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Sexto de Mayo? Really.

May 6, 2010

It’s a good day the Mexican holiday didn’t fall a day later, or it’s title would be “Sexto de Mayo.” And we think Americans make fools of themselves on this holiday now.

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A joint British/Italian study found that those who generally slept for less than six hours a night were 12% more likely to experience a premature death than those who consistently got six to eight hours’ sleep.

Great, one more thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

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The Philadelphia Phillies have had two fans jump onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Park in two days -despite the first fan being tasered. But even worse, fans also jumped onto the field at Camden Yards – and beat the Orioles.

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Phoenix beat the San Antonio Spurs tonight wearing their “Los Suns” jerseys to show their support for immigrants. Apparently the Washington Wizards are considering such a move for next year. But they worry “Los Wizards” jerseys might give DC area fans another reason to support deporting the entire team.

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Okay, all you baseball fans who expected Barry Zito (5 and 0, 1.49 ERA, to have the kind of comeback year he is having so far put your hands up. Now both of you liars put your hands down.

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A New York woman is suing Starbucks allegedly that they served her tea too hot. What’s next, a lawsuit allegedly that their Venti Chocolate Chip Frappuccinos are too fattening?

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Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Republicans are trying to “continue to make love to Wall Street.” GOP senators angrily denied the accusation and said that all they and Wall Street do is cuddle once in a while.
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Phoenix wore “Los Suns” jerseys tonight to show support for their Latino fans. Suppose it makes sense, how anti-immigrant can you be when your team is led by a South-African born Canadian citizen?

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Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo, former U.S. President George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He thinks it’s a particularly happy coincidence that it is always celebrated on May 5.

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The perennially powerful Red Wings have apparently hit a wall in the Stanley Cup Playoffs and are now down 3-0. Who do they think they are? The Sharks?

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Headline on AP story: NY bomb suspect seen as good recruit for militants. Let’s see, among other things, the guy built a bomb that didn’t work, didn’t get the VIN number removed correctly from the car, and used his own name in emails inquiring about buying the SUV in the first place. If he’s a “good” recruit, then Americans may be safer than we have thought.

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Tim Tebow, who has yet play a down in the pros, had the NFL’s top selling jersey in April. Which means he’s now in line to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize”

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Airlines, oil spills, and other insanity…

May 5, 2010

Okay, you can’t bring a 4 ounce bottle of moisturizer on a plane, but you can buy a one way cash international ticket at the last minute. Anyone else think that maybe Homeland Security has their priorities just a bit out of whack?

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Faisal Shahzad apparently studied bomb-making in Pakistan. But if he really wanted to make a major bomb he should have gone to Hollywood and studied with the directors of “Gigli.”

(or alternate punchline. Faisal went to Pakistan to learn bomb-making techniques, because he couldn’t get Kevin Costner to tell him how he made Waterworld.”)

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell stated in reaffirming his support for off-shore drilling “You know every time there is a airplane crash, we don’t say we don’t fly any airplane anymore.” True, but a single airplane crash doesn’t spread wreckage over several states, and risk destroying both fishing industries and ecosystems.

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So the Red Wings fans throw octopuses on the ice when they win. Now a San Jose Sharks fan has thrown a small shark on the ice after THEIR win. Let’s hope no rabid Boston Bruins fan hears about this.

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The Washington Nationals moved up phenom Stephen Strasburg to AAA. So he’s now as close as you can get to the big leagues without actually being there. Except of course if he were playing for the Orioles.

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The San Francisco Giants won 9-6 in 12 innings, after the bullpen blew a late lead for Tim Lincecum, 4-0, for the second time in two stars. If Lincecum loses the Cy Young, it may be less to do with his competition than with his own relief pitchers.

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Former FEMA director Michael Brown think that Obama came out in favor of oil drilling when he was secretly against it, and then let this oil spill happen so he would have an excuse to shut down future drilling. Even Richard Nixon somewhere is thinking, “man, that’s twisted.”

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Unpopularity contest?

May 4, 2010

Who’s going to be less popular? Any Arizona legislator at Cinco de Mayo? Or any BP executive at Mardi Gras?

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One of many soundbites of the day, Bill Kristol saying, offshore drilling is “very environmentally clean, except when there is a disaster like the spill.” Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?

(or for those who still find a JFK reference too soon. Other than that Mr. Buckner, how did you enjoy the World Series?)

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Kind of bizarre in the midst of this immigration issue, the Phoenix Suns are having an improbably good showing in the playoffs right now, led by a guy who came here first on a student visa from Canada.

(Steve Nash, for all non NBA fans.)

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According to the Alabama Press-Register, BP was circulating waivers to coastal Alabama residents that would provide them with payments up to $5000 in exchange for giving up the right to sue over the oil spill. If true, perhaps BP should change the P in their name from Petroleum to a plural noun not appropriate for a general and potentially family audience on a blog.

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A 17 year old Phillies fan was tasered when he ran onto the field. While some think that was too drastic, the police could have inflicted more severe pain – they could have driven him an hour and a half south and make him sit through a week of Orioles game.

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silly but very funny joke from Alex Kaseberg – Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah’s ark on top of Mt. Ararat. In fact, they may even have the transcript of the last comment from Noah’s wife, Nammah. She said: “Bad news, Noah, I think the male unicorn is gay.”

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Former Georgia quarterback Zach Mettenberger, who was battling for a starting job until his arrest for a incident at a bar last month, pled guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual battery.

Mettenberger, a red-shirt freshman, has been kicked off the team, but according to ESPN.com he will apparently visit Cincinnati and Louisville next month, where he could have up to three years eligibility.

Or he could go right to Pittsburgh and understudy with Ben Roethlisberger.

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Conservative David Cameron, current Labour PM Gordon Brown, and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg are all running to be the next Prime Minister of Britain. In case we in the U.S. think we have a monopoly on childish political behavior, two years ago Mr. Cameron was asked for a political joke. His reply “Nick Clegg.”

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Tiger in the Tank.

May 2, 2010

Rory McIlroy won his first PGA tournament today, at the age of 20. Just how young is that? When he was born, Tiger Woods was still trying to pickup girls in the sandbox.

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McIlroy went 5 under for the last five holes and set a course record on Sunday at Quail Hollow. Of course, with Woods missing the cut (and the televised rounds), the reaction of most Americans became “oh, was there a golf tournament this weekend?”

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In her debate with Steve Poizner, California gubernatorial Meg Whitman apologized for her poor voting record, then added “But I tell you, I’m 100 percent engaged now.” Isn’t that a bit like Tiger Woods saying he is now 100 percent committed to his family?

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Quote from runner-up Phil Mickelson “I’ve got to congratulate Rory, he played some incredible golf. He’s an amazing talent. He is some kind of player.” For some reason, no one can remember Tiger Woods saying quite the same thing upon a second place finish.

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Zack Greinke of the Kansas City Royals is 0-3 with a 2.27 ERA. This might be the worst case of non-support since Pamela Anderson put on a training bra.

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BP is running out of ideas to fix their colossal mess in the Gulf. Here’s one – put the oil slick on NBC primetime, it will be gone in no time.
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The BP oil rig disaster is dominating the headlines, to the dismay of all Americans. Well, except for those working for Goldman Sachs or Toyota.-

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A former New Orleans Saints employee is alleging Coach Sean Payton stole and used Vicodin from the team’s supply. Now why would the coach of the Saints last year need Vicodin? Coaching staff on the Redskins, Buccaneers and Lions, maybe.

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commie pinko time.

While we don’t know for sure if the 40 year old white man caught on video changing his shirt turns out to be the Times Square wannabe bomber, part of me really hopes that he was a home-grown anti-government terrorist. Because then maybe some people will start figuring out that incendiary words can have consequences.

And by the way, to any conservatives reading this, I believe incendiary words are bad coming from either side, as witness some of the responses to the immigration bill, and some statements at times from some of the anti-war crowd. And while words may not incite everyone to violence, I think it’s a dangerous political game to play.

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Cover up in Virginia?

May 2, 2010

Whatever else he does in his tenure, Ken Cuccinelli, the attorney general of Virginia, will make the state seal safe for sensitive eyes. The picture below is of the historic seal, designed in 1776, by one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence and featuring “Virtus,” the goddess of virtue. Cuccinelli is having it redesigned to show an armored breastplate covering her left breast.

Your tax dollars at work. But at least delicate sensibilities will be safe.

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Recent polls in England show that because of a reasonably tight race between Labour, the Conservatives, and the Liberal Democrats, the country could end up after the election with a “hung Parliament.” Meaning total gridlock. Which would also mean, 234 years after the revolution, we’ll have brought Britain to a U.S. style of government.

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British Prime Minister Gordon Brown may end up losing the election after a woman asked him “All these Eastern Europeans, where are they coming from?” And Brown didn’t realize his mike was on when he called her a “bigot.” This wouldn’t have happened with Former President George W. Bush. He would have just answered the question with “Eastern Europe.”

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Congrats to Super Saver, the winner of the Kentucky Derby. Assuming he wasn’t named after the discount airfares. Otherwise the winning tickets would have paid out less surcharges for a weekend bet, fuel, security, taxes….

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Who is this new Giants pitcher and what has he done with Barry Zito?

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And for that matter, what’s more surprising, that the San Francisco Giants have gotten off to a great start and are in second place? Or that they are in second place to the… San Diego Padres?

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Bill Littlejohn, on Roethlisberger’s name has been replaced with Mario Lemieux’s on a Pittsburgh Zoo display that compares the height of elephants with other creatures: “They’ve moved Ben’s to a display that compares the height of horse’s rear ends with other creatures.’’

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commie pinko stuff below :

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Goldman Sachs, Lehmann Brothers, British Petroleum. Yeah, how’s that idea of getting rid of government regulation workin’ out for ya?

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And say, anyone heard from Sarah Palin lately?

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New BP motto?

May 1, 2010

New BP motto? Spill, Baby, Spill.

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But okay, since tea-parties are so against almost any use of federal government money, wonder who will be the first to complain about the cost of sending the National Guard and Air Force to try to save the Louisiana wetlands and coastline?

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Haven’t heard much from folks screaming about government regulation this weekend either.

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Brett Favre has been told he will need surgery on his ankle to play again in 2010, But he wants to get a second opinion from a good paleontologist.

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Tiger Woods missed the cut this weekend at the Quail Hollow Championship. Scary question, what if for Woods, sex was a performance enhancing drug?

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Troubled wide-receiver Santonio Holmes, only a month after being acquired by the New York Jets, was cited by police for being a “disruptive passenger’ because he wouldn’t turn off his iPod on a flight from Newark to Pittsburgh flight. Over-under on him being arrested for at least a minor felony before the regular season starts?

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Friday ramblings…

April 30, 2010

Former President Clinton said that Chelsea asked him to do one thing for her regarding her summer wedding – which was to lose 15 pounds. Presumably her second choice request “Please don’t hit on my bridesmaids.”

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Eminem rips Pittsburgh’s wayward quarterback in his new song with the line “Get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall.” Okay, how low do you have to go to be morally chastised by a rapper?

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The San Francisco Giants were the least-hated team in baseball according to a Nielsen survey. Makes sense, they haven’t beaten anyone’s else’s favorite team in a World Series.

The Yankees, surprisingly, were not the most hated team. Which simply means the survey probably was mostly taken in New York. (With the exception of Queens)

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From Bill Littlejohn, who noted that famously hobbling Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Kerri Strug was married this week, “Bela Karolyi didn’t carry her down the aisle, did he?”

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Popular governor Charlie Crist has left the Republican party and is running for Senate as an independent. Well, it’s 10 years late, but finally some amusing news for the Democratic party out of Florida.

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United and Continental announced they will merge. The goal, to manage to annoy more passengers than any other airline in the world.
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And we think Californians are too PC. Over in England, a British academic, Dr. Brett Mills, is now calling for an end to all wildlife documentaries, because they “capture animals’ most intimate secrets on camera without their consent” and fail to consider their “right to privacy.” No, I am not making this up.

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As of today, U.S. airlines can no longer keep you on the tarmac in a plane for more than three hours. They can, however, cancel the flight after 2 hours and 59 minutes and leave you stuck in the airport overnight.

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How bad is the oil spill getting off the Gulf Coast? Rumor has it Sarah Palin just washed “Drill Baby Drill” off her hand.

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Rielle Hunter said on the Oprah show that people “view her negatively” because they think she wrecked John and Elizabeth Edwards’ marriage. Not exactly, many people view her negatively because she just seems like a publicity-seeking skank.

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Better late than never?

April 29, 2010

On Wednesday, the U.S. picked up a belated bronze medal at the 2000 Olympic games, when the IOC stripped China of a bronze medal in the women’s team gymnastic event. Apparently after an investigation they found one of the Chinese girls was underage. “I’m shocked” said absolutely nobody.

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A Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta was diverted to Bangor when a passenger claimed he had a bomb on board. Turns out it was all a misunderstanding, he was just talking about his new DVD copy of “All About Steve.”
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With the new Dallas Football Classic and the Pinstripe Bowl, 70 of 120 D1 NCAA football teams will be able to play in bowl games. What a relief for all those 5-7 teams who just missed postseason competition.

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Shocking evening in the NHL tonight. A top-seeded team went home after the first round. And it wasn’t the San Jose Sharks.

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The Braves have lost eight in a row, the Hawks are on the brink of elimination. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, General Sherman was involved.

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Another wrinkle in the immigration debate. Many people in Washington D.C. are now wondering if Canadiens can be added to the deportation list. Retroactively.

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So Charlie Crist, who has been a pretty decent and popular Republican governor of Florida, has now announced he will run for the U.S. Senate as an independent because he is trailing so badly in the Republican primary. Crist’s “crime” – he hasn’t been anti-Obama enough

Just think, these days Will Rogers could have been a Republican.

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An anonymous line passed on by Ray Di Fazio. Earl Woods’ last words to his son Tiger “Focus on golf. F**k everything else.”

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The NFL Players Association has stated that interviews with potential players need to be professional and not “cross a line.” What’s the line? Not sure, but I’m pretty sure that asking “Was your mother a prostitute” is beyond it.

(tacky time)

Actually, the nonprofessional but completely apropos response that Dez Bryant could have made was “Why, do you think your father might have been her client?” (Or since we are going that low – Why, does your mother think she recognizes her as an ex-coworker?”)

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And baseball rant.

Three things that San Francisco Giants fans want: 1. Buster Posey. 2. A real leftfielder. 3. Bruce Bochy to keep his &#*$!@%# hands OFF starting pitchers in the 9th inning.

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Beyond My Pet Goat…

April 28, 2010

Former President George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” will be out in November. Originally it was intended to be a much longer book due out in 2011. Until Sarah Palin gave him the advice – Ah, just quit and say you’re done.”

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“Decision Points,”George W. Bush’s new book, will be in the stores November 9. The former President is very excited. Laura has promised to read it to him.

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Once again, an exploration team claims to have discovered the remains of Noah’s Ark. The team hope to authenticate their find by a written account they found amongst the wooden beams, detailing a pre-trip interview Noah had on “Larry King Live.”

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Prince Andrew’s and Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson’s daughter Princess Beatrice became the first royal to complete the London Marathon this past weekend. Although Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, still holds the record as the only royal to compete in the Grand National. (Yeah, I know, too easy and too mean, but someone’s got to do it.)

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Brazil’s Health Minister has started a national campaign against high blood pressure by telling Brazilians they need more cardiovascular workouts – workouts that include sex. In related news, Tiger Woods has flown down to Rio to negotiate for an endorsement deal.

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So what will constitute reason to suspect someone is an illegal immigrant in Arizona? Not sure, but if your last name contains a lot of those high-value Scrabble consonants, maybe you should start paying cash instead of putting down a credit card.

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In Santa Clara County, California, supervisors have voted to ban Happy Meals and any other toy giveaway with fast-food meals. Great, now instead of rewarding their children with a toy as part of their meal, parents can instead buy them dessert.

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I can see it now, instead of the old days when kids would drive across state or county lines to buy liquor that might have been banned in their home town, parents will drive to the nearest county to get their kids the toy of the week.

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And NON-commie pinko sidebar:

In Moraga, California, a St. Mary’s College singing instructor has been disciplined for having a student sing “Old Man River” in class, which contains the phrase “colored folk.” Well, guess they’ll be tossing Huckleberry Finn and Shakespeare out of the library next.

(don’t get me wrong. I hate racism and I am mostly pro-affirmative action. But the song, written by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein-hardly WASPS themselves- was a period piece from the play “Showboat,” and made a star out of Paul Robeson, who actually sung the lyric with the term “darkies.”)

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This item inspired by a joke by Alex Kaseberg, who pointed out on his blog that the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus has merged with the San Diego Men’s Chorus. (And said there hasn’t been a merger this seamless since Siegfried joined up with Roy.)

The most common reaction in San Diego? They were separate entities?

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Speaking of which, if any readers watch American Idol (okay, guys, you can skip this last one), tonight was Shaina Twain. Anyone but me a little sorry it wasn’t last year? Would have enjoyed hearing Adam Lambert try his hand at “Feel Like a Woman.”

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New Arizona slogans?

April 27, 2010

As law enforcement officers and residents alike adjust to the new Arizona immigration law, it might be time to think of some new subtitles for the state slogans:

As in

“Arizona – you’ll never get a decent taco in this state again.”

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Arizona -a state since 1912, a state of confusion since 2010.

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Arizona -we don’t need no stinking badges, but we do need your stinking papers.

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Here’s an interesting question. Which is a smaller number – the number of NBA fans outside Los Angeles who will be rooting for the Lakers tomorrow against the Oklahoma City Thunder? Or the number of Latino fans who will now be rooting for the Phoenix Suns against the Portland Trail Blazers?

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The NBA’s Western Conference’s number two seed, the Dallas Mavericks, are one game away from being eliminated by the San Antonio Spurs. And the worst thing for Dallas fans -there’s no way to blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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Roy Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball, having allowed 3 earned runs in 4 starts. The San Francisco Giants are one of the worst hitting teams in baseball. So what happens tonight when Halladay starts? The Giants score 3 runs in the first 2 innings, and 5 runs off him in six innings. Is baseball a great game or what?

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“The decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family.”

The above was the statement from Ben Roethlisberger today about his suspension. Do we think he wrote the words or lifted them from “Hamlet” or “Tale of Two Cities”?

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The British Government is falling all over themselves to apologize for to Pope Benedict XVI for what was obviously a tongue-in-cheek leaked Foreign Office memo suggesting that he could launch Benedict-brand condoms or bless a gay marriage when he visits the United Kingdom later this year.

In a statement, the Foreign Office said that “the individual responsible” was told “this was a serious error of judgement and has accepted this view.”

No word on the papal response. Although his Excellency does seem to have a strong track record of forgiving “serious errors in judgement.”

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Eight young girls sustained moderate injuries when a crowd of thousands swarmed the gates in Sydney, Australia for a Justin Bieber concert. “That’s awful”, said Americans who heard the story. “And who the heck is Justin Bieber?” added anyone who doesn’t have a pre-teen daughter.

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(Inspired by a joke from Jason Love) These minivans with television for riders in the back seat can be a real problem for anyone driving behind them. In fact, many drivers report they get distracted and forget who they are texting.

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Decisions, decisions…

April 26, 2010

George W. Bush’s memoir “Decision Points” will be out November 9. The former President says it will be not so much an autobiography as a recounting of the difficult decisions he has had to make in his life. Chapter one presumably is titled -“Paper or Plastic?”

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Bush’s memoir actually will make him a member of a select but ever-increasing club. Those who write a book before they ever read one.
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The San Francisco Giants are now five for 55 for their last chances with men in scoring position. And four of those five didn’t get out of the infield. Jeez. Some of these early round American Idol rejects have better chances of getting hits.

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How bad is the Giants’ situational hitting? Let’s put it this way, to save embarassment their wives and families have been told to make sure birthday parties don’t include pinatas.

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While the Big Ten is considering expansion to as many as 14 teams, Penn State coach Joe Paterno says he thinks the Pac 10 will expand first. And the Pac 10 could actually draw on a pool including UFL and CFL (Canadian Football League teams.) After all, with USC they’re used to working with paid players.

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Oft-injured second baseman Freddy Sanchez, now with the San Francisco Giants, apparently thinks he could be ready to play for the team as early as mid-May. No word on which year.

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British Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has warned that while he believes extra-terrestrials are out there, “contact with aliens could be risky.” True enough, in the U.S. we almost elected one vice president.

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Stephen Hawking said is that there is almost certainly intelligent life outside this planet. But we probably shouldn’t worry; if they can pick up broadcasts of “Dancing with the Stars,” “The Marriage Ref” and “Kate Plus 8” they will almost certainly bypass Earth on the grounds of there being no intelligent life on THIS planet.

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The Vancouver Canucks and Phoenix Coyotes could end up meeting in the NHL playoffs this year. Does this mean that the Arizona cops will be hanging around the arena questioning every fan entering with a Canucks jersey?

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Lost?

April 25, 2010

In a good news story, two lost women hikers were rescued from a northern California park when rescuers were able to track a signal from one of their cellphones.

Of course, no word on how many hikers get lost in the first place because they are paying more attention to their cellphones than the trail.

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Speaking of lost, Barry Zito has long been given up for dead by San Francisco sports fans after he signed that huge 7 year $126 million contract. But Barry pitched another gem tonight, outdueling St. Louis star Adam Wainwright 2-0 for his third win of the season.

Hmm, maybe that means there’s hope for JaMarcus Russell? No, never mind…

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The Oakland Raiders surprised the sporting world with competent and safe draft picks. Not sure who was making the final decisions, but wonder if some member of the organization told Al Davis the draft was next week?

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A 24 year old New York man was arrested for trying to sell his children on Craigslist. Which is appalling, what kind of terrible parent would try to sell their young children? Their teenagers, maybe.

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Okay, a show of hands from sports fans who expected the headlines after tonight’s Los Angeles-Oklahoma City game four would be something along the lines of “the Thunder Rolls…”

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Sarah Palin told a crowd at a fundraiser in Eugene that she is more like them than they think. Because, as an example, she says she eats granola. In fact, she can even see the granola trees from her house.
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New homage to Carnac: Answer: Joe vs. the Volcano. Question: Who does President Obama think would be the two finalists in a contest to see who can spew hot air the longest?

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commie pinko finale-
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The tornado in Mississippi was awful. But so many right-wing preachers have been quick to claim natural disasters are God’s punishment for sinning. Wonder why not even one has suggested God might not be happy with Mississippi’s governor saying that omitting slavery in a proclamation about the Confederacy “doesn’t matter for diddly.”

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Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.

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There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

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Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

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Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

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A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.

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Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

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So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

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Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

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Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

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The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

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High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

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Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?

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Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

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How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.

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A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

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Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

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60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

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The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

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from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

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In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

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If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”

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And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…
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We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.

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Not gay enough?

April 22, 2010

A San Francisco Gay Softball team was stripped of its second place finish in a tournament after three of their members were determined to be “non-gay.” (The maximum per team is two.)

How did the tournament organizers come to this decision? The men were wearing last year’s cleats.

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Regarding those men “outed” as not gay enough. Apparently other teams became suspicious when the players didn’t rush back to their hotels to see “Dancing with the Stars.”

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The Big Ten, trying to become dominant in the BCS, is considering expanding by adding an unspecified number of teams. No word as to which midwestern teams the conference is considering, but presumably a logical fit would be the Detroit Lions.

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The San Francisco Giants have scored six runs in their last four games. Meanwhile, hitting .346 at Fresno – Buster Posey. No comment.

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Sharon Osbourne says she will have her breast implants removed, and give them to her husband Ozzy to use as paper weights. If Pamela Anderson ever decides to remarry she can have the same operation, and give her implants to her fiance to use as boat anchors.

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7-11 has now come out with their own brand of beer, called “Game Day.” What, was “Cat Pee” already trademarked?

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Yet another thought on Ben Roethlisberger. While I have some sympathy for his 20 year old accuser, maybe in future if she wants to hang around with drunken 20 year frat boys, she should stick to CHRONOLOGICAL drunken 20 year old frat boys.

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Part of Roethlisberger’s punishment is to undergo a “comprehensive behavioral evaluation by professionals.” Apparently Goddell turned down Ben’s offer to do community service with college youth groups.
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A British bus driver was suspended after being a passenger photographed him actually reading a paperback book while driving.
Teenagers aboard the bus were reputedly especially shocked – he was reading when he could have been texting?

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Is the fog lifting…?

April 21, 2010

In the Sharks- Avalanche NHL playoff game tonight, Dan Boyle scored the first goal. Into the correct net. Wonder if he’s the first NHL player ever to score back-to-back playoff goals for two different teams?

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Heard about the new Icelandic volcano cocktail? Just one and you may not be able to make it home.

(And as Alex Kaseberg adds – it will knock you on your ash.)

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The San Francisco Giants lost a game Tuesday 1-0 when their starting pitcher Jonathan Sanchez threw a one-hitter. They have scored three runs in three games. This is the kind of performance that makes fans want to fire the hitting coach. Assuming the team HAS a hitting coach.

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The Chicago Cubs have lost four in a row, and to the lowly Astros and Mets no less. Well, it’s only April, but looks like the team is already in mid-summer form.

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Donovan McNabb is apparently urging his new team, the Washington Redskins, to sign his old teammate Terrell Owens. Looks like another chapter in the future book “Smart Quarterbacks, Foolish Choices.”

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As part of a promotion for the Robogames, the San Francisco 49ers put their kicker, Joe Nedney, up against Ziggy the Robot in a kicking competition. Nedney won. Undaunted, Ziggy has asked for a throwing competition against JaMarcus Russell.

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“420” has become a code word for marijuana consumption and as such has sparked pot smoking parties on April 20 across the country. Curiously enough, 420 is also the number of calories in two original Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

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The Icelandic volcanic air chaos seems to be abating for now. But worries about future eruptions may have a long-term effect on government travel as the U.S doesn’t want high-level officials stranded. Hillary Clinton, for example, may be spending a lot more time at home. And Bill Clinton just asked that Iceland be added to the “axis of evil.”

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Kate Gosselin was kicked off “Dancing with the Stars” tonight. Which means she will just have to go back home to her regular daily life of ignoring her children.

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Unlifting clouds..

April 20, 2010

By the way, to any readers who have noticed, I usually try to post on a daily basis. Must not have hit “publish” last night, so this will be two posts back-to-back. Put it down to volcanic ash.

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Actually, this Icelandic volcano with the unpronounceable name may end up responsible for more travel disruptions and delays than anything else in air travel history. In fact, some are already nicknaming it the “JetBlue” volcano.

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Apparently George Washington has racked up over a $300,000 fine for some books he borrowed from a New York library in 1789 and has never returned. Well, as far as Presidential misbehavior, that’s one crime that will never be laid at the feet of George W. Bush.

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A day later, the Sharks’ own goal looks, if anything, worse. Of course, if San Jose comes back and wins, it will be largely forgotten. If they lose, well, even Bill Buckner says “At least I didn’t hit a home run against my own team.”

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Speaking of the Red Sox, die-hard fans who remember more of the suffering years than the two World Series wins, the only silver lining to the team’s horrible start? At least they may not have to worry about a late-season collapse.

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An AP-CNBC poll reported showed that most Americans don’t support the legalization of marijuana. Well, maybe not exactly. Only 33 percent said they were in favor of it. But of the rest of them some significant number apparently replied “Dude, I don’t know, what was the question again?”

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The International Cannabis and Hemp Expo, in Daly City just south of San Francisco, was the 1st U.S. trade show in the U.S. to allow on-site pot smoking.. The Expo was able to offer temporary medicinal marijuana permits and had over 15,000 attendees. Nearby stores say they hope within a few days to be able to restock a normal supply of Doritos.

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Bad timing award – to Greek air traffic controllers who wanted to call attention to their battle with the government over proposed cutback, and planned a strike for April 22 and 23. They hoped to shut down the Greek airports and cause major travel disruptions.

Like at this point anyone will notice…

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The Toronto Blue Jays beat the Kansas City Royals Monday night before the smallest crowd in Blue Jays’ history. How bad was it, at some points confused fans started chanting “Go Expos.”

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Volcanoes, Sharks, and other disasters.

April 20, 2010

Note to all San Jose Sharks fans. When you yell and scream for your team to score a goal, it’s important to be specific!!

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The San Jose Sharks have now scored three dramatic game-winning goals in the first three games against the Colorado Avalanche. Unfortunately, two of them were past their own goalie.

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The NFL draft starts this Thursday. But to maximum television revenue, rounds two and three won’t take place until Friday, and rounds four through seven will be delayed until Saturday. And they say major league baseball games take too long.

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Anthony McCoy, a potential second or third round draft pick out of USC, was academically ineligible to play for the Trojans in this year’s Emerald Bowl. Now he just tested positive for marijuana.

Now the question who will get to him first in the draft, the Oakland Raiders or the New York Jets?

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Regardng that volcano and the cancelled flights – wonder if they’re talking at Carnival Cruise Lines about rebranding their ships as the “Fun way across the Atlantic?”

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So apparently loans from a lot of big foreign banks like Citi and Deutsche Banke were partly to blame for Iceland’s financial collapse in 2008. If so, this volcano could be considered some serious karmic revenge.

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Thought for day. Even the worst airline across the Atlantic beats NO airlines across the Atlantic.

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Back in the U.S, five major domestic airlines agreed not to charge for carry-ons. No word on if the agreement – A- is valid beyond the end of April, 2010, or B – doesn’t preclude “carry-ons” soon being classified as “nothing bigger than a breadbasket.

And why, when I hear that promise not to charge, am I reminded of the scene in “Airplane” where the deranged air traffic controller temporarily pulls the plug on the airline runway lights, then puts it back in and laughs “just kidding.”

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“This could go on all day and night, it could you know and it just might..”

April 18, 2010

The Mets and Cardinals played a 20 inning game on Saturday afternoon, and evening. How long was the game? When it started, Joe Biden was just beginning a speech. And when it ended, he was almost done.

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The 20 inning game ended up with the New York beating St. Louis 2-1. Or as Mets fans call that “an offensive explosion.”

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The Orioles are 1-11 this year. Which means the unthinkable has happened. The Nationals, 6-5, actually have Washington, D.C. area bragging rights.

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How frustrated are fans getting in Baltimore? Apparently there is a petition going around to Indianapolis – “Since you took the Colts, can you take the Orioles, please?”

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As the volcanic ash cloud continues to ground flights in Europe, many in the industry wonder which will come first – the resumption of flights, or the decision by some carriers to start charging passengers a surcharge to cover the costs of this and future eruptions?

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Jerry Brown, currently running for governor of California (again), challenged his billionaire Republican challengers Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner to a pre-primary debate on the issues. Poizner accepted. Whitman declined and said she would simply buy an hour on a competing network to run a $1 million informercial.

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You do get the feeling, however, that California voters might be more engaged if these three candidates all teamed up with celebrity partners, aired a dance contest, and let people call in for their favorites.

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Not to say Jerry Brown is old, but many younger voters are wondering if he is related to the guy who used to be governor in the 1970s.

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This is a repeat joke, but giglish.com picked it up for a repeat, and in honor of the beginning of the playoffs…

The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced.

Sort of like travelling in the NBA.

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And finally a riddle from Bill Littlejohn:

What did Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, and the Houston Astros have in common coming into Thursday night? They were all 0-8. –

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Crimes and misdemeanors…

April 17, 2010

A suburban Sacramento couple pleaded not guilty to child endangerment charges for allegedly leaving their baby in a car while they gambled at a casino. Bail was set at $50,000. The judge apparently turned down the couples’ request to make it “double or nothing.”

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President Obama got mixed reviews for his plans to revamp NASA. At least he didn’t promise to fix a real hopeless mess in Houston, like the Astros.

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Not so much a joke as a fact: When it comes to disrupting air travel, terrorists have nothing on Mother Nature.

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At this point, the volcanic ash cloud may have actually delayed and disrupted more people’s travel plans than JetBlue.

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And in related news, for the next several months Ryanair plans to charge passengers an “ash cleaning fee.”
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True volcano humor to make you laugh or cry. A client is booked tomorrow from Dallas via London to Entebbe, Uganda and of course we don’t know if the planes will fly. But she emailed saying she had heard that the small airport in Glasgow, Scotland was open so would I just change her to fly Dallas-Glasgow-Entebbe?

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The Ben Roethlisberger story just gets sleazier and sleazier. He could turn out to be a bigger embarrassment to the NFL than the Detroit Lions.

Although, okay, if I had to make a discussion on the facts as currently known, I would say Ben Roethlisberger is a scumbag at best. And a 28 year old man with his pick of women doesn’t need to be getting college students drunk. But while this BY NO MEANS excuses him, as a woman I have to think, you’re 20 years old…maybe it isn’t the smartest idea to be downing shots with some celebrity in a bar? Especially one with thug bodyguards.

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And yet, I have no doubt that still in Pittsburgh this fall, there will be women and girls who wear “Big Ben’s” jersey to games…

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Opening reception at the State Democratic Convention in Los Angeles. No speakers but a slideshow honoring Democrats running for state office this fall. Including Barabara Boxer. (No, that’s not a typo, that’s how it was spelled. Over and over.) Yes, I am not a member of any organized party, I’m a Democrat. Sigh.

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Carly Fiorina has been facing questions about a bribery scheme while she was CEO of Hewlett-Packard. In 2003, HP employees in Germany allegedly bribed Russians to win a $47 million contract.

A company spokesman, David Shane, was quoted in the Mercury News saying “To suggest that Carly Fiorina, or any other senior executive in Palo Alto then or now, was knowledgeable of these alleged activities is wrong and not supported by the facts.”

So since these bribes were allegedly significant, what did senior executives in Palo Alto (who presumably looked at expenses) think the money was being spent on? Booze and strip clubs?

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