Archive for April 2010

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries

Friday ramblings…

April 30, 2010

Former President Clinton said that Chelsea asked him to do one thing for her regarding her summer wedding – which was to lose 15 pounds. Presumably her second choice request “Please don’t hit on my bridesmaids.”

–

Eminem rips Pittsburgh’s wayward quarterback in his new song with the line “Get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall.” Okay, how low do you have to go to be morally chastised by a rapper?

–
The San Francisco Giants were the least-hated team in baseball according to a Nielsen survey. Makes sense, they haven’t beaten anyone’s else’s favorite team in a World Series.

The Yankees, surprisingly, were not the most hated team. Which simply means the survey probably was mostly taken in New York. (With the exception of Queens)

–

From Bill Littlejohn, who noted that famously hobbling Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Kerri Strug was married this week, “Bela Karolyi didn’t carry her down the aisle, did he?”

–
Popular governor Charlie Crist has left the Republican party and is running for Senate as an independent. Well, it’s 10 years late, but finally some amusing news for the Democratic party out of Florida.

–

United and Continental announced they will merge. The goal, to manage to annoy more passengers than any other airline in the world.
–

And we think Californians are too PC. Over in England, a British academic, Dr. Brett Mills, is now calling for an end to all wildlife documentaries, because they “capture animals’ most intimate secrets on camera without their consent” and fail to consider their “right to privacy.” No, I am not making this up.

–
As of today, U.S. airlines can no longer keep you on the tarmac in a plane for more than three hours. They can, however, cancel the flight after 2 hours and 59 minutes and leave you stuck in the airport overnight.

–

How bad is the oil spill getting off the Gulf Coast? Rumor has it Sarah Palin just washed “Drill Baby Drill” off her hand.

–
Rielle Hunter said on the Oprah show that people “view her negatively” because they think she wrecked John and Elizabeth Edwards’ marriage. Not exactly, many people view her negatively because she just seems like a publicity-seeking skank.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Better late than never?

April 29, 2010

On Wednesday, the U.S. picked up a belated bronze medal at the 2000 Olympic games, when the IOC stripped China of a bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastic event. Apparently after an investigation they found one of the Chinese girls was underage. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

–
A Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta was diverted to Bangor when a passenger claimed he had a bomb on board. Turns out it was all a misunderstanding, he was just talking about his new DVD copy of “All About Steve.”
–

With the new Dallas Football Classic and the Pinstripe Bowl, 70 of 120 D1 NCAA football teams will be able to play in bowl games. What a relief for all those 5-7 teams who just missed postseason competition.

–
Shocking evening in the NHL tonight. A top-seeded team went home after the first round. And it wasn’t the San Jose Sharks.

–
The Braves have lost eight in a row, the Hawks are on the brink of elimination. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, General Sherman was involved.

–
Another wrinkle in the immigration debate. Many people in Washington D.C. are now wondering if Canadiens can be added to the deportation list. Retroactively.

–
So Charlie Crist, who has been a pretty decent and popular Republican governor of Florida, has now announced he will run for the U.S. Senate as an independent because he is trailing so badly in the Republican primary. Crist’s “crime” – he hasn’t been anti-Obama enough

Just think, these days Will Rogers could have been a Republican.

–
An anonymous line passed on by Ray Di Fazio. Earl Woods’ last words to his son Tiger “Focus on golf. F**k everything else.”

–
The NFL Players Association has stated that interviews with potential players need to be professional and not “cross a line.” What’s the line? Not sure, but I’m pretty sure that asking “Was your mother a prostitute” is beyond it.

(tacky time)

Actually, the nonprofessional but completely apropos response that Dez Bryant could have made was “Why, do you think your father might have been her client?” (Or since we are going that low – Why, does your mother think she recognizes her as an ex-coworker?”)

–
And baseball rant.

Three things that San Francisco Giants fans want: 1. Buster Posey. 2. A real leftfielder. 3. Bruce Bochy to keep his &#*$!@%# hands OFF starting pitchers in the 9th inning.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Beyond My Pet Goat…

April 28, 2010

Former President George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” will be out in November. Originally it was intended to be a much longer book due out in 2011. Until Sarah Palin gave him the advice – Ah, just quit and say you’re done.”

–

“Decision Points,”George W. Bush’s new book, will be in the stores November 9. The former President is very excited. Laura has promised to read it to him.

–

–
Once again, an exploration team claims to have discovered the remains of Noah’s Ark. The team hope to authenticate their find by a written account they found amongst the wooden beams, detailing a pre-trip interview Noah had on “Larry King Live.”

–
–
Prince Andrew’s and Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson’s daughter Princess Beatrice became the first royal to complete the London Marathon this past weekend. Although Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, still holds the record as the only royal to compete in the Grand National. (Yeah, I know, too easy and too mean, but someone’s got to do it.)

–
Brazil’s Health Minister has started a national campaign against high blood pressure by telling Brazilians they need more cardiovascular workouts – workouts that include sex. In related news, Tiger Woods has flown down to Rio to negotiate for an endorsement deal.

–
So what will constitute reason to suspect someone is an illegal immigrant in Arizona? Not sure, but if your last name contains a lot of those high-value Scrabble consonants, maybe you should start paying cash instead of putting down a credit card.

–
In Santa Clara County, California, supervisors have voted to ban Happy Meals and any other toy giveaway with fast-food meals. Great, now instead of rewarding their children with a toy as part of their meal, parents can instead buy them dessert.

–
I can see it now, instead of the old days when kids would drive across state or county lines to buy liquor that might have been banned in their home town, parents will drive to the nearest county to get their kids the toy of the week.

–

And NON-commie pinko sidebar:

In Moraga, California, a St. Mary’s College singing instructor has been disciplined for having a student sing “Old Man River” in class, which contains the phrase “colored folk.” Well, guess they’ll be tossing Huckleberry Finn and Shakespeare out of the library next.

(don’t get me wrong. I hate racism and I am mostly pro-affirmative action. But the song, written by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein-hardly WASPS themselves- was a period piece from the play “Showboat,” and made a star out of Paul Robeson, who actually sung the lyric with the term “darkies.”)

–

This item inspired by a joke by Alex Kaseberg, who pointed out on his blog that the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus has merged with the San Diego Men’s Chorus. (And said there hasn’t been a merger this seamless since Siegfried joined up with Roy.)

The most common reaction in San Diego? They were separate entities?

–
Speaking of which, if any readers watch American Idol (okay, guys, you can skip this last one), tonight was Shaina Twain. Anyone but me a little sorry it wasn’t last year? Would have enjoyed hearing Adam Lambert try his hand at “Feel Like a Woman.”

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Be the first to comment

New Arizona slogans?

April 27, 2010

As law enforcement officers and residents alike adjust to the new Arizona immigration law, it might be time to think of some new subtitles for the state slogans:

As in

“Arizona – you’ll never get a decent taco in this state again.”

–
Arizona -a state since 1912, a state of confusion since 2010.

–
Arizona -we don’t need no stinking badges, but we do need your stinking papers.

–
Here’s an interesting question. Which is a smaller number – the number of NBA fans outside Los Angeles who will be rooting for the Lakers tomorrow against the Oklahoma City Thunder? Or the number of Latino fans who will now be rooting for the Phoenix Suns against the Portland Trail Blazers?

–

The NBA’s Western Conference’s number two seed, the Dallas Mavericks, are one game away from being eliminated by the San Antonio Spurs. And the worst thing for Dallas fans -there’s no way to blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

–
Roy Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, having allowed 3 earned runs in 4 starts. The San Francisco Giants are one of the worst hitting teams in baseball. So what happens tonight when Halladay starts? The Giants score 3 runs in the first 2 innings, and 5 runs off him in six innings. Is baseball a great game or what?

–

“The decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family.”

The above was the statement from Ben Roethlisberger today about his suspension. Do we think he wrote the words or lifted them from “Hamlet” or “Tale of Two Cities”?

–

The British Government is falling all over themselves to apologize for to Pope Benedict XVI for what was obviously a tongue-in-cheek leaked Foreign Office memo suggesting that he could launch Benedict-brand condoms or bless a gay marriage when he visits the United Kingdom later this year.

In a statement, the Foreign Office said that “the individual responsible” was told “this was a serious error of judgement and has accepted this view.”

No word on the papal response. Although his Excellency does seem to have a strong track record of forgiving “serious errors in judgement.”

–

Eight young girls sustained moderate injuries when a crowd of thousands swarmed the gates in Sydney, Australia for a Justin Bieber concert. “That’s awful”, said Americans who heard the story. “And who the heck is Justin Bieber?” added anyone who doesn’t have a pre-teen daughter.

–
(Inspired by a joke from Jason Love) These minivans with television for riders in the back seat can be a real problem for anyone driving behind them. In fact, many drivers report they get distracted and forget who they are texting.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Decisions, decisions…

April 26, 2010

George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points” will be out November 9. The former President says it will be not so much an autobiography as a recounting of the difficult decisions he has had to make in his life. Chapter one presumably is titled -“Paper or Plastic?”

–
Bush’s memoir actually will make him a member of a select but ever-increasing club. Those who write a book before they ever read one.
–
The San Francisco Giants are now five for 55 for their last chances with men in scoring position. And four of those five didn’t get out of the infield. Jeez. Some of these early round American Idol rejects have better chances of getting hits.

–
How bad is the Giants’ situational hitting? Let’s put it this way, to save embarassment their wives and families have been told to make sure birthday parties don’t include pinatas.

–

–
While the Big Ten is considering expansion to as many as 14 teams, Penn State coach Joe Paterno says he thinks the Pac 10 will expand first. And the Pac 10 could actually draw on a pool including UFL and CFL (Canadian Football League teams.) After all, with USC they’re used to working with paid players.

–
Oft-injured second baseman Freddy Sanchez, now with the San Francisco Giants, apparently thinks he could be ready to play for the team as early as mid-May. No word on which year.

–
British Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has warned that while he believes extra-terrestrials are out there, “contact with aliens could be risky.” True enough, in the U.S. we almost elected one vice president.

–
Stephen Hawking said is that there is almost certainly intelligent life outside this planet. But we probably shouldn’t worry; if they can pick up broadcasts of “Dancing with the Stars,” “The Marriage Ref” and “Kate Plus 8” they will almost certainly bypass Earth on the grounds of there being no intelligent life on THIS planet.

–

The Vancouver Canucks and Phoenix Coyotes could end up meeting in the NHL playoffs this year. Does this mean that the Arizona cops will be hanging around the arena questioning every fan entering with a Canucks jersey?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Comments: Be the first to comment

Lost?

April 25, 2010

In a good news story, two lost women hikers were rescued from a northern California park when rescuers were able to track a signal from one of their cellphones.

Of course, no word on how many hikers get lost in the first place because they are paying more attention to their cellphones than the trail.

–
Speaking of lost, Barry Zito has long been given up for dead by San Francisco sports fans after he signed that huge 7 year $126 million contract. But Barry pitched another gem tonight, outdueling St. Louis star Adam Wainwright 2-0 for his third win of the season.

Hmm, maybe that means there’s hope for JaMarcus Russell? No, never mind…

–

The Oakland Raiders surprised the sporting world with competent and safe draft picks. Not sure who was making the final decisions, but wonder if some member of the organization told Al Davis the draft was next week?

–
A 24 year old New York man was arrested for trying to sell his children on Craigslist. Which is appalling, what kind of terrible parent would try to sell their young children? Their teenagers, maybe.

–
Okay, a show of hands from sports fans who expected the headlines after tonight’s Los Angeles-Oklahoma City game four would be something along the lines of “the Thunder Rolls…”

–
Sarah Palin told a crowd at a fundraiser in Eugene that she is more like them than they think. Because, as an example, she says she eats granola. In fact, she can even see the granola trees from her house.
–

–
New homage to Carnac: Answer: Joe vs. the Volcano. Question: Who does President Obama think would be the two finalists in a contest to see who can spew hot air the longest?

–

commie pinko finale-
–
The tornado in Mississippi was awful. But so many right-wing preachers have been quick to claim natural disasters are God’s punishment for sinning. Wonder why not even one has suggested God might not be happy with Mississippi’s governor saying that omitting slavery in a proclamation about the Confederacy “doesn’t matter for diddly.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.

–
There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

–

Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

–

Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

–

A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.

–
Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

–

So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

–

Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

–

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

–

High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

–

Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?

–
Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

–

How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.

–
A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

–

Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

–

60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

–

The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.

–
The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

–

from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

–

In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

–
If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”

–
And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…
–
We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Not gay enough?

April 22, 2010

A San Francisco Gay Softball team was stripped of its second place finish in a tournament after three of their members were determined to be “non-gay.” (The maximum per team is two.)

How did the tournament organizers come to this decision? The men were wearing last year’s cleats.

–
Regarding those men “outed” as not gay enough. Apparently other teams became suspicious when the players didn’t rush back to their hotels to see “Dancing with the Stars.”

–
The Big Ten, trying to become dominant in the BCS, is considering expanding by adding an unspecified number of teams. No word as to which midwestern teams the conference is considering, but presumably a logical fit would be the Detroit Lions.

–
The San Francisco Giants have scored six runs in their last four games. Meanwhile, hitting .346 at Fresno – Buster Posey. No comment.

–
Sharon Osbourne says she will have her breast implants removed, and give them to her husband Ozzy to use as paper weights. If Pamela Anderson ever decides to remarry she can have the same operation, and give her implants to her fiance to use as boat anchors.

–
7-11 has now come out with their own brand of beer, called “Game Day.” What, was “Cat Pee” already trademarked?

–

Yet another thought on Ben Roethlisberger. While I have some sympathy for his 20 year old accuser, maybe in future if she wants to hang around with drunken 20 year frat boys, she should stick to CHRONOLOGICAL drunken 20 year old frat boys.

–
Part of Roethlisberger’s punishment is to undergo a “comprehensive behavioral evaluation by professionals.” Apparently Goddell turned down Ben’s offer to do community service with college youth groups.
–
A British bus driver was suspended after being a passenger photographed him actually reading a paperback book while driving.
Teenagers aboard the bus were reputedly especially shocked – he was reading when he could have been texting?

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Is the fog lifting…?

April 21, 2010

In the Sharks- Avalanche NHL playoff game tonight, Dan Boyle scored the first goal. Into the correct net. Wonder if he’s the first NHL player ever to score back-to-back playoff goals for two different teams?

–

Heard about the new Icelandic volcano cocktail? Just one and you may not be able to make it home.

(And as Alex Kaseberg adds – it will knock you on your ash.)

–

The San Francisco Giants lost a game Tuesday 1-0 when their starting pitcher Jonathan Sanchez threw a one-hitter. They have scored three runs in three games. This is the kind of performance that makes fans want to fire the hitting coach. Assuming the team HAS a hitting coach.

–
The Chicago Cubs have lost four in a row, and to the lowly Astros and Mets no less. Well, it’s only April, but looks like the team is already in mid-summer form.

–
Donovan McNabb is apparently urging his new team, the Washington Redskins, to sign his old teammate Terrell Owens. Looks like another chapter in the future book “Smart Quarterbacks, Foolish Choices.”

–

As part of a promotion for the Robogames, the San Francisco 49ers put their kicker, Joe Nedney, up against Ziggy the Robot in a kicking competition. Nedney won. Undaunted, Ziggy has asked for a throwing competition against JaMarcus Russell.

–
“420” has become a code word for marijuana consumption and as such has sparked pot smoking parties on April 20 across the country. Curiously enough, 420 is also the number of calories in two original Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

–
The Icelandic volcanic air chaos seems to be abating for now. But worries about future eruptions may have a long-term effect on government travel as the U.S doesn’t want high-level officials stranded. Hillary Clinton, for example, may be spending a lot more time at home. And Bill Clinton just asked that Iceland be added to the “axis of evil.”

–
Kate Gosselin was kicked off “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. Which means she will just have to go back home to her regular daily life of ignoring her children.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Unlifting clouds..

April 20, 2010

By the way, to any readers who have noticed, I usually try to post on a daily basis. Must not have hit “publish” last night, so this will be two posts back-to-back. Put it down to volcanic ash.

–
Actually, this Icelandic volcano with the unpronounceable name may end up responsible for more travel disruptions and delays than anything else in air travel history. In fact, some are already nicknaming it the “JetBlue” volcano.

–
Apparently George Washington has racked up over a $300,000 fine for some books he borrowed from a New York library in 1789 and has never returned. Well, as far as Presidential misbehavior, that’s one crime that will never be laid at the feet of George W. Bush.

–

A day later, the Sharks’ own goal looks, if anything, worse. Of course, if San Jose comes back and wins, it will be largely forgotten. If they lose, well, even Bill Buckner says “At least I didn’t hit a home run against my own team.”

–
Speaking of the Red Sox, die-hard fans who remember more of the suffering years than the two World Series wins, the only silver lining to the team’s horrible start? At least they may not have to worry about a late-season collapse.

–
An AP-CNBC poll reported showed that most Americans don’t support the legalization of marijuana. Well, maybe not exactly. Only 33 percent said they were in favor of it. But of the rest of them some significant number apparently replied “Dude, I don’t know, what was the question again?”

–
The International Cannabis and Hemp Expo, in Daly City just south of San Francisco, was the 1st U.S. trade show in the U.S. to allow on-site pot smoking.. The Expo was able to offer temporary medicinal marijuana permits and had over 15,000 attendees. Nearby stores say they hope within a few days to be able to restock a normal supply of Doritos.

–
Bad timing award – to Greek air traffic controllers who wanted to call attention to their battle with the government over proposed cutback, and planned a strike for April 22 and 23. They hoped to shut down the Greek airports and cause major travel disruptions.

Like at this point anyone will notice…

–
The Toronto Blue Jays beat the Kansas City Royals Monday night before the smallest crowd in Blue Jays’ history. How bad was it, at some points confused fans started chanting “Go Expos.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Volcanoes, Sharks, and other disasters.

April 20, 2010

Note to all San Jose Sharks fans. When you yell and scream for your team to score a goal, it’s important to be specific!!

–
The San Jose Sharks have now scored three dramatic game-winning goals in the first three games against the Colorado Avalanche. Unfortunately, two of them were past their own goalie.

–
The NFL draft starts this Thursday. But to maximum television revenue, rounds two and three won’t take place until Friday, and rounds four through seven will be delayed until Saturday. And they say major league baseball games take too long.

–
Anthony McCoy, a potential second or third round draft pick out of USC, was academically ineligible to play for the Trojans in this year’s Emerald Bowl. Now he just tested positive for marijuana.

Now the question who will get to him first in the draft, the Oakland Raiders or the New York Jets?

–
Regardng that volcano and the cancelled flights – wonder if they’re talking at Carnival Cruise Lines about rebranding their ships as the “Fun way across the Atlantic?”

–
So apparently loans from a lot of big foreign banks like Citi and Deutsche Banke were partly to blame for Iceland’s financial collapse in 2008. If so, this volcano could be considered some serious karmic revenge.

–
Thought for day. Even the worst airline across the Atlantic beats NO airlines across the Atlantic.

–
Back in the U.S, five major domestic airlines agreed not to charge for carry-ons. No word on if the agreement – A- is valid beyond the end of April, 2010, or B – doesn’t preclude “carry-ons” soon being classified as “nothing bigger than a breadbasket.

And why, when I hear that promise not to charge, am I reminded of the scene in “Airplane” where the deranged air traffic controller temporarily pulls the plug on the airline runway lights, then puts it back in and laughs “just kidding.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

“This could go on all day and night, it could you know and it just might..”

April 18, 2010

The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game on Saturday afternoon, and evening. How long was the game? When it started, Joe Biden was just beginning a speech. And when it ended, he was almost done.

–
The 20 inning game ended up with the New York beating St. Louis 2-1. Or as Mets fans call that “an offensive explosion.”

–
The Orioles are 1-11 this year. Which means the unthinkable has happened. The Nationals, 6-5, actually have Washington, D.C. area bragging rights.

–
How frustrated are fans getting in Baltimore? Apparently there is a petition going around to Indianapolis – “Since you took the Colts, can you take the Orioles, please?”

–
As the volcanic ash cloud continues to ground flights in Europe, many in the industry wonder which will come first – the resumption of flights, or the decision by some carriers to start charging passengers a surcharge to cover the costs of this and future eruptions?

–

Jerry Brown, currently running for governor of California (again), challenged his billionaire Republican challengers Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner to a pre-primary debate on the issues. Poizner accepted. Whitman declined and said she would simply buy an hour on a competing network to run a $1 million informercial.

–
You do get the feeling, however, that California voters might be more engaged if these three candidates all teamed up with celebrity partners, aired a dance contest, and let people call in for their favorites.

–
Not to say Jerry Brown is old, but many younger voters are wondering if he is related to the guy who used to be governor in the 1970s.

–
This is a repeat joke, but giglish.com picked it up for a repeat, and in honor of the beginning of the playoffs…

The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced.

Sort of like travelling in the NBA.

–
And finally a riddle from Bill Littlejohn:

What did Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, and the Houston Astros have in common coming into Thursday night? They were all 0-8. –

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: 2 Comments

Crimes and misdemeanors…

April 17, 2010

A suburban Sacramento couple pleaded not guilty to child endangerment charges for allegedly leaving their baby in a car while they gambled at a casino. Bail was set at $50,000. The judge apparently turned down the couples’ request to make it “double or nothing.”

–
President Obama got mixed reviews for his plans to revamp NASA. At least he didn’t promise to fix a real hopeless mess in Houston, like the Astros.

–
Not so much a joke as a fact: When it comes to disrupting air travel, terrorists have nothing on Mother Nature.

–
At this point, the volcanic ash cloud may have actually delayed and disrupted more people’s travel plans than JetBlue.

–
And in related news, for the next several months Ryanair plans to charge passengers an “ash cleaning fee.”
–
True volcano humor to make you laugh or cry. A client is booked tomorrow from Dallas via London to Entebbe, Uganda and of course we don’t know if the planes will fly. But she emailed saying she had heard that the small airport in Glasgow, Scotland was open so would I just change her to fly Dallas-Glasgow-Entebbe?

–
The Ben Roethlisberger story just gets sleazier and sleazier. He could turn out to be a bigger embarrassment to the NFL than the Detroit Lions.

Although, okay, if I had to make a discussion on the facts as currently known, I would say Ben Roethlisberger is a scumbag at best. And a 28 year old man with his pick of women doesn’t need to be getting college students drunk. But while this BY NO MEANS excuses him, as a woman I have to think, you’re 20 years old…maybe it isn’t the smartest idea to be downing shots with some celebrity in a bar? Especially one with thug bodyguards.

–
And yet, I have no doubt that still in Pittsburgh this fall, there will be women and girls who wear “Big Ben’s” jersey to games…

–

Opening reception at the State Democratic Convention in Los Angeles. No speakers but a slideshow honoring Democrats running for state office this fall. Including Barabara Boxer. (No, that’s not a typo, that’s how it was spelled. Over and over.) Yes, I am not a member of any organized party, I’m a Democrat. Sigh.

–
Carly Fiorina has been facing questions about a bribery scheme while she was CEO of Hewlett-Packard. In 2003, HP employees in Germany allegedly bribed Russians to win a $47 million contract.

A company spokesman, David Shane, was quoted in the Mercury News saying “To suggest that Carly Fiorina, or any other senior executive in Palo Alto then or now, was knowledgeable of these alleged activities is wrong and not supported by the facts.”

So since these bribes were allegedly significant, what did senior executives in Palo Alto (who presumably looked at expenses) think the money was being spent on? Booze and strip clubs?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Baseball and other games…

April 16, 2010

The Oakland As are discounting tickets to their April 20-22 series against the New York Yankees to as little as $9 each. So what does that mean? New York fans could buy a cheap roundtrip flight and game tickets probably for less than they could see a game at Yankee Stadium!

–

The Los Angeles Angels are 3-7, their worst start since 2002. I don’t know if this is a worse omen for them or the San Francisco Giants.

–
The volcano in Iceland is playing havoc with European air travel. And here many of us naively thought the biggest eruption we’d see this April would come from Milton Bradley.

–
On top of all the earthquakes and floods, now volcanic ash from Iceland has delayed and canceled over 10,000 flights to and from Europe. It’s only April, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” for 2010, can I nominate Mother Nature?

–
commie pinko sidebar:

Regarding all these Tea Partiers who are screaming bloody murder about wasteful government spending on things like the stimulus and health care. Isn’t there just ONE of them who would decry the trillion or so dollars the U.S. government has spent since we invaded Iraq?

–
And there was a big Tea Party rally against excessive government spending today in Washington, D.C.. Many people brought their families. Wonder if afterwards they took the kids to the Smithsonian.
–

back to sports etc.

The top-seeded Washington Capitals were upset by the eight-seeded Montreal Canadians Thursday night, a day after the San Jose Sharks fell to the Colorado Avalanche. Will the theme of this year’s NHL playoff’s be “Another number one bites the dust?”

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Sharks attacked?

April 15, 2010

Th San Jose Sharks opened yet another playoff series with a loss. And while it’s too late to change names now, maybe it might have been useful to remember, as impressive as their namesake was most of the way through Jaws, the shark killers did win in the end.

New San Jose Sharks playoff slogan for their fans? “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

–
In the meantime for fans looking for better news in the San Francisco area, the Giants’ magic number is 151.

–
Scary thought for the day – Tiger Woods is only 34 years old. What will he do for a midlife crisis?

KFC’s new “Double Down” sandwich features two fried chicken patties instead of bread. They aren’t a bun, they’re death panels.

–
KFC actually has a “healthier” version of the “Double Down” sandwich, with the bacon, cheese and “Colonel’s sauce” sandwiched between two pieces of grilled chicken. With all due respect, maybe people looking for a bacon, cheese and sauce sandwich aren’t going to be listing “healthy” as a top priority?

–
The first braille porn book is out. Playboy has had a braille edition for years, but it has included only the written part. If the braille porn book sells and starts a trend, blind Playboy readers too can join in the great American male chorus: “But I only get it for the articles.”

–
Elizabeth Taylor denies she is getting married for the ninth time. Note, it’s not necessarily that she’s denying getting married. It’s just that, like John McCain with his houses, she doesn’t remember how many marriages she has had.
–

This next joke may not make sense to anyone under 40…but what the heck.

Today, April 15th, would have been the late Elizabeth Montgomery’s 76th birthday, who is best known for playing Samantha on the long-running television comedy “Bewitched.” At this point, Elizabeth would have been old enough that even she wouldn’t remember the difference between Dick Sargent and Dick York.

–

April 15 also would have been Leonardo Da Vinci’s 557th birthday. And curiously enough the anniversary of his first appearance on the Larry King show.

–
Sarah Palin has apparently made $12 million since leaving office as governor of Alaska. So when she asks ‘How’s that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?”, her own answer has to be “pretty darn well.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Conan, Conan, where are thou, Conan?

April 14, 2010

So Conan O’Brien says he is moving to TBS, either after spurning Fox or being spurned by Fox. And his bandleader Max Weinberg, who was rumored to be going back to the “Tonight Show,” was apparently spurned by Jay Leno. Who says there’s no good drama on TBS?

–

In homage to the late, great Carnac:

Answer:

Bengay.

Question:

The public relations problem the Pittsburgh Steelers would actually now prefer they had with their quarterback.

–

Ben Roethlisberger has lost his first endorsement over the sexual abuse allegations; he was dropped by a Pittsburgh company that makes beef jerky. I don’t know, guilty or not, when you now think of “jerky”, you sure think of Ben Roethlisberger.

–

A Texas man has been arrested and charged with child endangerment for allegedly leaving his 3 year old and 9 month old children locked in the car while he visited a strip club. Wonder if he told his wife he was taking them to a Republican fundraiser?

–
Example number 347 of why Tiger will never win the hypothetical PGA tour’s “Most beloved” award.

After his surprisingly good -11 performance at the Masters, anyone hear Tiger Woods say “Well, I did my best, but you know, congratulations to Phil. He was just better this weekend. And he deserved to win.”? Yeah, me neither.

–
Not to say kids these days have no sense of history. But the Apollo 13 astronauts gathered for a reunion this weekend, and the most common reaction from the younger generation – “Wow, they’ve aged a lot since they made that movie.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Late night thoughts…

April 13, 2010

Although Conan O’Brien was hoping to take his show to a major network, he ended up on TBS. What a comedown – that’s almost as bad as staying with NBC.

–
Jay Leno is having a field day with Tiger Woods, Jesse James and Tiki Barber. And of course, what makes them such great targets is that none of them had any loyalty to their partners. In related news, with the departure of Kevin Eubanks, the Tonight Show will apparently be replacing him with Max Weinberg.

–
Date Night” was number one at the box office. You know what that means.. on their own Date Nights, millions of women told their husbands there was no way they were going to “Clash of the Titans.”

–

This one’s a bit juvenile. New York Yankees reliever Chan Ho Park blamed his awful first appearance of the 2010 season on a bout of diarrhea. Soon to be served in the visitors clubhouse on many Yankees roadtrips? Three day old chili.

–

A Tea Party leader said on CNN today that his conservative movement intends to “clean house” and get the “RINO”s (Republicans In Name Only) out of the Republican party. Wonder how long before they posthumously purge “RINO” Abraham Lincoln?

–
What’s scarier, the new KFC “Death-wich” (aka the Double Down, the new bunless fried chicken sandwich? Or the fact that it has less calories than a Big Mac? Or for that matter, a venti White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks?

–
Hockey sidebar

Hockey fans in Calgary are finally getting to the point of seeing the silver lining of the Flames’ late season collapse that kept them out of the playoffs. At least the team won’t lose in the first round this year.

Some Calgary fans say the team’s late season play was the most amateur local performance they’d seen since the 1988 Olympics.

–
And finally back to commie-pinko mode:

The Republican party is demanding that President Obama choose a “mainstream” nominee for the Supreme Court. What, like George W. Bush did with John Roberts and Samuel Alito?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Gone in 60 seconds…

April 12, 2010

Texas Stadium was imploded today in about 60 seconds. Which was the fastest implosion in Cowboys history, at least since Tony Romo muffed that field goal snap in the 2007 playoffs against the Seahawks.

–
Pittsburgh pitchers gave up 13 runs to the Diamondbacks in the fourth inning. This was the worst Pirate performance since some idiots from Somalia accidentally attacked a U.S. Navy warship.

–
Commie pinko question of the day

Which is whiter? A Tea Party rally or a Masters crowd?

(not sure of the answer, although with Tiger playing, there was at least one black man at Augusta.)

–
Now that Tiger Woods has gotten back to playing golf, maybe there will be more focus on his game and less on his marriage. Of course, there is also that little issue where one of Woods’ doctors has been linked to HGH and other performance enhancing drugs.

Tiger, however, denies that he ever received PEDs from Canadian doctor Anthony Galea. And why would we have any reason to doubt him?

–

At a brief press conference in San Francisco (on the occasion of the 10th anniversary of A T and T/Pac Bell Park), Barry Bonds was asked if he was going to announce his retirement. “It’s not necessary,” Bonds said. “Retirement isn’t that important.”

“Amen,” added Brett Favre.

–
The Blue Jays have started off 2010 with a 5-1 record. This is a shock to sports fans in Toronto, since between the Maple Leafs and the Raptors, they don’t expect wins in April.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Masterly…

April 11, 2010

Apparently Tiger Woods let loose at the Masters today with more than a few “Anglo Saxon ” terms after bad shots. Well, Woods may not win the tournament and get the congratulatory call from Barack Obama, but if he keeps it up, Tiger’s at least likely to hear from Joe Biden.

–
How little do many Americans know about golf BT (Beyond Tiger)? Ask a random sampling what they think about Lee Westwood at the Masters and I have no doubt many will answer “Is one of Tiger’s mistresses there?”

–
It’s hard to believe climbing Mount Everest was considered an impossible quest less than 60 years ago. Now even a 13 year old boy is attempting it. Of course, it’s easier with all the McDonalds and Starbucks on the way up.

–
Meinhardt Raabe , best known for playing the Munchkin coroner in the Wizard of Oz, and a favorite at Oz nostalgia events, has died at the age of 94. And yes, fans will be sad to hear “he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.”

–

The 2010 Astros don’t even have a slogan yet. Although at O-5, an appropriate one might be “Houston, we have a problem.

–

In Denmark, workers are striking against Carlsberg Brewery’s new drinking policy. Previously, workers were allowed to drink as much beer for free at work as they wanted. But the workers are unhappy with the new policy, which allows unlimited free beer only during to lunch hours. Drivers, who don’t eat at the brewery, will still be allowed to take up to three beers with them a day..

While Carlsberg says they are working to try to resolve the strike they also have announced they have received an unprecedent number of inquiries from Americans calling about potential jobs and work visas.

–
In Arizona, a woman may be facing criminal charges for grabbing and shaking a child who was kicking the back of her seat on a Southwest flight last month. Police are facing two dilemmas, whether to charge her with a felony or a misdemeanor, and trying to deal with the thousands of calls from frequent travelers offering to pay her legal fees.
–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: 1 Comment

« Older Entries