That sigh of relief you heard…

Posted December 6, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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…was BCS officials when Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence’s kick sailed about 2 feet over the uprights to give the Longhorns a 13-12 victory over Nebraska. Had Nebraska pulled off the upset, the BCS committee would have had the choice for the BCS championship between TCU and Cincinnati. Both of which choices would surely be considered wrong by half the country. Not that the current system isn’t wrong already.

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Wonder how many votes he could get from Ohio (Cincinnati), Idaho (Boise State), and the Dallas-Ft Worth area (TCU), if President Obama added a rider to the healthcare bill to require an NCAA playoff system?

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Portland center Greg Oden fractured his kneecap during a game against the Houston Rockets today and will likely be out for the season. The only good news for the Trail Blazers. His hospital bills should be covered by Medicare.

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According to a San Francisco based consumer group, “The Good Guide”, apparently Zhu Zhu pets contain too high a level of the chemical, “antimony,” which can cause health issues.

Maybe we shouldn’t be sending troops to Afghanistan; it would be cheaper and cost less American lives to just ship them fast food and cheap toys.

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Minnesota police cited Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian going 104 mph in a 60-mph zone, a few days after they caught his teammate Adrian Peterson going 109 mph in a 55-mph zone. Meanwhile Brett Favre was allegedly cited for going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, with his left blinker on.

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Tim Tebow always wears a bible verse on his eyeblack. Today’s was John 16-33, a verse that ends – “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The world, yes. Apparently Alabama, no.

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From Alex Kaseberg:

The Tiger Woods story is amazing. Married guys across the country are dumbfounded. Tiger was out dating women when he could have been playing golf? What is wrong with him?

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No no, New Jersey Nets…

Posted December 5, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Tne Nets finally won their first game to move their record upwards to 1-18. But they still might be the most embarrassing story of the year to come out of New Jersey not involving an indictment.

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How bad have the Nets been? Even Conan O’Brien has declined to joke about them, saying, “those poor fans have suffered enough.”

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On the other hand, if the Nets continue at this pace, they may qualify for federal stimulus money targeted to clear up toxic messes.

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So the New Jersey Nets finally won their first game of the year to move to 1-18. Who’s more embarrassed, the Nets or the Charlotte Bobcats team they beat? Of course, both of them are very thankful this week for Tiger Woods.

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The Tiger Woods story just won’t go away. Who said golf would never regularly be a front page sport?

Notre Dame decided not to go to a bowl game. Bummer, said absolutely no one not a past or present resident of South Bend.

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A Unversity of Delaware graduate student going through some old documents discovered a previously unknown personal letter written by Thomas Jefferson. The letter was apparently discussing a possible appearance on the Larry King Show

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A woman gave birth on a Southwest Airlines flight scheduled from Chicago to Salt Lake City. The plane had to divert to Denver, but both mother and baby were fine. Good thing she was on Southwest. Most airlines would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

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Many Americans professed to be thrilled with the U.S. draw in the World Cup. Probably more than will actually watch it.

Sarah Palin, in her new book “Going Rogue,” incorrectly credited a quote — in short, “Our land is everything to us … our grandfathers paid for it with their lives” — to legendary UCLA coach John Wooden instead of Cheyenne activist John Wooden Legs. Said Bill Littlejohn: “I can’t wait to get to the part where George Washington Carver crosses the Delaware.”

And when someone compared former Governor Palin to Yogi Berra she allegedly laughed and said “thanks, but I think his little pal “Boo Boo” was more of a maverick.”

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Been there, done that.

Posted December 4, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Okay, well, we can expect one variation on the traditional “You’ve just won the Rose Bowl, where are you going?” question.

Because the Oregon Ducks clearly have already been to Disneyland. Apparently to shop for a mascot.

(note, today is an experiment, the first post with a picture.)

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Ouching Tiger.

Posted December 4, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

– the New Jersey Nets

– Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

– the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

– the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.

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Tiger and beyond….

Posted December 3, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Allen Iverson will apparently sign with the 76ers, after he announced his retirement only a week ago. “Amateur,” commented Brett Favre.

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After the week Tiger Woods has had, I can only hope Tim Tebow really is as clean as his image. Otherwise God could start losing his faith in people.

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Well, this week does answer those who say Tiger never really connects with “playing partners.”

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And I suppose those Americans who are tired of this story already have to be thankful for one thing…. Texting hadn’t really been invented when Bill Clinton was President…..

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The NFL is trying to prevent more serious head injuries and has instituted a policy whereby players who think they have sustained a concussion should not return to action on the same day if they show “certain signs or symptoms.”

These symptoms include “an inability to remember assignments or plays.” Which means by the end of many games, the Cleveland Browns may find themselves unable to field 11 men on offense.

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Ron Artest now says that he used to drink cognac during halftime while he has been playing in NBA. Wow, and here most fans thought the only people drinking hard stuff during the games would be Artest’s coaches.

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Actually, Artest says he drank while playing for the Chicago Bulls. When he was with the Sacramento Kings, he just drove fans to drink. And just think, that whole brawl that ensued when a man threw a beer on him in Detroit, could this all have been averted had the guy just thrown Hennessy?

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Be careful what you wish for department:

As much of the nation begins to focus on Toby Gerhart, who may or may not win a Heisman, but will graduate from Stanford this year, we can also pause to remember another player who would have been a senior at Stanford, playing basketball, until he decided to jump to the NBA. – Brook Lopez.

And yes, he’s making over $2.5 million in NBA salary. But playing for the New Jersey Nets. (Stanford, 5-3 and picked to finish last in the Pac 10, has 5 more wins than the Nets.)

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Tonight the New Jersey Nets set an NBA record for most losses to open the season, and head into the week 0-18. In three years, the Nets are expected to leave New Jersey and move to Brooklyn. Which is strangely appropriate. It’s about time New Jersey dumped some of their garbage back to New York.

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Endings…

Posted December 2, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Bobby Bowden leaving Florida State – the end of an era.

Charlie Weis leaving Notre Dame – the end of an error.

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Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’ has sold more than one million copies. And at least a dozen of those copies might actually get read.

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“You can’t make this stuff up” department, again. On Cincinnati.com (where I was looking for information on Brian Kelly and the Notre Dame coaching vacancy,) a pop-up ad for Miller’s Bakery, Furniture and Bulk Foods. Miller’s also proudly proclaims they are “Amish owned – Amish operated.”

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GM Ceo Fritz Henderson resigned today. Which surprised a lot of Americans who didn’t realize anyone was driving at GM.

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Major League Baseball has asked Internet sites to remove several semi-nude photographs of Cleveland Indians centerfielder Grady Sizemore.

Apparently the photos were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account. It could have been worse. Someone could have stolen and posted semi-nude photos of C.C. Sabathia..

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And since we can’t let the Tiger Woods story go yet…. (Neither can he, note to Tiger, didn’t you get the Letterman memo – rule 1, come clean, immediately, rule 2, let them laugh, rule 3, THEN shut up.)

So will Tiger Woods’ new theme song, (with apologies to AC-DC), be “Driveway to Hell?”

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Give poor Tiger some credit, at least he didn’t claim to be heading out for a moonlight walk on the Appalachian trail.

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And no one seems to believe the President when he says we will be out of Afghanistan by 2011. But Obama’s got a foolproof plan. He’s going to put the war in prime-time on NBC. It could be finished by next summer.

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This joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Kaseberg.

Just wondering, how long until someone decides to sell a rare picture of Jesus on EBay, one where if you look closely you can see an image of a pancake or a slice of toast?

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And another bad pun alert, this time from Bill Littlejohn:

“A newly-discovered film from the late 50’s shows Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. It was titled ‘Some Like It Pot'”

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Tiger’s worst drive continues…

Posted December 1, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn’t take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie.
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Or,

Continued stonewalling just doesn’t seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie.

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So Tiger Wood’s reputed girlfriend claims she wants privacy and then hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer. Yeah, right. Even Sarah Palin refers to Allred as a “media whore.”

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(anyone who hates puns skip the next one.)

Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees?

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Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON.

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Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her outburst during last year’s U.S. Open. Apparently it was the worst display of profanity in New York in September not involving the Mets’ bullpen.

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Mayor Bloomberg spent $102 million on his re-election. $102 million, for one win in New York. Curiously enough, that may be the final result for the Nets.

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Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll.

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In Charlie Weis’s final game at Notre Dame, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart rushed for 206 yards against the beleaguered Fighting Irish defense. Which means at least we got to find out the answer to an old question – “What happens when an irresistible force meets 11 movable objects?”

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A German tourist was arrested at Disney World after saying he had a bomb in his backpack. Apparently there was some confusion. What he meant was simply that he had an advance DVD copy of Old Dogs.

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A racing yacht, “The Kingdom of Bahrain,” and its British crew were seized by Iran, after the boat accidentally strayed into Iranian waters. The yacht is worth tens of millions of dollars. You’d think if someone spent that much on a boat they would have sprung for a TomTom.

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Cyber Monday.

Posted November 30, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Today is Cyber Monday. The day that makes employers long for those high productivity work days during March Madness.

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Many retailers are cautiously optimistic about weekend sales figures. Of course, faced with the alternative prospect of taking their daughters to see “New Moon,” wonder how many men said “Honey, let’s just go shopping?”

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Sarah Palin had announced she would be taking part in a 5K race this weekend in Washington but she decided to drop out citing potential crowds becoming a distraction. But the former Alaska governor will be back on the trail this week, signing books and criticizing President Obama for not following through on his promises.

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Celebrity Cruise Lines is introducing all-you-can-drink packages on board their ships. The packages range from $22 a day for frozen drinks, to $34.50 for beer, to $51.50 for regular drinks, to $76 for premium liquor like Grey Goose vodka. Payable in advance. So lets see, this means cruisers could spend several hundred a week up front for unlimited drinks. What could possibly go wrong?

(After all, it’s not like anyone on a ship has ever watched fellow passengers overindulge on a buffet line because “they’ve already paid for it.)

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Charlie Weis will probably be fired after leading the Fighting Irish to a 6-6 record. Which Notre Dame alums consider a major disappointment. Although Cleveland Browns fans would consider it a “bloody miracle.”

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Ditto Bobby Bowden, who is facing the wrath of Seminole fans for his own 6-6 record. Has he considered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

The NFL has achieved one thing with its goal of parity. A number of teams equally suitable for punchlines.

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Tiger Woods is discovering one problem with living in a gated community. He can’t blame his one-car crash on being distracted by a photographer.

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But maybe we should give Woods a little more time. He could just be finalizing an endorsement deal with 24 hour CVS or Walmart.

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An idle question. How many celebrities’ lives would be a lot less complicated, but how much harder would joke writers have to work, if one of the first requirements of being a well-paid star was a 24/7 car and driver?

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Much of the controversy still swirling around Adam Lambert’s performance on the American Music Awards has to do with the fact that parents claim to be upset about their children seeing such overt sexuality on television. And most also claim that it has nothing to do with being anti-gay.

CBS, however, while they had Lambert appear on the “Early Show,” blurred out images of him kissing a male band member.
Well, at least this week, the network is getting back to more traditional family entertainment. Dec 1, in primetime – “The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

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And finally from Nick Coombs:

“Wear eye-black for Tim Tebow” was considered a rousing success at Florida over the weekend. This proved much more successful than Notre Dame’s “black-eye for Jimmy Clausen” promotion.

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Okay, you think you have parent issues

Posted November 29, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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An Indianapolis dad might have just wrapped up the “Worst Dad of the Year” award not involving a major felony.

He went into a strip club, leaving his 5 year old son in his truck watching cartoons. When he cames out, the truck was apparently gone and he reports it stolen. The police quickly locate the truck, with the child unharmed – and still watching television – inside. The doors were unlocked, and the keys still in the ignition. Apparently dad was so drunk, he simply forgot where he parked it. .

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And a quick Heisman commercial.

Bad night for east coast media. Because either Notre Dame is really, really, over-rated, with or without Charlie Weis. Or Toby Gerhart should be a serious favorite for the Heisman.

Notre Dame was an non-conference optional game for Stanford. Which means to be fair, Tebow and McCoy fans should want to make sure Texas and Florida’s out of conference scheduled games count too, against University of Central Florida and Florida International University.

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Tiger, tiger…

Posted November 28, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Well, just when we thought the most interesting pre-dawn story on Black Friday would involved some mall craziness.

Whatever happened with Tiger Woods at 225am, I think we can be sure that his last words as he left the house were NOT “Can I get you something while I’m out, honey?”

Might be Tiger’s shortest drive in history. Although presumably he was driving out of some deep rough.

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Not that President Obama was apparently in any real danger. But is anyone else bothered by the fact that you have to have a ticket and matching ID to get on a Southwest flight, but not into a White House State Dinner?

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This year’s Heisman voting will be by electronic ballot. Here’s hoping it’s not bad news for Toby Gerhart that one of the candidates is from Florida.

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Colorado football coach Dan Hawkins got his contract renewed, and then his Buffalos fell again, this time in a closer than expected game to Nebraska, 28-20, meaning they will finish the season 3-9. Maybe he was auditioning for an NFL job with the Redskins.

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Cincinnati quarterback Tony Pike threw for six touchdowns against Illinois. Six touchdowns. Or as the Raiders call that “a good month.”

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Post turkey…

Posted November 27, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has installed a code system with Mark Sanchez in an attempt to cut down the rookie quarterback’s mistakes and provide him with a clearer idea of the tasks at hand. Since Sanchez is a former USC player I can only assume that the code is 1 for a handoff, 2 for a pass.

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Denver Broncos coach Josh McDaniels was apparently trash-trashing the San Diego Chargers players during warmups last year, saying amongst other things – “We own you.” Considering that the Chargers beat the Broncos 32-3, if Denver did own them, that San Diego foreclosed on the mortgage.

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The Broncos did win the Thanksgiving Day game against the New York Giants. The NFL network, however, accidentally broadcast coach McDaniels yelling “we’re trying to win a bleeping (not his exact word) football game” to Denver players. Well, so much for his appearance on Good Morning America.

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The University of Colorado announced that they will retain coach Dan Hawkins for the 2010 season despite the team’s disappointing record. Which was a surprise, normally with a record that bad you don’t get rehired. Re-elected maybe.

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Congrats to Stanford’s running backs coach Willie Taggart, who has been named the new head football coach at Western Kentucky University. Taggart hopes he can replicate his success at Stanford. Which means his first order of business will be – recruit another Toby Gerhart.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman hopes to follow the sales success of “Going Rogue” with her own forthcoming autobiography, “The Power of Many.” Whitman says her book will differ from Palin’s in a few substantive ways – nouns, verbs, sentences…

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The mothers of the three Americans who were arrested in Iran have sent video messages to their children. The hikers continue to deny that they were spying, and claim they thought they were in Iraq. In fact, they are really hoping to be released soon so they can get back to training as Northwest pilots.

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Ndamukong Suh, a DT (Defensive Tackle) from Nebraska, is next year’s probable number one NFL draft pick. He is nonetheless considered a longshot even to make it to New York for the Heisman ceremony. To the chagrin of many fans of great defensive players, and to the relief of U.S. sportscasters and copy editors.

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Donny Osmond, 51, was this year’s winner of Dancing With The Stars. Said Bill Littlejohn “He’s now the cover boy on Saber Tooth Tiger Beat.”

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Thanksgiving day….

Posted November 26, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Since this is the day we in America give thanks, surely this would be the day to thank those without whom this blog could not be written….

In no particular order, from the NFL – Brett Favre, the Detroit Lions, Cleveland Browns and Washington Redskins. (The Oakland Raiders and SF 49ers on occasion too.) And commissioner Roger Goddell, for overseeing a system of fines that no would-be comedy writer could make up.

From college football, the USC Trojans and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Alas, it looks like we may not have Charlie Weis to kick around anymore. Though Rich Rodriguez looks to be keeping his job at Michigan. Not to mention the ageless Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno. And of course, the BCS.
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From the NBA, the New Jersey Nets for being on a record pace for awfulness, and as always the New York Knicks, the Clippers, Shaquille O”Neal and Kobe Bryant.

For College Basketball, well, without Bobby Knight there are no sure things. Except March Madness.
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From Major League Baseball, the Yankees, Mets and Dodgers. Along with the Giants offense. And now that Julio Franco has retired, Jamie Moyer. And Bud Selig, one of the most unintentionally funny straight men of all time.

Golf, well, Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer of all time, but he’s no Lee Trevino.

And perhaps this is jumping the gun, or rather the scores, but the Winter Olympics are coming up in a few months. What would we do without French judges? And curling.

Then there’s the world of politics….and the list is longer than a Joe Biden Speech.

But nonetheless, in rapid-fire progression (and a bi-partisan list) – Sarah Palin, Joe Biden, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Robert Ensign, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Lieberman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the state of Louisiana, the state of New York, and the state of California. (Hard to believe, Texas may have fallen out of the top three for joke material. Molly Ivins would never believe it.)

And because she has thrown herself into the political arena, Carrie Prejean. And here we thought we’d miss Joe the Plumber.

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On a more serious note, a special thank you to some of my brilliant friends who also make the effort to bring some smiles (we hope) into the world. And who sometimes share ideas and help inspire me to keep at it. Especially when they frequently come up with jokes that I wish I had written –

Again in no particular order, and I am going to leave out somebody….

Alex Kaseberg, Jerry Perisho, Scott Ostler, Will Durst, Neil Berliner, Jim Barach, Hartley Miller, Cam Hutchinson, Bill Littlejohn, Marc Ragovin, Paul Seaburn,….

If any reader doesn’t know any of the above writers, I recommend them all highly.

And finally, thanks to everyone who makes the time to read this blog. (If you’ve found it by accident, that’s okay too.)

Janice Hough

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Schwarzenegger and other rock stars.

Posted November 25, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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It wasn’t embarassing enough for TMZ to catch his wife Maria Schriver driving while holding a cellphone and parking illegally. Now Governor Schwarzenegger has also been photographed with HIS Porsche parked illegally. But maybe this means Arnold’s next job should be with the 49ers. At least he knows how to get into the red zone.

(any reader outside California feel free to substitute “Redskins.”

Speaking of Washington, once again the Redskins are embroiled in a controversy and a lawsuit over whether their name is derogatory towards Indians. Although if Cleveland gets much worse, expect a lawsuit over their name being potentially derogatory – from Crayola over the color Brown.

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Has anyone else notice how many politicians send nice emails this time of year saying things like “Time for Thanks,” or “Thanks for all your Support,”, or something similar? And then at the bottom of the email is always a button to solicit donations.

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After his racy performance at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert’s appearance on Good Morning America was cancelled. Apparently ABC felt it would be inappropriate for a potential family audience. Instead, they spent the time discussing Carrie Prejean’s sex tapes and Mark Sanford’s ethics violations.

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Or interviewing US Air’s pilot hero. And if Captain “Sully” Sullenberger is now having “rock star sex” after his heroic landing, does that mean he is kissing his co-pilot and simulating gay acts?

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I suppose I shouldnt go there on the idea that, okay, “Sully” gets “rock star sex” for landing the plane in the Hudson… what do those Northwest pilots get for missing Minneapolis? The obvious thought is that that their wives said that it wasn’t unusual for them to get distracted and miss the target. But other suggestions encouraged.

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Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is dating former Cal and current Rams backup quarterback Kyle Boller. In fact, Prejean dedicated her book to him. For his part Boller says Carrie’s giving him a whole new appreciation for watching tape.

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Myths and Urban legends…

Posted November 24, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Urban Meyer, coach of the Gators says he wants to dispel rumors he will take the Notre Dame job, and says he is staying at Florida “as long as they’ll have me.”

Or at least until Notre Dame makes him a much better offer…

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But really, if Meyer wants millions to coach an overhyped, unachieving team with ridiculously rich backers, he should probably hold out for the Redskins.

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The Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, will be visiting President Obama in Washington today, and apparently hoping for evidence that Obama values the “strategic partnership” between the two countries. Especially compared to U.S. relations with China. The short version of Singh’s agenda “Debt, schmebt, want to kiss your tech support goodbye?””

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Governor Schwarzenegger announced his appointment of Republican Abel Maldonado as lieutenant governor on the new Jay Leno show. Democrats immediately accused Arnold of trying to slip his choice through while no one was looking.

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South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is facing 37 ethics charges . Yes, 37. Or as they call that in Louisiana, a good start.

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37 separate ethics violations for Governor Sanford. Wouldn’t it be simpler for the South Carolina legislature to pass a resolution saying “You’re a scumball, please leave”?

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This is President Obama’s first Thanksgiving in Washington, which means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats think believe Obama’s already done enough for Joe Lieberman.

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Ah for the good old days, when appealing to your “inner 13 year old” mean the rock band Kiss, and not Twilight.

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More about those amazing weekend numbers, over $142 million gross for “The New Moon.” And 80 percent of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 percent men, about a dozen were actually straight.

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Christie’s is auctioning off a first edition of Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.” They hope the book will fetch at least 60,000 British pounds. Although the number of people buying Sarah Palin’s book has slightly tarnished the theory of human evolution.

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If the Raiders win in a forest…

Posted November 23, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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And almost no fans are at the stadium, and no one sees it on TV, does it still count?

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Congrats to the Raiders on a rare win today. For the first time in recent memory, Oakland receivers used their hands more than the French soccer team.

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Brett Favre continues to amaze with his performance as a member of the Minnesota Vikings. If this keeps up wonder if Dan Snyder will find a way to track down Doug Williams.

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Once again, the Washington Redskins came close but lost the game, this time to the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe it was a bit of hubris to name their stadium FedEx Field. At least FedEx actually delivers.

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New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets.

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President Obama is getting ready for his first Thanksgiving in the White House, and of course, he plans to pardon a turkey. But most Democrats are telling him, Lieberman just doesn’t deserve it.

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Apparently the President donned a Chicago Bears jacket as part of a NFL promotional spot he has taped for Thanksgiving Day. Not a bad idea, despite all the criticism he has faced, Obama does have higher approval ratings than Jay Cutler.

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“New Moon”, the latest Twilight movie, grossed over $140 million. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Wow. That means some of those women actually got men to show up?

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The number two movie this weekend was “The Blind Side,” basically a football-themed chick-flick, which had an audience of 59 percent women. It’s a shame for the U.S. retail industry that the movies didn’t open Thanksgiving weekend, because given a choice between “New Moon” and “Blind Side,” I imagine a lot of men would say, “Honey, why don’t we go shopping?”

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Stanford lost the “Big Game” in football to Cal, which means that the Bears get to keep the symbol of their rivalry – “the Axe – for another year. But the Cardinal next week has a chance to help ax Charlie Weis.

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Apparently fewer Americans will be travelling home for Thanksgiving by air this year. Of course, on Northwest some of them will waive to their homes as they fly by.

No word also on how many Americans will spend the holidays waiting on the tarmac with JetBlue.

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Approaching turkey time…

Posted November 22, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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As we approach the holiday season, one tradition around the U.S. is a contest to find the biggest Thanksgiving turkey. So far it seems to be between the Packers-Lions and Raiders-Cowboys.

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In the meantime, today brings us a matchup between the 1-8 Browns and the 1-8 Lions. How bad is it likely to be? Not only is the game blacked out locally, the Navy can’t show it to the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, for fear of violating the Geneva Convention.

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FIFA has refused to overturn France’s controversial win over Ireland. Does that mean they basically handed France the World Cup berth?

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LSU lost a critical game to Ole Miss when they forgot to call a timeout with less than 30 seconds left in the game. While the Tigers aren’t known for their high academic standards, maybe it would be a good idea to teach the players to count to 26.

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But over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line. With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts. And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for a game winning touchdown.

Even Bill Belichick said “What were they THINKING?”

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And in the NFL….

Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000 for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries. After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official. And of course Titans’ Bud Adam’s $250,000 fine for giving the finger to Bills fans.

Can’t imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn’t take the health of their players seriously.

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The big political news Saturday was the Senate actually voting 60-40 to open debate on the healthcare bill. Which is being considered a major accomplishment. Not passing the bill, simply managing to get the votes to DISCUSS it. And they wonder why most Americans don’t have much faith in Congress.

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finally, from Alex Kaseberg, a wonderfully tacky close:

“Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but isn’t doing the “Full Monty.” That means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.

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Go Cardinal.

Posted November 21, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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On the eve of the Big Game with Stanford, Cal students took over a classroom building to protest tuition fee hikes. No football players, however, were involved. Not that any of them know where a classroom building is….

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Actually, as big as “Big Game” is for Stanford, next week’s matchup with Notre Dame could be even more interesting. Especially since Charlie Weis may have his job on the line. Let’s see, the Fighting Irish in the midst of a disappointing season, all that tradition and hard-core alums, and a coach who could get fired if they lose. Can’t imagine what the Stanford band will come up with for a halftime show….

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And maybe after the Stanford-Cal game, the media will finally stop talking about Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s decision to go for two with a 27 point lead last week against USC. Personally, while Harbaugh has come up with all sorts of excuses on the subject, I would have preferred the Woody Hayes answer. When asked once why he went for two with a 36 (yes 36) point lead against Michigan, he responded “Because I couldn’t go for three.”

(note, this might be the only time EVER I write something positive about the late Woody Hayes.)

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Correcting the spread: As noted earlier this week in this blog. The University of Florida, as part of their usual yearly effort to play a schedule worthy of a BCS champion, has scheduled Florida International University this weekend. The spread was 41 1/2. Six touchdowns. But Vegas has decided that was unrealistic. The spread is now 45.

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Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum won the Cy Young with only 15 wins, despite a 2.48 ERA. Since voters decided not to punish him for the team’s anemic offense. Asked about trying to sign a “big bat,” San Francisco GM Brian Sabean said they probably wouldn’t go for one of the top, but that there was a “good crop of second-tier free agents” out there. Translation, next year Lincecum could win another award with a 2.20 ERA and 13 wins.
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“New Moon,” the second movie in the “Twilight Saga,” is opening this weekend. For all those who didn’t believe it would be possible to write worse dialogue than the “Star Wars Trilogy.”

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Give the “Twilight” phenonomen some credit. The movies are making many parents think back nostalgically to the days of “Barney the Dinosaur.”

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Customs officers seized a shipment of 316,000 bongs disguised as Christmas ornaments at Los Angeles harbor. In related news, shares of Krispy Kreme stock just dropped 10 percent.

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High strikes and misdemeanors.

Posted November 20, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

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Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.

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Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.

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(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

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Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

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Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.
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Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”

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Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?

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USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

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The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.
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Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”

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There’s drinking in college, I’m shocked, shocked…

Posted November 19, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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A new study in the Journal of American College Health found that 41.5% of college students who live in co-ed dorms drink excessively on a regular basis. The other 58.5% in the survey thought “excessive drinking” is an oxymoron.

Of course, when they tried to do the same study in single sex fraternity houses, most of the guys were too drunk to answer.

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President Obama says he hasn’t seen Sarah Palin’s new book yet. But he thinks he may get a take a look after Sasha and Melia finish coloring it.

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You can tell the NFL season is heating up, the first coach – Dick Jauron of the Bills – has been fired, commentators are already talking about the playoff picture, and Sports Illustrated is already speculating about whether Brett Favre will or will not retire after this year…

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France qualified for their fourth consecutive World Cup on a missed call against Ireland. They won 2-1, but the winning goal was scored on a “hand ball” that the referee didn’t apparently see. Who was in charge of officiating anyway, the SEC?

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The Oakland Raiders for now have benched Jamarcus Russell and given their starting quarterback job to Bruce Gradkowski. Coach Tom Cable’s hope is that this will turn their fortunes around. But considering their overall lineup, this will probably work about as well as NBC moving Jay Leno to 10pm.

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The NBA New Jersey Nets are 0-12. Yes, that’s right – 0-12. This is as embarrassing as anyone on the team can remember. Other than admitting they’re from New Jersey.
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A new academic study reported in the Toronto Star says “that gut-wrenching fear of defeat and outright despair are what make sporting events truly enjoyable for those watching.” Well, if true, that means that Wrigley Field has just overtaken Disneyland as the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Bud Selig said that next year Major League Baseball will try to have less off-days between playoff games. Translation, Fox has decided the World Series going into November hurts their fall schedule.

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German filmmaker Gunter Wallraff is under heavy criticism for donning blackface to investigate the plight of blacks in Germany. Bill Littlejohn was shocked—there are blacks in Germany?”

The biggest problem Wallraff apparently faced during filming, everyone who met him kept calling him “Mr President.”

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Will the last Golden State Warrior to leave Oracle Arena turn out the lights?

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Sarah, we – and the McCain staff – hardly knew ye…

Posted November 18, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Sarah Palin gave a lengthy interview to Oprah this week. No official comment on Oprah’s reaction, but one has to think she wondered “Where’s that guy whose shoulder I cried on when I REALLY need him?”

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Palin is now complaining that a Newsweek cover picture, showing her wearing a long-sleeved shirt and short-shorts, is “sexist.” The picture was taken for a photo spread in a running magazine. Maybe Newsweek isn’t paying her anything near like what Levi is getting.

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But one question, if Hillary Clinton had also posed in short-shorts for a magazine article on physical fitness, think only one other publication would have picked up the photo? For that matter Dick Cheney? (Although as a visual person I REALLY want both those last images out of my head.)

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Sarah Palin has been complaining about Levi Johnston running around the country with media appearances and neglecting his responsibilities as a father. Fair enough, but aren’t Sarah’s daughter’s Willow and Piper, who are with her on HER media tour, supposed to be in school now? (And no one ever sees Palin with her youngest son.)

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Sarah Palin said in a television interview that President Obama’s Nobel Prize was “premature.” And Palin should know about premature. Fortunately, her oldest son Track was healthy, despite being born only 7 1/2 months after Sarah and her husband Todd eloped.

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Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after his team’s win. By that standard they could balance the budget in Washington just by fining Redskins fans for the gestures they make to their own team.

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The BCS defends always picking SEC teams for the Championship games due to their “strength of schedule.” Ladies and gentleman, I bring you this week’s opponents for Florida and Alabama respectively – Florida International University and Chattanooga. Guess University of Phoenix wasn’t available.

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Hard luck Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke won the American League Cy Young, despite having only 16 wins to go with his 2.14 ERA. Not to worry, however, someday he will probably win 20 with a higher ERA. When he signs with the Yankees.

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I don’t often write “girl humor” but the next might qualify.

A British woman claims to have 300 orgasms a day. Women around the world want to know which chocolate company she works for.

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And lastly, for anyone who thinks THEY have a busy life. This paragraph from Tom Fitzgerald’s story in the SF Chronicle on Stanford football star Toby Gerhardt’s light academic quarter…

“The standard course load at Stanford is 15 credits. This quarter, Gerhart is taking 21. Then he’ll be three courses from his degree in management sciences and engineering. He’s taking investment science, integral calculus, introduction to optimization (engineering), prehistoric archaeology and high-technology entrepreneurship.”

Oh, and next quarter, besides classes, he can go back to his other “hobby” – being a starting outfielder on the Stanford baseball team. (His freshman year he hit a home run in the College World Series.)

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