Archive for January 2011

Even if we weren’t quite ready for some football…

January 11, 2011

In some ways sports seems trivial after the awful shootings in Arizona Saturday.

On the other hand, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win.   So, ever onward.

Apparently tickets to the BCS championship are selling for $2000 and up. Curiously enough, for $2000 a fan could probably purchase a ticket to every single one of the other 34 bowl games, and have money left over.

Glendale police say eight people have been arrested for selling fake tickets to Monday’s BCS Championship game between Auburn and Oregon. Apparently all eight have protested “but we got the tickets from our fathers.”

The NCAA says a major reason not to have a college playoff system is that it would keep those players away from their studies for an extra few weeks. Right, as opposed to now where I am SURE players from Auburn and Oregon have been focused on school for the last month.

Open note to football fans in Washington D.C. hoping to root for a decent team: Take a page from the airports, and start referring to them as the BWI Ravens.

The Jets had a nearly 10 minute touchdown drive in their playoff game against the Colts.    Just how long was the drive?   By the time it was over,  Brett Favre had unretired and retired three times.

Kansas City fans were hoping that they would have a few more weekends of watching their Chiefs play football this year.

Today quoth the Ravens,  “nevermore.”

Will a documentary on the life of new Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar be titled “True Spit?”

Nick Coombs sent in this: TLC announced they will not renew “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for a second season. It’s for the best though, she probably would have resigned midway through the season anyways.

But really, TLC is the network that ran five season of Jon and Kate plus 8.  So how bad do you have to be to be cancelled after one year…?

No more target practice:

January 9, 2011

 

The jokes will be back in the next post.  For now…some random thoughts about Saturday’s horror.

Sarah Palin’s  target site has been taken down….. will the rhetoric be next?   One can only hope.

For the first truly bi-partisan resolution of the new Congress, may I suggest a commitment to civil discourse, and a request for partisans on both sides to turn down the hate speech?

And yes, anyone who reads this blog regularly or at all probably has figured out I am on the left side of the middle.  But this is not just a left-right issue.

I am a huge fan of free speech.  And listening to incendiary talk, whether it’s on radio, television, on the internet, or in person, doesn’t incite most people to violence.    But “most”  just  isn’t good enough, or safe enough.  Because it doesn’t take many crazies to do a whole lot of damage.

And while free speech is not quite like video games and movies that can be regulated, maybe it’s time for a little self-censorship.  Or restraint.  Or simply deciding that it’s okay to agree to disagree and still act like grownups.   (Another example, saying a certain NFL quarterback should be executed really isn’t helping animal rights.)

You’d think the NRA would be one of the groups most out in front on rejecting hate speech.  After all, it’s their “product” that seems to be the favorite tool of the crazies.    And anyone who decides to promote their cause with a gun, whether that cause is anti-government, anti-choice, OR for that matter,  anti-financial institution or anti-animal research,  isn’t helping that cause.

An interesting sidelight to a very sad story. While she is pro-choice, pro-solar energy, and voted for Obama’s healthcare reform, Congresswoman Giffords herself is a gunowner and a strong supporter of the second amendment.

Finally, this statement by Senator John McCain reminds me of why I used to really admire the man, even when I disagreed with his politics: “Whoever did this; whatever their reason, they are a disgrace to Arizona, this country and the human race, and they deserve and will receive the contempt of all decent people and the strongest punishment of the law.”

Friday groaners…

January 8, 2011

 Times are tough all over. The city of Amsterdam has decided that licensed prostitutes must start paying taxes based on the number of clients they have each day. I guess they’re calling it a pole tax? 

John Boehner, the most orange man in America, has said in an interview that he has “never been in a tanning bed or used a tanning product.”  Could it be he just doesn’t want to admit he is stupid enough to spend that much time in the sun?  Who knows?  This appears to be one of those “Don’t Bask, Don’t Tell” situations.

Texas A & M was routed 41 to 24 today by LSU in the Cotton Bowl, in a game that wasn’t that close.   Is it a rule that teams from Texas have to suck in Cowboys Stadium?

A  friend of John Edwards’ says the former Senator is NOT engaged to marry Rielle Hunter. And that he has no plans to remarry. Especially since in this country John wouldn’t be allowed to marry his true love – himself.

(slightly R rated comment from Alex Kaseberg –  “Edwards should marry himself, its not like he hasn’t been told to go eff himself.”)

 While Auburn had been ranked 4th in the country for football players’ academic achievement, the NCAA now announced that due to the discovery of some “loopholes” by the NY Times, the Tigers are actually 85th out of 120 major college teams. Guess Auburn shouldn’t have put the teams’ math majors in charge of reporting statistics.

Basketball star Enes Kanter, 18, was declared permanently ineligible to play in college by the NCAA, for receiving over $30,000 in benefits while playing for a Turkish team. No doubt this will be a lesson to other talented young men who choose to play abroad – “Just pay my dad, okay?”

The NFL is debuting a new overtime rule for the postseason. (Basically, you can’t win on the first possession of OT by kicking a field goal, the other team must then have possession at least once.) Fortunately the Redskins and Donovan McNabb are nowhere near the playoffs.

Harbaugh bidding wars – “The Decision, The Sequel?”

January 7, 2011

Actually,however this turns out, the drama with Jim Harbaugh is considerably more interesting than “the Decision.”

But okay, here’s my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result – a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.

Meanwhile, this year, guess Andrew Luck decided another year of college WAS something that could be fina’ than to be in Carolina….-

 The Miami Dolphins, presumably impressed by Stanford’s Orange Bowl performance,  reportedly offered coach Jim Harbaugh $7 million a year. Unfortunately most teams in the AFC South aren’t quite as easy to beat as Virginia Tech. Teams in the NFC West, maybe.

 SF 49ers owner Jed York said he was going to do a “global” search for an experienced GM, and ended up almost immediately going down the hall for V.P. of Player Personnel Trent Baalke. But give the guy a break, he worked at least as hard on the search as O.J. did on his for the real killer.

Figure skater Johnny Weir has announced in his autobiography that he is gay. Not to dismiss his courageous decision, but wouldn’t it be bigger news if a male figure skater announced he WASN’T gay?

Dulles Airport was basically closed today for two hours while airport police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be harmless. So where are all those high-tech X-Ray machines when they really need them?

Edgar Renteria has signed with the Cincinnati Reds. Based on their 2010 postseason performance it seems clear that Edgar decided he was just tired of all that World Series pressure.

Despite his previous opposition to DADT repeal, John McCain now says he will act “to make it work.” This could be a sign of his fundamental practicality, or that as a good military man he believes in following laws, even when he disagrees with them. Or that at his age, John just doesn’t remember voting against it.

After winning the World Junior Championships, The Russian junior players were booted off their flight home as it was deemed they were too intoxicated and were declared a safety threat.  In their defense, the players said they were in training to become pilots.

Augie comments about the story that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter may be engaged:   Surprised he’s not registered at Crate and Barrel.  Since most women would want to put him in one or the other.

The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger.

Michele Bachmann has been appointed to serve on the House Intelligence Committee. What’s next, Sarah Palin on the board of PETA?

Not that Brett Favre doesn’t appear to be a grade-A scumbag where women are concerned. But I do have one question for Jenn Sterger. If he was being THAT offensive, why didn’t you just call the phone company and have them block calls from his number?               
.                                        

.

Regarding those Southwest commercials attacking other airlines for their change fees:, I agree that it’s nice that the airline doesn’t charge change fees per se. But what they don’t mention, if you are on a discount ticket and want to standby on an earlier flight, you have to pay the difference between your fare and the full fare, even if the earlier flight has empty seats.

Who’s crying now?

January 6, 2011

Wednesday,  January 5 was a historic day. Following the first female Speaker of the House, we now have a Speaker who is part Oompha Loompha.

And now that John Boehner is Speaker, will Congress’s theme song be “Who’s crying now?”

There are rumors that John Edwards is now engaged to marry the mother of his illegitimate daughter, Rielle Hunter. The couple is registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond all Common Decency.”

The outdoor NHL Winter Classic between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals achieved the NHL’s highest regular season television ratings, despite the game being delayed due to unseasonably warm temperatures.. Maybe if the NHL wants to guarantee winter weather for outdoor games they should play the game in July at Candlestick Park.

Actually, if outdoor games bring higher ratings, maybe the NHL should just take the roofs off of all their arenas.

Michigan fired their coach, Michigan State was absolutely humiliated in the Capital One by Alabama. Who’d a thunk it, the most optimistic football fans in Michigan these days root for the Detroit Lions?

The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their “$100 billion in cuts” pledge wasn’t really a promise but a “hypothetical number.” So congratulations to everyone who had “less than 24 hours” in the pool.

Dick Cheney, 69, is apparently deciding about seeking a heart transplant as when he turns 70 he will be too old to qualify. Where’s a good death panel when you need one?

A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking.   

Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item.

Almost bowled over….

January 5, 2011

With apologies to Chicago – Does anybody really know what bowl this is…. does anybody really care?

And there have been some good games. But for fans without a connection to the schools involved, many of these bowls have all the drama and interest of division rivalries between the NFC West.

Terrelle Pryor was named the MVP of the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Think officials figured out how to put a tracking device on that trophy?

Actually, there are rumors that Pryor and his to-be-suspended OSU teammates may star in an off-season reality show  – Bowling for Dollars.

The story switches hourly but now it seems like Jim Harbaugh is heading to the 49ers. Which means he might be the first college coach to switch to the pros and take a step down with his quarterback.

On the other hand Harbaugh isn’t that much older than Brett Favre?  Maybe the 49ers want him to be a player coach.

Earlier today there was the rumor of Harbaugh to the Raiders? With all due respect, entering into a business relationship with the 81 year old Al Davis at this point seems about as likely for long-time success as marrying Hugh Hefner.

Tough luck for Tom Cable. His greatest problem as a coach this year? Not being in the NFC West.

Meanwhile, back in Ann Arbor, the word out of Michigan is that Rich Rodriguez is fired, no he’s not fired, maybe he is fired, maybe he’s not. Not sure who’ll be coaching the team next year but wonder how long it will take for them to offer a job to new quarterbacks coach Brett Favre.

And okay, I admit, I hate Notre Dame. But listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford’s quarterback we should all be glad he didn’t go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase “Luck of the Irish?”

Panthers owner Jerry Richardson says negotiations between the NFL and the unions are not going well. But they could still settle in time to play the 2011 season, so Carolina fans shouldn’t get too optimistic.

Snooki has written a book.  Putting her in that exclusive fraternity with folks like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, who wrote a book before they read one.. 

From Bill Littlejohn:  There is now a video game in which you can play a round of golf at Augusta National Golf Club.If you log in that you’re a woman, the game includes angry stares and catcalls from club members”

Orange you glad….?

January 4, 2011

If you bet Stanford in the Orange Bowl.  Fuzzy picture of trophy ceremony below.

Virginia Tech fans generally left after the third quarter. Guess they no longer had a dog in the fight.

The score was 13-12 at halftime.   I want a copy of whatever speech Harbaugh gave Stanford at halftime.

Maroon and orange? Did Virginia Tech forgot to show up for college color picking day and end up with the leftovers?

An anonymous friend asks – “what is a Hokie?”  It might be the card you use to open the door of the motel room you rent by the hour?

After the game, QB Andrew Luck and coach Jim Harbaugh lobbed Oranges at the other players during the trophy presentation.  Good thing Stanford wasn’t in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl or the Hyundai Sun Bowl.

ESPN.com headline:  Lakers have issues to address. With all due respect, that’s been true for a while. But now they have issues to address on the court.

Inspired by a  joke from Patrick Wyatt:

The difference between the Big Ten and cornflakes? Cornflakes don’t fall apart as soon as they get in a bowl.

If Harbaugh wants the NFL then he should try the 49ers job. If he wants to stay in college, what’s the point of moving? He’s proven he can recruit a top 10 class where he is. And besides, at Stanford when they give the concussion test – “How many fingers am I holding up?” – the response isn’t “Ah, coach, I’m not great at math.”

Two massage therapists are now also claiming they were harrassed by Brett Favre.  Will it never end?  Let’s hope neither of them refers to him as a “crazed sex poodle.”

How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

January 3, 2011

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

Big Ten and out?

January 2, 2011

 Lebron James says he doesn’t know yet if he will participate in the NBA’s All Star Game slam dunk contest. I guess he’s waiting for ESPN to offer him at least a half hour time-slot to announce his decision.

The only good news for the Big 10 on New Year’s Day? None of their teams qualified for the Fiesta Bowl.

Forget “Leaders” and “Legends” for the two new Big 10 divisions.  After today more appropriate names might be “Bad” and “Worse.”

Fortunately for Big Ten fans there are no more bowl games this year except for Arkansas-OSU on Tuesday. In the meantime, however, true connoisseurs of really bad meaningful football games can tune into the Rams-Seahawks on Sunday.

But really, is there something in the Big Ten football charter that says there’s something wrong with actually showing up on New Year’s Day? (My friend Jerry Perisho is beginning to wonder if these teams are playing their junior varsity?)

That music you hear coming from the sky today at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville is Don Meredith singing to Rich Rodriguez, “turn out the lights, the party’s over.”

Although in the Rose Bowl, TCU was completely unable to stop the Wisconsin running game in the past few minutes. So the Badgers were able to march down the field and score a touchdown to pull within 21-19.  And for the two-point conversion, the Badgers THREW THE BALL?  (incomplete)

Somewhere Woody Hayes is pinwheeling in his grave.

Since Times Square officials nixed her planned ball drop, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” celebrated New Year’s Eve by being dropped in a ball in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Apparently this was made possible by Snooki’s local fame, the cooperation of local officials, and the fact New Jersey has no real littering laws.

Newly hired head coach Mike Haywood has been fired from the University of Pittsburgh job, after he was arrested and charged with domestic violence.

Guess his tenure will go down in history along with the George O’Leary era at Notre Dame.

According to Entertainment Weekly, 20th Century Fox has vetoed a proposed script for the planned “24” movie. But Kiefer Sutherland is still hoping to work things out with prospective producers. The meeting would take place between 1:00 and 2:00pm.

Apparently Jon Huntsman, Obama’s ambassador to China and the former Governor of Utah, is considering a run for president in 2012. Since Mitt Rommey has already basically declared, political junkies can look forward to a rare but potentially amusing occurence – Mormon smackdown.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is all about cost-cutting and reducing government spending. So what happens when his state gets covered in snow? When he gets back from a family trip to Disney World Christie asks for money from FEMA to help cover storm cleanup costs.

Goodbye 2010….

January 1, 2011

Happy 2011. We can only imagine, what public figures will contribute to our amusement in the next twelve months? Seriously, on New Year’s Eve 2009-10, could anyone have imagined just how much fun we would have with Tiger Woods, Brett Favre and Lebron James? And no one had even HEARD of Christine O’Donnell.

Earlier this week, Michigan QB Tate Forcier gave an interview to the Detroit Free Press, saying “I’ve never been the greatest student.” But, he added “you really have to try to flunk out here. All you have to do is go to class, it’s not that hard.” This morning Forcier was declared academically ineligible.

Tennessee lost to North Carolina, Georgia lost to the University of Central Florida, and South Carolina is losing 13-3 at halftime to Florida State after four turnovers. Maybe we should rename the SEC the SOC – Southern Overrated Conference?

Or possibly the “Swollen Egos Conference?”

Part of the pre-game tradition at the Chik-Fil-A bowl is parachuting cows. Is this a great country or what?

Georgia’s bulldog mascot UGA VIII missed the trip to the Liberty Bowl with a “gastro-intestinal” decision. Or maybe he was just sick at the thought of watching the now 6-7 Bulldogs play ANOTHER lousy game. (They lost to UCF 10-6)

And congrats again to the Stanford women for ending UConn’s 90 game basketball winning streak. Wonder if President Obama called coach Tara Vanderveer to congratulate her.  And wonder if Tara asked if Obama’s lovely, smart, and at least 5’9″ 12 year old daughter might be interested in a casual visit to Palo Alto?

The above is Malia in November standing next to her 6’2″” dad.

And this thought, not originally mine but I don’t remember where I heard it. The ultimate New Year’s Eve toast….may your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

Finally a thought for the “Hope Springs Eternal” crowd.  So, the Saints were a great story, but a year ago at this time they did have one of the best records in the NFL.   How many people on New Year’s Eve 2010 said, “okay, this is it, this is the year the San Francisco Giants win it all?