Author Archive

A few Masters thoughts, etc.

April 13, 2009

Conversation heard across America at offices on Monday morning:  Hey, did you see who won the Masters after Phil and Tiger flamed out?

 Yeah, me neither.

 

Nothing against all the worthy golfers in the playoffs, but wasn’t the Masters’ ending kind of like watching  the NBA finals if the Lakers and Cavaliers had been eliminated in the first round??

 

But for Americans who like to cheer for people they haven’t been paying attention to all year…here come the Stanley Cup Playoffs…

 –

Usain Bolt, 22, of Jamaica, has just admitted smoking marijuana in this youth.  In homage to Saturday Night Live “I’m really shocked,” said absolutely no one.

Although at meets within Jamaica, can “non-use” of marijuana be considered performance-enchancing?

Doritos has just come out with  “late night” flavors of their tortilla chips. Seriously.  The flavors are “Taco” and “Jalapeno Poppers.”  Presumably that allows them to get one flavor each endorsed by Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.

And just apropos of nothing.  Except the budget deficits faced across the country by states including California.  Marijuana remains illegal in this country…and the last three Presidents have admitted to smoking it.  (As did the children of the two who preceded them.)

Was the Easter Bunny on steroids?

April 13, 2009

You might wonder if your Easter Bunny was on steroids if…

If you follow hippity hoppity down the bunny trail there are divits the size of potholes…

Somebunny actually figured out a way to squash your Easter Marshmellow Peeps.  (Which normally will outlive us all.)

Surveillance cameras show a creature with ears in proportion to a very large head.

Kids say his performance far  surpasses that of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

All remaining Santa images in the house have been destroyed it what looks like a jealous rage?

His new slogan “Chicks dig the long ears?”

And then, as suggested by Bill Littlejohn, “hare loss.”

Frozen four

April 11, 2009

Boston University won this year’s Frozen Four.  For readers in the San
Francisco area, that’s the NCAA hockey tournament, not the last fans left at an extra innings game when the Giants played at Candlestick.

The Cleveland Indians are off to an 0-5 start.  On the bright side, some of their game footage might be used for a remake of the movie Major League.

According to the New York Times,  the new Yankees and Mets stadiums were partially built by companies that New York City  has blacklisted due to allegations of corruption and  ties to organized crime.   Hmm, maybe there was more than a Red Sox jersey buried in that cement at Yankee Stadium.

Apparently one of the best baseball  hitting coaches in the world  – counting Tony Gwynn amongst his former pupils,  is Mark Wetzel, who has been legally blind due to macular degeneration. 

An AP interviewer wondered why a virtually blind man would choose to teach hitting?

Well, maybe there were no openings at umpiring schools?

Tiger’s not leading this post.

April 11, 2009

Actually the first thoughts today for your potential amusement are from the travel world.   My day job is as a travel agent, and well, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

It started with a phone call to Hertz Rent A Car’s international travel agent desk, to book a car from Tours, France – at the TGV station – to drop off at a Paris airport.  Note, this was NOT their general domestic phone number.

This is an unedited conversation:
“Where does he want to pick up the car?”

“At the TGV station in Tours”

“Tours?”

“Tours, yes, T-O-U-R-S.”

“Is that in Paris?”

I told this story to a client who was born in Paris, and she topped me with three questions she has heard this year.

“Is France the capital of Paris?”  (and no, it wasn’t a just a transposition of words, the questioner meant it.)

“Oh, you’re French.  Do you speak French?”

“Do they use credit cards in France?”

And now to Tiger.  It’s day two of the Masters and most of the headlines for the last two days  are in the vein of   “Tiger five strokes back after round one.”  “Tiger is seven strokes back.”    Any more questions as to who is the might be the  most dominating major athlete in the Western  world?

Arizona State University is reconsidering its decision not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama. But really, what’s more embarrassing… ASU not giving an honorary degree to Obama, or Yale giving one to George W . Bush?

(yes, they did….in addition to the one he “earned” in 1968.)

 

A Florida high school baseball team apparently bought, killed and buried a snake on their field in an effort to stop their losing streak.   Let’s hope that the team’s losing ways continue, or there won’t be a safe serpent in Chicago.

But okay, all you sports fans still trying to get over the end of March Madness.  For the pool as to who would be the last undefeated major league baseball team, who had the Florida Marlins?

Not good enough for an Arizona State degree?

April 10, 2009

Most universities apparently give their commencement speakers honorary degrees,  not Arizona State University, however, which is not bestowing one upon their commencement speaking, President Barack Obama. Apparently he has not accomplished enough yet.  (A university spokesman said “his body of work is yet to come.”)

Right, the same ASU caught 15 years ago in a major basketball point shaving scanda, who usually is at or near the bottom of the Pac 10 for athlete graduation rates, and whose baseball team was placed under investigation last year for academic fraud and improper recruiting.  Good to see they have some standards.

From my friend the great Alex Kaseberg:

This economy is tough. Nowadays the only thing Madonna can afford to adopt is a bitchy attitude.

Apparently Kosher Coke (as in Coca Cola) is selling very well this Passover Season.   There isn’t a corresponding Kosher Diet Coke.  But what good would it be without calorie guilt?

Terrell  Owens complained….  (Is that starting a sentence with a redundancy?)  Anyway,  Terrell Owens complained the he was being singled out for missing the Bills’ voluntary workouts.

 “That’s the thing, what I find so unfair about it is that I’m not the only guy out of 32 teams that didn’t show up,”

No, T.O, you aren’t. But you will be the only oneof them  complaing three weeks into the season that you aren’t getting the ball enough.

President Obama hosted a Seder at the White House.  When asked about it,  former President George W. Bush said he didn’t remember a guy named “Asadir” but if he could help with the Mideast Peace Process he was all for it.

This will be George W’s first Easter since 2000 where he didn’t spend it in the White House.  To make it up to him in Dallas , Laura and his daughters will roll him some eggs on their lawn.

Idol mistakes.

April 8, 2009

For the second time this season, American Idol ran so long in their live show that they went past their scheduled finish. Thus viewers who recorded the episode missed the best part.

Who’s their technical  consultant?  Joe Biden?

A major character on Fox’s “House” left the television series to take a position with the Obama administration because he couldn’t do both jobs at the same time.

Shame  Fox’s “24” never thought of offering an acting job to Dick Cheney.

 –

The show is down to their final seven contestants.  Will be interesting to see if they get down to one before American car companies.

 

A thought while watching Opening Night at A T and T Park, the SF Giants vs. the Milwaukee Brewers:

The television announcers said “If you are looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors NBA  game, it’s on alternate channel …”

The Timberwolves are 23-55, the Warriors are 28-49.

The question is  “Why?”

Or rather, what they should have said “If you’re looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors game”  maybe it’s time to get a life.

Some folks say we don’t have enough good news these days.  Well, how about this… The President of the United States just got back from a trip to Europe,  and he didn’t embarrass the country once.

On the other hand,  President Obama is returning from Europe to face the hard realities of some campaign promises at home.  As in, it’s April.  Where is the puppy?

 

Bernie Madoff’s Mets season tickets will be auctioned online after his arrest for running a Ponzi scheme.

A Ponzi scheme is when investors pay money with no real chance of return…sort of like buying season tickets for the Mets  for the rights to buy tickets for any potential playoff games.

Reprinted by popular demand.

April 8, 2009

Now that Barack and Michelle Obama are heading back from their World Tour…

(In keeping with Michelle’s wishes not to spoil their children, Sasha and Malia will soon be sporting t-shirs that say “My parents went to G-20 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”)

But here is a piece I wrote last year.  And yes, had John McCain somehow pulled off last year’s election, it could have happened:

Sarah Palin meets the Queen of England.

“Great to meetcha.  Can I call you Liz?  Are you a hockey mom too?  Polo?
No, my kids don’t swim much.

Swell house.  Yes, I’d love tea. You betcha. You know, we have English
Breakfast Tea
at my house.

John has told me that you guys have been such a big help in  Iraq.     
And we just can’t wave the white flag of surrender. I mean, just   
because we are trying to control a country across the ocean that   
doesn’t want us there…   Did I mention that John McCain and I are   
Mavericks?

And I brought you a present.  It’s a wolf I shot that I found on   
your lawn.  I even field dressed it for you.   But, gosh, your   
English wolves have short legs.  A Corgi?  No, what’s that?  Oh,   
terribly sorry Liz.  Say it ain’t so.  Dog-gone.”

Yes, it could have happened. But it didn’t.  Sometimes we Americans get it right.  Even on American Idol and the Presidential Election.

First pitches of 2009

April 8, 2009

So Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ opener.

Presume it was a pre-emptive strike.

Ted Kennedy threw the first pitch out in Boston.    My sense is that at this point, though he didn’t get much on the pitch, it broke sharply to the left, and most would say it improved with age.

 

But while we’re at it, how about the hypothetical first pitches?

 

Like Sarah Palin’s?  Much hyped, less impressive in the actual delivery. Despite the fact that she apparently was a winner in  the Alaska League.

At the San Francisco Giants home opener at A T and T Field, US Air pilot Sully Sullenberger throw out the first pitch. (This is for real.)

Presume it was a splash hit.

And Citigroup executives’  first pitch at Citi Field?  Presumably in need of taxpayer help to make it across the plate.

 

More to follow, suggestions encouraged.

Beyond the madness…

April 6, 2009

Fans of 24 and Jack Bauer had to decide between watching the show tonight or  the NCAA basketball tournament.  Either way, for fans of the Michigan State Spartans, torture was involved.

On the other hand, the last time Michigan State played North Carolina, they lost 98-63.  So 89-72 doesn’t look so bad.  

A 35 point loss down to a 17 point loss.  Sort of like most people’s 401ks

President Obama, by the way, picked the UNC Tarheels to win it all in his ESPN brackets.  Well, heck, now that he’s got that under his belt the economy should be a snap.

The Oregon State Beavers , for anyone who missed it,  won the second annual CBI (Can Buy In) tournament this past weekend.  And for those who mock the tournament, the winning Beavers’ coach IS pretty much a lock to be invited to the White House.

(for anyone going, “huh?”,   the new Oregon State coach this year is Craig Robinson  – Michelle’s brother.)

 

 

Levi Johnston claims that he and Bristol had sex at her home,  something Governor Palin angrily denies.  Yeah, apparently Sarah can see Russia but she isn’t so good about what’s going on INSIDE her house.

 

Sarah Palin is particularly upset to hear these stories of premarital sex while she is preparing for her oldest son’s 20th birthday on April 20th.  Sarah and her husband, by the way, eloped on August 29. 1988. 

While many sports fans have been distracted by college basketball,  Major League Baseball has had some of their opening games.  And after one day hope springs eternal –  the Cubs are in first place, the Yankees are in last, and Ken Griffey Jr has been healthy every day of the season.l

More madness…

April 5, 2009

A recent survey about teams in the NCAA tournament said that women players do much better in the the classroom than the men.  Said many of the male players  “What’s a classroom?”

 Alex Rodriguez says he is now at 70 percent after his surgery.  In other words – playoff form.

 This doesn’t need a punchline.  But it’s worth sharing.   The University of  Connecticut women’s team will play for the national championship, while the men were upset in the semi-finals.  But in a more perhaps a more significant victory  – the women’s team graduation percentage – 100 %.

The men-  33 %.

And in the Connecticut women’s victory over Stanford in the semi-finals, suffice it to say that they made the powerful Cardinal team look so bad that fans might have thought they were watching this year’s mens team.

 


-Ron Wilson, coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, has been picked to coach the U.S. men’s hockey team in the 2010 Olympics.   Well,  with the Leafs he certainly has had experience coaching top amateur level play.

An NBA game last week between the Golden State Warriors and the Sacramento Kings ended up with the Warriors winning  143 to 141.   That’s more scoring since Bill Clinton’s last college spring break.

Or if you will – even Eliott Spitzer couldn’t pay for that much scoring.

 

Governor Palin is furious at her daughter’s ex-fiance Levi Johnston, for going on the Tyra Banks show to talk about his sex life with Bristol.  Sarah can’t believe that he would exploit the relationship like that.  Especially after all the Governor did for the young man – buying him fancy suits,  flying him on the campaign private plane, and taking him to all those events like the  Republican convention.

The Atlanta Braves and Philadelphia Phillies kicked off this year’s Major League Baseball season, with another ESPN mandated 830p start on the East Coast.  Suppose this Opening Night makes sense in one way – kids can get a taste of what it will be like in October with World Series games that will be too late for them to stay up.

What’s wrong with the NBA?

April 4, 2009

For starters, look at the playoff picture. If the season ended right now, two teams with records under .500 – the Detroit Pistons and Chicago Bulls – would make the playoffs. Who do they think they are, the NHL?


And actually, the Toronto Raptors, at 30-45, are still barely in the playoff picture. Fans in Toronto, more accustomed to rooting for the Maple Leafs are wondering “what’s a playoff picture?”


As Passover approaches, there are a lot more Kosher choices for Jews who want to imbibe over the holiday. Besides a kosher tequila there is now a $200.00 Kosher Cabernet Sauvignon.

So, passing on all the jokes about expensive Jewish wine – (as if, you never buy me any jewellry) can we assume when you pull the cork a little voice says “You have this kind of money to spend on wine but not to visit your mother?


Michigan State upset Connecticut to earn a spot in the Final Four. But for all those crowing about their upset bracket pick, let me tell you, bragging about picking a 2 seed, is like bragging over having all your money in money market funds. You might be right, but you don’t exactly get points for risk-taking.

So after all the hype, there is no Big East team in the NCAA men’s basketball finals.  But to be fair, a few of them could have made the playoffs in the NBA’s Eastern conference.

Overpriced tickets?

April 3, 2009

Season ticket sales are down all over Major League Baseball. SF Giants President Larry Baer, after the team’s season ticket sales fell by over 2,000 said “There’s a certain amount of fear driving people to not want to make commitments in March for purchases in September.”

True, but at least the way the Giants have been playing, they won’t be paying anything in October.


Skip this joke if you aren’t a hockey fan.

This time of year at least there’s a silver lining for Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Unlike fans in San Jose they don’t worry about their team choking in the playoffs.


Hottest bet in Vegas? Which NFL team will regret their decision first? The Bears to trade for Jay Cutler or the Bills to sign Terrell Owens?

Billionaire Larry Ellison’s BMW-Oracle team won a court battle allowing them, for now, to be the “challenger of record” in next year’s America’s Cup.

“Who cares?” – said almost everyone in the world.

In that vein, Penn State won the NIT basketball tournament.

Of course, had college football had a playoff system, Penn State, instead of going to the Rose Bowl, might have been knocked out in an early round. So, maybe count the Nittany Lions as a fan of the BCS system. On the other hand, how many people outside of State College, Pennsylvania, and Waco, Texas (home of Penn State opponent Baylor) watched the NIT final? I am guessing dozens, at least.

Michelle Obama meets the Queen

April 2, 2009

Regarding that now famous picture of Michelle Obama and the Queen of Elizabeth with their arms around each other:

I’ve got to figure the Queen whispered “Why couldn’t one of my boys have met a nice girl like you?”


Yankees General Partner Hal Steinbrenner said. “Look, there’s no doubt small amounts of our tickets might be overpriced.”

Like most of their players.


Disgrunted Denver Quarterback Jay Cutler has been traded to Chicago. Wonder how long it will take Bears fans to start missing Rex Grossman?

Callers trying to reach Hillary Clinton on a conference call were accidentally directed to a sultry woman’s voice offering phone sex. And Bill Clinton said “See, honey, I told you, that used to happen to me all the time.”

Salaries

April 2, 2009

Does really this need a punchline?

University of Kentucky President Lee Todd’s salary $550,000.

New University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari’s salary. $3.96 million a year. For eight years.

John Calipari says he is “excited” to be the new Kentucky coach. Well, they did give him 31.65 million good reasons.

On the other hand, Rick Pitino says he is definitely returning to Louisville and a candidate for the University of Arizona coaching job.

Translation, Arizona hasn’t offered him $31 million.

Barack Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four – Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America and JP Morgan..

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. In related news, US Air reported record sales of their hermetically sealed blankets.

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight. In his defense, he just said he was following new airline policies that make you take everything into your own hands.

I’m not a 20 something, but… Lady GaGa – who appeared Wednesday on American Idol, is supposed to be one of the new hot stars. Seemed more like Marilyn Monroe meets Star Trek.


Barack Obama gave the Queen an I Pod. But for royalty, shouldn’t it be a We Pod?


And President Obama, who sat next to German Chancellor Angela Merkel has already gone a ways towards improving U.S. Germany relations. Three words – No shoulder rub.

Aren’t Sarah Palin’s fifteen minutes up?

April 1, 2009

The Republican National Committee replaced Sarah Palin as a fundraising speaker with Newt Gingrich. Because nothing says “family values” like serving your wife with divorce papers when she has cancer. (Yes, he did.)


Sarah Palin was replaced as a fundraising speaker for the Republican National Committee. Apparenly because she couldn’t commit to the date in advance. But give the gal a break, she’s been busy watching Russians from her house.

Governor Kathleen Sibelius announced she will be paying more tax by refiling her last three years of tax returns. Republicans are privately at all these Democrats who are adjusting their returns.. “They actually pay taxes?”

In a recent poll ,60 percent of baseball fans said in a recent poll that they were not interested in the World Baseball Classic – The other 40 percent said “What’s the World Baseball Classic?.

Nearly 60 percent of major league baseball fans said in no player who used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs should get into the Hall of Fame.

And about an equal number said they would be more likely to go to games if there were a real home run chase again.

Allison Iraheta sang “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, And said, “I grew up listening to this song”

Alison is 16.

Do we love our pets more than people?

March 31, 2009

Time magazine asked the question this week, do we love our pets more than people?

But to be fair, no matter how much people spend on their pets, they’ve taken a much smaller chunk out of our 401ks and housing values than people.


It’s hard to believe Spring Training is almost over. Only another month until the Royals are officially eliminated from the playoffs.


Apparently women are ending up in the hospital after the shots they are getting to enlarge their derrieres have turned out to be toxic. Butt enhancing injections? Really, isn’t a hot fudge sundae easier?


President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once again having a President who speaks their language.


And Michelle Obama will be accompanying her husband. Because, unlike Secretaries of State, Presidents are expected to bring their spouse along for important trips..

In related news, Bill Clinton reiterated that he has no hard feelings over the election results.


Tiger Woods’ win last weekend was the highest golf television rating since last year’s U.S. Open, which was Woods’s last tournament before his surgery. While Tiger eases back into the PGA tour, the NHL is trying to see if he has time to drop the cup during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Kosher Tequila?

March 29, 2009

No joke, a U.S. company is planning to launch a new Kosher Tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo.

Presumably each bottle will come with a free phone card, because “if you have time to drink tequila, you have time to call your mother.”

Three shots and you’ll be singing “Ay, ay, ay, oy!”

Kosher Tequila, just what you want for those Matzo Wrapped Burrritos and Gefilte Fish Tacos.

What’s going to be their ad campaign “Kosher tequila – now you don’t even need a hangover to feel guilty?”

or

“When you need a shot of guilt”?

or

“Pass out on Pass Over”?

No word yet on the kosher worm.

Madonna is apparently trying to adopt a four year old girl from Malawi. What does a 50 year old mother of three want with another whiny child. Guess she misses A-Rod more than we thought.

Barney Frank called Supreme Court judge Antonin Scala a “homophobe.” Scalia corrected him quickly, saying the correct term is “misanthrope.”


With the final four composed of two one-seeds, one two-seeds and one three-seeds, Cinderella officially didn’t make it to the NCAA tournament. Apparently her fairy godmother invested with Bernie Madoff.

Beyond the Votes

March 29, 2009

John McCain said of the 2008 Presidential election – “Over 50 million people voted for me and Sarah Palin – mostly for Sarah Palin,”

Of course, what he didnt say, almost 70 million voted for Barack Obama….maybe mostly against Sarah Palin.

President Obama’s latest television appearance is today on Face the Nation, following his Tuesday night news conference. last Sunday’s appearance on 60 Minutes, and his appearance on the Tonight Show. Forget standard approval ratings, he might be the first president to be judged by Nielsen ratings.


As the U Conn Huskies have moved into the final four and closer to a national championship, investigations into serious recruiting violations continue.

Which could lead to an interesting variation on the old Disney question.

“U Conn, you’ve just won the NCAA tournament. where are you going?

“We’re going on probation.”

More madness..

March 28, 2009

Gilbert Arenas is returning to the Washington Wizards, but retiring from blogging, saying ‘Eventually your words is going to kill you.’

No word on when he will launch his Presidential exploratory committee.


Five Big East teams could make the Elite Eight at the NCAA tournament. Even scarier, a couple of them could probably make the playoffs in the NBA’s Eastern Conference.


With the Pitt Panthers one win away from the final four, fans of top college level sports in Pittsburgh are especially excited. Normally they have to wait for the regular season with the Pirates.

So much for risk tasking. The Elite Eight has four one seeds, two two seeds, and two three seeds. And of course the folks chortling about their positiions in the office pools are the same folks who have had kept all their money in treasury bonds.

Small victories

March 27, 2009

President Obama has to feel like he is tackling the labors of Hercules these days. But he was right about Duke.

Duke shot 16 for 60 from the field against Villanova in one of their worst tournament performances ever. In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad the team was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Another good news item for President Obama. He chose Joe Biden over Chris Dodd as a running mate.

President Obama during his online news conference said he did not think legalizing marijuana was a good idea to help the economy. So much for the stimulus package for Krispy Kreme.


Many New Yorkers are really missing Eliot Spitzer. Not only was he one of the first people to be right about companies like AIG, he also knew how to spend money for a successful stimulus.


Sarah Palin was complaining again today about last fall’s campaign, saying that that there was no one on the McCain campaign who she wanted to “hold hands with and pray.”

Actually, after Senator McCain chose Sarah Palin his campaign staff spent plenty of time praying.


Or – She couldn’t find anyone because they were too busy wringing each other’s hands.

How strange is Sarah Palin acting these days? Even Nayda Suleman said “that woman is wacky.”

Hillary Clinton said that North Korea firing a missle would be considered a “provocative” act. Bill Clinton said that this might be the first time the words “Hillary” and “provocative” have been used in the same sentense.