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All wet.

January 6, 2016

It’s just one storm series. Still a bit odd when you live in California and the newspaper story about the state still being in a drought is hard to read — because the paper got soaked clear through the plastic this morning.

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The NFL is reportedly looking for 500 volunteers to help assembly the half-time stage for the Super Bowl. They expect the time commitment to be at least 33 hours counting rehearsals, and no, a game ticket is not included. But hey, if you’ve started out the New Year in a charitable mood. The league IS a nonprofit…. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

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The Rams in their NFL relocation bid to return to Los Angeles do some serious St. Louis bashing. Well, this ought to be fun when the Dodgers come to Busch Stadium this year to play the Cardinals.

 

 

#‎KenGriffeyJr‬ was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with 99.3% of the vote. So would the .7% (3 voters)  like to explain their reasons?

 

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Meanwhile, Mike Piazza. who admitted taking at least “andro,”  proved that the writers think that a “good” guy with PEDs beats a “bad” guy with PED’s?

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Ammon Bundy, the Oregon militia leader, says he is “following directions from God.” And God says, “Don’t blame me, I have nothing to do with this a**hole.”

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Sean Payton says he is staying in New Orleans, “I can’t imagine me ever coaching another team.” So guess it’s “the Devil and Saints you know.

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Some skepticism on North Korea’s alleged H-bomb test, even though it allegedly caused seismic activity. Maybe the earthquake was caused by Kim Jong Il throwing a temper tantrum?

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Libertarian Gary Johnson said today he is running again for President in 2016. Not that he has a chance, but no doubt Johnson is already outpolling at least 2-3 GOP candidates.

 

Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas just tweeted “Congrats Alex Gordon, with your new contract you’ll save about $1.8 million by living in KS instead of CA.”
Right, and then most winters Gordon can spend much of that $1.8 million getting out of Kansas. (And the Royals DO play in Missouri.)

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Macy’s says they will eliminate more than 4,500 jobs. And then presumably they will have a “One Day Layoff Sale?”

 

An 8-year-old girl is recovering in the hospital after she fell off a ski lift at Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe. The girl apparently was not using the chair’s safety-restraint bar. Sure hope her parents don’t decide to sue for the resort not making her use the bar….

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Joe Biden says of his decision not to run for President in 2016. “I regret it every day.” I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Twitter may be expanding their tweets from 140 to 10,000 characters.

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On their 62nd try, Congress passed a repeal of the Affordable Care Act and sent it to the President to veto. So now they can return to attacking Obama for, amongst other things, wasting taxpayer money.

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From my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg  – Steve Harvey would like to personally congratulate Jose Canseco on his selection to the Hall of Fame.

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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 1 Comment

Rosy feeling

January 2, 2016

#Iowa discovered today it’s a lot easier to tip a cow than ‪#‎McCaffery ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

 

#‎Pac12‬ would be perfect in bowl games if weren’t for those underachieving schools from Southern California.

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Christian McCaffery’s older brother is a WR at Duke, his younger brother Dylan will be a senior QB in HS & has accepted a scholarship to Colorado. Youngest brother Luke was JV QB last year. Note to ‪#‎Stanford‬ and ‪#‎DavidShaw‬: Recruit him now.

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So to be a Power Five conference shouldn’t you actually have to win some bowl games? ‪#‎NotsoBig12‬

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Overhead shot of the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ in the 4th quarter. Where did all the yellow fans go? ‪#‎Iowa‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬

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So have to wonder, what did ‪#‎Iowa‬ coach tell his team at ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ halftime? ‪

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So you think there are any ‪#‎Heisman‬ voters wanting a mulligan? ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎McCaffery‬. ‪#‎Stanford‬

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Brent Musburger very disappointed in ‪#‎McCaffery‬. Christian doesn’t have a known gorgeous girlfriend who Brent can droll over. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

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Stealth bomber again shown flying over the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. So isn’t it supposed to be invisible?

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Most of college football would like to thank Jim ‪#‎Harbaugh‬ and ‪#‎Michigan‬ for standing up today against idea of ‪#‎SEC‬ dominance. ‪#‎Citrusbowl‬

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Note to Stanford grad Carly Fiorina – you’re better off panderingto Iowa with ethanol. And you’re as good at picking teams as you were at running HP. This tweet today “Love my alma mater, but rooting for a Hawkeyes win today. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬”

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Sometimes you post on social media and later it’s “What was I thinking?”

Not this time though, posted a message to a friend doing ESPN stats for the Rose Bowl  (note time and date) “Hope McCaffery wears you out looking for offensive records that he breaks smile emoticon
December 30, 2015 at 11:17am”

(not that I had the courage of my convictions enough actually to BET on the game, or the records 🙂

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Ohio State DE Joey Bosa, the likely 1st NFL draft pick was ejected in the 1st quarter of the Fiesta Bowl today for targeting. Well, heck, if he was going to be gone that fast, Bosa could have just done something more fun like missed curfew to party in Scottsdale.

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At least Bosa did prove he is NFL ready.

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Bill Cosby apparently sent out a tweet “Friends and fans, Thank You.” Not sure about ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ But certainly ‪#‎cantfixtonedeaf‬.

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Categories: football jokes, holiday jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 4 Comments

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

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The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

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Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

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The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

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Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

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Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

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Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

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Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

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“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

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Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

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So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
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Looking back

December 28, 2015

Kobe Bryant,  asked about going back in time to offer advice to himself as a rookie said “compassion & empathy.”   And presumably don’t order room service?

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The Arizona Cardinals look so good this year you have to wonder if Cuba Gooding, Jr. isn’t somehow involved. ‪#‎Showmethemoney‬ ‪#‎JerryMaguire‬

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Atlanta Falcons beat the previously undefeated Carolina Panders  give the 72 Miami Dolphins cause to ask their kids or grandkids to open those pesky champagne bottles for them.

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So many bowls this year that are akin to participation trophies with both teams aspiring to mediocrity. By that token the 49ers-Lions match-up should be an honorary bowl game.

 

Thom Brennaman, announcing SF-Detroit today – ‘”When you make mistakes like we’ve seen the 49ers make in this game, it’s not a surprise that they’ve won four games this year.”
Well, actually you do wonder how they managed to win those four games.

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Houston beat up on Tennessee behind Brandon Weeden. How can you not root for a team led by a QB cut last month by the Dallas Cowboys? (who ended up doing SO well without him)

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Stephen Colbert said today “Donald Trump is like — I’m not the first person to say this, but I completely agree — that he’s my old character with 10 billion dollars.” Except that we could laugh at Colbert without it hurting.

 

At a Walmart this week, a woman was arrested for allegedly shooting up meth and then riding a motorized shopping car through the store while drinking wine, eating sushi, cinnamon rolls and rotisserie chicken. Do I even have to say “Florida?”

And of course, to be fair, Walmart sushi might be more dangerous than the meth.

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A Louisville mall had to close early last night because of almost 2,000 disorderly teens wreaking havoc in the shopping center. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬

 

A Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to Denver tonight was diverted to Oakland Sunday evening after they had “pressurization issues.” So which airline will be the first to add a “pressurization” fee?

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“The Force Awakens” has passed $1 billion at the global box office. And Disney is now researching ways to help Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher live to be at least 100. ‪#‎Episode27‬?

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Donald Trump today is accusing Bill Clinton of sexism. And both the pot and kettle are doubled over in hysterics.

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Supposedly Hillary and Bill Clinton joined Chelsea, her husband Marc and baby Charlotte on a walk around mid-town Manhattan today and even stopped in a bookstore. Unbelievable, as if in mid-town Manhattan any bookstore could still exist and afford the rent

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Finally.  Seriously.  Damn, R.I.P. Dave Henderson, 57. Impossible to dislike, even when he played for a team you hated. Going to be a lot livelier during those softball games in heaven.

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, holiday jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 3 Comments

Holiday cheer hangover?

December 27, 2015

Apparently the 3rd biggest Kickstarter Campaign of 2015 was a card game called “Exploding Kittens.” For all those who find “Cards Against Humanity” just a little too PC?

 

A new Al Jazeera report names several prominent athletes including Peyton Manning, Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman as having received HGH. Thinking again it’s about time to put a big asterisk outside the Hall of Fame(s) and be done with it.

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In Texas, three grocery stores, including local chain H.E.B., Whole Foods and Safeway, have said they will opt out of the state’s new open-carry law, which takes effect Jan 1. So folks who like to police their fellow shoppers will just have to find another way to enforce that “15 items or less” rule.

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At LaGuardia Airport, after reports of smoke coming from a Spirit Airlines aircraft, more than 200 passengers were evacuated without injury. Even though many disobeyed flight attendant instructions to leave their carry-on bags on the plane.
How foolish, leaving aside the safety issues no doubt Spirit would have charged them another fee to bring the bags back on board.

 

The Philadelphia Eagles not only gave away the game tonight with all their penalties and turnovers, they probably took away a potential  classic great Internet meme featuring the Kirk Cousins “knee doesn’t quite equal spike” play.

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Groupon is offering a deal for half price on two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So you can get a head star on breaking your New Year’s resolutions.

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Cellphones do allow us to do many things easier and more quickly, including qualifying for Darwin awards: In San Diego a man who was looking at his phone on Christmas Day just walked off a cliff. Literally. Hope the guy’s friends and family kept the receipts for his presents. ‪#‎bustohell‬

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FSU senior QB Everett Golson, who transfered after last season from Notre Dame, and then got demoted mid-season, did not travel with the team to Atlanta for the Peach Bowl for “personal reasons.”
Just guessing that the reasons involve Golson not starting?

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Snow. Lots of snow. At ‪#‎Sunbowl‬ in El Paso, Texas. Cue the hell freezing over comments.

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Duke-Indiana today in the Pinstripe Bowl. Wonder how many viewers saw the matchup, tuned in, and were disappointed when they learned it wasn’t college basketball?

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Two Cleveland Browns were arrested last night. after a traffic stop for speeding, one for DUI. one for Adderall without a prescription.. Police also found a gun in the car.  The team is both disappointed and relieved: Johnny Manziel was not involved

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Big brother Max now has a bowl win at Duke. Time for Christian McCaffery to hold up his end of the family in the Rose Bowl. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

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Nebraska and UCLA ended up in the Foster Farms Bowl at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA, while Duke and Indiana got the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium. Who knew that the Blue Devils and Hoosiers would get to spend Christmas in warm weather?

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So was ‪#‎UCLA‬‘s excuse for tonight’s ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl‬ that the weather is more like ‪#‎Nebraska‬ in December than California?

 

Donald Trump apparently spent Christmas in Palm Beach.  Makes sense, the Donald wanted to find a state to optimize his chances of not being the craziest person in the room.

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A 24 year old tourist from Pakistan is now staying at Rikers Island instead of the Sheraton Brooklyn. He got frustrated over a check-in delay and allegedly said there’s a “bomb in there” about his luggage. (There wasn’t)
If true, the guy may not be charged with terrorism, but with criminal stupidity.

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Tesla announced they are two years away from a driverless car. And BMW is three years away from a douche-bag-less car.”

Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 1 Comment

Can’t tell anything without a score card?

December 19, 2015

The College Bowl season starts this Saturday. And if you can name more than one of the first weekend’s games, you might have WAY too much time on your hands.

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ESPN complained during the Clippers-Spurs game about the “hack-a-Jordan” strategy, saying it was ridiculous. Of course, what might be more ridiculous is a well-paid professional athlete not learning to shoot simple free throws.

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Cool. A 74-year-old man wins $1 Million from a scratch-off lottery ticket. Would be even cooler if he’s optimistic enough to take the payout over 20 years.

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A German woman is suing Airbnb after she and her husband discovered a hidden camera in their rental unit, that they believe was being operated remotely, and recorded “personal and intimate” details. And just guessing the unit owner wasn’t giving a discount for their guests providing entertainment?

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There are claims now that Bernie Sanders aides stole Hillary Clinton’s secret voter lists. Hmm, is this how the Sanders campaign is trying to prove they are big time?

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Apple stock has fallen over 20% recently. And somewhere Steve Jobs is snickering “No one person is indispensable my ass.”

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Martin Shkreli, the price-gouging CEO who was arrested yesterday on securities fraud, was released on $5 million bond, and tweeted “Glad to be home, thanks for the support? “Support?” Sounds like not only is Shkreli an asshole, he’s delusional as well.

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NM Governor Susana Martinez says she “regrets the way the situation was handled” after she called 911 at 1:30a after a noise complaint was made against a party in her room at a Santa Fe hotel and told police to “call them off.”
The police recording says that someone called the hotel front desk about a loud party and said guests were throwing bottles off of a balcony. (The Gov. says it was just snowballs.)
Martinez has been mentioned as a possible V.P. candidate. Well, I suppose this might help with the GOP’s stodgy reputation.

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We interrupt the usual picking on other states for a California item of ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬: Downtown Los Altos, two young men on skateboards, with Safeway bags in one hand, drinks in another, skateboarding down the middle of the street. In the dark. So maybe they thought getting Darwin awards would get them out of needing to buy Christmas presents?

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On the O’Reilly Factor, a spokeswoman for Donald Trump asked what the point of having nuclear weapons is if the United States is “afraid” to use them. Of course by the same “afraid to use them” logic she might have asked what the point is of several of the GOP candidates having brains…

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A San Jose elementary school had a decades-old field trip tradition of having kindergarten child deliver letters to Santa at a local coffee shop. Then a Jewish mom, who said she was “not anti-Christmas but wanted other religions to be represented,” wrote a four-page letter and asked that the trip be canceled. And the school agreed.
Some parents are protesting by taking their kids out of school and doing the visit themselves. But come on, you want other religions represented, fine, volunteer to bring Hannakuh cookies and talk about the holiday. Or whatever. But can we just LIGHTEN UP?

Categories: football jokes, Uncategorized
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Business as usual

November 22, 2015

Statisticians everywhere would like to thank the Washington Redskins today for so beautifully illustrating for the lay person the concept of “regression to the mean.”

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Rob Ryan, on NFL Network, discussing his firing by the Saints: “Everything in New Orleans is being blamed on me, including Katrina,” Who knew it was possible to make brother Rex look like the classy one?

 

In the midst of a year with plenty of controversy over officiating, Roger Goodell says that the NFL is considering mixing and matching crews on a weekly basis to reduce inconsistencies. Well, it’s a shame the league doesn’t make enough money to hire full time officials.

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In Madison, Badgers fans were reportedly throwing snowballs at the team’s cheerleaders during their game against Northwestern. Can only imagine what fans were throwing at the refs, after two potential last-minute game-winning Wisconsin TD’s were overturned.

 

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, making a distinction between DFS  (like Draft Kings) and year long fantasy football – “We love people who are going to engage in the game and have fun with it. It’s not about making money. It’s about enjoying the game and enjoying the team, enjoying the players you pick.”
Wow, and Goodell said this with a straight face.

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Cal’s Jared Goff is projected as probably the first QB who will be taken in this year’s NFL draft. And as far as getting that top pick – the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers are doing their best to ensure Goff will probably stay in California.

 

Marco Rubio has released his first nationwide campaign ad, in which he says – “What happened in Paris could happen here. There is no middle ground.” Sigh. I guess we can kiss “shining city on the hill” and “kindler gentler nation” goodbye.

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Three flights in the US and Canada this week were diverted over suspicious behavior and bomb threats. Waiting to see which airline is the first to turn this heightened security into a new fee.

 

 

Anyone but me still a bit getting used to seeing the Cincinnati Bengals leading their division in anything but arrests? ‪

 

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Donald Trump retweeted a graphic showing crime statistics on killings of whites and blacks that was simply flat out wrong, for example, it said 81% of whiles are killed by blacks, when the FBI numbers are 15%, and that blacks killed by whites were 2%, when the numbers are 7%. But really, why should the Donald start caring about facts now?

 

Rush Limbaugh said on “Fox News Sunday” that Ben Carson was “probably not” qualified to be president. “Probably?”

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On United.com,  United Airlines has a “Thanksgiving Week” travel notice – “Please allow extra time at the airport.” Really? What was their first clue?

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T.C. Chong, with a bus-to-hell Thanksgiving week thought,  “Why are there no important shopping days named “Yellow Friday” or “Indian Friday” or “Caucasian Friday”?

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On a lighter note, how can you not love the Belgians?   http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/22/national-emergency-belgians-respond-with-cats

Categories: football jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
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