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Squirrel power:

October 15, 2011

Although really, the only thing squirrely about Friday night’s game in St. Louis was Milwaukee’s fielding.

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Open note to SF Giants management: In 2012, install squirrels at A T & T Park. Or heck, put a salt water pool in center field and install a real sea lion. Cute mammals seem to help.

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Good news in Milwaukee is that the Brewers may auction off their game six gloves for charity. The gloves should get good prices considering they weren’t really used.

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Boston Red Sox owner John Henry said it was “sad” to lose both Terry Francona and Theo Epstein at the same time. “Sad?” Maybe. The word I would use is “Pathetic.”

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Steve Wozniak was apparently the first person in line to buy a new iPhone 4s. 20 hours worth. And he said “The experience (of being in line) is deep in my heart. It’s kind of like ‘Dancing with the Stars. The fact that it’s so hard is what makes it fun. ” Anyone else think Apple’s co-founder just might have a little too much time on his hands?

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The BCS has said the Big East’s automatic bowl bid is safe through 2013. But after that they will re-evaluate. Translation at that point the committee will see if there is any way they can get two guaranteed BCS spots for SEC teams.

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TSA’s latest security idea is “Chat Downs”. Whereby officers will start asking travellers a series of probing questions about their travel plans etc. Presumably one phase of the plan will be hiring thousands of Jewish mothers.

(And of course the first question will be, okay, when was the last time you visited your mother?)

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The GOP House hired a lawyer to defend a law denying federal benefits to same-sex spouses. The attorney, Paul Clement, said “Homosexuals have a great deal of political power” and are not entitled to the safeguards that courts have established for laws that discriminate against racial minorities or women. Well, if it had been up to today’s conservatives, we wouldn’t have laws to protect minorities or women either.

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So he thinks CAMPAIGNING for President is rough? Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he “stands by his wife,” and won’t dispute his wife’s assertion he’s been “brutalized and beaten up and chewed up” in the presidential campaign. Somewhere Barack and Michelle Obama are just giggling.

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Cal lost 30-9 to USC at AT & T Park in football Thursday night. Makes sense, local teams seem to have a problem this year scoring at A T & T against professional opponents.

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Fried-day night.

September 17, 2011

As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.

Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”

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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”

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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.

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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”

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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.

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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.

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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.

Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.

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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.

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Derby time.

July 12, 2011

Open note to readers- back to back posts today because I clearly did not hit the “publish” button hard enough last night.

In any case….

So the Home Run Derby came down to Robinson Cano (Yankees), and Adrian Gonzalez (Red Sox.) New York vs. Boston. Are we sure we weren’t watching Fox’s regular Game of the Week?

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Sarah Palin may be a hockey mom, but I’m not sure she gets other sports. When asked if she had a prediction for the Home Run Derby, she apologized but said she really hadn’t kept up on what horses were running.

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In the MLB HomeRun Derby, Robinson Cano beat Adrian Gonzalez 12-11 to take the 2011 championship. As if we didn’t need another illustration of how good pitching can overcome no hitting, no player on the first-place San Francisco Giants has hit 12 home runs this YEAR. (Or 11, or 10 for that matter.)

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Meanwhile, despite being voted in by the fans,  Derek Jerek now says he is completely skipping the All-Star Game and festivities due to “physical and emotional exhaustion.” Regarding the fans who wanted to see him play, I guess as a Yankee Jeter figures, “Fine, they can just watch me in the World Series.”

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Construction crews plan to completely shut down several miles of the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles for more than two days this weekend. Which means during peak times, traffic will be moving at its usual speed.

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A Jet Blue airline crew found a stun gun in a seatback pocket while cleaning a plane in Newark Monday night. The flight had originated in Boston, but made other stops during the day. In related news, TSA said they did confiscate their daily thousand or so bottled waters.

The California Assembly passed a bill to ban the “import, production, distribution or retail sale of beer and related alcoholic beverages that have caffeine added.” The reason is because these sweet drinks are particularly popular with young people. Hope no one ever tells the kids you can mix, say, Rum and Coke.

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Newt Gingrich declined to sign the controversial 14-point “Family Leader” pledge, but would not give a reason other than it needing “across the board” changes. A Gingrich spokesman did say the marriage vow “needed to be shortened.” Yeah, as in taking out that little line about staying faithful to your spouse.

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Happy Canada Day.

July 1, 2011

Canada Day – formerly Dominion Day –  celebrates celebrating the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the British North America/Constitution Act, uniting three former British colonies into one country. 

Just think, had the Constitution Act someone included Alaska, Sarah Palin would be their problem.

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Anyone else with a mean streak really want to hear some reporter ask Palin or Bachman about the origin of Canada day?

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Canada Day is marked by fireworks around the country.  Of course some of those fires may be from Canucks fans who are still getting over the Stanley Cup playoffs.

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The travel story of the day revolves around a Nigerian man who boarded and flew on a Virgin America flight from JFK to Los Angeles without a ticket. He used a fake boarding pass (from the wrong day) and an old expired student id.

The man was caught this week, by Delta Airlines, when he tried to fly using the same tactics to Atlanta. TSA never noticed either time.

But to their credit, TSA catches those four ounce bottles of water every time.

(And can speak from personal experience, at JFK they absolutely caught, and scolded me for, a pocket-sized kleenex in my jeans. Your tax dollars at work.)

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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, which actually owned MySpace, sold the company at a $545 million dollar LOSS. And it still might not have been as bad an overall deal as when he sold the Dodgers to Frank McCourt.

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While the Los Angeles Dodgers got approval Tuesday for $150 million bankruptcy financing arrangement, it turns out some team employees’ paychecks have already bounced. And the way the Dodgers are going, anything bounced isn’t likely to be caught.

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in an experiment that may be rolled out on a larger scale, four Starbucks coffee shops in the Seattle area now sell beer and wine. It’s known internally as Operation “And You Thought Our Coffee Was Expensive.”

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If the experiment catches on, we might find out the answer to a whole new question – just how many different ways can a person order a glass of wine?  And of course, especially when that person is in front of you in line.

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According to ESPN, apparently negotiations between NFL owners and players are moving “backwards.” And “optimism is waning.” I don’t know – season ticketholders in Cincinnati and Charlotte, for example, are thinking they might waste a whole lot less money this fall.

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No NFL and no NBA this fall? We could be looking at a baby boomlet next spring and summer. And/or a possible increase in the divorce rate.

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Mark Halperin was suspended from MSNBC, after he didn’t realize he was on air this morning and referred to President Barack Obama as a “d*ck.” Considering Halperin has been accused in the past of having a liberal bias, I can only imagine what he has said off air about Palin and Bachmann. .

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From Gary Morton:  Even though the Pope used an iPad to Tweet, the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of cutting-edge technology. In fact, before this week, the only hi-tech device that the Catholic Church was familiar with is the electronic ankle monitor.

 

 

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Threat levels

January 27, 2011

The U.S. Government will be getting rid of the color coded threat-level warnings. Apparently John Boehner felt that it was racial profiling to refer to threat level “Orange.”.

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Jimmy Buffett has been hospitalized in stable condition after falling off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia. No word on what triggered the fall, maybe he was searching for his lost shaker of salt?

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127 hours” was a semi-surprise nomination for Best Picture. Let’s hope it’s also not the length of this year’s Oscar telecast.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that if there is a work stoppage he will cut his $10 million salary to $1. Of course, he didn’t add that if the owners break the Players union they will give him a $20 million bonus.

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A recent Danish study involving over 300,00 women found that having an abortion does not increase the risk of mental health problems, but having a baby does. Especially when that baby grows up to be a teenager.

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You cannot make this stuff up department: A travel client who probably flies 50,000 miles a year asked me for a nonstop flight from San Francisco to D.C. But she added, if it were cheaper, she would take a connection, as long as it departed and arrived at about the same times.

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Interior Secretary Ken Salazar was not at the State of the Union address last night, but denied rumors that saying he was planning to leave his post.  Apparently he just couldn’t get a date.

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So after all these SOTU “dates” last night, here’s the real question in Washington: which of these dates will result in a rose?

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from Marc Ragovin:  It was so refreshing to see that spirit of bipartisanship at the State of the Union. Indicted felons were sitting next to paroled felons.

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And this commie pinko quote was passed on to me by Erin Grove.

“Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is of course a tiny splinter group that believes you can do these things. …Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Who said it?  Former president Dwight David Eisenhower.

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Does being QB mean never having to say you’re sorry?

November 25, 2010

 Three days after their much publicized postgame argument,  Vince Young apparently texted an apology to coach Jeff Fisher.

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The text apparently didn’t go over well.  But really, how could you doubt  the sincerity of “OMG, @TEOTD, MY BAD, TTYL.”

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Coach Fisher is also apparently not a fan of modern technology in general.  Although he gets the basics.  When asked about Young later his alleged response – he’s GTG.

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A third straight loss for the Heat tonight. Well, we certainly know what NBA fans outside Miami are thankful for this year.

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Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won “Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Sarah Palin’s latest target, Michelle Obama: “Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, in what (they) should eat.” Uh, Sarah, about that trust thing. Have you checked out the U.S. childhood obesity stats lately? It’s about 1 in 3.

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But okay, Sarah thinks Michelle should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people’s personal business. I’m waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people’s sex lives.

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from Gary Morton:

Paterno’s alma mater, Brown, played in the 1916 Rose Bowl. It’s not true that Joe started at QB for the Bears that day – freshmen weren’t eligible to play then.

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A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it’s a good thing John Madden only travels by bus.

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Sarah Palin supporters laugh off the little gaffe she made in a radio interview, confusing North Korea with South Korea. And sure, anyone can make a mistake. But can you imagine her in the Oval Office? Red button, green button, it’s all so confusing….

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Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey.

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Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

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So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

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Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

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New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

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As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

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Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

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At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

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The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

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Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

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More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?

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Airlines, oil spills, and other insanity…

May 5, 2010

Okay, you can’t bring a 4 ounce bottle of moisturizer on a plane, but you can buy a one way cash international ticket at the last minute. Anyone else think that maybe Homeland Security has their priorities just a bit out of whack?

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Faisal Shahzad apparently studied bomb-making in Pakistan. But if he really wanted to make a major bomb he should have gone to Hollywood and studied with the directors of “Gigli.”

(or alternate punchline. Faisal went to Pakistan to learn bomb-making techniques, because he couldn’t get Kevin Costner to tell him how he made Waterworld.”)

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell stated in reaffirming his support for off-shore drilling “You know every time there is a airplane crash, we don’t say we don’t fly any airplane anymore.” True, but a single airplane crash doesn’t spread wreckage over several states, and risk destroying both fishing industries and ecosystems.

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So the Red Wings fans throw octopuses on the ice when they win. Now a San Jose Sharks fan has thrown a small shark on the ice after THEIR win. Let’s hope no rabid Boston Bruins fan hears about this.

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The Washington Nationals moved up phenom Stephen Strasburg to AAA. So he’s now as close as you can get to the big leagues without actually being there. Except of course if he were playing for the Orioles.

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The San Francisco Giants won 9-6 in 12 innings, after the bullpen blew a late lead for Tim Lincecum, 4-0, for the second time in two stars. If Lincecum loses the Cy Young, it may be less to do with his competition than with his own relief pitchers.

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Former FEMA director Michael Brown think that Obama came out in favor of oil drilling when he was secretly against it, and then let this oil spill happen so he would have an excuse to shut down future drilling. Even Richard Nixon somewhere is thinking, “man, that’s twisted.”

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The BCS, college football and other jokes.

December 29, 2009

UCLA came from behind to defeat Temple, after USC beat Boston College. Thereby changing the PAC 10 from “Putrid Around Christmastime” to “Perfect After Christmas.”

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In a recent poll, 63 percent of Americans said they wanted to institute a college football playoff system and do away with the BCS.

Amazing, didn’t realize 37 percent of Americans were SEC fans.

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Most Americans, however, did not want Congress to get involved in a college football playoff system. Probably because it would end up taking six months and costing half a trillion dollars.

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Could Janet Napolitano have sounded any sillier bragging about how “the system worked?” About the only thing missing was “TSA, you’re doing a helluva job?”

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A personal aside to the would-be bomber story, as a Caucasian woman , I get patted down just about every time I travel in my favorite long skirt… and a Nigerian guy on the “watch list” doesn’t get touched?

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The NY Giants played their last game in their own stadium, which will be torn down after the season. After their embarassing loss, many fans suggested it be torn down with the team in it.

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Jason Bay will apparently turn down many other high-paying suitors to sign with the New York Mets. Of course, the Mets offered an extra inducment beyond money – Octobers off.

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And you thought flying was fun before…

December 27, 2009

It’s possible the alleged hijacker jas an innocent defense for setting off an explosive device close to landing. Being on a Northwest plane he may have just been trying to wake up the pilots.

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The Nigerian man who allegedly tried and failed to set off an explosive device on the plane was a Mechanical Engineering major. Good thing he wasn’t Chemical Engineering.

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Airports say they will step up security after a man tried to light an explosive on a Northwest plane flying into Detroit. Let’s hope that just doesn’t mean more secondary screening of 65 year old women. Or as my friend Rich Lieberman says “85 year old nuns.”

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On international flights no one will be able to leave their seat within an hour of landing. This means on flights say from Cancun to Dallas or Cabo San Lucas to Los Angeles passengers may never be able to leave their seats. Great, just what you want after a Mexican vacation.

Next upgrade on flights from Mexico – plastic seat covers.

Or as my friend Kevin T. says “Depends.”

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Florida coach Urban Meyer is retiring for health reasons. He says his heart is fine but the stress is causing him problems. Particularly the stress of imagining coaching after Tim Tebow has graduated.

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Bill Littlejohn, on Golf Digest suspending Woods’ monthly columns: “In the meantime, Penthouse Forum wants to print them.”

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