Posted tagged ‘Clinton jokes’

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Natural talent…

May 16, 2009

A resolution presented to the Vista, California school board to declare June 1 Carrie Prejean day failed this week.

The resolution stated  that Prejean is an example “of what great things can be accomplished with natural talent, hard work and dedication.” Considering that pageant-paid “boob job,  honoring Prejean for her  natural talent is like honoring Joe Biden for his natural hair.

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Wonder who drafted that resolution, maybe the same guy who drafted the Dodgers’ resolution to honor Manny for HIS natural talent.

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Whoever said numbers don’t lie apparently wasn’t a fan of beauty pageants or baseball.

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GM said they will close over 1000 dealerships.  Which means that next year those dealerships will sell about as many cars as they are selling now.

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While it’s anyone’s guess who will be the next Governor of California, it’s pretty sure who won’t be getting the endorsement from Northern California’s largest newspaper.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom apparently said to a reporter from The Economist  if the SF Chronicle were to fold, “people under 30 wouldn’t even notice.”  Although my money’s on the Chronicle to survive longer than Gavin’s gubernatorial bid.

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Michael Phelps’ mom Debbie  is apparently unhappy about “those cheap girls” – cocktail waitresses, strippers, etc, that her son is dating.

But hey, now that he’s already the new Mark Spitz, maybe Michael has set his sights on being the next Bill Clinton.

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The fall of Troy? And other Pac 10 problems.

May 14, 2009

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O.J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC.

If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.”

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Sorry, I can’t come up with a better punchline than porn-star Stormy Daniels’ campaign slogan.  Ms. Daniels is running for the Louisiana Senate against David Vitters, the conservative family-values Republican who admitted to being with prostitutes.

Her slogan:  Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly”

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Miss California, Carrie Prejean, now says about the famous gay marriage question,  “I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me.”   

As opposed to what she was trying to do to men with those topless pictures?

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And Sarah Palin defended Carrie Prejean for staying “true to herself.”  Does that mean Governor Palin is giving her daughters permission to get their own breast implants?

 

Arizona State University honored President Obama as their graduation speaker, but declined to give him an honorary degree.  Apparently at ASU, degrees are for those who earn them, unless baseball or football is involved.

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Bill Clinton chastised Dick Cheney jumping into the spotlight and acting like he was still in office  –   Said the former president “It’s over.”

Does this really need a punchline?

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Tainted records…

May 7, 2009

The Los Angeles Dodgers broke a major league record for most consecutive wins at home to open a season.  But their opponent was the Washington Nationals. Shouldn’t THAT record have an asterisk?

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Two Ohio businessmen and six University of Toledo former basketball players were indicted Wednesday in an alleged point shaving scheme.  This is shocking, there are actually people who bet real money on Toledo basketball games?

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Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the “perfect” choice” to talk about teen abstinence.  I assume she also thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the “Defense of Marriage Act?

 

(Aka “DOMA”, and yes he did.)

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Who’d a thunk it?  The “cleanest” slugger of the modern baseball era might turn out to be Barry Bonds?

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Yankees seats and other jokes…

April 27, 2009

Regarding those premium seats that sell for over $5000 a pair at Yankee Stadium.  The first place Toronto Blue Jays also charge extra for “Premium Dugout” seats, ie the field level on the infield.  The cost for those seats, up to $73.    Canadian.

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Part of the problem the Yankees have is finding people willing to admit they are paying so much for tickets, especially since the seats are visible on television.  So  perhaps the solution,  unbreakable one-way glass?

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Lost in the controversy over the “Legends Level” seats, are the prices the Yankees charge for regular lower level seats on the infield.   If the seats are available on the day of the game…. $400 each.

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And with the Yankees getting off to such a mediocre start, there’s the very real possibility of paying all that money, and not having an enjoyable evening.  Some men are figuring, they might as  well just save some of the money, and take their wives to the ballet instead.

from Jim Barach

“Yankee Stadium’s premium priced seats that sell between $500-2,600 have been going mostly empty this season. Mostly because the only people who make enough money to afford them are the Yankees.”

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The Boston Celtics  and Chicago Bulles  played an exciting NBA playoff game Sunday that ended in double overtime.  Meanwhile,  the Lakers and Cavaliers watched that Celtics-Bulls game with all the interest of cats observing a good mouse fight.

John McCain says that  prosecuting lawyers who signed off on waterboarding would be a “witch hunt.”  And he remembers it didn’t turn out so well when he watched those hunts in Salem.

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New Yorkers are already reminiscing fondly about the days when Eliott Spitzer was Governor, and in a recent poll most would like to have him back.  Apparently they belatedly prefer a sleazeball to an incompetent.  Which may come to be known as the “post-Clinton effect.”

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And hey, give Spitzer his due.  With all the tax scandals brewing these days, at least he got in trouble for actually paying money.

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Meow mix

April 21, 2009

Okay,  tonight’s posts are catty.

Washingtonian Magazine featured a shirtless picture of our new President on the cover.  Yet another reason to be glad Democrats didn’t nominate Hillary Clinton.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom officially announced his candidacy for Governor of California on Twitter.  Does that mean all this followers are Twits?

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Actually the California Governor’s race currently features SF mayor Gavin Newsom against LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.  So let’s see, one had an affair with his best friend and campaign manager’s wife, the other with the anchorwoman of Telemundo, the state’s largest Spanish language station.

If it’s an election about judgment, it’s hard to see which one of them has shown worse…

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Regarding the NBA playoffs,  an event designed seemingly to drive sports fans into watching hockey, you really have to wonder, who came up with this system?.

Case in point, a first round matchup between the New Orleans Hornets and the Denver Nuggets, two of the more interesting “teams-who-are-not-the-Lakers.”  (I confess, I like Chris Paul.)  

The first game is at 1030p Eastern time, 930p New Orleans time, 830p Denver time.  On Sunday, a school night  But wait, in case this matchup  piques anyone’s attention, the next game is…Wednesday?

Even Bud Selig is saying… what are these people thinking?

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And speaking of hockey, San Jose managed to win a game tonight against the Anaheim Ducks.  Good thing too, it was shaping up to be the worst Shark week not involving Roy Schneider and Richard Dreyfuss.

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Dick Cheney has been in the news again criticizing the Obama administration.  But give the guy a break, he’s having a hard time adjusting to no longer being President.

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The amazing Susan Boyle…

April 17, 2009

By now most of the world has seen and heard the marvellous Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.  (By the way, hard to believe, but she is the same age as Princess Diana would be, had she lived.)

Simon Cowell was clearly enraptured watching Susan Boyle sing.  In fact, Simon hadn’t looked that approving since he last shaved in front of a mirror.

 

– okay, this one is tacky – but –

Susan Boyle has become an instant celebrity.  Nobody’s become that famous before  just by opening their mouth since Monica Lewinsky.

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The number one-seeded San Jose Sharks lost their first playoff game Thursday night.   Not to say the Sharks are beginning to resemble a certain jinxed baseball team, but they are starting to refer to their arena – HP Pavilion – as the “Friendly Confines.”

 

Nadya Suleman is apparently trying to trademark the name “Octomom”  Guess the term “Psychomom” was already taken.

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The San Francisco Giants are 2-7 after losing their last six games in a row.  To be fair, there are only three things wrong with the team  – hitting, pitching and defense.

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Meg Whitman,  the former Ebay CEO running for Governor of California, has touted her skills with numbers and budgets.  And she  said today that “”On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is really hard, being governor of California is a 12.”

12 on a scale of 1 to 10.  So what happens when things get really difficult with numbers?

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Hillary Clinton is offering a date with her husband to one lucky person who helps contribute to pay off her campaign debt.  And Bill said, “Honey, if you’d just let me help this way last year, we could have won this election.”

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Michelle Obama meets the Queen

April 2, 2009

Regarding that now famous picture of Michelle Obama and the Queen of Elizabeth with their arms around each other:

I’ve got to figure the Queen whispered “Why couldn’t one of my boys have met a nice girl like you?”

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Yankees General Partner Hal Steinbrenner said. “Look, there’s no doubt small amounts of our tickets might be overpriced.”

Like most of their players.

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Disgrunted Denver Quarterback Jay Cutler has been traded to Chicago. Wonder how long it will take Bears fans to start missing Rex Grossman?

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Callers trying to reach Hillary Clinton on a conference call were accidentally directed to a sultry woman’s voice offering phone sex. And Bill Clinton said “See, honey, I told you, that used to happen to me all the time.”

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More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

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Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

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NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

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Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

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Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

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Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

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Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

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Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.
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Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

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Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

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Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

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Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

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AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

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NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

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Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

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Slow learners award winner: South African Airways..

February 17, 2009

For the second time in a MONTH, the entire crew of a South African Airways plane has been arrested for trying to smuggle cocaine into Heathrow. Yes, pilots and flight attendants.

Maybe this is how they have achieved all those on-time and fast service ratings…

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An anonymous contributor to IOL, a South Africa website, suggested that the new South African Airways (SAA) slogan be “We fly you higher.”

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But let’s see, you know you have been caught before, you know you are under investigation, and you still try to get away with something? Wonder how long before SAA introduces their new corporate spokesman – Rod Blagojevich?

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Alex Rodriguez plans to bring an entourage to his press conference Tuesday about steroids, including one of the lawyers who represented Sammy Sosa. Without knowing their strategy in advance I can only expect the lawyer is working on having A-Rod learn more Spanish, and forget more English.
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Cynical thought: A-Rod expects to have many of his Yankees teammates at the press conference. Supposedly for support. But more likely because his teammates feel Rodriguez willl be less likely to throw them under the bus if they are present…

Another cynical thought. As the Feds prepare their perjury case against Barry Bonds, one detail that has emerged is that they sent a pregnant FBI agent to work out regularly with Bonds’ trainer’s wife in hopes of getting her to spill the beans on Barry’s alleged steroid use.

Apparently they didn’t get anything useful out of the attempted sting, but you have to wonder….if the Feds spent half as much energy investigating the stock market as they did Bonds, our country might be in slightly better shape now.

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Newly appointed New York Senator Kristen Gillibrand has announced she is no longer keeping guns under her bed in case she is surprised by someone sneaking in at night. Fortunately, her predecessor never adopted the same habit. We could have lost Bill.
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Scary thought, somewhere in this country Nadya Suleman might be telling some fertility doctor, “I really need in-vitro, I only have 14 kids…”

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