Archive for May 2009

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Cheney and room for moderates

May 11, 2009

Dick Cheney said there was “room” for moderates in the Republican party.  Yes, but presumably that room is in Gitmo.

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Dick Cheney said there’s  room for moderates in the Republican party.  Of course, in this room analogy he is Mr. Rochester and moderates are  Bertha.

(okay, if you don’t like or didn’t have to read Jane Eyre, google those names.))

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Dick Cheney said there was room for moderates in the Republican party.   Of course, his definition of a moderate?  Someone like Newt Gingrich.

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Dick Cheney said he’d rather follow Rush Limbaugh into battle than Colin Powell.  Well, maybe because with gunfire Rush would be a much bigger shield.

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A recent study by researchers at the University of Vermont and Johns Hopkins University found that there were “no net benefits associated with chronic caffeine” use.

Well, other than the thousands of murders probably prevented every year because people have their coffee in the morning before they interact with others.

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Manny Ramirez, although he has accepted his suspension, claims he didn’t take steroids like Alex Rodriguez.   And maybe there’s something to that based on results… Manny batted around .500 in last year’s playoffs.

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There’s a new potential reality show next year based on “the Amazing Race.”  The first episode would feature John Edwards and Simon Cowell trying to get to a building’s only mirror.

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and finally from Jim Barach, wish I had written this one.
Former NBA star Dave Bing has been elected Mayor of Detroit. He says he wants to address the issues of drugs, violence and children born out of wedlock. After he fixes the NBA he will work on Detroit.

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Yankees jokes – is that becoming redundant?

May 9, 2009

You have to wonder, how many people in New York lost money in bank stocks or with Madoff, but had to figure, one solid investment would be their Yankees season tickets.

Especially when they sold their expected playoff tickets.

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New Yorkers faced a tough decision in a poll last week asking who they would prefer to have as governor.  Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, or unpopular current governor David Paterson.  Many complained it was like being asked to chose between the Yankees and the Mets.

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One name that has moved up about 10,000 places on the most popular baby name list – Barack.    One name that has probably moved down about 10,000 places  – Bernie.

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The new Star Trek movie is being billed as “not your father’s Star Trek.”  Which is shocking.  Trekkies fathered children?

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As a political statement, Kenyan women have vowed to abstain from sex with their husbands.  One frustrated man has already filed a lawsuit..  Wonder if his lawyer will be John Edwards?

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Bud Selig says he plans to talk to the Yankees and Mets since he has noticed their unsold seats.    Okay, so the guy notices unsold seats, but didn’t notice anything was going on during the steroid era?

Even by teenager standards, this is selective attention.

But let’s see, want to fill the stands with people… what would do it…I don’t know, maybe sluggers suddenly going on home run binges ?   Wonder how Selig could help that happen?

 

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As the 2009 San Francisco Giants were shut out, AGAIN, this time by the Los Angeles Dodgers, a question comes to mind:

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website?

The website regularly gets some hits.

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From an IGA in Cincinnati, Ohio, from an elderly white man to a woman(my friend)  in front of him in line.

“You know, some said pigs would fly before we had a black president, and guess what?  Swine flew.”

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Manny Ramirez was caught taking women’s fertility drugs.  Some people are never satisfied.  It’s not enough to be one of the top sluggers  in baseball, he wanted to be Octomom.

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President Obama received good reviews for his comic performance at the White House Correspondents’ dinner.  But really, how can you doubt the sense of humor of someone who gave us Joe Biden?

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In Miami, a popular Catholic priest, Alberto Cutié admitted last week that he is in a relationship and in  love with a divorced woman with a 14 year old son.

The Vatican reaction was mixed. half think it’s a major sin, the other half are just glad he’s not in a relationship with the son.

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Saving the Hubble telescope

May 8, 2009

On Monday NASA will launch a rescue mission to repair the aging Hubble telescope.  Just how old is the Hubble?  For the last few years the telescope has been orbiting earth with its left blinker on.

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ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager after an -0-16 season,  as an expert football analyst.

Isn’t hiring Matt Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach English.

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or

Isn’t hiring Matt Millen as an expert football analyst like hiring Bristol Palin to preach abstinence?

 

Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings.  The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on the report from the paleontologist.

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In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as “queers” and said he doesn’t want his children around them.  Well, I guess he’s not sending the kids to Catholic school.

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Manny, Manny….

May 7, 2009

So it’s not exactly a pop quiz anymore.  All major league baseball players know they will be tested for banned performance enchancing substances.   And Manny Ramirez gets caught.

Even John Edwards said “What was he THINKING?”

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Although watching John and Elizabeth Edwards do such a public airing of their dirty linen, a thought comes to mind.  Who knew Bill and Hillary might end up looking like a model political marriage?

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Back to baseball…

 

Although a true cynic might note that Manny seems to get bored in a full season, and will still make $17 million.  While the Dodgers save over $6 million and still get their slugger before back the All-Star game.  ..

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In San Francisco, the Giants have to be breathing a sigh of relief, since they at least flirted with signing a long term deal with Manny.  Kind of like John Edward’s last girlfriend before Elizabeth must feel…

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And in the meantime, parents who don’t want their children growing up idolizing these artificially enchanced stars can just take the kids to the movies, or watch a beauty pageant. 

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From Bill Littlejohn:

 “Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug.An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of ‘Manny being Minnie'”
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The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out.   The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party.

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And Celine Dion is thinking of buying the Montreal Canadians.   Maybe because watching them in the playoffs reminded her of “Titanic.”

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Tainted records…

May 7, 2009

The Los Angeles Dodgers broke a major league record for most consecutive wins at home to open a season.  But their opponent was the Washington Nationals. Shouldn’t THAT record have an asterisk?

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Two Ohio businessmen and six University of Toledo former basketball players were indicted Wednesday in an alleged point shaving scheme.  This is shocking, there are actually people who bet real money on Toledo basketball games?

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Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the “perfect” choice” to talk about teen abstinence.  I assume she also thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the “Defense of Marriage Act?

 

(Aka “DOMA”, and yes he did.)

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Who’d a thunk it?  The “cleanest” slugger of the modern baseball era might turn out to be Barry Bonds?

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This Bud’s for you…

May 5, 2009

From Nick Coombs:

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was selected to give the commencement address at the University of Wisconsin. In honor of his contribution the the national pastime the University said they will present Selig with an honorary diploma with an asterisk.

In related news, Commission Selig praised the law mandating a 21 year old drinking age, and commended the University for being alcohol free for underclassmen.

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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced it might be time to study the legalization of marijuana.   Actually, recent polls of Californians show most people support such legalization.   I guess they feel that it’s high time.

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Many California schools were supposed to be closed for a  week because of swine flu, but due to new government regulations they will reopen as early as Wednesday. Bummer for all those families who planned to take the week off for a cheap Mexican vacation.

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And following up on yesterday, more celebrity flu strains.  Political edition.

Joe Biden flu.  Seems innocuous, but…it…never..ends.

John Edwards flu:  Supposedly safely quarantined, but more free-ranging than we thought.

Norm Coleman flu:  You may think you have it beat, but it can hang around for months.

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Beyond swine flu…sports flus…

May 5, 2009

Okay, maybe the swine flu worries are calming down just a bit.

But what about these potential new sports flus?

 

Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May.

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Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around home plate.

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Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.

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San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn’t really hit anyone yet.

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Mine the Bird flu  – You’ve never heard of it before, but you can’t catch it.

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Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain,  started in Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it’s finally gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.

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Alex Rodriguez flu –  Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it tips you off when it’s coming.

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Bailout the NBA?

May 4, 2009

Okay,  it’s only one game and one loss to Houston, but… if the Lakers don’t make it to the NBA finals, well, ABC will find out what it’s like to carry the Stanley Cup playoffs.

 

No, there’s no NBA Lakers’  bias.  The Houston Rockets up 10 with 1 minute and 40 seconds left and the announcers are saying “They have a great chance to break through and win tonight.”

 And “if they can hold on…”

 Women in Kenya have said they will abstain from sex until their government is in order.  Is that a good idea?  Look how well it worked out with Hillary Clinton.

In related news, Kenya is apparently the first African country projected to have negative population growth.

 

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San Francisco Giants hitting and other myths…

May 3, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants won another 1-0 game.  After they lost a 5-1 game. And won a 3-2 game.  Three games, five runs, and this time they won two of three.  

It’s enough to make you turn to a high scoring sport like soccer.

Actually Giants management says they would like to trade for a good hitter, but revenue is down. 

Have they considered that one reason revenue is down is because they don’t have any good hitters?

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“Mine that Bird, ” a 50-1 longshot, won the Kentucky Derby.   The 3 year old gelding beat some expensive horses flown by private jet from the Mideast.  But he travelled across country to Churchill Downs with a 21 hour drive in a basic horse trailer pulled behind a pickup truck.    I see a potential lucrative endorsement contract from Southwest Airlines.

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The New York Mets have banned local newspapers from their clubhouse in an effort to keep players from reading negative stories about the team’s lousy start.  Across the city, the Yankees are insulating their bullpen by simply banning newspapers written in English.

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Two members of the New Orleans Saints were arrested and charged with 3 counts including obscenity, disturbing the peace and lewd conduct.  New Orleans officials issued a statement saying they were very disappointed. Normally the Saints only embarrass themselves on the field

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As the Youtube video of Condoleezza Rice arguing with a Stanford student receives more and more global attention, one question comes to mind.  How can you be smart enough to be chosen as Secretary of State, and dumb enough not to realize that these days, everyone in the world has a camera phone?

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Religion and torture.

May 3, 2009

A recent CNN survey found that regular church goers were far more likely to support the use of torture than non church goers.

Well, yeah,  there’s probably a higher pain threshold if they can sit through sermons on a weekly basis.

 

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Another example of why it’s “The most exciting two minutes in sports.”

The CNN.com home page has a story “12 horses have a shot to win the Kentucky Derby.”

And then the banner headline “Breaking news: 50 to 1 longshot Mine that Bird has won the Kentucky Derby.”

No, Mine that Bird wasn’t one of the  12.

 

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Miss Calfornia, Carrie Prejean, is continuing her campaign against gay marriage on Fox News and on the lecture circuit.   And getting a warm reception  from religious conservatives.

Let’s hope it makes up for the fact that she will probably never be served another good meal in her life in a San Francisco restaurant.

And that she may need a bodyguard or at least some protection should she venture into an unfamilar California salon for a touchup.

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You can’t make this stuff up

May 1, 2009

As in  –  Michael Vick – potential  future PETA spokesman.   

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And Miss California,  Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road.  Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman.

She says, among other things, that  “God was testing my character and faith. I’m glad I stayed true to myself.”     Apparently truth has nothing to do with cup size.

But you have to hand it to her on priorities.  Ms Prejean was willing to risk losing the pageant by honestly answering a question about what she believes to be unnatural gay marriage.  But she wasn’t  not willing to lose it by showing up with her natural cleavage.

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So the economy is in shambles, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and the swine flu might be a pandemic.   And a Texas Congressman has introduced a bill to prevent the NCAA from crowning a national football champion unless that champion comes out of a playoff system.  Good to see Congress is on top of things:

 

Actually it would be an interesting bet – will the U.S.bring down Bin Laden before we bring down the BCS?

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Well,  for those who remember Hillary Clinton’s primary comment that Barack Obama was not a Muslem “As far as I know…:”

We’ve got a contender to top that: 

Brett Favre’s affirmation of his retirement:  “At this time.”

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he is retiring as of June  so he can return to a quiet life in New Hampshire.   President Obama accepted the retirement, but  simply asked Souter that before he leaves, could he also tell Clarence Thomas about the joys of rural New England?

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With all the school closings, this “swine flu” has to seem like a real gift to schoolchildren who have been ready for summer vacation for months.   The only way it could be better, if it were “broccoli flu.”   (Or anything else transmitted by eating vegetables.)

 

And finally, from the very funny Derek Wilken of Calgary, Alberta, on U.S.  officials advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare: “They are suggesting people stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankees’ box seats.’’

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A-Rod and A Is-this-For-Real?

May 1, 2009

A new tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez alleges that besides using steroids, the slugger would tip pitches for opposing batters  when he was with the Rangers.  This is unbelievable.  Any batter would need help against Rangers’ pitching?

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There are also allegations in the book that A-Rod used steroids as early as high school.  Which explained why his classmates voted him “Most Likely to Have a Swelled Head.”

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Could it get any worse for A-Rod?  Today the Yankees told him they were pleased with his rehablitation from his hip injury, but they thought he should spend his last weeks on the DL training in Mexico.

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring.   While the first President Bush expected Souter to be a moderate conservative,  as a justice he turned out to be reasonably liberal.  George H. W. Bush considers the appointment to be one of this biggest mistakes, next to introducing his son George W  to politics.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “A 17-year old Los Angeles area marching band girl fended off two muggers with her baton.Too bad Stanford didn’t have her against Cal back in ’82”

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Condoleezza Rice was caught on  video tonight arguing with a Stanford student tonight.   Her statemants including that Guantanamo Bay was a “medium security” facility, and added  “We did not torture anyone.”

I like the one about George W. Bush planning to write a book better.

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Game six of the first round NBA matchup between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls went to three overtimes.  Which I think  makes the time of game longer than the Pistons lasted in the playoffs. 

 

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Okay, and finally, 100 days into Obama’s presidency, who’d a thunk that the Clintons would have proved far less of an distraction than Joe Biden?

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