Archive for March 2012

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

Grounded.

March 10, 2012

Last month a toddler got her entire family kicked off a JetBlue flight because she was throwing a tantrum and wouldn’t fasten her seat belt. The child’s mother said ” I would probably try to avoid JetBlue in the future.” Hearing the story, about a million other people said “How can I start flying JetBlue in future?

–

Television cameras followed Peyton Manning’s visit to Denver, tracking both the private plane the team sent and the SUV that took him to meet with John Elway at headquarters. If Manning signs this may become the second most famous chase involving a white Bronco.

–

Linebacker D.J. Williams, one of three Denver Broncos suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, is claiming his sample was mishandled and compromised. So after Ryan Braun got off on the same technicality, the winning pick for those in the “next to try that excuse” pool is 12 days.

–

–

Mitt Romney today in Alabama, I’m ‘kinda’ a politician. As in I’ll be whatever kind a you want me to be.

–

Friend sent me this one, I didn’t write it but…

“A liberal, a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar and the Bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. Romney?”

–

According to the L.A. Times, Mary Brown, the lead plaintiff in the legal case against the Affordable Care Act filed for bankruptcy due to her uninsured husband’s medical debts. And she is still against Obama Care. Sure, why force Americans to buy insurance when they can just walk away from their debt with bankruptcy?

–

The U.S. economy added 227,000 jobs in February. Wow. Considering that this weekend is March Madness selection Sunday, that’s probably over 100,000 new employees neglecting their work next week.

–

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet” dept: Facebook suggested 2 women might want to be friends, as they were “mutual friends” with a Tacoma, WA man. Turns out they were both married to him. (The man has been charged with bigamy with possible 1 year jail sentence. Which might be more pleasant now than being at either home.)

–

“Big Bang Theory” star Kunal Nayyar married a former Miss India in Delhi in a wedding celebration that lasted over six days. Let’s hope the Kardashians don’t find out about this, Kim’s next wedding could last longer than her next marriage.

–

Campaigning in Mississippi, Mitt Romney told a crowd that “I am learning to say y’all, and I like grits and things.” What’s next, saying that on his next family vacation he will put a Confederate flag on the dog carrier on the roof of his car?

–

–

In Alabama, Mitt Romney is cheerfully rtalking about his new fondness for grits. (This morning he said he had “cheesy grits” for breakfast.) Shame he’s not traveling to Hawaii for their primary Tuesday. I’d love to hear Mitt say he loves poi with a straight face.

–
Illinois fired Bruce Weber Friday, after the Illini posted a 17-15 record this season. And Washington Wizards fans said “What, the school has something against overachievers?”

–

The Washington Redskins have apparently agreed to trade three first-round draft picks and a second round pick to the St. Louis Rams in exchange for the second pick in this year’s draft. In related news, Robert Griffin III has just asked Baylor if it’s too late to return for his final year of eligibility.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Hard knocks?

March 9, 2012

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers just enthusiastically endorsed Rick Santorum for President. The NFL is reviewing tapes to see if the Saints or any other team gave him a particularly hard hit to the head.

–

Mitt Romney said in an Alabama radio interview that the state’s upcoming primary is “a bit of an away game.” Right, but to put it in real Alabama football terms, considering the amount of money Mitt has spent (more than his opponents combined), it’s like an away game for the Crimson Tide against U Mass.

–

Cindy McCain ripped the movie “Game Change” because, amongst other things, “my husband is way cuter than Ed Harris.” And we thought John was the McCain who was getting old and amongst other things, losing his eyesight.

–

As pundits discuss the possible teams interested in Peyton Manning, have to wonder, had a certain four-game losing streak continued, would one of those teams had been his brother’s NY Giants?

–

The feds are investigating the Auburn’s mens’ basketball team for alleged point shaving. Shocking. An investigation into the SEC and football is not involved?

–

Peyton Manning said he will make a decision about 2012 within a week. “You can do that?” responded Brett Favre.

–

Some are wondering why Sarah Palin is backing Newt Gingrich. One possible reason? He makes her look stable.

(Augie says, maybe she’s vying to be his fourth wife?)

–

Taco Bell has just announced their nationwide rollout of the “Doritos Locos Taco” – a taco inside a shell that is basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito. But hey, for the health conscious, the “Supreme” version comes with reduced-fat sour cream.

–

Meanwhile, Coca Cola is adjusting its caramel color. Because “4-MEI”,, part of the current formula is on a California list of additives that will soon require a cancer warning label. So this is good news for all the health-food fans who guzzle Coke.

–
–

Jonathan Papelbon told a Philadelphia radio station that Phillies fans “tend to know the game a little better” than fans in Boston. Well, all those folks who printed up the “Johnny Damon is Judas” t-shirts will be getting out the silk screens again.

–

The Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard is indicating that if he gets traded, he wants to be “the guy” on whatever team he ends up on. Uh, only one problem Dwight, as Lebron might tell you, when a team has just one “guy” they usually end up watching most of the playoffs at home.

–

Michelle Bachmann claims the outrage over Rush Limbaugh’s comments is hypocritical and just because he is a conservative. Well, liberals may be overly gleeful about the controversy, but imagine the reaction if Jon Stewart referred to a promiment GOP woman or her daughter as a “slut.”

–

Before he died, Andrew Breitbart claimed he had an incendiary video that could take down President Obama. The 1991 video show Obama speaking at a peaceful Harvard rally about tenuring black professors. College students protest? Gosh. And where was the outrage about Romney at Stanford protesting in favor of the Vietnam War?

–

On the other hand, solar flares are hitting the Earth today, with possible disruptions to communications systems and power grids. It’s all Obama’s fault.

–

These days, Mitt Romney is almost hoping someone has a scandalous video of him. Might help his image. Something racy like having a beer, or dancing, or kissing a girl in college..

And okay readers, let’s make this an interactive post. What would be a scandalous video for Mittens? Other friends’ suggestions have been, going out without hair gel, shopping at Walmart, or having a double latte at Starbucks (Mormons are not supposed to drink caffeine.)

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Snookered?

March 8, 2012

Snooki says in an US Magazine interview that she found out she was pregnant about a week after New Year’s Eve, and that her first thought was, “‘[Bleep], I’ve been drinking!'” Open note to the GOP, there are scarier things than birth control.

–

Peyton Manning said today “I’ll always be a Colt.” Surprised he couldn’t hear the snickers coming all the way from Baltimore.

–

If some of the New Orleans Saints had rebelled against the pay for defense system would it have been considered Mutiny on the Bounties?

–

Peyton Manning with Colts owner Jim Irsay at his press conference about leaving: “It wasn’t his decision. It wasn’t my decision. Circumstances kind of dictated it,” Sounds like if he retires from football Manning has a great future as a press secretary for some politician explaining their next divorce.

–

Facebook had a major outage in Europe today. Oh the horror, millions of Europeans were forced actually to sit at their computers and work.

–

Not a good time to be a white supremacist in the U.S. We’ve got a black president, an Asian-American basketball star, and a Filipino-Mexican-American (Jessica Sanchez) has got to be the front-runner on American Idol.

–

In January, Mitt Romney said the minimum wage should be indexed to rise automatically with inflation. Today he said while “inflation is something you should look at, you should “keep America competitive… so right now there’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage.” Stay tuned after November, when both Mitt and John Kerry jointly invest in Waffle House.

–

Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Washington Wizards after leading by 20 points in 3rd quarter. And here Kobe says he has no rival. I don’t know, tonight he did a pretty good LeBron James impersonation.

–

NFL league image may be suffering from “Bountygate.” On other hand, odds of Peyton Manning suffering a career ending injury in 2012 from a hard hit have probably just gone down considerably.

–

In Oxnard, California, teachers and parents are being asked to discourage middle school children from “searching for and/or visiting “inappropriate sites”, after stories surfaced that a teacher who might have been moonlighting as a porn star. In related news, requests for fathers for parent-teacher conferences are way up.

–

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Harvard makes NCAA Tournament. Needs work on trash talk: “Your Matriarch is so corpulent I am concerned about her risk of heart disease.”
–

The NFL Players Association is now looking into the Bounty controversy. Wonder if it will just be outrage over the idea, or also the idea that players weren’t paid enough.

–
A story in the NY Daily News said that baseball owners will vote against the Oakland A’s attempted move to Santa Clara. MLB denies the story and says no decision has been reached. Well, of course, the blue ribbon committee has only been meeting for 3 years on the subject. As opposed to Selig’s expanded playoff idea, decided and scheduled instantly….

–

Facing a distinct lack of enthusiasm, Mitt Romney’s campaign is falling back on the argument that Mitt holds a commanding lead in the state-by-state delegate math. And Rick Santorum’s response? “Math? More proof that Romney is a liberal who can’t be trusted.”

–

ProFlowers is one of the advertisers that dropped Rush Limbaugh. Makes sense. Could be a little awkward for guys sending “thanks for a nice evening” flowers to a woman, when in Rush’s words she’s just acted like a “slut.”

–

Not that I am always a fan of government, but for those who say the private sector always does it better, I give you, United Airlines. Four days after the merger with Continental their most preferred client phone lines still have 2-3 hour delays. Not that air travel is ever time sensitive….

–

Pat Robertson’s latest: “Now Catholics say that fornication, if you will, sex outside of marriage, is a sin. This woman is saying ‘I’m going to be committing sin but I want you to pay for my sin.” Yeah, I guess I can see the church’s point about spending money. Especially since they are still paying off cases involving their priests.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Endings and not quite endings.

March 7, 2012

So the soap opera comes to an end: Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis will no longer be Peyton Place.

–

From T.C. “The rumor is Peyton and his family have hired moving trucks, and are headed for Baltimore in the middle of the night.”

–

“The Bachelor” host Chris Harrison now says he’s trying to get Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow to be next season’s bachelor. (Which is probably a longer shot than Denver winning the Super Bowl.) Wonder if the show offered to turn the “Fantasy Suites” into prayer rooms?

–

As the Saints case continues to make headlines, one question. How many coaches tell their teams, “Ok men, let’s go out and kick some a** today, but please try not to hurt anybody.”

–

Topshop, a popular British clothing store, has cropped the bottom word off a new line of t-shirts now that originally said “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Shakespere” (sic). Well, that’s what you get for marketing to people who actually read.

–

Former Mets star Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to three years for a scheme to steal cars. Poor dumb chump, if he was into larceny and wanted to stay out of jail, Lenny should have stolen necklaces.

–
Could have been worse for Dykstra. The judge could have sentenced him to return to the Mets.

–

Sarah Palin finally admitted her choice out of the current GOP presidential candidates, saying she voted Tuesday for Newt Gingrich. Just another episode of of the reality show: “Sarah Palin, the road to irrelevance.”

–

Mitt Romney appears to have won Ohio. But out of a million votes, maybe by less people than remain in the stands during the fourth quarter of a Bengals game.

–

Looks like Mitt Romney won Ohio by winning the areas around Cleveland, Toledo, Cincinnati and Columbus – which house the major universities around the state. Another reason for Rick Santorum to be against college education….it leads to people who don’t vote for him.

–

Mitt Romney tonight promised “real change.” Starting tomorrow with today’s positions.

–

Newt Gingrich won Georgia. Pundits wonder “Will it be enough to keep his campaign alive?” “We sure hope so,” responded staffers at Obama headquarters. (Not to mention writers for the Daily Show and Colbert Report.)

–

Maybe folks trying to protect women’s reproductive rights are going about it the wrong way with conservatives. Maybe there should be a campaign that says “Stop unwanted child support and paternity lawsuits, mandate birth control

–

When asked if she would accept the GOP nomination to run for president in a brokered convention, Sarah Palin responded “I don’t close any doors that perhaps would be open out there, so, no, I wouldn’t close that door.” A statement seconded by most Democrats.

–

Molson Coors Brewing Company just unveiled a new, iced-tea-flavored version of Coors Light. Guess they’re hoping to entice some folks to put down their Arnold Palmers and pick up the John Dalys.

–

–

The Redskins are amongst the teams who might be interested in Peyton Manning. Which with owner Dan Snyder at the helm means it’s likely that Peyton will become yet another good man who fails to make a difference in Washington.

–

While everyone’s abuzz about “Bounty-gate” has everyone forgotten about Super Bowl XLVII? It’s scheduled for Feb 3, 2013…in New Orleans. Gentlemen, and ladies, start your punchlines.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

You’re a rich girl…..

March 6, 2012

Ann Romney said in a Fox News interview “I don’t even consider myself wealthy.” What’s her definition of wealthy? When you can no longer remember how many houses you have?

–

AOL has now become the 8th advertiser to drop Rush Limbaugh. They would have done it sooner, but their executives who download AOL to keep up on the news just found out about the scandal.

–

Some want Rush Limbaugh’s talk show off the the air. Not sure. At this point he’s doing a great job fundraising for the Democratic party

–

A new channel, “Dog TV” is expanding in the U.S. For $4.99 a month (and who knows how much electricity) dog owners are supposed to leave the TV on while they are out, so that their pets don’t suffer from anxiety issues, boredom and depression. And we wonder why other countries hate us.

–

Pat Robertson’s theory on why all those devastating tornadoes hit the Midwest last week – not enough prayer: “”If enough people were praying [God] would’ve intervened. Wonder how many people it would take praying to have God get rid of Pat Robertson?

–

You can’t make this “stuff” up – United-Continental merger division: “If you have forgotten your PIN, you will need to change it to proceed. Please complete the following information to change your MileagePlus PIN.” And you start by entering the CURRENT PIN. (Yes, the one you’ve forgotten.)

–

Last week, former Cal QB Joe Ayoob broke a Guinness World Record by throwing a paper airplane 226 feet, 10 inches. Brett Favre tried to top him, but the airplane was intercepted and run back for a touchdown.

–

A new Lifetime reality show titled “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” will “offer an insight into the life of the 21-year-old mother as she raises her 3-yr old son,”, and “also focus on her relationship with her parents, Sarah and Todd Palin, and her siblings.” In related news, Sarah Palin blasted the media for not leaving her family alone.

–

Syracuse University said they allowed 10 players who violated their drug policy to continue playing basketball. Gosh. What’s next? Admitting the players didn’t always live up to academic standards either?

–

No telling for sure now how many of the failed tests involved marijuana, though rumors are that it was most of them. Guess maybe the Orangemen’s defense was that they wanted to get their players NBA ready.

–

Ndamukong Suh. commenting on the bounty situation: “Me personally, I don’t take part in those things and knowing my teammates and knowing my coaches, we wouldn’t allow that.” Possible translation? “I like to stomp people for free.”

–

No doubt the Saints will pay for being caught in a bounty scandal. But teams are trying to knock their opponents’ stars out of games? In related news from Casablanca, Captain Renault is still “shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.”

–

Another quote from from a wacky liberal on the GOP primary: “It’s been I think, the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life. I hate it. I hate the fact that people think ‘compromise’ is a dirty word.” The speaker, former first lady Barbara Bush.

–

It’s not going to happen but….you go girl! Stacey Newman, a Missouri House member who’s frustrated with all the recent debates over birth control and abortions, has proposed legislation to allow vasectomies only when necessary to protect a man from serious injury or death..

(my friend Candace Cambra adds that Virginia State Senator Janet Howell, introduced an amendment to a mandatory ultrasound bill that would require men to have a rectal exam before being prescribed Viagra.)

–

Former NFL wide receiver Randy Moss will tryout for New Orleans on Tuesday. Guess they figure having him in a Saints uniform can’t be any more embarrassing than “Bounty-gate.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Decision 2012?

March 5, 2012

Some chatter because when ABC showed Lebron James on Sunday entering the Staples Center, James was carrying a large leather “man-purse.” Well, at least Lebron didn’t have a one-hour special showing him shopping for it.

–

Deron Williams scored a New Jersey Nets franchise record 57 points tonight. But maybe there should be a asterisk. The game was against the Charlotte Bobcats.

–

More than a little hypocrisy in some NFL teams acting all upset about New Orleans bounty program because they would “never” do the same thing. And have to think that before his turnaround 2011 season, some 49ers fans might have paid the Saints to go after Alex Smith too.

–

Several GOP candidates have come out with very soft criticism of Rush Limbaugh’s “slut” comment. Prompting this reaction “It was depressing because what it indicates is that the Republican leaders are afraid of (him). They want to bomb Iran, but they’re afraid of Rush Limbaugh.” From that noted liberal icon George Will.

–

Ron Paul on Rush Limbaugh’s apology to Sandra Fluke for calling her a “slut.” He’s doing it because some people were taking their advertisements off of his program. It was his bottom line he was concerned about. “I don’t think he’s very apologetic. It’s in his best interest, that’s why he did it.” Now, I’m not voting for Paul, but if he decides to retire from Congress, and host an honest talk show, I’ll watch any time.

–

Kentucky has won the SEC and no doubt a #1 seed in the March Madness tournament. The two big questions – so can they get to the Final Four? And if so, will they be the third Calipari team to do so and have their wins vacated?

–

The SF Giants won a split-squad spring training game 11-1 against the Arizona Diamondbacks, after a 41 minute delay caused by a swarm of bees. 11-1? After last year’s offense? Let’s just hope that MLB doesn’t classify bees as PEDs.

–

Worst thing about watching Kobe and the Lakers take on Lebron James and the Heat – they can’t both lose.

–

A Philadelphia man who has been using a cell phone jammer to interrupt conversations on city buses has apparently put the device away after learning he could face fines and jail time. But I’ll bet they are lining up to offer him a job as a consultant for movie theaters.

–

Japanese equestrian Hiroshi Hoketsu just qualified for the London Olympics at age 70. Japanese officials, however, have not yet decided if he will compete. But how many people would tune in just to hear him yell “You punks get off my field.”

–

Okay, following the Lindsay Lohan/SNL complaint post yesterday, decided to be positiv and mention some all-time favorite SNL characters, skits and lines. For starters, loved Rosanne Rosannadana, Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin, Schweddy balls, and Point-Counterpoint – “Jane, you ignorant slut.”

Also “Toonces” the driving cat, “two wild and crazy guys,” Conehead family feud, church lady, Sully and Denise….. more suggestions encouraged in comments.

–

Two plus hour delays to reach the new United Airlines by phone Sunday. The airline message says “If you’re not flying in the next 72 hours, please call back later. If you are flying in the next 72 hours, you’re SOL.” (Or with luck have a book or game that’s not attached to your phone.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Crashing and burning.

March 4, 2012

The Costa Concordia wasn’t Captain Schettino’s first mishap. He also crashed a second cruise ship in 2010 resulting in minor damage while entering a German port. If Schettino can somehow avoid jail, wonder if he’ll be offered a job with the GoDaddy.com racing team.

–

Wonder how many folks will be turning into this week’s Nascar race, not in hopes of watching two cars crash into each other. But in hopes of watching another fuel truck flambee.

–

A 26 year old Florida teacher was arrested and charged with “unlawful sexual activity” with a minor after a 16 year old boy told police they were in love and had had sex in her car. Records showed that the pair had traded more than 12,000 text messages in 4 months. On the bright side, sounds like the kid definitely has learned how to read and write.

–

Guess Bobby Valentine wanted to make a statement. Boston beat D3 Northeastern University in baseball today 25-0. Following the game the Red Sox were made honorary SEC football boosters.

–

In the “cheer up it could be worse category”, example A this week has to be the New Orleans Saints. A couple days ago the biggest embarrassment the team was facing was not being able to work out a contract extension with Drew Brees.

(adds my friend Michael Duca, “Brees should look on the bright side – they could have put a bounty on him.”)

–

–

On the first day after the United-Continental merger was finalized, reportedly 16% of United flights were on time Saturday from O’Hare airport. Normally when people are this frustrated in Chicago, the Cubs are involved.

–

The New York Knicks are apparently so excited about the way that they are playing lately that they had a meeting with a doctor to talk about ways to combat insomnia. Presumably the doctor suggested things like warm milk, counting sheep, and watching tapes of the Charlotte Bobcats games.

–

Rush Limbaugh has now apologized for calling Sandra Fluke a “slut.” Saying “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.” Uh, if Rush doesn’t think “slut” is a personal attack, starting to understand why his marriages have lasted as long as Mitt Romney’s positions.

–

Am wondering where Sarah Palin was on this one. Since she was so upset about personal attacks on her daughter as an unwed mother… Or is it only off-limits for the media to go after Republican young women who have pre-marital sex?

–

Rush Limbaugh is referring to Claire McCaskell as a “commie babe liberal.” Hey, that wouldn’t make a bad t-shirt.
–

–

Nothing can go wrong… More in the United merger department: Client flying SF to JFK March 4 got “You have received this notification because the first flight in your upcoming UA itinerary is operated by TAM and/or its partners. To check in for this trip, please proceed to TAM’s website or their check-in area at the airport” (TAM only flies to and within Brazil.. and not to SF at all.)

–

Former San Jose coach Ron Wilson was just fired by the Toronto Maple Leafs after a 1-9-1 stretch. Or as Sharks fans call that, having the team in his playoff form.

–

“The Lorax” has pulled in over $17 million this weekend. Wonder how much of that was people piling into their SUVs and driving to see the movie in giant multiplexes?.

–

Spring training games start today. Guess that means we’re watching for the little furry thing who lives in Brian Wilson’s beard to pop out and see if he sees his shadow.

–

This may only make sense to San Francisco Bay Area readers…But it’s a good day in the San Francisco area when you turn on the radio, and, surprise, it’s Kruk and Kuip on the radio again calling a Giants game.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Crazy?

March 3, 2012

An article in an upcoming article in CFA magazine (a trade publication for investment professionals) says that one out of every 10 Wall Street employees is probably a clinical psychopath. Only one in 10?

–

Darwin runner-up of the week: A 9 year old boy is recovering after being attacked by a cheetah when he, his mother, and two friends decided to get out of their car at a Dutch Safari park. The park said in a statement that, “Sadly, they missed the warning signs telling them to keep doors and windows shut.”

(Follow-up thought and bad pun of the week – was the cat looking for Chee-toes? Or Chee-fingers?)

–

The Yankees have indicated they will cut payroll from $210 million to $187 million by 2014. This is like Mitt Romney saying his wife won’t always have the latest model Cadillacs.

–

$187 million? Isn’t that about a decade’s payroll for the Pittsburgh Pirates?”

–

Email from R.I.M./ Blackberry “Totally new. Completely exciting. All BlackBerry.” I’d settle for “We’ve figured out how to keep our system from crashing.”

–

Reactions around the NFL from other teams to the Saints’ bounty program. 1. We are outraged. 2. Quick, purge all our computer files.

–

Here we go. Now it comes out that the Washington Redskins also had a bounty system for their defense. Fortunately for Redskins opponents the team was as good at taking out opposing players as they were at everything else.

–

Regarding that 41 year old Modesto high school teacher who quit to shack up with an 18 year old student. Is he hoping to be Secretary of Education in a possible Gingrich administration? (The age gap is the same actually with Newt and Callista)

–

Sleep Train has dropped their advertising on Rush Limbaugh’s show after his “slut” comments about a college student who wanted to testify on birth control insurance. A bizarre sidelight is that Rush, on his fourth marriage, at least one that started with an affair while he was married, would dare call ANYONE a slut.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Men behaving badly.

March 2, 2012

Really? A 41-year old high school teacher from Modesto quit his job, left his wife and kids, and moved into an apartment with an 18 year old student. James Hooker said he knows the couple hurt a lot of people, but says they “decided to follow their hearts.” Maybe she did. Thinking he followed something a bit lower.

–

A 41 year old and an 18 year old though…. Even Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich are saying “Eeww…’ (Barely.)

–

Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio is being accused of inadequately investigating sex-crimes. And a grand jury is investigating his alleged abuses of power. So Arpaio’s response? Calling a news conference to say he has probable cause to believe Obama’s long-form birth certificate is a forgery.

–

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Jerome Simpson pled guilty to a drug-related felony charge and is expected to receive a 60 day jail sentence. 60 days? For a felony? What, did prosecutors figure being a Bengal is punishment enough?

–

President Obama thinks Mitt Romney’s father George would roll over in his grave at his son’s behavior towards the auto industry? Heck, the Romney who was Governor of Massachusetts would roll over in his grave if he listened to Mitt 3.0, or 4.0, or whatever he is now.

–

NBC plans to televise the America’s Cup from San Francisco in 2013. How bad does your lineup have to be before televising billionaires racing multimillion $ boats (in races no one understands) is considered an potential ratings improvement?

–

The Yankees have announced that by 2014 they plan to drastically trim their payroll from $210 millionn to $189 million. More ammunition for Mitt Romney’s claim that millionaires need tax cuts.

–

Regarding this story of Tiger Woods wanting to be a Navy Seal. I can see it now, they storm into Bin Laden’s complex, and Woods stops to hit on one of Osama’s younger wives….

–

A new Los Angeles County rule allows pet-owners to bring their dogs to outdoor dining areas. Well, dogs are almost certainly better behaved than many children. And some Hollywood actors.

–

According to the U.K. Telegraph, a new study published in the British Medical Journal “Open” found that anyone taking sleeping pills twice a month is four times more likely to die in the next two and a half years than someone taking none at all. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

–

–
A Montana federal judge, Richard Cebull, is claiming he forwarded a racist joke about Obama’s mother to friends and colleagues not because he is racist, but because he dislikes the President. Forget whether or not Cebull is a bigot, he’s just too stupid to be a judge.

–

Some conservatives are downplaying the Montana judge’s forwarding of an offensive racist joke about Obama’s mother. But can you imagine the outcry if some liberal judge had forwarded an offensive Mormon or homeschooling joke about say, Romney or Santorum’s wife or mother?

–

Conservative blogger, Andrew Breitbart, who first posted the sexting pictures of Anthony Weiner and helped bring down ACORN, died at 43. According to his attorney it was “natural causes”. Maybe watching the current crop of GOP presidential candidates killed him..
–

It’s March, time for my first baseball rant of the season: One of many problems with new wild card format. Say two teams both win 100 games – one is division champ, and one is wild card. Another team backs in with 85 wins. But they have a great pitcher (say, the Dodgers and Clayton Kershaw.) In a single game playoff, that team has a huge advantage.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

March Madness.

March 1, 2012

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, 24, is reportedly pregnant with her first child. This might even make Rick Santorum is rethink his position on birth control.

–

Mitt Romney’s latest ad calls Rick Santorum a liberal. Uh, maybe it’s time to ask Mittens if HE inhaled?

–

After all the millions Mitt Romney spent in Michigan, he ended up with the same number of delegates (15) as Rick Santorum. Poor Mitt. If this presidency thing doesn’t work out, with that kind of spending to results ratio, there may be a job waiting for him with the NY Yankees.

–

Derrick Rose may be the NBA MVP but he cost 21,000+ fans a free Big Mac by missing two late free throws in a 99-95 victory last night. (McD’s gives the burgers to ticket holders when Chicago scores 100 points or more in a home win.) Rose apologized – he should have just said he was looking out for fans’ health.

–

A Gainesville, GA paper reported that a student trying to send a text to say “Gunna be at West Hall this afternoon” had auto correct change the 1st word to “Gunman.” The recipient alerted authorities and both West Hall High and Middle school were temporarily locked down. Yet more proof that smart phones don’t necessarily make smart users.

–

Khloe Kardashian said on the Tonight Show that one of the first things Kris Humphries said to her was “So, how much you getting paid to fake your marriage?” Guess the answer for Kris himself was, “Not enough.

–

Apparently MLB will institute new playoff system with extra teams THIS season. What’s the rush? Guess they wanted to maximize chances of showing the Yankees and Red Sox in the post season.

–

Stanford women closed out their basketball home season with a 76-52 win over Seattle. The Cardinal shot 100% (13-13) from the free-throw line. See, boys? It’s possible.

–

Davy Jones of the Monkees just passed away at 66. Said Baby boomers “So young?” Said anyone under 30 “Who the heck was Davy Jones?”

–

A tornado caused serious damage to hotels and theaters in Branson, Missouri today. Along with injuries and deaths in the area. So where are all the folks who ascribe any weather disaster in places like San Francisco and New Orleans to God’s punishment of sinners?

–

Mitt Romney won Wyoming primary. 29 delegates. He got about 822 of 2,000 total votes. Not sure how much Romney spent, but Mitt could have afforded to buy them all a Cadillac.

–

Interesting quote from “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Wednesday night: “Citizens United – “The worst decision of the United States Supreme Court. They should be ashamed and embarrassed of what they did.” Direct quote from that noted liberal John McCain.

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Newer Entries »