is like calling the Detroit Lions a winning team.

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Rachel Christie, Miss England, has had to give up her crown after a drunken bar fight with Miss Manchester. She is, however, entertaining offers to become either Miss Country Western Music or Miss World Cup.

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from the very funny Jim Barach…

President Clinton says he wishes there weren’t term limits on the presidency and that he would have preferred to be taken from the White House in a coffin. He forgets how close Hillary was to granting him that request.

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As we approach the World Series.

October 21, 2009

One question, we’ve already had sub-freezing weather in Denver, and games played in the low 40s in Philadelphia and New York. Maybe it’s time to rename the World Series the “Winter Classic?”

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With friends like these…

Ohio State receiver DeVier Posey is a good friend of embattled quarterback Terrelle Pryor. (Pryor committed four turnovers during the Buckeyes’ upset loss to Purdue.) Said Posey of Pryor – “He’s going to get better. He really can’t do much worse.”

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To be fair, Posey probably didn’t see Kerry Collins’ performance last weekend for the Tennessee Titans.

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Cedric Benson believes his ex-team, the Chicago Bears, did all they could to keep him from signing with Cincinnati by passing on negative information to the Bengals – presumably like his stats.

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The Southeastern Conference suspended the officiating crew from last weekend’s Arkansas-Florida game for at least three weeks. This after the crew blew their second major call this year. Is it too late to put the SEC in charge of Major League Baseball’s postseason?

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The Yankees are scoffing at allegations that closer Mariano Rivera has been cheating by throwing a spitball. A team spokesman said they intend to buy this World Series fair and square.

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After his ex-mistress, 22, started phoning his wife, ESPN analyst Steve Phillips called polce saying “I have extreme concerns about the health and safety of my kids and myself.” Somehow I don’t see this putting him in the finals for the “concerned father of the year award.

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Erratic behavior..

October 16, 2009

TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract based on his erratic behavior. But seriously, if you were looking for reasonable behavior would you really choose someone who thought it was a good idea to have eight children?

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Well, unfortunately for Yankees haters, tonight we discovered that you really can’t spell Los Angeles Angels without at least three “Es”.
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Recently released NCAA transcripts from 2006-7 show that some Florida State football players were reading at a second-grade level. Over at USC they were shocked – there are college football players who actually read?
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Michael Vick had better not participate in any taunting when the Eagles play the Raiders Sunday. I think it violates the terms of his parole to be cruel to dogs.

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The Eagles-Raiders game didn’t sell out and will be blacked out this Sunday. Is the NFL really using the right incentives? Maybe they should have threatened that without a sell out, it would be the only game broadcast in Oakland?

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According to SI.com, Stephen Strasburg, the Washington Nationals’ most highly-hyped prospect ever, had a strong first start in the Arizona Fall League. Well, he’s already accomplished one thing – this might be the first time the words “Washington Nationals” have been used in a baseball game story in October.

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From T.O to T.J. Now Seahawks receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is is complaing that he’s not getting the ball enough. Maybe because none of the coaching staff can fit his name in the playbook?

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Another comment on Garth Brooks coming out of retirement, from Bill Littlejohn: “Relax, Padres fans; it’s to sing.’’

But actually, could Garth hit that much worse than the regular Padres lineup?

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Columbus Day..

October 13, 2009

Monday was Columbus Day. Which means many conservatives coud use the day off from work to continue their protests against illegal immigrants.

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The Denver Broncos ran their record to 5-0, despite wearing throwback uniforms that were so despised by the original AFL team that wore them that they were publicly burned the following year. At this point Raiders fans are considering a similar plan – with the team still in them.

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How bad looking were the uniforms? Even University of Oregon players wouldn’t be caught dead in them.

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It’s been a bad postseason for closers. In fact, there’s already been so many blown saves, some fans think they are watching the Sharks in the playoffs.

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When they play the Kansas City Chiefs Sunday, the Washington Redskins will become the first NFL team ever to play six straight games against previously winless opponents. Apparently last year’s Detroit Lions intra-squad games don’t count.

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Philadelphia fans were thrilled with their team’s ninth inning comeback Monday night. It means they get to once again boo the Phillies in the NLCS.

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Maurice Sendak has been popular for over 30 years, often by writing books that appeal more to children than their parents. While “Where the Wild Things Are.” has not appeared at the theatre yet, the author did provide a glimpse of the attitude that appeals to many children…..

A reporter asked him ‘What would you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?”

Sendak: “I would tell them to go to hell.””

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With all the jokes about the Nobel committee turning the Peace prize into a joke, maybe it’s time for a few new Nobel prizes.

For Joe Biden, if he can ever learn to shut up – “The Nobel Cease Prize.”

For Captain “Sully” Sullenberger – “The Nobel Geese Prize.”

For AIG “The Nobel Fleece Prize.”

For Conan O’Brien’s hair – “The Nobel Grease Prize.

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Commie pinko time.

Health insurance companies are claiming that over the next decade, Senate legislation will result in families paying thousands more a year for their premiums. As opposed to the status quo, where they will end up paying tens of thousands more for their premiums.

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