Archive for April 2012

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Quick, duck behind a pearly gate?

April 8, 2012

Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”

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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”

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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.

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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.

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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..

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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!

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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?

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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.

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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.

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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?

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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.

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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.

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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”

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Hoppy Easter.

April 8, 2012

Appalling bunny on bunny violence. Happy Easter anyway.

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Another Easter thought: Love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Tim Tebow is giving an Easter Sunday sermon. Parishioners expect the speech to start slow but close with a great last ten minutes.

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Jamie Moyer tonight bid to be the oldest pitcher ever to win an MLB game. In honor of the occasion the Rockies were going to present him with a copy of his first ever box score. But they couldn’t find anyone to translate the original Sanskrit.

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Boston Red Sox 0-2 after a 10-0 shutout against the Detroit Tigers. Who knew- maybe beer and fried chicken are performance enhancing drugs.

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Donald Trump revised the rules in his Miss Universe pageant to allow transgender women like Jenna Talackova to compete. Makes some sense, Trump himself probably is a bit nebulous about the gender of that fuzzy thing that lives on his head.

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Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Rick Scott, starting July 1, it will be legal in Florida to dye bunnies pink, chicks blue, and poodles purple. (A GOP senator put the amendment on an agriculture bill, at the request of a dog groomer, thereby repealing a 45-year-old ban on artificially dying or coloring certain animals or fowl.) Can we just let the Sunshine State secede and be done with it?

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Frustrated with his tee shot on the 16th today, Tiger Woods dropped his club and kicked it 15 yards. Woods may be fined by the PGA for his outburst, but on the brighter side, he’s allegedly been contacted for a tryout by a few NFL teams.

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That 18 year old who left school and her family to live with her teacher has broken up with him after his arrest for a relationship with another student in 1998. Jordan Powers said she ended things with James Hooker when he called her from jail, “My heart dropped. I felt betrayed. I just have a gut feeling there are other girls.” Ya think?

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Not a belated April Fool’s joke. Pizza Huts in the U.K. now selling Pizza with a hot dog stuffed crust. (Large size pizzas only, natch.) What’s most amazing, this idea didn’t originate in the U.S.

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Opening weak.

April 7, 2012

Okay, right this minute in the AL East, the Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays are all tied for first place, while the Red Sox and Yankees are tied for last. 161 games to go, but figured a lot of folks would enjoy seeing this.

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Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura apparently chatted Friday for the 1st time since Ventura charged the mound after Ryan hit him with a pitch 19 years ago. Wonder if instead of a handshake Nolan gave Robin “noogies” for old times’ sake.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are now an item. And some say that homosexual relationships are offensive

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Isiah Thomas, who went 26-65 in three seasons as a coach at FIU, was fired today by the school. He told ESPN that “this is the most surprising thing that has happened to me in basketball.” Sounds like Isiah is still as self-aware as he was with the Knicks.

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Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” and the self described “Most Collected Living Artist” died today at the age of 54. Condolences to his family, but change that second trademark.

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Mario Rubio said this week “I’m not going to be the vice president,” Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election?

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An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women’s last menstrual period. Heck, what’s next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita?

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Christopher Hooker, 41, that Modesto teacher who left his family to move in Jordan Powers, 18, his ex-student, said their love was for real and would last. Now it turns out Hooker’s been arrested for having a relationship in 1998 with another girl student, who was 17. Guess he didn’t specify how long it would last.

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All these predictions for who will win in MLB this season, here’s a different prediction game. Which teams have a chance to lose 100 games? No prizes, just the chance to declare yourself a true “connoisseur of crap.”

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Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One – “That’s despicable.” Two – “Quick, burn OUR tapes.”

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Augusta, GA, police today were called to a Waffle House for a dispute involving two groups of women. (Apparently over a Facebook post about a relationship.) One woman was arrested after she allegedly fired shots into the air from a handgun. So who says all the action at Augusta is at the Masters?

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Syracuse’s Fab Melo, ruled ineligible twice last season due to academic issues, announced he will enter the NBA draft. So sounds like next year Melo will be going to class about as much as he did this year.

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When will they ever learn? Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, has now been put on leave by the University after it turns out that he had a 25 year old female passenger with him when he had his late-night motorcycle crash. The woman, Jessica Dorrell, was hired last month to work under Petrino. So to speak.

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Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

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Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

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Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

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Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

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Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

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In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

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A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

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Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

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Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

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Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

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Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

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Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

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On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

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from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

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Opening WTF?

April 5, 2012

Two A’s-Mariners games last week, Marlins-Cardinals tonight, the rest of MLB starts Thursday or Friday. Sorry Bud Selig, less is more; “Opening Day” is awesome. “Opening Week” s*cks.

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But really, we won’t know it’s really opening day until Cubs fans break out their new “Wait until next year” shirts.

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The Masters starts Thursday morning, from Augusta National Golf Club. One of the few places on Earth where Mitt Romney is referred to as “a regular guy.”

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Bond fans screaming “Say it ain’t so?!” Due to a Heineken contract, James Bond will be drinking beer instead of a martini in his next movie. What’s next, 007 telling women he wants to wait for physical intimacy until they are in a committed relationship?

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According to the autopsy report, “white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue” were found in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died. Sad, but “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Ryan Gosling apparently saved a British journalist named Laurie Penny from being hit by a car this week in New York. Earning him respect and admiration from his fellow actors, once they found out she didn’t work for “News of the World.”

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Macy’s flagship store in New York had to evacuate due to a small basement fire today. You know what that means. Stay tuned for Macy’s new “Two Day Fire Sale with One Day Special Preview.”

(or as my friend Rich suggests “Black Flower Days.”)

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John McCain urged Mitt Romney “not to rush to judgment” when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that?

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Kentucky coach John Calipari said he’s not planning to coach the New York Knicks or any other NBA team – “Kentucky is the best job in basketball coaching, why would I leave?” At least not until the next NCAA investigation.

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Sarah Palin’s appearance on the “Today” show apparently didn’t turn out to be the ratings boost NBC had hoped for. Does this mean “Palin-sanity” is over?

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Levi Johnston, 21, has announced that his latest girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, is pregnant. Levi told TMZ.com the pregnancy was an unexpected surprise: “Things happen and we are both happy with what came of it.” Yeah, looks like Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is really working.

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Ryan Seacrest will be taking part in NBC’s Olympic coverage. Wonderful. Stand by for “Who’ll win the Gold? We’ll find out, after the break….”

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Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center.

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The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

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Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

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Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

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Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

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Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

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Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

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President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

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Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

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For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

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Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

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From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

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President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

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We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

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If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.

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A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

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Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

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Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.

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Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

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After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

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Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

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John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

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Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

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SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

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Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

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A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

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Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

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The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

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Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

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“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

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A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

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Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

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Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

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Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

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At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

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Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

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Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

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Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

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